Pre-Iron Chef: This show makes me angry.

Bite me.

Iron Cheaters, rise. I'm going to inform Hirohito of this injustice. Tag Team back again. Sakai/Morimoto vs. Batali/Flay.

"This one of a kind, two-on-two match demands a special ingredient that is... extra-special. Today, the secret ingredients are... Scallops! Some Word I Can't Understand! And Sea Urchin! Forgive me. In my excitement, it appears that I have forgotten one more secret ingredient for this particular battle. It is my honor for the first time to bring together our two cultures, our two food worlds in competition not against each other, but rather with each other. For today, we will make history together as Iron Chefs Sakai and Batali chop as one, while Iron Chefs Morimoto and Flay share their wisdom on the same cutting board. Gentlemen, switch partners." OMG SWERVE!!! Morimoto's all "WHAAAA???" and Sakai's like "SHRUG". I guess this is the only way to ensure that a dirty Jap wins. Morimoto pretends like he's going to fight Flay, and then they make out. Allez Cuisine! I guess I'll root for Team Old Fatties on account of the Flay factor. Morimoto should walk out on him. I can dig it.

Everybody grabs their sea critters. The word I couldn't understand referred to horrid mutant shrimp. Each chef is responsible for two individual dishes, plus a single team effort on both sides. Bobby and Masaharu are miscommunicating already.

Morimoto smashes wasabi for one of Flay's dishes. Kevin Brausch reports that Batali stole all the ingredients. Fat. "We're gonna make a dish based on Sicily." Square. Morimoto busts up sea urchins. Sakai's workin' the granny glasses as he prepares eggs for custard. Flay needs Band-Aids. Pssh. He's making a chile oil when he's not busy cutting his fingers off. HAHA, Sakai dubs the unit of Batali and himself "The Happy Fun Team". Super-Ultra Number One!

The "langisteen"(?) looks like a giant shrimp, but it's a "lobsterette". Whatever, Alton. 15 minutes have been pissed away. Mario's so hungry that he's eating a wooden spoon. Various soups are souped. Sakai peels potato noodles on some nutty machine.

Commercials. Shrug.

Love the recap. Meet today's quartet of judges. Ted Allen, Professional Gentleman of Leisure. And by that I mean "homo". Dayna Devon, vapid Extra bitch. She can't even spell "Dana". What would Casey McCall say? James Michael Tyler. He's that coffee shop asshole from friends. And the hateable Jeffrey Steingarten returns.

A fat Jap has to help Flay find a whisk. Useless. Morimoto puts scallops in a rice cooker as Sakai's assistant burns the kitchen down. Hiroyuki's making some Italian crap in honor of The Happy Fun Team. Batali cooks a "Sicilian lifeguard sauce". Morimoto's got a Japanese grill. Put your Band-Aid on, Bobby. You're hardcore. Sakai wraps "lobsterette" tails in noodles. Morimoto sniffs sea urchins. Flay butterflies the lobster-things for use by Masaharu. Ted says "Vulcan mind meld".

Sakai and Batali give one another some dap. Bobby fries shrimpy heads. A cauliflower custard will be served in sea urchin sells. Transcendent. Mario uses tiny calamari. It's a trap. Down to 30 minutes.

Commercials. Special K is "special".

The Chairman is concerned about Bobby Flay's debilitating boo-boo. He needs a hot tag. Wolfgang joins A.B. to bitch about his exclusion from the proceedings. Flay runs around and makes yellow pepper sauce to honor Kaga's ghost. There's the inevitable foie gras. Bobby's blender bubbles over. He's horrible. Sakai dredges scallops in parsley and bread crumbs. Mario makes him taste something. Is it a heel trick? No, Sakai likes it. Alton: "That was just love." The Happy Fun Team = Rico and Chaarlie. Flay burned an orange sauce. He's holding you back, Morimoto. Michinoku Driver time.

Sakai puts chicken eggs in a bamboo steamer. And Flay still hasn't mastered the blender. He's arguing with somebody all dickishly. Ham is deep-fried. Sakai's underling chops black truffles. We're down to the final 15.

Commercials. That finger-snapping enthusiast who looks like Bruce Campbell is scary.

Mario, to Sakai: "You need anything, darling?" He really is Rico! Flay: "Hurry up!" Morimoto: "We are not enemy!" Masaharu's grillin' scallops, but one squirts shit all over him. Replay! Sakai plates his potato-wrapped shrimp thing. 10 minutes to go. Flay plates despite his mummified hand, while his partner steals rocks and seaweed from the fucking tank display. Morimoto was using cedar branches in his grilling, and now they're on fire. Haha, he stomps one out. Riceballs are grilled. The Happy Fun Team is showboating and drinking wine! HEEL! Morimoto's got sake for his team, as well. We're reached the final minute. Flay tells some Jap to "Do it now, do it now!" So mean. Morimoto bumps Bobby and spills something. They don't even have time to get drunk, because time's up. Ah, there they go. Hugs on both sides.

Commercials. Chico's is where Razor Ramon buys clothes for the elderly women he dates.

Here's the final rundown. Judging rules.

The Happy Fun Team goes first. "Egg and Sea Urchin Sabayon" from Sakai. Steingarten's pissed off by inedible garnishes. And it's dangerous to eat fresh bay leaves. Sakai was trying to kill Jeffrey Steingarten! Prosecute to the full extent of the law! Sakai had wanted to use paper, but it wasn't available. Paper is a hot commodity. Mario brings "Arborio Rice Crusted Scallops". Sakai's got "Potato Wrapped Crispy Langoustine". Steingarten: "I did take the liberty of removing the abalone from my mouth after I had worked on it for five minutes." Why do you hate foreigners, Jeffrey Steingarten? Mario comes with "Barely Cooked Langoustines in a Shrimp and Chorizo Broth". And the combo dish features Sakai's "Panko and Parsley Crusted Scallops" with Batali's "Sicilian Lifeguard Style Razor Calms and Scallops". Yeah, "Razor Calms". Nice spelling, Food Network.

Team Foppish Odd Couple goes next. Masaharu's got "Crispy Rice Ball with Scallops, Sea Urchin, and Langoustine". Steingarten doesn't despise it, somehow. Flay serves "Seafood Tapas". And Morimoto's "Steamed Scampi, Scallops, and Sea Urchins". Steingarten hates on the spices. Flay brings "Shellfish Impersonating Oysters". Trickeration. Finally, the Super Happy Team-Up is "Japanese Grilled Shellfish with Three Dipping Sauces". Dayna Whats-Her-Face: "I could bathe in this green sauce." Ick. Ted makes catty fag jokes. The Final Encounter comes next.

Commercials. Boosh.

"Four champions met on our glorious kitchen battlefield. But only one of our winning teams can triumph today. And so now I am prepared to hand down our judges' verdict as we all discover, once again... Whose Cuisine Reigns Supreme. Iron Chefs... Morimoto and Flay!" TNM can't pick a winnar. Man, it was a beatdown. Morimoto/Flay earned Tasting: 36, Plating: 18, and Originality: 17, totaling 71. Sakai/Batali scored Taste: 29, Plating: 12, and Originality: 14 for a sum of 55. We out.

Final Thoughts: Thank god that's over.