Where the hell'd I put the Final Resolution tape? Oh, there you are. You little rascal.

By the time I finish this rebeak, all new resolutions will be null and void, so if you wanna make some, hurry up, fat stuff. Is that your FINAL RESOLUTION???

Yay Sting hooray hooray.

Here we are once again. Countdown clock. Bobby Roode Calls Me "Jeremy Boorish" is saying words. Match graphics. Rhino vs. Abyss. AMW vs. Deadlies for the titles. Joe vs. Daniels in an Awesome Graphic Match. Oh man, Joe has TWO PHONES! NO WAITING, LADIES! Christian/Fake Scorpion vs. Jeff/Monty. You know what'd be awesome? If all this buildup turned out to be for Fake NWO Sting.

Kick it to OOOOOH, A MAN THEY CALL SHANE who stands with C TO THE C YEAH YOU KNOW ME. Unlike his brother longtime associate, whom you just think you know. Christian glances up at the lights and smiles vacantly while rocking back and forth like an autistic. God, Shane's a weirdo. Nyeh-ha! C-Squared acknowledges the chant from The Peeps. Nobody's more excited about Sting than he. But the Space Invaders' Welcome Wagon is an unfriendly one. Probably because they all have dysentery and cholera. Christian wonders which Sting is showing up tonight. Fake NWO Sting! Book it! Christian says he'll soon be NWA Champ. Because he rolls in that manner. Douglas vows to get the first words with Sting. He's never spoken before. He will say "Ga-ga goo-goo," and then: impromptu match with Samoa Joe.

FUCK YOU STING WE GOT THE GOOD GUITAR LICKS v. Um, This Is NOT What We Were Talking About, Actually

No D'Amore, and A-1 instead of Roode? C'mon, Team Canada, bring your A-Game. Not your A-1-Game. He kisses their flag. Eric seems a little more mellow than usual. Pyro barely even scared him! Kenny King and Jay Lethal have to sponge off Hoyt's entrance like talented little remoras to a great white retarded shark, but at least Kenny's totally taking the center position all "YEEY, YEEY." It is my dearest wish to see these two jump that ass after they invariably lose and form the blackingest tag team this side of Blacksburg. KENNY KING JUST SHOT ME WITH A FINGERGUN! Swoon. God, Hoyt's all in blue with a white condom-hat. "YEAAAAHHHHH!!!" Die. it takes him five minutes to get his hoop earrings off. What the fuck is all over his pants? Giant medals of honor? Whatever.

Jay starts with Petay. "LET'S GO LETHAL." That makes Petey sad. Lockup, no, Lethal takes out a leg. Off the ropes, somersaulting over as Petey drops down, off the ropes, swing ducked, whipped into the other side, hiptoss by Lethal, then cartwheeling over into a big jumping dropkick to the face of the seated Petey! Break us off some, Jay Lethal. 1, 2, no. Petey begs off like "HOLD ON MAN I'M FROM CANADA I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH YOU COLOREDS." Tag to A-1, who tries to intimidate Jay with his gay muscleman poses. So Lethal brings in Hoyt? Fight shitty with shitty, sure. I HAVE DREAMED OF THIS MATCH-UP FOR SO MANY WEEKS AND THEN I WAKE UP IN A COLD SWEAT AND I AM SCREAMING. Shove by A-1. Reciprocation from Hoyt, who has a FLAMING CROSS ON HIS PANTS, I SHIT YOU NOT. His two African-American partners gotta love that on the eve of MLK Day! I guess it's probably an ankh or maybe even a phoenix, but I'm not giving douchey the benefit of the doubt. A-1 punches badly, as does Hoyt! THEY PUTTIN' ON A CLINIC! Hoyt gains the upper hand until A-1 kneelifts him. Corner whip by A-1, but his charge comes up empty. Lance delivers a big sidewalk slam. 1, 2, no. Armwringin', tag to Kenneth, whose hair is all red and Rodman-esque. He nails the arm and twists it further. "USA" chant as Kenny and A-1 trade hammerlocks. Side headlock by the Canadian mans, whipped off, and Kenny loses the shoulderblock war. Off the ropes, A-1 hops over, Kenny leapfrogs, then takes A-1 down with a drop toehold, rolling over into a reclining side headlock. Indy Applauso. "KENNY" chant? Why not.

A-1 stands and busts loose of the headlock. He scoops Kenny and dumps him in the evil corner as Eric Young tags in. But King has a dream of punching white people, so he fends everybody off. Cutting loose on E.Y. Whip, AKIO'S FINISHING KICK! GET SOME! Haha, Eric gives us his Arn Anderson impression. Out on his feet and punchin' nothin'. Kenny punches the ribs in the corner. Corner whip, Flair Flip by Eric! Fear Flip. Terrible, terrible fear. He skedaddles to the opposite turnbuckles and climbs, but King leaps to the second rope and tangles with him. Here comes Petey to hug Eric's ankle, preventing Kenny's superplex. Williams gets a scolding from the ref, but Young's now able to forward suplex Kenny down. Hopping down into a cover, 1, 2, no. Tenay just said "Kenny Kung," I think. Kenny Kong. Racist. Head to the buckle. Eric ties King in the Tree Of Maple before fussing around and distracting the ref. In comes Petey, and down comes the hair... "O Canada" whilst stepping upon your dick! Kenny falls, and Williams stays in. Back clubbers, but King fights back. Suplex attempt, but Petey manages to drop down and make it an EGO TRIP! Hoyt's getting all uppity. Petey slaps his own hand because he doesn't want to touch A-1, and who can blame him? A-1 with stomps and shit. Boot choke. Scooped over the shoulder, but King slips behind. His offense is halted by a kneelift. Whip, clothesline ducked, KRAZY KARTWHEEL KICK might have just broken A-1's nose! Sweet. Now do it to Hoyt, Kenny King. He'd probably welcome it, as it'd allow him to be even more like Test. Replay so that we miss the hot tag. Good, TNA. Well, I'd rather see Kenny King kicking a stiff in the face again than Lance Hoyt punching people, so I guess I can't complain.

So yeah, Lance Hoyt is punching people. Clotheslines all around. Kick, over-the-shoulder pumphandle slam on Petey. Gee, I wonder who used to do that. 1, 2, A-1 saves. What was up with that microphone feedback? Hoyt reverses A-1's a-whip and Big Doots him in the face (shoulder). Eric Young jumps onto Lance's back with the Feminine Sleeper! You go, Eric Young. Hoyt pops him in the head really stupidly, then spreads his arms inverted Razor's Edge style and brings him down into a bomb. Flop, flop, flop goes Eric Young. Tag to Lethal before Hoyt arranges Petey and clotheslines A-1 out. Jay's up top... biiiig swandive headbutt comes up empty! Petey sets Lethal up as Hoyt's too busy windmill punching A-1 like a girl on the outside to help out... CANADIAN DESTROYER! 1, 2, 3, and Kenny was too late to save. Sign: "BAG OF MILK."

Deadlies vs. Team 3-D package. Uh, I mean Deadlies vs. AMW. You know what I mean, ass. 17 minutes to Final Resolution, by the way. Hahaha, Buh Buh's passionate promo about wanting the NWA Title more than others is accompanied by graphics of the words "ALL," "18," AND "RUNS" shooting out at us. Words/numbers. You can't win the BASE BALL GAME without runs!

Shane and JB are blabbin'. The Mysterious JB. Shane: "WHAT DOES STING LOOK LIKE???" WOLFPAC STING, DUH. He's going to Sting's dressing room. RIGHT NOW!!!!!

West and Tenay are retardeds. Yes, yes, match graphics, I've already bought your damn PPV. I hope I am not sorry about your damn PPV. How many matches are on this card, like five? A.V. Club better do somethin'.

Feeto Banditos v. NATURAL BORE KILLERS

Hahaha, the music for Los Hombres Zapatos has Road Dogg's "OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW???" at the beginning. That is really very awesome. And then Konnan sings about where his dawgs are at. Very good entrance music, Muhammad. Borash: "The team of Apolo..." Apolo is not there, sir. "The team of Homicide and Konnan!" What, did Apolo no-show already? No big loss. Oh, Tenay says Apolo was in Puerto Rico last night and couldn't make it due to travel problems. Probably had a bomb in his shoe like that one crazy dude. Konnan gets on the mic and shouts out at Ron Killings. He still wants him on his side. "...that walking gloryhole, Kip James..." Oh, snap! He just verbally took his shoe off and verbally threw it at you verbally! He wants K-Kwik to join him and Homicide in LAX, which is the airport Apolo could not go to. "It's a dangerous time right now to be walkin' alone, Ronny!" Shoe Gang Wars. Nike vs. Reebok.

I do not like The Naturals. They rush they ring, and it's a brawl. Double whips, Douglas Thesz presses Homicide as Stevens punches Konnan inna head. Mounted punching for both heels. They bail out as The Naturals chuck their do-rags into the crowd. Now Stevens grabs Homicide on the apron and begins to suplex him back into the ring, subsequently passing him back to Douglas. Up in powerbomb position, and Stevens makes it happen by assisting with a high dropkick. Stop making me type such convoluted sentences, The Naturals. Chase covers for two. Whip, Homicide hops over, Chase leapfrogs, then brings Homicide down into an inverted atomic drop. Off the ropes to bowl him over with a clothesline. Tag to Andy. Double corner whip, bulldog onto Stevens' knee. 1, 2, no. Homicide plows Douglas into the corner and manages to tag Konnan, I think. Andy fights them both off, regardless. Konnan finally hauls him down by the hair. Whip by Homicide, Douglas leaps over, and HC sends him flippin' with a deep kneelift. So I guess there was no tag. Suddenly.

Corner whip reversed by Douglas, but he runs into Homicide's knee. And then said cholo comes off the middle rope with a swinging DDT. Cover, 1, 2, no. Tag to Konnan, who punches. Angrily and girlishly. Kneeing him lots. "SHUT UP!" to the referee, middle fingers for the crowd. Whip, Rolling Thunder clothesline. Andy dangles on the middle rope, so Homicide knees him in the head from the apron. Tag back to him for punchings. Dragging Douglas out and dropping elbows on his thigh. Konnan returns with a paintbrush. Whip, chucked up, and dropped into death. Here's Homicide again. Got the foot, enzuigiri ducked, but the momentum of Douglas' forward roll sends Homicide into The Naturals' corner really fakily. Hot tag to Stevens, who kicks. Off the ropes, leaping snap neckbreaker. Konnan enters and takes a kick. Whip reversed, clothesline ducked, flying forearm on Konnan. Kip-up, marking out for oneself. Douglas whips Homicide and tilt-a-whirls him up into Natural Disaster position... hit! Cover, but referee Rudy Charles has to restrain Douglas for whatever reason as Konnan lurks around. Got his Mexican object... SOCK to the head of Stevens! Haha, that was loud. Homicide rolls the pin over, 1, 2, 3. 187, dawg.

Shane: "OOOOH, WHAT A HUGE NIGHT FOR TNA!" Sting's dressing room is signified by a picture of a scorpion under a blacklight? Queer. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK HEY STING. You're not going to get him, Shane, you dummy. "Steve? You in there?" STOP BREAKING KAYFABE! Haha, Douglas finds Petey, Eric, and A-1 eating all of Sting's catering. But not in terror. Well, maybe Eric. They, too, are looking for Sting. Petey's pissed about Sting's warm welcome. "Look at this layout! I mean, apples... Perrier water... carrots..." Haha. ONLY THE FINEST CARROTS FOR STING. Eric feeds A-1 some foodstuffs. Team Canada never got nothin' like this. And Sting didn't even bother to show up for it. Young: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Petey! I know it doesn't appear like he's here, but I, I've got this sixth sense, this Canadian Danger sense!" They have to stay frosty. Sting could be anywhere. Even UP THERE ON THE CEILING! The lights go out and everybody screams for their very lives. Eric: "NO! I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO IT!!!" Haha. He dressed up as Surfer Sting completely by accident! Just tripped and fell into the costume. Back come the lights and ERIC YOUNG IS CRADLED IN SHANE DOUGLAS' ARMS SCOOBY-DOO-STYLE FUCKING AWESOME. Heh, Shane passes him off to A-1 as we hear the cherubic laughter of BIG LOAD = BIG FUNNY, who hit the light switch as a rib. A delicious barbecued rib. D'Amore tells 'em to chill. A big Space Invader conference awaits. And he throws a grape or something at Douglas.

A MAAAAN CALLED STIIIIING shut up. I need a Vanilla Pepsi, Monty Brown. Wait, this one's not gone. This is a package about the main event, by the way.

West: "When Sting appears, it is going to be a magical evening!" Dinner, dancing, the works. Oh god, this is the part where he goes near the crowd and tries to sell the show and doesn't know what in the fuck he is doing. "If he doesn't beat the Mystery Partner, he is gone from TNA!" Why would Raven want to beat his partner? It's very special when you and your partner are like one. West looks like he's in pain during these. Take in a breath, dude.

Turning Point music video. God, don't let it start with Abyss vs. Rhino. Styles vs. Whoever would be a fine choice.

Goofball PPV opening. All about Sting. Monty: "To be in the ring with one of the greatest, most prolific athletes to ever grace our sport... To be in the ring with an entertainer's entertainer... and that's just how Sting feels about The Alpha Male." And Jarrett's like "Dah ha ha, that was a good one, Monty Brown." Child's Whisper: "HE'S COMING." ARE U SCARED? Did Sting's yell always sound so girlish and terrified and Eric Young-like? Child's Whisper: "HE'S HERE." I'M SCARED.

Tonight, the face of TNA changes forever, because many of the fat fans are wearing their pasty Sting make-up. Pyrotechnics. AWWWW YEAH, A.V. CLUB, SON.

Kliq Kliq Boom *school explodes a la Heathers* v. Indians Have A Social Caste

Strong talks trash, Austin glares at us like the scary Dynasty Warriors mental patient that he is, and Shelley cranks his camera while wearing a phat pinstriped sportscoat. With no shirt. And a skull design airbrushed on the back. Camera set up. Strong tests it out with a Masterpiece pose, then gives us the A-OK sign and dives in the ring. Traci, god bless her, is attempting to help me get my A.V. Club gimmick over with a schoolgirl ensemble. She also looks about five times hotter than usual. Untied necktie and nerd glasses. Yow. Gigantic shoes, also. Oh shit, what if she turns on Bentley here? I would fall out of my chair with my legs sticking straight up in the air. Put your hat on straight, Sonjay Dutt. Don't be an Alex Shelley. He Tajiri flips into the ring, somersaults, and threatens the Sprinkler. Whoa, Sabin changed his hair. All frosted and highlighted and shit with blonde. Looks better, actually. Old school jacket, too. And the alien logo's different. Alex also has some blonde in his hair, but in a fucked-up Alex Shelley way. Oh shit, they're going to start, too. Two gay haircuts enter, one gay haircut leaves.

Can I return the PPV and get like $25 back after this match is over? And does @Lx have pirate skulls all over his hotpants? Gettin' his Gan Ning on. Sabin chants make him attempt to shush the crowd. We begin with Test Of Strength handholding, but Shelley moves his left hand lower and lower so that Sabin has to crouch down and ultimately get his other hand stepped upon. Pulling the new hair, as well. Now the faceholes. Decked in the face is Chris. Armwringer, corner whip, Sabin slings over a charge and backflips for no particular reason. Sabin charges in, but Shelley sidesteps and sends him back into the corner. Alex eats a boot on his charge, regardless. I have no idea what those logos are, actually. Sabin heads to the middle turnbuckle, does a forward flip to his feet, and pitches Shelley with an armdrag. Snapmare, spine kick. Off the ropes, and the one-footed dropkick POPS Shelley in the back of the head! Tag to Sonjay, who flips up into Sabin's powerbomb position before getting dumped into a splash on Shelley! 1, 2, no. Yell. Front chancery, but Alex is a biter! He'll bite ya! The Baby Bear'll bite ya! Alex grasps one hand as he gnaws on the other, swinging Sonjay around into a Play Of The Day hammerlock. Zany. Tag to Strong, who kicks Dutt in the kidney. Hooking up a uranage, but Dutt flips up, behind, and over the arm(!) to land on his feet. Strong quickly spins him for a half-nelson slam, but Dutt reaches back to turn that into an armdrag! Tilt-a-whirled up into Rod's reverse torture rack, but Dutt drops down to make than an armdrag, as well! Armdrag into an armbar, and Strong's downed. "DUTT DUTT DUTT." Eventually they'll say "GOOSE!" and Matt Bentley will put his penis in your ass. Sonjay wringing the arm and tagging said Mr. Bentley, who axehandles it. He goes back to the armbar, but Roderick pulls his girl hair and forces him into the corner. Trying a cheapshot is Strong, but Bentley ducks and throws rapid-fire HBK jabs. Corner whip sees Strong get hiptossed and armdragged back to the armbar somehow as the feed fucks up.

Slow in wringing the arm is Bentley, but Strong stomps on his big clodhopper and brings in Aries. Clothesline ducked, and Bentley reels Austin in for an atomic drop. Which sends him into the face corner for a game of pinball. Bridging northern lights by Bentley! 1, 2, no. Armbar, and in comes Dutt. Goofy Ninja stuff precedes a karate kick to the ribs. He has a Taj Mahal on his pants, but they are red and white. Right hand, then a corner whip, but Sonjay gets backdropped to the apron on his charge. He blocks Aries' shot and delivers one of his own. Holding the hand, up top, Old School Sprinkler Walk, but Roderick Strong wiggles the rope to crotch him! Well, Dutt fell prematurely, but whatever. Strong barges in to start whacking Sabin and Bentley. He and Aries set Dutt up in the Dudleyz' reverse neckbreaker doubleteam as Shelley climbs up... MUSHROOM STOMP TO THE RIBS, then dropped into the neckbreaker! And Shelley totally lands on his feet. I bet he has the best Trapper Keeper ever. Folding Dutt into a cover, 1, 2, no. HEY LOOK IT'S DAVE HEBNER WHO CARES. Idiots. Shelley dicks around for awhile, but I don't know if he did anything of note because we're watching Hebner glance around like a senile person. Strong eventually comes in and drops Dutt with a butterfly suplex. 1, 2, no. Tag to Aries before Strong departs with a hard chop. Whip, kick to ribs, then springing off the middle rope to drive his full weight down on Sonjay's back. And Aries mocks his pain. Hard back suplex, 1, 2, no. Aries hangs Dutt up on the ropes, kicking him in the ribs and chest. Then Strong grabs the pants to yank him down to the floor.

Sabin and Bentley tattle to referee Buff Bagwell's Referee as Strong beats up on Dutt. Jerry Lynn's on the ramp to watch, as well. Hooray for old boring people who like to watch matches! You know who also likes to watch the match, TNA? ME. Rolled back in, where Aries covers for two. Tag to Shelley. Oh shit, I think somebody is about to get set up The Bomb Threat! Shelley with the double leg, catapult into Strong's Trenchcoat Mafia Kick to the ribs, corpse draped across Shelley's knees for Austin's slingshot senton splash! And l@@k at the illegal men run around hilariously to exit the ring. STF Crossface applied by Shelley! Making it an STF Rings of Saturn now. Jesus Christ. He lets go so he can boot Sonjay in the head. Tag to Strong, spitting at the faces to draw their ire, then doubleteaming as the ref cuts them off. Shelley and Aries each take a leg of Sonjay's corpse as Strong takes both arms... lifted up, then dropped down into a flapjack. 1, 2, no.

Chop by Strong, but Dutt gets all fired up in the manner of Triple H with chest kicks. Roderick knocks him down with a forearm to the jaw, however. Putting the badmouth on him as Sonjay chills in the corner. Trying a Fit Finlay Special out of there, but Dutt backflips to his feet! Boot the face, tilt-a-whirl up into a swinging DDT! Tags to Sabin and Shelley! Alex comes off the top with a flamboyantly flagrant The Stupid that I guess could have been a plancha, but Sabin buries a mule kick in his ribs! Off the ropes, clothesline ducked, and Chris leaps into a hurricanrana! Running boot to the jaw in the corner! Ow. Tied in the Tree Of Chocowoe for some boot choking... baseball slide dropkick to the face! Back to the opposite side for the biiiig Kain jump into HARD dropkick! And Shelley does a sit-up as if to say "Ow, I am dead." Austin Aries starts runnin' around and gets his head drop toeholdededed right into @Lx's crotch! Strong takes Sabin up in fireman's carry position, but he slips behind and shoves him into the ropes... roundhouse mule kick to the ribs! Booting both of the other A.V. Club members in the head as he wheels around for a tornado DDT on Strong! "HAIL SABIN" chant as he knocks Shelley into retardedness with the climb-up enzuigiri. Up for the Cradle Shock, but Shelley drops down and shoves him off. Sabin catches his swing and blasts him with another enzuigiri! Bentley's on the top, having made a blind tag... HBK ELBOW! 1, 2, Aries attempts to save, but only succeeds in dropping an elbow on Alex. Matt chucks Aries, ducks Shelley's clothesline, and takes him out with a hiptoss slam. 1, 2, Strong saves. He still wants his uranage into backbreaker on the knee, and this time it connects. But Dutt's back to kick Rod in the ribs. Got him by the neck... ASAI DDT!!! Calling the Hindu Press, which is the school newspaper of Crazy Murder High or wherever The A.V. Club attends, but Austin comes flying into the picture, skips over Strong's corpse, and dumps Dutt to the floor. Austin says IT'S ALL OVAH prior to ascending, but Sabin shoves HIM to the floor! Plop. Ow. Sabin's motioning to the crowd, and I THINK... HE'S GOING... BERSERK!!!!

Tope suicida onto Aries! Back to the ring, where Bentley swings out of Shelley's whip to nail a Downward Spiral. THIS AIN'T GEOMETRY CLASS, SON. Bentley's freaking out and calling Sweet Cousin Music, but Strong's back to his feet... off the ropes, TRENCHCOAT MAFIA KICK kills Bentley dead! Matt's up in fireman's carry position as Traci hits the apron to pitch a bitch... Strong drops Bentley to go yell at Traci, because if there's one thing The A.V. Club is afraid of, it's girls. Mouthy, mouthy, mouthy, so Strong grabs her by the hair. And Bentley SWEET COUSIN MUZACKS him in the side of the head! Shelley surprises Bentley with a schoolboy (A-HA!), grabbing the tights... 1, 2, 3! And Shelley keeps pulling his own tights to indicate that he pulled the tights. God damned weirdo. Tenay: "DAMN, they are not to be denied, are they?" Steeple! Alex mouths "motherfucker" before bragging about tight-pulling some more. And now he bails. Replays of things. Mushroom Stomp. Kain jump. Tope suicida. Schoolboy. The faces mull around the ring and act sad.

Talking about matches. Hooray.

Music video about the 4 Live Kru break-up. Why? THAT WAS HIS DADDY, KO-NAN! Time for a soder pop.

THEY'RE GONNA RUSTLE OUR DIAMONDS, BOYS! v. James Gang Soldiers

Blech. HMM YES THIS WILL NOT BE VERY GOOD A'TALL. Hey, Dogg, you can't use the "YOU DIDN'T KNOW" soundbye, too. Konnan had dibs. Now I'm not sure if that was Konnan trying to be a dick to BG, or the sound people fucking up. Such is the way of TNA. God, Billy has his hair up in a queer topknot. Crowd: "NEW AGE OUTLAWS". NO IT'S THE JAMES GANG WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Dogg gives us a new spiel while Simon thinks of brilliant strategies. "WIN THE MATCH!" Hmm, yes. "He's that K to the I to the Pizzle! I'm that B to the G to the Jizzle!" God, kill me. Gunn has three words for us. "GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD!" Ummm... that's wrong. Tenay: "Maybe more than three words, I'm not sure!" Really? Are you really not sure, The Professor, Mike Tenay?

Elix starts with Road Dogg. Lockup, waistlock by Skipper, brief full nelson, spinning around to a hammerlock, then an armbar, then a side headlock. God, pick a move and stick with it, Maven. Whipped off, but Skipper asplodes forward to flatten Dawg on the shoulderblock. "THIS IS MY HOUSE!" It suuuure is. Elix's dancy. Jizzle wants to lock up, but Elix catches his arm and immediately bars it. West thinks Gunn's ridiculous hair looks like The Grinch. Meanwhile, Skipper steps on BG's knee to drive him down, then chokes him with his own arm. Spun out, three-quarter backdrop, maintaining the armbar. Side headlock, whipped off, and Dogg still loses the shoulderblock. This is dumb. Looking for another lockup, but Elix strikes first with a kneelift and a clubber. His house. Whip, clothesline ducked, stupid jukey jabs by Jizzle. Big right hand. Off the ropes, Shake, Rattle, and Die kneedrop. 1, 2, but Elix bridges out with the Matrix-Like Maneuver, and Tenay just said "Matrish." Tag to Gunn, tag to Young. Gunn, to Elix: "*crotch chop* SUCK THAT!" I think you mean "it," sir. Lockup, tussling around, and Young ends up in the corner. Ref forces a break. Lockup, headlock applied by Kip, but Dave throws shots to the ribs. Whipped off, shoulderblock is a stalemate. Young wants Gunn to try another, and he obliges. And this time David Papa Shangos way too early. You're quite the instructor, Simon. Kick by Gunn, then a punch. Whip, Dave hops over, Ass leapfrogs, Elix scampers in to try a double clothesline, but it's ducked. Kip flips 'em both with pseudo-Japanese armdrags. BG blind tagged in, I guess. He's a seeing-eye dogg. And he clotheslines both Diamonds to the floor. West: "And Simon Diamond right now's got a job to do!" No, he's not the one losing the match.

Tha Gang follows outside to bash The Diamonds' noggins together. Menacing Simon for no reason now. Dogg tosses Young back in. Whip reversed, Jizzle hops outside to punch Elix, then goes back in and gets buried by Young's Arn Anderson spinebuster. Good. Mounted punching by David. Inviting Kip into the ring, but nay. Neigh. Horseface. Young hops on Road Dogg's face before tagging Skipper in. Free shot. Snapmare, hard spine kick, and Dogg is utterly dead. 1, 2, no. Head to the buckle, tag to Young. Elix corner whips Jizzle, then drop toeholds him for David's basement dropkick to the side of the head. Cover lasts a million years, but the ref was discussing things with Kip, so no go. Dave scoop slams Road Dogg and drags a thumb across the throat. I THINK HE GOIN' FO' DAT SUICIDE BOMB! Up top, but the pool be empty for the David Youngsault, so he pops up all like "GRR I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU INVISIBLE GHOSTS WHO TOLD ME TO DO THAT." And then falls back down. Maybe he really IS an Anderson! He's bald and ugly and stocky like one. Tags to Gunn and Skipper, causing Billy to punch everyone. He whips Young into a powerslam. Simon's on the apron, so here is a punch for him. He falls to the floor and kicks his little feet in terrible pain. Trying an Ass Splasher in the corner on Elix, but he evades. Skipper goes to the apron, Tajiri flips into the ring, and delivers a clothesline. Why didn't you just clothesline him in the first place, Elix Skipper? Cover, 1, 2, Dogg saves. He sets up the pumphandle slam on Elix and pretends to do him in tha butt until Young nails him with an axehandle. Where's "THAT WAS GAY" when we need it, TNA fans? Dogg and Young fall outside and fight, who cares. Elix tries to hit the That Was Gay Of The Day on Gunn, but he swings out, kick, One And Only hits. 1, 2, 3. Tenay: "He said 'I'm gonna take him on a boat ride to Missouri!'" What in the holy christ? Am I supposed to have a deep understanding of Old West history to know what the fuck is going on with these two terrible, terrible wrestlers?

OOOOH, Did I See You In A Limousine / Flingin' Out Fish And The Unleavened is a combination nickname for Shane Douglas and Christopher Daniels. The song is called "The Fallen," you see. Aw, shut up. Daniels thinks Joe said a lot of inaccurate things after finally deciding to speak. JOE SAYS A LOT OF THINGS. Joe's never choked him out. Daniels wasn't too injured to whack Joe with a chair. And he's not afraid of getting blood-towelled. "Do I seem like somebody who's afraid to shed blood for what he believes in?" Samoa Joe vs. Jihad Joe. It's going to come down to what they believe in. Joe believes he's unbeatable, while Daniels believes that there's a big difference between unbeatable and unbeaten. "You see, I believe that when it comes to the X-Division, there is no you, there is only me!" Hey, are you quotin' song lyrics with me, Christopher Daniels? High-five! He's going to "spread his finest gospel" at Joe's expense. Restaraunt-quality gospel, folks. Very good! Very good gospel, Christopher Daniels! Joe should say his prayers.

Mr. Japanese Man v. Mr. TNA Man

Tanahashi is the U-30 Champion, which is Eminem's band or something, I don't know. The under thirty years of age champion. Streamers are thrown. Probably the same ones Liger got. Recycled. Did you get your plaque back, AJ? You can't wrestle without your plaque! It offers sage advice! Tenay says no, he did not. P-P-P-Penis Pose. Very intimidating to a Japanese person. Nice mullet, Tanahashi. Or rattail, maybe. I don't want Scott Christ to come after me because I misidentified a mullet. The crowd chants for him because, hey, nothin' else to do. Tenay: "Look at the charisma of Hiroshi Tanahashi!" WOW CHECK IT OUT I CAN SEE HIS CHARISMA IT'S EXUDING FROM HIS BODY LIKE STINK-LINES. No wonder Christian smells so bad.

Lockup, waistlock by Tanahashi, quickly reversed by AJ, Tanahashi goes back around, and Styles slips away. Is it okay to identify him as "Jap," because I don't want to type "Tanahashi" 800 times. I'll call AJ "Hick" if it makes you feel better. Wow, Styles has a diamond stud earring. Very metrosexual. Lockup, Masterlock by Tanahashi, then an armbar, then a hammerlock, but AJ reverses that to one of his own. Tanahashi backs him into the corner, where he throws a back elbow and flippy double mule kick. AJ charges out and gets upended by an armdrag, into an armbar. Tenay's talking about Muta as we see a replay of what just happened. Back to the now, where AJ manages an armdrag, but Tanahashi quickly answers. Styles attempts another, but Tanahashi blocks by overpowering him and dumping him forward onto his face. Armbar applied, but AJ stands to bust free with forearms. Whipped off, leapfrog by AJ, Tanahashi hops over, and AJ breaks out his nice dropkick. West says AJ just served notice that this is his house. I thought it was Elix's house? They roomies? Off the ropes goes Styles, but Tanahashi hits the bricks, so AJ changes the course of his jumperies to land on the apron, then spring back in. Replay of the dropkick.

Back inside, where Tanahashi collects himself. Lockup, AJ spins out and throws a chop. Tanahashi responds with an overhand version, whereas Styles' are slantier. Hiroshi invites AJ to continue this foreign exchange of chops. Woo. Woo. Now it's forearm for forearm. AJ gets rocked, but he backpedals off the ropes and busts out another one. Tanahashi gets scooped into a slam. And AJ runs around People's Elbow-style to hit the split-legged spaz kneedrop! 1, 2, no. Tanahashi mounts a comeback with rapid-fire forearms. Ducking AJ's clothesline and dropping him on his HEAD with a German suplex! Boot by Tanahashi, who picks AJ up and whips him into a flying forearm sort of thing. Big jumping Muta elbow! Or Danny Basham elbow, if you prefer. Somersault senton splash, 1, 2, no. Replay of the suplex. Tanahashi stomps AJ's neck, but Styles attempts to fight back. No good, as Tanahashi catches him in an octopus. Grinding his elbow into Styles' kidney. Tenay brags about Tanahashi defeating Scott Hall at one point. I could defeat Scott Hall at this point. AJ elbows loose and makes the ropes. Hard axehandle by Tanahashi. Boots. Standing on the throat. Styles throws gutshots, which do little. Whip, trying a sleeper, but Styles blocks, slips behind, and goes for one of his own. Tanahashi reverses that and does manage to apply it. AJ makes weird faces as he passes out. Dropping to a seated position, so Tanahashi turns it into a Dragon Sleeper! "AJ" chant. He powers up, but Tanahashi lifts Styles off his feet, making it a GIANT SWING DRAGON SLEEPER until he drops him with an Eye Of The Hurricane! Damn. 1, 2, but he has a knee across AJ's throat, so the count is stopped.

Picked up is Styles. Scoop slam, Tanahashi heads to the second rope and poses... Muta elbowdrop misses! Back up, Tanahashi takes a swing, but AJ kicks his arm away and nails an enzuigiri. Both men down. Crowd rallies behind AJ and his earrings. Two Earrings To Rule Them All. He's up, and he's cutting Tanahashi down with clotheslines. Suplex attempt, but Tanahashi won't go all the way over. Styles hits the ropes and gets hefted. Tanahashi dumps him to the apron before eating a forearm. Springboard split-legged spaz forearm! AJ picks him up into suplex position, flipped behind the back, and dropped into a reverse neckbreaker! 1, 2, no. Corner whip by Styles, but he runs into double boots. Corner whip by Tanahashi this time, who runs into a back elbow. AJ tries to hop to the middle rope but gets axehandled in the process. Masterlock re-applied by Tanahashi, but I'm not sure how many Yen AJ gets if he breaks it. Into a full-nelson slam! 1, 2, no! Tanahashi picks AJ up to deliver more forearms to the jaw. Off the ropes, AJ tries a stumbly roundhouse kick, which Tanahashi evades. Axehandle to the back, then a sleeper is briefly applied before Tanahashi lands an enzuigiri. Off the ropes, spinny reverse bulldog, 1, 2, no. Tenay: "For those of you who had not heard of Hiroshi Tanahashi before this Final Resolution match-up, yeah, you're getting an education!" And I owe it all to Matt Striker. Were it not for him, I'd be off smoking the pot with Starfire. Tanahashi drives AJ's head into the top turnbuckle before loading him up in the corner. Trying a super back suplex, but AJ punches him in the head. And Tanahashi answers with headbutts. Down they come, but AJ rolls it over into a crossbody, more or less.

Both men up. Jumping karate kick thrown by AJ, which Tanahashi mostly ducked. Waistlock applied, reversed a million times, and now Tanahashi has him in full-nelson position again. AJ breaks it back down to a waistlock when who should arrive but The Emperor Of Punk, bearing gifts of a steel chair and a low-rent plaque for this foreign dignitary. Ref ganks the chair, but the big plaque-shot NAILS Tanahashi when Styles ducks. Then AJ Peles ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BUT SOMEHOW IT DRILLS SHANNON!!! Wow, that was all really well-done. I thought he was totally fucked, but Shannon turned right into it and it didn't look fake at all. Tanahashi's dazed as he attempts a shot, but AJ ducks and kicks him. Loaded up... Honorable Ass Crasher! 1, 2, 3! Tenay: "Shannon Moore, The Prince Of Punk, tried to influence the outcome of this match-up!" Uh yeah, and he did. Sign: "THAT MATCH WAS PHENOMENAL". But what if the match turned out to be bad? WHAT THEN, FAN? Post-Match, AJ puts two and two together because he's one of them slow boys from down south. He apologizes to Tanahashi for winning in such a manner while Hiroshi inspects the plaque. I AM, I AM, SORRY, SORRY. HIT HIM, TANAHASHI! IT'S WHAT HIROHITO WOULD DO! AJ's all wary, but Tanahashi offers up the plaque with a bow. An Oriental bow, not a little ribbony bow. Accepted, arm raised, fans go crazy for the INDY RESPECTUUUUU, and Shannon Moore hops back in the ring all "YOINK!" Plaque pilfered, and away he goes! THE PRINCE OF THIEEEEEEVES. It's 5 AM and I imagine I'm not in my right frame of mind, but AJ losing the stupid thing again in such a manner is completely, completely hilarious. Hahaha. GOTTA PROTECT THAT PLAQUE, AJ! He's like "Newman!"

That Raven package again. It's just you and me, Code Red Mountain Dew. You have to see me through to 10:00 AM or whatever the fuck this is going to take. Hit me in my heart with caffeine.

Shane's hanging out in Raven's Candle Conservatory. He's been backed into a corner, and now he's dangerous like Dangerous Dan Lebatard. Raven: "Larry Zbyszko, you spindly-legged, dim-eyed halfwit. You look like a festering piece of dung shat out by a diseased yak." Hmm, yes. Wrestling is Raven's mistress. I thought she was Benoit's mistress? Dag, yo, that girl's like a doorknob. Wrestling is the one thing that keeps Raven from blowing his brains out, we learn. Appealing to the emo crowd! "Destiny! Destiny's at work, Shane. Mighty and unseen hands sculpt our mortal clay. Will she sculpt me one last title reign, or a ladder into oblivion?" Whoa, hold on, there, Raven, I think you're gonna have to explain the concept of a "ladder" to me. Don't quoth him on that.

"Inanimate Object" Larry Zbyszko is in the ring with some security fatties to bitch at Raven. "Let me announce the final nail in your coffin!" Crap, it's Vam-Pie-Ro. Way to telegraph it, Larry. I know you're familiar with that technology because you are two hundred years old. He might as well have just fingerpainted "HAY IT'S VAMPIRO YA FAGGETS" on his chest in day-glo bodypaint. And oh, how I wish I was right, because it's actually SUCK... THAT? THIS? LINE, PLZ. Fucking X-Pac. God damn it, Filmcans, this is all your fault. Rolled-up newspaper time. What the fuck does X-Pac have against Raven? The Ninja Tori connection? This makes no sense and I hate it. Don't you have some more homemade pornos to film, Waltman? Look up Chastity if you have to. I may blow my brains out before Raven does. Well, at least he's got a shopping cart full of junk, so maybe X-Pac will get hit with things. Or he can try to be all badass with a kendo stick and have it fly into the crowd again.

I guess X-Pac was coming up the ramp, so Raven apparently just rammed the cart into him, which is funny. In the ring to chase Larry, but he escapes when X-Pac delivers a shot with a trash can lid. Tenay: "And Zbyszko on his bicycle, running around the ring!" First of all, he wasn't on a bicycle, and secondly, you can't run on a bicycle. Somebody's going to have to explain the concept of a "bicycle" to you. X-Pac marks out for himself. Tossing Raven and grabbing a kendo stick! Come on, show us your sweet ninja moves, there, Napoleon. Whack. Whack. Whack. And whack. Whip, trash can shot ducked, but Raven's lid shot is not. And Raven flops outside. Larry barks at his dead body. Bleeding already. Trying to get Zbyszko, but security grabs him. And X-Pac comes jumping off of god knows where to wipe out the pile. X-Pac is a pile who needs to be wiped out. A pile of YOU-KNOW-WHAT. West thinks Raven is getting a "non-fair shake." Are you talking about like a non-fat latte or something? Because he IS very rich. X-Pac repeatedly rams the shopping cart into Raven like a crazy old cat lady. Or a contestant on Supermarket Sweep. Raven gets chased up the ramp. There's a lid up there, so whack for Waltman. Again. One more. Now Raven piles Sean into the cart. Eww, Raven, that's expired. Put it back. Certainly not kosher. Whee, shopping cart ride off the ramp. It tipped over a little early and possibly broke X-Pac's coccyx. Suck it. Raven staggers around and does the wingspan pose.

Building up a head of steam to ram the cart into X-Pac's head. Like Vader might do. At least I'm actively trying to be funny because this match is so slow and bad. GOOD FOR MY CAREER. Tables and chairs are found beneath the ring. X-Pac gets whipped into the corner, but Raven's rebound clothesline ends up hitting referee Buff Bagwell's Referee. Hey, maybe Buff will show up now, why not. All awful people are welcome. Waltman's roundhouse kick gets ducked, kick by Raven, Raven Effect, cover, but ain't nobody available to count. I DO see a Starbucks cup rolling around. X-Pac comes running with a trash can and gets it double-booted into his face, haha. What a fuck-up. Raven covers, Zbyszko's in for some reason, and he decides to count for some reason. 1, 2, shoulder up. Why the hell would he do that? I realize he's all afraid of getting beat up and everything, but shouldn't Raven be trying to beat him up right now, regardless? Maybe he needs to get his title back because IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES HIM FEEL ALIVE, MAAAAAAN. Whatever. Lousy angles. Ten-punch countalong in the corner, but X-Pac delivers a nutshot. Really bad X-Factor! How do you mess up the X-Factor, whoever messed that up? X-Pac covers, 1, 2, no. Why didn't you fast count, Larry? Lordy, lordy. X-Pac props a ladder up against the ropes. Tenay: "Waltman has something up his sleeve!" Naked pics of Chyna. Weight belt across Raven's back. Laying him out on the ladder now for another whippin'. WOW DAVE HEBNER HE'S THE ONLY THING THAT CAN MAKE A GREAT MATCH LIKE THIS BETTER. X-Pac tries the Bronco Buster like an IDIOT and crotches himself on the ladder like an IDIOT!!!!! Zbyszko sort of vaguely slow-counts until X-Pac can kick out. Don West: "Goodness gracious, I had two birthdays before he got that count in!" YOU ARE OLD.

Raven sets up a chair. I mean a table. My brain is gone. Opening up the ladder in the middle of the ring. Raven climbs, dragging X-Pac up the opposite site. Wanting a Raven Effect off the ladder through the table, I guess, but Zbyszko grabs at his feets. And X-Pac with a ball punch. X-Factor off the ladder and through the table. Zbyszko's slow to count as he clears out table detritus... 1, 2, foot on the rope, but Zbyszko counts 3 anyway. WOW WHAT A CHEATER. DO SOMETHING ABOUT HIS, DAVE HEBNER, YOU BIG SEXY HERO. So Raven's out of TNA unless a shenanigan happens. Replay of the finish. The Z-Man gloats. It was Do Or Die, and now Raven has to kill himself with honor. Raven sits around glumly as security surrounds him. Crowd chants for him. Oh, Cassidy Riley, don't you realize that no one cares about you? He's out to call bullshit. On the telephone. Raven tells him not to bother as he wanders off. Sleepy-eyed shrug.

OOOH, HOLD STILL, RON KILLINGS, YOU IDIOT. Shane brings up the Bobby Roode debacle. God, why? And K-Kwik sings a song about kicking dogs and cats. No, seriously. Konnan shows up to try and coerce Killings. Ronald doesn't know who to trust. Konnan promises to have his back in THE MATCH WITH BOBBY ROODE WHICH IS ON PPV WHY EXACTLY???

West and Tenay lament Raven. Yep, gonna kill himself now. UH-OH MIKE TENAY HEARS SOMETHING IN HIS LITTLE EAR.

Raven's walking out of the arena when Zbyszko catches him. "DON'T FERGET YER BAAAG! HAVE A NICE TRIP!" SEE YA NEXT FALL HAHA CLASSIC COMEDY RIGHT HERE FOLKS. SASSY LASSY shows up, huzzah. Zbyszko: "What are you doin' here?" Jackie: "What am I doin' here? Hey, Grandpa! Don't be uptight with me if you didn't take your Geritol today!" OOOH, GIRL, U A TRIP. Which one of the security guards is Chad? Jackie thinks she and Raven are in the same boat because of whatever conspiracy is going on. And that's it.

IT IS IMPOLITE TO HOLD THIS SHITTY MATCH ON PPV AND I AM SORRY v. We Gettin' Rowdy, Gonna Kick Some Cats

Replays of the horrors that were three K-Kwik/Roode matches in two seconds. Killings has the 3 Live Kru music back. Alright, then. Where you at, Dancin' White Boy, where you at? There he goes! Good for him. Somebody spray-painted "TRUTH" on K-Kwik's jeans. Can this match last five seconds like the others? Lockup, schoolboy, 1, 2, 3, so long, folks. Yeah, I wish. It was very inconsiderate of you to kick out right there, Bobby Roode. He starts poking K-Kwik in the chest because he committed an impolite act, but Killings shoves him. More shoves from everybody until K-Kwik gets another roll-up for two. Outside to stall. Greaaaat. Back in, drop toehold by K-Kwik. Front chancery, but Roode reverses with an armbar and a hammerlock. Killing's rumpus says "WHAT'S UP." What's up your ass? I don't know. Seems like a personal question to me. Headlocks and takeovers and headscissor counters. Honestly, why is this match so late on the card? K-Kwik flops over into a pin, but Roode bridges up and attempts a backslide. Won't work, so here's a side headlock. Whipped off, no, Roode swings out, whip, backdrop attempt, but K-Kwik makes it a sunset flip for two. Roode responds by folding him up into a pin, 1, 2, Killings flips him into a pin of his own, 1, 2, Roode sits on him, 1, 2, rolled back over, 1, 2, kickout, and that's the end of that chapter. Pelvic thrust by K-Kwik spurs Dancin' White Boy into action. Roode delivers a Fuck You Gesture to the crowd. Not only is that impolite, it's ripping off AMW. Roode's leaving. Please do. Damn it, D'Amore won't let him. "WE NEED THIS!" Why, exactly? Whoops, K-Kwik comes floppin' into view with a somersault plancha or whatever that was.

Jiggly jiggly dance before punching Roode on the outside. Eyeballing D'Amore, who freaks out. It allows Roode to heft K-Kwik into a spinebuster against the ringpost. D'Amore kicks at him as Bobby has words with the ref. Rolled in for Roode's cover of two. Punches and chops. Stomping away. Boot choke. Are we going somewhere with this? Now D'Amore gets in on the choking action. Killings fights back with slappypunches, but Roode's kneelift is as deadly as ever. He forward suplexes Killings across the ropes, causing him to flop to the mat. I'm going to sleep after this match. You've killed me dead, Final Resolution. Abdominal stretch applied. I don't think I've ever seen a hockey stick with a Canadian flag on it used to bridge the gap on a "Hold My Hand For Leverage" spot, so at least this is innovatively boring. Rudy Charles finally catches 'em, and Roode suddenly letting go of the stick D'Amore was tugging causes Scott to fall into the barricade and hit his fat head, which is funny. Bobby's like "I AM SORRY THAT WAS SO ROODE OF ME (FORGIVE ME, O INNOCENT ONE)," affording K-Kwik another schoolboy. 1, 2, no. And Roode strikes back with the Northern Lariat. I guess. I can't tell the difference between that and a clothesline. He looks at D'Amore and wanders around some more. Scoop slam by Roode, who goes up for the Who's The Greatest Kneedrop. Hit it. 1, 2, no. This match is SEVEN HUNDRED MINUTES LONG.

Reverse bearhug. Greaaaaaaaaat. K-Kwik elbows loose, but Roode clings to the pants and forearms his back. Head to the buckle. Corner whip, Bobby runs into a back elbow. And now both boots. K-Kwik skins the cat (WHICH HE PROBABLY KICKED) up to the top turnbuckle and comes off with a missile dropkick. Everyone's asleep. Especially me. D'Amore's alive, at least. K-Kwik blocks punches and cuts loose. Silly dancing, one more punch. And another. Whip reversed by Roode, who eats the twisty flying forearm. Cover, 1, 2, no. I am going to hit myself in the head with a hammer. Corner whip reversed, K-Kwik slings up but gets caught over the shoulder. Killings manages to drop behind and push Roode into the turnbuckles. Splitz under a clothesline, twisty leaping leg lariat. 1, 2, kickout as D'Amore's pawing at the ref. K-Kwik arranges Roode up top for a superplex or whatever. Bobby won't go. He launches Killings down, causing D'Amore to sing his national anthem. Flying crossbody by Roode, K-Kwik turns the pin over, 1, 2, no. KILL ME NOW. Punchfest '06 breaks out. Here's Konnan, FINALLY. Corner whip reversed, but Roode evades Ronaldo's charge. Now he barrels off the ropes, but K-Kwik splitz under the Northern Lariat. Kick to set up the Axe Kick, but Konnan's on the apron like "RON KILLINGS GIVE ME A HUG I LOVE YOU." Bobby hits the ropes, Northern Lariat, 1, 2, 3. Lord of mercy. D'Amore: "Yeah, Bobby, beautiful, Bobby!" I don't see Eaton anywhere. Back in the ring, Konnan tries to 'splain himself to K-Kwik. Unwanted hug. The crowd boos, but Konnan tells K-Kwik to pay them no mind. Killings won't go along with K-Dawg, so here's that other Dogg to worsen things up a bit. Please kick him. K-Kwik tries to prevent a fight, but Homicide scampers in and decks Jizzle. He and Konnan give him a good socking. Ron walks off, so Billy Gunn has to come out and chair Homicide. He got the chair. Because he committed so many Homicides, you see. I want to go to bed. Gunn, to Konnan, I think: "Bring your Mexican tortilla ass over here, too, I'll beat your ass, too!" Nonsensical racism is the best kind of racism.

6:30 in the AM, so that's what, seven hours straight? Goodbye forever. I shall awake in the morning with batteries recharged so that I can electrocute myself to death instead of having to watch Abyss/Rhino.

Alright, I'm back. Space Invaders do it 'til it hurts. AMW, Joe, and Jeff/Monty are going to have to save this PPV somehow, because right now, OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD. Final Resolution just sent out a distress call and the Space Invaders are racin' across the galaxy.

Shaney stands with The Nukes Of Hazard, who has his finger on the button. THE FAST-FORWARD BUTTON, AWWW DAWG. Mitchell thinks that Sting's arrival signifies that the war has begun. Rhino is too busy weepin' about his wife and the flowerpot incident to get anything done. "I've got a little newsflash for you. You're a mammal! You are SUPPOSED to reproduce!" Uhhhhh. "You're not going to win awards for fulfilling your genetic mandate!" Haha. Man Date. Losing to Abyss will be "the lead float in your ongoing parade of personal failure." Yes, Abyss is large and bloated like a Macy's balloon. Stop yelling, Abyss.

Package about the Abyss/Rhino feud.

OHHH-OHH! I DON'T WANT TO WAAAATCH THIS! v. Dropping F-Bombs On Your F-Moms

Run, Rhino, run! Don't be late for your Man Date! Abyss bails out, but Rhino goes right after him. Punchin' away. Tossed inside, where Abyss answers with hamhands, but Rhino fires back. Whip, head down too soon, and Rhino gets clubbered. He yells away the pain to punch some more. Whip reversed, hiptoss blocked, and Rhino nails a clothesline. Who is the man? Whip reversed again, but Abyss rushes into an elbow. Rhino hits the ropes, building up enough momentum to clothesline him to the floor. Pescado! Abyss' head is rammed into the barricade. Punching, but Abyss answers with a kneelift. Clubbering. Rhino's head meets the edge of the apron. Hamhand. Abyss goes under the ring for chairs. Whack across Rhino's back. Again. Driving the edge of it into his ribs. Rhino fights back with punches and chops before tossing Abyss inside. Snapmare by Rhino, off the ropes, dropkick to the back. Off the ropes again, legdrop of dooooomsday, 1, 2, no. Abyss reverses a hard corner whip that drops Rhino. Wedging a chair in the corner is Abyss. Clubber. Trying a whip into the chair, but Rhino is able to put on the brakes thanks to Detroit's superior automotive engineering. Abyss ducks his clothesline and kicks him. And now Rhino's LAUNCHED into the chair, ow.

Boot choke by Abyss. Strangled on the middle rope now. The referee admonishes Abyss and gets chased around. Overhand chop in the corner. Snapmare and a neck vise by Abyss. Rhino throws gutshots to escape, only to hit the ropes and run into a big boot. 1, 2, no. More neck vise. The crowd rallies behind Rhino as he fights free again. Taking Abyss up in a fireman's carry to hit the Diamond Cutter! Replay as everybody naps. Now they're up, and Rhino ducks a clothesline, bounces off the ropes, and connects with a leaping lariat. Back elbow. Little corner Gore! Got a chair... whack! Abyss be bumblin'. Another chairshot drops him. Crowd wants one more, so Rhino obliges. Hunkering down, but Mitchell hooks Rhino's ankle with his dopey little cane. Abyss fetches his chain while Rhino's distracted... steel chain to the head! Cover, 1, 2, no! A bewildered Abyss stretches his arms out like a dope. I think he needs a hug.

Mitchell's on the apron hitting his Doooooomsday Device. Whip by Abyss, no, Rhino swings out, Concrete Crunch! 1, 2, no! Rhino stacks some chairs and calls for the Rhinodriver '42 or whatever the number was. Climbing the turnbuckles to set it up, but Mitchell tries to hang on to Abyss' foot. Rhino lets go and stalks the Minister, getting hamhanded in the head. Abyss tries a whip, Rhino swings out, clothesline ducked, choke by Abyss! Rhino fights that off with a crotch kick. Then he hits the ropes and gets Black Hole Slammed on the chairs. 1, 2, 3. Abyss want da belt? What belt?

Shane's backstage with Bra Size: DDD. "You know, guys, my father was part of America's greatest generation, forged in the fires of the Great Depression and World War II!" Uh, okay. Now he says the Dudleyz were forged in the fires of various wrestling companies they got kicked out of. Buh Buh is going to tell us about "great." "The Andersons. The Briscoes. Dory and Terry Funk." Start dropping elbows on nothing now. Road Warriors, Midnight Express, Rock 'N Roll Express, Arn and Tully, blah blah. Now Devon yells for awhile. Testify.

Deadlies/AMW package.

Tenay's Tag Lines are ignorant.

WANTED: DEADLY OR ALIVE v. WE SHALL ADMINISTER YOUR LAST METEOR-RITES

Sign: "AMW WAS GREAT IN BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN." TNA fans getting a lot of mileage out of that joke. Dory Funk's here, I guess. Whoop-dee-shit. Storm wastes no time in inviting somebody to fuck themselves. And Harris gives West's water a smack. Borash does the ring announcing. Why's Gail hang around AMW more than Jarrett? One of those tag belts is upside-down, Rudy Charles. Probably Storm's. Team 3-D is trying to win the Grand Slam of North American tag titles, which does not exist.

Whatever chant that is pisses Storm off as Tenay tells us that West's microphone is broken. Maybe Harris did it. Good for him. Storm and Devon to start. Lockup yields no results as Devon shoves him away. Again, waistlock by Devon, reversed by Storm, reversed back by Devon, who manages a takedown. To a front chancery, but James spins out and applies a headlock. Whipped off, Storm wins the shoulderblock battle. Off the ropes, hopping over, Devon leapfrogs, Storm slides through the legs, kick, whip, hiptoss blocked, Devon's is not. Dropkick! Scoop slam by Devon, but James dodges his elbowdrop. Storm pops up to try one of his own, but Devon rolls clear of that. Staredown, Indy Respect. Storm's like "STOP CLAPPIN' I HATE THAT!" West is back. Aw, raspberries. Storm lures Devon into circling, turning his back for Harris' ambush. And James clubs away. Right hands to the jaw and a tag to Harris. Double whip, but Devon blows through them both with a double clothesline! Tag to Raye, who jabs away. Whip on Harris, big hiptoss. Scoop slam and a fat elbowdrop. Raye tells Chris to get up, then knocks him right back down. 1, 2, no. Harris hides out in the corner.

Lockup, waistlock by Raye, reversed by Harris. He forces Buh Buh into the ropes, but Raye holds on. Harris throws a left, which Deadly no-sells. "C'MON, BITCH!" Off the ropes, nothing ducked, but Harris flattens Raye with a leaping lariat. Cover, 1, 2, no. "PUSSYCAT." Lockup, Raye pushes Harris into the corner. The ref wants a clean break, but Harris turns things around. Knife-edge chop by Harris, but you don't want to go there with Brother Raye, girlfriend. He turns the tables lol and delivers an overhand chop. Corner whip reversed, but Harris runs into a back elbow. Buh Buh to the middle rope... big fat fatty senton bomb misses, because it always misses! Tag to Storm, who cuts Dudley down with a clothesline. Grinding his knee into the throat, then choking with his wrist tape. Back to Harris, double whip, double Papa Shango, and Storm gets kicked. Harris rushes and gets dumped to the floor. Buh Buh knocks Storm back down before bringing Devon in for right hands. Whip reversed, spinny back elbow! Clothesline ducked, reverse neckbreaker! 1, 2, no. Storm swings out of a whip, but his clothesline is ducked... spinebuster by Devon! 1, 2, no. Whip reversed, Devon clings to the ropes and waves hello to Brother Raye, who's up from behind to bodyslam Storm. Devon attempts to find out What Is Up with his drinking problem by climbing the turnbuckles and headbutting him in the crotch. Tough love. Spinnin' around! Last Rites! DEVON! GET THE REPLAY RIGHT NOW. Fucking IDIOTS.

So they're gonna get the tables. Brother Raye helps, because Devon ain't no spring chicken. Storm tries to baseball slide the table into their faces, but they lift it up to send him scootin' outside. And then they just rear back and whack him with it, haha. I don't think TNA matches have any rules at all. Here comes Harris to HIT the baseball slide, smashing the table into the heads of the Deadlies! Storm sets it up on the floor. Trying to powerbomb Devon through it, I'd imagine, but Brother Raye clubs the back. Devon's rolled in, where Harris chokes him with wrist tape. Whip, tape clothesline! Heh. Tag to James, who drops a knee on the chest. Rear facelock as the crowd chants for Devon. He makes it to his feet and busts loose. Off the ropes, clothesline ducked, but Storm buries a knee in the gut. Back to Harris, double corner whip, Storm shoots Harris in, but he Angleizes his shoulder on the ringpost when Devon escapes. Dudley knocks Storm down with a clothesline, I think, and now he needs the hot tag. Crowd commences clappin'. In comes Brother Raye! Jabbing away on Harris. Whip, hiptoss. Backdrop for Storm. Double clothesline takes out both men. Sidewalk slam on Harris, 1, 2, no. A reversed whip allows Storm to throw a cheap shot from the apron. He restrains Brother Raye, but Harris' errant punch ends up clocking James. Kick by Buh Buh, DDT! 1, 2, Storm's back to save! Here's Devon to scrap with him, but AMW has the advantage. Harris suplexes Devon before Storm swings out of Raye's whip and elevates him for a Hart Attack clothesline. 1, 2, no.

Devon's back in the picture with a double clothesline, which AMW duck. Double kick, double suplex by the heels. Storm cleanses his hands of space dust. Prepping Raye for the Death Sentence, but Devon shoves Harris off the top rope! Storm rushes him and gets pulled to the apron. Devon blocks a punch and clobbers him. Now it's Devon who climbs, but Harris heads him up. Going up after him, but Raye takes care of that. Got Harris on the shoulders... DEADLY DEVICE!!! 1, 2, NO! Storm's back to attack Devon, so let's watch a replay. Whoever cues up these replays needs to be fired, then killed.

Devon got clotheslined by Storm, I'd wager, then Buh Buh tosses him to the floor. Raye turns around into Harris' crappy big boot. Falling into a cover, 1, 2, no. Storm's bringing a chair to the ring. Topato's like "Gimme the chair already," but Sheriff Pony's like "Whoa, hold on, hangover." So Harris reaches outside and clutches at Storm's hair like an idiot, getting whacked when he's mistaken for a Deadly! By that drunk, drunk man. Harris staggers into the doubleteam reverse neckbreaker! 1, 2, NO! Storm's back to duck Devon's clothesline and nail the SHERIFF PONYKICK! Corner whip by Raye, but his big fat charge is repelled by James' boot. Storm scales the turnbuckles, but he's slow because he's a drunk. So Raye shoves him to the floor, where he crashes through that table from before! Harris waits on Raye... clothesline ducked, schoolboy by Dudley, 1, 2, NO! And Harris clotheslines him down. He summons Gail Kim so that he might borrow some of that talcum powder she uses on her ass. Harris cups it in his hands like a stupid idiot as Gail helps him portion it out, so Buh Buh walks up and smacks it into his face. Morons. Ref got a faceful, as well. DEADLY DEATH DROP on Topater! Blind ref counts, 1, 2, 3. Well, that was pretty dumb. The Space Invaders no likey, as Team Canada hits the ring with hockey sticks in hand. Whackin' away on Team 3-D. Northern Lariat for Buh Buh. Uh, A-1 pulls Harris' corpse on top of Raye's? And after a quick trip to Lens Crafters, referee Rudy Charles returns from the World Of Eyes and decides, hey, surely I must have counted the pin for this man right here! Hahaha, that is the worst finish ever, but it's funny, so I'm cool. West: "HE THINKS THAT AMW WON!!!" And Team Canada helps cart Dead AMW off with belts intact.

Shane's backstage with Check Out Our Personal Profiles On MySpaceInvader.com! Monty makes his pecs wiggle. Shane: "...the man they named Sting." Jarrett thinks TNA Management has bitten off more than they can chew with their two delicious flavors of the month. "A simple law of physics will tell you, two people cain't play, cain't occupy the same place at the same time." He thinks Sting and Christian won't get along because they both want da belt. The business has passed Sting by. "It's faster, it's quicker, they've got much superior ath-a-letes!" Christian is "a midcard comedy act." "Christian Cage turned on his own brother in his own hometown!" Wow, Christian Cage has a brother? The WWE has kept me in the dark on this for the past five fucking years. He stabbed Chris Jericho in the back, as well. "TNA is always, and always will be, Planet Jarrett."

Time for Monty to be insane. "STIIIIING! TICK-TOCK! TICK-TOCK! TICK-TOCK!" THE ANTELOPE RAN UP THE CLOCK, PERIOD! "DOOT-DOOT-DOOT-DOOT-DOO! TIME'S UP!" Hahaha. "WELCOME... to The Serengeti! You can't trust Christian Cage! He's just mad 'cause he was the flavor of the minute! You're the flavor of the month! But you're lookin' at the flavor of the millennium! We know who we are, Shane Douglas! I AM The Alpha Male, Monty Brown! This IS the King Of The Mountain, Jeff Jarrett! So be vewy vewy careful, 'cause tonight, SOMEBODY..." Shane: "*oohoohoo, he's gonna say it*" Monty: "...WILL FEEL..." Shane: "*check it out, Jeff, he's gonna say it*" Monty: "THE POOOOOOOUUUUUUUNC-UH! PERIOD!"

Package of the feud between Joe and Daniels.

Tenay gives us his bullet points. You'll get a bullet point in the back of your neck, in the back of your neck, right between the eyes.

Gimme Some Of That Good Gospel. I've Had Gospel Before. v. Hello, Home Depot? I'm Painting My Rumpus Room And I Need To Sample Some Blood Swatches

It's the Koji Clutch versus the Kokina Clutch in the battle of moves that I am probably hearing and spelling incorrectly. Nice screen test on the Tits 'N Asstron there, retards. Daniels has the pinstriped longcoat and nose-pinchy spectacles. West, on Daniels: "He's gonna have to use every brain in his head to beat the power of Samoa Joe." Damn, how many's he got? Joe with some red in his hair. Tellyphone. Borash with the ring announcing. "He comes to us from The Isle Of Samoa by way of Huntington Beach, California!" If you say so. Joe turns his telephone into a fingergun and shoots it at Daniels. Transformers: More Than Meets The Eye. Tenay blathers about the clean towel. Joe can have a matching set after this match! His and Hers blood towels for when he meets that special baby-makin' lady.

Daniels dances around a little bit as Joe stalks him. Now he's trapped near the ropes, but he ducks Joe's swat and escapes. Still dodging as Joe comes at him. "FALLEN ANGEL/LET'S GO JOE." Christopher blocks a leg kick. Again. Joe tries a big roundhouse kick, but Daniels ducks and starts jabbing. Float like a butterfly, Sting like a Bee Jesus. Off the ropes, forearm smash to Joe's jaw. Continuing in that fashion, but Joe buries a kneelift in the ribs. Kneeing him into the corner, but Joe's headbutt hits the buckle when Daniels evades. Daniels fires off more forearms. Whip, forearm to the throat. Charging knee in the corner, then another forearm. Whip, head down too soon, but Daniels blocks Joe's knee to the face. He throws some punches to the gut. Whip, armdrag by Daniels. Back elbow ducked, off the ropes, tilt-a-whirl headscissors! Off the ropes again, Joe chucks him up, and Daniels comes down with a 'rana! Joe's down. Daniels whips him again, but the leg lariat is prevented when Joe clings to the ropes. Kicking the Bee Jesus out of Daniels' bony little chest. Knife-edge chops in the corner, but half of Joe's shots are dodged or blocked. Bringing him out for one more big chop, but Daniels ducks and gets a rolling leglace takedown into a pin. 1, 2, no. Clothesline ducked, schoolboy by Daniels, 1, 2, no. Joe hooks the arm that was between his legs and traps Daniels in a reclining surfboard. A La-Z-Board. Daniels manages to reach the ropes and force the break.

Daniels strikes back with back elbows to the midsection. Chops now, then forearms to the face. Whip reversed, Daniels attempts a moonsault bodyblock off the second rope, but Joe's like "Ehhhh I'm gonna walk over here now." Haha, love it. Jesus, Daniels gets kicked in the face as he's rising up like he do and goes flying. Boots to the face as Daniels covers up in the corner. Joe pulls him out for the snapmare, spine chop, chest kick, and crushing kneedrop. Daniels was trying to protect his beautiful face, so Joe dropped it on the chest. Still partially blocked, though. 1, 2, no. Joe takes his time as the crowd begins to clap. Kicking Daniels in the back. Shoved into the corner for a knife-edge chop. Corner whip, but Joe runs into a back elbow. Off the ropes goes Daniels, but his clothesline fails to bring Joe down. Standing dropkick! Joe staggers into the ropes. Daniels hits the opposite side and gets squashed by the deep powerslam! 1, 2, no! Wow, the timing on this replay is actually acceptable. OH HO SOMEBODY GOT "SMARTENED UP." I guess there are a lot of good spots to show replays during a Joe match because he loiters around a lot. Daniels ends up in the corner for another chop. Turnbuckle whip, here comes Joe, but Daniels puts a boot up. He pulls Joe straight down into an jawbreaker-style Arch Deluxe with knees in the chest! The pearly arches of HEAVEN. Both men down as the crowd chants for various people. Daniels is up, off the ropes, running knee strike to the chest. Legsweep STO! Boing into a split-legged moonsault, 1, 2, no!

Joe's loaded up in the corner, where he blocks a punch with his foot and breaks Daniels' hand. Joe tries to apply the rear naked choke as he's sitting on the top turnbuckle! Daniels gets his arms up to block, then elbows Joe in the ribs. He pulls Joe down into a fireman's carry... DEATH VALLEY DRIVER! 1, 2, NO! Joe's twitchy. Daniels picks him up to throw right hands. Off the ropes, chucked up for a hurricanrana again, but this time Joe powerbombs him down and folds him into a pin, 1, 2, no. Daniels gets pissed and takes Joe out with a double leg. Mounting him for forearms aplenty, but Joe catches Daniels in a triangle choke! Joe's shoulders go down for a count of two as they struggle. Daniels squirms free and flips Joe backwards. Trying to soccer kick him in the face, but it whiffs. Joe picks an ankle from behind and ties Daniels up with an STF! Grinding his knuckle into Christopher's big bald head. The Knuckle Buster. Tenay: "...right into the temple of Daniels' head!" His head is his temple. Daniel crawls for the bottom rope and snags it. Joe sets Christopher up on the top rope, but Daniels attempts to punch him off. He slips beneath Joe and tries to powerbomb him down, but Joe turns it into a hurricanrana in mid-air! And Mike Tenay screams bloody murder. Joe off the ropes, Devastatin' Clothesline!!! 1, 2, NO!

"THIS IS AWESOME." Joe hits the ropes again, but Daniels catches his swing... God Bottom! Christopher Daniels is having the Best Moonsault Ever! Boi-oi-oing, and he hits it clean! 1, 2, NO! Joe rolls outside for a breather, but Daniels heads for the apron. Trying an Asai Moonsault, maybe, but Joe grabs his foot and yanks him down. Unfazed, Daniels throws more forearms to the face. Back to the apron, where Christopher has to do a jumprope skip over Joe's sweeping kick. STIFF kick to Joe's head! Fuck. And he crumbles. Joe's laid out on the floor, and Daniels waits in the ring... slingshot elbowdrop to the outside! RIGHT IN HIS BLACK, BABY-EATIN' HEART. But Daniels landed on his hip and hurt his rumpus. Dueling chants as they try to recover. Daniels seems hobbled as he rolls Joe in. And Joe boots him in the jaw as he's poking his turtle head through the ropes. Joe charges off the opposite ropes and knocks Daniels to the floor with the Facewash boot. Uh-oh, Joe goes outside for a chair. Sitting Daniels down near the guardrail... Facewashing his head into the steel! The announcers worry about Daniels' concussions as Joe acts like a dick. Point of the elbow into Daniels' skull. He's bloody. Joe licks it off his hand. Jesus. "JOE IS GONNA KILL YOU." Daniels is tossed back in, where Joe boots him in the face. Tenay starts yelling about how he witnessed Goldberg kick Bret Hart in the head. Joe's still poking at Daniels and playing with him when Hay Be Nice To Christopher Daniels Ya Fagget wanders out. West: "Oh, I think he's gonna try to be some kind of a... an uplifting... spirit right here!" I hope Joe uplifts him into the Muscle Buster.

Joe jabs Daniels to death in the corner. Big right hook ducked, and Daniels smacks him in the mouth. Again! Firing off forearms to the jaw! Joe tries to stop his flurry with an enzuigiri, but Daniels ducks. Kick, hooking up the Angel's Wings, but he can't get Joe up. Daniels topples, then regains his footing in time for Joe to hit the ropes and kick him in the top of the head. Joe frames it up as Daniels reels in the corner... high knee strike to the face! Daniels is getting loaded up as AJ attempts to cheer him on... MUSCLE BUSTER! Starting in on the Kokina Clutch, but Daniels fights before the legs can be locked... wiggling, wiggling, foot on the bottom rope! Joe ain't happy. AJ: "How bad are you now?" I think he's still pretty bad, AJ Styles. Joe goes out to L@@K at Styles as he grabs a chair and pitches it into the ring all nonchalantly. Arranging the chair on the mat before Daniels gets taken up again... looking at AJ for a good, long while... MUSCLE BUSTER ON THE CHAIR! Crowd says "ONE MORE TIME" because they're such firm believers in the X-Division Code that they want Christopher Daniels to be killed in the ring. Joe continues being a douche in AJ's direction as he picks Daniels up and kicks him in the face. AJ: "HAY!" Another hard kick to the face. Soccer kick. Driving knees into the head, and Daniels is too dead to protect himself. West and Tenay are frothing at the mouth. "THIS IS ABOUT A MAN'S LIFE! THIS IS ABOUT A MAN'S LIFE THAT HAS TWO YOUNG CHILDREN AT HOME!" Well, maybe this wouldn't have happened had he just handed them off to Joe. Repeated knees to the head until AJ goes to the apron and throws the blood towel into the ring. And referee Buff Bagwell's Referee calls the match. Who gave you power of attorney, AJ Styles? He shoves Joe away and attends to Daniels. And Joe storms off with blood all over himself.

Look how mad Tenay is. "Thank God for AJ!" Jerry Lynn and various people check on Daniels.

Video package about the main event.

Shane's backstage with Christian again. OOOOH. OOOOOOOH. Christian has a question. "Does this look like the face of a man that you can't trust? Well you know what, if you can't trust me, jump on the phone and ask my brother." I don't know who that is, Christian! "Jump on the phone and ask Chris Jericho if you can trust me!" I don't want to talk to him, Christian! "Actually, on second thought, that's probably not such a good idea. I got a better idea, why don't you ask each and every member of the Christian Coalition sittin' in the Impact Zone tonight if this is the face of a man you can trust? Trust this, Sting, trust this. I am excited that you're in TNA. I'm happy, I'm excited that you're my tag team partner. And it looks like we feel the same way. We both can't stand Monty Brown, and we both, along with every single person in this arena tonight, can't stand, more than anything else, Jeff Jarrett! Well, trust this. Jeff Jarrett, no matter which Stinger shows up tonight, no matter what happens tonight, somewhere down the line, this midcard comedy act is gonna save the fans of TNA and win the NWA World Heavyweight Championship from you! And before I go, I only got one thing left to say. Because THAT'S... HOW WE ROLL."

Thank God The Space Invaders Machine Survived The Arcade Fire v. Rebellion (Lies)

Now here's the sun, it's alright. Here's the moon, it's alright. The Space Invaders see shit like that every day, they aren't impressed. Maybe Filmcans knows what I'm talking about, and he's like 33% of my readership, so hey, not bad! NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS. We're goin' on a little ship. Call it THE READERSHIP! Captained by Monty Brown, who is an educated blackie from Africa who likes to rub his face on the ring ropes. REEEUUR REEEUUR here's Jeff. And Gail. She doesn't seem thrilled, but she's willing to pose. West says Double J plays mind games. With his telepathic space powers. Christian's got the black and white ensemble with big C cut-out. I would totally LEROY JENKINS him right now if I were the Space Invaders, because Sting is probably going to ride an endangered condor down from the rafters and it'll take like twenty minutes. Out go the lights. Lightning on the Tits 'N Asstron. Burning Scorpion logo. Stupid Nu-Metal music. And there's Crow Sting playing around with his bat. Scott Hall point at Christian. Oww. Stubbed his toe. Tenay: "But the goosebumps, Don, I can feel 'em right through the tuxedo!" You fucking perverts.

"WELCOME BACK" chant for Sting. He takes a curtain call before throwing his coat at Jeff Jarrett. Well, that was roode. Kick it, Gail. Enh, enh, kick it. She doesn't. Christian's going to start with Big Montana. West: "They're not yelling 'Let's Go Monty' and 'Let's Go Jeff'!" I would be. Indeed, Christian is the person they want to go. Somewhere. Lockup, waistlock by Brown, to a side headlock, whipped off, and you ain't gonna win that shoulderblock, Christian. Monty puts the badmouth on him before hitting the ropes again, hopping over, Christian leapfrogs, and Monty turns right around into a double leg takedown. Jackknife pin by Christian, cover gets only one. Monty fires off a kneelift and a clubber. Head to the buckle, and in comes Jarrett. Gutshots from both heels before Jeff's punch knocks Christian down. Whip, clothesline ducked, backswing ducked, Christian pulls up short and goes a-strut-strut-strut. Jarrett gets upset and rushes into a drop toehold. Wringing the arm and tugging it is Christian. Does the crowd want Sting? Yes, but Jarrett tries to pussy out. Tag to Sting, and Jarrett finally gets loose and skitters away. "STING STING STING." Oww. Jarrett: "*voice cracks as he tries a Sting yell*" Haha. BOOOOOOO. Lockup, side headlock by Sting. Whipped off, Jarrett falls to the shoulderblock. Off the ropes, Sting hops over, Jarrett leapfrogs, hiptoss blocked, Sting's is not. Standing dropkick by Sting! He looks a'ight. Jarrett flops outside and discusses things with Gail and Monty. Crowd: "YOU'VE STILL GOT IT *clap, clap, clap-clap-clap*"

Jarrett's back in to feign another lockup, but he drives a knee into Sting's ribs. Punching away. Head to the buckle, and Sting's woozy. Trying once more, but Sting blocks and throws gutshots. Whip, doubled over with a kick, after which Sting hits the opposite ropes for a hairpull bulldog. Here comes Monty, but Sting ducks his clothesline and clocks him. Whip, kick, bulldog for Monty as well. Christian blind-tagged himself in for a corner crossbody on Jarrett. Sting yell! Corner crossbody on Monty, as well, then into the ten-punch countalong on Jeff. Gail tells him to quit that shit, distracting the ref and allowing Jarrett to sneak in a crotch uppercut. He shoves Christian out to the floor. Cage crawls around into Gail's swinging hurricanrana off the apron! Now Monty hotshots him on the barricade. Right hand, then rolled back in. Whip by Jeff, and a standing dropkick wipes Christian out. Jarrett: "OH! Who's still got it now?" A-strut-strut-strut! Tag to Brown, who gets met with shots to the ribs. Whip, no, Monty swings out and scoops Christian into a ribbreaker on the knee. Following up by bending him into a Three Point-Oh-esque backbreaker on the knee, then immediately launching him with an exploder suplex! Damn, Monty's doing moves and everything. He favors us with a Sting yell. Sting gets pissed, but the ref keeps him at bay. Cover, 1, 2, no. Another try, leg hooked, still two. Third try, same result. "ALPHA FEMALE" chant as Jeff comes in for some beatdowns. Vertical suplex on Christian. Double J arranges him on the middle rope and hits the sliding Bossman punch. Back in, off the ropes again, but Jarrett's big dopey charge crotches him on the middle rope. Christian needs a tag, but it's probably not going to happen since Monty just flattened him with a clothesline from the apron. Jarrett grounds Christian in a front chancery, but he fights toward his corner. Tag was made, but Monty caused the ref to miss it. GET OUTTA HERE, STING, YOU RULEBREAKER. The Invaders double suplex Christian up and hang him out to dry on the ring ropes. Monty covers, 1, 2, no. Monty covers again, 1, 2, no.

Christian's throttled on the top rope. Eww, spittle drool. Head to the buckle, hard chop by Monty. Snap suplex, floatover into a pin, 1, 2, no. More punches from Monty. Corner whip, Christian slings up, but Monty dumps him to the apron. Brown throws rights and rams Christian's head into the buckle. They jockey for position up top, with Monty hooking up a superplex... nope, Christian bites him! HE BITE YOU! Captain Cannibalism. Monty takes a tumble, allowing Christian to hit the Dumb Little Frog Splash! "EDDIE" chant. Christian manages to drape an arm over Brown but gets only two. Crawling for Sting, but Monty's got him by the foot. Getting dangerously close, so Jarrett moseys on over there and hauls Sting off the apron. Sting pursues, so Jeff uses Gail Kim as his shield generator, hahaha. Back in the ring, Christian finally kicks Monty away and dives for the tag. I guess he's been so thoroughly worked-over that he's seeing Stings everywhere, because ain't nobody there. Sting tries to make it back in time, but Monty chucks Christian out of the corner. Jarrett's sneaking around with chairs. OH SHIT, THE SPACE INVADERS ARE GOING TO TRY A CONCHAIRTO! 2006: A Space Odyssey. CLANG, Christian ducks, and Jeff and Monty done hurt their little hands. Christian DDTs Jarrett as he Downward Spirals Monty! I bet Christian's brother, if he had one, would have used that move, but he doesn't have one because he is an only child!

Everyone has been killed except Gail and Sting. The crowd rallies behind Christian as he crawls... hot tag! Sting goes apetits with Sting offense. Clothesline for Jarrett, clothesline for Brown. Stinger Splash on Jeff! Trying one on Monty, but he ain't gonna go out like that. Sting ducks Brown's clothesline, which takes the ref out! Monty's pitched to the floor before Jarrett takes an inverted atomic drop. Double leg takedown, Scorpion Deathlock! Jarrett worms his way to the ropes and makes it. No ref, however, as Sting pulls him back to the center of the ring. Jeff taps out! And yet, nobody cares. Monty comes in to help, but Christian intercepts. Jabbing away until Monty throws a kneelift. He hefts Christian and flings him into Sting with the Last Call Of The Wild! And now Sting takes issue with Christian. What a dummy. They have words as Monty sneaks in with the NWA Title... Christian pulls Sting clear of the beltshot! Kicking Monty and jabbing him until he plops outside, but Sting wields the belt and is still very dumb. He and Christian back into one another, and Christian cowers when Sting rears back with the title. It was inadvertent, however. Jarrett's scaling that mountain he owns, but Sting spins around and crotches him. The faces grab Monty and send his head into Jarret's groin. Back over the top goes Mr. Brown.

The Invaders are in a bad way, so the rest of the fleet arrives in the form of D'Amore's Redshirts. Sting dukes it out with Roode, while Christian draws Eric Young. In the nude. Canadians take over with eye rakes until Christian and Sting dispatch them with stereo Scorpion Death Drops! Christian's headed up top... flying plancha onto Monty on the floor! Desperate times call for desperate Gail Kim top rope maneuvers that never work, but Sting catches her up there. Jarrett's behind him with the belt... WHACK! Referee's coming to as Jarrett covers... 1, 2, shoulder up! Monty and Christian have returned, and the Invaders are in charge. Punches in bunches. Sting begins to no-sell. Crazy yell, and now the faces have taken control. Stereo Stinger Splashes both come up empty, haha, idiots. Gail slips Jeff his gee-tar as Monty restrains Christian. God, everyone in this match is so, so stupid. Rather than allow Monty to eat a faceful of accidental instrument, Sting takes his bat and smashes up the particle board guitar on the backswing! One more swing and it absolutely explodes everywhere, haha, that was awesome. Jarrett is AGHAST! Christian dumps Monty to the floor before Jeff takes the bat to the ribs. Scorpion Death Drop! Heh, Christian casually kicks the bat away. 1, 2, 3. Sting and Christian make with the huggin'. The vanquished Space Invaders huddle on the ramp. Christian points Sting's bat at him and passes it off before taking his leave so Sting can loiter in the ring and get cheered. That's it.

Final Thoughts: Eh. The middle portion, minus the Styles/Tanahashi match, was absolute creeping death, and The A.V. Club suffered from a bit of a sophomore slump since that match wasn't as good as their breakout effort in which Roderick Strong kicked AJ Styles' head onto the roof and had to ask the janitor to get it down. But there were three good matches and two fun ones, and Shannon Moore totally ruining a monumentous moment of International Indy Respect just by grabbing the plaque back and beating feet remains pretty hilarious, so it was okay. If nothing else, I "got an education." When I fill out my next job application, I'm going to write "WATCHED TNA FINAL RESOLUTION."