Jesus Christ, my fabulous roast beef game was so rattled by the prospect of Carla in an unlockable alternate outfit that I got crossed up and referred to her by the name of another manager. Is my imaginary marriage already on the rocks? Pass me an imaginary whiskey. At least Danny did the exact same thing. Bashams don't know they ass from a hole in the ground.

Trivial Pursuit One-A-Day Calendar: "What study traces the origins of words?" God, even I know that.

Sad that this show, which by all rights I should have stopped paying attention to a long time ago, is finishing up stronger than both Heat and Velocity. Experience opening. Todd's in the filthy streets of Times Square. Which is second in excitement only to Oklahoma City. Pause for reflection. "Well, for one night only!" Back to sucking, Oklahoma City! Hahahaha, that garbage can is emblazoned with an advertisement for "Best BBQ In Town - Spanky's." HEY YOU! EAT PIG! That trash can is his home away from home. Let's all dive into a barrel of beer. "Being the BBQ connoisseur that I am, I'm going to Spanky's!!! Virgil's is BLEEP! Sorry Virgil's!!!" - Dave Grohl, Foo Fighters. Everybody's got a price. "Spanky's package allows you to lay back and do nothing." Is it funnier because it implies that you can be a quitter or because it contains the phrase "Spanky's package"?

Oh, Todd, right. The Eye sees Divas crap from RAW. Wow, Candice and Victoria are Torrie's "running buddies." Let's attack before Coach says something really sexist after the match. What a devastating finisher you have, X-Pac. One that is being utilized by Kidman's Wife.

Todd's trying to grow a little teenage moustache or something. To be more like Carlito.

RAW Action. Bischoff talking about the powers vested in him makes me pine for Chuck and Billy's wedding. Vince says things. Now Edge is bitching about how he's beaten Matt Hardy in every conceivable match known to man. Including a Dogs With Bees In Their Mouths And When They Bark They Shoot Bees At You match. I hate how Edge is always wearing that Headbangers' Ball shirt. Frankly, I don't give a damn about Mosh and Thrasher's social events. Has anyone even been hit on the ass with the door on their way out? I can't imagine it being all that painful.

Sign: "DON'T BLINK! YOU MIGHT MISS A BENOIT MATCH" Crazy Announcer: "The sign doesn't lie, folks!!!"

Commercials. So when can I blink again? Never?

The Juicy Drop Pop Slam of the Week is Chris Masters going "Bloop Bloop!" as he dribbles juice on his pop. No, it's actually Rey Mysterio upsetting JBL. HE UPSET ME, ORLAND-O! NOW I'M ALL UPSET!

Close up on a Smackdown poster, then quick cut to Todd. Why don't we use the star wipe while we're at it? Jillian told JBL to go back to his roots. His Roots. Slave ownership, people, read between the lines. The Eye sees JBL's horse, who I have named Orland-o. Todd: "Out comes JBL on a horse! There's a joke there, but I won't say it." Does it involve a word that Batista likes to say? If they change the moo in JBL's entrance music to a whinny, I will be 100% behind this. Now it's Ken Kennedy and his magical ceiling microphone. Really packin' on the pounds, Fat Stuff. If the Simon System works, why is he gaining pounds? Nonsensical. I guess maybe he meant it was a pound of muscle or hair or something. Your hip Steve Romero reference went over my head, Cole. Here's the match with Mysterio. Tazz: "Quickness, quickness!" That may have been the dumbest 619 set-up ever. Here comes Hay-B-L. He is for horses. Lambeau Leap. I guess the Cowboys and Packers are good pals. Play Kennedy's insane music.

Commercials. That Earthlink leprechaun looks really evil. Are they rehabilitating him or something?

Todd just had to say "Viggo Mortensen." On to Snickers. Todd: "Friday Night Smackdown's Sylvain would be much more satisfying if he would just beat it!" Do you actually hear the things that come out of your mouth?

Smackdown Letdown. I guess nobody was willing to beat it. Sylvain gives the Divas a hard time. In a strictly homosexual way. His modeling photos are awesome. Is he standing on a diving board? Vogue, wink, wow, this really encapsulates everything I tolerate about Sylvain. IF YOU BLACK HIS EYES, HOW WILL HE WINK, HARDCORE HOLLY? God, think. Simon got Segway-jacked by an African-American. I dislike Bobby Lashley already. Booker and Christian did stuff.

The camera starts out like a million miles away from Todd and zooms in from a low perspective. I guess the cameraman wants to pull out all his zany tricks since there's no tomorrow. Todd: "Orlando's had kind of a tapping problem." Hit him with a rolled-up newspaper, JBL.

Benoit versus Jordan. There's no "L" in "cock," Tazz. Orlando marks out for himself and loses in 49.8.

Todd, with Starbucks: "HEY, Orlando, you lasted longer than thirty seconds, I had time to get a coffee! Thank you, that's good! *thumbs-up*" It's a good thing Experience is going off the air, because one of those wrestlers was going to knock Todd the fuck out someday. "I guess it's Orlando's destiny to never beat Chris Benoit." Put that on his Hall Of Fame plaque.

Orton/Undertaker shit. Beyond Belief: Fact Or Fiction. I'm going to feed my Nintendogs, excuse me. Man, I have to wash Jazz, too. Filthy. "Someone looks beautiful!" Is it me? Is it Steven Richards in a wig?

Crazy Announcer: "Carlito may like apples, but after losing his Intercontinental Championship to Ric Flair, the only flavor he's tasting is sour grapes!" I imagine Ric Flair tastes like Old Man Smell.

Commercials. No.

The Snickers Rewing is Cade and Murdoch winning the tag titles. That chop block/lariat is neat.

There goes a mounted policeman. Looking for illegal Mexicans. Pigeons. Wouldn't be the last Experience without pigeons. Todd: "Say whatever you want." Perhaps I will say "ooga booga," then.

Flair versus Garlito. I don't know who that is, but I imagine he will knock you all down with apple spit. He bites into raw cloves of garlic, it's pretty gross. What happened with the first attempt at the Figure Four? Did Ric just forget to do his saucy dance? OH MY GOD THAT EYE IS VERY SLIGHTLY SWOLLEN LET'S TALK ABOUT IT LIKE IT WAS ANTONIO'S MAGGOT-FILLED WELT. Cut to Flair discussing Carlitos with Maria. Is he Greek or something? You like-a the apple juice, eh? Wow, they're putting the IC Title on Masters like... tomorrow.

Crazy Announcer: "...but after a visit from The Animal's doctor, I think Eddie's gonna be feeling A-OK!" Veterinarians should not practice on humans. Not even Mexicans. Oh snap/crackle/pop.

Commercials. Snuh.

What's up with the stupid No Mercy logo? Boomerangs?

Todd sets up footage of Batista vs. MNM. Dave doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who'd get all pissy about Eddie Guerrero stealing the glory, but I guess the face constantly acting like a jovial, sarcastic douche only HBKs everything up. Look how confused Brian Hebner is. He's damn confused. Even a member of the Mexicools does not understand Eddie Guerrero's intent. Todd: "...best friends forever? Know whut I mean, BFF?" And then: "shenanigans".

Commercials. SORRY, VIRGIL'S!!!

Jesus Christ, now Todd's crouched down at a titled low-angle like he's going to "rap" with us about the dangers of inhalants. "You're probably wondering why I'm squatting right now." Yes. "Well, because we thought this was a cool shot. We're making ART, people, okay? 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin's prolly gonna be makin' trouble! Next week, on RAW!" Nobody segues like you, Todd. Not even Simon Dean.

Austin on the stupid-ass Bernie Mac show. I shouldn't have said that this was more of an Experience thing.

The theme of Unforgiven was terrible so let's stop talking about it. The Eye sees Matt's legdrop off the cage. To RAW for the eight-man tag. Man, Todd just said "ne'er-do-wells." Is Kurt's mouthpiece a mood mouthpiece? It turns magenta when he gets horny for guttersluts. Kip-up, Michaels. Make it look really fake. The camera didn't see it, but I bet he did. Show picks up business at the all-you-can-eat buffet. Quadruple-chinned fatvalanches. Did Lawler teach Cole how to pronounce the world "cavalry"? And Shawn Michaels is King of Homosexual Mountain.

Cena vs. Bischoff at Homecoming. Todd: "Eric, you best bone up on your ka-rat-tay!" Are you a sassy black woman now? Edge vs. Matt in a Ladder Match for the Bank Monkey. And some old people. Oh, Harley Race is in there. Triple H is on the side of a garbage can, as well. Always remember to recycle, Jack. Animals cannot evolve if they are trapped in one of those plastic six-pack holders. That is the saddest sight in the World Of Eyes. Todd: "That's gonna do it for *fake tears* this edition of The WWE Experience, I get emotional! Aw, but hey, we got Sunday Night Heat tonight! We got RAW tomorrow night! So there's no reason to be that sad, right? I'm Todd Grisham. THANKS FER WATCHIN'... The WWE Experience. *walks off-screen*"

Final Thoughts: *star wipe*