Pre-Experience: After the wild debauchery of Slammin' Saturday Night comes the queasy hangover that is Somber Sunday Morning. It is a time for church, family, and Ivory. I hate all three of those things.

Trivial Pursuit One-A-Day Calendar: "What was the family name of five of the ten richest people in the U.S. in 1999?" Got to be McMahon, right? Am I right, folks??? No, it's Walton. John Boy be pullin' down the Benjamins. I hate Wal-Mart. There's a lot of Wal-Mart on Somber Sunday Morning, too.

Jesus, isn't it a little early for one of those "Criminals Get Their JUST DESSERTS" shows? Still, seeing a liquor store robber getting a bottle fucking smashed in his face is pretty good. "...but he's no match for two angry women swinging... 80-proof justice." I bet Steve Romero wrote this. Shit, the fat ladies waddle out the door after him. Leave that man alone. Now some guy gets stabbed with a javelin. IT'S NINE IN THE MORNING. Heh, one of the segment producers was "Jay Sherman." That's why it stinks.

It's also too early to be hearing Hardcore Holly's music, Spike TV.

Experience opening. We'll pay a visit to the premiere of Be Cool. Crazy Announcer: "...Triple H's Oscar performance..." Whoa, I know they lowered the bar a little with all that Return of the King stuff, but let's not go nuts. A wrestler pretending to win an Oscar would be funny, though. He could hit people with it. Did Owen hit people with Slammies?

There are your hosts. Ivory took her rainbow-sleeved sweater out of Punky Brewster's closet, while Todd might as well just be wearing a Santa cap. Uhhhh, the audio is screwy. There's a significant delay between when the person's lips move and when their words actually Get The F Out. I hope this is a Spike TV thing rather than a "my tape and VCR are ancient" thing, because it's really creepy. Ivory: "You took the words right out of my mouth!" Yeah, somebody seems to have done so.

Stills of the Cena/Angle match at No Way Out.

Let's start with the Kurt Angle Invitational for some reason. Kurt beat up Rick and Sherri's son. Tazz makes Angle walk off all sadly. His name is Dean Malenko and he wants to go home.

Ivory: "I think it sounds like a, an 'HBK Is From Venus, Kurt Angle's From Mars' situation." Haha, Shawn's from the feminine planet. Todd does that "talking backwards because I'm rewinding the tape" spot that lame people do.

Smackdown Letdown. The Bashams did not win. Why is Chavo so fucking boring unless he's paired up with a family member or stick-horse? They show quick shots of the five men Guerrero beat at No Way Out, which only proves that everyone in the Cruiserweight division is mentally ill. The Tayshaun Prince of Punk. Furry London. Spike in the Patriots jersey. The WWE's next move will be to give Akio a shepherd's crook and make him dress like Bo Peep. Looks like London was dressed insanely at No Way Out, too. Please don't turn Jindrak face. Nobody cares. I kind of like him, even, but all I want him to do is come out, punch someone, maybe dribble a basketball, and leave. JBL's par-tay. If he smells like smoke, it is because he passed through fire. If RVD smells like smoke, it is because... uh... nevermind, dude.

"But when we return, it's a debut so amazing, the only thing to call it is a Masterpiece!" Wasn't it masterful when he BROKE HIS CO-WORKER'S FACE AND PUT HIM IN THE HOSPITAL??? Jesus. I also sucked when I first came to StevieCorp, but I didn't go around hitting people with the water cooler or anything.

Commercials. Where's the Nassau Coliseum? Must be somewhere awful, because the WWE doesn't want to fess up to the city.

Pigeons strut past as Ivory lists artists for some reason. Including "Mary Ray, my mom." Eesh. How old is THAT lady? If nothing else, we now know that Ivory's father is Stevie Ray. We're by the US Armed Forces Recruiting Station again. I think the WWE Experience employs subliminal messaging. There are pigeons EVERYWHERE. I conclude that the U.S. Army is secretly training an elite squad of Death Pigeons.

Here's Masters. You know who would have been better than him? Scott Putski. So is his finisher really the fucking full-nelson, or did they improvise because Stevie was dying? It's really the full-nelson, isn't it? Of course it is.

Your WrestleMania Recall is Taker over Flair in 2002.

Commercials. Casino Cinema invites you to play craps and watch Bloodsport, which is crap.

Experience is brought to you by the Nintendo DS, which invites you to touch Ivory.

Here's the Be Cool premiere at what looks to be Mann's Chinese Theater. Rock: "CHING CHONG!" Wait, I'm lying again. What the fuck are you doing there, Magic Johnson? The Rock plays a gay bodyguard, I guess. And he "can't wait to get back to the WWE." Uh-huh.

Street Sign: "NO STOPPING ANYTIME." They won't stop until SOMEBODY DIES!!! Todd, to Ivory: "Besides myself, of course, who's the coolest person you've ever met?" She met Gladys Knight once. I am FASCINATED. Now Todd's doing the absolute worst Carlito impression ever. Grisham: "Carlito, ever since his injury, he's been on this quest, this, this..." Ivory: "A not-so-cool quest." Now I'm imagining Carlito wearing a suit of armor and spitting apple at uncool dragons and such.

From Smackdown, Linda McMahon declined to take action against Theodore Long. Should have raped her, Carlito. That's what gets results. I think she just dumped him.

Commercials. Sorry, still thinking about Carlito's Quest.

The Juicy Drop Pop Slam of the Week is Trish retaining her title last Monday.

RAW Action. Man, what's up with that black eye, anyway? I hope it was the result of a Fucking Kick Trish In The Face Kick. "I took down the top two contenders..." Replace the word "top" with "only!" Snitsky learned that you don't fuck with Shelton Benjamin, bitch. His beard is bleeding. Muhammad tells us that all you other Muslims can't deny his undefeated record on RAW. And Heat!!!!! Daivari is so adorable. I want to carry him around in a fanny pack. Hassan/Benoit on RAW.

Ivory: "So it's Edge and Christian, who have a long history together as tag team partners..." AND BLOOD RELATIVES. Fake blood relatives. The kind Gangrel used to fill his chalice.

Whatever. Here's the match. I couldn't embarrassingly lose my shit because I missed the first half. EXTREME ATTACK! CONCHAIRTO! THIS WILL CLEANSE THE EVIL OUT OF YOU! MY ATTACKS ARE QUICK AND EFFECTIVE! Michaels ducked while I was shouting Lyude's catchphrases. I also like Christian's shameful music, and my favorite part is the little overture at the beginning. TWINKLE TICKLER MAH GAWD. Christian never wins.

The (Fish)Eye sees Edge kill HBK backstage. This leads up to Michaels/Edge in a Street Fight on RAW. Don't use Cammy.

Commercials. Beep.

Why is WrestleMania in April, anyway? There's no such thing as Extreme April. That would just be stupid.

The Saga of Dave. So I guess he beat up JBL for no reason, but that's understandable. You don't need a reason to beat up JBL. OMG WAS BATISTA BEHIND G-TV?!?! Todd: "I know he's the Cerebral Assassin and all, but can I give Triple H a word of advice, you think that's okay? Next time you talk smack and say all the awful things you've done, you might wanna either speak in a whisper or look around and see if that person is... within two feet of you." WWE plotlines are so stupid that even Todd is ragging on them. Ivory: "Well, I'm sure that Triple H would listen to advice coming from TODD GRISHAM." And we all share a laugh!

From RAW, the awesome contract signing. I hope Batista's use of the "thumbs-up OH HO thumbs-DOWN" partially validates my shit loss over the old Orton ejection.

Todd: "WrestleMania goes Hollywood, and Batista's goin' all over Triple H." Eww. A "pouring yellow liquid on Arn" situation.

Commercials. I guess I can't be mean to RBK when they're sponsoring my Fake Jindrak. Sometimes they give him hats! "Prulato" will apparently give you "peak response quality" in the field of boners. It also fixes your prostate and grants "strong urine flow" for when you need to piss on Arn and/or Triple H. Here's another, grosser commercial for the same product. It makes old geezers sex-crazed! That's nutty! I think he may be attempting to rape that woman, actually. Don't just stand there, call the cops. Also: IT'S TEN IN THE FUCKING MORNING. Well, theoretically. I didn't wake up until 2 P.M.

35 days until WrestleMania.

Ivory uses the highly-respected art of pantomime to act out the finish of the Barbed Wire Cage match. I'm not even kidding. She doesn't stop talking, though. She never stops talking. Here's the actual footage. Big Show has footage. Maybe he should have just exited the cage rather than posing like Randy Orton on each step.

JBL/Orlando versus Show/Cena is clearly more important than the whole Batista thing. Like a broken needle, kid, you missin' the point.

HBK/Edge and Benoit/Hassan on RAW. Todd, to Ivory: "Did you call him 'The Wabid Wolvaween?'" And they're off to get hot chocolate. Todd's buying!

Final Thoughts: That sounds good, actually. I'm going to microwave a cup and send Grisham the bill.