Aired March 9, 2002
Rebeaker: TNM
I feel sick and I may die if I go to sleep, so here is the first of a thousand rebeaks. Join me as I learn the horrible truth about why nobody ever wants to recap this show. Ever. I accidentally taped this over my illegal, 39 year-old copy of "Ernest Saves Christmas", so I hope you assclowns appreciate MY SACRIFIIIIIICE *fist clench*. That's like the shittiest Ernest movie, anyway. OMJG SNATA CLAWSE IS REEL DON'T BREAK KAYFABE!!! Where are the trolls, people? THE TROLLS?!
Wait, my hot chocolate's done. It will keep me alive. Boy, I kinda sound like eviljon. I don't think anybody is willing to rebeak Excess until they're on their deathbed. My tape begins with WB cartoons, and then Robot Wars: Grand Champions. Fast Fucking Forward. I SEE YOU, CHYNA!
The Excess logo is fucking ugly. Our hosts are Jonathan "BAMF" Coachman and Terri (Gold((DUST))). Terri says she was in Hawaii and "got a lei" and Coach is all "HUHUHUHUH, YOU SAID...". Tazz is guesting later, and thank god for that. He's making Coach wear his new shirt, which is fucking god awful. Bright orange, with a barely legible "THUG SUPERSTAR" logo and an 8-ball with "13" on it.
Stephanie/HHH stuff. Helmsley puts the bubonic plague in her lotion. Clips from RAW's cage match with Kurt Angle. This is pretty good quality for a tape that was bought in the Roaring 20's. It's been about a year, you can stop calling it The "New" TNN. Our vault match is the Jericho/Angle/Benoit triple threat from Wrestlemania X6.
Commercials. Some local "Phantom of the Opera" production. Yeah, that'll be a barnburner.
Some Rock package set to P.O.D.'s "Alive". Crazy Christians. I still love it when he calls Booker T a motherfucker. Now he's pouting in a chair. FLEX KAVANA! THE NATION OF DOMINATION! This rules. Clips of him making fun of various interviewers. Ugh, Carson Daly. Bill Gates. "Scorpion King" shilling. This doesn't rule anymore. Terri says she's younger than 30 and Coach slaps his knee to indicate hilarity.
Rock/NWO stuff from Smackdown. RAW's main event is Rock/Austin vs. "the entire three members" of the NWO.
Commercials. President Evil. Don't buy drugs because some terrorists could get your $5 and purchase ski masks. BLONDE VS. BROWN HEDGIE! GO!
Ric Flair/Undertaker stuff. David Flair gets his ass kicked for not color coordinating. BEAT HIM UP IN THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM, TAKER! Flair gets arrested by Officer Worst Haircut Ever. The Undertaker dastardly twirls his moustache.
Commercials. Retards from The Truth annoy people pointlessly. BLONDE VS. BROWN HEDGIE! GO! Are you "feelin'" Pac-Man? "The Time Machine" will suck, but I'm not literate enough to get upset about it like Sofa.
BEEP BEEP BEEP CYPRESS HILL. Nice sockhat, Tazz. Coachman thinks MTV stands for "More... Tazz... TV?" CHOKE HIM OUT. "The Powers That Be" told Tazz to wear a Tough Enough 2 shirt. RUSSO? Clips of that show's season premiere. Shad's not there, because he didn't pass the physical. DRUGS, I PRESUME! So they let Danny on. Bullshit. Some girl gets yelled at for smiling. This is the stupidest show ever. Terri asks if the show has any HOTT GUYZ because she is such a stupid whore. Tazz: "Some hotties, some real hot guys with great butts... big pecs..." Heh.
Commercials. TOBACCO IS WIGGITY WIGGITY WHACKO! Resident Evil: something evil has been released! It's a little blue Slinky in a test tube. Saliva's "Superstar" is one of Wrestlemania's theme song. Couldn't they afford shitty Limp Bizkit again? Cheapos.
Terri shills that "Sex on the Beach" special because she is such a stupid whore. Just horrible. THEY'RE GOING TO SHOW "SEX" ON UPN! REALLY!!! It's probably a documentary about alcoholic beverages. I hate the use of the word "Divas", by the by. Tazz calls Michael Cole a diva. This segues into Raw's women's title match somehow.
Now Tazz says "chutzpah". He wanders around looking at all the monitors. "This is a flat TV, right? Joey Numbaz has got a guy who can get 'em..." Double penguin noise.
Commercials. Mentioning Jared Fogle is best way to make me not watch your "Fame For 15" marathon, TNN. IN FRONT OF THE PAPER, HEDGEHOG! God, those greyhounds in little outfits are so, so creepy.
Weepy Kid Rock promo, NWO-STYLE 4-LIFE. Tazz gargles coffee. "The caffeine's good for your esopha-glus. Yeah, it's that little bounce... punchin' bag deal back there." Now he's reading lines from the script in a wooden manner. "Destruction is part of the NWO, Terri! It is like being in Red Hook. If you can't hang, *points* get out!" Austin/NWO stuff. Here's the coffee checker. JR: "HAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!" What an asshole he is.
Joey Numbaz thinks the Flair/Undertaker match is gonna happen. Tazz... hops. Tazz rules. He points out that he has a big zit on his head and makes the camera zoom in. "Can you pop that for me?"
Commercials. TOBACCO REMAINS WHACKO!
The Lugz Boot of the Week is Angle winning the cage match on RAW. Tazz says Triple H is getting in Stephanie's "crow". "My wife, she gets annoyed with me all the time! She hates me!" Jericho/Kane/Angle/HHH crap from Smackdown. Was that supposed to be the worst Olympic slam ever, or a fairly bad back suplex? I'll bet on the former. Jericho wears Triple H's magic wizard robe because he rules. HOW HUNTER GOT HIS ROBE BACK!!! Now he cuts Stephanie's car in half. She gives us a wide range of emotions, such as "poorly acting" and "sucking". Triple should have cut their dog in half, too.
On a scale of 1 to 10, Terri says Stephanie has an annoyance factor of 20. Physician, heal thyself. Tazz: "To me, that's a normal day in THA HOOK! We got cars in half all the time." He tries to make a joke about how his only toys as a kid were a spare tire and a jack and some other shit, but it was poorly planned.
Commercials. The Big Show and Stacker-2 and a hillbilly and a fat hillbilly. Buy a Harley-Davidson or your grandchildren will hate you.
Weakest Link preview. Did Anne Robinson just say wrestling is especially popular with women? Whatever, Anne. The wrestlers ponder who the weakest link will be.
Austin: "D-Von Dudley."
Terri: "Maybe D-Von."
Edge: "D-Von Dudley."
Buh Buh: "As long as I do better than D-Von..."
Jesus Christ, you racists. Austin goes "What?" and the crowd gives him a STANDING OVATION. Sadly, I'm not kidding. Buh Buh calls D-Von his "wife". Ugh. Kane: "If I can't think of an answer, I'm just gonna say Ecuador." Austin sings. Buh Buh, to Anne: "I can beat up women and old people, and you fall into one of those categories." Haha. Tazz says Bobby Berucci and Joey Numbaz are placing a wager. I wish he'd finalize Bobby's name.
Tazz: "How 'bout Booker T on that first Weakest Link? 'Uh, Mista Booka T, what month is Thanksgivin' in?' 'Uhhh... OCTOBA???' I'm begging ya, Book, everybody knows it's DECEMBA!" Booker T/Tajiri/Edge clips from Smackdown. Tazz has to go. Aww.
Commercials. Tough Enough 2 preview. Bob Holly: "Now if you ever tell me you miss me again, I swear to god I'll rip your shoulder out!" The hell? BLONDE VS. BROWN HEDGIE! GO!
Tazz is still there. Whatever. He's making a paper airplane out of a page of the script. And he hits Coach in the face with it. Hall/Rock clips from Smackdown. I guess Tazz is really leaving now.
Commercials. Tazz wants you to smackdown your vote.
A Wrestlemania Moment. Lawrence Taylor defeats Bam Bam Bigelow. Jesus.
Tazz creeps back onto the set to get his coffee. Now he just keeps wandering back and forth across the screen. This is awesome. "Sorry, which way's out?" This week's vault request is from "Darryl Aube", who Terri calls "Daniel" and then pronounces his last name really weird. Time for some EYE IMPLANTS, you stupid whore. Tazz comes back to give Terri a Golddust action figure.
Benoit/Jericho/Angle from Wrestlemania X6. Or 16. Were they using X's back then? Angle's Intercontinental title is on the line in the first fall, and his European in the second. Why was JR's voice so nasally back in the day? Anyway, if you want play-by-play, you better go back in time 2 years and order the PPV, MARTY MCFLY. I'll note that Angle uses the Crossface Chickenwing, because he only did that move for like a week and it's funny. Benoit wins the IC, Jericho wins the European, and Angle cries.
Benoit's the special guest on next week's Excess, but I shan't be rebeaking it.
Commercials. BALL UP RIGHT NOW AND ROOOOOOALL!!! Blade 2 has some vampires in it, I bet.
Booker T is working out at some gym. OH A RECORD SCRATCH NOISE WITH A WIGGLY SCREEN PREPARE FOR WACKINESS!!! He's shooting for some fitness magazine. Coach says he's using fake dumbells and Booker gives him the TELL ME U DINNAT JUST line. "King" magazine, I guess. It appears ethnic. Tazz wanders through talking on his cellphone. "Can you hear me now? What about now, can you hear me now?" Tazz is great. We're gone.
Final thoughts: I think I have a fever of like 700 degrees.