I am breathing fire right now, you motherfuckers. Hit it.

Hey, television, could you stop making that horrible, high-pitched whining noise so that I might be able to do this without having to jab needles into my eardrums? Good lookin' out, homey.

Pre-show video packages. They make Eric Young really nervous.

If Ever I Face Samoa Joe, I Will Give Him An Indifferent Stroke is accompanied by Jerking The Meat Curtain, as well as all the other Space Invaders. Starting things off in style. With a delicious purplish-pink shirt. Jackie has to be Rope-Holding-Open Bitch. Pink sign: "TEAM CANADA NEEDS TO BE NATURALIZED." Yeah, that's a match I wanted to be reminded of. Alex Shelley's in there? Where? Oh, right there. This kind of legitimizes him as a Space Invader, doesn't it? Jarrett takes the mic and says he's "made a livin' in this business outta readin' people's faces." Like... Al Snow's? Steve Borden's shade of Poker Face tells us that he's afraid. He's too cowardly to show up tonight. But if he does, Jeff has something for him. "Eric Young, Alex Shelley, front and center, right now!" Uh oh. "Listen guys, I'm puttin' ya in the ballgame tonight! I have got a... superior job for you to do!" Go find Sting. Yeah, they're not thrilled. "I want you to look in every nook and cranny!" Feel free to browse, but try not to carouse. "I want you to look in every restroom, every bathroom!" Shelley would have done that anyway. "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" chant. Uh, this has nothing to do with AMW and their faggotry, fans. Roode covers Harris' ears as Shelley and Young try to psyche themselves up. Jarrett calls Sting a quitter, and they're gone.

To Borash, who yammers outside the ring. Eric Young's sniffing around and putting his Spidey Sense to good use. Match graphics. 8-Man Tag. Ultimate X Match. World Heavyweight Championship match.

Now a Christian/Monty Brown video package. WHY DON'T YOU INDULGE ME WITH YOUR GEOGRAPHY, BIG GUY (Sarcasm Noted). This music is fucking weird. More suited for some daring airplane/spaceship dogfight. Or a bullfight, perhaps.

The Fresh Prince Of Bad Hair v. I Am To Raven As Raven Is To Roddy Piper

I love Shannon's music. I am such an idiot. Mohawk. Awful. Moore starts us off with a kick. Shot to the head, then a chop. Whip, but Cassidy wins the shoulderblock. Off the ropes, hopping over, Shannon leapfrogs, marks out for himself, and gets pitched by armdrags. Scoop slam by Riley. Wingspan pose, nice standing moonsault! 1, 2, no. Slappypunches delivered by Riley. Whip, Moore clings to the ropes, then dumps him to the apron with a backdrop. Shannon ducks a shot before busting Riley with a forearm. Running the length of the ring now to knock Cassidy into the railing with a shoulderblock. Shannon follows outside to retrieve the body. 1, 2, no. Standing on Cassidy's throat. Snap legdrop, 1, 2, no. Now a snap suplex for two more. "It's about me! It's about the Prince of Punk!" Paintbrushy shots across the scalp. Crowd rallies behind Cassidy as Shannon applies an armbar. Riley stands to punch free, but Shannon catches him in the jaw. Hard corner whip, douching around too long, then charging into Riley's clotheslines. Scoop slam, wingspan pose, second rope Ravensault! 1, 2, no. Trying a reverse neckbreaker, but Moore shoves him into the corner. Kick, corner whip reversed, but Riley rushes into boots. Shannon goes up top to NAIL the Halo! 1, 2, 3. Maybe we should call it the "XBOX 360" in this day and age.

Hey, Don West? Wearing ties that are the exact same color as your shirt makes you look like a moron. More card recappage.

Joe/Daniels/Styles package. The one in which AJ flips out. HEY YA FAGGETS PROVE ME WRONG

Borash is backstage with Christopher Daniels. The Ultimate X match is "dangerously innovative." As a man of the cloth (the cloth he wears on his head), Christopher Daniels has many questions. Questions for God. Can Samoa Joe even compete in Ultimate X? Will AJ Styles regain the title? Will Christopher Daniels be horribly killed? And how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of his big, bald head? Daniels thinks it comes down to who wants it more. "For ten years, before there was even a TNA, I dreamed of a place where I'd get to do what I do best, and that's wrestle. And for the past three years, I have fought for everything I ever got in TNA. I have shed blood in the Six Sides Of Steel, I have risked life and limb in the six-sided ring, and I have fought everyone to get where I'm at today. And now, at Destination X, the night where I stand poised to regain the championship that I was born to hold, in a match where it hangs fifteen feet above the ring, where anything can happen, will we risk our very lives to be champion once again? The only things standing in my way are two of the greatest stars the X-Division ever produced. And I say... so be it. Who wants it more? Well, Jeremy, watch tonight. Bear witness as you watch my rebirth, my resurrection. Watch as you witness the second coming of Christopher Daniels. And that... is the gospel... according to the Fallen Angel."

Don West is fucking around near the crowd. Jesus, more Cardinals? Why do your people love TNA so much, eviljon? Scott Spiezio, Jim Edmonds, and David Eckstein again. West has ejaculated onto each of your baseball cards many, many times. God, he's such a horrible public speaker. Ecks is all pumped about the Ultimate Ecks match. Dennis Eckersley.

GOD DAMN YOU BASEBALL FUCKERS head on out. Haha, I bet Simon's going to do something pretty hilarious. Elix moonsaults off the top rope for no reason. Hmm, yes, "SIMON HAS A PROBLEM!!!" Bitching about giving the White Sox a replica title. Now complaining about the Cardinals. They had the best record in baseball last year, only to choke in the playoffs. "WELL I'VE HAD IT WITH ALL THESE BASEBALL PLAYERS! I am coming to Tuscon, Arizona to face A.J. Pierzynski and Dale Torborg and show them I am the greatest two-sport athlete walkin' God's green earth!" Is competitive eating really a sport, Simon Diamond? Oh, it's a match? Versus Change My Pitch Up, Smack My Bitch Up. Heh. Shark Boy plays for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Smiley gettin' jiggy. Big "NORMAN" chant. "Cult favorites," i.e. retarded.

Smiley and Shark Boy pose on the turnbuckles and get ambushed. Double whip on Smiley, double Papa Shango, kick for Young, ducking Elix's swing, then forcing him into the ropes for a pulling roll-up into position for sodomy. But David saves with an axehandle. Norman jacks him right back. Fighting on the floor until Elix KILLS EITHER NORMAN OR HIMSELF WITH A HORRIBLE PLANCHA. God, you are sloppier than Samoa Joe himself. Skipper pops up to send Smiley back into the ring. The crowd sure loves Norman. Snapmare and a spine kick by Elix. Cover for two. Tag to Young, double whip, kick, boot to the head, swinging reverse neckbreaker, 1, 2, no. Norman fights back until Dave rakes the eyes. Back to Skipper for a roundhouse thrust kick to the ribs. Forearming away, then a dopey little double mule kick out of the corner. Young's in again for a free shot. Scoop slam, thumb across the throat. He goin' for that The Stupid. Textbook moonsault comes up empty, causing Young to do his out-on-his-feet bumbling. Tyson Dux himself could not have done it better. Smiley wanders over and tags Shark Boy in. Whoops, Young passes out with a wild haymaker, causing Shark Boy to be all "Shrug." Let's hit Elix, instead. Standing dropkick for Young, catching Skipper's shot to hit the reverse neckbreaker stunner. SB ducks Young's swing and backdrops him into a guillotine legdrop on Skipper. ASSBITE ASSBITE MAHGAWD. Shark Boy asks the crowd if they want even further assplay, and they answer in the affirmative. "WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE." Tag to Norman, swing ducked, big tilty scoop slam! Lookin' For Shit! SMBU! Young freaks out, then crawls on his knees to hug the ref in the manner of Eddie. But Shark Boy gets backdropped to the floor by Skipper, shattering his knee. The dangers of not being a mermaid. Some Irish whip tomfoolery sees Smiley cling to the ropes to avoid Skipper's roundhouse kick. But Diamond delivers a cheap shot, causing Norman to stagger into the Everlasting Throbstopper. 1, 2, 3. Hmmmm, yes. A thinking man's non-wrestler.

Buy the paper view. Surely Don West's insane ramblings will convince you. "It's Ultimate X! AJ, Daniels, and Dough!" Hey, they signed Gail's boo?

Destination X music video with 1:30 or so left.

Don't infringe upon TNA's copyrights, or the FBI will arrest you. For pedophilia.

Wow, is this ever a stupid opening. Grainy black-and-white Vaudevillian shit of a guy in a top hat and tails wandering the streets. Who also happens to be wearing a Sting mask and using his bat as a jaunty walking stick. "STUNG, A SHORT FILM BY FRITZ FELLINI." Your arthouse bullshit is beyond me, Alex Shelley. Operatic music as Bogus Sting sets up a tiny television to watch the PPV, presumably. Miming something now? Jesus. Wiping blood on a towel a la Joe, then mimicking Christian's chestpats. Acting like Monty. Christ, is he going to do everybody in the eight-man tag? Thankfully, no. Jarrett strut and double Live Long And Prospers, however. Now some fat guy in a Yankees uniform calls his shot with the bat. And Sting mask guy pulls a Macaulay Culkin. Now he slumps against the wall and removes the mask to reveal that IT WAS ERIC YOUNG ALL ALONG!!! What in the holy living fuck was that about?

Pyro. Ultimate X signs made of tinfoil.

L@@kin' For Sting In All The Wrong Places v. Still Not As Lethal As Austin Aries

Must be rough for Alex to jerk the curtain after his film just completely bombed. Letterbombed. Shooting me with it, then some licking. Capital A. Enjoy another loss, old friend. Stupid Leprechaun Fan's sign: "MY NAME IS SHEAMUS AND I LOVE TO FIGHT." Shut up. Probably blocking my view of Emo Girl. Shelley's mad at the crowd for chanting "LETHAL." He hops down from the top turnbuckle and pshaws the fans. Lockup, The Jiggaman wrings the arm, but Shelley does some insane roll-around, sit-n-spin to counter with a drop toehold. To a hammerlock, then legtripping Lethal back down once he manages to stand. Jay boots Alex away for an Indy Staredown. Lethal (20) and @Lx (22) are the two youngest members of TNA. Samoa Joe ate the rest. Test Of Strength, but Shelley flops onto his back, kicks one hand free, then takes Jay down with a top wristlock. Stepping over Lethal's arm to apply a Tequila Sunrise sort of thing. Lethal pries Shelley's leg off and slides into a front facelock. Alex attempts to pull the cornrows, but Lethal twists the arm. We learn that Konnan's sitting in with TNA's Spanish announce team. No, maybe Konnan IS half of the spanish announce team? That's weird. Back to the Test of Strength, as Jay manages to bridge Shelley all the way down to the mat via his lethality. Trying to drive the weight down and drop him, but it ends up gay when Lethal lands on top and Shelley maintains his position. Trying again, and the gayness only increases as Shelley spreads his legs to apply a bodyscissors. Now Lethal's kneeling between the legs and Shelley's prone and they're struggling and it's really more of a Test of Rape. Alex gouges the face. THAT'S MY PURSE! I DON'T KNOW YOU! Pepper spray, pepper spray. I really don't know how to describe anything anymore, because Alex Shelley is from the moon. Not even our moon. Like one of Jupiter's moons. They've got their legs laced, so Shelley rolls onto his stomach to turn them both over. Then he does a motherfucking handstand, forcing Jay to do the same, so they're standing on their hands facing one another exchanging girlish little slaps and it's possibly the best thing I've ever seen. I hereby try my utmost to Pull A Sofa and prove to you that I have not been smoking The Pot all night.

Double Jay eventually wins out with a slapping frenzy. Front chancery applied, but @Lx stands, goes behind, and gets a waistlock takedown. Quickly flipping Lethal, but he performs a hand-holding kip-up and chucks Shelley armdrag-style. Alex retaliates by hooking an arm and spinning around backslide-style for an armdrag of his own. Lethal sweeps a leg and covers for zero, as does Shelley. Pause for Indy Respect, which is pretty rousing. Even Shelley claps.

Hand Of Friendship? Somehow I doubt it. Alex tells the crowd to shush. Accepted, grabbed, trying a hard clothesline, but Lethal ducks and cuts loose with punches. Loud chop has Shelley doubled over. Whip, Alex somersaults under a back elbow before getting flipped by an armdrag. Another, then an armbar. "LETHAL WEAPON." Shelley stands and pulls the ear into a whip, but Lethal immediately springs off the middle rope to floor him with a crossbody. To the apron, shoulder to Alex's gut, and slinging into a headscissors. Shelley's all "Take Five, Take Five" but Lethal prepares jumperies... INSANE tope suicida!!! Jesus Christ, that's levitation, holmes. The benefits of wrestling on the moon. None of the murderous fury that made Aries' so awesome, but Lethal got DISTANCE. Just floating in mid-air. Alex appears to have busted his knee. Jay tosses him back in as we see a replay. Causing us to miss whatever that move was. Hard back suplex by Lethal, I think. 1, 2, no. Rear facelock applied. But Shelley's a biter. DON'T YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK, JAY LETHAL, YOU YOUNG TWENTY YEAR-OLD STUD??? Jay smacks @Lx and snapmares out of it. Big jumping dropkick to the back of the head gets two. The announcers think the quest for Sting has Shelley preoccupied. Waistlock by Lethal, but Alex stomps the foot. Kick to the gut, roundhouse leg lariat, dopey pose. Face stretch with the toes of the boots. "SHELLEY SUCKS." Alex is all "WHAT YOU SAY???" as he deliberately wrings Lethal's arm into a hard kick to the chest. Hanging onto the arm, tucking it under his leg, and grounding Jay with a crazy octopus. Don't tease the crazy octopus, kids, or it'll kill you like Austin Aries. Shelley ends up pinning his own shoulders down a couple times as Lethal refuses to tap. Now crucifying Lethal over for two. Ninja Chokeout applied by Shelley, but the crowd rallies for Jay. Fighting free, then getting loose with a jawbreaker. Lethal catches a kick, but Shelley OBLITERATES him with an enzuigiri to the face! "SCORE!!!" I think. Who knows with @Lx. Maybe a field goal pantomime, too. Strong's supposed to be the football player. Lethal lays there dead. Back to the Ninja Chokeout. Lethal elbows loose, off the ropes, fist to the face, but Shelley uses that momentum to rebound off the ropes into the VICIOUS A/V Club clothesline!!! I believe I shall call it the Director's Cut. 1, 2, no. Up into a fireman's carry, then dropped straight down. Weird pantomime, trying a Baby Bearsault, but Jay evades. Naptime.

Lethal rushes Shelley and cuts him down. Clothesline. Hiptoss, cartwheel, BUSTING Alex in the face with a dropkick! Kip-up! Lethal's feeling it, but Shelley answers with a jawbreaker. Furious roar as Alex charges, but Lethal hooks his arm and spins him around into a snap reverse neckbreaker. Maintaining his grip and quickly turning him for a modified Northern Lights! 1, 2, no. Ooh, Lethal looks at the crowd too long and Shelley just kneecaps him with a basement dropkick. Fuck. Shelley quickly grabs him for an Oklahoma roll variant, but Lethal squirrels out and does the same to Alex. 1, 2, no! Knife-edge chop delivered by Lethal. Corner whip, corner clothesline, loading Alex up top... Shelley fends him off by biting his face. Or kissing him. You never know. And Alex pulls him down into a super inverted atomic drop! Rawr. Lying in wait, but Lethal hooks another clothesline... probably trying to get @Lx with that Dragon Suplex faceplant that killed Roderick Strong before him, but Shelley manages to break the grip, so Lethal lowers it and surprises him with a quick German suplex! 1, 2, NO!!! Dueling chants before Shelley gets hooked up for a suplex. Lethal kind of does a three-quarter twist and drops him on his side. Ascending is Jay... NO, Shelley channels Aries and runs full-speed ahead to cut out a leg and crotch him! I swear to god that it might say "GOTH" on the big @ logo on Alex's hotpants. Now Alex just SLAPS Lethal in the FACE. Shit. Going up after him, but Lethal fights... shoved down is Shelley. Diving headbutt! Suicide Bomb on The Club. The tables have turned. Lethal, thinking its over, marks out for himself too much on the cover, and @Lx escapes at two. Going for the Dragon Suplex again, but Shelley wiggles over to the ropes and P-R-O-vocatively entangles himself. The easily-distracted Lethal ends up looking at the ref and gets BLASTED by Alex's mule kick! BARREL ROLL OF FILM!!! COVER COVER COVER, 1, 2, 3!!! YES. Tenay: "He hit the *Japanese Word*, the Sliced Bread #2!" Slowwwwly throwing up the Letterbomb in the corner. That ruled.

Hyping matches.

Backstage, where Borash is hanging out with Team Canada. Bobby Roode yells at The Naturals, who have requested a match against he and Eric. D'Amore: "Hey JB, wanna see my imitation of The Naturals?" Everyone loves your impressions, Scott D'Amore! "*crying* Look at us, we're The Naturals! We got screwed!" Somebody call the Waaahmbulance, because they have socialized health care in Canada. Team Canada gets screwed every day by "three-hundred million, ignorant, self-serving Americans." Who suffer from the American disease of bein' rude and ignorant and shut up. Lousy private health care. D'Amore wants to discuss the X-Cup and how Team Canada is getting overlooked. "Team Ireland," Coach??? Fit Finlay and The Glennons? Eric keeps looking for Sting, but various people instruct him to focus. He turns his head away over and over and over, so Petey forcibly swivels his neck back like nine times, which is awesome. Petey's gonna win the International X fourway and make a point. Shelley busts in and tries to appropriate Eric for the great Sting hunt. What about Showtime's match? "My Canadian Danger sense is goin' wild!" Off they go together. D'Amore: "A-1, get ready, I guess you're in that tag match." The worse get worser!!!

Dirk Nowitzki v. Shawn Bradley

Traci is dressed like Michael Jackson in the Smooth Criminal video or something. I do enjoy the pinstripes. Nice homoerotic chaps, Maverick Matt. Footage of him turning on Hoyt on that show nobody sees. "HBK" chant, heh. Traci removes the chaps. GOIN' ALL DOOT-DOO IN SEARCH OF VENGEANCE. Bentley better win this somehow. West: "It was really the miscommunication, where Lance Hoyt was in no way trying to screw Maverick Matt!" He doesn't like him in that way. Hoyt tries to corner Bentley, but Matt's like "Wait wait wait I have to spit on you first." I like him. Eat attack, but Bentley ducks and punches away. Corner whip reversed, gorilla press by Hoyt. He's selling out to join the Phoenix Suns just like Steve Nash. Bentley squirms free, off the ropes, clothesline ducked, backswing ducked, but Bentley gets pitched with a big backdrop. A clothesline sends him to the floor and into the guardrail. Traci checks on her man. Look, Lance, she has a slutty lower back tattoo like you! Matt and Traci talk strategy on the ramp. Now Traci goes to the opposite side of the ring and attempts to distract Hoyt via skankitry. So Matt slides in and gets killed by a clothesline. Hoyt's very slightly less dumb than he looks! Girl punch. Corner whip, but Hoyt runs right into a boot. Matt throws punches. Whip reversed, Big Doot slid under, but Lance grabs Bentley in a choke. Matt kicks clear of the chokeslam. Off the ropes and into Hoyt's powerslam. 1, 2, no. Girl punch. God, those suck. Whip, head down too soon, hard kick by Bentley. Off the ropes and into Hoyt's hard sidewalk slam. Street Baller. 1, 2, no. Bentley gets loaded up in the corner, but he uppercuts Hoyt in the scrotal region while Traci has referee Buff Bagwell's Referee distracted. And Bentley brings Lance down with a super swinging neckbreaker. Elbow to the back of the neck, then a legdrop on it. Slowly turning Hoyt for a reverse neckbreaker. 1, 2, no. Knee to the forehead, elbow to the neck. Axehandle. Bending Hoyt's neck across the top rope. Snapmare, front chancery applied. Lance stands and punches loose. Plowing Matt into the corner, then wandering into boots. Bentley goes off the ropes and gets launched into a flapjack. "HOYT HOYT HOYT" as everybody's dead. Up now, where Lance blocks a punch and employs his terrible offense. I thought offense is what the Dallas Mavericks were known for. Hard clothesline, then a sledge to wipe Bentley out. Corner whip, corner clothesline. Matt's muscled up and draped across the top turnbuckle, which Hoyt kicks to break his ribs. Crotched on the top rope, so Hoyt gives him a horsey ride. Kick, pumplehandle coming up, hit it. 1, 2, no. Hoyt arranges Bentley for the Dootsault, but ain't nobody home. Bentley warms up... Sweet Cuban Music is caught, and Hoyt scoops Matt into a Texas Towerbomb attempt, but Bentley flips behind. Kick, Flatliner, let's sleep some more.

Borash's voice cuts in to tell us that some douche, possibly Sting, is up in the rafters. Stop trying to give Jeff Jarrett bad Owen Hart memories, Steve Borden. Oh, it's Shelley and Young in the middle of their search. Haha, Eric has a tiny little flashlight. "SHH, Jeremy Borash, be quiet, this is my best plan ever!" Eric Young is having the Best Plan Ever! If you people don't think it's worth $30 to see a complete idiot and a complete weirdo team up to hunt Sting all night, I feel sorry for you. Eric fishes something out of a box and begins dropping crap from the rafters. Sting flyers, apparently. Bentley's prepared to superkick Hoyt in his dumb rat-face, but Traci's forcing a wanted poster on him. Is it a bounty? Sweet. Get the money, get the money. Oh, it's allegedly just a picture of Steve Borden. "Have you seen this man? Use extreme caution, do not approach. If you see Steve Borden, contact Jeff Jarrett immediately." First Contact. Boy, Traci sure is stupid. Bentley turns around into the Big Doot and eats the three count. Close-up on a flyer. Eric sure got those printed up pretty fast. Tenay: "JB's already in the back?!?!" Did he jump from the rafters? Tenay: "Man, he's quick!"

Borash is with the face half of the 8-man tag. What the hell happened to Shane Douglas, anyway? Is that Team 3-D shirt ripping off the Gatorade logo? Rhino: "The scars on my body are a reminder that my past wars are real!" Hahahahahaha, oh god. PAPA SHANGO MORE LIKE PAPA ROACH. "RHINO" MORE LIKE MORE LIKE "EMO." Ymo. Hey, Abyss, as a Space Invader and/or A/V Club sympathizer, I'm going to give you a secret tip. Old Man-style, bitch. Rhino's weakness is that HE CARES TOO MUCH. Brother Raye: "Forget about Destination X!" Okay, I guess I'll just go ahead and turn this off, then. "Tonight, it's Destination: War!" Stop saying hilariously horrible things, everyone. Death, Taxes, Tables. "But most of all, tonight is about war!" K-Kwik: "Now you can get with this, or you can get with that!" Testify, Devon. You were the only one who didn't say something completely asinine. Hug! Raye, to Devon: "Dude, you have to teach me Ebonics!" WHO IS HE, MATT STRIKER??? Devon: "*sigh*" Yeah. White people, man.

Let's call it a night, homebrethren.

I'm back like three days letter, I'm in an even better mood than before, it's 2:45 in the AM, and we're gonna sweep together all night. Suicide's last call. As tempting as an A-1 vs. Naturals match might make that sound, no, I believe I'll pass.

D'Amore's D'Ouchebags v. Pink: It Does More Than You Think

Wow, Eric is EXTRA-TERRIFIED by the pyro tonight, leaping into a hug from Roode and quickly getting shoved away. If he's going to be hanging around out here, why doesn't he just, like, wrestle? Bark, bark, bark at The Naturals. I do not know who The Greatest is. Robert Roode jumps Chase Stevens while he's trying to remove his shitty 80's gear. Shoved away, but Bobby presses the attack. Hey, I think Eric IS gonna wrestle. Whatever. West, to D'Amore: "Quit eatin' our candy!" What??? Tenay: "All you can eat in the back, pally!" EASY THERE, SINATRA. Elbows to the back of Stevens' neck, then a side headlock. Whipped off, but Roode runs him down off the shoulderblock. "I'M GONNA BREAK HIS NECK!" Okay, that's fine. Off the ropes, trying to hop over, but Stevens trips him up and rolls into position for a side headlock. Whipped off, this time Roode loses the shoulderblock. Off the ropes, Stevens hops over fruitfully, turns right around, and throws a standing dropkick. Punch, whip, gutshot, side Russian legsweep for two. Tag to Andy, double corner whip, bulldog onto Stevens' knee. 1, 2, no. Roode fires back with that devastating kneelift of his, then tags The Man With The Plan. Eric's quickly upended by a hiptoss. Deep armdrag into an armbar by Douglas. Eric breaks with a forearm and hits the ropes, but Andy goes right back to it. Wringing the arm before tagging out to Stevens. Double whip, no, swinging him around for a double straitjacket takedown. Cover gets two. Back to Andy for a free shot. Whip reversed, Roode gets clobbered, as does Eric. Another whip reversed, but now Roode's outside to trip Andy up. And Eric capitalizes. Side backbreaker on the knee, 1, 2, no. Roode tags in for a shot to the ribs. Head to the buckle, hard right hands. Douglas fights back to the "USA" chant, but ROODE'S KNEELIFT IS UNSTOPPABLE. Big back suplex by Bobby, 1, 2, no. West is disheartened by Roode, Team Canada, and "all the shenanigans they pull." Royal Canadian Mounted Police shenanigans are not cheeky and fun. F'Arva. Douglas is loaded up top for Roode to punch on. Jockeying for position up there until Andy brings Roode down with a super uranage!

Hot tag to Stevens, clammy, sweaty-palmed tag to Eric. Chase beats up on him. Whip, big backdrop. Ducking Roode's swing for an atomic drop that sends him flopping to the floor in a really fake manner. Whip reversed by Young, who charges into dipshittery in the corner. He's hung up on the top rope, so Stevens kicks the turnbuckle to crotch him. Didn't Hoyt like... just do that? I mean, it was three days ago, but I'm fairly sure I remember. Big Sexy Chase Stevens frames Eric for a dropkick that knocks him off the rope and to the floor. West: "Obviously, The Naturals were watching the match previous to this, since they did the same thing! That Lance Hoyt..." I am legitimately surprised that he actually noticed. Showtime crawls around outside until Stevens jumps into the barricade and kills himself for no reason. Well, that wasn't very smart! I can only hope D'Amore or somebody had a hand in that. Roode pitches Chase back in for Eric's axehandle. 1, 2, no. I think the crowd's chanting "WE SEE STING," but Eric shan't be swayed by their mind games. Whipping Stevens in and cutting him down with a back elbow. Thumbs-up for his homies before covering for two. In comes Roode for elbows to the neck. Reverse neckbreaker, 1, 2, no. Elbow. Scoop slam, headed up for the Who's The Greatest Kneedrop, which connects. 1, 2, no. Tag to Eric as a neck vise is applied. Young delivers a boot. Punches, and Stevens is woozy. Leg choking on the middle rope. The ref ends up distracted as Eric Young recites the Pledge Of Allegiance (TO CANADA), allowing Roode to bend Chase's neck across the bottom rope. Illegal switch made, fake tag indicated. DON'T BE LAZY. Tenay: "SEE THAT BIG CLOWN AT RINGSIDE, THAT BIG LOAD D'AMORE." He rolls with the ICP. You may remember Scott D'Amore from his short-lived WWF stint as Golga. Roode drops an elbow and chokes. Stevens fights back as West is all impressed by Tenay TELLING IT LIKE IT IS, SISTAH in regards to Team Canada hatred. Tenay: "Must be that second Red Bull I had. *suddenly screaming about Chase's comeback* FROM HIS KNEES!!!!!" Hahaha. Roode counters by going to the eyes. This match is like fifty minutes too long. Tag to Eric, head to the buckle, forearm, c'mon, something happen. Cheap shot for Andy on the apron. Whip reversed by Stevens, causing Eric to do the Fear Flip and wander to the other set of turnbuckles. Was going to climb, but he spots Douglas over there and thinks better of it. Backpedaling his way up the previous turnbuckles, but Stevens is over to deck him. Eye rake by Young. "Who's The Greatest now?" What do you mean, 'now'? I wasn't aware you ever figured that out in the first place. Eric douches around too much, allowing Stevens to springboard off the top rope and enzuigiri him in the head! And Young does a NASTY pratfall from the turnbuckles to the floor! Right on his face. Replay. Kerplop. West: "And it's like the tree coming down!" He's a lumberjack, but he's not okay. A-1 goes to fetch Eric's dead body and deposit him in the corner so Roode can tag in. That doesn't seem very legal.

Roode barrels across the ring and prevents the hot tag in the nick of time. Clubbing. Rear facelock. How long is this gonna be, seriously? Stevens elbows loose, only to get hauled down by the hair. So now Chase crawls through the legs and makes the tag. What a payoff. Andy ducks a clothesline and plows Roode with the high knee. Clothesline, then another. Corner whip, rebounding into a backdrop. STIFF forearm to Eric's face! Jesus. He stumbles off the apron and gives us some spaghetti-legged action. Do not eat them, Scott D'Amore. Douglas counters Roode's Papa Shango with a big tornado DDT. 1, 2, no. Waiting on Young to slide back in, clothesline ducked by Stevens, who tries to wheelbarrow Eric up for something, but he cannot manage the tremendous weight that is Showtime. So Stevens ends up on his back as Eric is kind of propped up for Andy's elbowdrop. That sure looked like shit. Roode hooks Stevens' swing and drops him with a full-nelson slam. Now Douglas catches Roode with a double underhook pancake. 1, 2, no. Douglas takes Bobby up in piledriver position as Stevens ascends, but Eric makes the save. Crotching Chase, to boot. The Canadians want a double superplex, and Douglas helps out by jumping up there to kind of German suplex both of them into it. Tenay: "*girl scream*!" Way to help your partner out, dude. Replay. Eric flopped around like a Magikarp. We're back to see Andy drape an arm across Roode... 1, 2, no. Young is spotted with the hockey flagstick as The Naturals call the Disaster. Douglas is distracted by D'Amore or somebody because he's an idiot, allowing Roode to go behind Stevens on the suplex up. Shoved outside, as Eric's up top with the stick... leaping down to break it over Andy's head! Roode covers, 1, 2, 3. TENAY: "NO NO NO" West: "ROBBERY ROBBERY HIGHWAY ROBBERY" Call Dudley Do-Right.

Back to Borash, who stands with Monty Brown. It's the biggest match of his career. Monty's going to get his respect, because he's going to take it. "On my hunting grounds! Welcome to my Serengeti, Flavor Of The Minute! Flavor Of The Month! You are lookin' at the Flavor Of The Millennium! The Flavor Of The Future!" Astronaut Tang. What Jeff Jarrett always gets from sexy spacegirls. MEET GEORGE JETSON, HIS BOY MONTY. "'Cause I could be covered from head to toe with doorknobs, Christian Cage, and you STILL couldn't handle the Alpha Male!" Uhhhhhh. Christian's going to feel butterflies in his stomach, as well as something else. Gangrel was feelin' blood, Christian was feelin' somethin' else. Monty: "AND YOU... WILL FEEL... THE" Zbyszko: "MONTY!" Larry promises a level playing field on The Serengeti. Handshake offered, but Monty slaps it away. He ain't care. "I WILL LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD WITH... THE POUUUUUUNNNNNNC-UH!!! *rubbing pheromones on the microphone* PERIOD!"

Some sort of LAX vs. James Gang package with stupid barrio music. Stupid Barrio Mothers. OH MAN AN OLD MAN'S GONNA FIGHT I AM PUMPED. Mash on him, Konnan.

MASHERS! HELP, HELP! v. Mash Up My Food Because I Have No Teeth

And then hide his pills in it. Ha, Konnan's wearing some Puerto Rican flag shirt like he's one of the big musclemen from Mexican Gladiators. Kurt Anglo. That IS the Puerto Rican flag, right? Oh, like I care. Machete's pretending to towel-snap people with his little flag, too. NO HORSEPLAY. Konnan takes the mic and says things. "YO, BULLET BOB ARMSTRONG, A.K.A. DINOSAUR BONES! I HATE YOU." They hate these fans, and they hate this city, and I bet they also hate the troops. The Grove Street Soldjaz. Oh holy god, Bullet Bob is wearing some old-school Armstrong onesie. Road Dogg's going to talk. He's not in the mood for crazy catchphrases, so lucky me. "BLOOD RUNS THICKER THAN MUD, YOU PUNK BITCHES!" Well, that was racist. Konnan's like "Hey, you are offended by that!" so Homicide and Machete attack. They get their asses kicked. Quickly ejected. "LET'S GO BULLET." He's wearing thirty-year old wrestling boots with bullets on them. Lousy draft dodgers. Tenay: "Hell, those boots are older than half the wrestlers on the TNA roster!" Steal 'em, Shelley. I know of a certain place where they would fetch a very f@ir price.

Mash-ete starts with The Jizzle. Who the fuck are you, anyway, Machete? He gets punched upon. Catching a kick, spun, shot ducked, off the ropes, big boot by Road Dogg. Shot for Homicide, as well. Dogg pounds on him until getting distracted by Machete's cheap shot. It allows Homicide to nail a flying leg lariat. Snapmared down, kneedrop to the face. Gangbanging in the corner. Did Konnan just say "Orale La Russo?" Gunn tries to barge in, causing Dogg to get killed even more. Whip by Machete, clothesline ducked, and Jizzle throws shitty jukey jabs. Glancing over at Homicide, which allows Machete to go to the groin. I think. Boot to the head, pretending to make tags rather than actually making them because Mexicans are lazy and prone to siestas. West: "He's makin' the tag sound!" Three-way mugging. Reverse neckbreaker by Homicide, 1, 2, no. Front chancery sort of thing applied. Kneedrop to the back of the head. Another knee. To the second rope to attempt a tornado DDT, but Jizzle shoves him off. Road Dogg's clothesline is ducked, and then they hit the ropes for simultaneous crossbodies that kill everybody. Tags to Machete and Gunn, so Mr. Ass cleans house. Just like an enema. Jabbing Homicide in the corner. Ass Splasher on Machete, then he backs up and says "I'M GONNA BEAT YOU UP" for twenty minutes before Homicide realizes "Oh, I guess I should ambush." Dogg returns with a haymaker for HC. Homi and Cide are two separate words. Jizzle flies off the apron or someplace with an axehandle on Homicide. Bullet Bob and Konnan remain, and K-Dawg's twirling his sock. Slapjack shot ducked, so Bob punches him. What a fucking ridiculous oversell. WOW WOW WOW FALL OUTSIDE AND PRETEND LIKE I'M LOSING MY BALANCE. Bob takes his head to the steel steps. Old man punch. Pounding away on the announce table as Don West shits his pants. Back to the ring, where Jizzle punches Homicide. Setting up the pumphandle, but Homicide's in with a chair. Tenay: "CHAIR CHAIR CHAIRSHOT!" Thank you, Goldust. Bullet Bob snags the chair to prevent it. Struggle over the chair, so Road Dogg kicks it into Homicide's face. Ow. Father and son launch him over the top. Now Machete's boxed in by all three opponents, but he attacks because he's hard, yo. Might have yelled "FUCK YOU," as well. Pinballed around, because that's the only game they had back in Bullet Bob's day. Along with Spicball and Kick The Spic. Gunn takes Machete on a big, huge, gay Missouri Boat Ride. EXCITING AND NEW. Cover, 1, 2, 3. Gross, Bullet Bob is doing Road Dogg's shaky knees. They get a chair for him to sit on because he's old. For future reference, Emo Girl sits next to Sheamus McLeprechaun's stupid ass. I have not seen Dancin' White Boy tonight.

Borash hangs out with Shaggy and Scooby as they try to uncover the mystery of Sting. Eric: "You're gonna blow our cover, shh! Uncle Jeff is gonna be so proud!" HOLY SHIT, Eric does a dramatic forward somersault out into the open! I'M TELLIN' ALL Y'ALL IT'S SABOTAGE. GO GO GO. Into the bathroom, that is. There's a bat and a trenchcoat, so they assume Sting's in the stall. I dunno, there are a lot of baseball players hanging around, too. Canseco might be shooting up in there. Eric: "We got the whole place surrounded! And we don't want no trouble!" Flush. Eric raises the bat for a clubbing, but it's just HEY YA FAGGETS I'M TRYIN' TA TAKE A CRAP, hahaha. Styles: "Whaddaya doin'?" Eric: "What are YOU doin'? Where's Sting, is he in there with you?" Hahahaha. AJ doesn't know what's up with the bat and coat. "And what are you guys doin' in here? Together? Mm?" FAGGETS. "Oh, and Shelley? The camerawork you're doin'? It's gonna get you HURT." Pssh. @Lx, to Eric: "Buddy, I was THIS CLOSE to just knockin' him right on the ground and stompin' one in him."

I GOTS DAT OLYMPIC SPIRIT v. IT'S NOT A PUMA v. Failure Is Rewarded! v. Bumrush Egypt

The wrestler to get the first pinfall or submission is declared the winner and gets nothing. Sign: "TEAM CANADA NEEDS SOME DEVINE INTERVENTION." If it means no more A-1, sure. He's chilling out with Petey, by the way. There's Puma from New Japan. Why do you have a mask under your mask, Puma? Am I supposed to capitalize it? Are you heel? I know nothing. Why are you in this match, Shawn J. Dutt? You lost the fucking qualifier. I don't see Shelley in here. Although him whipping ass on Jay Lethal and chasing Sting around all night is certainly better than getting made to look like a dick in this. I guess The Durango Kid sold his minivan to Coach and couldn't be bothered to show up, baby boy. YEAAAAH IT'S MY DURANGO, NUMBER 95. Or whatever. Seriously, can someone who is not Sabin win this?

So Canada vs. Japan vs. India (Shyeah) v. Michigan. Good luck fielding Team India, TNA. Sonjay, Dhalsim, and Wavell Star. Puma starts with Dutt. Lockup, headlock by Puma, adding a keylock, whipped off, Sonjay drops down, Puma handsprings over, trying a snapmare, but Dutt lands on his feet. Trying again, but Dutt spins out and gets a backslide for zero. Puma hits the ropes, hooks an arm, then drops down into some sort of jackknife inside cradle for one. Dutt turns it into a crucifix for one of his own. Puma picks an ankle, elbowdrop dodged, but so is Sonjay's somersault splash. Indian Respect. "POOH-MUH" chant. West thinks Sonjay is the fastest wrestler he's ever seen in TNA, but Austin Aries has ADD, so no. Petey tags himself in to Sonjay's displeasure. Is that a word? Test Of Strength proposed by Puma, perhaps, but Petey doesn't want it. Lockup, Puma ends up forced into the corner, where Sabin brings himself in. Snapmare on Petey, cover for two. Whatever, Sabin. They're holding hands and grappling now. Sabin maintains it as he monkeyflips Williams down. Trying to float over and get position on him, but Petey puts his feet up and sends Sabin back upright. Hopping into wheelbarrow suplex position to toss Sabin with a forward armdrag. Off the ropes, Sabin cartwheels over, Petey leapfrogs, and Sabin springs off the middle rope into a rolling armdrag. Charging into the corner, but Petey puts a boot up. Now he crashes and burns on the second turnbuckle crossbody. Sabin hops to the apron and nails a springboard missile dropkick. 1, 2, no. Petey begs off and calls for a timeout. Sabin eventually grabs him, but it was an eyerake ploy. Shot for Sonjay for no real reason, schoolboy on Sabin, 1, 2, Dutt runs in with an Oklahoma roll. Puma pulls Petey out and rolls Sonjay up. Why are you counting, referee Buff Bagwell's Referee? I must be the only person in the world who understands how wrestling works. Sabin kicks Sonjay, then boots both Petey and Puma away as he wheels around for a tornado DDT, but Dutt shoves it off. Clothesline ducked, Sabin spins him around all crazily for a sunset flip, but Sonjay rolls through and busts him with a basement dropkick! Getting sassy. Hi, A-1. Dutt with a snap suplex on Sabin. Floatover for two. Float like a Dutterfly.

Sabin drives Sonjay into the corner, but Puma tags in. Beating Christopher up. Snapmare, spine kick, zany butterfly submission. Puma maneuvers it into a pin for two. To me, it looked like Sabin's shoulders were actually stacked on Puma's body, but then again, referee Buff Bagwell's Referee is not very good. Into the corner they go, so Petey tags in. Kick for Puma. Scoop and a slam, snap legdrop, 1, 2, no. "LET'S GO PEOPLE." Puma busts out of a side headlock and chops away. But Petey dropkicks his kneecap off. Ready for some leg breakery on the bottom rope, but Dutt brings himself in. Bodyslam on Puma, off the ropes, Lionsault, 1, 2, no. Snapmare, off the ropes, dropkick to the face, 1, 2, no. Cravat applied, but Puma floors Sonjay with a European upercut. Tag to Petey, who dropkicks Dutt in the back. Down comes the hair before Petey chooses the Sabin corner for the Maple Tree Of Woe, which probably isn't wise. Ready for the Crotch Anthem, but Chris tags in. Crowd: "BOOOOOO!" Hahaha. Sabin kicks away and then just blasts Sonjay with the Kain Jump Dropkick, ow. Petey kind of tagged back in there, but I guess referee Bad Referee failed to recognize it. Sabin covers Dutt for two prior to a replay. We're back to see him pop Dutt in the back of the head with the one-footed dropkick. 1, 2, no. Surfboard with a knee in the back. Dutthole Surfers. Sabin grinds his skull between the shoulderblades now, but Sonjay manages to stand and reverse the hold. Putting pressure on the back of Sabin's knee to drive him down. Knee in the small of the back. Sabin tries to power out. Turning it, but Dutt uses his grip to toss Sabin down and quickly cover for one. Face to the turnbuckle as a "HAIL SABIN" chant gets going. Hard chop by Dutt. Corner whip, flying corner hip check. Tag to Puma, who hamstrings Sabin with a kick. More. Snapmare, dropkick to the back, 1, 2, no. Another European uppercut, but Sabin answers with an open-handed chop. Chest kick is met with another LOUD chop. Chest kick, knife-edge chop, and Petey's like "Aw, fuck this shit." Tagging in in place of Puma to pound on Sabin. Into the corner, kicking away. Maple Tree Of Woe. To Puma: "Don't you tag me!" Heh. Standing on the dick and singing a song. Petey marks out for himself. Repeated knees to the spine as Petey pulls the hair. Straitjacket choke. Sabin fights free. Trading shots. Clothesline ducked, Puma tags in. Corner whip reversed by Sabin, who gets backdropped to the apron on a charge. At which point Petey knocks him off of there. Here's Puma to rush into Petey's back elbow. Williams slingshots to the floor and takes Sabin out with the hurricanrana! "TNA." Picking Sabin up, but Puma piles on with a HUGE somersault senton! Sonjay wants his piece of the pie, my friend... ha, Puma scoots back in and mows him down with a clothesline. "BOOOOOO!" Replay of Puma's dive. He and Sabin duke it out currently. Chris pitches him into the ropes, but Puma clings on and hangs there like a weird, annoying little Tarantula. Tenay: "LIKE SPIDERMAN!!!" Does whatever a Puma can. Sabin seems taken aback by the fucked-up-edness of it all. But now he says "*sleepy shrug*" and barrels ahead with a dive that becomes a tope suicida onto Petey when Puma moves!

Puma comes a-runnin' at Sabin, only to juke him with a Tiger Mask Fake-Out variant. But he Forgot About Dutt (Sitar Remix) and takes a dropkick in the back. Flopping outside is Puma, so Sonjay heads all the way up... big moonsault onto all three men, landing on his feet! Replay. Sending Sabin back in prior to a dopey yell, but Puma pulls Sonjay off the apron. Trying to sling in on Sabin, but Puma gets caught in fireman's carry position! Cradle Shock prevented when Puma slips free. Kick caught, Sabin spins into the climb-up enzuigiri, but Puma ducks it with a wag of his finger. BAM, buzzsaw kick to the head! Sabin gives it a sleepily comatose sell. Here's Peter to duck Puma's kick and tilt-a-whirl into the side Canadian legsweep! Got the harpoon out, but Dutt comes flying in with a climb-up enzuigiri of his own! Off the ropes and right into Sabin's FLYING ENZUIGIRI TO THE FACE! This is getting hot. Corpses everyone, which the crowd appreciates. "THIS IS AWESOME." Tenay: "Yep." Puma's up for a nasty brainbuster on Petey! To the apron, slingshot senton on Petey, but he rolls right into Sabin's roundhouse mule kick! Punch, side suplex, but here's Sonjay with a hurricanrana off the second turnbuckle. Sabin pops up, but Dutt catches his shot and drops him with a swinging neckbreaker. Sonjay hits the ropes and gets sent airborne by Petey's belly-to-belly suplex! Puma grabs Petey's legs, but Williams manages to corkscrew him aside. Double leg takedown, Shortshooter on Puma! He crawls for the ropes, but Petey drags him back and goes to one knee. Dutt saves with a dropkick. Knife-edge chop, whip, but Petey pulls Sonjay into a big DDT. Harpoon! GET OVER HERE! Trying to go over for the Destroyer, but Sonjay hefts Petey on his back. Cradling him into a behind-the-back tombstone!!! Haha, look at Buff's ref freak out. That's a pin, so 1, 2, and Sabin piefaces Dutt out of it. He and Sonjay are pissed. Chopfest '06. WOO WOO WOO WOO. Sonjay kicks, hits the ropes, gets launched up, and gets buried by a powerbomb. Heaved back up Jericho-style and crushed by The Spiraler! 1, 2, Puma saves with a kick! Whip, clothesline somersaulted under, kick for Puma. Up into powerbomb position, but Puma manages to drop down. Knee to the head by Puma, double underhook into a brainbuster! 1, 2, Dutt dives in to save. Calling the Asai DDT, but Puma drops him behind. Dutt improvises with a waistlock, but Puma fights it. Petey hustles over to pitch Puma over the top. Dutt kicks Petey and sets up uhhh The Indian Destroyer(?), but Petey swings out, hefts Dutt, and drops him into a top rope guillotine. Quickly picked up, CANADIAN DESTROYER! From Canadian Vern Troyer. But Sabin just scoops Petey up in an upside-down manner like the hilarious toddler than he is! Williams escapes a very close call with the Cradle Shock by wiggling behind. Shoved into the ropes, kick, calling for a second Destroyer, but Puma springboards into a BLOCKBUSTER on Petey! Kick for Sabin, who immediately answers with the climb-up enzuigiri! Fireman's carry, CRADLE SHOCK! 1, 2, 3! Tenay: "You wanna know what separates TNA from everybody else???" The fact that Chris Sabin always wins. But that rocked, who cares.

Back to Borash for an interview with the Space Invader half of the eight-man. More war metaphors, as The Minister discusses how they enlisted the finest Space Soliders. Look at Jackie sassing everything. Weapons Of Mass Destruction, blah blah blah. Jeff has a message for Sting, but Eric and Alex show up. No luck yet, so Uncle Jeff says they're finished looking. It's time for Sting to find him. Next.

Music video.

PEACE? AH HATE THE WORD, AS AH HATE HELL, ALL DUDLEY BOYZ, AND THEE v. One, Two, Three, Four, We Declare An Emo War

Please don't think I'm literate, as that's less a Shakespeare reference than it is a reference to that Dutthole Surfers song that makes me think of John Leguizamo donning a pair of green suspenders and jumping on Mercutio's head over and over. Jackie accompanies AMW. Incredibly blurry sign that we fade in and out on: "Storm, is that apple juice in your bottle?" Are you drunk, as well, cameraman? REURR REURR DAH HAH HAH HAH HA. With Gail and guitar bazooka. It's his world, and we're just livin' on it. Open the ropes for him, Jackie, you hog. Here comes Rhino. White chocolate, swears, Papa Roach lyrics. He tears his heart open, he sews himself shut, because he likes GORE, GORE, GORE. God, I wish somebody would just jump him one of these days when he charges the ring. OMG, he's actually smartened up to that and pulls up short! The Deadlies get the last entrance, I guess. Hey, there's another reasonably attractive Emo Girl. Looks like Tammy. The faces discuss strategy on the ramp before rushing the ring. It's a fight. Obvious pairings. Rhino with a frickin' plancha onto Abyss. Sorry, fuckin'.

K-Kwik smacks Jeff around on the ramp. Abyss bashes Rhino's head into the apron. Buh Buh suplexes Storm on the ramp and hurts his dumb self. Killings does likewise to Jarrett. Rhino and Abyss fight in the bleachers. Just like last month, Rhino wants to Gore him off the edge. Nope, into a big boot this time. Raye drops a big fat elbow onto Sheriff Pony. Jeff and Truth fight by the Spanish announce table. Yeah, Konnan's back there after having been vanquished by a senior citizen. K-Kwik's head bounces off the table. Jeff gets up there and pummels him before throwing up double Live Long And Prospers. Where the fuck are Devon and Harris? There we go. Topato got hit with a water bottle. THE CARNAGE. Killings starts punching Jeff atop that table. Rhino gives Abyss a chair whack. And agayne. Bumble, bumble, bumblefuck Egypt. "TNA." Now Jarrett chairs Killings. He takes a hotshot on a guardrail. Storm's tumbling down some stairs. Jarrett launches the edge of a chair into Killings' ribs. Now Buh Buh ends up beating the shit out of Abyss. Oh, hey, Dancin' White Boy. Right where he's supposed to be, weird. Storm clobbers Raye before climbing back over the barricade. Man, going apeshit on him. Super-pissed. Choking, but Rhino helps out. Devon flattens Harris on the ramp. Storm corner whips Rhino, then runs into his back elbow. K-Kwik whips Jarrett into the barricade in the background. Rhino putting the fists to Sheriff Pony. Tag to Devon. Whip reversed, clothesline ducked, spinny back elbow by Deadly. Head to the buckle, but a back elbow fends off Devon's charge. Storm punches away. Setting up a ten-punch countalong, but first we pause to yell "THIS IS YO' COWBOY RIGHT HEAH!" Hahaha, far too funny. Buh Buh breaks that shit up. On the shoulders as Devon goes up, but Topato prevents the Deadly Device by jacking Devon with The Minister's cane. So Storm drops down, and Buh Buh turns around into Abyss' chokeslam! Storm tags out to Jarrett, who puts the boots to Devon. Draped on the second rope for the running charge. Now restraining Devon so Abyss can beat him up. Hamhands. Devon turns things around in the corner with rights, but Abyss' kneelift stops it. Back to Storm for rapid-fire stomps. Whip, clothesline ducked, flying clothesline by Devon. Tag to Raye, who cuts Sheriff Pony down with clotheslines. Whip, big back drop. Here's Harris to take a hiptoss. Sidewalk slam on Storm, Samoan drop on Harris. Hard open-handed chop on Harris before stacking AMW in the corner. Tag to Rhino, who squashes them both with the little corner Gore! Whip reverseries on Storm lead to the Concrete Crunch! 1, 2, Jarrett saves.

The faces get all pissed before we see a replay. Jarrett and Rhino scrap in the ring. Whip reversed by Rhino, clothesline ducked, but he takes Jeff up for a gorilla press slam. Belly-to-belly slam! Hunkering down, but Gail Kim decides to serve as a human panty shield. Tenay, fucking frothing at the mouth: "GET HER! GET HER!" Oh yeah, I almost forgot how much you hate women. Gail's begging off, but it only leads to a SLAP. OHHHHH. GO... FIXXX... YOURSELLLLLF. Hang on, I'm going to go buy that song. Destination X made me buy a fucking Papa Roach song. Explicit version, certainly. I don't want Rhino crashing through my wall and killing me. So yeah, he's got Gail by the hair. Loading up the Rhinodriver '52, but Abyss saves with a big boot. And kicks Gail in the head a little bit, oops. Mounted punching from Abyss. Jackie apparently sasses Gail and gets a "SHUT UP!" Rhino gets choked on the middle rope. Abyss does that stupid "Ooh, Grr, Referees Are Terrified Of Me" Undertaker spot that I loathe. Rhino starts a comeback until Abyss kneelifts him. They must teach that at Space Invader Academy. Abyss Pose to piss Buh Buh off prior to the Big Bumbly Idiot Fatvalanche on Rhino. 1, 2, no. Tag to Jeffrey, who whips Rhino into his nice standing dropkick. 1, 2, no. Tag to uh, Storm. Punch, punch. Corner whip, but Storm eats boot on the charge. He retaliates by planting Rhino with a powerslam, however. 1, 2, no. Tag to Harris, double whip, double back elbows. "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN." 1, 2, no. Ninja Chokeout. Jackie and Gail are sassing it out, causing Buh Buh to yell something akin to "SHUT UP, BITCHES!" And Jackie makes a hilarious "Oh No He Dinnat" face. "RHINO" chant as he dies in Topato's reclining headlock. The Couch Topato. Hand falls once, twice, but not thrice. Rhino gets all fired up in the manner of Triple H and busts free, but Harris yanks him down by the hair. Tag to Jarrett who dives into a cover for two. Again, still no. Tenay: "Jarrett gonna try and cherry-pick this baby!" Poppin' space cherries with his ray gun. Babies do not grow on trees, Mike Tenay. A fact that Samoa Joe knows all too well. Jarrett covers a million more times before Rhino kicks out w/ authority. Tag to Storm for a kick. Knee choke. Headbutt to the groin, 1, 2, no. Tag to Abyss for a clubber. Repeated hamhands, boot to the face. Abyss goes to the second rope and hits a splash, surprisingly. 1, 2, but Brother Raye comes in and wails on him. Jeff tags in, whip, clothesline ducked, double clotheslines wipe them both out. Crowd wants the hot tag. In comes Harris to prevent it with an elbowdrop. Driving Rhino into the corner for shoulder charges. Tag to Storm, double corner whip, firing Topato in for ringpost Palumboization. And Rhino bowls Storm over with a clothesline or something.

Hot tag to K-Kwik, who draws Jarrett. Slapping the crap out of everybody. Abyss moseys on in to eat the twisty leg lariat and bumble hilariously. Jarrett gets swung out of a whip into K-Kwik's Flatliner. Whip reversed on Harris, who's dispatched by the twisty flying forearm. Do I really have to put "twisty" in front of every dumbass Ron Killings move? It's pretty much implied. Storm gets punched upon, by Abyss readies an eat attack. Whoops, fatvalanche hits Storm by accident. Dropkick knocks Abyss outside. K-Kwik suplexes Sheriff Pony up into a Stunner on the shoulder. 1, 2, Jeff saves, but the Deadlies come in to brawl. Jeff goes after his gee-tar and waits on Killings... SPLITZ under El Kabong! GORE by Rhino!!! Here's Abyss... Black Hole Slam for Rhino! But Truth Cactus Clotheslines him to the floor. Raye's in to jab on Jarrett. Flip, flop, fly, indicating one's crotch, Bionic Elbow. 24th Century Killing Machine. Scoop slam, and it's time to find out Whazzup with Jeff attracting all the hot bitches. So Gail leaps onto Buh Buh's back amusingly. Chucked down hard by the hair. So now we've got back-to-back Whazzups, with Jackie holding Gail's legs and Buh Buh holding Jeff's. And they rub asses. That is totally gross. Killings with the legdrop to Gail's vagina while Devon headbutts Jarrett's groin. DEVONNN. He's going to pass the buck to Jackie via shovery, but he's like "Whoops, almost touched your breasteses," haha. LEAVE THEM THANGS ALONE. "Get The Tables" is said, but Abyss returns to clothesline both Deadlies down. CHOKE ON JACKIE!!! Going up with a gratuitous panty shot, but Devon saves with crotch uppercuts for Abyss. DEADLY DEATH DROP!!! Harris is back to axehandle Devon down while Buh Buh fights Storm. Devon takes a full-nelson slam right before Raye eats the Sheriff Ponykick! Calling the Nintendo Death Sentence on Brother Devon... nailed it! But Killings dukes it out with AMW. Storm whacks him, and the handcuffs are out. So there's a big handcuffing party in the corner, after which Killings and Storm walk away really proudly and Harris ends up being the one that's handcuffed! Hahaha. YOU DRUNK. Harris tried to walk out, as well, but he did a "Whoa, handcuffed" double-take. Storm realizes what happened right before eating the twisty Axe Kick. You're so cute when you're slurring your speech, but they're closing the bar, and they want us to leave. 1, 2, NOOOOO some douche pulled the referee out. Which douche, I'm not sure yet. Jarrett. So K-Kwik planchas him to death. Rolled in, kick, trying the Pedigree, but Jarrett backdrops out of it. Stroke coming up, but Killings smacks him. Off the ropes, tripped up by Handcuffed Harris, and THERE'S The Stroke. 1, 2, 3. Leprechaun Douche's Sign: "STROKE ME, I'M IRISH." Replays of things. Harris: "You got the Dream Team here!"

Promo for April's PPV, which puts the block down on Lockdown. All matches in the cage again, I guess.

Jarrett hits the announce position and bitches about Sting. Taking a stand on the table and calling him out. "BORING" chant, lol. Jeff's giving Sting until the count of ten. If he doesn't show by then, he's a quitter. Countdown begins. Jarrett lies down in the ring for some reason, and it's mildly hilarious.

Sting should just pounce on top of him from the rafters, period. Here comes The Stroke of Ten. Nothin'. "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! AH HAVE BEEN PROVEN RIGHT!" REURR REURR. Time to set his sights on the World Title.

Ultimate X package.

Jorash is backstage with Joey Jo-Jo, who has an adorably cartoonish skull drawn on his wrist tape. "...an undefeated streak that some have compared to Bill Goldberg." Oh no you dinnat, because now Joe is l@@king at him. "JB, what you fail to understand is that I've been waiting. Cameraman, look at these eyes. I haven't slept ONE NIGHT since the TNA Championship Committee took my belt from my hands and hung it on that godforsaken contraption. Christopher Daniels, I've waited to kick your head in one more time. AJ Styles, I've waited to took(?) you out one more time. And as for your comparison, JB? With me, it's never about Who's Next... but Who's Left." Uh, Goldberg isn't Jarrett's mystery man, is he? Now I'm terrified. Tooking people out like Peregrin Took. PIPPIN TO HIS FRIENDS. Friends like Michael Jordan.

Yo, The X-Factors. Yo, I don't care.

I EXIST VERY MUCH IN MY GIANT, MISSHAPEN HEAD v. Big Willie Styles v. Put On My Baby Bib So As Not To Be Sloppy

Hahaha, Christopher Daniels is wearing Ichabod Crane's pajamas. I seem to love him recently, and I don't even know why. Just the gothiness, I guess. Put David Flair in the same role and I'd be down. Off with his headcloth! So crazy. Daniels is 1-1 in Ultimate X, whereas Styles is 1-2. LOSER. Nice hideous yellow ring gear, too. That is, that is, ugly, ugly. One Ring, at least. Here's Joe. West: "You can see the red eyes, the lack of sleep!" So like me. He will take Daniels to Church On Sunday and drown him in the baptismal pool. Telephone!

There's the bell. Daniels and Styles try to go scampering up scaffolds, but Joe chases them down. Stiff forearm and rib kick for AJ. Daniels attacks Joe with forearms. Whip, giant, misshapen head down too soon, so Joe kicks him to hell. Finishing up with a legsweep from behind. AJ's monkeying across the suspended ropes, but he drops down and punches when he sees Joe coming. Whip reversed by Joe, Styles slides through the legs, sweeping roundhouse kick ducked, Joe back suplexes AJ up, then just drops him behind into a faceplant. Daniels does some monkeying of his own. Joe grabs a foot, but Daniels boots him in the top of the head a couple times. Dropped down to throw forearms. Off the ropes and into Joe's overhead belly-to-belly. Joe glances up at the belt forlornly. Trying to awkwardly climb like a fat kid scaling the gym rope at Crazy Murder High, but AJ jumps him. Corner whip reversed, but Joe runs into boots. Sweet, AJ and Daniels go all Nightcrawler and Colossus, as Styles' rolling legsweep on Joe is timed to coincide with Christopher's soaring clothesline. Daniels would probably like that X-Men reference, too. Fucking dork. Now AJ and Daniels square off. Hexagon off. Leapfrog by AJ, Daniels hops over, then thinks he's Mr. Smarty Mans by clinging to the ropes to avoid the nice dropkick, but AJ backflips in mid-air and lands on his feet! Shit. Pause for a beat, and THERE'S the nice dropkick! All fahred up. Spastic boot for Samoan Joe. Styles begins to climb. Pulling himself across, but Daniels is up, as well. Christopher kicks Styles in the face, and they both fall. Daniels up with forearms for Joe. Whip reversed, clothesline ducked, flying enzuigiri is not! Styles meets Joe with a hard thigh kick. Knife-edge chop, forearms. Off the ropes for another forearm smash. To the apron, slingshot spaz forearm! Hugging on Joe, who shoves Styles away. Now AJ charges, gets rolled over Joe's back, and ends up booting Daniels in the head with a scary moonsault! The little guys chop each other outside, but Joe's building up a head of steam... PORKY CORKSCREW PLANCHA!!! They dead.

Joe starts thinking about the belt again. Up he climbs... monkeying! Daniels flattens Styles in the middle of the ring with the legsweep STO, at which point Joe takes a tumble. Daniels pounds away on Joe. Daniels loads Joe up on the turnbuckles and yanks him all the way down with a snapmare slam sort of thing. Whip for Styles, leaping leg lariat, and Daniels is freaking out. You better lie down, 'cause the angels are watching. "FALLEN ANGEL." Whip reversed by Joe, clothesline caught, and Daniels rocks him with an enzuigiri. Running Joe down with a high knee strike! He flops outside, at which point Daniels elects to climb. But AJ whacks him in the back of the knee until he drops down. Snapmare, VICIOUS spine kick! So hard that AJ hurt his fucking leg. Now he's the one who climbs, but Daniels goes up after. Perhaps trying a German suplex off the top rope, but AJ clings to the scaffold. Back elbows to stagger Daniels. AJ climbs way up the scaffold and drops down into a sunset flip powerbomb on Daniels! Tenay: "*girl scream*!" Replay. Hard landing. "TNA." Styles is headed for the belt. All the way out there, but Joe yanks him down into a cringeworthy inverted atomic drop. Off the ropes, sailing dropkick, big fat fatty senton splash! Styles had this hilarious, slack-jawed, "Oh My God I Am Dead" look on his face the whole time. Now Joe charges Daniels in the corner with the high knee. Facewash! Boot, boot, boot, off the ropes, finishing kick! Joe leans on the ropes and chills out. "THIS IS AWESOME." Joe's out in search of chairs. Sitting Daniels down for the guardrail facewash, or more accurately, the Olay Kick. Here comes the charge, but HOLY SHIT Styles just launches himself off the apron at a dead run, leading with his forearm and tackling Joe HARD! OLAY, YA FAGGET. Replay. Styles heads back inside and tries to climb. Attempting to hop up to the ropes, but he slips right off. West blames sweat, but maybe it's because his just broke his arm on Joe's fat. Charging the champ in the corner, but Joe catches him and dumps him into a uranage! "JOE JOE JOE." Tossing that chair in and putting it on the mat. "JOE'S GONNA KILL YOU." Muscle Buster being prepared, but Daniel's back to move the chair. He clubbers Joe before AJ can be taken up. Forearms, but they make Joe go Thousand Hand Slap crazy. Daniels weathers it, ducks a few, and throws a flurry of punches to the ribs. Plowing Joe into the corner for shoulder charges. Loading Joe up, then glancing at his hand in preparation for a big Judo thrust, but Joe leans back, does the Rockaway, and applies the rear naked choke! AJ comes flying in and breaks the Kokina Clutch with a dropkick to the head, which Joe sells with a nice blankly unconscious expression. Styles goes up after him, but Joe comes to life. Headbutting him down. OOH, Daniels is back to rock Joe's jaw with that big slap after all. The champ is listing. Daniels and Styles share a glance, deciding to work together... pulling Joe down into a DOUBLETEAM MUSCLE BUSTER!!! Holy crap. "TNA." Replay.

Styles is the first to punch the other dude right in the face. Daniels responds in kind. Trading shots until Daniels throws a kneelift. Knife-edge chop. Whip, clothesline ducked, Daniels gets hands up to block the roundhouse spin kick, but Styles goes the other way and nails him with an enzuigiri! OH GOD THE PELE! West: "Oh, I love that move!" Tenay: "Well, ya love it so much..." WHY DON'TCHA MARRY IT??? Replay. AJ drunkenly crawls his way over to climb. Chants for various people as Styles makes his way across. FUCK, Joe wields that chair and swings for the fences across AJ's exposed back! And down he goes. Joe wants to kill AJ more, but he's dead weight, so Joe is upset. Daniels comes running to dropkick the chair into Joe's face! He's headed up for the title... grapevining the rope with his legs and shimmying across. He's in the crotch of the ropes, and he's got the belt loose... DROPS DOWN! SAY WHAAAAAAAAT??? Daniels loses his shit, and that was completely out of nowhere and unexpected. And sort of cool. Did Joe just leave immediately? I think Larry Zbyszko is about to get babyfied. We're playing up that Joe is still undefeated since he's never lost in one-on-one competition. Not pinned, did not submit. Replays of things. Post-Match, AJ offers the Hand Of Friendship? Accepted. Oh, Joe's still out there, he's just wrecking shit apart. Upending the steel steps. Hey Joe, Daniels has all your shit.

Well, he's going to die pretty soon.

Borash is with Christian Cage. Stop talking, Jeremy. Christian's not 100%. Could he be the underdog? "What else is new, I got my ass kicked? What else is new? You're still takin' fashion tips from Ryan Seacrest, what else is new?" I get my ass kicked all the time, it doesn't matter... I got my ass kicked on my way to the arena three times today, I don't care! I've made a living out of my gettin' my ass kicked! In fact, I'll go one better. I take the best ass-kicking in this business!" If Monty wants respect, he's going to have to bust his ass for it. Peep Zone, not Serengeti, and Christian Cage is The Pride Of The Peeps. Monty's record in championship matches is going to be the same as his record in Super Bowls. "WINLESS!" Oh snap. How he rolls.

Monty/Christian package.

Tale Of The Tape for the title match. And Bullet Points. Don't care.

Standing In The Alpha Beta Parking Lot v. Working The "I'm A Huge Pussy!" Gimmick

Entrances, kissyfingers, lookin' for shit. Some fan turned a box of Cap'n Crunch into a box of Cap'n Charisma, which is mildly cute. With marshmallow Peep bits, I hope. Borash with the ring announcing, Earl Hebner as referee. Monty sniffs ropes. Borash, on Christian: "From Toronto, by way of Tampa, Florida!" That's a neat trick. Christian's working some rib tape. Lessons learned during his time spent as DDP's Big Bad Booty Disciple. Earl Hebner checks everyone for foreign objects from Africa/Canada. Kiss for the title, then handed off. "Let's Go People." And go we will.

Lockup, no, Christian goes behind for a waistlock. Monty backs him into the corner. Clean break? Yeah, but Monty piefaces him on the way out. Going for another grapple, but Christian spins behind again to apply a hammerlock. To a side headlock, trying to whip Christian off, but he maintains it. Rib shots put a stop to it pretty effectively. Christian gets whipped off, at which point Brown floors him with a shoulderblock. Recuperating in the corner is Christian. Test Of Strength offered by Christian? He gets one of Monty's hands and promptly starts kicking him. Whip, but Monty won't go. He whips Christian, but Cage slides through the legs. Knife-edge chops delivered until Monty knees the ribs. Chop of his own, then launching Christian over the top. Following outside to clubber and punch. Working the ribs, then pitched over the barricade. Christian gets beaten up as they wade through the crowd. Head to some stairs, but Christian fights back. Backing Monty down the steps until he throws another shot to the midsection. Christian still fights, shoving Brown back over the guardrail. Rolled in, where Christian boots the head. Punching and chopping in the corner, but Monty turns things around and cuts loose. General brawling, which Christian gets the better of. Brown chucks him through the ropes. Into the guardrail again. Driving the ribs into the steel. Monty grabs a chair, but it whacks a scaffold when Christian moves. Sting can now be found in Monty Brown's hands. Christian takes him back in and goes topside... flying axehandle gets met with a fist to the ribs, which sends Christian flippin'. They battle on the apron, punches for chops. Christian gets a little head-start on a charge, but Monty launches him WAY UP into a rib-first crash landing on the floor!

Brown hotshots the injured area on the railing. Kicking the ribs. Kidney punch, hard chops. Straight right hand to the jaw. Back in, where the crowd rallies for Christian a little. Into the corner, whipped out, hitting chest-first, then turning around into Monty's HARD clothesline. 1, 2, no. Monty wrings the arm and punches the ribs. Corner whip, shoulder charges to the ribs. Keeping Christian in the corner for a kneelift. He fires back with a serious of chops, but Monty keeps it coming. Hanging Christian up on the top rope with a forward suplex. Christian gets whipped from one side of the apron to the other, smashing the ribs into the turnbuckles. Crowd gets their clap on as Monty covers for two. This is pretty methodically boring. Rabbit punches to the side of the head because Monty Brown hunts even the smallest of game. He locks in an abdominal stretch. Christian gets some energy going, but Monty whacks the ribs. Christian back elbows his way to freedom, then hits the ropes and gets turned inside-out by a kneelift. 1, 2, no. Monty hits the ropes for a kneelift and gets two more. Christian tries to fight back with shoulder charges. Punching from his knees, then up and slapping. Corner whip by Monty, but Christian fends a charge off. To the middle rope to attempt a tornado DDT, but Brown tosses him off to land on the ribs. 1, 2, no. Replay. Christian throws more chops from his knees. Whip, trying a backdrop or something, but Christian comes down and sticks Monty with a DDT. Sleepytime. Christian's up and slumped in the corner. Here comes Monty, but Christian puts a knee up. Off the ropes, clothesline ducked, backswing ducked, and Christian knocks Monty down. Clothesline, but a kneelift puts a stop to that shit. Hard shots to gut. Scampering around, maybe in preparation for The Pounce, but Christian meets Monty with a leaping leg lariat! 1, 2, no.

Christian's going for the ten-punch countalong in the corner, but Monty quickly shoves him down. Christian's persistent, as he goes back to it. Shoved down again, but Christian grabs Monty, weakens him with knees, and hits a weird bulldoggish version of The Stroke. The champ's headed up top... dopey little frog splash misses! Boy, that was dumb. Monty traps Christian in sort of a grounded abdominal stretch. Crowd rallies for Christian until he can punch his way out. Into mounted punching, but Monty shoves him off. Kick to the rips, gorilla pressed, dropped abdomen-first across the turnbuckles. Clubbing away is Big Montana. He scales the turnbuckles and applies a bearhug up there. Christian attempts to headbutt his way out. Monty finally does fall, and Christian's still up there... dropping down into a senton splash! 1, 2, no. Christian waits on Monty... Hooked for the Unprettier, but Brown spins him out into Last Call Of The Wild position... launched up from there into the Alpha Bomb! 1, 2, NO! Scooped up for the actual fallaway slam this time, but Christian slips behind. Arms hooked, but Monty shoves Christian into the ropes. Fireman's carry, swung into a DDT! 1, 2, Christian kicks out. Monty bashes Christian's face into the mat. More punching from the knees as Christian fights up. Whip, no, reversed, off the opposite ropes, but a quick little kick to the bridge of the nose stops The Pounce. Christian hits the ropes, caught, trying another Alpha Bomb, but Christian drops down, hooking a swing and getting both arms... UNPRETTIER! 1, 2, 3. That was rather boring. Replays, then REURR REURR. SPACE INVADERS ROLL IN PACKS.

Jeff: "Christian Cage, I came here tonight to do three things, and I've already done two of 'em. One, I won the war. Number Two, I proved to the entire wrestlin' industry that Sting, Steve Borden, is a quitter. And now, Number Three, is... I wanna reclaim what you stole from me last month. I'm gonna make you a transitional champ just like your brother was up north!" Haha, Jarrett's awesome. "I want my rematch, and I want it now." Christian says something about Jarrett promising to retire if he loses the match. "Hey, Jarrett, it's pretty convenient how you come out here after I just finished whippin' Monty's ass Brown... Monty Asses'... Monty Ass?" I didn't know you defeated Billy Gunn. "See, I got so beat up I don't even know what I'm talkin' about. I JUST FINISHED KICKIN' SOME ASS, HOW ABOUT THAT?" Christian would give Jeff a shot, but his hands are tied. Although he can still kick Jeff's "stupid ass" unofficially, so they fight. Monty returns to the ring to make it two-on-one. Double whip, double clothesline ducked, Christian's flying double clothesline is not! Going after Jeff, but Abyss hits the ring to turn the tide. Rhino runs out to try and make the save. This man, he simply cares too much. Beating some ass, but the Invaders are out in force to regain control. BREAK IT DOWN ONE TIME, RHINO.

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

AMW, Team Canada, Shelley. The latter of which is mostly concerned with just filming shit. Abyss gives Shock Treatment to Christian. Harris has the handcuffs as the crowd chants for Sting. Christian's cuffed amongst the ropes so that Jarrett can give him some belt whippings. Harris gets a turn, as well. And D'Amore! Roode! Abyss! Jeff again! This is funny! Tenay: "His back is turning all different kinds of colors!" D'Amore again, repeatedly! The Minister! Storm puts the badmouth on him as Jeff wields his guitar, but CHRISTIAAAN, CHRISTIAAAN finally emerges from the crowd as Steve Borden, Concerned Family Man. Punching Jarrett to death. Look at Eric sidling around in terror. Steve whups all the Invaders with Sting Offense. Inverted atomic drop for Harris! Abyss clotheslined to the floor! Out goes Roode, out goes Storm. Just Sting and Eric. E.Y. puts his dukes up, but Sting roars and Young bails. Now Jarrett's all alone. Punch. Sting wants the belt. Tenay: "WHIP HIM! WHIP HIM LIKE A DOG!" He does, and Jeff reacts hilariously every time. Scorpion Deathlock! Jarrett taps out for no reason. Where's your man, Jarrett? Your man, Heidenreich? Oh dear sweet god, it's THE PHEMOMENAL SCOTT STEINER. SILVER AND BLACK BE GETTIN' THE BAND BACK TOGETHER. Take it, Indoor Football League Superstar.

"Heat Forsaken" by E.J. Burke

Cricket chirps abound
As Jarrett smashes one more
Gay silver guitar

So Test's Slave, in his stupid mesh hairnet, pounds on Sting. Belly-to-belly suplex! Push-ups all up in Sting's grillpiece. And now the Space Invaders pick the carcass. T-Bone by Steiner. Big Load, meet Big Poppa Pump. Further beatings. "GOLDBERG" chant, what a bunch of dumbasses. Steiner Recliner applied as Shelley works the zoom. Jeff crawls in and adorably delivers an El Kabong while sitting on his stupid ass. Sweet, he's got the stupid police cop sirens in his music, at least. Badmouthing Mr. Steve, and we're out.

And then the Encore Presentation graphic is brought to us by whatever the fuck this song is, which appears to be about the A/V Club's future pedophilic tendencies.

Final Thoughts: Welcome to ten in the morning. It was good, if only for Shelley/Lethal, International 4-Way, and the Ultimate X.