The Undertaker's Deadjournal





June 25, 4:50 P.M.
Mood: Enlightened


Is it just me, or does D-Von Dudley remind you of a Whammy? I'll be keeping all my bags with dollar signs on them out of his reach, thank you very much.

In case you're wondering, I've just been sitting around all day watching gameshows in my raggedy-ass pajamas. I really need some new ones. Someone's got a birthday coming up in 9 months, as a matter of fact. HINT, HINT, DEAR READERS! Kane once gave me a pair of boxer shorts that said "HOT STUFF". Haha. That Kane.

Speaking of which, who knew he was so bald? I'm glad I got all the hair in the family. And talent. And skin. I keep telling him we should team up again and call ourselves "Booger Red Retard" or something, but he still thinks he's going to get a big singles push as The Really Dirty Guy. I guess it worked for DDP. Until he VENTURED INTO BIG EVIL'S YARD.



June 25, 11:45 A.M.
Currently listening to: Right Said Fred, "I'm Too Sexy"


Droz called me up this morning all depressed and shit about being a cripple. I was already in a really bad mood because the stupid ass old broad on The Price is Right couldn't get the wheel all the way around, so I yelled "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR DEALING DRUGS!!!" and slammed the phone down. In retrospect, that was kinda mean. Maybe I'll make things right by souping up Droz's wheelchair with my spare motorcycle engine. It catches fire a lot.

Bob Barker keeps trying to convince me to cut off my dogs' junk. I hate this show. Sometimes I wish I had really long arms so I could give the whole world a stab.



June 25, 12:27 A.M.

You are The Undertaker
You are The Undertaker

Which WWE Wrestler are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Fuckin' A.



June 24, 5:29 P.M.
Mood: Poetic


"Necrophiliac" is such an ugly word. I prefer "corpsefucker"!



June 23, 3:26 P.M.
Mood: Annoyed


So I went to see "The Italian Job" the other day, assuming it would be all about me squashing the F.B.I. No such luck. I must be a glutton for punishment, because I later rented "Taking Care of Business" under the same pretenses. It was just some bullshit movie with that unfunny Belushi brother. I forget his name. You know who I'm talking about. The one I didn't kill. He went to a baseball game or something. I like baseball because I'm from Texas.

That reminds me, the Smackdown crew is organizing a softball team to take on the gang from RAW. I'll be playing first base because I'm so fat and lazy. And every time the pitcher throws me four balls, I'm gonna scream "DEAD MAN WALKING!!!" Haha. I am SO cool.



June 23, 1:41 P.M.
Currently listening to: Charlie Daniels Band, "The Devil Went Down To Georgia"


This song is complete bullshit. Satan would never lose a fiddlin' contest. He'd never be caught dead in Georgia, either. The WCW taint is all over that state.

And speaking of fiddlin', I caught that quote/unquote "mailman" fiddlin' with my bike again. I guess you don't need to say quote/unquote when you're actually typing in the quotes. Anyway, the asshole was within a 70-mile radius of my yard, so I gave him the Last Ride onto a pile of dead birds Kane shot down with his magic pyrotechnic powers.



June 22, 6:43 P.M.

I am a knife!
what kitchen utensil are YOU?

You bet your ass I am.



June 22, 8:11 A.M.
Mood: Bouncy


Somebody told me Air Bud's playing volleyball now??? This I gotta see!



June 21, 2:32 P.M.

BearerMcCheez: HAT THE HELL?
BearerMcCheez: HEKLLO?>
BearerMcCheez: IS THISD THE UNDER TALKER?
OldSchool666: What?
BearerMcCheez: ARE YOIU THE UDNER TAKERT??:
OldSchool666: Uh, yeah.
BearerMcCheez: HOW DO YOU WORk this devil machin e?
OldSchool666: Paul, is that you?
BearerMcCheez: y7es
OldSchool666: Haha, what the hell are you doing?
BearerMcCheez: i'm surfingh the int5ernet
BearerMcCheez: but i don't[ know nhow
BearerMcCheez: heLP
OldSchool666: Antichrist, Paul. Just push the buttons.
BearerMcCheez: MY FVINGERS ARE TOOO FAT
BearerMcCheez: OHHHHHH NOOOOOOO(
OldSchool666: Calm down already.
OldSchool666: What are you trying to do?
BearerMcCheez: I WAN T INFROMATYION ABOUT% DELICIUOUS PIES ANDD CAKES
BearerMcCheez: DO I JUSat type in pies and cakles or whaT?
OldSchool666: Yes, Paul, you type in "pies and cakes".
BearerMcCheez: PIESX AND CAKES
BearerMcCheez: PIES AND CAZKes
BearerMcCheez: pies and cakes
BearerMcCheez: it's notr working
BearerMcCheez: ohhhhhh nooooooo09
OldSchool666: I was being sarcastic, you tard.
OldSchool666: Man.
BearerMcCheez: my e-=mail machine3 made a noisze
BearerMcCheez: it must haVE A VIRUS
BearerMcCheez: I"M GETTIN G OFF BEFORE ITS TOO L:ATE
BearerMcCheez: SFFSJEOWL:@:@
BearerMcCheez has logged off.

Unholy shit. Old people are so lame. Except for me, of course!



June 20, 5:15 P.M.
Mood: Recovering


Sorry I didn't check in yesterday, but I was feeling a little under the weather. I hope it's not that monkeypox. DDP probably gave it to me. He says "monkey" all the time.

Anyway, I went to Applebee's with Nathan Jones today. I kept screaming "THAT'S NOUGHT A KNOIFE" as he was cutting his steak fajitas. Haha. He shot me in the arm.

Nathan's a good guy. Reminds me of a young Undertaker, what with the propensity for stabbing and lack of talent and being from Australia and all. I'm hoping Show sees me with him and gets jealous. I'll let you know how it goes.



June 18, 9:02 P.M.
Mood: Amused by my own antics


DEAD MAN BLOGGING! LOL!

Haha, pretty funny, right? I wish I could take credit for it, but I can't. Sara thought of it. I laughed so hard I forgot to stab her.



June 18, 4:50 P.M.

Show won't stop calling. Son of a bitch. He must know that I discovered his hairy little secret. He's all "Aw, baby, it ain't like dat", but I kicked him to the curb.

I know I can't stay mad at him, though. I'm so weak. I hate myself.

But enough about my troubles. Have you guys been keeping up with Kane's dumbass antics on RAW? I guess it's good to see him showing some fire for once. Emotional fire, not the kind that burned his wiener. Still, he better not get another title reign before the Deadman does. Maybe I'll go over there and win the WCW title as Mean Mark and give everybody the heart punch and shit.



June 17, 1:22 P.M.
Mood: Foiled


They just ate the pizzas. Curses.

My life is a lie.



June 17, 12:55 P.M.
Currently listening to: Gerardo, "Rico Suave"


Haha! I totally got those fuckers back. I called up Pizza Hut and was like "DURRRR MY NAME IS ALBERT AND I REQUEST THE DELIVERY OF 100 PINEAPPLE AND ONION PIZZAS. I WILL CONSUME THEM AT MY FAG PARTY. FOR FAGS." A-Train's gonna see all those pizzas and it'll BLOW HIS FUCKIN' MIND!



June 17, 12:31 P.M.
Mood: Crushed


I can't believe this. I cannot fucking believe this. So I went back to the carnival like we had planned, right? And who, of all people, do I find the Big Show sharing his ice cream with? A-TRAIN. What a fucking hypocrite. You know he's only doing it to hurt me. It's like he pulled my still-beating heart right out of my chest. And not in the good, Satanic way, either. I really thought Show had changed this time, but I guess I can't be too surprised. Why must I be so naive?

I suppose I can't pin the blame entirely on Show, though. That Albert is a bitch. Sure, he SAYS he loves you, but all he's really after is your sweet, sweet ice cream. Whore.

As you can imagine, I ran all the way home in tears, stobbing only to stab a couple toddlers. But now I feel my sorrow turning to FURIOUS, FURIOUS ANGER. THEY'RE GONNA PAY!



June 16, 11:40 P.M.
Mood: Elated


Oh Satan, that was so fuckin' great. Me and Show rode the ferris wheel! And it got stuck at the top! And just as I was mustering the courage to put my arm around him, Show's massive girth caused the whole thing to tip over! It was HILARIOUS. I guess a lot of people were crushed to death. Life's funny that way.

As you'd expect, we spent most of our time in the designated snacking area. Show ate an elephant ear. And if you think I'm talking about the fried pastry, you don't know Show. Haha, that rhymes. Like those one commercials that would be all "SHOW KNOWS FOOTBALL" and shit. Remember? Yeah. Anyway, I still haven't come down from the sugar high. I bought an assload of cotton candy and put it on my head like a pink afro or some shit! It was crazy!

And unholy shit! Mideon was there! He almost saw me, but I closed up the little hoodie thing on my sweatshirt just in time. It was a close one. They didn't have that balloon-popping game, but Show won a pet rabbit at the ring toss! We each ate half.

We're gonna try and go back tomorrow. I'm so excited that I doubt I'll be able to sleep! Not that zombies need sleep. Maybe I'll go burn off the excess energy by disemboweling Nunzio with a pizza cutter.



June 16, 1:32 P.M.

ShowMeThe$$$: TAKKER
ShowMeThe$$$: HEY TAKER U THERE
OldSchool666: What the hell do you want?
ShowMeThe$$$: SORREY ABOUT B4
ShowMeThe$$$: I GET A LITTLE CRAZEY WHEN I HAVENT EATEN 4 A FEW MINUTES
OldSchool666: Go away. You'll just hurt me again.
ShowMeThe$$$: NUH UH
ShowMeThe$$$: DONT B LIKE THAT
ShowMeThe$$$: UR TEH 1 WHO WAS TALKIN BOUT MY MOM 'N SHIT
OldSchool666: Yeah, you're right.
OldSchool666: Sorry.
ShowMeThe$$$: IT KOO
OldSchool666: So you put your fist through another monitor, didn't you?
ShowMeThe$$$: YEH LOL
OldSchool666: You're retarded, Show.
ShowMeThe$$$: I KNOW
OldSchool666: How'd you get back online?
ShowMeThe$$$: I STOLE A NEW COMPUTER FROM BRADDSHAW
ShowMeThe$$$: HE WAS LIKE "I NEED THIS 4 STOCK BROKING" AND I WAS LIKE "SO DO I" AND HE WAS LIKE "U DO NOT" AND I WAS LIKE "AHHHHHHHHHTHECHOAKSLAM!!!!!"
OldSchool666: Huh.
OldSchool666: So you still wanna go to the carnival with me?
ShowMeThe$$$: DUDE I TLOD U I CANT
ShowMeThe$$$: MY MOMS RIGHT UPSTAIRS
OldSchool666: Chokeslam her.
ShowMeThe$$$: NO WAY
ShowMeThe$$$: SHES MY MOM
OldSchool666: So? I killed my mom.
OldSchool666: Or Kane did.
OldSchool666: One of us did.
OldSchool666: So are you gonna come or not?
OldSchool666: Because I'm calling A-Train if you won't go.
ShowMeThe$$$: NO WAY DONT GO W/ ALBERT
ShowMeThe$$$: HES A TOTAL SLUT
OldSchool666: At least he likes me.
ShowMeThe$$$: I LIEK U
OldSchool666: Not enough to go.
OldSchool666: You're just afraid I'll whip your ass at that game where you pop balloons with darts, aren't you?
ShowMeThe$$$: NUH UH
ShowMeThe$$$: ILL POP ALL THE BALOONS IN THE WORLD MOTHERFUCKER
OldSchool666: You can't hold a candle to my dart throwing skillz.
ShowMeThe$$$: OH ITS ON NOW BITCH
ShowMeThe$$$: ILL C U AT THE CARNIVAL
ShowMeThe$$$ has logged off.

Booyah. Gotta go.



June 16, 11:08 A.M.

OldSchool666: Hey, bro.
ShowMeThe$$$: HEY
ShowMeThe$$$: WHAT UP
OldSchool666: The carnival's up, bitch!
OldSchool666: We gotta get down there.
ShowMeThe$$$: UM... I DUNNO TAJKER
ShowMeThe$$$: TAKER
OldSchool666: Why not? You'll fit in the sidecar. We'll just apply a little Crisco like last time.
ShowMeThe$$$: NO ITS NOT THAT
ShowMeThe$$$: ITS MY MOM
ShowMeThe$$$: SHE THINKS UR A BAD INFLEUNCE OR SOMETHING
OldSchool666: WTF?!? I'LL KILL THE BITCH!
ShowMeThe$$$: SHE'S REALY MEAN
ShowMeThe$$$: SORRY
OldSchool666: This is total bullshit. What did she say about me?
ShowMeThe$$$: SHE SAYS U CHEW TOBACKO
ShowMeThe$$$: AND MOTORCYCLES ARE DNAGEROUS
ShowMeThe$$$: AND U KILLED HER PARROT
OldSchool666: Dude, that parrot had it coming.
ShowMeThe$$$: YEAH U WERE ALL "POLLY WANT A SOUPBONE???" 'N SHIT
OldSchool666: Haha, yeah.
ShowMeThe$$$: BUT ANYWAYS I CAN'T GO
ShowMeThe$$$: SORREY
OldSchool666: So you always listen to your mommy? What a puss.
ShowMeThe$$$: SHUT UP
OldSchool666: You shut up.
ShowMeThe$$$: I GOT HOMEWORK ANYWAYS
ShowMeThe$$$: I HAFTA STUDY SO I CAN BEAT BROCK
OldSchool666: Dude, you know you're never gonna beat Brock.
ShowMeThe$$$: FUCK OFF
ShowMeThe$$$: I'VE BEEN CHAMP BEFOER
OldSchool666: Yeah, and you were curtainjerking title matches with the Bossman.
ShowMeThe$$$: ASSHOLE
ShowMeThe$$$: MY MOM WUZ RIGHT ABOUT U
OldSchool666: Is this the same mom who got knocked up?
ShowMeThe$$$: SHUT UP
OldSchool666: "You're a big nasty bastard, and your momma just said so!"
ShowMeThe$$$: STFU DUDE I'M SERIOUS
ShowMeThe$$$: I TOLD U NOT 2 TALK ABOUT TAHT
OldSchool666: Make me.
ShowMeThe$$$: I WILL
ShowMeThe$$$: ILL STICK MY ARM THRU THIS COMPUTER SCREEN AND CHOAKSLAM U
ShowMeThe$$$: U FUKKER
OldSchool666: Yeah, right.
ShowMeThe$$$: I WILL
OldSchool666: Do it.
ShowMeThe$$$: OKEY HERE I GO U ASKED 4 IT
ShowMeThe$$$: OH JESUS CHRIST THERES LIKE GLASS AND ELECTRICITTY IN HERE
ShowMeThe$$$ has logged off.

This is the object of my affections? What am I doing with my life?



June 16, 6:49 A.M.
Currently listening to: Aretha Franklin, "Respect"

What up, foo's? I just found out that the carnival's gonna be in town ALL WEEK! I'm TOTALLY asking Show to go with me. w00t!



June 15, 9:56 P.M.
Mood: Melancholy

Sometimes I wish I was a father. I mean, I have my minions and all, but it's just not the same. I'd make a good dad. I've been practicing on the dogs. Changing their diapers and everything.

Kids are great. You can mold them in your own Satanic image, and if anything goes awry, you can always just eat them. I bet children sired by the Lord of Darkness would taste really good. Like cool ranch, or maybe sour cream 'n onion.

It's just a pipe dream, though. Sigh. Sara had to have her tubes tied when I stabbed her in the uterus. Now if only she could get her BIG FAT MOUTH tied! Am I right, fellas???



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