So I guess Nash ate too many wienerschnitzels or something at the Bound For Glory Fan Fest and was rushed to the hospital. Oh brother, Big Kev. I have a sore throat and I'm fucking toughing it out. I paid good, hard money for this PPV with the understanding that I would get to see Kevin Nash knock planet Jarrett out of orbit with his Lazy Beam, and I demand to be reimbursed!!!!!

Heh.

I hope Hurricane John Cena's Wife doesn't wreck up Universal Studios or something. Unless it were to tragically kill all three members of 3 Live Kru. And The Billy Gunn, as well. Throw a shoe at it, Konnan. Hit it in the eye.

Here we go. Tenay welcomes us to Universal Studios, where the Space Invaders reign supreme. Sign: "THANK YOU FOR THE WRESTLING." Haha, that's adorable.

Earlier Today, Jarrett's shuttle commenced docking procedures. In the aft end. Anal. Gail's filing her nails with a comically large file. Those Asian ladies know a thing or two about cuticle care. Jeff's going to put somebody in a casket tonight and have another funeral. Maybe his dad can help him! Storm sits atop the limo and gets drunk. JJ tells him to wait for a corpse to be placed in the coffin prior to pissing on it.

PLZ "SHELL OUT" FOR THIS PPV v. A Back Killed My Entire Family v. Baby Birds Live In My Beard v. Bollywood Bulk Bogan

AUSTIN EYRIES, GET IT? EH? EH? Be quiet. Man, this is going to rock 31 flavors of ass. Take heed, Shark Boy. 30 minute countdown to Bound For Glory. What the hell is that shirt supposed to signify, Shelley? A creepily smiling letter C(?) with cat eyes. "Here Is The Steeple" pose. Where the hell did Roderick Strong come from? The camera was zooming in on the Tits 'N Ass Tunnel, then they just cut away and found him walking somewhere. For someone with a badass Sun Quan beard, Austin Aries sure has some gay synthesizer music. DOO DOO-DOO DOO DEE DOO. There are only like three pieces of good music in TNA, and Sonjay has one of them. It charms all the lady snakes right out of their underpants. On Whacking Day. Dutt, dancing The Sprinkler already: "WAAAAAAAH." Okay.

Tenay tells us that Nash wasn't cleared to wrestle. He's in the hospital after dialing 911 because he'd fallen and he didn't feel like getting up. I pulled some strings and managed to obtain a record of that call. It may shock you. The faint of heart should take this opportunity to turn away and bury their faces in their hands and weep openly.

Telephone: "*NWO Wolfpac Ringtone*"

911 Dispatcher: "Please state the nature of the medical emergency."

Kevin Nash: "YOU KNOWWWWWWWW....

Yeah, that's as far as I'm going with that. There's the bell. Shelley once wrestled The Captain Of Canada, so he decides that he is in charge. He declares that everybody shoot Onesies, Twosies. I never understand how that works, but Alex and Roderick win somehow. They start. GET OUT, CRUMB BUMS. Austin should shave his beard and put it on Sonjay's head. Shelley casts an imaginary Fishing "Rod" and reels Strong in. "Let's Go Rod-rick" contends with "Al-ex Shel-ley." Test Of Strength to begin, but I guess Alex realized he shouldn't do that with somebody named "STRONG" because he spun out to a top wristlock. Strong counters with armwringin', but Shelley rolls around to reverse. He takes out a leg gently and drops down to apply an STF. Released in favor of a front chancery. Crowd: "WE WANT SON-JAY!" Shelley: "WELL YOU'RE NOT GETTIN' HIM!" Please phrase it in the form of a chant. "Aus-tin Ar-ies" gets some play alongside the Sonjay one. TNA fans will chant anything. COOK SOME TA-TERS. Shelley and Rod with some more of that "wrestling" that the fans are so appreciative of. Armbar by Strong, but Shelley does the somersault/kip-up reversal to armdrag free. Then he makes the Crane pose. He's not Asian, Alex Shelley. GAIL KIM I'M NOT ASIAN, PERSONALLY. Strong gives way to Dutt. "SPRINKLER" chant. LAWN GNONE, LAWN GNOME. Stupid chants. Test Of Strength again, but Shelley trips him up and forces the arms down for two. The standard Rey Misterio Test Of Strength kippery ends with Sonjay standing on Alex's shoulders and moonsaulting back to his feet. Alex charges and manages a sidewinding armdrag. He takes a moment to mark out for himself and gets enzuigiri'd in the face. Sonjay holds Alex's hand and does the Old School Sprinkler Walk. Coming down with a chop to the head. Off the ropes, but Shelley snaps off a mule kick. He mocks the dance all like "YEAH SPRINKLE THIS HADJI SIM-SIM-SALA-BIM." Off the ropes, Sonjay ducks a clothesline and gets a headscissors. Off the ropes, hiptoss attempt, but Dutt's legs hit the ropes before he bounds back to his feet. Hiptoss by Sonjay, Alex boots him away, and Dutt kips up. Indian Respect. Shelley wants a handshake, but then he just backhands the motherfucker in the face. And now would be a good time to run away. Alex dives back in to nail a front dropkick off the ambush. Tag to Strong, clothesline ducked, he chucks Sonjay up, who comes down in wheelbarrow suplex position and hooks a forward armdrag. Backdrop by Rod, but Dutt lands on his feet, rolls clear, off the ropes, leapfrog by Strong, extra-tilty tilt-a-whirl headscissors by Sonjay! 1, 2, no. "TNA" chant.

Strong fires back with a knee to the ribs. Knife-edge chops. Whip, Dutt slides through the legs, and Aries tags in by smacking Strong's back as he comes off the ropes. Rod gets felled by Dutt's dropkick before Aries slingshot sentons onto him. Hard clothesline for Sonjay, spastic jumping elbowdrop on Strong. Shelley breaks the pin. Austin gets dumped to the apron on a corner charge, but he hops right back in and snaps off a back elbow for Rod. Alex runs back in and gets heaved into a corner collision with Strong. Dropkick for Shelley, who falls down a lot. Now one for Strong. Aries is ready for a dive of some sort, but Sonjay tags him when he hits the rope. Dutt's like "A THOUSAND APOLOGIES, MY FRIEND." Aries ducks his Tajiri flip and Strong takes the hurricanrana! Delicious Sprinkles of curry powder! West calls him The King Of The Hurricanrana. The Hurricanrajah. "He can do it from the floor! He can do it from the ropes!" He can do it in a chair! He can do it on a bear! The King kneelifts the Messiah. Whip, corner charge sees Dutt flipped to the apron, and poor Alex has to bumble around lest he be caught by Sonjay's feet. Dutt whacks Strong, avoids Shelly's swing, and shoves Alex into the ringpost scaffolding thing. Plop. Uh-oh, Strong has Dutt butterflied in preparation of acting as a religious icon to backbreakers the world over... danglin' on the middle rope, then flipped into a backbreaker on the knee! 1, 2, Aries saves.

Strong's hard chop puts Sonjay down. Back clubber. Kneedrop to the face, 1, 2, no. Alex tags himself in to work Dutt over. Inverted Boston Crab leads to a wacky pendulum hold. Tenay calls it "rocking horse-like." Snuggle Bear on a rocking horse. Shelley drops him to apply an STF full-nelson. Roderick boots Alex in the head to break. Dutt manages to drive Shelley into the corner, where Aries tags in. Shot to Sonjay's back. Snap sidewalk slam, 1, 2, no. Scoop slam, and there's "The Pendulum Elbowdrop" in which he sways one way, then the 'tother. 1, 2, Strong saves. Aries shoves him, which is a tag. Dutt fights back, but Strong pounds him. Taken up in crucifix position, then dropped ribs-first over the shoulder. 1, 2, Shelley very casually measures Strong for a loud spine smack. Rod gets up and chops the shit out of him. Shelley fucking BITCHSLAPS him, and Strong reciprocates. Alex is all "Yeah, I think I'll leave now." Strong drives Dutt down and locks in a straitjacket crossface, but Shelley comes in and adds a Figure Four on Roderick! Putting a foot on his head to be extra-annoying! Haha, Aries comes in with a deathlock on Sonjay/bodyscissors on Shelley, and it's a big gay orgy of writhing submissions. Everybody submit on the count of three! That'd be a great finish! "TNA" chant. Everybody lets go. Dutt and Strong pair off, as do Alex and Austin. Trying to whip Sonjay and Shelley into each other, but wacky symmetry ensues as they do-si-do, Austin and Roderick scamper past each other to miss corner charges, Dutt and Shelley hit forearm smashes in the corner, then do a double clothesline spot on each other. Aries and Strong square off with forearms and chops. Austin's dumped to the apron and back elbowed off. Strong charges Shelley, but he catches a boot and drives the point of his elbow right down on the kneecap, ouch. Off the ropes, fireman's carry by Rod, but Alex goes behind, SPITS IN HIS FACE, kick, roundhouse leg lariat! Tornado DDT! Gonna cover, but here comes Dutt with a standing Shooting Star Press! It hits Strong when Shelley evades. Alex breaks that up, then nails what is probably the Shellshock on Strong. Eye Of The Hurricane. 1, 2, Austin's back to save. Fireman's carry on Strong, yell, forward roll slam with an immediate kip-up! But Sonjay dropkicks him right in the knee! Climb-up enzuigiri! Sprinkler's Elbow! Shelley stops the cover with a waistlock, but Dutt escapes with the ASAI DDT! 1, 2, Strong breaks. Chop, whip, Rod swings out to get another fireman's carry... launched WAY up into an Arch Deluxe on the ribs! Western culture is a double-edged sword, Sonjay Dutt. 1, 2, Aries kicks Strong RIGHT in the FACE. BRAINBUSTER! He calls the 450 Splash, apparently, but Shelley prevents it. By getting punched and falling into the barricade. Here's Dutt to shove Austin hard to the floor! Sonjay wants to write for The Hindu Press when he grows up, but Strong "hinders" him by touching his ass. Rod's up for a superplex, but Sonjay dumps him... DRAGON 'RANA!!! 1, 2, 3! Shelley was too late to save.

Why Can't I Get Invited Onto The Peep Show, Oohoohoo? Stands with the new tag champs. And Gail. Footage of AMW defeating The Naturals on Impact. Jesus, I now realize Storm's in a towel. Put some pants on, pardner. Don't want to see your taint. Harris: "Chase Stevens is still at the hospital pickin' glass out of his head!" Roomies with Nash! Storm gets all choked up again about the dead Dudleyz. Gail plays with her hair more than Joey Mercury.

Our hosts are LADIES PLZ CALL ME I'M A GOOD LISTENER and "Commissioner Zbyszko doesn't care about black people." -Donye West. West accessorizes his Bob Orton shirt with a clip-on tie. We see graphics for the important matches. Haha, the Jarrett/Nash one has Guest Referee Tito Ortiz spring up hilariously like a Whack-A-Mole before we place a big question mark over Nash's face. Tenay tells us that Zbyszko has mandated that all TNA wrestlers must remain ready to participate all night in case they get placed in the main event. Tonight's your big night, David Young! West: "Raven just come right out here, obviously he's got a beef!" Uh-oh!

Hey Cassidy Reilly, You Wanna Split This Beef With Me? is accompanied by Is It A Corned Beef?, his "biggest fan." Even bigger than Ravenfan. Raven made a coat out of a Persian rug or something, and he's going to cut one of his big vocabulary word promos. "It is mind-boggling to me than any bureaucratic snafu would allow something so asinine to occur as to allow Larry Zbyszko to rise to power!" Haha, asinine. That's my word, Tony! "Unless of course, he doesn't really have any power, and is merely a Pinnochio being pulled to and fro by unseen hands. Either way, he has my destiny in his hands, and I wouldn't trade this moment for God's balls in a nutcracker." What? Raven calls Zbyszko out. So here's I WISH THE ROBOTIC SHEEP WERE A REAL BOY. In a gay flaming skull shirt. With security. "I was mugged by a Canadian, Death Sentenced by AMW, and practically had my corpse raped by Jarrett in his greed to get his hands on my belt!" Oohoohoo. "Raven and Jarrett, Yes or No?" DO YOU LIKE ME CHECK YES OR NO. Larry beats around the Bush because he doesn't care about black people. He refuses to say anything. "I'm gonna make the decision my way! Not your way!" Not the Con Way! "If I were you, I'd go ride The Mummy!" That sounds... intriguing. Raven can't think of any more hyphenated insults, so he starts choking Zbyszko. Security grabs him, but here's Detroit Fuck City.

"Look at you, Raven! Look at you! Shut my music off!" Uh, it's off, Rhino. "Look at you, Raven! You're not the Raven I knew five years ago! The Raven five years ago woulda knocked the shit out of this man, and each and every man in this ring! What happened, Raven? What happened? Five years ago, you crucified a man! Five years ago, you took a man's family hostage, and you enjoyed every minute of it! What happened, Raven? What happened? Did a girl get to your head, Raven? Did a girl get to your head?" Curse you, Ninja Tori! "You don't deserve that title shot tonight. I deserve that title shot tonight. Why? Why don't you deserve it, Raven? Because you're PATHETIC!" Raven attax, but security pries them apart. Reilly decides, "Hey, this would be a great time to stand here like a dope and do the Raven pose!" GOAR GOAR GOAR!!! Crowd chants "One More Time" and gets another one, not that the camera saw it.

Shane's with The Phenomenal Frodo, who wears the One Ring on a chain around his neck. That's pretty weird. Ha, one of those high school motivational posters with the nature scenes is posted back there. "ACTION." Total Non-Stop. Douglas brings up sports rivalries in which you can't get over the hump against a certain team. Is Daniels the Patriots to AJ's Colts? AJ-2-Marvin. Styles never thought about it that way. He puts it in terms of Georgia vs. Florida. Doesn't really go anywhere from there.

Final card rundown before the pay portion. Tenay, on Monster's Ball: "Weapons not only allowed, but they're encouraged!" You're doing a great job, baseball bat. Keep it up. West: "If there's small children in the house, when Monster's Ball comes on, make sure they leave the room!" Lock them in a closet like the little monsters that they are. "There will be things that will make your stomach cringe! There'll be things that might make you have to make a trip to the bathroom!" Heh.

Earlier Today, some Samoan fire-dancers were getting funky in the fucking parking lot in preparation for the Samoa Joe match. I hope Joe got plenty of wrest in preparation for this big match. Maybe he and Chris Sabin split the cost of a Tent. And here's FINALLY... DE JUSH... HAS COME BACK... TO A-MER-I-CUHHHH wandering a fucking hallway in full regalia. He goes "HWUUUUHHH" and slaps himself on the face and ass and whatnot. It's up next!

Did anybody actually watch that free part? Regardless, here's the start of the actual PPV. Extended commercial of the Crazy Daishiki Man package. Heh, Nash powerbombs Jarrett onto a hollow guitar.

I Frequently Eat At Joe's v. LIGER WOODS Y'ALL S'ALL GOOD Y'ALL

Joe's magical, AAA-style entrance begins with Samoan guys beating woodem drums. He and his back-up dancers do a little footsie hop on the entrance! GO JOE GO JOE IT'S YOUR BIRFDAY. Claps! Patting themselves down! It's become the Samoan Macarena! Ha, there's a big bass drum with a Polynesian flower pattern. Oh man, they're kicking their fucking feet up now and it's Samoan Riverdance! DON'T JUST STAND THERE, MUSCLE BUST A MOVE! Tenay: "HOW'S THAT FOR AN ENTRANCE?!?!??!" Yeah, that was fabulous. Rikishi got served. Not to be outdone, Liger has some rockin' Capcom J-Pop music. People kowtow to him, which I usually only tolerate in the case of Flair, but I'll make an exception in the interest of international relations. The fans toilet paper the ring with streamers. Fuck wrestling, let's just have a game of Dance Dance Revolution. Jushin offers a handshake, but we never see what comes of it because we're looking at president of New Japan, Simon Inoki. He has a system.

Lockup, Fat Joe muscles him down. Lockup, Jushin's shoved into the corner. "LIGER/JOE" chants. Lockup, side headlock by Liger, whipped off, but you ain't gonna be shoulderblockin' Joe. Trying again, and Liger falls all the way down. He pops up all like "Okay, you try it, fatty." Joe hits the ropes and hops over, but Liger tricked him into a drop toehold. Off the ropes, front dropkick to the head. Whip reversed, but Joe puts his head down too soon and gets kicked. Off the ropes goes Jushin, but Joe meets him with a back elbow. He hits the ropes for a charge, but Jushin sidesteps and sends him to the floor. Liger readying a dive of some sort, but he rebounds off the ropes with a handspring when Joe moves. Swingin' on the top rope for a dropkick to the face. Liger's up top... plancha to the floor! Right in front of Inoki. "TNA" chant.

Tenay: "Jushin Thunder Liger. His name, his look, patterned after a cartoon character in Japan. Half-lion, half-tiger." I did not know that. Napoleon Dynamite must be a big fan. Back in, Liger's up top, but Joe catches his crossbody. Chucked up for a Samoan Drop! You know, where Joe's from, they just call that a "Drop." "Joe" chant. Corner whip and a running knee strike to the face by Joe. Snapmare, spine chop, chest kick, off the ropes, big kneedrop to the chest. 1, 2, no. Stop touching his horns, Joe. Rear facelock applied. The Puhfessuh drops more knowledge. Liger was the second-ever WCW Cruiserweight Champion. Liger vs. Pillman was the first match on Nitro. Jushin's up to escape a side headlock with elbows to the gut. Off the ropes and into Joe's deep powerslam! 1, 2, no! "LI-GER" chant as Joe applies a rear chinlock. Jushin elbows out, but Joe swings out of a whip to land a kneelift. Tossed into the corner, but another attempt at a knee strike misses. Rolling wheel enzuigiri by Liger! Hooking up a suplex, but Joe is too meaty. TINA, COME GET SOME HAM. So Liger stomps his foot and busts out a fisherman's suplex when Joe lifts his big clodhopper! 1, 2, no! Liger ascends... FROG SPLASH! 1, 2, no! Jushin calls for palm thrusts, but Joe ducks and whacks him with an enzuigiri. "Joe's Gonna Kill You" to the tune of a little child's "Na-na na-na naa-naah" is pretty stupid. Find a better cadence. Joe loads Liger up on the turnbuckles and pursues, but Liger squirms down and hits a powerbomb! 1, 2, no! West: "Joe got just a little sloppy!" HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE BEEN OVER THIS, JOE??? Liger hits the ropes and whacks Joe with the palm strike! He's wobbly. Again, WHAM, right in the face! A third knocks Joe flat! 1, 2, no! Liger's going topside again, but Joe kicks his leg out of his leg. Scooping him up... MUSCLE BUSTER!!! Joe catches Liger in the rear-naked choke like a delicious salmon. The Kokina Clutch or something. Isn't that a Pokemon? The referee asks if Liger wants to give up, and he's like "I'LL SUBMIT WHEN I WANT! GOSH!" Jushin won't tap, but the arm falls once, twice... thrice. And Master Samoa's still undefeated in the east or west or wherever. VOTE FOR SAMOA JOE. There's the SHAKA BRAH pantomime that I still think looks like an imaginary telephone.

Let's go back to the Bound For Glory Fan Fest, where Kevin Nash contracted hepatitis. Who could pass up a Jeremy Borash autograph?!? Eric Young's wearing a tie with a t-shirt or something.

A couple of dummies are sitting behind Inoki. We learn that they won the male and female portions of the TNA wash-out Gut Check Challenge and will soon begin training at the NJPW Dojo in Los Angeles.

Let's go backstage to see Simon Diamond's stable. Simon's yelling at Young and Primetime for being Six Sides Of Shitty. "I didn't recruit you guys because I thought you were losers!" Really, Simon? Because that sounds like a rock-solid reason for recruiting somebody. Diamond coaches 'em up. Look at those stupid DDP-esque vests.

Diamonds In The Roughage (SHITTY TURDS) v. Finned Friends

The only thing I like about Diamond is his stupid "HMM, YES, I AM THINKING" pose. West: "Don't be surprised, here, Mike, if this team doesn't become a major force in the tag team division." So... I shouldn't be surprised if they fail? Yeah, that sounds about right. What the hell is this, the NWO B-Team portion of the PPV? It's Shark Boy, Apolo, and Sonny Siaki. "DURR DURR RETARDED" pantomime. I wish Apolo would wrestle Eric Young so I could make jokes about Showtime at the Apolo. Sorry, Sonny, I have a limit of one Samoan per PPV. You're terrible, also.

Shark Boy starts with Diamond. Lockup, no, Simon kicks. And punches. Shark Boy fires back with chops until taking a kneelift. Side headlock, whipped off, Shark Boy eats the shoulderblock with his many rows of teeth because he is puny. Throwing some rights until Simon scoops him. Shark Boy slips behind, kicks, and hits a falling facebuster on the knee. Off the ropes, but Diamond cuts him down with a clothesline. 1, 2, no. Dumb crap is said about how Simon Diamond wants to be like Charlie Weis at Notre Dame. Shark Boy's head meets the turnbuckle. Corner clothesline, 1, 2, no. Corner whip, but Diamond rushes into a boot. Shark Boy wants the Dead Sea Drop, but Diamond fights out and beals him off of the turnbuckles. Off the ropes, but Simon's dumb legdrop misses. Uh-oh, Shark Boy has to feed the need... ASSBITE ASSBITE MAHGAWD TASTES LIKE POTATAS!!! Some sour cream would go well with that. Diamond bails before tagging out to Elix. Skipper runs right into a drop toehold. Side headlock by Shark Boy, but Skipper reverses to an armbar. Yanking him down. SB kips up, reverses, and throws a dropkick. Rolling into a tag for Apolo. Waistlock by Skipper, but Apolo reverses. Back elbow from Primetime, who goes up and over before landing a forearm. Apolo grabs him and hits a Diamond Cutter. Apropos. 1, 2, no. Chops by the villain of Final Fantasy Legends or whatever. Corner whip reversed, but Elix "charges" into a "boot." Apolo catches him in a half-nelson pancake. Cover, but Simon's trying to recruit senior official Rudy Charles on behalf of Notre Dame. David Young's up top... flying back elbow on Apolo.

Tag to Young. He and Primetime hook Apolo up for the rolling leglace powerbomb that awesome people do, but that still doesn't make them awesome. Elix whacks Shark Boy before departing. Tag back to him so that he can kick Apolo's arm. Whip reversed, Apolo tries to leapfrog, but Skipper spears him in the thigh and sends him flippin'. Simon, I assume: "COVER 'IM! COVER 'IM! COVER 'IM! COVER 'IM! COVER 'IM! COVER 'IM! COVER 'IM! COVER 'IM!" With airtight strategy like that, it's hard to imagine how your guys manage to lose constantly. Elix Covers 'Im for two. Off the ropes, but Apolo launches Primetime up and hits another Diamond Cutter. Tag to Young, tag to Siaki. Clothesline ducked, punch for Simon, punch for Young, clothesline for Skipper, forearms to the throat for Young, leaping leg lariat for Skipper. Sonny tosses Young up and hits a Samoan drop, but Elix breaks the pin. Shark Boy pitches a fit while Siaki goes chop crazy on Skipper. Corner whip, but Young returns to kick and clubber. Apolo helps out by hitting a fireman's carry Diamond Cutter on Dave. Christ, dude, do you know any other moves? Slow awkwardness ensues as everybody tries to remember their choreography. Skipper finally uses Young's corpse as a step-stool, jumps off Apolo's back, and hits a completely terrible "headscissors" on Siaki. Let's all enjoy a sloppy Manwich. Apolo smacks Young as Shark Boy hits a pescado on Skipper. Diamond tells Young to go jump on the idiots outside the ring, because that always leads to victory! Twisting plancha onto the pile! Haha, Diamond hits his pose like "HMM, YES, I THOUGHT OF THAT." Apolo lies in wait... subparkick! Apolo stole his panties from Tyson Tomko. He decides he's going to jump, as well... no-hands somersault senton onto everybody! But Diamond's out there to ram his head into the ringpost. Assorted brawling as Siaki takes Skipper back in. Uppercut. Whip reversed, and Skipper launches Sonny up pointlessly into David Young's spinebuster. 1, 2, 3. Simon marks out for himself.

Highlights from the pre-show. Raven's probably riding The Mummy right now. All like "WHEE!!!"

Here we see Shane Douglas and Gail Kim waiting for a cue. And now back to the announcers! West: "Rhino calling out Raven, basically telling him he's lost part of his manhood..." Well, he IS Jewish, if you see where I'm going with this. And now back to Shane Douglas and Gail Kim and also Jeff Jarrett!

Why is there an Australian flag on the Assteroid Belt? Shane: "The sharks are linin' up to get a shot at your title!" This ain't EWR, buster. Jeff: "Let's put on the brakes just for a minute!" Mister Data, go to impulse. "Can you believe Kevin Nash? He will go to all lengths to get out from an asswhuppin' from The King Of The Mountain! I mean, he heard that I was gonna have a funeral here tonight for somebody, and what did he do? The wake's been goin' on for ten years! Oh, he checked out way too early." Drunks. Jarrett starts going "*TNA WRESTLER*? SCREW *TNA WRESTLER*!" while Shane giggles at each one. But THERE WILL BE NO SCREWING ON THE SERENGETI!!! Monty: "Say it! Say it to my face, Jeff, say it!" Jeff: "Whaddaya talkin' about, Monty, whaddaya talkin' about, calm down!" Monty: "'Screw Monty,' say it!" Jeff, innocently: "Now why would I say that, Monty Brown, come on!" Hahaha. Monty: "SILENCE!!!" Shane: "*Eric Young face*" Monty: "*sniffing*" Gail: "*Melina face*" Monty smells the fear. He says he's at the top of the Food Chain. Kornheiser and Wilbon are big fans. Jarrett thinks Monty better impress the championship committee in his match against dipshit. Monty: "Don't you worry about that six-foot-nine ticked-off Texan. 'Cause he will be tumultuously taken out! Perpetually POPPED... with THE POOOUN-CUH! PERIOD!"

SCOOBY-DOO CAN DOOT-DOO v. An Uncontrollable Blackie From Africa!!!

God damn it, Fire Emblem just arrived and I'm stuck here with Lance Hoyt and you people. This is already way later and way longer than I'd have liked. I need more Nyquil. Hoyt stomps his feet and pumps his fist like an idiot. I like how Monty always comes out looking confused and disoriented like Kamala. He kind of looks like Wayne Brady. I hope he doesn't have to pounce a bitch. Mmm, tantalizing camera smell. Sign: "ALPHA MALE MORE LIKE BETA FEMALE." Hahahaha, I swear to god I didn't make that up. MORE LIKE BURN. That reads like some half-assed wacky nickname that I'd tack "LOL" onto. Mmm, aromatic ring ropes. Hoyt takes a whiff himself and is all "EWW, SMELLS LIKE DOOT-DOO!"

Lockup, hammerlock by Monty, who pounds the back. Lockup, Monty wrings the arm, fireman's carry takedown, stomp. Punch. I can't tell if that weird dance is mocking Hoyt or just Monty bein' Monty. Hoyt throws his drunk girl punches. Whip reversed, clothesline ducked, flying shoulderblock by Lance. Clothesline. Licking his hand like Trish, for god's sake, then a bitchslap. Clothesline ducked, flapjack-style backdrop by Hoyt. West wonders if Monty is looking past Hoyt because he sucks so much.

Brown goes outside, where he lures Lance into a kneelift. Punch. Only skanky females should have a back tattoo like that. Monty whips him into the steps. Boot to the head. Brown tells some fans to move like he's going to launch Hoyt into their section, but then he just rolls him back inside. IT WAS A CON, PERIOD! Monty: "Shows how stupid you are!" All Monty's sass-talking gets him caught by Lance's wonderful Land On My Head plancha. HOYT HOYT HOYT shut up. Tenay talks about how the crowd has "adopted" Hoyt. Please beat him with a belt. Lance rolls Monty in before getting punched. Into the corner for chops. Lance turns things around with overhand chops. Ten-punch countalong sees the idiot fans yell "HOYT!" with each blow because they can't count to ten. Such is their level of education. Serengeti Stumble! I like Monty, god help me. Hoyt's up for a moonsault or something asinine, but Brown shoves him out to the floor. Head to the edge of the apron. Snap suplex on the floor! Back in, where Hoyt retaliates with ladylike punches. Whip, head down too soon, Bradshaw Hammer by Monty. Scoop, Last Call Of The Wild! DING DING DING MOO, WHERE WE AT, ORLANDO, THE SERENGETI??? Time for The Pounce, but Hoyt intercepts it with a big boot. Big doot. He's going for the Hoytsault again... got it! 1, 2, no! Those tards in the front row have "Hoytamania" shirts. Corner whip reversed by Monty, who lopes into a back elbow. Hoyt goes to the second rope, but his crossbody is caught. Launched up for THE ALPHA BOMB, AY YI YI YI YI! 1, 2, NO! Time to Pounce. Whip, no, Lance swings out and hits a uranage. 1, 2, no. Girl punches. Lots of punching. Uppercut forearm from Hoyt. Whip reversed, POOOOUUUNCE-UH! 1, 2, 3. Crazy Monty Eyes. Punch the turnbuckle. Punch it, Chewie.

I'm going to eat this Juicy Fruit that was inexplicably packaged with my game. I bet The Warriors didn't come with Juicy Fruit, did it, JG? Point: Mariotti.

Let's take you back to the tour of India with Sonjay, Shark Boy, and Simon Diamond.

Shane's backstage with 3 Live Kru they be droppin' like ballsacs. Shane: "They have proven that the family that sticks together can fight together!" What? Jizzle says they stick together 'cause stickin' together's what good waffles do. "We are tighter than pantyhose two sizes small!" What? "We're the gleesome threesome, if you know what I mean!" What? He makes some lame "ace in the hole/acehole" crack in D'Amore's direction before YOU'RE WHITE, BITCH! arrives in an "I'M KIP JAMES, B*TCH!" shirt. God, I hate him. Gunn offers to watch 3LK's back against Team Canada. Everybody but Konnan is down. He threatens to stick his foot right up Billy's something. Will the shoe still be on it? Billy says "Hey, I offered," like somebody's bitchy, PMSing girlfriend.

D'Amoreons v. 3rtin Luther King

AHHH PYRO HELP!!! Hang in there, Eric Young. I'm going to send you one of those cat posters. A-1 goads him into a high-five. Eric does everything in this really tentative way because he knows that murder lurks around every corner, and it's adorable. D'Amore barks at the camera because he ate Konnan's dawgs. There's a sign depicting 3LK's headstone, courtesy of Team Canada. "They wrestled worse than they rapped!" Got the mic. PLEASE DIVULGE THE LOCATION OF MY CANINES. Speaking on things. Fan: "YOYOYOYOYO!" Shane McMahon, is that you? Road Dogg's spiel.

Team Canada tricks E.Y. into starting by giving him high-tens. The Canadian equivalent of Scooby Snax. But now the realization that Eric's going to die is setting in. Setting up a Test Of Strength, but it's a trick to kick Konnan. Armbar, which Konnan revrses. Side headlock, whipped off, Eric falls to the shoulderblock. Off the ropes, K-Dawg hops over, Eric leapfrogs his somersault and pauses to be all "GUYS DID YOU SEE THAT I DID SOMETHING!!!" So Konnan kicks him. Corner whip, Eric slings up into a whiplash spinebuster and flops around like a dope. Bobby wants Konnan to stop pickin' on his retarded friend, but he gets hiptossed. A-1 manages a kick before being tossed over the top. Rolling Thunder clothesline on Roode. Jesus, Konnan, you don't even need partners, do you? SHOE!!!!! LOOK OUT, ERIC! Hahaha, it knocks him to the floor. So fake. West: "And there goes the big shoe." Well. Clothesline on Roode. Jizzle and Konnan restrain Bobby for K-Kwik's top rope crotch legdrop. Konnan retrieves his shoe. Them things ain't cheap. Killings does a douchebag dance before Bobby kneelifts him. Head to the buckle, headbutt. Whip, clothesline ducked, tilt-a-whirl headscissors by Troof. You're Not Sittin' Properly! is Monty James or whoever, who has pulled up a chair on the ramp. Killings and Road Dogg whip Roode, kick him, high five, and link hands for a little contagious boogaloo fever. Double punches. What a fantastic doubleteam. Now they're doing a little double-dutch toe-touch like fat girls playing jumprope. I hate you people so much. Stomping a mudhole. What a fantastic doubleteam.

Punch by Killings. Corner whip reversed by Roode, but K-Kwik slings over his charge, backflips for no reason, splitz under a clothesline, and hits the twisty leg lariat. 1, 2, no. Fans singing the Star-Spangled Banner again? Eric has to cover his ears. He's like a real-life Eugene. Roode reverses a whip into the Canadian Corner, but K-Kwik fends off his charge with a boot. Taking out both partners before Bobby squashes him with a full-nelson slam. It's about goddamned time. 1, 2, no. Tenay: "That's Kip James!!!" West: "It sure is." Um, yes. You already noted that. "NEW AGE OUTLAWS" chant. Shut the HELL UP. Tag to A Of The First Variety, who punches a lot. A-1 has a hideous Lex Luger face. Tenay: "...CHEESBURGER-EATIN' SCOTT D'AMORE." Choking, boot choking, yawn. Over-the-shoulder powerslam by A-1. 1, 2, no. Back to Roode, who antagonizes the Kru into a referee hugging session so that Team Canada can stomp. Eric comes in at the very end to go STOMP STOMP RUN AWAY. One of these days, Booby Roode will figure out who the greatest is. Head to the T buckle. Punch. K-Kwik fires back prior to a kneelift. Whip, twisty flying forearm by Ronaldo. Tag to Eric, tag to Road Dogg. Jizzle punches everyone. He ducks Young's clothesline off of the whip and makes with his shitty jukey jabs. Concluding with a big boot. Shake, Rattle, and Suck kneedrop, but Team Canada breaks the pin. A scrum has broken out. Roode sends Killings into a scaffolding on the floor. Oh, those things are what hold up the Ultimate X ropes. On the inside, "High Strung" Eric Young is about to get pumphandled when D'Amore starts makin' a fuss. Bobby has the hockey flagstick... broken over Jizzle's head! Young covers like "OH MY GOD AM I GOING TO WIN A MATCH???" 1, 2, 3! Young hugs D'Amore like "OH MY GOD I WON A MATCH!!!" Beatdown. Haha, Scott's pounding Jizzle with the little broken-off head of the hockey stick. Billy Bitchcakes hits the ring to pull Road Dogg to safety. Now he's in there with his chair, and Team Canada invites him to give Konnan a whack. He whacks A-1 instead. The most shocking of all swerves. Tenay: "WHADDAYA SAY NOW, KONAAAAN???" He eyeballs Gunn as we cut to the back.

Douglas is badgering Zbyszko about the main event. Man, Larry has portraits of dogs playing poker all over his office. Better than Vince McMahon, I guess. The Man Of Z's still isn't talking.

Ultimate X package.

P.T. Cruiser v. A Hot Dog Makes Him Lose Control (w/ Whysper) v. OH HAIL NO

D'Amore's back already. It's all you, Cap. Sign: "PETEY IS MY HOMEBOY." Stupid Bentley Bounce. I don't understand "Hail Sabin," but it's dorky enough to reinforce the Final Fantasy jokes, so okay.

Petey tries to go grab the X immediately, so Matt and Chris take turns pinballing him around. Double whip, double hiptoss. Back elbow by Bentley, front dropkick to the face by Sabin, and Peter flops outside. Now Matt's punching Sabin. Corner whip, but Sabin slings over a charge and rolls clear. He snaps off a 'rana. Ready to go after the X, but Petey grabs him. Chop, forearm. Corner whip, but Williams runs into a spinning back elbow. Sabin trying a suplex, but Petey knees him in the head right at the apex! He hits a rolling vertical, then picks Sabin up for a back suplex. Bentley mafia kicks Williams before he can think about going for the X. Elbow to the head. Whip reversed, Bentley goes behind the scoop, but Williams elbows out of the waistlock. He hits the ropes, hops into a bodyscissors position, and gets buried by a wheelbarrow suplex. Meanwhile, Sabin hops up on the dangly X ropes, but Bentley smacks his spine. Climbing the turnbuckles to pull him down into an inverted atomic drop! Petey's going to go for the dub, but Traci's on the apron to be all "PETEY WILLIAMS, YOUR NUMEROUS ATTEMPTS TO MOLEST AND ASSAULT ME HAVE FINALLY WON ME OVER." Haha, Petey returns to ground level and lets his hair down like a sexy librarian. He wanders over for a kiss, but Traci opts for the Faceful Of Tits. It distracts Williams long enough for Bentley to monkeybar his way over to the X, but D'Amore's screaming finally overcomes Petey's boner. Sabin appears to enzuigiri Petey. Then he yanks Bentley off of his perch into an elbowdrop on Williams' corpse! "TNA" chant.

Sabin chops Matthew. Headbutt. That's a Blitz move, right? Forearm. Corner whip, forearm smash by Chris. Ten-punch countalong coming up, but Sabin has to stop and mule kick the oncoming Petey. He scoots down to lift Petey in crucifix powerbomb position, then throws him into a corner collision with Bentley! Off the ropes, Sabin enzuigiris Bentley as he tornado DDTs Williams! Petey gives everything the Carlito Sell, which I like. Sabin's feeling his delicious oats. Did Tenay say Sabin's from "Hail, Michigan"? Is that a real place? He's after the X, but Bentley has his feets. Pulled down into punching. Whip, clothesline ducked, Petey's on the apron, so Sabin springs to the floor and tries to powerbomb him off. Williams hangs on, punches Sabin, and nails him with an Alaberta Jam on the edge of the apron! Ow. Bentley baseball slides at Petey's feet, but he springs into the ring, then slingshots back out for a hurricanrana! Badmouth him, D'Amore. That was nice, but "Holy Shit" it ain't, TNA fans. Now "Let's Go *Somebody*" chants. Petey was going to climb, but he has to deal with Sabin first. Shoulder thrust by Chris, who slings in and rolls over the back. Clothesline ducked, Petey has a waistlock, but Sabin back elbows. Bentley's back to catch Sabin's clothesline and hit his reverse neckbreaker/Stunner on both men. Traci fires the crowd up for Matt as Sabin's sleepyness has caused everyone to nap. If I could just put my head down on my portfolio for a second...

Bentley's climbing all slow-like. Headed toward the X, but Sabin's going out after him. They both dangle as Bentley gets Sabin in a hurricanrana position, but Sabin pulls him down into a hard powerbomb! Sorry, still not "Holy Shit." Drink Potion, Play Again. Replay. Sabin recovers and goes back to the turnbuckles, but Williams meets him. Petey climbs a scaffold as they duke it out. His head gets rammed into it. Now Petey returns the favor, causing Sabin to fall and crotch himself on the ropes. Petey knocks him off the turnbuckles with a little footsie dropkick, but Sabin's feet get hung up in Maple Tree Of Woe position. Petey would rather be a dick than win the match, which is why I'm a fan. He steps on Sabin's wiener and claims it for his home country. HE'S GONNA SING, PAY ATTENTION SYLVAIN GRENIER! O CANADA, I PLEDGE THIS CROTCH TO THEE. Bentley sneaks up and trips Williams out to the floor. Now Bentley's up there, but Sabin shoves him into a HARD crash landing! Sabin has a go at it, but Petey fusses with his foot and gets kicked back down. Top rope moonsault press onto both Williams and Bentley! Everyone's dead on the floor. D'Amore pets Petey's head. Hahaha, now he's drizzling Aquafina onto Petey's unruly cowlick. Tenay: "He took your bottle of water away!" West: "I don't want any more of that, I can tell you that!" Sabin's the first to return to the ring. Scramblin' across the ropes, but Bentley leaps to tackle him in the nick of time. RUH-ROH, Sabin jostled the ropes too hard and the X fell down, Pinata On A Pole-style! Crowd: "OHHHHH." Referee Buff Bagwell's Referee declares that it must go back up. Haha, Petey's like "WHAT THE FUCK, IT'S RIGHT THERE, I'MMA GRAB IT." Buff's Ref won't let him. Some staff midgets grab a ladder and replace the X. Bentley and Petey brawl to kill time. Pescado on Williams. Crowd: "USE THE LAD-DER." Yeah, they're using it to put the X back up. Open your eyes. Petey goes into the barricade before Sabin smashes Bentley into a scaffold. Petey, as well. Bentley takes over and stalks D'Amore around. The X is back, so Sabin and Bentley go after it from different directions. They flail away at each other as Petey paws at their feet half-heartedly. Now they both fall, and Christ, the stupid X is hanging by a thread again. Petey's directly under it, so he drops to his knees as if to say "COME TO THE CAPTAIN OF CANADA!" And it falls right into his hands! Tenay: "That's not the way you win the match!" Bell: "*ring*" Uh. Rockin' O Canada and a D'Amore hug seem to signify that we're cutting our losses. Canadian Controversy. Disappointing, yet funny! Ah well, they'll probably redo it on that primetime Thursday show. Sabin storms off in a big huff. Just like when he left Figaro Castle. Bentley blames Jeremy Borash. Even Petey's none too thrilled. Crowd: "BULLSHIT."

Let's relive the formation of the Space Invaders, culminating with the funeral and the tag title win of Amamrica's Most Wanted.

Here are the "Tag Lines," which I guess are Tazz'z Keyz To Victory for a new generation. "NWA TITLES: NO. 1 ON MOST WANTED LIST." and "A NATURAL REMATCH." and "A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE." Yes. I'm too lazy to explain the context.

Andromeda's Most Wanted (w/ Ensign Harry Kim) v. Black Hole Of Nicknames

Sorry for the Voyager joke. Ha, Harris knocks West's water over. Everybody's always fuckin' with his water. Andy Douglas is all bandagey, but The Naturals are all pissed off, so off they run. Stevens and Douglas beat some ass in the ring. It quickly spills outside. Stevens whips Storm into the barricade. Suplex on the ramp! And Harris takes a facebuster on the ramp! He manages to tear Andy's bandage off and start punching the wound, though. Storm ambushes Chase as they crawl back in. Whip, Storm flops over the ropes but attempts to skin the cat, who is his partner. Stevens tries to stop it with a baseball slide, but James pulls his way up. Only to be caught by Andy, who dumps him into Chase's arms on the floor. POWERBOMB ONTO THE GUARDRAIL! Ouch. Storm: "*scream*" Harris gets cornered by both Naturals to "Pussycat" chants. Heh. Begging off. The Naturals borrow his "Go Fuck Yourself" gesture prior to kicking him. Beatdown. Harris is taking a walk (CATWALK), but Douglas runs the ramp and drills him from behind. General brawling on Harris goes way too long as Storm attempts to be less dead. Are we killing extra Ultimate X time or something? Wildcat takes a tour of the many fine barricades that surround the six-sided ring. Douglas strangles Harris with his wrist tape. Now he finds Storm and gives him a whack. Gail Kim takes umbrage, providing enough distraction for James to ram Andy's head into a scaffold. Punching his head gash. Into the announce table it goes. Douglas is bleeding again.

Back in, where AMW have regained control. Harris opens up the wound even more. Face tuggery. Holding Douglas for Storm's free shot. Choking Andy with his own tape. Storm loads Harris up in crucifix powerbomb position, spins around a million times, and lets him land wherever he may, which is the Eye Of The Storm. That's pretty cool. 1, 2, no. Shot for Chase on the apron, then an illegal exchange with Harris. Punching the head and tagging back out. Italy's Most Wanted. Another head punch, then shit-talking for Stevens. Storm slaps Chase, but Andy evades the next attack and makes a hot tag. Stevens punches away on everybody. Whip reversed, clothesline ducked, flying forearm on Harris. Whip, big backdrop. Storm ducks a clothesline before getting dumped to the apron. Chris comes a-runnin' with a punch, but it hits his partner when Stevens ducks. Up in fireman's carry position... spun into a facebuster on the knee! Flying reverse neckbreaker by the returning Douglas! 1, 2, no. Storm manages to nail Douglas before Stevens catches his kick. Spun, forearm ducked, Storm's awful superkick attempt ends up more like a Houston Sidekick and is blamed on his broken back. It misses, regardless, and Chase hits a bad superkick of his own to the chest. 1, 2, no. Harris returns and asks Gail Kim for a foreign object from her native land. It's powder. She IS Asian, after all. Needs talcum for her sore, sore ass. Chris loads up a handful, but Stevens kicks it in his face! HE IS BLINDER THAN NIDIA! Look at him stumble around. Storm goes to check on him and eats the Catatonic at the hands of his dimwitted, disoriented partner! Haha, Harris marks out for himself. West: "HE THINKS HE'S DONE SOMETHING GOOD!" The Naturals prepare Harris for the Death Sentence! OH NO YOU AIN'T. Hit it! 1, 2, NO!!! West: "Wildcat Harris reached down and found somethin' most men don't have!" Third testicle.

Storm's up to take a swing, but Stevens ducks and forearms the back. Inverted suplexing him up into position for the Natural Disaster, but Gail Kim clambers in the ring to distract Douglas. Storm makes it back to his feet and shoves Stevens off into a clumsy collision that wipes them both out. Andy's after Gail... got her by the hair! "OH, THE BITCH IS MINE NOW!" Women are not property, Andy Douglas. Choke, but Harris moseys on by to handcuff Douglas' wrist to the guardrail. IT'S A TRAP! Stevens and Storm trade blows in the ring. Shot for Harris on the apron. He gets suplexed into the ring. Climb-up enzuigiri! Fucked-up kip-up by Chase as Gail distracts the ref some more... Storm has his drinkin' flask... SMASH! Hahaha, I'm pretty sure Storm is trying to tell the befuddled ref something along the lines of "A rowdy fan just threw a bottle at Chase Stevens. Personally, I am appalled." Douglas has to watch as his partner gets set up... Death Sentence! 1, 2, 3. Haha, Rudy Charles pretends like he got glass in his hand on the count. Post-Match, the handcuffed Douglas gets a chairshot.

Monsters Ball package. Heh, at one point, Douglas was apparently interviewing Zbyzsko when Jeff Hardy suddenly dropped down from some scaffolding, monkey-bars style. And Shane was all "Oohoohoo, weird."

Back to Shane for a few words with the "James Mitchell, the mouthpiece of the monster Abyss." He's red, white, and blue. Abyss sits behind a chain-link fence and freaks out. This whole sensory deprivation angle is so ridiculous in the first place, and then they barely even mention or do anything with it. The Minister thinks Abyss will have the advantage because he spent much of his childhood locked in a box. Because he burned down The Undertaker's parents' house. Or something. "Inviting Abyss to the Monsters Ball is not unlike inviting a combat veteran with a Purple Heart to a game of paintball. On one hand, you may have a little fierce and friendly, albeit messy, competitive fun. On the other hand, you just might dredge up some ugly, long-repressed memories and have a massacre on your hands! And instead of being covered in paint, you find yourself covered in copious amounts of blood!" Okay, that wasn't a very good analogy.

Any Flowerpots In This Match? v. Copious Amounts Of Tacks v. Herbicidal, Pesticidal, Spunkacider v. Bound For Gloryhole

Rhyno comes with a garbagey can full of plunder. Abyss has the Tack Sack and chain. Sabu brings the chair that he sleeps with. Like a security blanket. And Jeff got wasted and forgot to bring weapons. Unless day-glo bodypaint is a weapon. I bet they found a bunch of fag-ass poetry scrawled all over the walls when they let Jeff Hardy out of his box. Get the hose. Why does everything about Sabu strike me as Middle Eastern if he's supposed to be from Bombay? Shrug. Big ups to Jesus. Tenay: "Scarred from head to toe! And he earned every damn scar!" He didn't get none of those scars in some sort of free scar giveaway! Jeff wants to pose a lot like a moron, so everybody beats him up. Until Sabu starts throwing chairs. Jeff's like "Hey Sabu, can I bum this chair off of you? 'Preciate it." Sabu dumps Rhino to the floor and somersault sentons onto him. Abyss ends up with the chair, but Hardy kicks. Setting up the chair to assist on his corner plancha. Falls Count Anywhere in this piece of crap. Now the chair serves as a step-stool for Hardy's flying hip check to the floor. Elsewhere, Rhino shoots Sabu into the barricade. They fight in the crowd, as do Abyss and Jeffrey. Sabu's eye is already hella bloody. Jeff climbs up a little retaining wall and jumps off with an axehandle. Abyss' head is rammed into a scaffold. Brawling about. Jeff dumps the crap out of the garbage can while Rhyno eats a thrown chair. Why was there a bottle of water in that trash can? I guess Rhyno knew he wasn't getting any food all day and came prepared. Broke into his Y2K stash.

Sabu uses his chair to jump to the top rope and nail a huge plancha on Rhino. Corner whip by Abyss on Hardy, but he Whyspers In The Wynd. Setting up the Twist Of Fate, but Abyss lifts him into the torture rack Train Wreck. That's Shock Treatment. Abyss covers Hardy for all of one. Everybody's back in the ring to fight. West: "It's every man against himself!" What are you, waxing philosophic now? Rhino jacks people with a chair. Except Hardy, because he's delicate. He Poetry In Motions off Sabu's back to hit Abyss. Now he's like "Hey Sabu, I'll be your piece of furniture so you can do it, too!" but Sabu runs up and kicks Hardy in the fucking ribs, hahahaha. Legdrop. Arabian Facebuster, if that's when he sits on your face with a chair. But Rhino clocks Sabu with a kendo stick before he can cover Hardy! Shot for Jeff! Shot for Abyss! Middle fingers! Rhino's also bleeding as he goes back to work on Sabu. West: "Surely you've got the little kids out of the room by now!" I don't have little kids, Don West. I'm not a pedophile. Rhino hunkers down in preparation of a Gore, but Abyss catches him in a choke! AHHHTHECHOAKSLAM on a chair! 1, 2, no. Sabu gets a table from under the ring while Jeff chokes Abyss with the fag rag that fell out of his pocket. Hardy's found a ladder. Meanwhile, Rhino's whipping Sabu with Simon Dean's weight belt. Abyss takes the ladder to Hardy's ribs as they fight near the ramp. Jeff takes a nap where the stage meets the ramp. Abyss sets up tables out there. Sabu has similar intentions as he wedges a table between the ring apron and guardrail. Abyss takes some chairshots before plopping down onto two tables. And Rhino's laid out on Sabu's table... chair-assisted top rope sit-on-you attack breaks it! Hardy props a ladder up against the entrance and uses it to climb up into the heavens. Shit, Abyss is a long way out and a long way down. Hardy's up amongst the vidya screens and whatnot, while Abyss is on his bed of tables in the pit beneath the stage. The Minister's all "JEYUFF, NO! THAT IS UH-BEE-USS!" but Hardy pays no heed. INSANE SENTON SPLASH OFF OF SOME LITTLE PARAPET! SHIT! Damn, he covered some distance and pretty much hit it dead-on. Akin to the giant ladder swanton on Brother Raye. Yeah, you can finally bust out your "Holy Shit," feebs.

Back inside, where Rhino's in Sabu's camel clutch. He lets go to set up a chair, but Rhino revives himself and takes a kendo stick to Sabu's ribs. "THIS IS AWE-SOME" chant. Rhino sticks a chair in the corner, only to Gore it when Sabu reverses his whip. Triple Jump Moonsault! 1, 2, no! Tenay: "PIN! WE GOTTA WATCH THIS ACTION!" This exciting pinning action. Abyss crawls back to the ring while Sabu Arabian Facebusters Rhino off the second rope. 1, 2, no. Hardy's trying to get back, as well. Abyss brings a table in and leans it up against a corner. Thrown chair. Sabu sure loves to jump off of that chair. Corner splash, but Abyss catches him and dumps him through a table on the floor! I have no idea where that came from. Abyss has the SACK FULL OF TACKS! RHINO'S BACK IS ABOUT TO BE COVERED IN TACKS! SACKS! TACKS! WHOOPS, Rhino GOARED him through that propped-up table! Hardy's back to punch upon Rhino. Rhino answers with a back elbow before climbing the turnbuckles, but Jeff meets him. Going up in pursuit, but Rhino overpowers him... RHINODRIVER '52 off the second rope! 1, 2, 3! Sabu saved too late. Tenay: "My god, what a spectacle!" He's thumbing through the Lens Crafters catalog. Replays of Sabu's sit-on-you attack, Jeff's crazy dive, Sabu eating table, and Rhino's piledriver.

Hot Newz from the back, as Zbyszko's finally ready to talk. Shane: "OOH, the scuttlebutt in the dressing room..." Hahaha. Larry says we'll have "a ten-man over-the-top gauntlet match" to determine Jarrett's challenger. I don't know how they do things in Larryland, but we call that a Battle Royal here, pal. Jarrett shows up to bitch about that decision. Douglas is such a Yes Man for Jarrett. Look at him nod. Larry won't tell him who the ten guys are. Jesus, Zbyszko sweats a lot. Constantly towelling himself off.

Footage of AJ and Daniels' last Ironman Match. And now just their feud in general. Up to and including AJ falling down. Here are Mike Tenay's X-Factors. Yo, you dealin' with 'em, etc. "-30 Minutes To Gold." "-Ironman II." -"Sudden Death Was Sudden Victory For Styles." Suddenly.

I WEAR A VELVET CLOTH ON MY HEAD BECAUSE I ENJOY THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE v. The Six-Sided Ringbearer

Way to take up that entire line with your nickname, Chris. You hog. Preacherman choker is silvery-white tonight. Pretty sure AJ just said "fuckin'." Easy there, Batista. YOU ARE, YOU ARE, HE AM, HE AM UNSTOPABLE. Belt Of X's is on the line, but it ain't goin' nowhere. AJ tries to take off his little vesty and gets assaulted from behind. Rapid-fire forearms and a mudhole stomp from the Angel. 30:00 clock. Whip, leaping leg lariat. "FALLEN ANGEL/LET'S GO AJ." Knife-edge chops in the corner, forearm, headbutt. Whip, military press slam by Daniels! Invisible Mariotti point is tallied! What's all that white crap on his hotpants, little angelly feathers? AJ throws a shot to the ribs and takes a knee to the face for his troubles. Trading punches and chops. Whip reversed by Styles, Daniels hops to the second rope and springboards back over him, but AJ hammers him with a right. Chops and more punches. Whip reversed, deep swinging armdrag by Styles. Side backbreaker on the knee. Off the ropes, leaping back elbow, and Daniels heads outside. AJ hits the ropes for a dive, but Daniels meets him at the apron with a forearm. Slinging back in, under AJ's leapfrog, cartwheeling over, straight right jab. Daniels throws a couple more. Whip, AJ slides through the legs and hits a nice dropkick. THE RING GIVES HIM POWARRRR. Styles aborts his pescado and lands on the apron when Daniels moves. Chris grabs his foot and gets booted HARD into the barricade! Owies. He falls into the crowd, where AJ pops him. Styles must have run up the steel steps, because he comes flying into the picture with a huge plancha like a psycho! "TNA" chant. Yes. Hard chop by AJ. He knocks Daniels back over the railing.

Into the ring for AJ's two count. Side headlock applied, 1, 2, no. Daniels stands, but he's still in it. "I'm gonna pop your head like a pimple!" says AJ. That's gross. Christopher tries to whip the headlock off, but Styles won't go. Back suplex attempt, but Styles reverses momentum with a headlock takedown. 25:00 of exciting headlocks left. Crowd: "YOU'RE BOTH AWE-SOME!" Let's get them a big pair of communal pants that say "AWESOME" down this leg... TNA chants are so friendly and pointless. LET'S GO SHOP-PING! I LIKE KIT-TENS! Chrissy finally breaks the Headlock From Hell by backflipping AJ to his feet. And Styles responds with a headlock takeover. Headlock From Hell II: Hellacious Boogaloo. 1, 2, no. Whipped off, shoulderblock goes AJ's way. Cover for one, then another headlock. Daniels manages to stack the shoulders and get one. Now he frees himself to apply an armbar on the mat. Daniels tugs the arm as AJ stands, but Styles goes flipsy-kipsy to reverse. Daniels tries to mimic it, but AJ pounces on him with a headlock right before the kip-up part, haha. Whipped off, AJ hops over, but Daniels' leg lariat hurts because it missed. And Styles field goal kicks the fuck out of his ribs. The Vinatieri. Off the rope so that AJ can drop that spastic, split-legged forearm of his. Cover for one. Chop by AJ. Daniels' pimple-head gets up close and personal with all six turnbuckles how cool. He dead. 1, 2, no. Forearm smash by AJ. Daniels' choker is really, really crooked. Styles lays in some kicks. Daniels: "AH, GOD!" He got kicked out of Heaven for taking the Lord's name in vain. Facelock by Styles, then a headbutt to the back of the head. AJ hits a second-rope version of the Alabama Crotch. Unlike Holly's, it was visibly legal. West: "Takin' Daniels to school!" SUNDAY SCHOOL HO HO. Trying not to carouse. AJ applies a deathlock before bridging back to add the facelock. Daniels pries Styles' hands apart, then bites him to get free. 20:00 remain as the announcers comment on how Daniels is getting dismantled.

Corner whip reversed, but Daniels gets sent to the apron on a charge. He lands a right. Trying another, but AJ hooks the arm, floats to the apron, and clotheslines him back into the ring! Styles headed to the top... flying forearm attempt is caught, and Daniels slings him with an Exploder! Both men down. Why is the referee bothering to count them down in an Ironman Match? Quit tryin' to run up the score, Steve Spurrier. Whip by Daniels, nasty clothesline. Forearm smash, snapmare, neck twist. Another. If he was Steven Seagal or somebody, AJ's spine would have snapped. Slow to cover, 1, 2, no. Whip, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, 1, 2, no. Neck vise applied. Styles fights up to an "AJ" chant and elbows free. Hopping into wheelbarrow suplex position for a forward roll, 1, 2, no. Backswing ducked, schoolboy, 1, 2, no. But Daniels grabs his head and locks him in the crazy octopus pretzel that I'm supposed to call the Koji Clutch, I think! Tenay: "The move that was made famous in Japan by Koji Kanemoto!" If you say so. AJ does a push-up, lifting Daniels on his back as he struggles for the ropes. But Daniels drives him back down. Styles pulls himself up again, lunges, and makes it! Hold broken. Daniels pounds him with an angary elbow. Scoop slam by Daniels. Split-legged moonsault! 1, 2, no. West keeps saying "backwards moonsault," as opposed to all those crazy sideways zig-zag moonsaults. Daniels is losing it now, pounding and choking away. 15:00 remain. Whip, AJ tilt-a-whirls to his feet, clothesline ducked, AJ moonsaults into inverted DDT position and lands it! The will of Sauron spurs AJ to his feet. Off the ropes, hard clothesline! Back elbow! Clothesline! Back elbow! Spinning roundhouse kick! Daniels is out on his feet. Kerplop. AJ picks him up to wring the arm. He hammerlocks it as he hefts Daniels into a neckbreaking back suplex! 1, 2, no! Pumphandle into a ribbreaker on the knee by Styles. 1, 2, no. Styles goes to the apron for a springboard, but Daniels grabs him in a fireman's carry! DEATH VALLEY DRIVER! Slow to cover, 1, 2, NO!

Goofy Judo chop by Daniels. Scooping Styles up onto the second rope to bust him with an uppercut. Daniels straitjackets one of AJ's arms to yank him down into a reverse short powerbomb! 1, 2, no! No, I don't know what a "reverse short powerbomb" is, either. Shut up. Kick, off the ropes, swinging neckbreaker attempt, but AJ completes the rotation and kicks him. Suplex, no, letting Daniels fall behind to nail the reverse neckbreaker! 1, 2, no. Styles rushes, Daniels sidesteps, AJ tries the moonsault into inverted DDT again, but Daniels counters with a snapmare. Now Styles hustles into a spinning Blue Thunder powerbomb! 1, 2, no! Daniels up top for the Best Moonsault Ever! 1, 2, no! Uh, if it really was the Best Moonsault Ever, I think it would have gotten a three count. Myth Busted. Replay of that as we get some naptime. Waistlock by Daniels, but AJ fights off whatever that was gonna be. Elbowing loose. Off the ropes, Daniels Papa Shangos and gets kicked. 10:00 left. AJ scoops his opponent into a Torture Rack! Spun around into a powerbomb! 1, 2, no! Daniels' choker is almost completely backwards, which is funny. Corner whip, but AJ's flying forearm smash doesn't find a mark. Daniels hits the rope and plows him outside with a high knee strike. Ow, AJ crashed into the steps on the landing. Tope suicida by Daniels! Goodnight, moon. Replay. Daniels eventually takes Styles back in. Groping at him from the apron, but AJ busts out the Pele! Maybe this will be a 0-0 tie, much like AJ's favorite soccer games. Gorgeous no-hands senton by Styles! Replays. Daniels corpses his way back to the apron, blocking AJ's suplex by hooking the bottom rope with his leg. Pounding Styles' back. Trying to lift AJ into a back suplex to the floor... and he does! They both hit hard. Keep that "Holy Shit" in your pants. Blessed be the Fallen Angel's shit.

Everybody crawls back in at 5:00. AJ grabs Daniels' boot and gets booted away. It looks like he's going to cry. Hey, he lost the One Ring! I think that was pretty important, AJ. Chops are traded in the ring. Now forearms. AJ's teeing off. Yikes, Styles has an ugly bruise where his thigh met the steel steps. Daniels cradles him with a leglace takedown, 1, 2, no. Pounding away is Daniels. Scoop slam, but Styles maneuvers it to a small package. 1, 2, no. Trying another Pele, but Daniels dodges. He rolls into a bridging pin! 1, 2, no. AJ with a Majistral Cradle-type deal! 1, 2, no. Styles ducks a clothesline and handsprings into a CRUSHING German suplex, but he GETS UP, DOES A NO-SELL YELL, AND FLATTENS DANIELS WITH A VICIOUS DISCUS CLOTHESLINE! Dayom. 3:00 and we outta heah. Styles falls into a cover after a million years, 1, 2, no. 2:00. Daniels pokes an eye. Corner whip, but AJ snakes through the ropes to evade a charge. Up top, flying crossbody, but Daniels turns the pin over! Grabbing the tights, 1, 2, no! A wobbly Styles fires off forearms, as does Daniels. Whacking each other until Daniels caves. 1:00. AJ hooking up a suplex, but Chris drops to his knees. Styles picks him up and busts him with an enzuigiri. 1, 2, no. Daniels retaliates with a jawbreaker and an enzuigiri of his own. Hooked for Angel's Wings! NO, Styles lands on his feet and backdrops him into a bridging pin! 1, 2, DANIELS BRIDGES UP, but AJ gets a double leg takedown and jackknifes into a pin! 1, 2, Styles jackknifes back over and tries to lift him for the Clash! 15 seconds left! Stepping over the arms... ASS CRASHER at :09! Rolling into a pin at :04! 1, 2, 3! Quick, Daniels, you have :02 seconds to get him disqualified or something! Oops, you failed. Final Tally: AJ Styles - 1, Christopher Daniels - 0, Jack Doan - 7. Wait, that's not right. I appreciate the novelty of an Ironman Match playing out like that, but if it was gonna go 1-0, they could have just had, y'know... a match. Now AJ IS crying because he misses his ring. Holding the belt aloft. Sign: "MATCH OF THE YEAR." Every match is the Match Of The Year to you people. Let's watch some of the highlights.

Bound For Glory is great, but Genesis will be even greater! Allegedly! Here's the promo. I'd have put Monty Brown playing Joe Montana Football in here, but hey, that's just me.

Time for the Battle Royal.

#1 - The Samoan Dance Machine. Sweet. #2 - DAYOM, I GOTS ANTZ IN MY PANTZ. is a far inferior dancer. Can you break K-Kwik's motherfucking neck for me, Joe? Thx. Horrible dance. I guess it kind of is a Gauntlet, because it's Royal Rumble-style. Joe and Monkey for 2:00, then a new douche every 1:00. "JOE" chant. They do nothing for twenty seconds. WHAT THE FUCK, K-KWIK, ARE YOU MOCKING THE SAMOAN DANCE??? Pot, kettle, very, very black. Joe just looks at him. Joe's awesome. Killings busts out a little jig, then a Bolshevik dance. You are so fucking murdered. Jab by Joe! Whip, nasty high knee in the corner! Grinding the boot into the face, off the ropes, vicious kick to the teeth! Ron pulls himself up to the top turnbuckle and takes Joe down with a blockbuster. "TROOF" chant. Whip reversed by Joe, Killings swings out and hits a Flatliner. "CAN I GET A AMEN?" No. He tries to pitch Joe. Shyeah right. #3 - The Mummy Raven Was Told To Ride. Bandagey Sabu. I know you're engaged to that chair, Sabu, but I don't think you can bring it into this match. I guess I'm wrong, because Joe just ate it. And K-Kwik, also. Set up, Triple Jump off the second rope hits Killings. Hip check attack off the chair and onto Joe. Thanks, Jesus! Sabu dukes it out with Joe. Another chair jump. Looking for more, but Joe swats the chair into his legs, ha. #4 - DOOTIE TANG. Get the fuck out of here, Hoyt. He dispatches everyone with woman punches. Haha, Joe's like "Honky, plz." Look at him, Joe. I like when Joe looks at people. He beats the shit out of Hoyt with forearms. Off the ropes and into Lance's big boot! Hoyt pounds Sabu. Trying to pitch Killings, but no go. Joe crushes Sabu with a DDT. #5 - ARTHRITIS HAS GOTTEN THE BEST OF ME. Abyss holds his hand, and West thinks he may have broken it in Monsters Ball, but hell if I know when or how. Get that man a Dean Machine. OH SHIT, JOE IS LOOKING AT ABYSS!!! WITH HIS EYES!!! This is the "big beefers throw down" spot that I always mark out for in every battle royal. Abyss is all "*ABYSS POSE*" and Joe is like "Shut up, Abyss, I will chop you." Loud chops traded. Choke on Joe! Who says "CHOKE ME??? CHOKE YOU!!!" Chokeslam each other. Somehow. Dipshitted Killings leaps into the picture to double clothesline them both. He unloads on Abyss. #6 - I WALK WITH A LIMP (WRIST) is beaten-up Hardy. Sabu's bleedin' all over. It takes Jeff twenty seconds to sashay to the ring. This sort of thing would really be benefitted by people having good, recognizable entrance music, which TNA hasn't done. Hoyt's stupid ass tries to toss Joe, but he ends up in a front chancery choke. Hardy kicks Sabu's leg out of his leg. #7 - YUM YUM CUM GET ME SUM is Monty Brown, somehow. Because he cooks missionaries in a pot, I guess. He bumbles around a little bit before Pouncing Sabu to death! Hardy rushes Monty and gets dumped over the top! But Monty's like "Whoops, I was supposed to go too, wasn't I?" so he kinda jumps over and falls out with him. Haha. Bad. They out. Everybody else tries to gang up on Abyss, but Mitchell helps push him back in. #8 - A Rhinocerus. Rhino goes off on Hoyt. Clothesline to the floor! So long, retard. Now everybody just kind of loiters around and punches. If I wanted to see lazy people lying down, I'd go visit Kevin Nash in the hospital. The crowd and I want Joe to win. #9 - I'M A BUTT ENTHUSIAST. Get out of here, Gunn. Joe and/or Rhyno tossed Sabu while we weren't really looking. As the only douche who didn't wrestle tonight, Gunn goes nuts on Abyss. Ass Splasher in the corner. Kick, off the ropes, Flame-Asser. Stop making Joe sell for you. Whip by Joe, but Gunn skips over and dropkicks. #10 - I AM, I AM (ALL TIRED AND SHIT). Just take a nap on the ramp and wait until it thins out, AJ. Why do you hate Raven so much, Zbyszko? He is not a black people. Styles reaches the ring after seventy years and goes after Abyss. "JOE JOE JOE." AJ absorbs Abyss' hard corner whip before Abyss gets Rhyno's boot inna face. Joe breaks Gunn's jaw. Kicking him in the boob. "LET'S GO JO-OE." Joe tries to get K-Kwik out. Mitchell pokes Rhino with his cane. Styles dumps Truth, but he clings to the ropes. Now Abyss launches Gunn, and Billy loves the 3 Live Kru so very much that he pushes Killings back in, eliminating himself in the process. Don't let the door hit ya on that body part you like. Killings splitz under AJ's karate kick. Houston Sidekick ducked, P-P-P-PELE! AJ ejects Killings again, but Cheatin' Billy Gunn tries to hold his buddy in. Joe helps out and gets K-Kwik gone. Final Four is Joe, AJ, Rhino, and Abyss. 1-2 and 3-4 are the pairings. I'd be pleased with the first two. Last two, not so much. Joe and Styles tee off on each other. Discus clothesline ducked, stranglehold by Joe! Abyss comes up from behind and dumps them both, aw, bullshit. Rhino ducks Abyss' clothesline and gets the GORE! Abyss goes over! Rhino wins! For some reason!

Borash gets his stupid self in the ring to announce the title match. Special guest ref is THE ULLLLLTIMATE FIGHTER. Pointless Tito Ortiz was made even more pointless by Nash's death, wasn't he? REURR REURR LOOK OUT RHINO IT'S A SPACE POACHER!

I Can't Cook Up Space Taters Because They Are Made Of POISON!!! v. FUCK

Jarrett has a guitar bazooka that shoots pyro. Rhino sure is a hoss to win all these matches without receiving sunlight or water or Flintstones chewables all day. The casket wheels out in Jarrett's wake. He's stomping a blackhole in Rhino already. Whip, dropkick by the King Of Space Mountain. Arranging Rhino on the middle rope for a charge. Sliding outside with the Bossman Punch. Paintbrush. "LET'S GO RHY-NO" says the crowd. Jarrett punches away. Rhino falls outside for the portion of the match where Jeff Jarrett beats you up outside. Into the barricades. Head to the announce table. Jarrett breaks off the little garbagey can attached to the desk, spilling about a metric ton of trash. Christ, West, have you been eating Ding-Dongs all night? JJ whacks Rhino with that brutal piece of plastic. Head to the casket. Jarrett declares that it's Rhino's funeral. If you bring flowers, please don't put them in a vase. Hotshotting the ribs onto the casket. Slapping him. Back in, Jarrett to the top for a flying clothesline. Back up, second flying clothesline. And a third, but Rhino catches him a choke! Launched up and into a crotch kick! Tito doesn't care. Gail Kim has arrived as Jeff sidesteps a Gore, sending Rhino into the buckles. Gail climbs the turnbuckles pointlessly, but Ortiz catches her jump. Reading her the riot act. Slap blocked, and Tito ejects her. All this allows Jarrett to get a gee-tar... EL KLABLONG is ducked! Rhino lowers his head and GOARS his way into a nasty guitar shot! Jarrett dusts his hands of space dust. Cover, Tito's back, 1, 2, NO! Jeff bitches at Tito. AMW hits the ring, so Ortiz punches them. But Jeff was slipped a second guitar... GOAR GOAR GOAR!!! 1, 2, 3! Rhino wins the title! For some reason! The Space Invaders are beside themselves.

But Jarrett promised us a funeral. HE'S TRYNA MAKE A MONKEY OUTTA YEWWW! Space monkey. The Invaders are all over Rhino. Save is attempted by 3 Live Kru, for god's sake. D'Amore's company puts a stop to that. Get 'em, Eric Young. Double J and Bobby Roode fetch the casket. Harris and Roode hold Rhino for El Kraboing. Rhino's placed inside and deprived of even more sunlight and food and what have you, while Jarrett stands on top and poses with the title. BUTWAIT! PHOTON TORPEDOS INCOMING! A DEADLY ALLIANCE of ebony and ivory. Guh-guh-guh-ghosts! Tenay: "NO FREAKIN' WAY!!!" Eric Young claims the high ground of the casket in his panic. Brothers Raye and Devon tear ass as the faces enjoy a resurgence. Dear old Eric Young is all alone. Buh Buh knocks him off his perch before Rhino comes back to life. Whip, Deadly Death Drop! Into the casket! And close the lid. And here you thought Eric was paranoid to be deathly afraid of everything ever. Devon gives Rhino his belt and allows him to stomp all over the coffin. Fare thee well.

Final Thoughts: I was expecting more, but it was a'ight. I'd probably buy the next one, if only because I have nothing to do. And because I like to feel like I'm sticking it to the WWE with my fat, minimum-wage wallet. Dr. Heiney indeed.