The Lead-Off Man: Big Dust discusses how two players and twenty-two fingers were ejected from the ass end of yesterday's doubleheader. Alou: "I didn't do anything wrong, did I? I just got thrown out." He was just sitting quietly when the umpire charged into the path of his spit. THEY'RE PERSECUTING THE JEWS AGAIN, MO(i)SES! Alou claims not to have pulled an Alomar, and the crew chief apparently verified it. "The only thing I had in my mouth was dick. Maybe I was so pissed off and talking, you know, maybe my dick came out." (Secret: He actually said "dip", but I'm a fun-lovin' guy who loves to have fun.)
It's adorable how Chip always addresses us as "friends". You're my only friend, Chip. Do you think Larry Appleton and Balki Bartakomous are in attendance today? Because I do.
Commercials. A 10-10-987 ad without Stamos? Blasphemy.
Today's starters are Mattitude Version 8.00 (ERA) v. "Dangerous" Dan Haren. Wait, that's Estes' ERA. The name of this Cardinal scrub lends itself poorly to wacky nicknames. I hate him. The game is brought to us by both Chevy and Nissan, so go out and buy two cars. Right now. I'll wait.
Commercials. I doubt Papa John's real first name is "Papa".
We're actually going to start one day. Your hosts are Firebreaker Chip and Al Stone. The wind is blowing out, so the Cubs have already lost.
Anthem. STOP SPITTING DURING THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER, ALFONSECA, YOU DUNDERPATE!!! I guess I should stop screaming during the Star-Spangled Banner.
Commercials. I shouldn't have started taping so early.
Eric Karros stole the Kidcam! Sosa's almost ready to sprint out to right field like a mental patient. He's off! RUN, SAMMY! PUMP THOSE DOMINICAN LEGS! Here's the Cardinals' non-wacky lineup:
2B Fernando Vina
CF J.D. Drew
LF Albert Pujols
1B Tino Martinez
3B Scott Rolen
RF Orlando Palmeiro
SS Edgar Renteria
C Mike Matheny
P Danny Haren
Jim Edmonds is dead or something, which is fine because he doesn't have a hilarious name. THE HEAT WILL BE AWWWWN:
Top 1st:
Buff Bagwell leads off for the Cardinals. Fernando Vina looks exactly like Buff Bagwell. Yeah. Now you know. How many people read this far, 3? Matt Clement starts with a BALL. Failure. TWO BALLS. THREE. Cubs' baseball, ladies and gentlemen. Vina walks on four pitches. God.
I promise I won't recap every pitch. Probably. Mr. J.D. steps up. He whiffs at the first pitch like a clown. Clement's slider is a-slidin', apparently. That's why they call it a slider. Drew rifles what's going to be a double into right field. I picked a great day to rebeak. The ball gets to the wall before Sosa catches up. Runners on 2nd and 3rd, nobody out. Cubs' baseball.
Hey, hey, hey! It's Faaaaaat Albert! First pitch strike. I hope this doesn't turn into a 27-0 affair that takes seven hours to rebeak. Pujols pops it up in foul ground! Back to the junkyard with you, tubby. Randal Simon makes the catch for the first out.
Tina Martinez will try to get some easy-ass RBIs. First pitch, ground ball through the middle. Oink. No play at the plate, two Cardinal runs score.
KEEP ON ROLEN BABY YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS. He flies out to Moises Alou in left field.
Orlando "Lovematic" Jordan's up. I hate that whole "behind the catcher" camera angle. Count goes full. Clement reminds me of a hobbit somehow. Palmeiro singles to left. For you newcomers to the sport who are puzzled by what you're reading, let me assure you that one of the objects of baseball IS, in fact, to get OUTS.
Two outs, runners at 1st and 2nd for Sabin's Brother. Clement floats up a couple more balls, so pitching coach Larry Rothschild comes out to tell him he hates him. Edgar finally taps the ball to short and gets thrown out by Alex Gonzalez. Cubs trail 0-2, which is problematic because they score negative 47 runs per game.
Commercials. There's Stamos. He's the franchise.
Bottom 1st, Cubs' lineup:
CF Kenny Lofton
2B Ramon Martinez
RF Sammy Sosa
LF Moises Alou
1B Randall Simon
3B Aramis Ramirez
SS Alex Gonzalez
C Damian Miller
P Matt Clement
Kenny Don't Kare doesn't kare about getting on base, because he lines out to Palmeiro in right.
It's da bad guy! Because he's bad. "Razor" Ramon sees the count even at 1. Chip thinks Danny Haren looks like some guy named Simmons. Not Faarooq. Steve: "I think you're thinking of Richard Simmons." Chip: "I never think of Richard Simmons." Ramon grounds to short, but the ball takes a seriously fucked-up hop and doinks off Renteria's glove. WE HAVE ANGELS IN THE INFIELD HERE, PEOPLE! It's rightly ruled a single.
SAMMY SOFA SAMMY SOFA SHECK IT OUT. He bombs one into the seats in foul ground. We see how Sammy (AND AUGIE) won the first game of the doubleheader yesterday. AUG-IE AUG-IE AUG-IE. Augie's like Rudy but smaller and with less athletic ability. Back to the present, Sammy drives one all the way to the warning track before Fat Albert leaps to make the catch. YES, A-TRAIN, YOU ARE THE A-TRAIN!
Mark Spitz will spit "dip" on you if you let him. Alou strokes one to left field, and Fat Albert's too obese to catch up to this one. Martinez almost gets thrown out fucking around at second base. Christ. Runners at 1st and 2nd, two outs.
Standing in is Bratwurst Beater. Quickly down 0-2. He grounds out to first to end the inning. Blat.
Commercials. Rafael Palmerio takes penis medication.
Top 2nd:
Math Is Hard. The Brewers are the hottest team in baseball, which is a sobering thought. Sobering because the Brewers are all fucking drunks, get it? Eh. Matheny singled while I was warming the bench of comedy.
The Cardinals' stupid pitcher will try a stupid sacrifice bunt. Jesus, did you just bean him, Clement? Gets two strikes on him and hits him in the hand. Haren rolls around in the filthy dirt while St. Louis manager TONY LARUSSA OVAH HEAAAAH comes out to check on his dying pitcher. He's fine. Crybaby.
Buff returns for our second trip through the order. He dribbles what should be a double play ball to second... Martinez tags out the pitcher and completes it.
Pappy Drewitt strands Matheny on third by popping out to That Very Base. Whee.
Commercials. RAMBO. I have a pig in Animal Crossing named Hambo.
Bottom 2nd:
"Aramis" Sounds Like An RPG Character. He's slumpin'. He bloops one down the left field line, but Renteria comes over to make a nice catch. One down.
The Blue Muppet is ready to do something crappy. He launches one straight at Fat Albert for the second out.
The Cub catcher is Jake the Snake's Snake. He calls timeout like he's Mr. Perfect or somebody. Way to strike out, Damian.
Commercials. I don't want any Viagra, mustachio.
Top 3rd:
Sign: "My Mom works at my SCHOOL and I'm skipping school... Go Cards!!" Chip insinuates that all Cardinal fans are idiots and dropouts.
Shave Your Back quickly pops out to Gonzalez. Triple Crown, my ass. More like TRIPLE CHIN! TRIPLE CHEESEBURGER!!! Albert's not even really fat, but shut up.
Tiny Martinez lines it to right, but Sammy makes the sliding catch. Then Rolen strikes out to cement Clement's (ROOFLES) first 1-2-3 inning. EVERYBODY THREE COUNT ONE TWO THREEEEEE.
Commercials. Don't drink Twinkies with straws, please.
Bottom 3rd:
Clement IMMEDIATELY gets plunked right on the back of the knee! AH KNOW YOU JUST DINNAT. The crowd boos heartily as everyone gets their dander up. The ump warns both benches. I wish Matt had charged the mound and started a big slappyfight. Larussa comes out to piss and moan. Dusty gets his designated bitchin' time, as well. I guess that was Haren's second pitch. The first one almost hit Clement on the foot. Asshole. Dusty's pissed off now, but he doesn't get ejected or anything interesting.
I see you there in the dugout, Augie, you little scamp! I wish there was a big brawl so he could start throwin' 'bows. Now Dusty and Larussa are jawing and cursing at one another? Fantastic. Dig my mad lip-reading skillz. Larussa: "BULLSHIT!" Dusty: "YEAH, FUCK YOU, TOO!"
Anyway, Lofton's finally at-bat. Grounder to first, double play. Bravo. Now that there's two outs and it won't matter, Martinez blasts a double down the left field line. Some Cardinal goon emerges from the dugout to yell at Haren.
EEET'S SO REEEEL. He's given an "unintentional" walk. Wink, wink. Moises steps in and singles to left! Fat Albert comes up throwing as Wendell Kim, worst third base coach in the universe, waves Martinez home! He's out by one hundred thousand feet! Barf! Wait, Kim was telling Martinez to stop, but Ramon was all "I CAN MAKE IT CHICO MANG", so it's his fault. I blamed the wrong foreigner.
Commercials. Cedric the Entertainer kills a poodle.
Top 4th:
As our announcers mourn the death of competent baserunning, Not The Viagra Guy bats. Clement immediately tries to walk him. He battles back to force the full count on Palmeiro, then gives up a single anyway. Next up, Renteria flies out to Sosa.
Matheny again. Sirens can be heard alerting us to Scott Steiner's presence in the Chicago area. Mike chops the ball to third and Ramirez starts the double play. Three minutes and we out, we out.
Commercials.
Bottom 4th:
Sargeant Sausage returns to the plate. He taps it up the middle, but Renteria makes the play. Ramirez pops out to Rolen in foul ground. Gonzalez takes one deep, but Drew nabs it on the warning track. No runs, no drips, no errors.
Commercials. Drink Bud Light and you'll get punched out by some castaway dude.
Top 5th:
That ass Haren bounces out on the first pitch. Next, Vina drives a single past Martinez. And Drew drops one in front of Sosa. Oy. Runners on 1st and 2nd, 1 out for Fat Albert. He finally gets ahold of one and tags it into center field. Lofton quickly gets it back in, forcing Vina to hold at third. Haha, Drew was all BEFUDDLED and got thrown out trying to get back to second. The Cubs should make a trade and add him to their collection of shitty baserunners.
It's up to Tino to drive in TEH RUNZ. Unless Clement throws a wild pitch, which he nearly did. Twice. The count evens at 2-2 before going full. Walk. Bark. Damian had to block a bunch of garbage in the dirt. And so the bases are full for Rolen. Clement nearly hits him before blowing a fastball by him. Popped toward the right field line... Martinez makes the catch. Whew.
Commercials. Read Parade magazine to learn about... parades?
Bottom 5th:
Damian wastes no time in flying out to Palmeiro in right. Clement's up. Maybe Haren can hit him in the FACE this time. He grounds out to third.... BUTWAIT, Mr. Gold Glove Scott Rolen put the throw in the dirt! Tino can't dig it, and Clement is safe at first. That's Rolen's third error of the series. Haw.
Let's see if Lofton can make something happen. The bat goes zooming out of his hands as he fouls the pitch off. Ha, it went in the Cardinal dugout. They just fucking throw it out on the field rather than have somebody return it to Kenny. Class. Lofton makes good contact, but Drew puts it away in center field.
Martinez needs to make amends for his third inning shitfuckery. He'd rather pop up to Buff Bagwell. Ass.
Commercials. Glug.
Top 6th:
The count runs full on Palmeiro. He fouls one off his shin. Goof. Orlando continues to foul everything off and bore me. Walk. Clement, you rapscallion.
We pause for station identification! I mark out for station identification. This is on WGN, in case you would ever care. Rebeaking this without the express written consent of Major League Baseball may be illegel. Clement gets the count on Renteria to 0-2 before throwing three straight balls. Edgar finally flies to left field, where Moises makes the catch. Some dumb rookies are warming up in the Chicago bullpen.
Matheny hacks the first pitch foul. He eventually shoots it through the middle of the infield for another single. With runners at 1st and 2nd, Haren will be making his second sacrifice attempt of the game. Damian has to save another would-be wild pitch. Rothschild calls for a meeting on the mound. Now Haren manages to put the bunt down and move the runners along. Clement's going to depart in favor of Felix Sanchez now. GOODBYE!
Commercials.
This is Sanchez'z'z'z Major League debut, so I don't have any wacky nicknames for him. Runners on 2nd and 3rd with two outs. Vina at the plate. Sanchez is Dominican. Perhaps one of Sammy's shoeshine boys. He's pitching about as well as Sosa. Three straight balls. No, four. Bases loaded for J.D. Drew. First pitch strike. Christ, Damian has to make another save. Big fat whiff for the second strike. Crowd on its feet... oh, shit. Drew hammers one to center, sending Lofton on the run. GRAND SLAM. Lord. That didn't even look like a home run swing. Welcome to the show, Felix Sanchez. You're a natural born Cub. 6-0 Cardinals.
Sanchez walks Fat Albert. STOP THE PAIN, TAZZ. Rothschild hits the mound to tell him he's awful. This is the longest inning in history. Tino punches the ball deep to center... catch it Kenny... he does, BARELY having room on the track. Pluh. Lofton forgets that's the third out, since the other two occurred during the Bronze Age.
Commercials. Sosa hits North Pole home runs better than Giambi.
Bottom 6th:
I'm going to dog it from here if you don't mind. Shit, Sosa hits a shot to third that rockets off Rolen's glove and into the seats. Ground rule double. Rolen's not dead or anything. Alou steps up and CRUSHES the ball, but it's well foul. Now he knocks one toward third... off the base and into left field! Sammy scores on Alou's single, and the Cubs get one back. Haren wastes time trying to pick Moises off while the bullpen warms up. He'll be taken down for Jeff Fassero, who is 200 years old.
Commercials.
Today's Budweiser FanCam is awfully cute, as we're shown Dusty and Tony swearing at one another to the strains of "Why Can't We Be Friends?" Moises and Fat Albert give each other some dap, as well. And here are the fat fans. Fassero's ready. He lost the game yesterday, what with his spotless 1-7 record and 5.97 ERA. He's got Randall Simon, who MURDERS the ball down the right field line! Stay fair, you slowcoach. Obviously, it does not. Simon instead dinks one to left for Pujols to glove.
Ramirez steps up and MASSACRES Fassero's offering to left! That one's not going foul, you bitches. Two run home run and the Cubs cut the lead to 6-3. Fassero's terrible. Probably because he's a former Cub. Alex Gonzalez takes the count to 3-1. Walked. ALF readies in the bullpen for Chicago. The Cards will waste some more time so a reliever can prepare to bail Fassero's awful ass out. Damian smokes one down the line! Gonzalez pulls up at third on Miller's double. Jeff Fassero, you're my favorite pitcher.
Kidcam Thief is going to pinch hit in the pitcher's spot. Why don't they get Fassero out of there? Masochists. Karros takes strike one on a terrible swing. Ugh, fouled off, 0-2. CINCH IT UP AND HUNKER DOWN, MAGS. I mean Eric. Karros barely lays off a ball in the dirt. "Clap, clap, clap" says the crowd. Swing and a miss. Shit. If Dusty wanted a strikeout he would have sent Hee Seop in.
So it's up to Lofton. He works a full count. Crowd on its feet once more... ball four! David Kelton keeps pretending to pinch hit before returning to the dugout. Doug Glanville is the one announced, but he's apparently another decoy. Fassero's finished.
Commercials. HEY BECKER HEY HEY BECKER HORF HORF
No, the pinch hitter really is Glanville instead of the expected Tony Womack. Whateva. Jerry Springer is your Cardinal pitcher. Russ Springer, whichever. Glanville jumps on the first pitch and grounds out to the shortstop. Bastard. The Cubs leave the bases loaded.
Commercials. I'm sick of commercials. I'm even more sick of your dick, Rafael.
Top 7th:
Wo-Back The Wo-Mack takes over at second base now that it's too late. Six-Finger Discount is the new Cub pitcher. Alfonseca has 12 fingers. And toes. At 5.19, his ERA is every bit as fat as he. A BUNT? You crazy, Scott Rolen. The ball's Rolen into foul territory. Scott strokes one into left field, where Alou dives like a MORON and turns it into a sure double. Dive or no dive, he had no chance at catching that.
Palmeiro at the plate. The hit-and-run is on as he grounds out to short. Rolen manages to advance to third with one out. Alfonseca gives Renteria the evil eye. There's a single through the gap between second and third. Rolen comes in to make it a 7-3 St. Louis lead. Matheny steps into the box. Ground ball to third, nice play by Ramirez, but a throw to second pulls Womack off the base. Renteria's ruled safe initially, but then slides off the bag and gets tagged out. Neither Edgar or Larussa agree with that call.
They let the pitcher Springer hit for himself with a runner on first and two outs. He goes down on strikes to start the:
Seventh Inning Stretch: Mike Ditka and his wife give us their rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame". Sign: "Coach's Unbearably Bad Singing". Jonathan? Ditka does "home team" instead of "Cubbies". SHOOT HIM ON SIGHT.
Commercials. Let's get this over with.
Bottom 7th:
This is my least favorite inning because they always have the singing assclown in the booth. Sammy has to start a rally. For Ghostwriter. He fouls one back into the press box and sends a gaggle of nerds scattering. Full count. The guy in the crawfish suit is out on the street! He's even playing soccer. I admire him. Sosa starts the inning off right with a walk.
Moises is up. I never needed to hear Mike Ditka discussing "naked plays". Alou SMOKES one... GONE! Two run blast to left, and it's a 7-5 game! 4 for 4 with 3 RBIs and 2 runs scored is Moises. Dayom. The bases are clear for Simon. Another full count. Popped up. Shit. The wind plays HEEL TRIX, but Renteria records the out. Ramirez hacks a pitch foul. Ditka makes delightful metaphors about toilets. Aramis pounds the ball to right center field, but Palmeiro's under it for the catch. Now Alex Gonzalez gets a pitch right down the middle of the plate and lays into it... into the bleachers! The solo shot brings Chicago within a run.
Miller comes up and slices one toward the outfield grass, but Vina makes a great pick-up to throw him out by a step. That ends the inning, but the Cubs have made it interesting thanks to the power of Ditka's creepiness.
Commercials.
Top 8th:
Mark "Woody" Guthrie takes the mound for the Cubs. He wrote "This Land is Your Land", if I'm not mistaken. Vina is the first batter he'll face. The Cardinals have the worst winning percentage in one-run games of any team in the National League. Fernando sends that pitch sailing toward the gap, however... over the head of Lofton and to the wall. Vina motors all the way to third. Christ. J.D. Drew waves at the first offering for strike one. All he needs to hit for the cycle is a triple. That pop fly to left won't help. Vina doesn't risk tagging up as Alou makes the shallow catch.
Fat Albert's due next. Curses. Guthrie wisely opts for the intentional walk. He'll deal with Tino Martinez instead. He lines the ball straight to Simon! VERY nearly a double play as Fat Albert waddled back to the base nanoseconds before Simon stepped on it. Guthrie's done for the day.
Commercials.
Dusty Baker sure loves that double switch craziness. Gonzalez leaves, Womack moves to short, and Mark Grudzielaekandsjkzmzlz takes over at second base. JOE SCHMO is the newest Cub pitcher. Scott Rolen pops the first pitch up! Word. Sammy snags it, and the Cardinals squander a lead-off triple.
Commercials.
Bottom 8th:
St. Louis brings in The Dirtiest Player In The Game to challenge the Cub lineup. Steve Kline has the most ghetto hat in baseball. I believe he drops it in the sewer, sprinkles it with dead bugs, lets a rat chew on it and finishes up by urinating all over it. It's quite endearing. Womack starts the inning. Starter Woody Williams works in the Cardinal bullpen for some strange reason. Chopper up the middle by Womack! Hustle, you fat little man! Renteria's throw is low and dropped by Martinez! I think Tony would have been safe anyway. Steve Stone doesn't. I guess Edgar did double-clutch like a goon, but it's ruled a base hit.
Lofton's at the plate. He puts down a nice sacrifice bunt to get Womack into scoring position. Larussa's got a short leash on Professor Filthyhat, as he's going to the pen.
Commercials.
WE GOT WOOD OMG is the Cardinal pitcher. This is like Chicago bringing Mark Prior in for a save. HIGHLY ILLOGICAL. Chip tells us it's Woodrow's first relief appearance since 1996. Other changes see Tino Martinez leave the game, Fat Albert lumber on over to first base, and Well It's The Big So take over in left. Taguchi's first name is "So"? Japs. The recently un-Drozzled Mark Grudzielanik gets an RBI chance. I'm sure I misspelled his name, but they didn't put the little chyron up again. First pitch is in the dirt. Line-drive to the opposite field! INTO THE GAP! That's gonna roll allllll day long! Womack scores! Grudzielanik wants three! RBI triple, tie game!!! Raise the roof.
All Sammy needs is a sacrifice fly for a Chicago lead. Woody goes right down the heart of the plate rather than pitch around him and deal with the blingin' Alou. Fuck, Sosa pops up. Fat Albert makes the grab in foul territory. Will they walk Alou? I sure fucking would. Moises takes a cut and puts it out of play. LINE DRIVE! IT DROPS IN FRONT OF TAGUCHI! CUBS LEAD! Moises is 5 for 5! I wish he'd get accused of spitting on an umpire EVERY game. Simon ends the inning with a fly to Taguchi, and we go to the final frame. Standing O from the crowd, which is like Big O but with more standing.
Commercial. Not even your erectile dysfunction can bring me down now, Palmeiro.
Augie O'Hata is in at shortstop! AUG-IE AUG-IE AUG-IE! Augie is a portent of great things. Lock it down, Borowski, you big Polock. First pitch to Palmeiro, strike one! Ball one. Sliced foul, strike two. High and outside for a ball. Deep fly toward Moises, who gives chase... got it! One down.
Woody Williams is on the hook for the loss. That'll teach him to come in in the 8th all higgledy-piggledy. Edgar Renteria will try to get something done for St. Louis. Strike one. Strike two! The fans are standing. CHECK SWING, STRIKE THREE!!!
Cards are down to their last out. It'll be Jim Edmonds coming off the bench to try and be the hero. Yikes. "LET'S GO CUBS" chant. First pitch is a ball. Second catches the outside corner for a strike! Edmonds bitches about the call. Hush up yo' mouf. Strike two, same location! One pitch away... SWING AND A MISS!!! CUBS WIN!!! What a fucking great game. Chicago battled back from what once was a six run deficit. Now I look like a tool for being all doom and gloom about how awful the Cubs are. So solly.
Alou gives a post-game interview.
FUN FAX: This was the largest Cubs' comeback since June 22, 1999.
Winning Pitcher: Joe Borowski (2-2)
Losing Pitcher: Woody Williams (14-8)
Your Budweiser Play of the Game is Moises Alou's two-run jack in the bottom of the seventh, followed by the go-ahead RBI single in the eighth.
Holy Cow.
Final Thoughts: I'm sorry this rebeak was so goddamn long and boring. And I hope eviljonhunt didn't read it. Or anyone else, for that matter.