April 23, 2002
Rebeaker: TNM
I am a small, meek, bespectacled nerd entering a hive of drunks and retards, so my only hope was to make it out alive. I think that's poor subject-verb agreement. Anyway, the Civic Center is fucking tiny, because Peoria is a pretty sorry-ass place. Seemed sold out, though. I arrived at 7:10, about 20 minutes early, and some stupid girls and their dad were in my seat. I eventually tattled to an usher. I GOT ALL THE STROKE AROUND HERE. Seats were quite a ways back in the lower bowl, but the view was good. Directly across from the big stupid fist. Upper deck in this shitty venue is probably comparable to most places' front row, though. Tiny.
I didn't bring any signs, but you can be assured that they would have said smarky things like "Tommy Dreamer stole my physique" or "Crash Holly is a substandard movie critic". I guess those aren't even Smackdown guys. Going from memory, because I wasn't about to bring a notepad like some dorky Jimmy Olsen. Jesus, Jimmy Olsen was a photographer. I can't even get my similes straight.
Tony Chimel eventually got bizzy and our MAIN EVENT was two fags from some local radio station armwrestling. Some guy named "Wonderbread" won. I hate the radio. Then there was what I assume was a dark match between Kim Neilsson or whoever and Dawn Marie. Kim got the pin with her feet on the ropes. Mild ECDUB chant for Dawn. The Civic Center's only redeeming quality is that it was the place where Steve Corino took the fight to Limp Bizkit.
JAKKED ATTACK ON PLANET STASIAK. The Hurricane's out to face Chavo, so I am way happy. Eddie's old WCW music rules so, so much. Guererro won a decent match by grabbing the tights on a roll-up. Some drunk screams "WE WANT NORMAN SMILEY" and all the smarks and I laugh. Nasally.
Lance Storm vs. Hugh Morrus next. Jesus, it's like WCW all over again. Lance got another ECW chant, but that was the end of that chant for the rest of the night. Morons. The match was a DQ because both men molested the referee too much. Then Jazz successfully defended her title against Ivory with the STF. Glorified squash.
Somebody had a sign that said "KIRBY *HEARTS* BOYS". Sofa would not approve. I guess the Jakked MAIN EVENT was Test/Godfather against Faarooq/Venis. Godfather dresses like Li'l Bow Wow now. He got a big pop despite me saying "He's a HEEL, PPL". Idiots chanted "We Want Hos" and Godfather got perturbed. Faarooq pinned him with a PINEBUSTER, but the heels got the final beatdown. Oh yeah, Al Snow and Chris Leary/Random Jobber announced Jakked. They left now.
Cole and Tazz came out. I love Tazz. Smackdown started with Hogan, so I cried. I cannot believe the cheers he gets. HHH came out to supposedly wrestle a rematch with Hulk, so I vowed myself to be an HHH fan for the night. An Triple H fan. But Vince said NUH UH. It would be Helmsley/Jericho, with the winner facing Hogan next week for the title. SO much better. McMahon did some Hogan posing and Hunter water-spitting before he left, which was ridiculously hilarious.
Backstage, Tajiri and the Panty Pals had a racist conversation. Rico was all "two snaps up" to Torrie, but Billy and Chuck gave Tajiri his very own gay headband. Those three faced Kidman, Al Snow, and Maven. Maven's learned a nice heel kick, but his dropkick looked like shit. The Panty Pals run away in their underwear when Al and Maven steal their panties. Lord. Torrie also pantsed Rico. This allowed Kidman to beat Tajiri with the Shooting Star Press. Fucking YES. Post-match, Al and Maven donned their foes' panties and fagged it up.
"THE SECOND NEXT BIG THING" Randy Orton got tricked into molesting Stacy backstage, so Vince made him face Hardcore Holly. Compared to Lesnar, or just about anybody, Orton is completely unimpressive. He didn't do anything cool. I guess they want people to be all hot and bothered by his physique, but he looks exactly like Jindrak or O'Haire. Pssh. He upset Bob with a fancy roll-up.
This is all out of order, because I don't know what the fuck happened when. Kurt Angle had a new shirt to debut. Only fat people can wear it, because it has to be at least XXL to have room for all his accomplishments. He should have given me one. In a WACKY PRANK, Edge switched the shirt for another. You could tell it was wacky because he kept waggling his tongue. Anyway, Kurt had a big red carpet shirt unveiling and rightfully made fun of us fatties from Peoria. Edge's wacky shirt just said "YOU SUCK". THAT EDGE!
All that lead to Edge/Rikishi vs. Angle/Albert at some point. I "AN-GULL"ed to his music instead of doing what the peasants do. It was one of the best matches of the night. Weird. Rikishi got Olympic Slammed AND Baldobombed. Albert pinned him.
Backstage, Mark Henry bent a metal frying pan. He could have cooked his lard in that instead of just ruining it. Then he bent a metal rod. Christian got mad and hit Henry with the pan because he lost his money. It's not like the WWF gives him very much. Then the two wrestled. Operatic entrance is SO AWESOME. Christian submitted to a stupid bearhug, and I was sad.
Brutha D-Von wandered around to show us the light. He has a hatbox with a slot in it now so people can't STEAL the collection money. However, a dude DID steal the hatbox, so D-Von learned him some Catholic manners. At first I thought the guy was Orton, then I thought Stasiak, but it looked to be just a random plant. He had Rodney hair, so maybe it was Rodney. That'd be cool. But I don't think the Posse would do that, God-fearing Republicans that they are.
In retrospect, that was a pretty sorry amount of matches, but I still liked it. The Jericho/HHH main ruled. Walls of Jericho spot had Helmsley's arm falling once, twice, but NOT THRICE. Triple H was about to hit the Pedigree, but I became an Undertaker supporter for about five seconds because he came out to bother Hunter. Jericho stole the win with yet another roll-up. HUZZAH! Triple H took a chokeslam and the Walls after the match until Hogan came out to run Taker off. Jericho just walked to the back, because he's a genius. The televised show should end with him making cool faces.
But then Jericho had to sneak out again. NO JERICHO DON'T DO IT YOU'RE GOING TO GET BEAT UP. He did. Chairshot and Pedigree. SEND ME HOME SAD. Hunter postured for like 10 minutes, and even I cheered a little. As long as it wasn't Hogan. Stupid people chanted "Rocky", but The Rock obviously had no intention of showing up so I think they were chanting for me. Thanks, guys!
I'm glad I didn't bring signs, because people with view-obstructing signs are more despised than Satan. I later went out and spent ALL MY MOMMY'S MONEY on cheesy souvenirs. Actually, half of it was mine, but that was just from cashing my pennies in at the drug store like Dennis The Menace so it didn't seem like real money. The selection was pathetic and the Jericho shirt was boring as hell, so I ended up buying Hurricane shirts for my girlfriend and I and an ugly Undertaker hat for "Rick", who I hate. You're an asshole, Rick. $28, $28, and $22. Oy. Thought about buying a bobblehead, too. I am mad retarded.