JESUS FUCK IT'S COLD. I need a ski-mask. Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you, Muhammad Hassan's terrorists. I've got my mug of hot chocolate, my unbuttoned work shirt hanging open to reveal my sexy chest, and all I need is a hot water bottle to place atop my adorable little head. Fuck it, I'll just rebeak like this. Please, ladies, hold your thrown panties until the very end.

It's already past midnight as I start this, so let's see if I can pull an all-nighter. 12:51 / is the time I sat / down to rebeak this / stupid piece of crap. Little down-home country music to celebrate the fact that Jarrett won't be losing the title.

So yeah, I've been having myself a bit of a night. I fucking dare you to give me a shitty PPV, TNA. I'll go all Austin Aries in a heartbeat.

Begin the countdown to Against All Odds at 30:00. If ever there was a PPV Pete Rose needed to crash, it'd be this one. Kane, Abyss, same thing. HOW 'BOUT IT? HOW 'BOUT IT?

How 'bout it?

Once they actually turn his mic up, Jeremiah Was A Borash lies about having to turn away hundred of fans from this jam-packed arena. The black ones. Borash dresses like Disco Inferno. "With the World Title picture hanging in the balance..." The actual title's not hanging in the balance. Just a picture of it.

Match graphics. Team 3-D vs. Team Canada. I like how Eric Young's holding his poor, weak heart in that graphic. Rhino vs. Abyss in Falls Count Anywhere. Except in the Baseball Hall Of Fame. HOW 'BOUT IT??? Joe vs. Styles vs. Daniels for the X-Title. Jeff Jarrett vs. Christian Cage "for all the marbles." Jarrett's probably got some pretty badass ones. All airbrushed to look like planets and shit.

Interspersed bits of the Jarrett and Christian video packages from Impact.

"A-1" Billy Gunn v. Rich Chocolate Ovaltine

Team Canada's out en masse. Get that Big Mass. Barking from D'Amore. Sign: "TRUE CANADIANS SUPPORT 3-D EH!" Why? They're always talking shit about your country. Nice Adidas track jacket on Dancin' White Boy, who gets his Monkey on. I wish all awful wrestlers had a spastic fan like him to amuse me. K-Kwik's shitty new song asks us What's Up. Only The Deadlies know. Asinine dancing as Team Canada stands around. Referee Andrew Thomas decides to send them all to the penalty box. Farewell, four people who are better than A-1. Mr. Class gets out his hanky and waves his friends a tearful goodbye until Killings schoolboys him for two. A-1 pops up with a shove, so Ronald reciprocates. Lockup, side headlock by A-1. Whipped off, K-Kwik falls to a shoulderblock. Off the ropes, A-1 hops over, Killings leapfrogs into a splitz for literally no reason, then hits the ropes to block a hiptoss in favor of one of his own. Another one, into an armbar. A-1 gets jacked in the head as the crowd starts going "WHAT'S UP?" like idiots. Corner whip reversed by A-1, but Killings slings over his charge and backflips for no reason. Splitz under a clothesline, twisty leg lariat. 1, 2, no. Slappypunch. Whip, A-1 tries to swing out all clownishly, stumbling over Killings' foot and falling down. Was that... supposed to happen? Kick by Ron, off the ropes, twisty Axe Kick. 1, 2, 3. What in the fucking fuck was the deal there? "What's Up," one might ask.

Don West's tie looks like a Dreamsicle. I hope Tenay starts licking it. Somebody write fanfiction about that.

Video package preview of the Falls Count Anywhere match.

"THESE ARE THE AUTHENTIC REMAINS OF A FIJI MERMAID!!!" Haha, this might be awesome. It's Welcome To Atlantis (Where The Players Play) and DODO! UHHHH-BYSS! showing off the totally authentic piece of extinct crap they bought from the trustworthy @Lx Shelley on eBay. Were it a merman, Alex would have kept it for himself. "A creature that reminds me a great deal of you, Rhino!" A great deal on eBay. "Just like you, these war machines of the sea had a long, well-deserved reputation as vicious, bloodthirsty predators. That is, until they made the mistake of migrating into waters where they were no longer at the top of the food chain and drove themselves to extinction. The same situation you find yourself in tonight when you face the monster Abyss in a Falls Count Anywhere match! Do you realize, Rhino, that the rulebook is thrown out the window? The only stipulation is somebody must be pinned somewhere, and it can be anywhere!" Even Under The Sea. "Taking a fight with Abyss out of the ring and onto the floor is like jumping out of a goldfish bowl and into a shark tank, because you'll be in Abyss' element! He can use the entire arena as a weapon, and it goes beyond tables and chairs... He can split your skull open a forklift! He can take a guardrail off of the bleachers and drive it right through your sternum! He can slam your head with a steel door until you vomit blood and cranial fluid drains out your nose! And although I've never been one to pray, just this one night, I pray with every fiber of my being that Abyss takes you up those four stories to the catwalk sixty feet above the ring, 'cause when he does, I'll give him the signal... Click. Dooooomsday... to Black Hole Slam you sixty feet down to the ground! And then you can join this Fiji Mermaid in my collection, stuffed and mounted on my trophy wall courtesy of the monster Abyss!" Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen. But then, I didn't think mermaids were real, either, so what do I know?

We Make Great Valentine's Day Gifts v. We Knew Mermaids Were Real

I'm sure your girlfriend would love to own her very own Shannon Moore. Keep him in a pet carrier and teach him tricks. Wait, nobody reading this has a girlfriend, so let's call the whole thing off. Skipper, David Young, and Moore vs. Shark Boy, Hoyt, and Cassidy Riley. Yikes. Shannon's got some stupid music with actual lyrics. HMM, YES. Elix gets a little too rowdy, causing Simon to be all "STEP OFF, MAN, THE PEOPLE ARE TRYIN' TO SEE ME THINK." I bet he could make thought bubbles appear if he tried really hard. HOYT HOYT HOYT DURR DURR RETARDED. Someone appears to have spent hours upon hours drawing rather elaborate charcoal portraits of David Young and Thinkin' Simon Diamond, which is disturbing. Don't worry, Lance Hoyt, you'll make it onto the PPV proper one day. I only hope I'm not alive to see that day.

Shannon starts with Cassidy in a brutal encounter between feminine names. Lockup, Moore goes behind to clubber. Forearm, chop, forearm. Whip, clothesline ducked, handspring elbow by Riley! Got those mad Dwyane Wade hops. The Prince Of Dunk. Ravensault delivered by Cassidy! 1, 2, no. Head to the buckle, then that other one. Corner whip by Cassidy, but Shannon gets boots up on the charge. Ready for the Mooregasm, but Dave tags himself in. He's quickly made an ass of, as Riley drop toeholds him into Water On The Knee. And who knows more about water than Shark Boy! Tag. He dropkicks Young in the head as Cassidy has an STF applied. Into the corner goes David. Ten-count punchalong, culminating with a big, fake bite. Is there even a hole on the mouth of that mask, or does he just bite through spandex? Gross. Shark Boy sharks out for himself before calling the Dead Sea Drop, which has never hit and never will. I think that was supposed to be a 'rana or something, actually, but David shoved him down. Nobody home for the guillotine legdrop, causing Young to injure his rumpus. THE ASS IS EXPOSED! Assbite assbite mahgawd. Dave gets pissed and rushes into SB's modified reverse neckbreaker. 1, 2, no. Corner whip reversed, Shark Boy dodges Young's splash, ducks Elix's apron clothesline, and clocks Skipper. Right before turning around into Young's Anderson spinebuster! Shannon's rarin' to get back in, but Young tags Skipper because no one likes Shannon Moore. Primteime whips Shark Boy into a drop toehold and elbowdrop across the back. Dorsal fin. Cover gets two. Double underhook suplex employed by Elix. He lured Shark Boy in with delicious double underworms. 1, 2, no.

Back to Young. Moore: "TAG ME!!!" Heh. This match is more enjoyable than it has a right to be, but then again, Hoyt hasn't tagged in yet. Dave gets a free kick to Shark Boy's ribs. Leveling him with a forearm to the maw. Whip, lariat wipes Shark Boy out. Tag back to Elix, and Shannon's on the verge of pulling a Jindrak. Which is ironic, because he was the one on whom Mark Jindrak pulled that Jindrak. Young gutwrenches Shark boy up, allowing Skipper to knock him down with a tomahawk chop off the top rope. Slow to cover, gets two. Crowd rallies for Shark Boy as Elix snapmares him and prepares ninja spine kicks, but Moore manages to tag himself in. It's all about him! And now Shark Boy's beating his ass, haha. Punch, punch, punch. Off the ropes, but Moore catches him and shoots him straight overhead with an exploder suplex! 1, 2, Cassidy breaks the pin. Armbar applied by Moore. SB punches loose, but Moore hauls him down by the fin. Off the ropes and into Skipper's blind tag. He and Shannon shove one another a whole lot! While Shark Boy just quietly crawls away and tags in that festering douchebag. That was pretty cute. Hoyt knocks Elix down with a cross-chop before clotheslining Moore. And Young earns himself a double sledge. Hiptoss on Elix, backdrop on Shannon, side suplex on Dave. Kick for Elix, pumphandled up, and down he comes. 1, 2, Young breaks. Riley brawls with him, but Shannon ambushes. Whip reversed by Cassidy, but Moore sends him flying to the floor with a big backdrop! Meanwhile, we miss Skipper delivering his roundhouse kick on Hoyt. The Diamonds plant Lance with THE EVERLASTING THROBSTOPPER!!! Po' po' po' one out. Wow, that was not a joke I expected to lose the race to. I suppose I'll just pile back into my dirigible and be on my way. Cover by Skipper, but SHANNON ATTACKS HIM because he's a punk, man, he don't care! The Jindrackee has become The Jindracker! Beating up on Young, as well. Moore pitches him, then turns back to Skipper. West: "HE'S GONE ROGUE ON 'EM OUT THERE!" Shannon tosses Skipper, too. He wants to beat Hoyt himself. Riiiight. And what better way to do it than Water On The Knee! Riiiight. Haha, Elix breaks the half-crab by kicking the fuck out of Shannon's back! Horrible heel jobbers getting all pissy with each other is something I can get behind. Elix whips Moore, but he bails out. And Shannon decides to take a stroll up the ramp. Unbeknownst to Skipper, Hoyt is lurking... scooped up into a one-armed powerbomb. That's the Texas Powerbomb. Scintillating. Get down, turn around, go to town, Doot-Scootin' Boogie. 1, 2, 3. West: "The TCP for the one, two, three!" I have no idea what initials he said, actually. Oh, TPB? I figured it out with my deductive skills. Oh, Texas Towerbomb. Neither of the announcers knows how to speak properly. Simon Diamond glares off in Shannon's direction with this awesome "I hate that guy SO MUCH" look. "HE MESSED IT UP! THAT GUY'S A GLORYHOUND!"

AJ Styles package. Becoming a Daniels package. And now Joe's like "Shut up, the both of you's." "I've fought you both. I've beaten you both. Your friendship means nothing to me. Your conflict means nothing to me. All that matters is myyy championship. And I will do anything, no matter the cost, to keep it." Resistance is futile. Your babies will be assimilated. Daniels says he won't stop until he gets enough. Joe: "Think about a future where you never compete again. Think about a future where you never walk again. I am The Alpha and The Omega. AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, this is your future." Joe's awesome.

What the hell are we going to do with this last five minutes? Oh god, the part where West climbs into the crowd and makes shadow puppets, right? Recapping the card. James Gang vs. LAX is so important that we're never going to talk about it. Same with AMW vs. Anime Jerks, but that's understandable.

Jeremy Borash is backstage in Zbyszko's office. OOOH, Dave Hebner, as well! Intriguing! Larry has been having a lot of meetings to ensure a level playing field in tonight's main event. "I'm talkin' about no outside interference. And I'm talkin' about no weapons in existence." What about weapons that don't exist yet? Jarrett might warp into the 29th Century and get a lightsaber or something. He's tricky like that. Larry says the referee situation has been "taken care of." If it's Sting, that'll be so gay.

Aw, fuck. Seriously, why do they let him do this month after month? Three minutes of Hell with Donald West. I would give anything I own for Rosey and Jamal to attack right now. Fat broad's shirt: "DO YOU HEAR THAT? IT'S THE SOUND OF NO ONE CARING." How apropos. Good, cut to the music video with 1:30 left. The A.V. Club better be doing something tonight, that's all I have to say. Wa-wa-wee-wa!

So begins the Paper View.

Earlier Today, Christian's car rolled into the parking lot. And off he walks with his little duffel.

Also, Eric Young continued fretting about the existence of Sting, but D'Amore didn't want to hear it. "I swear to god, I'll slap you." Jarrett pulls up in his sweet outer-space jeep. In his blaze orange "ACE" shirt. Gail's there, as well. D'Amore's got the tape on Jackie. "Alex Shelley did an unbelievable job!" Maybe Jarrett will sponsor his application to the Academy now. Jeff's still concerned about Christian, but D'Amore says he's not a problem. Yo, T-Squared, solve it. But Eric disobeys orders and brings up the Sting problem. Jarrett: "What is wrong with you?" D'Amore: "*waving Eric off in a exaggerated manner behind Jarrett's back*" But Jeff wants to hear it. "Tell me, Eric. You can talk to me." Haha. Eric spills the beans, but Jarrett's not worried. Jeff: "Repeat after me... Sting is gone." Eric: "S-Sting is gone." Jeff: "Sting is gone." Eric: "Sting is gone." Jeff: "Sting is gone, okay?" Eric: "Sting is gone." Jeff: "Just keep repeatin' it, okay?" Eric: "Sting is gone. Sting is gone. Sting is gone." Jarrett wants words with Zbyszko, leaving Eric to repeat his new mantra.

Against All Odds opening. "MUTUAL DISLIKE." Whoa, c'mon guys, don't say that you DISLIKE each other. That's something you just can't take back.

The crowd likes TNA, as it turns out. Sign: "MEDAL COUNT: USA - 3, CANADA - 2, TEAM 3D - 18." What? When did that happen? Did Brother Raye win the luge in his sexy bodysuit?

The Backbreakfast Club v. Natural Selection Produces Weird Monkeys Like Roderick Strong

I could go for some delicious backbreakfast, seeing as it's four in the fucking morning. Strong: "It's our time, baby!" Curtain-jerking time? Where the fuck is Shelley? Don't you... forget about him. The A.V. Club seems to be drifting apart after graduation, and I am distraught. They're wrestling the fucking Naturals again? God damn it. Aries and Strong jump The Naturals prior to the bell. Double whips reversed, double clotheslines ducked, but each member of Tha Club ends up taking an inverted atomic drop. Naturals hit the ropes and cut them down with clotheslines. Whipping the heels into a collision, then wiping them out with standing dropkicks. Austin and Rod try to bail, but Aries gets caught at the apron. Double suplexed back in before Strong can snatch him. Stevens covers and gets two. Weird European uppercut stuns Aries. His legs buckle as he's pinballed about between Andy and Chase. Pratfall. Tag to Douglas, double corner whip, rebound bulldog onto Stevens' knee. 1, 2, no. Straight right hand knocks Aries flat. Head to the buckle, then a knife-edge chop. "AUS-TIN AR-IES" chant, because who the fuck likes The Naturals? Hint: nobody. They swing Aries into that double straitjacket takedown. He IS very crazy, so I can accept it. Cover by Chase, but Roderick hustles in to break. West says Strong and Aries are "dynamite young guys," which is funny given their affinity for blowing things up. Roderick, to the ref: "SHUT UP." Imitating Michael Smith only makes me like you more. Chase shoves at Strong before turning back to Austin. Spinning him into inverted DDT position, then hitting two quick backbreakers on the knee. Spun back around into a Flatliner for two. Elbow to the back of the neck before bringing Douglas in. You might want to stop jobbing soon, Austin. It might help your chances.

Stevens fireman's carries Aries into a facebuster on the knee, setting him up for Andy's flying reverse neckbreaker. Again, Strong stops the pin by fussing with Douglas' nasty, stringy hair. Whip reversed by Aries, allowing Rod to sneak in a cheap knee. To little effect, as Andy drills him, knocking him off the apron. Aries starts scuttling around, but he's tossed into a spear that hits his partner through the ropes. And they tumble outside. Steven whips Andy in for over-the-top backdropperies, but he changes course and lands on the apron when he sees that The Club has scattered. Boot for Strong, but Aries gets Douglas' foot and yanks him down, bashing his face on the apron. Strong praises his partner's quick thinking while they stand there for an hour and watch Stevens climb up... Shooting Star Press to the floor kills them both! Ultimately landing on Austin's leg, which looks legitimately injured. This is going well, wouldn't you say??? Let's watch a replay as the ref checks on Aries. Who will likely be laying there for the rest of the match. Stevens tosses Strong in, Oklahoma Roll, 1, 2, no. Had that been the finish, I would have started a riot. Predict it, Cowlishaw. Stevens, to Strong, I think: "Is he hurt?" Yeah, I'd say so, dickweed. Rod comes back with an eye rake and a back clubber. Aries returns to the apron and tags in, moving around with none of his trademark fury. Stevens beats him up. Whip reversed, but Chase slides outside through Strong's legs and takes out his feet. Busting Rod in the face, but Aries absolutely OBLITERATES Stevens with a tope suicida!!! HE'S FOUND HIS FROWN. Popping up and putting the motherfucking badmouth on him. This rules. Stomping away. West: "Austin Aries is like a bullet!" Yes, in that he will kill you. Replay. That was vicious. "AUS-TIN AR-IES."

Strong tosses Stevens in for Aries' two count. I guess it's worth getting jobbed out for seventeen solid minutes if you're going to swing the pendulum like that. Chase is locked in a front chancery as Strong tags in to whack the back. Double whip, double leg trips, double punching him in the head! GET THE LUNCH MONEY, GET THE LUNCH MONEY! I adore The A.V. Club. Douche poses all around before Rod covers for two. Side backbreaker on the knee. 1, 2, no. Corner whip, cheap shot by Aries before he tags back in. Slinging into the ring with an added back elbow to the jaw. Knife-edge chop by Aries, the momentum of which he uses to douche around. Chase gets pissed and fights off both heels, but Aries prevents a tag by locking him up with a drop toehold. Roderick returns to drop an elbow on the back. Rear facelock applied by Roderick as the crowd gets behind The Naturals. A jawbreaker sends Strong staggering into a tag to Aries. Austin skips across the ring and busts Douglas with a forearm before he can get into the match. Now Douglas has to be restrained, allowing The Club to doubleteam. Corner whip for Stevens, after which Aries shoots Strong in with a forearm smash. And Austin finishes it off with the corner dropkick! 1, 2, no. Aries plays with an invisible lasso or something before dropping an elbow off the bottom rope onto Stevens. Lazy cover, 1, 2, no. Tag to Strong, who's headed up... elbowdrop off the second rope! THEY'RE BUILDING TO SOMETHING. 1, 2, no. Stomp to the chest and a tag back to Aries, as Strong yells "UP TOP!" Climbing, climbing, doot-doot-doo, threatening some Rick Rude hip gyrations... but Stevens stumbles into the ropes and crotches him! Strong gets decked, as well, but Austin grabs Chase by the hair... and Stevens chucks him off! Diving under a clothesline to make the tag! Andy kills everybody with punching. Whip on Strong, dopey miscommunication, and ultimately eating the high knee. Whip for Aries, big backdrop. Douglas loads Strong up on the turnbuckles and punches away. Austin comes a-runnin', so his head is sent into Roderick's crotch. And now Strong gets super-hurricanrana'd onto Aries' corpse! Cover on Austin, 1, 2, NO! Douglas calls for Stevens to knock Austin down from powerbomb position with his dropkick, but Strong cuts Chase off the apron. And now he throws a chop block on Douglas, causing Aries to land on top! Reaching back to hook a leg, one, two, NO!!! Double whip by The Club, double elbows to the gut, and Aries lariats Douglas into Strong's CRUSHING German suplex! I call that Hitler's Birthday. Aries covers, 1, 2, NO! Shit. Aries is making the international symbol for "TAKE HIM UP" as Rod heaves Douglas into a fireman's carry... ARCH DELUXE GUTBUSTER on the knees, staggering into Aries' forearm, which spins him right back around to eat a faceful of TRENCHCOAT MAFIA KICK!!! 1, 2, STEVENS SAVES GOD DAMN IT. Chase ducks Roderick's clothesline and ejects him as my hopes for this match ending well begin to wane. Aries hooks Chase for a suplex, but Stevens goes behind and inverted suplexes him up into position for the Disaster! PLZ HLP, MONKEYMAN. Just like last time, he takes out Andy's feet! Aries rolls Stevens up and grabs the ropes, but that well has run dry, as referee Shut Up sees it this time. Don't pay attention to him, Aries! Just tell him to shut up and mind your business! Stevens spins Austin into punches. Aries attempts a whip, but Stevens reverses as both Naturals lurk... tilt-a-whirled up, Natural Disaster! 1, 2, 3. Why do the people I like never, ever get pushed? Don't point at me, Douglas, you fucksack. You just made the list. Schindler's List. Good stuff, though.

Tenay is breaking things down for us. Freestyle. Yo yo, I'm The Puhfessuh and I'm here to say, I'm gonna praise El Dandy in an uncomfortable way!

Earlier Today, Larry Z talked. God knows we need a replay of that! Some people might still be awake!

Borash is hanging out in the locker room with some Space Invaders. Harris and Storm have some words for Sonjay and Sabin. Topato: "Boys, you were very impressive in that tournament..." Sheriff Pony, snickering: "Was you drunk or somethin', man?" Hahaha. Let's talk to D'Amore now. He thinks Gail owes him "a very public apology" (BJ) now that the Alex Shelley plan went so well. Gail says she's sorry as Scott continues to mock her. D'Amore promises to roll tape next week on Impact. Larry barges in like a space scow hauling intergalactic garbage and lets the Invaders know that anyone interfering in the main event will be fired on the spot. D'Amore just giggles about it. Zbyskzo gets all strict as Hebner backs him up with this little sychophantic douchebag nod.

I-BLAX MOVIE MAGIC v. Can I Be In Your Short Film? v. Can I Star Opposite Val Venis? v. I'm Gettin' Too Old For This Shit

@Lx is foregoing The A.V. Club for this? Why yes, he does have a bikini girl on his shirt, thank you for asking. Riding a pistol. Clearly the shirt of some band no one has ever heard of and probably doesn't even exist. Camera set up. There's the Capital A. I was going to call it The Letterbomb, but now that he's not helping Austin Aries kill people, it's just not the same. Eyeblack, but only under one eye. A single Shade of Poker Face here at this poker-themed PPV. Petey second, Bentley and Traci third. Make-Out City's a two-horse town, and Matt rode off into the sunset long ago. Traci sure is hot sometimes. Dressed like Russian Little Red Riding Hood or some shit like that. Communism. Bouncing around in the crowd. Can #4 be Kenny King plz? Jay Lethal, same thing. His music has people shooting lasers at the beginning. You know, they might as well just announce matches like this ahead of time, because I certainly care more about these than any James Gang bullcrap.

Alex doesn't want to start, as he's laying around on the middle rope already. It's Peter and Bentley. "LET'S GO *PEOPLE*." UP WITH PEOPLE. Lockup, side headlock by Williams, but Bentley powers out to a wristlock. Driving Petey down, but he squirms back up and wrings the arm. Matt goes roly-poly to reverse, then snapmares Petey down for an armbar. Forearm shots break it. Petey reverts to the headlock, but Bentley plants him with a back suplex. Following up with a snap suplex is Matthew. Cover has Shelley running in like it's really going to end there. Nice pigtails, Matt. Scoop slam by he, off the ropes, big jumping kneedrop. Gets two, as Shelley's still threatening to run in. Petey wants a timeout and successfully lures Bentley into getting his face pitched into the middle turnbuckle. Up into the Maple Tree of Woe already. Preparing to stand on the crotch, but a new chapter in Petey's adorable love affair with Traci is set to unfold. Going to the apron to grab her by the hair, but Bentley recovers and clotheslines Petey back into the ring. Up top goes Matt... missile dropkick! Williams flops into the corner, so Shelley tags himself in. Alex yells very loudly as Matt throws him around the ring with hiptosses and armdrags. To an armbar, but Alex uses the hair to whip Bentley into the ropes. And Jay tags himself in. Heh, Alex gets mad and starts scaling the ropes when the crowd chants for Lethal. DON'T MAKE HIM COME OUT THERE!!! Lockup, armwringing by Jay. Shelley somersaults, picks an ankle, and gets a cover for zero. Now Jay does the exact same thing. Tilt-a-whirl, but Shelley lands on his feet. Legsweep, but Lethal skips over it. And simultaneous dropkicks yield no results. IN-DY RE-SPECT *clap, clap, clap-clap-clap*. Tenay says "mirror images," but I spy at least one glaring difference. I spy it with my little eye that is underlined in eyeblack. Alex wants a Test Of Strength, but Lethal apparently knows about all his Test Of Strength tricks, opting to chop the crap out of him. Walk it off, Shelley. Lethal lays in two more. Snapmare, big jumping dropkick to the back of the head! Cover, 1, 2, no. "Lethal Weapon" chant. Austin Aries probably owns a lot of lethal weapons, but no, somebody has to be too cool for The A.V. Club now. The Space Invaders let you sit at their table one time and suddenly you're Flash Fucking Gordon. You've changed, man. Lethal snaps Alex down with a reverse neckbreaker Stunner, maintaining his grip and spinning it into a single-underhook northern lights with bridge. 1, 2, no. Forearm to the back of the neck by Jay as Tenay tells us how young all these guys are. "Bentley's the old man at 26." GO TO BED, OLD MAN! WITH MEN! Alex is ready to tag out, but Lethal's got his arm. So Shelley's all "Quick, Petey, tag my foot!" and Petey DOES IT. Awesome. Williams nails Lethal from behind with a forearm to the back. Stomp to the back, then a side backbreaker on the knee. 1, 2, no. Head to the buckle and back to Shelley, who snaps off a quick kick between the shoulderblades. Wringing the arm, to a hammerlock, then rolling forward into a weird grounded octopus. Ultros got in trouble for teasing the other octopi. Shelley really cranks it in until Petey breaks it up by dropkicking Jay in the head. Alex doesn't mind, choosing to yell at the crowd like a fool. A DAMN FOOL. I wish I could hear all the trash Shelley talks, because I bet it's insane. West talks about Shelley and Petey having been in Jeff Jarrett's stable, but I wouldn't go that far. A one-shot appearance as a redshirt ensign does not a Space Invader make.

Shelley pops Lethal with a hard right hand. Scoop and a slam. To the apron goes Shelley, where he lands a slingshot senton splash. 1, 2, no. Front chancery and a tag to Petey. @Lx grinds his elbow into Lethal's upper back as Williams forearms the lower. Because that's as high as he can reach, folks. Lethal fights back with gutshots and now headshots. Trying a back suplex, but Petey flips behind and dropkicks him in the ass/back. Cover, 1, 2, no. Another try, still two. Crowd rallies behind Jay as Petey slams him down. Camel clutch variant. Traci fires up the crowd for whatever reason. (She doesn't want Jay to lose, because then Bentley can't tag in and win.) It doesn't take much to foil my snarky comments. Curses. At Petey's behest, Shelley suddenly rushes into the ring to make with the basement dropkick, but Williams lets go and assumes a FIGHTIN' STANCE because he isn't quite sure who Alex is going to aim it at! Or maybe they both had heel intentions for one another and caught each other in the act. A discussion ensues as Jay slowly crawls away and tags Bentley. I'll never get tired of that spot. Alex has painted fingernails, by the way. He sees Bentley all rarin' to go and decides "Petey, we're cool, see ya." So Williams turns around and gets knifed by Bentley's chop! Petey keeps getting up, and Matt keeps chopping him down. Whip, big backdrop. Scoop slam, and Bentley's headed up... Petey pops up and prevents the HBK Elbow by crotching him! Now Williams follows Matt up... Trying a superplex, but uh-oh, crazy TNA Pyramid Scheme in action, as Shelley scampers in to grab Petey in powerbomb position! Petey's grip on Bentley becomes tenuous as Alex pulls him away from the corner, right before Lethal comes flying in with a dropkick for Matt! Williams loses his hold on Bentley's hair and gets powerbombed by Shelley! Lethal quickly waistlocks Alex and hits him with a bridging German suplex! 1, 2, down comes Bentley with the HBK ELBOW on Jay's ribs! Ouch. Everybody dead, except this "TNA" character. Shelley rolls outside as Williams stalks Lethal... Nope, rushing into Jay's forearm. Suplex attempt by Lethal, but Petey knees him in the head at the apex and drops down into the EGO TRIP! Bentley rushes Williams and gets backdropped to the floor! HE BUMPED THE SHELLEY-CAM!!! Petey hops into wheelbarrow suplex position on Jay, but Lethal turns it into a full-nelson and flips him with a big ol' dragon suplex! Alex is up top... and Jay meets him in mid-air with a dropkick! Lethal's freaking out, and the crowd's all about him. Corner whip, but Shelley repels a charge with his back elbow. Off the ropes, but Lethal runs with him to hit a leaping leg lariat. This time Lethal hits the ropes, but Shelley drop toeholds him into a middle rope hotshot. Alex quickly to the apron... SLINGSHOT DDT! Shelley says "I just put it on you, dawg!" before Bentley returns to jab him a lot. Whip, scoop, but Shelley goes behind. Waistlock, shoving Bentley into the ropes, but Matt hangs on. Bentley ducks a clothesline, bounces off the ropes, slides through the legs, catches Alex's swing, and spins him into a Flatliner! Bye, Alex. Bentley finds Petey in Fit Finlay Special position, but he does that thing where he twirls to his feet all phatly. And Petey tilt-a-whirls into position to hit his side Canadian legsweep! Got the harpoon! GET OVER HERE! Kick sets up the Destroyer, but what the fuck is UH-UH BOY I KNOW YOU AIN'T AT THE ARCADE PLAYIN' MORTAL KOMBAT WHEN YOU'S SUPPOSED TO BE HOME GIVIN' ME SOME SWEET LOVIN' wandering around for? Jackie sasses her way over to Shelley and gets all on his case for the whole Illegally Videotaping Her Hot Sex thing. SLAP! And now she's just wailing away on him. Petey's like "LOL DUDE THIS IS AWESOME!!!", buying Bentley enough time to backdrop clear of the Destroyer! And Lethal squirrels into a jackknife cover on Petey! 1, 2, 3! Tenay: "There's sumpthin' on that tape! There's sumpthin' on that tape!" So Lethal wins by virtue of being the only competitor who didn't think Alex Shelley getting beaten up by a girl was hilarious.

Borash is backstage with Rhino, who has some words for Abyss. "I grew up in the murder capital of the world!" Crazy Murder High? Muhammad Hassan's Living Room? Well, I'm stumped. "I grew up on the wrong side of Eight Mile in Detroit!" The non-Eminem side. "When you grow up and you watch your friends die, when you go the corner store and you know it could be your life..." Maybe you should have stopped going to that store, Rhino. The man just had to get his Laffy Taffy. Rhino threatens to stuff Mitchell up Abyss' ass and Gore the both of them. Just like the whole mermaid thing, I don't think that's going to happen. Zbyszko and Hebner are the dynamite new tag team that's telling everybody to stay out of the main event. Rhino doesn't give a shit.

Video package about the 3 Liv Kru breakup.

Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Barriobots v. LET'S HOLD-UP THE SPERM BANK

Wait, what? Who the fuck is Machete? Is he even Hispanic? He looks like skinny Rhino. Konnan gets the mic and announces his intentions to "mash on" The James Gang. Here in America, we say "Sabin on." Machete's all "YES CHOP-CHOP I WILL CUT THINGS," so I guess he's already more interesting than Apolo, who never drove a sun chariot through the sky or played Game Boy with Chris Sabin or anything. In case you're a huge Apolo fan sitting there in your Apolo pajamas eating your Apolo-themed breakfast cereal, here's all the explanation we're getting. "Now Machete, when a soldier goes AWOL, or he goes down, another soldier must take his place, so tonight is your night to earn some stripes." Stripes on Konnan's fine apparel from LL Pinto Bean. He's wearing some Raiders bullcrap tonight. The James Gang comes with camouflage. Don't ask, don't tell. No, I didn't know, and I didn't ask, either. Seriously, how can dudes who put their hair in little piggytails get cheered as faces? What a metrosexual world it is. Jizzle has the mic, but it thankfully doesn't work. Crap, now it does. Spiel. Pizzle, Jizzle. "You gotta catch us if you want us to hang, 'cause together, we're The James Gang!" I wish you were The Hangin' Out From A Noose Gang. Just hit them with a sock already. Kip's ready to say something asinine, but the Sneaker Pimps ambush. I was going to go to bed at this point, because a James Gang match at six in the morning sounds like some sort of nightmarish hangover cure prescribed direct from Satan, but I read some more of the Smackdown rebeak and got energized. That JG truly has a passion for pirates busting through walls and midgets getting hit with shillelagh's.

So Konnan helps with the pre-bell beatdown. Machete on Jizzle and Homicide on Pizzle or whatever. Billy and Road Dogg reverse corner whips and cause LAX to collide. Pay more attention, air traffic controllers. Both heels get launched outside. Gunn plays with his GOD-DAMNED PIGTAILS. Tenay: "How 'bout a little history lesson?!" Pass. I got enough education during that last PPV. Whatever it was called. Konnan huddles up his boys and talks strategy. Homicide's going to square off against Ass. And Homicide rightfully makes fun of his hair. HC's giving up about a foot as he gets up in Billy's grilly and talks smack. Gunn's all "LOL IT'S THE JUNIORS DIVISION." Pieface by Ass! I hope Homicide kills you. Literally kills you. He responds with a dropkick to the knee before hitting the ropes and getting airborne thanks to Gunn's military press. Machete runs in to take the hiptoss into neckbreaker combo that Billy totally fucked up. Homicide links hands with Gunn, then elects to kick him. Side headlock, whipped off, and Homicide runs straight into a gutwrench that Billy fucks up. Sigh. Muscled up into a powerbomb after about twelve minutes. For god's sake, Billy, he's the Puerto Rican Petey Williams. West: "I tell you what, you can have all the heart in the world..." No you can't. No you can't. Other people need heart, too. They need it to live. Gunn measures HC for a gay right hand. Tag to Jizzle, who dances around and chops his crotch like the biggest faggot to mince out of Fagtown. Kick. Blarg. I think Homicide's pants say "MBS," revealing him to be a huge fan of The Mistar Butts Show. Armwringing by Jizzle, but Homicide pokes the eye and tags out. Machete has his clothesline ducked before absorbing BG's jabs. Is he dancing the fucking Robot? I hope the Space Invaders obliterate your home planet. The one I am currently on. Punch, punch, hooray. Kneedrop on Machete. 1, 2, no. Snapmare, off the ropes, boot the head. Machete stands up, walks around, and collapses on the middle rope. Okay. Back to Dr. Ass. Punching and chopping occur. Whip, clothesline ducked, and Machete answers with a chop. Whip, another. Off the ropes, but Kip clobbers him in the head. We're about to go for a ride on The Loveboat, but Homicide saves. Kicking Billy out of the ring, where Konnan comes after him. Into the guardrail he goes. Boot choke by Machete. Gunn's tossed back in, where Homicide strangulizes him.

Head to the buckle and a right hand. Right before Homicide runs into a big boot in the corner. But an ignorant Ass Splasher hits nothing and knocks Gunn stupid. Tenay: "Kip James committed himself..." Anybody who voluntarily wears their hair like should have themselves committed, yes. Cover, 1, 2, no. Konnan pounds Billy as the referee is busy doing his taxes. Biting him. Machete stomps. Snapmare by Homicide, who ascends... diving headbutt misses as Willie Bunns rolls clear. Tags to BG and Machete, who cares. Punch, kick, punch, punch. Homicide's pulled back in so James can kill everybody. Big boot on Machete, but Homicide breaks the cover. Gunn decks him. Machete takes over on BG somehow. For like three seconds, as Dogg swings out of a whip and hits the pumphandle slam. 1, 2, 3. What the fuck was the point? Yeah, sock him. Sock the fuck out of him. Bartles & Jaymes is Bullet Bob, who lurches his old ass in the ring and stares Konnan down. Tenay: "IT'S A SIXTY-SIX YEAR OLD MAN, WHO... LOOK AT THIS!!! HE'S TAKING HIS JACKET OFF!!!!!" This striptease is having quite an effect on Mike Tenay. Gunn's getting his ass kicked by LAX, by the way. And KONNAN RUNS AWAY FROM A SENIOR CITIZEN. Hard, yo. From tha streetz. Tenay: "YOU CHICKEN YOU-KNOW-WHAT!" I never want to talk about any of this again.

Borash is a poor man's Shane Douglas, and he's outside the offices of TNA Management. Referee Buff Bagwell's Referee wants a word with "Big Lar." He apparently wants to ref the main event, but Larry's already got one lined up. Larry: "What is your name?" BBR: "My name is Mark 'Slick' Johnson, baby!" Buff's Ref has a hilariously high-pitched voice, by the way. He also has 85 WCW main events under his belt! Including the biggest main event of them all, ladies. The Vein Event. Ewww. This PPV has too much goddamned Zbyszko. He walks off, leaving Slick to pursue.

Tag Lines for this faux tag title match. "Is Sabin 100%?" Somebody hasn't been drinking his Potions.

LIMIT BREAK MORE LIKE MORE LIKE ANKLE BREAK v. There Is No Antidote/Remedy For Topato's Poison

Separate entrances for this hot new tag team that is clearly on the same page. Sonjay has a sweet robe with some goofy streamers. Sabin's still wearing the Jap Jacket. Replay from OW JESUS. Replay from Impact's Forest Of Woe spot gives us a new angle that reveals Sabin twisting the Hell, Michigan out of his ankle as he slides one foot into Aries' face. Entire ankle just bends beneath him. That hurts Austin's beard, Sabin's ankle, and my soul. West: "It's amazing that he's walking on it today, Mike!" Less so when you realize that that was taped about three weeks ago. No Gail? Somehow, I doubt she'll be needed. Harris fucks with Donald's water. Somebody has a "A.M.W. - TNA'S GREATEST 12-MAN TAG TEAM" sign that lists all the Space Invaders. Uh, Gail Kim is not a man, excuse me. Alright, I'm somewhat interested in this, but I feel that it is time for bed. Chris Sabin has made me as sleepy as he himself.

Good morning! And by "morning," I mean "3:30 in the afternoon!" Storm and Sabin start. James is already floppin' around trying to grab the ankle, but Sabin hops over. Going for it again, but Sabin dodges. Realizing he's a big cripple, Sabin's forced to tag Dutt in. Sonjay crab-walks around like a weirdo. Lockup, side headlock by Storm. Dutt loosens it with kidney shots. Whipped off, and Sheriff Pony bowls him over with a shoulderblock. Fuck You Gesture for the crowd! They're chanting "KILL THE COWBOY" or something stupid that I can't make out. Off the ropes, Storm hops over, Dutt leapfrogs, Sonjay rolls backward to attempt a monkeyflip, I guess, but Storm somersaults over. Ducking Dutt's chop, whip, and Sonjay dives into a deep armdrag on Storm. Clothesline ducked, super-tilty headscissors! Off the ropes, flying crossbody! 1, 2, no. West thinks Dutt's going to have to be "One And A Half Men in this team." Like that faggy sitcom with Jon Cryer. Always calling The Waaaahmbulance. Tag to Sabin, double whip, drop toehold by Dutt, elbowdrop across the back by Sabin. Sabin grabs Storm in a Camel Clutch for Sonjay's basement dropkick. 1, 2, no. Snapmare by Sabin, who pops off his footsie dropkick to the head. 1, 2, no. Corner whip reversed, then one more Fuck You Gesture prior to Storm running into Sabin's roundhouse thrust kick. But Harris sees an opportunity, because potatoes have eyes with which to watch. He takes out Sabin's feet and smashes the bum ankle into the ringpost! The Bum Rush ankle. West: "OHHHH, THAT WAS WRONG!" Hahaha. Bashing it on the edge of the apron now, and Sabin falls outside to die. Harris gets into the act with a Fuck You Gesture of his own. "PUSSYCAT."

Sabin tries to crawl back to the apron, but Sheriff Pony sends him right back outside with a baseball slide. Nailing Sonjay, as well. Sabin's tossed back in as Harris tags in. Wrenching the ankle. Across the bottom rope now. Harris spends five minutes pulling the anklepad off. Elbowdrop. Legdrop on the ankle, then twisting it some more. He really, really cannot get that anklepad off. It's stuck on his boot, Topato, just leave it. The ankle is all tapey. Sabin unnsuccessfully kicks at Harris as he pries on that pad some more. Finally leaving it alone to apply an anklelock on the grapevined leg. Into the corner, where Sabin attempts to fight off AMW. Hobbling over toward Sonjay, but Harris clocks him. Tag to Storm, who goes to the second rope and drives a knee down on the ankle as Harris holds it. Ninja Chokeout. Sabin's up and fighting, but Storm spins him into an ARCH DELUXE! French-fried Topatoes. 1, 2, no. Kneedrop on the ankle, then an elbowdrop. Continuing to torque it as Harris comes in. Legdrop on the injured area. The ref backs Harris up to check on Sabin. "Quit, Sabin! Quit!" Save And Quit. Sabin tries to pull himself up in the corner, so Harris slaps him. Corner charge coming up, but Sabin fends it off with a back elbow. Trying again, but Harris gets booted away by the good foot. Limping to his corner, but Storm tags in and flattens him from behind just in time. European uppercut drops Sabin. Storm hangs onto the foot as Sabin hops around and attempts to punch him. Enzuigiri ducked, but Sabin's able to knock Storm away with a weak little mule kick. Harris comes in illegally to grab the foot, but Sabin dives for the tag and gets it! Clothesline ducked, and Sonjay wipes everybody out with punches. Climb-up enzuigiri on Harris! Jumping double knees in the corner! Launched up for a hurricanrana on Storm! Off the ropes, seated dropkick, 1, 2, Topato saves. Corner whip by Harris, but Sonjay sidewinds clear of his charge. Springboard footsie dropkick knocks both Invaders down! Second rope moonsault bodyblock to do it again! Off the ropes into a tilt-a-whirl, but Storm catches him in Hart Attack position. Harris runs the ropes, only to get NAILED in the face by Sabin's one-footed top rope dropkick before he can complete it! Dutt swings around into wheelbarrow suplex position, then reaches back to hit the ASAI DDT! 1, 2, no! Kick and punch for Harris. Dutt springs off the middle rope with a crossbody, but Topato catches it. Catatonic? No, Dutt swings all the way behind into a clumsy crucifix! 1, 2, no. Harris tackles Sonjay and plows him into the corner. Storm slides a chair in before distracting the ref with his hooliganism. "YOU SEE THIS FAT BOY IN THE ROW RIGHT THERE? TELL HIM TO SHUT HIS MOUTH!" I bet referee Ric Flair would do it. Harris wields the chair, but Dutt delivers a sliding dropkick to his ankle. Sabin's back, booting Storm off the apron as he wheels around to tornado DDT Harris on the chair! It's shoved out of the ring as Sonjay delivers a standing shooting star press! 1, 2, NO! Storm rushes back in, but Sabin pitches him straight through the ropes. Storm reaches back in to grab the ankle, but Sabin boots him away. Now Storm manages to Biggs and Wedge Sabin's ankle under the guardrail and smash the steel down on it. Back inside, Sonjay's about to Hindu Press his luck... Harris evades, but Dutt rolls to his feet! And Storm slides back in to BLAST him with the Sheriff Ponykick! Sorry about yo' dayom Dutt. Storm suspends Dutt as Harris ascends... DEATH SENTENCE! Jackknife into a pin, 1, 2, 3. West: "Academic." Professor Pony.

Post-Match, AMW get the handcuffs because they are dicks. Cuffing Sonjay into one corner and fetching a new steel chair. Haha, Harris is all "Kick back, have a drink, I got this." Storm obliges, doing the *LAZY* pose with his beer bottle in the opposite corner. Is the crowd chanting "FUCKIN' QUEER"? Up goes the chair, but Sabin scoots back in and grabs it away. Thrown into Harris' face! Ow. Here comes Storm to get punched. West: "OH, NOW HE'S MAD!" I THINK... HE'S GOING... BERSERK!!!

Sabin arms himself with the chair and runs Storm off. I bust out my berserk jpg, and he barely even does anything. Play his music because he lost.

Borash is backstage with Double J and Gail. Is Jarrett feeling the pressure of facing Christian Cage? Nope, Jeff thinks it's all on Christian Cage. He's the one making guarantees. "With mah trusty equalizer (guitar), Gail, and The King Of The Mountain, we're gonna walk in the champion, and I can promise you one thing, JB, I'm gonna be walkin' out the NWA..." "JUH-JUH-J-J-J-JUH-JUH-J-J-J-J-JEFF! JARR-ETT!" Hahaha, what in the fuck? It's DON'T PUSH ME 'CAUSE I'M CLOSE TO THE EDGE OF THE SERENGETI! beatboxing it up. "The Alpha Male is..." Jarrett, seizing the mic: "MONTY BROWN! I'm sick and tired of you disrespectin' me! You're gonna do it for the last time, bustin' my interviews! I know what you're gonna say! Hell, the whole world knows what you're gonna say! You're The Alpha Male, you're from The Serengeti, you don't like to be hunted, you like to be the hunter!" Heh. "Before the night's over, somebody's gonna feel the *hilarious high-pitched voice that cracks* POOOUUUNCE! I'M SICK OF THAT CRAP! But Monty, I know what's eatin' at your craw. And I'm gonna shut your bitchin' up right now. When I beat Christian Cage, and I'm gonna do it, you and only you get the next title shot. That's a guarantee, that's a promise, and I'm willin' to shake on it, and I never, ever go against my word. When I make a guarantee and a promise and a handshake, it's as good as gold." Monty doffs the shades and accepts Jarrett's handshake. They got a deal. Monty: "Not bad for his limited vocabulary!" Brown will be watching the title match "very closely." HMM YES.

Let's Shoot A Rhino In Our Pajamas v. The Little Mermaid

I wish Mitchell was dressed in a little safari suit and pith helmet. Rhino rushes the ring, and fightin' occurs. Hamhands traded for Rhino punches. Now chopping each other. Rhino takes over, backing Abyss into the corner and pounding him. Cactus Clothesline, and out they go. Abyss is shoved over the guardrail. Rhino goes to the apron and tries to jump into the crowd or something, but then he realizes the railing's in his way and is all "Duh, whoops." So he climbs the railing and jumps off with a shot for Abyss. Up the stairs they go. Abyss takes over with hamhands. Back toward the ring they fight. Ow, Rhino's smashed hard into the little retaining wall. Tossed back over the railing. Punching each other. Rhino sends Abyss' head into the stairs. Rolled back in the ring before Rhino pulls some crap out from under the ring. Oh sweet, a huge trophy! Did he win that in Battle Raps? Golf club, too. Maybe he robbed Kerwin White's house. Tenay: "And no selling that stuff on eBay, Don!" Haha. Field your own jokes. Not that I even know what Tenay meant by that. Abyss clobbers Rhino before weapons can be used. Corner whip reversed, but Rhino runs into a boot. He picks up a kendo stick... WHACK to the ribs! WHACK to the back! Tenay: "Early Spring Training here!" The Tigers ain't no good. Now we learn that David Eckstein of the St. Louis Cardinals is in attendance, and I have no idea why. Rhino chooses the garbagey can this time... Nope, Abyss kicks him. Now he's the one who scoops it up... SMASH to Rhino's head! Abyss picks up the kendo stick and cracks it across Rhino's back a couple times. 1, 2, no. Wow, Rhino's really bloody already. Abyss has a cookie sheet or whatever, but Rhino kicks him. And now it's Rhino who grabs the stupid aluminum thing... Whack! Whack! Whack! Baseball bat and trophy selected by Rhino. He puts the trophy between Abyss' legs and winds up... SMASH! TWO BALLS NO STRIKES LOL. Look at Abyss freak out. That trophy is busted to hell.

Abyss rolls outside, but Rhino follows. Trying a suplex on the ramp, but Abyss is the one who hits it. Abyss wanders off to find a table. Setting two up right next to each other, actually. So the tables are at the base of the stage, and Rhino's crawling around up there. Abyss pokes him in the head with the bat. Stacking a third table atop the other two. And now it's a four-table stack. Abyss goes up on the stage after Rhino. Kick and punch from Rhino, but Abyss fires back. Teetering near the edge as Abyss tries to load up a powerbomb through a million tables... Nope, Rhino swings out and starts punching. Smashing Abyss' head into the Tits 'N Ass Tunnel. Hunkering down for the Gore, but Rhino barrels into a big boot and falls off the stage. Abyss hops down after him. Backstage they go. Fighting amongst some parade floats, haha. Head into a wall, head into a car. Abyss still has the baseball bat, but he whacks the car when Rhino dodges. Kick by Rhino, who also nails the car with the bat. I think they really want to break that window out, but they have shitty aim. Bat to Abyss' ribs. Back toward the ring they fight. Abyss reverses a whip into a trash can. Hamhand. Fighting near the ring as Abyss' head goes into the ringpost. Rhino finds a table under the ring and slides it in. Propped up in the ring as Mitchell hands Abyss a staple gun. Staple to the head! That Was Easy. Another! Abyss gets his own table from under the ring. Set up in the middle, and Mitchell hits the fake detonator. But Rhino swings out of a whip and belly-to-belly slams Abyss. Hunkering down as Abyss crawls around near the corner table... Gore gets met with a choke! Chokeslam through the upright table! 1, 2, no! SACK FULL OF TACKS MY GOD THERE ARE TACKS IN THAT SACK! Abyss is all "Hooray, tacks!" like an idiot, allowing Rhino to Gore him into the corner table! 1, 2, NO! Replay. Crowd: "THIS IS AWESOME!" Well, it's not shitty, but let's not go nuts. They must be watching a Mike Awesome match on their portable TVs. Rhino wants another Gore, but The Minister hooks his ankle with that dumb cane. And the chase is on. Outside the ring they go, but Abyss strikes from behind. Up some stairs to fight in the bleachers. Rhino's driven into the side repeatedly. That wall looks like it's going to give way, and I'd imagine that's where the table stack is. It's cracking. Haha, Abyss starts breaking it apart. I hope he EATS IT. Rhino gets whacked with a plank of wood from the wall! I wouldn't be bumbling around by that open end if I were you, Abyss. Choke! Trying to chokeslam Rhino off the bleachers and into the tables, but a crotch kick prevents it. Rhino takes several steps back and crouches down as the crowd calls for it... GORE!!! Abyss falls and smashes through a thousand tables as Mike Tenay screams like a woman! "HOLY SHIT." Rhino climbs down, cover, 1, 2, 3. "RHINO" chant. Not half bad. I see you, guy in the ugly blue Carlito shirt! Replay of the wrecked up tables. Trainers check on Abyss.

Borash is backstage with Samoan Joe. "AJ, Chris, you say that I haven't respected your code. That I haven't adhered to the conduct befit of an X-Division wrestler. But you see, I've just come to a realization. It's never been about conduct. It's never been about sportsmanship. It's been about one thing: the X-Division Championship Of The World. And to remind you boys of that, I brought two towels tonight. One as a reminder, and one more for the trophy case. You see, tonight, Chris, you're not fighting for your family. And AJ, you're not fighting for the safety of a friend. Hell, you're not even against all odds. Tonight, it's much worse. You're against... me."

Abyss is still dead. This isn't legit, is it? Probably not, as he was fake-twitchin' pretty good down there. "Abyss, talk to us." Does he even know how to talk? The crowd gives Abyss a hand as he's helped up.

X-Division title match package.

Tenay's X-Factors. Hahaha, "TOWEL CONTROVERSY." "8 MONTHS AND COUNTING." Only one more until Joe gets to eat that baby. Bun In The Oven.

Phenomenal! Wa-Wa-Wee-Wa! v. DO SOME LAUNDRY ALREADY v. The Omega Male

What ugly fruit roll-up ring gear, AJ. Got the One Ring in case he needs to turn invisible in this match. Joe throws the blood towel at Daniels and pisses him off. There's the bell as everybody circles. Joe kicks them both as he applies a side headlock on Styles. AJ whips him off into a shoulderblock on Daniels. Styles punching away on Joe. Kneelifts, but Daniels spins AJ around and starts jabbing him. Whip, leaping leg lariat, but Joe gets Daniels from behind with a knee. Snapmare, spine chop, chest kick, off the ropes, crushing kneedrop! Styles scoops Joe into a slam! Holy crap. Off the ropes, split-legged spaz kneedrop! Daniels is up to chop AJ. Side headlock on Joe. Whipped off, AJ leapfrogs Daniels, then drops down as Chris hops over. Daniels ducks Joe's clothesline right before AJ delivers a dropkick on the champ. Dropkick for Daniels, as well. Whip, side backbreaker on the knee by AJ. Turning his attention to Joe now. Trying to suplex him up, but Joe just heaves him and drops him with a forward suplex. L@@KING AT HIM. "JOE JOE JOE." Angling AJ's head up with the toe of his boot so he can kick the Christ out of his ribs and knock him into the corner. Tenay: "That baby was stiff!" Rigor mortis will not dissuade Samoa Joe's appetite. Corner whip by Joe, but Daniels prevents him from squashing AJ by popping up on the apron with a forearm to the throat. Slinging into the ring to throw more. Daniels gets a whip reversed and ends up standing on AJ in the corner. Monkeyflip sees Joe catch AJ in giant swing position! He instead opts to sit down on him and apply a Boston Crab. Daniels kicks him in the spine to break. He pounds away on Joe. Whip, Joe clings to the ropes, but Daniels knocks him outside with a running knee strike, regardless. Dopey pose as he prepares jumperies on Joe, but Styles cuts him down with a back elbow. And it's AJ who wants to sling onto Joe, but the champ just wanders off like he do. Styles adjusts to land on the apron and boot Joe in the chest. Ready for an Asai Moonsault or something, but Daniels knocks Styles off the apron with a forearm smash. Dopey pose again... running the length of the ring to try a tope suicida, but Joe open-hand slaps the fuck out of his head as he prepares to launch! Now Styles whips Joe into the ring barricade.

AJ heads back in. Delayed suplex on Daniels, then applying that bridging Indian Deathlock/facelock. Wow, Styles rolls onto his stomach, making it more of a crazy surfboard stretch. Joe returns to kick Daniels loose with a boot to the ribs. STF applied on Styles! Daniels loosens that with an elbow, then applies the Koji Clutch on Joe while Joe's still got the STF on Styles! AJ pries Joe's hand off and breaks the whole thing. Daniels scoop slams Styles. To the apron, slingshot elbowdrop, 1, 2, no. Chris sees Joe in the corner and attempts a running knee strike, but it hits the top turnbuckle. Joe chops him to hell. Corner whip, high running knee! Facewash! Rake, rake, rake, off the ropes, killer boot! Farewell, Fallen Angel. Joe's corner whip on AJ gets reversed, but Joe catches his corner clothesline and drops him into a uranage! Just wanderin' around. Daniels is back to the apron with a shoulder charge for Joe. Two more. Trying to suplex Joe to the floor, which is hella dumb. HAHA, Joe gets loose and just bitchslaps him to the floor. L@@K out for AJ, who's up from behind... Joe ducks under his attack, so he flies into a somersault senton to the floor! Daniels dead. AJ and Chris battle out there while Joe thinks evil thoughts... running the length of the ring, TOPE SUICIDA kills them both! Fuck, they both crash into the front of announce table, too. "TNA." Joe glowers at corpses. Replay. Joe walks Daniels back to the ring. Prodding AJ with his boot, then retrieving him, too. Joe's pawing at AJ from the apron when Styles legsweeps him! Daniels boots Joe in the face through the bottom rope and knocks him hard to the floor. Styles with a pulling roll-up on Daniels, 1, 2, no. Leaping into wheelbarrow suplex for a forward roll, 1, 2, no. Daniels catches a swing and wants the God Bottom, but AJ prevents it with elbows. Joe returns to smack Christopher on the back. Daniels manages to apply a side headlock on Joe, but AJ discus lariats Daniels into Joe's NECKBREAKING side suplex!!! Joe waits on Styles... flying enzuigiri! Cover on Daniels, 1, 2, no! Replay of the tandem move. "THIS IS AWESOME." Joe picks Daniels up. Whip, inverted atomic drop, off the ropes, sailing dropkick! Big fat senton splash! 1, 2, no. Announcers play up Daniels' concussions. AJ's chilling out in the corner, so Joe just kicks him in the face. Daniels tries to fend the champ off with headbutts to the gut. Hard punches to the ribs. Off the ropes and into the deep powerslam! 1, 2, no. Joe quickly maneuvers into a cross-armbreaker attempt, but Daniels locks his fingers to fight it off. Hooking the bottom rope with his feet, and Joe's forced to break.

Joe kicks Styles again. Back to Daniels for chopping in the corner. Kick to the ribs. Loading Christopher up for the Muscle Buster, but Styles attacks from behind. Quick forearms to the jaw. Joe paws at him, but Styles ducks and snaps off a LOUD enzuigiri! Look at Joe crumble. Daniels descends from his perch with forearms for AJ. Off the ropes, kick by Styles, then a headbutt. Daniels catches a shot to set up the God Bottom again, and Joe assists by knocking Styles into a Flatliner with a sailing dropkick from behind! KOJI CLUTCH on Styles! Yeah, that's what I'd go for while Joe's still loitering around. He drops a big knee on Daniels' face. Shit. Replay of the combo move. Joe stands around and attempts to pick the corpses. Slap to Daniels' back. Chop, forearm, but Daniels scoots behind and gets a waistlock. Back elbows break that. Off the ropes, Daniels hooks Joe's swing and applies a full-nelson... Joe powers out of his grip all pissed-offishly, then gets launched by a German suplex! Daniels is starting to lose his mind, for he has gazed upon the hoary visage of Cthulhu. Yell, GOD BOTTOM on Joe! Christopher Daniels is having The Best Moonsault Ever! Boi-oi-oing, hits! 1, 2, no! Calling Angel's Wings... hooked up, but Joe won't go, so AJ walks up his back into a sunset flip on Christopher! 1, 2, no, trying to pick him up for the Clash, but Daniels puts a boot in his face. Styles hooks Daniels' arm and swings all the way around for another Styles Clash attempt! Up into powerbomb position, but Chris drops down to his feet. Knockout forearm sends AJ reeling. And Joe DEMOLISHES Daniels with the killer clothesline! 1, 2, no! Replay. This time Joe's trying to set AJ up for the Muscle Buster... he's up, but he slips behind! Styles charges forward to cut Daniels down with a clothesline. Shot for Joe, roundhouse spin kick on Daniels! OH GOD THE PELE on Joe! Daniels gets pumphandled into a gutbuster on the knee! 1, 2, no! Up into Torture Rack position goes Daniels... AJ cranks it on before swinging him around into Blue Thunder! 1, 2, Joe breaks. Joe whips Styles, but he moonsaults into inverted DDT position and nails it! Slow to cover, 1, 2, no! Crowd chants for Styles because they hate him. Calling the Ass Crasher on Joe, but Daniels hits the ropes to run Styles through with forearms. Joe's shoved away before Daniels pummels AJ. Corner whip reversed before AJ hits a clothesline. Rushing Joe and getting backdropped to the apron. Now Joe charges Daniels and gets taken up... AJ nails the suspended Joe with a springboard split-legged spaz forearm before Daniels completes the DEATH VALLEY DRIVER! 1, 2, AJ saves. He wants to make a cover of his own, but Daniels prevents that. Joe ain't movin'. Daniels goes after Styles and gets hiptossed to the floor. Replay of the DVD. Styles scales the turnbuckles, but Daniels grabs his foot. They fuck around in such a fashion until Joe rams his boot into Daniels' jaw, knocking him to the floor. Joe's trying to get AJ into the Muscle Buster... HIT! 1, 2, 3! Telephone! Daniels is grumpy on the outside. "You son of a bitch. It's not over! I'm still alive!"

Dude, I totally forgot about this Team 3D match. Why the fuck is it right before the main event?

Borash is backstage with The Deadly Boys. They're pissed. If pissin' people off was an Olympic sport, Team Canada would be gold medalists. "I can't wait 'til the United States kicks your ass in hockey at the Olympics!" Keep on dreamin', Brother Raye. People in various cities across the U.S. want to do mean things to Team Canada, apparently. "You got people out there in this arena who just might jump over the guardrails themselves to punch you in the face!" Yeah, that's a good thing to suggest, Brother Raye. This might all mean something if anybody really gave a damn about Team Canada. Buh Buh amends IRS and Benjamin Franklin's old catchphrase to Death, Taxes, and Tables. "Guess which one is yours?" I'm gonna have to go with... Taxes. DEVON, GET THE CALCULATORS. He said literally nothing, by the way.

Flagpole Sittas v. OUR FINISHER IS CALLED "THE NUMBER CRUNCH"

Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's comin' to get him. Team Canada's got D'Amore, as well as the bloody plaque. Pyro Terrors. Eric is afraid, but Bobby's like "NEVER TELL ME THE AGAINST ALL ODDS!" For he is the Chewbacca to Eric's cowardly gay robot. "Team 3-D! You're going DOW, DOW, DOWWWN!" The Deadlies emerge from the crowd or someplace and make with the scrappin'. D-Von has a big, bandagey head. Team Canada get blindsided and whupped up on. The Canadians quickly end up on the floor, where the Dudleys pursue. Into the barricade they go. Buh Buh backdrops Roode on the ramp. And he broke one of the panels off with his big ass. Raye drops a big elbow on him. Hard chop. Bobby Roode screams a lot. Haha, what the fuck, Eric Young? I guess Devon whipped him, but all we see is him running at the ringpost and purposely launching himself into it. Eric takes one of Buh Buh's chops, as well. Into the barricade he goes. Raye follows Roode into the ring. Point of the elbow driven into his head. "USA" chant. Measured for a punch. Raye knee-chokes him on the middle rope. Overhand chop in the corner. Whip, head down too soon, and Buh Buh gets kicked. But he ducks a clothesline and folds Bobby up with a German suplex. Eric gets caught trying to go up top, so Raye launches him down. Punch to the face, tag to Devon. Raye whips Young into a sidewalk slam/guillotine legdrop combo. Cover by Devon, 1, 2, no. Scoop slam, off the ropes, elbowdrop. Crowd wants tables as Devon clubbers Eric. Tenay: "No, they're not chanting for Death or Taxes!" That'd be better, though. If they chanted for Death, I'd make Riders Of Rohan jokes, and if they chanted for Taxes, that'd be hilarious on its own merits. H & R BLOCK *clap, clap, clap-clap-clap*.

Deadly whips Eric, who ducks a clothesline before getting caught by the spinny back elbow. Roode runs in and gets clotheslined down. Corner whip on Young, who gets hammered by a corner clothesline. He bounces all the way to the apron, then flops back through the ropes. D'Amore wants words with the ref. Tenay: "WHAT'S THAT BIG LOAD DOIN' UP ON THE APRON?!" Devon grabs him, causing Scott to do the "Let Go Of My Collar!" dance that managers often do. About to unleash a punch, but Eric's up from behind to whack Devon. Whip, and Devon drills Eric with a flying shoulderblock. Picked up, whip reversed, and Bobby pulls a low bridge to send Devon to the floor. D'Amore goes after him, yanks the bandage off, and pitches him into the steel steps. D'Amore, shadowboxing the camera: "SHAH! SHAH! HAHAHAHA! HA!!!" The Load grinds Devon's busted head along the steel steps. And now he's bloody again. This must be one of those gashes Alex Shelley was referring to. Back in for a tag to Bobby, who rams Devon's head into the turnbuckles. Choked on the middle rope. Brother Raye pitches a bitch, allowing D'Amore to scrape the plaque along Devon's wound as Bobby boot chokes him. D'Amore, showing off the bloody plaque: "AHHH, LOOK AT THAT!!! *threatening to lick it*" What a mental patient. Devon's head meets the buckle again. Throwing wild swings at Eric, none of which connect. Back to Bobby for a double suplex. 1, 2, no. Roode delivers rabbit punches to Devon's cut. Squeezing him with a reclining Ninja Chokeout. Devon's blood is dripping all over Roode's arm, as Tenay points out. Icky. Devon's hand falls once, twice, but not thrice. Dudley makes it to his feet and starts busting loose. Off the ropes, Roode tries to bury a knee in the gut, but Devon sidesteps with a schoolboy! 1, 2, no. Roode flattens him with a clothesline, regardless.

Tag to Eric for some stomperies. Standing on Devon's throat. Head to the buckle yet again. Snapmare, then a Steiner Recliner. A nice, safe, upholstered chair. Young lets go and brings Roode back in. He sasses Devon before slamming him down. Tag back to Young before Roode sets up the Who's The Greatest Kneedrop and hits it. And Eric follows up with a flying elbowdrop from the top! Devon's all twitchy. 1, 2, Buh Buh saves with a back smack. Fake tag to Roode, who taunts Raye by waving Devon's spaghetti arm around. Modified Camel Clutch applied. Devon fights up to a "USA" chant, but Roode drives his full weight down on the back. "USA SUCKS!" Back to Young, and back to the Steiner Recliner. Devon starts crawling his way out of it. Young tries the same thing Roode did, but Devon rolls over and gets a knee in his crotch as he drives his weight down. Ready for the hot tag, but Bobby grabs Devon's foot. Glancing enzuigiri knocks Roode out, and Devon dives for the tag! Raye's up frigging top??? Flying fatty crossbody onto both opponents! Clothesline for Roode! Clothesline for Eric! One more for each! West: "Down goes Frazier!" Eric Young would make a good Niles. Roode gets whipped into a big hiptoss, while Young takes a backdrop. Samoan drop on Bobby! Sidewalk slam on Eric! 1, 2, Roode saves. Double whip by Team Canada, who drop Raye with a double flapjack. Young covers and gets two. Freaking out. Roode's back to drive Raye's head into the buckle. Trying to whip Raye into Eric's top rope maneuver, but it gets reversed, causing Roode to hit the turnbuckles and crotch him. Another German suplex for Roode! Buh Buh goes up after Young... overhand chop, superplex! 1, 2, Roode breaks. He boots Devon away before grabbing the hockey flagstick. D'Amore has the ref distracted, but Buh Buh dodges the stick shot. It hits the top rope and hurts Roode's widdle hands. Clothesline hooked, but Roode prevents the Death Raye with a crotch kick! Got the stick again... whack across the back! Young covers, 1, 2, no! I think he's going to cry. Up top goes Eric... nobody home for his moonsault! Here comes Roode, but his clothesline nails Young when Buh Buh ducks! Raye grabs Bobby by the hair and pitches him. Leaving Eric all alone (*Home Alone yell*)... DEADLY DEATH DROP! Or the Taxy Tax Drop, if you prefer. 1, 2, 3. Beware the Big Load, who's sneaking in with that plaque... whoops, Raye spots him, causing D'Amore to beg off and do his little dance. Raye reclaims his plaque, but the cavalry arrives in the form of America's Most Running. Buh Buh clotheslines them down before Roode jumps him. AMW grab a table as the bell rings lots. Laying Devon out on the table as Topato ascends... Ron Fucking Killings runs out and chucks him down. Whatever. And dear old Eric Young ends up guillotined legdropped through the table. "TRUTH" chant as he and the Deadlies soak it up.

West and Tenay blather about various things.

Borash is backstage with Christian Cage. The most important match in his twelve-year career. He's nervous as hell. "Everything that I've worked for since the first time I sat on my couch as a kid and I watched a wrestling show, I dreamed about this moment. From the first time I went to a live wrestling show, I dreamed about this moment. From the first time I stepped foot in a ring as a professional, I dreamed about this moment. Larry Zbyszko has assured me that there will be a level playing field tonight, which means one thing... there's no excuses. All the questions will be answered tonight. Was it a good idea? Was it smart that Christian left a big-money contract in the WWE to come to TNA? Is Christian Cage, is Captain Charisma, nothing more than a midcard act? Has Jeff Jarrett outgrown his white jeans phase? *shrug* Sorry, I couldn't help myself. You see, Jeff, other than the white jeans, you and I, me and you, we actually have a lot in common. You see, a little cheating, a little lying, a little backstabbing, a little politicking... the only difference is, Jeff, at least I'm honest about it! And speakin' about honesty, Jeff, you know down in the cockles of your heart, down in your soul, that I am, I am the biggest threat that you've ever had to your title. You know it. You know it, Jeff. So February 12, 2006, Christian Cage walks into Orlando as the challenger. And after all the smoke has cleared, after the dust has settled, after all the cards have been dealt, after you use every cheesy cliche in the book, Christian Cage will have fulfilled his destiny and will leave Orlando, Florida as the new NWA World Heavyweight Champion! BECAUSE THAT'S... how I roll."

Video package.

Tale Of The Tape reveals nothing I care about, nor do Tenay's bullet points.

Borash does the ring announcing as Zbyszko and Dave Hebner make their way to the ring. We learn that the special referee will be BUY SOMETHIN' WILL YA? HOW 'BOUT IT??? Earl Hebner. Whoop-dee-shit. Tenay: "THE MOST INFAMOUS REFEREE IN WRESTLING HISTORY!!!" He tied Bret Hart to the train tracks while twirling his moustache. Out go the lights.

MID-CARD STUD v. White Genes Are The Best Genes! (w/ I Disagree)

Christian has a nice hoodie with gold fishscales overlaid in an Elvish style. REEURR REURR HERE COMES TROUBLE. I think Gail is just wearing her underwears out here. Jeff's like "Hey, Earl Hebner, you screwed the brother of my dead old tag team partner!" I hope Earl has a TNA patch he can point at emphatically. Borash announces the competitors. "CHRISTIAN" chant. Chestpats. Lookin' For Shit. Jarrett gets all up in Christian's mug before earl tells him to behave. Zbyszko shakes hands with both men. Hebner pats 'em down. Explaining the rules, because these guys are clearly idiots. Jarrett shoves Christian away and removes the title. Held aloft. And here we go.

Badmouthing to start. They go face-to-face until Christian breaks with a shove. Lockup, moseying all around until Christian applies a side headlock. Whipped off, Double J loses the shoulderblock and gets covered for one. Off the ropes, another shoulderblock, another one count. Christian ducks a clothesline and already attemps the Unprettier, but Jeff wigs out and escapes. The Wig Sphere can be found in Knoxville, Tennessee. Christian gets some Indy Applause as he stares Jeff down. Trying to link hands, but Jarrett strikes with a kneelift and some forearms. Side headlock, whipped off, Jarrett ducks a clothesline and gets a drop toehold. Stepping on Christian's back and then a series of quick, dickish paintbrushes. "Get up, punk!" Slap by Jarrett! Christian tackles him and goes nuts with punching. Hard overhand chops in the corner, then right hands to the head. Corner whip reversed, Christian hops to the middle rope, gets Jarrett to duck by faking a crossbody, then hops back into a sunset flip! 1, 2, no. Kick by Christian, followed by a right. Trying to suplex the champ to the floor, but Jarrett lands on the apron. Shoulder charge to Christian's ribs. Now Jarrett's the one trying the suplex, but Christian ends up on the apron, as well. They trade blows until Christian nails an inverted DDT on the apron! Ow. And Jeff plops to the floor. We take a look at Christian's wife Denise, who is rather unattractive in that WWE blonde bombshell way. Cage heads up to the top turnbuckle as Jarrett's still on the floor... he moves, causing Christian's flying plancha to hit the guardrail! Jarrett rolls back in to break the count, then goes after Christian on the floor. Giant swing into the railing! Earl Hebner tells Jeff to take it inside, but he ain't listenin'. Christian's slammed into the announce table, then punched to death. Clumsy catapult sends Christian's ribs into the edge of the table.

Tossed back inside is Christian, where the crowd rallies behind him. Whip by Jeff, nice standing dropkick. 1, 2, no. Jarrett turns a back suplex into a Blue Thunderish powerbomb and gets two. Ninja Chokeout applied. Cage makes it to his feet and fights to freedom. Knife-edge chops, but he hits the ropes and rushes into a top rope hotshot. Jeff chokes him on the middle rope until Hebner yanks Jarrett off by the hair. Shove for Earl! And he shoves Jarrett back. Jeff says "Fuck it" and goes back to choking Cage. Off the ropes for his running charge, then right back to it for the sliding Bossman punch. Jarrett and Hebner get into it as Gail Kim waits up top... flying 'rana on Christian! Jarrett covers, 1, 2, no. What a great finish that would have been. I don't think I'm kidding, either. Stomp by Jeff. Christian's head is smashed into the turnbuckle. "You wanna be the champion? Gimme a joke now!" Punching away. Corner whip reversed, Jarrett slings over a charge and applies a sleeper. Christian whips that off and applies one of his own, but Jarrett whips THAT off. Clothesline ducked, back elbow ducked, Jeff tries a hurricanrana(!), but Christian drops him into a powerbomb! Christian's going for the Figure Four! Got it! Crowd wants a tap, but Gail crawls around in her underwears and helps pull Jarrett to the bottom rope. Got it, so Hebner forces the break. Bitching about Christian's reluctance to break as Christian bitches back about Gail's involvement. Now it's Christian who shoves Hebner! Everyone hates him so much. "FIRE GAIL" chant, I think. The room is on fire, and she's fixin' her hair. Jarrett lies in wait... Here, hold my foot, then BUSTING Christian with a hard enzuigiri! Jeff's puts on the Scorpion Deathlock as the crowd's all "OH NO YOU DINNAT." No, we're going to play up Hebner rather than Sting, so we're calling it a Sharpshooter. Jeff can shoot down a lot of TIE Fighters, but then he gets cocky and goes a-strut-strut-strut. Christian starts clinging to Hebner as he refuses to give up. Announcers are all "DON'T YOU DARE DO IT!!!!!" Tenay: "We don't want a repeat of 1997!" I don't want a repeat of people talking about 1997 nonstop for the next 5,000 years. Christian grabs the bottom rope, but Jarrett hauls him back to the center of the ring. Tenay: "OH! HE TOUCHED THE ROPE! I DON'T THINK HE SAW IT!" West: "OH COME ON, HOW CAN HE MISS THAT!" Uh, it's perfectly legal to pull a dude away from the ropes and continue the hold, Professors. Jarrett's really putting the spurs to it now, sitting all the way down. Christian's hand goes up, but he won't tap. He manages to reach back and grab one of Jeff's ankles, tripping him up. And now Christian takes control of the Sharpshooter! Heh, Gail's trying to push the bottom rope closer to Jarrett. Ropes don't work that way, Gail Kim. Ask AMW. Jeff slowly manages to turn around and boot Christian off into the turnbuckles. And it's the old "Headbutt You In The Dick As I Fall Down Unconsciously" spot.

Everybody's asleep. Gail's breasteses are on the apron. Tenay: "Gail Kim shouting words of encouragement into The King Of The Mountain, Jeff Jarrett..." Go tell it on The King Of The Mountain. Everybody's still dead as Hebner counts seven. Now up at eight. Jeff hits the ropes and winds up for a punch, but Christian blocks and nails him with a right. Again. Inverted atomic drop for Jarrett. Christian's jabbing away. Chestpats, discus clothesline! Whip reversed, but Christian runs Jarrett down with a forearm. Corner whip reversed, but Jeff walks into a back elbow. Christian comes a-runnin' and gets caught in crossbody position, but he swings it around into a DDT! Slow to cover, 1, 2, no! Whip, Jeff slides through Christian's legs, accidentally taking Earl Hebner's feet out from under him. Scoop slam by Christian, who heads up top as Hebner's still all gimpy. It causes him to miss Gail Kim Klinging On to Christian's leg. That allows Jarrett to meet Christian up top... SUPER-STROKER all the way down!! Very slow to cover, as Hebner's equally slow to crawl over there for one of those tremendously slow counts that CRZ likes so much... 1, 2, no! Jeff can't buhlee it. "CHRISTIAN CAGE." Christian invites Jeff to hit him, so Jarrett does so. Picked up for another right hand. Hard corner whip totally smashes Hebner's head into the middle turnbuckle! Heh. What an accident-prone individual. Christian goes behind and wrings Jarrett's arm into The Unprettier! Cover, crowd counts, but they are not members of the Hebner family so it doesn't matter. Buff Bagwell's Referee slides in! 1, 2, NO!!! Slick Johnson is all "TWO, BABY, TWO." Now he tells Gail to get her Asian Ass off the apron. Christian's wandering around in confusion before waiting on Jeff to get up... setting up The Stroke on Jarrett! Jeff's crotch kick puts a stop to that. Buff's Ref chews Jeff out. He's about to disqualify Jarrett, and Jarrett should probably, uh, let him, but instead he grabs the DQin' arm and kicks him in his Slick Johnson! Tossed to the floor is Buff's Ref. Jarrett calls for a chair, and Gail delivers. Chinese food. Christian kicks Jeff before the chair can be used. Climbing to the second rope... missile dropkick drives the chair into Jeff's face! Chair shoved outside, cover, but no ref. YOU ARE NOT A REFEREE, THE CROWD, WHAT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT? I wish Monty Brown would come flying out in a referee shirt he made from the hide of a dead zebra. Christian gets a ten count from the crowd, but it means dick-all. Now he decides, sure, might as well chase Gail Kim around. Christian heads her off in the ring, eliciting many Melina screams. Hooked for an Unprettier, but Jeff's got his gee-tar... EL KABONG for Christian!!! Gail picks up the plywood and beats feet. The captain of the Space Invaders gives us double Live Long And Prospers before dropping down into a cover. Still ain't no ref. Earl Hebner crawls over with all the speed of a three-toed space sloth... One... Two... NO!!! Jarrett's losing it, as is the crowd. Toejam and Earl have a heart-to-heart as Gail Kim heads topside again... 'rana's caught, and Christian POWERBOMBS HER DOWN! Jarrett's hooking Christian for The Unprettier! Or The Unpurdier, as I'm sure he would pronounce it. Christian counters with a back suplex, but Jarrett flips behind to land on his feet. Trying The Stroke, but Christian slips free and gets the arms... UNPRETTIER!!! Cover! One! Two! THREE! Crowd is rabid, and that was pretty hot shit. Tenay: "He shattered the Glass Ceiling!" Poor Jeff Jarrett, crawlin' around on the floor. Chaka, When The Walls Fell. Big pyro for Christian. Hugging on his wife. Back in the ring to pose with the title. A bunch of fans rush the ring like Christian just upset Duke or something. Rhino marks out with him, as well. I hope Dancin' White Boy got in there. And we close with the mob scene. Nyah, see.

Final Thoughts: Yeah, unexpectedly good. Not as good as the last half of Genesis, but the first half of Genesis sucked all the dicks that were fit to suck, whereas this only had one bad match. So probably the best one I've seen so far. Me thinking Austin Aries was all legbroken until suddenly WHOA HEY BULLET BILL AND TORPEDO TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE THROUGH THE RING ROPES was worth like ten bucks by itself.