Pre-VGAs: Rebeaking this is going to end up as the worst decision of my life. Worse than the decision to become unemployed so I could sit around my mother's house in my pajamas and eat candies all day? YES.

We interrupt the 19,000-hour MXC marathon to get a VGA update from Now I Don't Seem To Have A Problem Locating The Camera and You Totally Made Me Cry But Now We're Acting Like Friends OMG WTF KAYFABE. It's Jericho and Trish. Eat it. "Risky business" is promised. Shaq will dance around in his underwear. Bleah. Chris plays Madden 2004. "Is there a Winnipeg Blue Bombers in here somewhere? Calgary Stampeders, maybe? This thing... this thing is vibrating!" Trish prefers GTA: Vice City. They get into an argument about who's the shittier driver that ends with Jericho harnessing his chi. YOU WANT A PIECE OF UNCAAAAAALLLL???

Here's a... I don't know what the hell this is, actually. "Spike's Video Game Hot-Mix 1996-Vegas". Just a bunch of footage from various nominated games, I guess.

Virgin Mobilephone presents the dubbed Japanese men. Kenny Blankenship: "My mom's a virgin." We kick it to I Slept With Val Venis, because video games and pornography go together like... cottage cheese and gaping head wounds. Jenna Jameson makes jokes about video games and virgins. Check. She tries to call up Scott Keith but he's not home.

Hey, you know who Jenna's married to, don't you?

I only went through with this rebeak so I could make that joke. Choke on it. J. Jonah is another route I could have gone.

Funkmaster Flexy Lexy is all up in my proverbial area. More game footage. This is like one big commercial, isn't it?

The winner for Game of the Year, which they're inexplicably telling us now, is Madden 2004. Y'all playas need to switch up yo' offensive patterns. The Raiderettes cheer because Spike TV couldn't afford cheerleaders from a halfway competent NFL team.

Now a musical performance from The Second Most Awful Person Named 'Buh Buh'. Bubba Sparxxxxxxx. He's the illegitimate lovechild of Buh Buh Ray Dudley and referee Mike Sparxxxxxx. What does this have to do with anything? I'd have bussed in John Madden to sing "Boom, Shake, Shake, Shake The Room". It's raining. Couldn't you afford to fix the roof, Spike TV?

Your host for the evening is BUH-BYE, Career. Flex inexplicably describes Spade as "a masturbator". What is going ON? David coasts through a monologue where he makes the same jokes from the VGA commercials and advocates killing children. The Mooninite statue presenters are models who I guess are supposed to approximate the DOA skanks. They kick high.

Again they forego nominees to announce the winner of Best Animation in a Video Game. What a retarded way to do things. It's DOA: Extreme Beach Volleyball. Uh huh. This is your fault, Hooker. Somehow.

"The Secret Life of Games" segment has some crap about Heihachi as a fashion model. For "the man diaper".

Commercials. Coming in January, "The John Henson Project". It involves disappearing for ten years, then returning as a complete fucking hack. So disappointed in you, Skunkboy.

Here's some skit about Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell, which I believe is about that giant rat who hangs out with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

The winner of Best Performance By a Human(?) is Ray Liotta for Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. He's on hand to accept his terrible, terrible shame.

Jaime Pressly, Boy is anorexic. I think that's how she spells her first name. What the hell do I care? We'll find out what you fatties voted for as the Most Anticipated Game for 2004. Sometime. Nominees include Doom 3, DRIV3R, and Fable. No clue. I guess the R4DICALS would vote for DRIV3R.

Put Some Clothes On, Lil' Kims. That's not where the apostrophe is supposed to go in "li'l", but who am I to judge? Something about a magic stick. What is this, Velocity?

The winner of Best Game Based On a Movie is Enter The Matrix. Best game based on a shitty movie, maybe! Zing! The Return of the King got jewed. Recount. It's a hanging chad situation. Hanging Chad and Grandpa.

P.O.S. performs some song about how much they love Jesus. This show has pretty much nothing to do with the video games. Also, it sucks.

Commercials. Enter Pringles' Lord of the Rings sweepstakes. Wait, PRINGLES??? What the hell is going on tonight? Yeah, Lord of the Rings fans are really fat, but that promotion doesn't even make any sense.

Back to "The Secret Life of Games", with some fags from Gladius fagging it up in a field. Spade goes into some "Ways To Tell If You've Been Playing Too Many Video Games" spiel that he no doubt plagiarized from a Geocities site. God, this sucks.

The Most Addictive Game of the Year is Mario's Crack Party. I made that up. It's Soul Caliber II.

Some Tomb Raider bullshit, then Jenna Jameson again. Why didn't I skip straight to the wrestling? Why don't I do that right now? I'm just not that bright. The Best Action Game is True Crime: Streets of L.A. Because Spike TV's being paid to advertise it. Here's a black man in a samurai helmet. I don't know what to think anymore.

Commercials. Cigarettes kill more infants than cribs, apparently. Welcome to Crazyworld.

"The Secret Life of Games" has something about Freelancer. Don't even know what that is.

The Pontiac GTO Best Driving Game is Nascar Thunder 2004. Who?

Anjew W.K. sings a song from his wheelchair. He broke his foot in an incident involving parties, I'm guessing. He is a Jew, right? A screamy Jew. It's not even "Party Hard"? Pass, Droz. Wait, now it is. What is this, a medley? I think this show has given me vertigo.

You Got Any Egggggs? Nicole Eggert. Big stars tonight, folks. Here's more Most Anticipated Games. Full Spectrum Warrior. Gran Turismo 4. That's Italian for "Big Turd". 4. Half-Life 2. Wow. Wow.

Commercials. Fuck.

This time Spade is accompanied by Vapid Whore. Pamela Anderson. Anyone on this show could have been "Vapid Whore". Here are some Stormtroopers. WHAT PLANET AM I ON??? God, let it be Alderaan. The winner for Best Fantasy Game is Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. I'm not sure if Spike TV realizes that Nintendo is still in business. Darth Vader and Boba Fett are attending the VGAs. And they're humiliated, AS THEY SHOULD BE.

The Best Sports Video Game is Tony Hawk's Underground. There's Tony. And here's his Boom-Boom Huc-Jam. It's the Killer B's skateboarding and Mat Hoffman riding his girls' Schwinn. I think they're the Killer B's, at least. Triple H's favorite skateboarders.

"The Secret Life of Video Games". TAK & THE POWER OF JUJU??? NOBODY PLAYED THAT!!!!! Maybe Goldberg did. More Most Anticipated Games. Halo 2, starring Shannon Moore. Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. The Sims 2. Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow. When's Mysterio going to job out?

Commercials. Hey Dieter Weber, shoot me in the head. This show's so bad that I'm forced to eat Skittles. You're contributing to my weight gain, Spike TV. Lawsuit.

Stripperella was canceled, plz.

The Wild Boyzzz have taken a break from abusing animals to abuse me. I am not an animal. They get naked or something. Whatever. Here are some awards no one liked, I guess. Best Online Game - Final Fantasy XI. Best First Person Action - Call Of Duty. Best PC Game - Halo: Combat Evolved. Best Handheld Game - Tom Clancy's Sphincter Cell.

Alan Wu Carried Me used to be funny once, I swear to God. But not anymore, Skunkboy. Not anymore. Best Fighting Game is Smackdown: Here Comes The Pain. That's not even a fighting game. There are Al and Coach, God bless 'em. Maybe Snow can finally pick up those two XBOX games he lied about.

What The Hell? v. The Next Mideon

Jenna Jameson is very well suited to the role of Lilian Garcia. Al and Coach announce. Is this a tag match or what? No, it's Jericho/Mysterio. I guess Victoria and Stratus were just announced for no reason.

Pieface by Jericho. Who's that jumpin' out the pie, etc. Lockup, off of which Rey's shoved down to the mat. He ducks Jericho's clothesline and dropkicks him in the thigh. Whip reversed, tilt-a-whirl headscissors! Corner whip reversed, but Rey blocks the charge with his boots. Second rope headscissors! Off the ropes, victory roll, 1, 2, no. Jericho regains control with a flapjack. Pose.

Knife-edge chop by Jericho. A hard corner whip puts Rey down. Backbreaker on the knee. Jericho hangs on to do it twice more. 1, 2, no. Middle rope chokery, but Chris' charge crotches him. Front dropkick by Mysterio! 1, 2, no. He hits the ropes, but Jericho meets him with a big boot. Snapmare, Ninja Chokeout. I'll give Def Jam Vendetta the honorary Ninja Chokeout Award.

There's an edit, after which we see Rey drop toehold Jericho into a second rope hotshot. 619! Springboard crotch attack, but Victoria attacks Rey. Uh. That's not a DQ because the Video Game Awards are awful. Trish fends off Victoria because she hates Jericho, I guess. Uh. Baseball slide and a HUGE plancha by Reymond! And now I guess it's a women's match. Uh.

Corner whip reversed by Victoria, who looks to be wearing Stevie Night Heat trunks beneath her regular pants. Tied in the Tree of Spiders is Trish. She loses her shirt, because... dude, I don't know. Stratus' headscissors counters the Spiderweb in mid-move! That was admittedly awesome, but still not worth this crapfest. Victoria loses the shirt, as well. Trish Elixes under a clothesline to deliver weak chops.

Set up for the Stratusphere. Victoria tries to counter with a pantsing, but it ultimately fails. No pants for Victoria. Jack Chick kick. 1, 2, 3. Why did they bother with all the awful stripping if... my poor, poor head. Victoria, to her credit, still sports her monstrous kneebrace. And I'm sure she can find some spiders to weave her a new set of clothes. Trish and Rey celebrate for some... reason. So many ellipses.

Commercials. UPN has a terrible, terrible new animated series that's just terrible.

That Bitch From The "Uncle Buck" Sitcom happens to be Tia Carrere. Tonight's Hall of Fame recipient is the dot from Pong. This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. Thanks for that 10-second taped appearance, Shaq! The dot is voiced by Gilbert Gottfried. When VH1 does "I Love The 2000s", this is TOTALLY going to be the What The Fuck moment.

Orlando "Jordan" Jones is with a fucking Crank Yankers puppet. No. The Most Anticipated Game of the Year turns out to be Halo 2: Revenge of the Zombified Mooron.

Never even heard of "Kalise", folks.

Commercials. Yuna's singing is a REFRESHING CHANGE OF PACE by this point.

"The Secret Life of Video Games". I TOLD you, I don't know what Freelancer is.

Best Music in a Video Game goes to Ninja Chokeout Vendetta. Let's get ready to suck it with DMX. He gives it to us. Unh.

And it's over.

Final Thoughts: No.