Supplemental: The Mysterious JG: Everything he touched, he destroyed. We'll be right back. Actually, what I mean to say is that The Mysterious JG's Mysterious PC is Msyteriously ... dead, again. Anyhow, I called me familia today to mention that since I'd had the day off, I had the TV to myself and my computer had actually recorded Smackdown (if I don't remember to tell it otherwise, it will record Monty Python's Flying Circus), I'd gone ahead an made some screen captures he could use. Then I find out he won't be able to do the beacap at all. Be forewarned: I'm using the computer I have attached to my PC, so I can't really read what I'm typing too well, what with the TV's resolution being so low. Expect spelling errors.

Pre-smack: Ohh, man, I missed "Girlfriends?"

Commercials. Say, what's that new pickup from Honda? IT'S A RIDGELINE, BOY!! This local commercial for Easterns motors (where your job is your credit) features a soundtrack that makes me think Chavo Guerrero is going sneak up behind Clinton Portis and Carmelo Anthony and attack them, before they can say "At Easterns, you can score a touchdown." How, exactly, you score a touchdown at a car dealership, I dunno. Also, I guess Carmelo Anthony doesn't say anything about touchdowns. It makes me miss Crazy John's Tire House and Rims, though.

Opening Promo: Haha, the opening theme music got HASSAN'D. Col. Robert Daivari is wearing a dashing white suit, but alas, no bola tie. In the group shot of all the draft possibilities, The Heart JOBS AWW SNAP appear to be two heads sticking out of the same body. Good of you to hand him the mic handle-first, Daivari. You've been in the knife-sales business before. Hassan doesn't like Independence Day. Yeah, I sorta thought Bill Pullman didn't make a very convincing president, either. He also thinks that a Soupbone-throwing Hologram's time is past. Gee, for that matter, maybe Stone Cold doesn't have the guts to come out here, either. BONG. My recording keeps sticking during his entrance, which doesn't bother me one bit. Hassan starts talking about how much he respects UT, but that he's never beaten Hassan. Taker takers Hassan by the neck, but Daivari goes for the no-sold chairshot. Hassan slides out of the ring, leaving Daivari to take the chokeslam.

Commercials. Hey, a new "Parts: The Clonus Horror!" And a new series, "Everybody Hates Chris." You know, when your series pivots around making fun of the name of a sitcom that just ended, you're not starting off on the right foot.

Replay of Taker. Y'know, I'd forgotten whether Daivari got his.

Some People Call me the Space Cowboy vs. Oooh, Male Pattern Baldness: Circling, leg sweep by Chavo. Headlock by Chavo reversed. London into the ropes, sholderblock by London. Pinfall gets 1. More circling, kick by Chavo. Exchanging blows, Chavo punched to the corner. Whip by London reversed, Chavo charges after him into the corner, London gets the boot up, Mushroom Stomp time.

Chavo rolls out, London gives chase, both back in with Chavo getting the boots to London. Mexican-American uppercut by Chavo. Chavo boot-chokes London in the corner. Chavo starts kicking back, back suplex by Chavo. Pin gets 2. Armbar into a clothesline. Another 2-count. London reverses a corner whip, Chavo stops himself and hops over the charging London, London catches a sitting dropkick and turns it into a monkeyflip, Chavo lands on the second rope and kicks London away, London dropkicks Chavo out of TEH STOOPID. Both men down as we hear lawnmowers!

The Lawn Care Kings bring things to a halt as they ride to the ring 'Taker-style in "Juan Deere" lawnmowers. London and Chavo band together since Chavo realizes he sounds entirely too Caucasian to join the ranks of Showbusiness is Run by the Juice, Hey! I Jobbed to Jarrett in TNA Once! and "Super" Means Now With 10% More Craziness. Chavo gets knocked out early and decides to let 'em team up on London. Psychosis demands a mic, then on commands from Juvi, clobbers the ring timekeeper with it. London tries for another offensive, but just ends up Anglized. Juvi asks "Is there any Mexican in the house?" a few times. He says the Gringos think you're fat. Super Crazy: "GORDOS?!?!" They also think you're lazy. Psychosis: "PLOCOS?!?!" Wow, it's Spanish vocabulary time! If only they'd spelled them at the bottom of the screen, too. Juvi: "But you know what? Quite frankly, they're right!" He says don't work against the Gringos, rise against the Gringos. Umm, wouldn't working against them be a sort of uprising? Juvi introduces his familia/amigos. "This is." Psychosis: "Yes it's true!" It's damn true. "I am the real psycho! I am Psychosis!" The fake psycho must be Sid. They split from the same set of genes, but one ended up sucking. It's a "Twins" situation. Super crazy doesn't try to speak English. Dat's cool.

We see images of the Wrestlemania game, intros of all the participants in the main event. 'Cept Hassan, 'cause he's not in it.

Commercials. Jared and K-Swiss shoes were both in there somewhere.

Last week's Rey-Eddie stuff. Rey says he's out for redemption. Somebody's gonna be upset about the use of the word "redemption."

I'm glad baldness skips a generation is interviewed by It's bad enough I have to interview guys on my own show, now I've gotta do Smackdown too?. He asks why Eddie was smiling after his loss last week. "You wanna know why I was smiling last week? I was smiling because I know the truth." Ron Killings? Eddie says Rey will beg him not to tell the truth. Eddie's the host of the hit new game show, "To Beg Me Not to Tell the Truth." He shouldn't have to bed Eddie to lie, he's supposed to do that anyway.

Backstage, a body that won't quit is with an IQ of 300 and an American Gladiator. "Did Paris call back?" Sorry, Mileena, only a few thousand did, not the whole population. Anyway, she makes her singles debut tonight, so MN should stay behind. When she walks out the door, two guys pretending to be about ten guys shout at her to pose in various ways. Oh, did I mention Mileena was bent over and the guys were distracted? It shore was wacky. Mileena apparently expects headlines in Variety. Y'know, in the wrestling section.

Nevermind, it was only one guy pretending to be ten guys. He didn't even change his voice.

Commercials. "Rebound." Ehh, I'm tired, but you know. It's not gonna be cool. Not cool like the Nissan Altima. It's totally not a conventional 4-door sedan.

The Smackdown summr bash tour. People came a long way to be fondled by My Only Friend is Lil' Johnny. A love interest for Mercury, so ... Greg? vs. "Michelle Mc" is Gaelic for "Carlito thinks you're not". Cool's nickname is JG's contribution to the 'beak. This is announced as a "divas match." So are the restrooms marked "Men's" and "Divas'?" Last week, these two catfought. Mileena applies makeup while McCool is walking to the ring. McCool with the POOOUNCE!!! to start things. Mileena slides out of the ring, McCool does a double-kick while sitting on the second rope. Mileena makes a run for it, McCool grabs her and drags her back in. A schoolgirl (not Mercury) by McCool gets 2. Dropkick gets 2. Mileena begs off, then suckerpunches McCool. Clubberin' by Mileena. Mileena chokes McCool on the ropes. Mileena sends McCool to the ropes, McCool with a Shades of Tomko (Fucking Fuck Up A Kick Kick). She sends Mileena into the corner, then climbs up for the counting punches. Mileena drip-dries her down (what you call it when women do powerbombs in England, according to Lord Alfred Hayes. Acutally, she more pushes McCool off of her. She then drags her toward the corner like she's gonna do a Bonzai Drop or something, Then uses the ropes to pin McCool for 3. And here come If Rico were still here, I'd job to him in Atlasphere ad If Rice were still here, he'd job to me in chess. She orders them to perform the Shine Aqua Illusion, which they do, summoning If I ever feud with the Mexicools, I'll thaw out and talk about exterminating the Juice to clear the ring of heels.

Backstage, "Sign of the Wolverine" is only available after a hardcore ascension is doing pushups. His upswing isn't much higher up than his downswing.

Commercials. KFC brags about "Old-School Taste Forever." Undertaker tastes like chicken.

Why is someone calling me on a cellphone to ask whether I can feel the heat? is out to the ring. Fan sign:

"So I guess everybody saw the match I had last week with Rey Mysterio. I guess everybody saw him beat me again. Everybody in here probably thinks I'm a loser. Well, see, the only loser in this is Rey Mysterio, because, see, I'm a winner in life! I've overcome obstacles and situations that each and every one of you can only dream about! So, I did a little bit of soul-searching, I took a journey to kind of find my barriers. I actually took a camera to document my little journey, and I find it quite interesting. And I think Rey Mysterio would find it interesting too, because it involves one of his family members. Heh, actually, I'm no going to tell you about it, I'll let the footage speak for itself."

Eddie's out at a playground. He's not holding the camera. Must be GTV. As it turns out, he's at Dominick's daycare. Isn't Rey's son a little young to be running a daycare? "Dominic! Orale, vato loco! Gimmie a wave!" Wow, everybody's a crazy dude to Eddie. Eddie: "I wonder if he likes secrets." . "I wonder if he likes bedtime stories. Maybe I should ask him." Eddie offers Dominick some candy to get him off of the swings. Next he;ll take him to his unmarked van. His only mistake, really, was taking the camera out where people could see it. TNM noted, and I agree, that Twizzlers aren't really the best molester candy. I mean, kids are gonna reject that anyway, even if you aren't a stranger. "Show me how fast you can go up those ... those ... that slide!" At the bottom of the slide, Eddie Claus sits Dominick on his lap and asks about secrets and bedtime stories. Dominick, natutrally, tells Uncle Eddie he loves both. They say they love each other It's a touching moment.

"Hey Rey-Rey! I know you were looking at that! What do you say, holmes? You think I should tell everybody, our little secret? You think I should share it with the world?" Here comes No! Don't tell them of my love for Chad!, with a special mourning mask. "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, calm down, holmes! I didn't come out here to judge you. Don't -- don't say nothing." Rey asks him not to go there. "You don't want me to tell them the truth?" One guard doesn't want you to tell the truth, one guard doesn't want you to lie, one alternates, and one craves human flesh. "You don't think thta it's time for Dominick to know yours and my little secret?" Raven, the baby isn't yours, it's Stevie's. "You lost the fire in your eyes! What's the matter with your eyes, man?" He's been wearing the nutso contacts for how long now and you're just getting around to noticing? So insensitive. Eddie begs Rey to hit him, then shoves him down. "I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! NOBODY BEATS EDDIE GUERRERO! I ALWAYS COME OUT ON TOP! I ALWAYS WIN, NO MATTER HOW IT HAPPENS I AM ALWAYS VICTORIOUS!" Awesome. Eddie demands Rey get on his knees and beg him not to tell the truth. He gets all Spanishy. Rey begs. "Just what I thought. Hey Rey, you want some candy, holmes?" Eddie spits some out and shoves it into Rey's face. "Chew on that." Psycho Eddie could have a feud with the straw-doll version of Vince Russo and I'd still think it was the coolest thing ever.

Commercials. This guy who lost his ride racing for pinks isn't nearly sexy enough to make me want to buy his game.

Here's a package to set up the six-way main event. And here's the match. Out first is Jubilant Butch Lesbians. Tazz calls him a Texas transplant. So some poor donor out there is walking around with his Texas removed. Next is For that matter, I've never much liked Jeff Goldbum (w/Do you want your Undertaker extra-crispy or original recipie?) Oh, man, Daivari's not gonna be here! Recouping from his chokeslam wounds. Here's Where's my wife, Booker T's Wife Sharmel?, then I'm off of Velocity? And now, the next ring into will let us know who they've put in place since My new brand's name describes a way of preparing meat! I'm so happy! jumped ship. Hooray! Rodney Mack has been rehired, and he's gonna suit up in his gun-panties for the title match! Wait, it's just Holla holla holla if you hear me hear me hear me. He's here to introduce the replacement, one of the draft picks, A Time Mage. No, seriously:

I mean, he's got frickin' stars on his pants. One more:

He totally looks like that guy in Orge Battle. Warren? Please, just keep the lights down until he's eliminatedis the last to show up (busy eating somewhere) and appears magically in the ring. Everybody flees but Christian, who doesn't see. D'oh! He starts talkin' a little, then begins to walk off ... SUCKERPUNCH! If only this didn't mean Taker will get to kill him now. Christian tossed into the ropes, spazz-out punches by Taker. Whipped into the other corner, snake eyes. Big boot, legdrop ... wait a second! Is there no show without that deadly combo now? Pin gets 2. Haha, Christian kicked out of a big boot/legdrop combo. He's invincible. Christian dashes over to tag in Hassan. Crazy about-to-get-murdered eyes.

Commercials. Cabana with Hogan next week. No new nicknames.

During the break, Taker dominated Hassan. COME ON! A lot of Undertaker's offense involves being in the corner. Tazz: "Watch this!" A ... punch by Taker. More corner clubbering, Taker snapmares Hassan. Taker chokes Hassan with a forearm. Back to the corner. Whip by Taker, Hassan elbows before Taker can charge in, Hassan into the ropes and eats a big boot. Armbar, shoulder, olde schoole. Taker sends Hassan into JBL's corner, JBL pushes Taker on the back to tag in. Taker puches JBL off the apron then clotheslines Hassan to the outside. Hassan tags to Benoit. Clubbing blows by JBL. Haha, I typed "cubbing." Benoit sent to the ropes, delivers a Starman chop. Chops by Benoit. Punches, snap suplex by Benoit. Off the ropes, Benoit elbow. Kneelifts JBL to the corner. Corner chops. JBL staggers out, then gives Benoit a thumb to the eye. Swinging neckbreaker, then elbows by JBL. Pin gets 2. JBL sends Benoit into the ropes, Benoit ducks a clothesline then hits a nice flying shoulderblock. Rolling Germans get 2. JBL into the ropes, Benoit Papa Shangos, JBL clubs him. Benoit gets punched, chops back, and JBL tags out to Hassan. Punches, snap suplex by Hassan gets 1. Hassan sends Benoit into the ropes and elbows him down for a 2-count. Hassan scoops up Benoit, but Benoit slides behind looking for Germans. Any Germans back here? Nope, Hassan blocks with his leg. Hassan back elbows, but Benoit ducks and gets him in a nice northern lights suplex. That's 2. Knees, punches and chops by Benoit. Hassan fights back, misses a swinging punch, Benoit gives him a release German. Hassan crawls to the ropes, where he comes eye-to-eye with Taker. Then he punches him in the mouth. They brawl, including more spazzing out in the corner by Taker. Taker throws Hassan outside, where Hassan goes for a chair. Taker boots him, then grabs the chair and smacks Hassan for a DQ. Cole says Hassan is also out of the match for some reason.

Commercials. Ennh-ehh.

When we return, Booker and Benoit are fighting. Atlantian whip, hiptoss reversed by Booker T. Booker and Benoit exchange chops. Booker stumbles to the corner, Benoit whips Booker across the ring, Booker reverses and Benoit hits HARD on the buckles. Booker looks kinda confused for a second, then covers for 2. Armbar into a kick for Booker. Cover for 2. Puts Benoit into the corner, chops, Benoit turns him around and chop. Whips Booker into the ropes, high knee. Aand another. Pin gets 2. ABDOMINAL STRETCH! If he were Mike Rotundo, Booker'd be DEAD! Booker starts powering out, so Benoit lets go and clobbers him. Snap suplex by Benoit. Scoop slam, elbow drop. Benoit looking for a suplex, but Booker blocks and reverses. Benoit into the ropes, Booker T clotheslines. Booker jaws with JBL and Benoit gets a small package pin for 2. Kick and an inzhughiri by Benoit. Both men dead, Christian goes nuts trying to reach in and tag one of them. Benoit up, but Booker hot-shots him over the ropes. Booker looks for the scissor kick, but Benoit dodges and tries for a sharpshooter. Booker kicks out of the first one, but Benoit comes right back after it. Booker hand-walks to the ropes, but JBL pulls the rope away. Benoit tries to switch to a crossface, but JBL tags Benoit. Repeated swinging neckbreaker slams by JBL. Cover, but Benoit tags himself in. He puts Booker on the top for a superplex, but JBL tags himself in. JBL DDTs Beonoit and gets a 3! As much as I hate to see Benoit out of the match, it's great to see the DDT used as a stun move for a surprise pinfall.

Commercials. Sure is late.

JBL and Booker are both down. Booker chops JBL to Christian's corner, where Christian tags JBL. JBL holds Booker for Christian can get in a few shots. Neckbreaker followed by a butt nudie choke. Booker fights out, goes to the ropes, ducks a clothesline but eats a dropkick from Christian. 2 count. Neck crank by Christian. Booker powers out with right hands. Christian in the corner, but elbows Booker. Christian THE STUPIDS into a flapjack. That was wierd. Chops exchanged, Booker with a cross-body off the ropes. Clothesline by Booker. Scissor kick misses, unprettier is countered with a shove to the ropes, heel kick by Booker. Christian kicks out at 2 and tags to JBL. JBL with a running boot and and elbow. JBL pins, but Booker's in the ropes. JBL follows Booker into the corner with a clothesline. Make that a double. Pin gets 2. JBL gets in powerbomb position, makes the cabinet sign, and gets back body dropped. Booker runs into another boot, 2 count. Booker whipped into the ropes, Christian tags him, JBL elbows Booker and turns his back to Christian. Flying forearm by Christian once JBL turns around gets him a 2 count. Punches, kicks and chops by Christian, Canadian whip reversed, back body drop by JBL. JBL groans like Christian's mighty weight just gave him a hernia. Right hands in the corner, JBL whips Christian across, rushes after but Christian gets the boot up. "Lets go Christian" chant. TORNADO DDT by Christian. Nice. 1, 2, and the crowd's pretty shocked that didn't do it. Thumb to the eyes by JBL. Neckbreaker to Christian gets JBL a 2 count. Rear choke by JBL. Christian fights out, thumbs JBL to the eye, goes to the ropes, ducks two clotheslines but eventually leaps into a fallaway slam. Christian tags out to Booker T. Corner beatdown by Booker T. Whip attempt by Booker double-reversed, flying chop by Booker. Clothesline, Harlem sidekick. Booker T up top, missile dropkick connects. Cover gets 2. Chops, Booker sent into the ropes, bookend! 1, 2, NO! JBL just kicks out of everyone's finishers because he sees people kicking out of clotheslines all the time.

Commercials. Shut up, Jared.

We're back, and JBL is going to the high risk rent district. He's powerslammed on his way down, netting Booker a 2 count. The crowd's really expecting JBL to go now. Chops exchanged, thumb to the eye by JBL. Whoa ... deja vu. Booker T into the ropes, Christian tags him, Booker ducks a clothesline (looked like it was comming from a Hellish direction) and goes for the scissor kick again, but Christian scoops him up! 1, 2, 3! Booker's pissed. christian's doing an aaaaawful lot of posing ... with his mastery of sign language, he tells Booker that "regardless of whether you're a five-time champion, it's now time for you to take a stroll, for I, Christian, have outfoxed you." Aaaaand there's the clothesline from hell. 1, 2, 3. Hey, JBL's changed his music to Rodney Mack's old music! Wait, it's just Teddy again. JBL hugs the ref as Teddy does his junior swagger to the ring. "JBL, I've got some good news, and I've got some bad news for you, playa!" JBL is reaching for what appears to be the wrapped-up belt like an infant reaching for a mobile. Now the bad news is, even though you won the match, you are not the Smackdown champion! Y'know something, playa? Recently, I found out that there's no need for a Smackdown championship. Now, the good news is, that you have earned the right to be the new number one contender to this man!" He introduces Making my fantasy team, other than Viscera. He's got little bandages on his head. He carries the belt out and looks at JBL, dropping the sunglasses. He must be really serious about looking at JBL.

Final Thoughts: There! I've sealed my position as commentator for the next WV-15.