So, this is going to be weird. I've never rebeaked a good iMPACT! before OH NO I DINNAT
WARNING: VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. Gee, I didn't realize the Miz was goin to be on. INSPIRED BY REAL EVENTS. Or, if you prefer, events that did not involve paintbrushes.
Oh, it's a video package of Lockdown. Don West: "RIGHT IN THE FACE!! RIGHT IN THE FACE!! RIGHT ... IN ... THE ... FAAAAACE!!" It's a faaaace!! Sofa asked me earlier this week which announcer was better at losing his shit, Don West or Michael Cole. I stand by my decision. Now, Abyss and James Mitchell are WALKING!! I guess Abyss got the belt. Mitchell: "You humiliated Christian. In front of his wife, in front of those loathsome peeps of his ..." From the looks of him, Abyss doesn't find peeps loathsome in the least.
Oh yeah. I went there.
iMPACT! has new opening music, with complicated lyrics. Come on, TNA, help me out! How am I supposed to comically mishear "adrenaline ruch" said a million times over? Mike Tenay informs us that tonight we'll be seeing Samoa Joe defend his title against Jay Lethal, and we'll see Team USA fight Team Japan. Wait, isn't Lethal on Team USA? Oh, and Samoa Joe is still undefeated. So I guess he either beat Sabu or the match was somehow changed into a three-way ultimate X match and something goofy happened.
We start with OOO-OOH, AAAW-FUL and CLICK WHAM DOOMSDAY headed to the ring. West tells us that Christian won the match, but Abyss stole the belt. Dude, they were in Christian's freakin' house a couple of weeks ago, why didn't they just grab it on the way out? Fans: "Not the champ! Not the champ!" Thank goodness, the last thing we need is John Cena. Though, sadly, that was a much better feud, from the days before Christian drank a wussiness potion. DRINK POTION PLAY AGAIN. Mitchell says Christian probably feels he still has "some technichlonorship" to the belt. Huh? Mitchell issues an open challenge, which is answered by ...
FUCK. RHYNO.
He rushes the ring and gets stomps and clubbers from Abyss, but Rhyno starts firing back with punches. Rhyno sends Abyss to the corner and clotheslines him. Whip to the other corner, Abyss reverses it, but Rhyno puts the elbow up before Abyss can charge in after him. Rhyno clotheslines Abyss out of the ring, who lands on his ass on the apron, then hops off with the usual retarded oversell. This is too exciting for us to not take a break.
Commercials. I missed WFP's Hog-a-mania show. Well, it happened and I wasn't there, anyway. JG probably would have looked at some fat guy on a Harley and said, "Hey, it's Dusty Rhodes!" and gotten us killed.
We're back, and Abyss is on offense. A pinfall gets two. He chases Rudy Charles out of the ring, then turns around to get punched by Rhyno as he's getting up. Abyss knees Rhyno, which makes Rhyno dead again. Abyss starts making really huge title belt motions. Umm ... you already have the belt, dude, and cannot win one in this match. Perhaps he's asking for a corset. Sexay sexay thang. He boot chokes Rhyno on the ropes. Now Abyss is ... pressing Rhyno's head against the middle turnbuckle. Abyss turns Rhyno around and chops him. Abyss turns around to cross his arms and ask for a girdle again, and Rhyno takes the opportunity to start laying in with the chops. Another knee by Abyss, then he starts wrenching Rhyno's head from behind.
No commercial here, I just hate long paragraphs. Anyhow, Rhyno makes his way back to his feet, Abyss throws him to the ropes, but ends up eating a hopping clothesline from Rhyno. Tenay tells us Larry Zabisco is on probation and Raven has been reinstated by a mystery person who will be the new face of TNA. So the new face of the new face of professional wrestling. But who will this new face's new face's new face be?? Raven's Canadain girlfriend, maybe? Elbow by Rhyno, he goes charging in on Abyss, who grabs him for the chokeslam. One, two, no. Abyss pitches Rhyno to the corner, Abyss charges, and Rhyno gets out of the way. And I get deja vu. Punching happens. Rhyno sends Abyss in to the corner, spears him, then delivers a belly2belly. James Mitchell is on the apron, and here comes Bobby Roode with the Northern lariat. Don West tells us we can see the doomsday. We're having nightmares like from "Terminator 2." But yeah, there's the Black Hole Slam and the pin. Tenay: "They stole the NWA heavyweight title at Lockdown, and Mitchell and Abyss just stole a victory over the war machine Rhyno!" He was offense for about fifteen seconds total in the match.
Post match, here's WHEN I USE MY BROTHER'S RATING SYSTEM I'M THE RATED ZZZ SUPERSTAR to attack. Wow, Abyss really dislikes the idea of being set up for the unprettier.
That's why he reverses out, but Christian then spears him. Edge taught him that move, shortly after inventing it. Tenay: "How 'bout that? He just took Abyss down!" HOW 'BOUT IT?? Chrystian (sorry, habit after the match) goes after the belt, but James Mitchell runs away with it. we are denied a hilarous Shannon Moore vs AJ Styles-esque chase scene, however, when Abyss clubs Christian from behind. Christian stunned on the ropes, so Abyss backs up for his retardo-charge ... Christian pulls down the top rope to send Abyss over, hitting his ass on the apron again! Working over that one body part.
Christian's got a mic. "Abyss, I think you've got something that belongs to the peeps." He stole their delicious sugary frosting. He calls Abyss "Shrek." "But since you're playing the premise that possession is 9/10ths os the law, I say we do it like this: At Sacrifice, we take that title, suspend it [somehow] high above this ring, and mix in three little initials." CLB? "Tables, ladders, and chairs." Umm, those aren't initials, Christian. Sacrifice, by the way, is May 14. MAY 1 MAY 14 MAY 14 ... wait, nothing's supposed to happen that day.
Backstage, Jeremy Borash is with Scott Steiner an Jeff Jarrett. They will face Sting and a mystery partner at Sacrifice. Here comes Larry Z Cable Guy, and his voice is cracking like he's going through puberty. If he's lucky he'll get to that stage where he starts growing hair again. Jarrett: "How you doing, there, Mr. Probation?" We get to find out Sting's partner tonight. We're not really shooting for drawn-out suspense here, I guess. As the space police leave, Mr. Probation expresses worry over Raven's existence. I mean, nobody wants to get side Russian leg sweeped into a security railing, I guess.
Commercials. Liquor and steak and family or something. I can't see, the window is playing behind the notebook file.
Video package for Sacrifice. Meh.
Total nonstop Alex, now that's more like it. He's been so good behind the camera, that now he's in front of it. Though he still is holding one. "Two camera shoot today, I'm moving up the world." Alex Shelly's trying to shoot holes in the 13th greatest thing of all time's logic.
He knocks on the door and YOU KNOW who answers. Kevin Nash would show up on my return edition of iMPACT!. The full interview next week, by which time maybe someone else will have expressed an interest in doing the show.
Time for X-cup stuff. Apparently it's not an elimination tournament, there's some kind of nutty points system I'm too tired to grasp. Team Japan's music sounds like stage select music for a Mega Man game. Err, a Rockman game. Team USA has a peppy version of "The Star-Spangled Banner." Which reminds me, JG: JBL came out to his Great American Celebration to "Stars and Stripes Forever." "The Washington Post March" is the one "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan" used to use.
Ass.
Team USA's contingent is @1x Shelly and No, it's the Trump Taj Mahal on my pants, seriously!. Shelly hands his camera off to Borash, who looks at it as though it is both confusing and repuslive. Sprinkler by Dutt to keep our fruited plains well-watered. Steeple post by @1x to make sure that God bressu of Amelica. YES! The announce team is joined by I'm almost positive he is the "Big Sexy" jobber. Man, do I sometimes irrationally love Scott D'Amore. The X-cup is sitting at the table, looking like two bowling trophies stacked vertically. Joining him is Pee Dee Williams, taking notes in a reporter's notebook. I'm not sure if he's supposed to be following the match, or he's here to cover the big news, as D'Amore announces that Bobby Rude and F-Zero (Alistair Ralphs, not Captain Falcon) have been replaced on Team Canada by Johnny Devine and HOLY SHIT TYSON DUX. Okay, everybody bow the fuck down to Scott D'Amore right now and thank his big load for replacing A-frickin'-1 with Crazy Dancing Guy. I'll wait.
All right, TNA, I forgive you for including Kevin Nash in a segment. For now. Sonjay has Japanese Without a Tiger Mask in an arm-BAR, then tags to Shelly, who mushroom stomps the arm from off the top! Nice. Abdominal strech by Shelly. Man, if he were Mike Rotundo, this match would be OVER!! Instead, he gives Dutt the signal, who goes for a sitting dropkick to J w/o TM while he's still in the hold. Shelly turns it into a neckbreaker. D'Amore: "Y'know, I hate to give credit to an American, but this Alex Shelly is solid. Sonjay Dutt, not really in his league ..." Haha. D'Amore questions the wisdom of putting Shelly and Dutt in a match when Dutt obviously has a problem with Shelly. Yeah man, it's the A/V club, not Students for a Free Tibet. Dutt hops onto Shelly in electric-chair position, then Shelly slides him off onto J w/o TM. Pinfall gets two before ... crap, the other guy on team Japan whose name I didn't hear is the other one without the tiger mask on! Well, one's got tights and one's got pants.
D'Amore continues to go on about how Shelly is carrying Team USA on his own. Tenay: "In the opening minutes of this matchup, it's been Shelly and Dutt working as a cohesive team!" D'Amore (REALLY whinily): "In the opening minutes of this maaatchuuup!" Haha. Shelly hits Japanese with pants with a knee in the corner. He sends J w/P into the corner, but J w/P counters with a sweep into a leg scissor. Dutt breaks it up, so J w/P tosses him outside. J w/P kicks Shelly a few times in the knee, then goes to the ropes and dropkicks it. J w/P tags out to Japanese with Tights, who ties Shelly's leg in the rope and kicks away. OK, J w/T is Hiroki Godo. Sweet, that's one name down. So Godo is turning over Shelly for a sort of half-crab, which Dutt tries to get in to break up. Godo tags out to non-Godo. Meanwhile, Guidance Counselor Lynn and Big Brother Program Mentor Chris Sabin are watching the kids. Tenay: "And you know Jerry Lynn is there in the ear of Chris Sabin." Khan put him there so Sabin would lure Capt. Kirk to Seti Alpha-5. "Let's go Alex" chant as Shelly's head hits the turnbuckle. Haha, Minoru claps along with the fans. I learned his name, and that he was cool, all at the same time! Minoru mounts the turnbuckle and joins the "Let's go Alex" chant for a second before he gets punched down by Shelly. Godo rushes in, but is also punched away. Shelly dropkicks he standing Minoru from off the top, landing on Godo. Dutt's tagged in and is a Taj Mahal afire. Asai kick on Godo, knocking him down and setting him up for an Asai legdrop. Shouldn't Team Japan be doing all the moves named after Ultimo Dragon? 1, 2, Minoru breaks it up. Minoru sent to the corner, but knocks back Dutt. Shelly's in to make it twin dropkicks for Team USA on Minoru's THE STUPID. Shelly gets the evil superkick on Godo, which Dutt follows up with the running inzugiri. Shelly lifts Minoru for ... the Finnegan's Wake-Up Call?!? Dutt with a legdrop off the top for Godo, and Shelly drosp Minoru on top of Godo. Shin gutbuster by Shelley, holds him in position, and Dutt Asai moonsaults onto Godo. 1, 2, Minoru breaks up the pin! Really? Minoru dropkicks Shelly to the outside, then holds Dutt. Godo nails Dutt with a top-rope dropkick. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR T-BONES?!? Godo's suplex is composed of delicious Kobe beef. It only gets a two count, though. Godo whips Dutt into a kick by Minoru, then he lifts Dutt in ... I dunno, it's (part 2 of) Kinda fireman's carry slam-ish. The pin is broken up by Shelly. Godo tries the same move on Shelly, but Shelly slips out and gives him a standing inzugiri. Shelly goes for the sliced bread/Jecht Shot/what have you, which Dutt follows up with a standing Senton, and Team USA gets the pin. Aww, it hurts to much to sprinkler. Shades of Rick Rude.
Backstage, Borash is with Styles and The Fallen Ankle. Styles has been taking hat-wearing lessons from Dutt.
So Styles thinks America's Most Whitebread has tarnished the tag team titles, and he's chosen Christopher Daniels to be his partner. They exchange fist dap. Wait a minute. Oh, I see. Daniels explains: "But let me already answer the question that's come to everyone's mind." Thank you; I was sort of expecting you guys to, y'know, continue to hate one another. "What qualifies AJ Stlyes and Christopher Daniels to be a championship-caliber tag team?" Umm, no, wrong question, how much did you wager? That match is next week.
My kids' meal is a meal of kids is out. He'll face How was I not in Lethal lockdown? next.
Commercials. They exist.
Senshi is coming. Blood runs cold. He points his handphone at the camera menacingly.
We're doing a formal introduction for the title match with Borash for whatever reason. Larry Z is also there, so we can expect I've come home!! to attack. He slides into the ring after jumping the security fence. Haha, Samoa Joe looks like he's running from Raven at first, but instead charges Jay Lethal. Hey Borash, I think you see Raven, better tell Larry! Security covers Larry's escape. Joe and Lethal exchange blows, then reverse an armdrag a few times. Lethal with a swinging neckbreaker that gets a count of two. Lethal chops and punches Joe as Joe stumbles around the ring. Joe abruptly ends a duck-under flip-over whooptie-doo session when he reaches up as Lethal tries a flip-over and just slams him to the canvas. Lethal gets the chop to the back, kick to the front and kneedrop off the ropes. Pinfall gets 2. Joe playfully boots Lethal's head. Snapmare on Lethal, followed up with a ninja chokeout. Samoan ninjas are the fattest ninjas. Lethal elbows out, heads to the ropes, but gets powerslammed down. 1, 2, Lethal gets an arm up, which Joe then floats over and puts in the code red. Lethal pedals his way to the ropes. Let's go to ...
Commercials. Mmm-hmm.
Here's a video package about Final Resolution. You probably didn't need to know that.
We're back, and Joe's on offense. Leaping fist in the corner, followed by an inzugiri. Now it's facewash time. Two whilst standing there, and one after a charge. Two count, and Joe does a great job of looking inconvenienced rather than surprised/scared whenever someone kicks out. Another headlock by Joe, Lethal hears his chant and starts elbowing out. Clothesline by Lethal, followed by ducking over a clotheline and a backflipping kick. Lethal reverses Joe's hiptoss, than gives his arm a sitting dropkick. 1, 2, nope. Lethal goes to the apron, but he's caught and sent to the mat as he slingshots back in. Lethal set in the corner, Joe runs back for the knee to the mush. You know what time it is now ...
Consider Lethal's muscles busted. They're busted like enemies in the NES version of NARC. West: "That hurts, so bad, what a move." It's ovah.
BUTWAIT! Joe's still standing around when the cosmic siren sounds! Jarrett and Joe jaw, the Scott Steiner indicated to Joe that he does, in fact, have arm muscles. He also hits the camera by mistake. Let's take a break to clean that off.
Commercials. It's getting late.
Jarrett and Steiner are in the ring, and here comes Sting Steve Borden Sting. Is the lining of Sting's coat red? What the? Sting: "I'm gonna let you choose my partner. I've got tunnel No. 1 as one choice, and I've got tunnel No. 2 as another choice. And yes, there are actual wrestlers behind each tunnel." As opposed to what, exactly? Pod people wrestlers? "One of which can be my partner, you see Jeff, it's all up to you, you simply have to make the choice. Tunnel No. 1, or tunnel No. 2." Jarrett rightfully says this is kind of goofy (especially as a main event), then seeks the wise counsel of Big Poppa Pump. Sting: "We're gonna make this really interesting, we're gonna do this in true game show format, ladies and gentlemen. I just happen to have with me a very lovely game show hostess, the lovely Christy Hemme! And there she is. Man, I bet Jarrett wishes he had picked that tunnel now. So this whole lame segment was a means of introducing Christy? Why not just have her show up and start randomly sassing Jarrett? They cue up some not-Jeopardy-music to play. Sting then says if he doesn't pick one of the tunnels, "then this thing will be null and void as of tonight and next time your choices are gonna be different." Don West: "WOOOWW!!" I wanna be able to make fun of this, but I'm too stunned/confused by it.
Am I seeing this, or am I hallucinating from lack of sleep? I'm definitely hallucinating, as Sting now reveals that tunnel No. 1 contained Half of what I considered the second-greatest tag team ever. Though I doubt Sting would serve as well as Scott "Flash" Norton to Buff Bagwell.
Umm ... the other guy was ... him.
That better be a one-time appearance, TNA. I don't wanna see no more Lex Luger 'round these parts. Sting also said "and that is a shoot" once during each introduction, which just ... argh.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I guess my perfect record remains intact.