OPENING BLOG: Aww man, we missed kickboxing?

To begin with, they run down the card. I had the volume turned down, and you're going to read through anyway, right?

Some guy who identifies himself as "yours truly" (Torrie thinks he's Mae Young) was slapped by I fear skirt-chasers when the dude said wrestling was fake. Piper, oddly enough, didn't believe him despite being a pretty seasoned veteran. Dee Dee Ray Dudley is the black guy who can't play basketball. B-Trickle's fast break highlight-reel footage ended with him hitting the ball against the rim. D-Ray and Biting your shiny metal ass appear to be playing in front of dozens of fans. JG says they're probably not used to playing in front of such crowds. The court appears semi-circular, oddly enough. Maybe tramps are involved. Cloned Rhodeses use powder on Bryan Cox. John Goodman minus the talent (OH NO I DINA) will fight a non-cheese wedge midget.

By default, better than Goldilocks is Leeann Tweeden. John "I score WV points by having the nickname 'Spider'" Salley also exists. Fan sign: Best Damn Rocks. They must be flat and good for skipping. Bryan obvious jokes, "Crappy" Tom Arnold and Hey this Chris Rose guy stole Scott D'Amore's robe is nicknamed the "Three Live Jew." Their writer could get a The Job at The Weekly Visitor! This show will be ninety minutes of wrestling action, of which JG taped thirty. Whoops. Arnold screams for two seconds about "I'm gonna fight Puppet, I'm gonna kick his ass." He now has mic skills and experience equivalent to the entire X Divison. Rose asks Arnold what time it is, and Arnold's response is "I'm gonna kick that puppet's ass." He really does need a script. They now make a series of midget jokes. If I'd wanted Jerry Lawler material, I'd have paid an underaged girl to strip.

Cue bagpipes. And piper. And Piper. An Ashley Simpson joke -- how current events! He calls Chris Rose into his pit. He calls wrestling fake, which somehow summons Johnny Fairplay. Who? Somehow, this becomes a match. Piper uses an extinguisher on Fairplay, and Rose performs a super-crappy scoop slam. He, too, is extinguished.

Scotty D Hotty is with his team, being interviewed by Tweeden. D'Amore criticizes her sluttiness, then tells her to hold the mic when she attempts to interject something about Salley and 3 Lyv non-Jew. She says "Whatever" as a stand-alone sentence 'cause she's so young and hip. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic. Not at all. She really is young and hip. Nothing Ivory about the situation at all.

Team now residing in Atlanta vs. Spy-dor: This is a capture-the-flag match, meaning ... I dunno. They end it whenever they want. JG suggests that as a "capture the fag" match, the winner recieves Rico once his non-compete clause is up. Jizzle starts his spurting punches on Bobby Roode. Eric Young goes up top, Roode puts Jizzle in a full nelson, but he escapes, so Canadian-on-Canadian violence goes on. The K-Dawg likes Feta cheese rolls around and crap until eventually faceplanting Young. Roode is waiting with a clothesline, then goes after Jizzle before he can capture a flag. Konnan with his rolling clothesline on Young, which Mic Tenay calls "ruling thunder." Roode pulls Konnan outside of the ring, while D'Amore slides in to try and get the flag himself. Salley throws a basketball at him (yes, he couldn't be bothered to punch, kick or slam), D'Amore crotches himself on the buckle. Jizzle climbs over D'Amore to grab the flag. I guess it didn't matter which one they got.

Now it's time to count down TNA's top five finishers. That's almost enough for a bag full of tricks. Number five is the Canadian Destroyer, 'cause P.D. Williams doesn't have "the stroke" for a higher result. Literally, o ho ho. Then we go to commercial. I guess the Canadian Destroyer was 1-5. Justice is done after all.

You can send a tape to Fox Sports to be a host on this show. You mean not all of these guys are contest winners? Tom Arnold taunts fans about their failed marriages to fatties and horrible acting careers. Wait, I got something wrong there. Now we go to a package about Cox not revealing his mystery partner. Cox tells Salley that, despite being his partner, he won't give it up. Then how are they partners? We need Chuck n' Billy to give some marital advice here.

Maybe my new voice is Rico vs. Phenomenal: AJ Styles, according to the graphic. A tables match. We start with a ducked clothesline by Abyss, with Styles punching. Guess Abyss doesn't know how to armbar. More ducking, sticking and moving. Whip is blocked by Abyss, then reversed. Flying fist by Sytles, another whip, Papa Shango by Abyss allows Styles to stand on his back turned into a leg scissor. Styles jumps at Abyss for some other crap, Abyss bearhugs him into a belly-to-belly. Abyss goes outside to the tables. Styles sees him and vaults over the top to the outside. We've got to take a break folks.

A permanent break. The taping ends there.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Ah well.