We open with a video montage of all that stuff you just got finished reading.

Here's OH SHIT following around OH SHITTY. The James Gang? Maaan. B-Jizzle: "I don't even think you're that good." Not enough retarded juking and jiving between punches. B.G. thinks Eric Young is a "good segment" and wants him to be a part of his "segment." Anyhow, nobody's gonna get fired, we're assured.

Wow, TNA really could use less pyro. Haha, while that goes off we see My jinks are higher than RVD fighting Save me, James Gang!. They brawl down the ramp, and we get a shot of What about me? What about my intact hair? In the ring, Runt charges at Abyss with a chair, but Abyss gets the boot up, sending the chair into Runt's face. Black hole slam onto the chair. Security drags Runt away.

Borash is with Street Fighter Alpha Male. Monty wants in on tonight's main even with Rhino and Joe, who he calls a "Hippophant" -- half hippo, half elephant. Talk about yourjungle fever/jungle love. THERE IS NO JUDGMENT ON THE SERENGETI. Also no handphones, as this one seems to cause Monty to have a severe allergic reaction.

Haha, Borash is worried because he doesn't know where Monty's stick pen is. He also wants to know Monty's prediction for tonight. Monty: "Who do you think's gonna win tonight, Jeremy Borash?" Borash: "Well, it could go either way ..." Monty: "SILENCE!!" Don't make predictions in Encyclopedia Brown's library. "The only thing I care about is that rhinos and hippophants do not deserve to be on the Serengeti. The only thing they do deserve is to feel ... the ... POOOOUUUUNNNCCEEE UHH! PERIOD!"

Time for a four-way X division match. The captain of no man's land is out first. Next out is The master of the double-reverse ninja kick. Third up is I like big butts (FOR DINNER). Lastly we get Please Shark Boy do not bite my Dutt. Oh, I guess it's a tagging-in affair, as Shark and Petey stay on the apron. Arm-wringery to start, with Devine eventually tripping Dutt down. From the ground, Dutt trips Devine over, then kips up. Devine tags Shark Boy. Headlocks and reversals, followed by an armdrag into an armbar by Dutt. Shark Boy positions Dutt in the corner, but Petey tags Dutt to get in. Setting up Shark Boy in the tree of whoa whoa whoa, but just as Petey's getting ready to make Shark Boy sing like Shark Girl, Dutt tags himself back in. The DISTRACTION! gives shark Boy enough time to taste fine imported Canadian ass. Dutt and Shark trade punches, Dutt sent the the ropes, whip is reversed, and Shark Boy ends up getting kicked by Petey as he reaches the rope. Shark Boy turns to swing at Petey, Dutt grabs Shark Boy from behind, Shark Boy fights out (FIGHT IT OUT!!), Petey in but Shark Boy wrings his neck by grabbing Petey's head and dropping to the mat. Dutt then lands a standing moonsault on Shark Boy. Devine entering the ring as we see his boys up in the cherry-picker, doing an eye-spy on this one. Everyone is napping in the ring.

Commercials. I don't spy on that one.

We're back, and Devine and Petey are trading punches. Collect 'em all! A whooptie-doo session ends with Petey hitting the side Candain leg sweep. GET OVER HERE! But Devine doesn't get over there at all, rather he tags out to Dutt. Dutt is a customer service call center afire! (RACIST) There's a spinebuster, now connecting with an Asai moonsault. Pinfall gets 2. Enzughiri, then Dutt heads for the top but Shark Boy tags himself in. Slingshots off the apron onto Petey, which gets a 2 count. Running over to attack Devine, who back body drops him to the outside. Devine then gets a dropkick to the back from Dutt. I dunno what you call the next two moves, but Dutt did something cool to Petey then Devine did something cool to Dutt. Shark Boy kicks Devine, and I'm guessing that's the deep sea drop. But Shark Boy can't capitalize, as Petey reels in the shark (that's a really strong line he's using) for the Canadian Destroyer. 1, 2, 3. Petey's new singles music has a really weird electronic intro.

Backstage, the boss is spazzing out. "WHAT?! What's the matter Abyss! Didn't you get the memo?" What about Abyss makes you think he can read? "Don't you know how I make a living? I ever locker room I've ever been in, I look for the biggest, the baddest, the meanest son of a gun, and I walk up to him, and I smack him in the face!"

Commercials. The new generation of Wrangler rocks out thirty-year-old Thin Lizzie. I can't believe I just l@@ked that up.

Kakarot is getting a pep talk from King Kai. Jerry Lynn and Sabin start yelling at each other. Sabin: "AAH!" Lynn: "AHH!" Sabin: "AHH!" Lynn: "AHH!" Combined, they still don't measure up to Scott D'Amore.

Makin' his way to the iMPACT! Zone is Next week we should end the show with me blowing my nose. Hey, you're blowin' my ... NOSE! Christian says he doesn't deserve the fan chants. You ain't kiddin' boyo. Actually, he thinks so because he has an apology to make to Sting. He doubted Sting's intentions and thought that Sting was only after the title when now that's he's gotten himself a title shot that couldn't possibly be the case. Haha, when he finally says the two words, he pronounces it "Sore-y" like some kinda Canook or something. Anyhow, last week he went in to ask Cornette about being in Sting's corner.

And here's My eyes cost too much to answer him, from up in the rafters. He talks about how great TNA is, Then says nothing about what Christian just asked about. Or aboot, since he's so sorey.

Now we're backstage with My astrological sign is the crab. He removes his sunglasses a la Tazz. "How many times to do ah have to say this? Ah take zero responsibility for the actions of Larry Zabisco and Earl Hebner."

Commercials. Why are they remaking Phil Collins songs for a movie that should include more Miami Sound Machine?

Did I just say ... My bad? is here to tell us 5150 is police code for crazies. And 35-A is police code for RVD.

Here come Topato, Sheriff Pony and Princess Dongle with No one in the Wigu Web comic is shitty enough to equate with A-1. AMW go over to the announce table, including Gail Kim shaking her ass in front of Tenay and West. Tenay, naturally, is bitterly angry about it. Their opponents already got intros, and their music is retarded, but I love that Eric Young is announced as "living in an undisclosed location." Today Kip has three words for us, "Don't fire Eric," awwww. A very special episode of iMPACT!.

They send Eric out against A1. But Eric tags in Kip. So it's Mr. Class vs. Mr. Ass once again. Neither man can shoulderblock the other down. Kip to the ropes, A1 delivers a powerslam for 2. Kip gets A1 in an arm-BAR. I guess he tagged Eric, as Eric is now getting into the ring really hesitantly. Looots of circling. Young gets too close to his opponents' corner and Harris forearms him down from behind. A1 ia all "What's the deal? That was not the classy thing to do and I, as Mr. Class, object!" While he does this, Harris tags himself in. Whips Young off the ropes, big back body drop. He then gives the badmouth to Young, then A1. Holds Young up, then tags in A1. A1 delays trying to cheap shot Eric by pondering his fist.

Storm gets tired of this, climbs in the ring and pushes A1 aside, and goes for the punch himself. By this time, though, Young has been able to work himself free. OOPSIE!! B.G. now sneaks in for no reason, dropkicks A1 in the back, sending him dominoing into AMW. Young with the rollup, 1, 2, 3? Huh. Post-match, Eric tries to hug A1, but as soon as A1's aware of it he pushes away and stomps off. So bitter.

It's time to meet two of the finest MPW, Madagascar Pro Wrestling, superstars out there.

Super Blue Cross #6 and Simolean Joe, respectively. Nash think crackheads wear wrestling masks, apparently. Shelley: "Super Blue Cross #6, at my side!" I wish I could command masked wrestlers to do whatever. Anyhow, he goes into a flippity armbar sequence that ends with him holding SBC6's arm down with his leg, and putting him in a half-crab. "I call this the Alex special #2! I learned it in Mexico!" Nash: "Good stuff, good stuff!" Shelley: "Kevin, your turn!"

I can't decide whether that screen cap is horrible or wonderful. It makes Kevin clubbing the guy on the back look about as exciting as possible. Shelley: "That wasn't ... quite it, but effective nonetheless. We'll work on that." Nash: "Well how about this, then? *clubbing blow*" Shelley: "All right, that ... You know, that was eeriely similar to the last thing." Such a patient teacher, Matt Striker could learn much from him. Devine moonsaults on SBC6. Nash: "That, I mean, that's impressive, but I mean I've been working on something with the trampoline in my pool at home that's got three ... somersaults in it." Shelley: "Instead of one?" That's a whole two somersaults stronger! Due to WWE-style camera work, we do not see the flipping move. But, rest assured, it's incredible.

Commercials. Wimmins and transvestites alike enjoy Mike's Hard Lemonade. Oh, also ape-men.

Next week, Robby Booed begins interviewing people. Oh, to find a manager, I mean. He's not the new Borash, though that could be amusing.

Main event time. Here comes I thought "The Kids of America" was a song about buffets. His opponent is I should have destroyed the old ECW belts with explosive langauge bleeps.

Oh, just make out already. Double-clubberin'. Joe is first with the knees. More punches, Rhino knocked backwards, hits the ropes and comes back with a clothesline that knocks Joe back, who hits the ropes and comes back with a kick that knocks Rhino back, who hits the ropes with a clothesline that takes Joe down. Rhino poses as Joe gets up to enzughiri him as he turns around. Sleepytime, however, The lion doesn't sleep tonight on the Serengeti. He's out with a chair, presumably to sit in it. More punches and chops exchanged. Time to go to a break to let Monty clear the bats out of the cave.

We're back, and Rhino has Joe in a headlock. Joe fights his way up, pushes Rhino off into the ropes, then gets him with a reverse atomic drop. Then off the ropes and delivers the seated dropkick while Rhino's still reeling. Standing senton backsplash. Joe gets a 2 count. Rhino back up, he reverses a whip, Joe ducks a clothesline and Rhino ends up bumping the ref. Both guys do a good "oops" pause before Rhino charges again, meeting a powerslam from Joe. Joe tries to check on the ref, since he was gonna get the 3 count off the powerslam since he's Davey Boy frickin' Smith, and gets hit with a spinebuster when he turns back around to Rhino. Rhino goes to the corner to signal for the GOAR, but Monty gets off his ass and trips Rhino up. Pulling him out of the ring, Rhino and Monty brawl. Here comes Joe, and he's not moving kinda slow (at the Junction).

Joe looks to keep on Monty, but Rhino hits him from behind. Joe and Rhino start brawling up the ramp. Rhino with a belly2belly on the ramp, ow. Rhino ... just leaves. It would have been a kind of fun twist if it ended there, but he's back with a table. That's OK too. Joe gets back up to fight, but Rhino wasn't ready to he chucks Joe into the STEEL side of the crotch tunnel to keep him quiet for a while. Ref is still out, probably. Rhino: "STAY DOWN, *BLEEP*." I can only assume he said "cakes." Rhino sets up the table vertically against the crotch tunnel itself, then leans Joe against it. Rhino back to try a goar again, but Monty is back to strike down Rhino. Monty charges up as if to POOOOUUUUNNNCCCEEEE Joe, but SHIT, that was a loud enzughiri. Monty stumbles comically as Joe stands again, and he's got the top half of the Kokina klutch on. They're both still in front of the table, so you know what's happening next ... GORE! They now make a sexy man-pile in the crotch tunnel.

"That was awesome" chant. True, thus far it has been the best match I've ever seen that involved Rhino. Tenay: "It's been an unbelieveable iMPACT! We'll see you next week!" WHAT?! I think they were still having a match.

Final thoughts: You know, TNA, you've made great strides in the past year, but you really need to learn how to conclude shows. They need an ending. Take it from me, the expert booker who puts together like eighty bajillion wrestling shows a day.