I'm about to punch the new face of my upstairs neighbors in. I'm just kidding, their face isn't new. However, I still don't like the smell on their face, guys.

So everybody has been decided for King of the Mountain, except for tonight's match between Some are envious of my non-dick jacket and In my production of "west Side Story," all the dancers are gonna SNAAAP!!. Here's a video package to illustrate that point. Sting, in a new interview, says "With the biiig, biiig biceps" like he's selling Steiner's sexayness. Steiner "walks this Earth every day, pissed off." That's good exercise.

And that match is starting off the show. Jeremy ....... Borash says "the winner will advance ... to the ... King of the Mountain match." Y'know, that thing with the ... yeah. Steiner's from Detroit? Is friggin' everybody from Detroit? This has the feel of a heavyweight prizefight because showing guys backstage before they enter the ring = prizefight. Tenay reminds me us that Sting was going to remove Jarrett from TNA because Jarrett is a cancer. Hey, Dubba J and I have the same sign! I must therefore also be compatible with all the sexy wimmins of TNA, regardless of whether they forgot about the Internet!

Circling and posing. Lockup, Sting pushed to the corner. Sting looks for a clean break, but Steiner throws in a knee. Steiner with chops, but Sting comes back with punches and kicks. A shoulder sends Steiner down, who then asks for a time-out. Sting sends him to the outside. Drapes Steiner over the security fence, then once he gets up Sting hits him with a chair. No DQ, I guess. Hebner l@@ks at Sting, but does nothing. Steiner's head bounced off the announce table. Sting drops Steiner's throat across the security fence. Meanwhile My stable's name is an abbreviation for lacrosse exists. Back in the ring now. Just because I feel like I shortchanged everyone on screen captures last week, here's Sting being hit in the nuts.

Commercials. Q technologies UNLESH THE HORSES.

We're back to a "you suck" chant for Steiner as he delivers a clothesline to Sting. Muscle-kissing elbow drop gets one before he starts doing Flinstones Push-Ups. A taste right out of his-to-ree! A suplex for 2. Now Steiner's got Sting in the crippled-genitals crossface!

Don West is pimping the new Samoa Joe DVD. "It's in stores now. It's unstoppable." You can't stop it from being in stores. Sting lifts his way out of it before Steiner gives him another suplex. Setting up Sting on top, looking for the superplex, but Sting punches and bites Steiner until he falls off. Sting with a clothesline off the top. Sting starts blocking punches and counterpunching. Sending Steiner into the ropes, clothesline. And another. Dropkick. Scoop slam (IT'S OVER!) followed up by ... the Vaderbomb?

That gets 2. Reverse atomic drop by Sting. Stinger splash hits Earl Hebner, who was there even before Sting started running in. Gail Kim comes in for the mounted sleeper, but Sting throws her off. By not mentioning butt sex. Here's Jarrett to deliver a stroke. Hebner's still out, but here comes Referee bicycle shorts to make the count. It's still only 2. That or Slick just wanted to give everyone the devil sign.

Steiner goes for a vertical suplex. He holds on, swings his hips and ... is going for the three amigos?? No, Sting reverses the second one into a slop drop. 1, 2, Slick is dragged to the outside by Jarrett. Sting goes to Slick's aid, but Jarrett grabs him and holds him for a shot by Steiner. MISCOMMUNICATION! Rollup and Hebner counts, 1, 2, Jarrett breaks it up. Hebner calls for the bell. Double-outer-space-whip by Jarrett and Steiner, but they both get clotheslined by Sting on the rebound. Steiner is disqualified, so Sting advances to King of the Mountain. Steiner and Jarrett resum their attack on Sting, so out comes The truth is, I just don't matter any more to Sting's aid. Here comes The Abyss from which no light (or talent) can escape just for fun, letting the heels regain the momentum until Willing to die for this snowcone comes out, a man who is willing to die for trivial stuff. Christian is THE NEW WINNER OF THIS MATCH. Be that as it may, Steiner won't leave, he says, and the show must stop.

Useless is here to tell us You can't stop my DVD is next and will therefore be in the same general area as Steiner.

Commercials. Fuck off, sublymonal advertising. Is that for 7-Up or for Sprite, anyway? I need to know which soda that I don't drink deserves my boycott.

We're back, and here comes The jobber best known for eating the D'Amorealizer, Chasyn Rance. Steiner: "Unless you wanna get killed, I wouldn't step in this ring!" Well, he WAS gonna have a match with Joe, after all. And speak of the baby-eating devil (actually, the real devil probably eats babies, so maybe that's not a good identifier), here's Joe. Steiner: "Don't you eyeball me, booooy!" And don't eyeball Jamie Noble, while you're at it. Pieface for Joe. But it wasn't delicious baby pie. Joe goes back to l@@king at Steiner, and gets another pieface. Uh-oh, the Angle's-strap-like towel is off! The two punch-a-bunch until security shows up. Steiner is declared THE NEW WINNER OF THIS EYEBALLING!!

Time for Papparazzi Productions' presentation of Tripod, nearly as bad as GeoCities and Sorry, this mediocre x 3 big man is no Strong and Aries. Last week, Sabin fell right into their trap. They have a new handy-dandy chart:

Apparently, half of last quarter's earnings were from "GAME PLAN SABIN." This week they'll scout a Sabin match, and by next week's show Nash expects Shelly to have been able to develop a clone of Sabin. Perhaps the Macho Man would be kind enough to allow Shelly to use his genetic laboratory. Next week, Nash will face some X-Division guy in a "'size matters' on a pole" match. What does TNA like so much about guys going after letters or words suspended above the ring? Shelly likes the cut of Nash's job. I mean jib. I didn't mean that as a joke, but it was too good of an honest typo to fix. Maybe after that they danced to Donkey-Tonk music.

Here's a whore to tell us about the Deadly Boys taking a trip home. Me: "To Deadlyville?" No. To "the bingo hall." Guys, please stop referring to ECW if you can't refer to ECW.

Commercials. "Hitman: Blood Money." A killer is you!

The new guy is here tonight. OK.

Sprinklin' for the U S of A is out, and it's been a while. Here comes K-Dawg's in a dress, all day, every day Dynasty Warriors G household thing, so it probably wasn't worth using, but what the heck. He's out on commentary. I don't know who Sonjay's facing, but the guy has a big "630" on his panties. I can't tell much about the match, as we're actually focusing the camera on K-DAWG TALKING. Oh, OK, as soon as I complain enough, I'm told it's Jerelle Clark. Konnan says the X Division is a ripoff of lucha libre and that "this octagon ring" is a ripoff of Triple A in Mexico. EIGHT SIDES HOW MEXICAN. Konnan calls Sonjay a "modern-day Uncle Tom" as Uncle Tom slides out of the way of the, I'm guessing, 630 splash. I'm guessing because there's NO COMMENTARY ON THE MATCH. There's the 3 count. Sonjay Dutt won. From what I saw, it was a pretty good match. I kinda wish they'd gone forward with this angle during a Naturals vs. Harris Twins match or something, though. Oo! Oo! Or during Abyss/Rhino match No. 8,534,372.

Backstage, Tenay is SHOCKED to discover @1x and |\| @ 5 |-| are here. Umm, didn't they mention that earlier in their video?

Commercials. Ron Killings, quit trying to get me to stop smoking.

Here's the Deadlies in Philly. They say the fans at the iMPACT! Zone are cool like the ECW fans were. They also tell us our hair smells good. Then they alter the final Deadly demandment so it's legal for them to say.

Rockin' "O Canada" can only mean ... well, scratch that; it often means good things. Poor Coach, since giving his dick robe to Bobby Roode he has nothing to wear but garbage bags.

He attempts to eat a Twinkee or some such, but Bobby Roodely slaps it away. I'd give up all these screen captures for a good sound file of Scott D'Amore saying "I NEED SUUUGAAAARRR!!" in the whiniest voice imaginable. That moment alone made this episode of iMPACT! for me, though I'll still be ticked if there's no Scott D'Amore wrestling on free TV. Anyhow, it's gonna be Showtime, Roode and A-1 vs. I can detect Team Canada's power level even without a scouter and Oh I didn't know ... these guys were going to be coming out when I said the show was good earlier. The James Gang say some crap to begin with, but meh. A-1 starts off kicking and stomping on Jesse. Jesse gets up and starts his retardo-punch sequence, today's variation being that the last shot goes to Bobby Roode, who tried to interfere. A-1's clothesline ducked, big doot by Jesse. Off the rope, shaky knee drop. A-1 pushes away and makes the tag to Roode, so Jesse tags in Kip. Circling, Roode backed into a corner, but gets a shot in while the ref tries for the clean break. Headlock by Roode turned into a Gaylandian whip by Kip. Roode takes him down with a shoulder. Into the ropes again, Kip ducks under and this time he delivers the shoulderblock. Up again, a slightly longer whooptie-doo session ends with Roode taking a dropkick from Kip. A-1 in to interfere, but Kip outpowers him with an armdrag/hiptoss thingy. Big press slam for Eric Young. Sabin tagged in. I guess Young was tagged in, as Sabin's going after him. Eye gouge by Young. Haha, Nash and @1x are on a cherrypicker to observe the match from above. Armdrags-a-plenty ends when Sabin goes for a swinging neck scissors on Young. Sabin notices the cherrypicker. DISTRACTION! Young waffles him from behind. Roode tagged in as we go to ...

Commercials. Haha, I guess this is a commercial about the World Cup, as it's Bono and U2 stuff, but the part I did hear was him talking about everyone calling in sick to work while "Beautiful Day" played in the background. Triple H will return from his cold in just a few weeks, folks!

We're back, and A-1 has the upper hand on Sabin. Shoulders in the corner. The ref goes over to listen to Jesse gripe, so A-1 and Eric Young make a switch while only making a tagging noise and not actually tagging, despite there being no reason they couldn't just tag. Bless you, HEEL tag team tactics. Back elbow off the ropes by Young, a pin attempt gets 2. Headlock applied by Young, but Sabin pushes his way over to the tag with Jesse, but Roode ran out first to distract the ref, haha. More fake-tagging for no reason makes Roode the legal man. Roode chokes Sabin on the ropes, then D'Amore goes in to spit some sugar-free spittle.

Scoop and a slam (IT'S AND AN OVER!) by Roode, who then nails a kneedrop off the second buckle. Cover gets 2. Canadian ninja chokeout. Sabin starts elbowing out, but Roode slams his head down to the mat. Tag to A-1. Sends Sabin into the corner, then follows after him with a clothesline. 2 count. Lifts up Sabin for a backbreaker, but steps back to let Young tag. Finishes the backbreaker, then Young hits the Macho Elbow. Pin attempt is broken up by Kip. Young makes a tag noise, letting Roode get back in the match. Choke by Roode. Roode lifts Sabin up, punchs him, and Sabin counterpunches. Another punch-counterpunch. Let's make it three before Sabin tries to get fahhred up. But Roode pokes him in the eyes. Tag to Young, who puts Sabin in the corner for punches. Whip across, Young follows, but Sabin gets the back kick in time. Running enzughiri causes Young to shadow-box for a while before tagging to A-1. Sabin also tags, and FINALLY! MR. CLASS VS. MR. ASS! Actually, that's a God-awful matchup on paper, but it's fun to say. Actually, Mr. Ass is actually more of a fart afire, cleaning out Young and alternating offense between Roode and A-1. A-1 finally manages to catch Kip from behind (after all, that's from where the best surprises always sneak up), but Jesse sort of rolls A-1 to the outside without doing much offense to him. Sabin runs into the ring and dives between the ropes outside to Young. Roode whipped into the corner by Kip, but he gets out of the way of the Stinger splash. Roode catches him with BAM! The Maple Cutter. Roode gets tossed the hockey stick, but here comes BOAR BOAR BOAR (hey, as far as I can remember I have't used that one yet personally) to take out Roode. A-1's back in to get hit with the fame-asser, and we're done. Oh, wait, I guess not, as Kip tags Sabin in for a top rope legdrop. Sabin isn't Saiyan, he's Saiycool.

Here's Christy to do a split on the ring apron and probably announce the new face of TNA. No, actually, she can't even do that, instead she gives an envelope to Don West to open. And he can't even announce the new face of TNA, he just tells us that Joe vs. Steiner is on for Slammiversary. Good hustle, announce table, high-five.

Mike Tenay is way too excited about this. You'd think gas prices were down to a nickel a gallon or something.

Final Thoughts: I NEED SUUUUUGAAAAARRR!!