Hey, we're starting things without satellites this week as All hail King of the Mountain (repeated 5000 times) is out to harass Tenay. He demands that Tenay tell him whether he's wrestling tonight and if so, who. What, is he supposed to be able to divine this by masturbating onto lucha masks? Only one person wants to know worse than Jarrett does, and that's Hook up your batteries to my chain mail. Nice of Steiner to care about his boss more than his boss does himself. They claim that Don West oughtta know. "I'm getting beaten up! WOWWWW!" Steiner: "Zybisco, unless you want a show tonight, you'd better tell me what's going on." So ... if we don't tell you, we get a show? Here comes The Sting of the Ring to clear out Jarrett. He starts brawling with Steiner on the inside, and as Jarret stumbles away he runs into What about me? Wasn't I in this tournament? They make their way back to the ring, with Jarrett getting almost immedeately knocked out again. Gee, Dubba J, aren't you glad you made the trip? Sting knocks Steiner to the outside with a big clothesline. And ... they end the segment without any staredown between Raven and Sting. BEST FRIENDS 4-EVA!!

Haha, the Slammiversary graphic for the tournament features the losers shrinking all tiny like they touched poison mushrooms. Or maybe just Jason's wristbands. And here's the opening theme. I know there've been requests (or request) for this fan sign, so here goes:

Hooray, we're starting with Topatoco! They are without Bun in the oven but are with Bum in the adult movies. They'll be facing Well, at least they probably won't have singles matches this week, then. Storm and Stevens lock up. Stevens sent into the rope, shoulderblocks Cowboy-crotch. Stevens tags, the Naturals double-whip Storm into the corner, and Douglas catches Storm's head and drives it into Stevens' knee. Harris tries to come in, but gets a double-slapjack and rolls out of the ring.

Commercials. OK, Bono, I get it, the reason the world hates the U.S. is because we call it soccer. Man, Robo Sapien is an asshole.

We're back, and Douglas has the upper hand on Storm until Harris catches him with a clothesline from the apron. Tenay takes time to tell us about the Spanish announce team's "furthering their political agenda." Man, those raspberries in the Senate be talking about fortifying our borders, be we be talking about for-life! Harris now boot choking Douglas. Tag to Storm, who goes for a well-aimed punch to Douglas' ribs. Don West is back on the mic, and tells us about how he had to change his pants. Lovely. Storm lifts Douglas up in crucifix powerbomb position, then does an airplane spin and drops him backward. Douglas grabs the ropes on the pin attempt. Into the ropes, both men go for shoulders, and it's naptime. Stevens gets the tag and hits Storm before he can tag, but that doesn't stop Harris from coming out and getting punched too. Storm in the corner, Stevens moves out of the way quickly so that Harris clotheslines his own partner. Stevens sends Harris into the ropes, Douglas hits him with a knee. Stevens does ... something to Storm, and Douglas gives him a neckbreaker. Gail's on the apron with the nightstick. The ref sees her and stops her, then Hay guys I just realized "Brokeback Mountain" was about faggets grabs her off the apron and pushes her down. Every time a weapon is used, an angel gets its wings is here toss the weapon over to Stevens. Stevens is all "YOU HATH OFFENDED ME, SIRRAH!" and tosses it away, just barely over Daniels' head. He turns around in time to get a clothesline from Storm. 1, 2, 3. I miss the presence of limousines is out for his requisite appearance on the entrance ramp, but when AMW break out the handcuffs its too much excitement for him to bear. He's pulling a Don West and going backstage to change his pants.

Backstage, BORE-ASS HAHA SURELY THAT IS THE FIRST TIME THAT HAS BEEN USED is backstage with Bananaman. Borash asks about what Shelly has been doing. Shelly: "Now you've hooked up your wagon to Kevin Nash? *whiny noise*" Heh. Points for that, but negative points using the word "disrespected." Y'all be disrespectin' me. Not as Big Sexy as Scott D'Amore says he's going to make Shelly a star, and claims that he's a tripod. Get your shitty Web hosting through Kevin Nash!

Christy Hemme tells us stuff. Maybe she tells you, I sure wasn't listening. Anyhow, this commercial break has ads for two different online poker sites.

Tenay is mad about Nash and gas prices. "He's gonna get Shelly quote-unquote over!" And that was a shoot, ladies and gentlemen. Anyhow, Shelly's got a match with The something less than mysterious JL. Test of strength, Shelly rolls backward once both wrists are on the ground, lets go and stomps Lethal's hands. Lethal reverses a whip, @1x blocks a hiptoss and slams Lethal's head to the mat. Lethal kips up and starts punching. Shelly whipped into the ropes, eats a dropkick. Back suplex, pin gets two. Lethal goes for THE MASTERLOCK!!, but Shelly manages to get into arm wringery instead. Continuing to work on the arm, including pulling the fingers backward, which always looks painful even if it isn't nessecarily. Suplex pin gets 2. Tenay says Shelly "Sold his soul to the Devil, Kevin Nash." You know, nonbelievers will burn for all time with me, Big Sexy. Hey, Nash isn't even holding Shelly's camera! Single-arm DDT, shades of Single-Arm Anderson. Shelly goes for double knees in the corner on Lethal, then shows us where the steeple is. Charging in again, but this time Lethal gets the elbow up. Up top, spinning kick by Lethal. Shelly reverses a whip, Lethal takes it and goes for a head scissor flip. Clotheslines by Lethal. High armdrag followed by a kick to the face. Lethal grabs the kick attempt by Shelly and ducks the enzughiri. Lethal to the ropes, but hit with the kick and the enzughiri this time. Shelly screams for Nash, who gets on the apron, looking toward the crowd and conspicuously leaving his elbow out. Shelly whips Lethal toward it, but Lethal reverses and Shelly takes the hit. Rollup, 1, 2, 3. Nash in to clothesline Lethal as soon as he gets up. Oh no, now Shelly's got Lethal in the Code Red! If Shelly were Sgt. Craig "Pit Bull" Pittman, Lethal'd be DEAD by now.

Here comes The Nimbus got me here as fast as it could to make the save. Tenay is as shocked as I am when he says "Sabin's got a mic?!" Sabin: "Come on, Nash! Come on, man up! Man up, dog! What's up?" You must have him confused with the animals that play his Jingle Bells theme music. Sabin asks for a match at Slammiversary, where he promises to show that size doesn't matter. The announcers keep calling Sabin's middle-school playground barbs "stiff." Nash responds be doing his impersonation of Scott Hall.

I eat babyfaces for breakfast, and then have the rest of their bodies for lunch is here to explain what he done. He talks about how it was the main event with the "big boys." I guess he was the only non-WCW alum there. He had Sting's back from bell to bell, and didn't care about Sting to help him after the match. Watch out, Joe, you'll depress Sting and make him even gothier! He says that Scott Steiner should just do something if he wants a fight. "But maybe, maybe the time clock is ticking against you." I like to read the time clock with my vision eyes and interpret the information with my thought brain.

Commercials. "Girls Gone Wild" has a Web site where you can order their stuff? I would think access to the Internet would pretty much eliminate any need to purchase that.

Borash is with Team Dee Dee plus one. Buh Buh makes a joke about how their impersonation bit was funny eight years ago, to contrast his team and its massive growth and development over that time. Actually, he blames his massive growth on a thyroid condition. It was OK to make fun of the Deadlies, but he crossed the line when he "buried the bingo hall." That took a lot of dirt. Buh Buh claims that his mother and D-Von's mother are different people. Nuh-uhh!

Daniels and Styles are in Larry Z's office. Daniels suggests that when you whittle away Gail Kim (his words, not mine), that the best team in TNA is the hoodie patrol. Styles says they have a way of "neutralizing" Gail Kim. A mutant whore antidote?

REEURR REEURR Jarrett's out to earn his spot! Raven's music then plays, and for a minute I think we're going to see the generic form Double J match where he starts by attacking his opponent on his way to the ring. Instead, he goes wandering around (YOU LOOK LOST, BOOOOY) until he spots him at the top of the seats. Raven starts doing the cymbal-playing monkey act.

Jarrett eventually gets one of the trash can lids and hits back at Raven, leading him back to the ring. A few stomps, then Jarrett goes back outside. Raven in pursuit, but he gets a chair thrown in his face as he starts through the ropes. Back inside, Jarrett throws Raven to the ropes, Raven ducks a clothesline and then goes for punches. Jarrett rolls outside, Raven follows and goes for the deadly back rake. Raven tosses Jarret over the guardrail and they brawl in the crowd. Jarrett set up on a table by the entrance ramp, Raven climbs to the top of the ramp.Jarrett rolls out of the way as Raven goes through the table, and that means it's time for commercials. CAN YA MOVE YOUR TOES, RAVEN?

Commercials. I forget.

We're back to see Jarrett waffling Raven with a chair. Another shot to the back. They're out by the abandoned consession stand, where Jarrett goes for the DEADLY RELISH SHOT. Jarrett with another chair to the gut, then he sets it up in front of Raven. He gets a running start for an elbow off the chair ... misses. Raven goes to ... I guess smash his butt into Jarrett, but ends up missing without Jarrett even moving. Raven suplexes his through a table. Wandering farther off, Jarrett gets whipped into a security fence, but gets out of the way before Raven can hit him with a chair. Another swing and a miss. No strike three, though, as the third chairshot against the fence rings true. Now they're back at the other end of the crotch tunnel, walking back in toward the ring. Raven with a hiptoss onto the ramp. Jarrett rolls all the way down to the ring mats. JEFF JARRETT IS ROLLING! Raven rolls Jarrett back in the ring (see? Still rolling!), then goes back out for a chair. A chair to the gut for Jarrett, then a clothesline. High knee by Raven. Sets up for the Raven effect on the chair, but Jarrett tries to make it a stroke, but that doesn't work either. Jarrett sent to a corner, and pulls the ref in to take a bump as Raven charges. Jarrett out of the corner, pushes Raven in, the ref gets bumped again. Raven with the back elbow, then he collapses on top of Jarrett. Naptime for everyone but Gail, who's got the guitar. She slides it in to Jeff, who goes for it as Raven goes for the chair. Raven ... sets the chair up? Umm, OK. He grabs Jarrett in a sleeper as Jarrett waves the guitar around. Jarrett drops the guitar, pushes Raven off to the ropes, applies the sleeper himself, Raven sends Jarrett to the ropes and drop toeholds Jarrett on the chair. Ahhh, makes sense now. Raven goes for the chair ... and there'Zybisco to take the guitar from Raven. DISTRACTION! Aftter Raven punches Zybisco, Jarrett uppernutters him. Now Jarrett going for the guitar and Zybisco stopping him, too. I bet if mean owls tried to use the chair there'd be no stopping them. Raven goes for the rollup effect ... 2 count. Jarrett up to argue with Larry, Raven's got the guitar, and he swings at Jarrett but gets Zybisco. Can't imagine he's too upset about it, at least ubtil he's hit with the stroke. That does it.

Final Thoughts: Sorry, not much of a screen-capture haul this week.