Bloggery: We're running late. Sorry, it happens when I go home on the weekend, when I would usually do the thing. The part about it being unfunny just occurs natually either way.

TNA is the new face of professional wrestling. IT WAS MY FACE, HOLMES!!

We begin with Saily Pretty Chaingang Soldier Shenshi in a four-way X-Division dance. Heh, he's got a tattoo that says "TO REACT" on his arm. I hope he has another one that says "TO ACQUIRE." He'll start off against If I'd been Finlay's midget he would have been using a Letal weapon. Go-behind by Senshi, twisted into an armbar by Lethal, Shenshi rolle over, balances on his head and kicks Lethal to get out. Armdrag by Lethal with a dropkick following in one fluid motion. Way to not be wasteful. Low Ki gets slapped on the back by Just L@@K at me Who now wants the fourth man tagged in, Ready to form a tag team with John Tenta. Y'know, 'cause @1x Shelly and Shark Boy have a long-standin rivalry. Don West calls Shelly a "different bird." Shelly into the ropes, delivers a shoulderblock and an okie-blow to Sharky. Shelly charging again, Shark Boy hops over, Shelly runs back and takes a deep (sea) armdrag. Tenay tells us this match is sponsered by "X3," coming to theatres almost a week ago. Sorry, guys, if you waited for my rebeak you missed opening night. Bub.

Shark Boy tried a pin for two after he gets a neckbreaker. Chop in the ropes, Shelly reverses Shark Boy's whip and boy howdy, does he ever Papa Shango.

Shark Boy counters by dropping Shelly's jaw into his knee. Shelly backs into a corner, Shark Boy climbs up to do a countalong punch, but Shelly slides out and dropkicks Shark Boy's leg, making him crotch himself on the buckle. Senshi tags Shelly out, because Sailor says you should always repay kindnesses. es. es. Chop on Shark Boy. "LOW-KI" chant. Low-Ki tries a whip, Shark Boy stops himself and bites the top of Senshi's bald head. Shark Boy, bald heads are similarly round, I know, but the lack of two distinct cheeks is how you can tell you're not really ass-biting. Sharky into the ropes, takes a spinning kick from Senshi. He then feints a kick to the face of Shark Boy, causing him to cringe, giving Senshi a clear shot at the back on his head. Pinfall attempt broken up by both Shelly and Lethal. Senshi picks Shelly as his target for vengeance. Big chop by Senshi, but Shelly hits back with a knee. Chop by Shelly so hard that he check to see that his han is still working, haha. Shenshi into the ropes, springboards himself off the second ropes and hit Shelly with an enzughiri. Damn. Lethal now up top as Shelly starts to R@@L (or R@LL, I guess) out of the ring, dropkick on Senshi. Lethal with a vertical suplex. Goes up top again, but Shely on the apron is there to smack him. He climbs up next to Lethal and starts biting his head. @1x, what did I JUST get done telling Shark Boy? Don West thiks that Shelly doing a head bite is sickening. Who does he think he is? Senshi up to the buckle as well, And here's Shark Boy for a retarded inverted cheerleader pyramid superplex. "TNA" and "That was awesome" chants as we take a moment to look at Please, please continue to refuse to work, Konnan and his crew at the Spanish announce table. Shark Boy attempting a deep sea drop on Lethal, but Shelly catches Shark Boy and kinda lets him lie there in ass crasher position until Lethal dropkicks Sharky's face. Lethal punches @1x in the face, which turns Shelly around to face the charging, shrieking seated dropkick of Senshi. That knocks Shelly into Lethal into the turnbuckles. Shelly rolls out, Senshi spikes Lethal down in the middle of the ring. Up top ... Senshi does a fucking double-stomp off the top on his lying-down opponent. Shouldn't Lethal's chest have collapsed? 1, 2, 3. Haha, from this photo it almost looks like he's balancing on top of the ref's head.

And here's Mediocre cubed to mess with Lethal's corpse. Shelly goes for tha camera. I don't even know what kind of accent/impersonation Nash is trying to do when he says "I bet you know something, don't you son? Size matters." Ah well, hit the dogs playing "Jingle Bells."

Jeremy Borash stands backstage with dudes that may be in qualifying matches later. Also, HOOO!!! proves her worth by pointnig out that WHOOO! may be around. That's Christy and Sting.

Commercials. Bono tells us about soccer and world peace and crap.

We're back, and HMM YES if I think back far enough I remember us existing are out for a tag match. They'll be facing The blind leading the blind.

Seriously, can either of them see out? We go back to Sacrifice when nightsticks fell from the heavens. Back to the here and now and the hoodie patrol is already taking it to the diamonds of doom. Young eats a dropkick from Daniels. Tag to AJ, who drops a knee of Young off of Daniels' scoop slam. Young gains an advantage with a quick throat chop. AJ wanders back into a kick from Skipper on the apron, which ges him wandering back into a pendulum slam from Young. Young then goes over to forearm Daniels for good measure. Young crotches AJ on the rope, Skipper walks the ropes to go over and 'rana him. Two count. Skipper tags back to Young,but AJ starts firing back at both of them. They whip AJ into the ropes, AJ hops off and goes for a double version of his silly flipping off the ropes to land in inverted DDT position spot. The Fallen Angel tagged in and he's a church afire. Once AJ recovers, he uses the prone body of Young to springboard his way out of the ring on Skipper. Angel's wings, but the ref is out of the ring to prevent Teaching the princess to read from attacking. But it's too late -- BEER MIST! That blinds or something, right? All I know is that Nidia went blind from mist before, and I'm pretty sure she's had beer spat in her face as well. Nightstick shot on the inside by Don't spell it Topatoe on Daniels. He rolls Young on top of Daniels, who then gets the 3. Simon Diamond and the guys appear to have a dry-humping orgy on the spot to celebrate.

Borash is backstage with Sting. Sting was born ready. He doesnt want to see TNA go. Don't go, TNA. You'll break Sting's heart if you don't stay the night.

Commercials. Quaker State motor oil apparently uses Q technology. So, y'know, it lubricates things at Farpoint Station, I guess.

Tenay and West talk about stuff until we hear the music of Team Daa Daa Daa for B-Jizzle in a fat suit and Kip James in backface. Jessie actually does a decent job of mizing up the ass-kissing "Don't get me wrong, everybody here is great" thing with a actual promo, and Kip James, of course, is a natural at yelling out a four-word catchphrase at odd intervals and doing nothing else. A few fat jokes are thrown out, as is the pad Jessie was using to make himself look fat. "Now let's get rid of the flannel since it went out with Paul Bunyan, and neither one of you are his ass!" What? Jessie accepts a match with 3-D at Slammiversary, and I guess Kip has a new tiny catch phrase: "So nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!" What?! Will he say anything as a catchphrase? Next week: "Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear!"

Commercials. Indeed.

We're back, and Borash is with Rey Mysterio is apparently not very good at us. Jarrett tells us we can't go home again, and Scott Steiner tells us that "Nobody eyeballs the Big Bad Booty Daddy." He means it as a warning to Joe, but I find it amusing that he feels so repulsive that he wants nobody to look at him. Sort of a reverse Con Man.

Dick robe=newfound overness is out with The Coach, baby boy. So tell me, is this guy Roode's looking at the infamous "Dancin' White Boy?"

His opponent is Quit eyeballin' me, Franchise.Really? Another singles match for a member of the Naturals? Roode gets Andy Douglas in a headlock, then a armbar. Shoving match puts Roode in the corner, Douglas goes to punch but the ref stops him, kick by Roode. Douglas reverses a whip to the buckle by Roode, then hits a back body drop. Douglas gets some clotheslines going. They chase one another around the ring, with Roode getting back in first, then missing the elbow when Douglas slides back in. Roode with a whip to the ropes and a Papa Shango, loud kick by Douglas. Douglas back into the ropes but Roode recovers and nails a shoulderblock. Chop by Roode, who sends Douglas into the opposite corner. Corner stomping and foot chokes by Roode. Pinfall gets 2. Chinlock time. Canadian ninjas are the second-strongest ninjas. Douglas gets out, they trade punches. Douglas eventually gets a knee in, and goes for a few clotheslines. Running neckbreaker gets 2. Roode into the corner, but gets out of the way before Douglas charges in. Northern Lariat. Oh, that does it. I took a break from rebeaking just before this match ended, sure, but that still feels like it came out of nowhere. Roode chucks Douglas to the outside so Scott D'Amore can get in a shot. BTW, D'Amore was on the apron earlier and distracted Douglas, but it didn't really seem to have an effect on the match so I didn't mention it. Anyhow, now D'Amore gets Roode a chair and here's Chase Stevens to break things up. Don't worry,the rest of Team Rocket Canada are here to uneven the score. Haha, Eric Young's spazzing out. OK, worry again, because Rhino and the Naturals are Best Friends 4-EVA!! is out to club-a-dub a few guys, then A-1 gets the gore as Roode dodges its path. Rhino announces that his match at Slammiversary is a handicap match of him "versus Bobby Roode, and any member of Team Canada I choose!" So, basically, you get to choose both guys. Rhino: "Who do you want?!" Crowd: "*Silence*"

Rhino: "Bobby Roode, it's me, verse you (Second verse, same as the first?!), verse Coach D'Amore!!" Oh PLEASE oh please let this mean another Coach D'Amore jobber squash tuneup match. Naturally, this distresses the coach just a little.

Also, there's I own an adult bookstore franchise standing around at the other ramp for no reason. OoOoOoOoOoo.

Borash is with The Truth hurts (TO WATCH OH HO HO). He sings some lyrics of his rap. Also, Christy tells me that this will all be over soon.

Commercals. These commercials are boring, so I'll go back to an earlier one where they call a car wax treatment "The ultimate tools for the ultimate shine." Say, did you come here in the ultimate box?

The guys will be joined on commentary by Kissyfingers (and by "fingers" I mean "the fans' asses") Our first actual participant is I'm glad to see your roll has slowed to a stationary point at the commentary table. His opponent will be I knew there was a reason I got an interview before the start of this match! Haha, Monty just waffles him as Truth's still breakdancing around like a dink. Truth pummeled in the corner, then sent to the opposite side. Monty follows him in with a clothesline. Monty starts saying "Truth" in the rings as fans chant it as well, trying to get a little Minoru heat. "Ret's go Arex!" This allows Truth to get to the top rope and dropkick Monty. Monty reverses a whip to the ropes, Goes for a hiptoss, but that's reversed by Truth. Headscissor takedown by Truth. He charges at Monty on the ropes, but Monty back bodydrops him to the apron, then clubs him down to the outside. Monty commands people to spread out on the outside as we go to ...

Commercials. More from Bono. He tells us "As everyone knows, a country united makes for better cheerleaders than a country divided." Don't tale this the wrong way, but what would you know about a country united, my fellow paddy?

They're still fighting on the outside, though apparently Truth got back inside long enough to dive back to the outside onto Monty. But now Monty's back on the clubbering offense. Truth fires back with a punch. Two! Three! He's breakdancing before the fourth, and get kicked in the gut. Nice. Back in the ring, Truth in the ropes, ducks several clotheslines before going for his spinning flying burrito. Monty reverses a whip to the corner, Truth floats over, ssplits underneath a clothesline and hits the leg lariat. Inverted side Russian leg sweep by Truth gets 2. Small package by Truth gets 2. Brown picks up Truth in fallaway slam position, but turns him around and powerbombs him. Brown then says something ... Albert bomb? Algebra? I dunno. The guys on commentary don't pick up on it anyway, so I'll assume that powerbomb from a fallaway slam position is called the Algebra. Anyhow, the Algebra only gets 2. A few clubs on Truth, then the actual fallaway slam. Chops Truth over to the corner, whips his, Monty going for the pounce but Truth grabs the ropes. Monty walks over and gets rolled up for three. Wow, really? Maybe he'll get to take on Elix Skipper and Simon Diamond, or one of the members of the Naturals and the Franchise.

Final thoughts: Who cares? There's already a new one waiting for me to do.