Author's note: I swear I wrote this before reading Jason's version. Which sucks, as most of the jokes I really liked in this one are also in a slightly different (pog) form on his beak.
The new face of professional wrestling should wear a little less makeup. It comes off as trampy.
Speaking of trampy, here's You can't handle my sass exchanging finger-snaps with You can handle my ass. Apparently Jackie's a mess (dead brother-in-law and all) and Busta Rhymes thinks Gail needs to get her all in check (Woo-ha). That's actually Chris Harris, by the way.
We get a package (mercifully not a Total Package) about the fussin' and a-feudin' between Causing you to make goofy faces is how I roll and my stomach is a black hole for Grand Slam breakfasts. In Canada, there is no Mr. Yuk sticker for poisonous home chemicals, so Christian has to fill in.
Oh, it's just a wrapdown of all the big feuds. Scott Steiner believes that if he doesn't convince 20 other people to wear chain mail on their heads, he'll have bad luck for seven years. Steiner: "Sting can get anybody he wants!" Sexay Sexay Sting.
I guess by all the big feuds I meant both of them. Here's the intro music. No "ADRENALINE RUSH" this time. Fan sign:
I'm a little confused. Are they suggesting that Samoa Joe is Grimace?
Wow, our opening match is Hay guys we should work together to enforce mandatory hood-wearing vs. America's Most Fly-Honey Havin'. The match starts out with heel jumpery. Storm's starting out against Styles with a little corner stomping as Harris forearms Daniels off the apron. AMW double-whips Styles into the ropes, Styles ducks under and Daniels hits AMW with a double clothesline off the top once they turn around. Faces start punching away and AMW go out for a break. So do we.
Commercials. Yeah.
We're back, and Styles dropkicks Storm. Styles drags Storm to the corner and tags Daniels. Corner stomping. Daniels whips Storm to the corner, Storm reverses, Daniels stops himself, ducks a clothesline and gives Storm an inverted Carlito back-cracker. So, I guess a gut-cracker. Pinfall gets 2. Harris in to interfere after Storm kicks out for some reason. He drags Storm to their corner while AJ says "Hay" to the ref and makes the tag. Harris with the delayed vertical on Daniels. Tag to Harris, and there it is, *THE BEVERLYIZER*.
Storm with corner chops and punches. Tag. Double-whip into the ropes, Daniels ducks under Storm's leg but eats an inverted atomic drop from Harris. Storm with a side Tennesseean leg sweep. Harris covers, but Styles breaks it up (while Storm casually wanders off). Wow, Harris with even more crotch-based offense.
Rubbin' the word "Wildcat" all over Daniels' back. Tag to Storm, stomp. Storm goes for that fingers-in-the-mouth enforced-smile hold that's one of the five moves Raven uses anymore. Daniels fights back up, hits the ropes, ducks a few clotheslines and eventually wraps himself around a knee to the midsection. Two count. Tag, and Storm holds Daniels up for Harris to double axehandle from the second rope. Mounted punches. Another inverted atomic drop. Off the ropes for a clothesline, but Daniels blocks the arm and fires back. Naptime, Storm tagged in first but here comes Styles, and he's a church afire!! Wait, that's not a good thing. Storm eventually catches him with a punch and whips him to a corner. He comes charging in after Styles, but Styles elbows and goes up for a missed backflip. Storm goes for the Sheriff Ponykick, but Styles ducks and lifts him for a torture rack. He swings him down into pin position, but Harris pulls the ref out of the ring. We cut back to Styles still pinning Storm just in time to miss Jackie trying to do something to or for the referee. Whatever it was, it angered Harris, as he's distracted by dragging Jackie away so Daniels can hit the tope dive. Gail's up on the top turnbuckle to fling herself crotch-first at Styles (figuring he's not a fagget, I guess), but is grabbed and put in the Styles Clash position. While holding Gail, Styles gets Ponykicked, Gail lifts herself back up and goes for the Rey Misterio hurricanrana. The ref is back in, 1, 2, 3.
Commercials for things. Like the "Eyes Scream Man." Stop him when he's passin' by.
Previews. For both Sacrifice and the arrival of that new guy, Sailor Pretty Soldier Senshi. Hi, JG!!
We're looking at the World X Cup rankings and I'm hearing Rockin' "O Canada." This will rule, whatever it is. Oh, it's Johnny The Vine and "I'm your hookup for scrambled soft porn" Eric Young. 'Cause he's Showtime, see. The pyro so upsets Young that he KICKS at it. That'll learn it. You're gonna be in for a SHOCK, because their opponents are THE SHOCK ... ER and delicious magnos and honeydews.
Shocker and Young start, with Young wanting a time-out. Here comes I once generated a fine film by not bathing for a week to make things that much cooler. Young takes a Kanadian Karate stance, then leaps out of the ring, tagging Devine on the way. Shocker apparently also tagged Magno at the same time. Devine gets Magno in an armbar, but Magno manages to snapmares out. Devine into the ropes, armdrag by Magno. Devine tries for a punch, Magno grabs the fist, chops back, hops on the ropes old-skule-style, then leaps off and ends up kinda armdragging Devine halfway across the ring. He keeps putting one finger in the air like he's testing the wind. We're indoors, man. Big creamy loogie/piece of gum from Devine goes flying at Magno. Devine ducks the enraged clothesline, then punches him into the corner where Young can hold him. Over to taunt Shocker so Team Canada can team up on Magno while the ref talks Shocker out of interfering. Young now in, gives Magno a standing Starman chop. How come Canadians do the move we think of as the finisher of the ficticious Mexican superstar(man)? Hmm. Anyhow, the pin attempt only gets 2. Young gets Magno back to the corner, Devine tags in and stomps. He doesn't tag back out, though. Snap suplex gets a 2 count on Magno. Devine tries to lift Magno, but Magno slips out and dropkicks Devine in the back. Devine lands in 619 position, but Magno tags. Oh, Shocker does the 619, but Devine's ducked free by then. Powerslam by Shocker, who then hops over Devine and somersaults onto him for a 2 count. Devine in the corner, and gets the boot up on Shocker as he charges in. Shocker sits on the top buckle after Devine whips him in, kicks Devine when he gets close, then ranas him. Twisting elbow drop, the pinfall is broken up by Young. Magno fights off Young and gets him in the corner. Shocker whips Young over to Magno, set up in the opposite corner to deliver a dropkick that I feel like he wanted more height from. Ah well. Shocker tries to whip Devine, but Devine reverses and Magno stops Shocker's charge. Team Mexico do tandem dropkicks on Team Canada. They then both leap outside on Young and Devine. And what's Don West talking about during all this?? Chris Sabin. Shocker, by the way, fears technology such as cameras.
1000% LUDDITE. On the way back in, Shocker gets stomped by Devine. Pinfall gets 2. West mentions, as I forgot to, that Shelly will be facing Christian Cage later tonight. Devine whips Shocker to the ropes, Shocker reverses and Devine ends up hitting Shelly, who was on the apron. In the confusion, Shocker goes for a small package and a win. Bigger and sexier than @1x's big interview blames Alex, and calls him a son of a bitch. OMG SWEARS
Mr. Probation is sounding like Mr. Puberty as he croaks out an announcement at the announcer's table. He thinks probation is like high school. I don't think you get probation unless you plot to bomb the high school or something. Ask Alex, I guess. AMW and the Hoodie Patrol will have a rematch at Sacrifice, but this time with no wimmins at the ring. Haha, Larry's voice completely goes away as he screeches in terror at the arrival of What about Bob? They run off in comic fashion.
Commercials come and me wan' go home.
More recapping of the fake game show deal from last week.
REEURR REEURR It's the Space Police Cops. They're out to meet Give Jason your coat. This week, "Instead of two choices, there's only one choice." Umm ... by definition, that's not a choice. Scott grabs Jarrett by the collar and threateningly says "I SAID TAKE THE DEAL!" But Jarrett knows the only way to calm him is with some sweet, sweet makeout action.
Jarrett asks what the crowd thinks. Crowd: "Yaaay!" Jarrett: "Do you think I'm that stupid?" Crowd: "YAAAY!!" Oh, crowd, you are collectively a caution. "No thanks [so polite!!], I'll push to next week, Stinger, 'cause you ain't got no more fossils to dig up!" Next week Sting will make the choice himself, but it can't be whoever this is, because this person is null and void. Impotence. "He is an All-American wrestler!" Anybody J.R. has ever talked about? "He is a top-selling real estate agent ..." Haha, Luther Reigns? Oh, wait, he's for some real estate agency in Georgia. He says another thing and calls it a shoot STOP FUCKING DOING THAT. OK, what?
I thought The nightmare you can't wake up from and his brother Scott had patched up any old differences in their pursuit of the WFP tag titles! Rick: "*Barking* You want some? Come get some! You don't like me? Bite--" and Sting pulls the mic away, haha. Up next, Shelly vs. Christian.
Commercials. Buy heavy objects to drag behind you car or something.
Don't worry, there are more preview video packages. Final Resolution happened, so watch that.
Wow, Christian looks a lot like You know! I guess this is the interview thing. Nash talks about how he hasn't been called by TNA. Just Shelly, I guess. Nash has made a chart of profits using a whiteboard showing how much came in when Hogan was on top, then Hart, then himself as Diesel. Apparently his tracking stats show time periods between each guy where the WWF made zero profit. Diesel earned the WWF well over $100 million, Nash says. Shelly: A huge spike! AHEM, A HUGE RUNT, if you plz. Nash then says "Now I'm not gonna toot my own horn" and immedeately says a lot of good things about himself OH HO HO. shelly calls him a pure champion, with which Nash agrees. Shelly: "A lot like the X Division!" Nash: "Yeah, whatever." He calls the X Division filler, which fills Tenay with hilarious rage and Don West with unusual smells, apparently.
Don West derides the visual aid, "posterboard and marker, it's something any 3-year-old child could put together." With their iPod. Ah, here we go.
Here is the steeple vs. Church references should be for Christians. After the introductions, Alex extends the hand of "I hope you forgot how I taped you being drowned." Slap by Christian, takedown and some punching in the corner. Chops in the corner on Shelly. Punches in the other corner, also on Shelly. Shelly into the corner, he stops himself and attempts to float over Christian, who didn't follow him in. Christian goes for a back suplex, but Shelly lands on his feet. Clothesline by Christian. A couple of kicks, then hotshots Shelly on the ropes. Both men on the apron, Christian drops down to the outside, giving Shelly an inverted DDT on the apron as he goes. Christian sends Shelly into the security fence, then goes for a rolling office chair from the announce table. He sits Shelly down in the chair. Oh pleeeaase please tell me they're gonna do chair races. Nope, Christian grabs Shelly's camera and a headset and tells us he's filming his own documentary, "Boot to the Skull." A good movie, but I'm waiting for the sequel, "Boot to the 8-Ball." Christian also calls our commercial sign. That's (Part 2 of) kinda cute.
Commercials. I don't even think they have Jack-in-the-Box restaurants in Virginia.
We're back in the ring, and Shelly's getting Canadian whipped into the ropes. He ducks a clothesline and gets hit with a cross-body. Pinfall gets 2. Shelly sent to the ropes again, Christian Papa Shangos an Shelly kicks him for SHELLY'S FIRST OFFENSIVE MOVE OF THE MATCH. He poses like mad, runs for the ropes and then goes for that leg scissor into a bulldog that always gets you flapjacked. And Christian flapjacks him. Two count.
Christian chops Shelly, then whips him again. Shelly reverses the whip and pokes Christian's eyes. Shit, he side Michigan legsweeps Christian's face into the middle turnbuckle. Backing away, he then dropkicks Christian's hinder, driving Christian's face against the buckle again. To the outside of the ring, that's how Christian rolls. Shelly topes after him. Stomps and punches by Shelly as Christian makes his way back to the ring. Shelly snapmares Christian, then chokes him with a piece of wire or something he got while on the outside, I guess. I missed where he picked that up. Spin kick by Shelly. Pinfall nets 2. Christian goes for chops, but Shelly responds with a kneebutt. Shelly tries to suplex Christian to the outside, but Christian lands of the apron and drops the back of Shelly's neck against the ropes. Shelly recovers and walks over to the ropes just in time to get a shoulder from Christian. Christian goes up top for a cross body block, and the resulting pin nets a two count. Christian starts in with punches and elbows. Christian: "Come on you son of a bitch!" What is it about Shelly that inspires people to say that about his parentage?
Sit-out powerbomb gets Christian a 2 count. Discus punch by Christian. He turns around, giving Shelly a chance to go for the screeching kick. Shelly with a sitting dropkick to the head. Christian into the corner, Shelly eats elbow, Christian going up to the middle rope, and goes for a spinning uppercut. SHORYUKEN! Two count only. Christian going for an inverted DDT, but Shelly spins out and kicks Christian in the gut. He goes for the letterbomb, but Christian doesn't go along and whips Shelly into the opposite buckle. Unprettier. Fin.
Christian has a mic. "Abyss, you run pretty fast for a monster." Gamera was fast enough to travel between planets. Or I guess they were calling them stars for some reason. "You're only 10 days away from full metal mayhem and you're 10 days away from getting your ass kicked and I'm 10 days away from getting back my NWA world heavyweight championship belt." Man, way to run-on sentence up in this hizzy, Xtian. Christian hasn't even put down the mic yet before Tenay starts talking about Jeff Jarrett and Sting's partner.
Meanwhille, I do not like the unprettier, Sam I am and Mitchell! are standing around somewhere. Mitchell laughs. Abyss doesn't.
Final Thoughts: So ... hard ... to ... think ...