WWA: The Inception

Ok, so I was looking for something to do since Price is Right had already ended. Flipping through the channels I find that the WWA (World Wrestling All-Stars) paper view was playing all day. So I decided to check it out and rebeak it for everybody dumb enough to read my crap. From what I've heard the WWA is pretty much like if the nWo B-Team decided to branch out and form their own promotion. Then they decided to hold it in Austrailia, Austrlila, AW HELL. THE PLACE THAT NICOLE KIDMAN IS FROM. Ozzy! Ozzy! Ozzy! OyOyOy!

Actually, I still have a few minutes to burn before the match so I'll create some filler here. Remember that one time that Thunder! (and I suppose Nitro too) was in that country? That was some great shit. I think it was the only time I ever recapped Thunder, and sadly I lost my copy of it. Anyway, they had this Austrailian wrestler guy who was like eight feet tall and did the Ozzy thing. They kept saying he was going to be the next best thing and he's the nex Ken Shamrock. He may have even picked a fight with The Wall or something. The funny part is that we never heard of him again when WCW came back. LOL! FUCK YOU FORGEINIERS!

The other funny thing about that show was that Ernest Miller was making the matchups at the time and told Mike Sanders that he was fighting "Showtime." Mike Sanders gets the same damn blank look I have and asks who it is. Cat says "It's not HBO BITCH! It's Sting!!" Funny on too many levels, plus it's the only good thing he's ever said or done. Except for the red shoes and James Brown muzac.

Road Dogg, Buff Bagwell, Jerry Lawler in the opening video. Lord I am in for some pain. Very light smatter of fireworks goes off and Bret "The Hitman" Hart comes out. Apparently, he's the commish. Jeremy Borash and King are the announcers.

Bret is in the ring now. He promises some fun for everybody. He sucks up to the Aussie crowd. Next he goes on bitching about WCW and how he was fired. Then he talks about how he was stuck in the country after 9-11. Dear Lord Bret sure rambles on different topics. Some guy in the front row has a what sign. Great. Back to Bret, he's now talking about how he was the champion of the WWF. He talks about being the champion of WCW. Then he start name-dropping. Austin, Rock, Benoit, Goldberg. None of them ever beat him. Half of those are wrong. He finally leaves.

The announcers hype up the matches tonight. By the way, if you complain about Michael Cole...get a tape of this and listen to Jeremy.

The Macarena starts up for Juvy Guerrera. For some reason, he's wearing a mask tonight. This is a ladder match for the Icee Crusierweight Title. Juice just de-masked. "FINALLY DA JOOCE HAS COME BAK TO AUSTRALIA!" The Juice asks all the fans to chant his name. THe crowd doesn't make a peep. Roofles. His opponent, Psychosis, doesn't have his mask anymore either. That was my favorite thing about him. Psy gets a spinning DDT from Juvi. Thrown to the outside, Juvi gets a ladder and throws it into Psy. The Juice keep having to adjust his tights/pants. Juvi once again shocks the end of the ladder into Psy. Now it's a springboard to Psy. The crowd boos Juice. He sets the ladder in the corner, horizontal-style. Juvi ends up falling into the ladder when Psy moves out of the way. Psychosis hangs Juvi on the ropes and jumps off the ladder, legdropping him. Psy points at the top. Slow climbing on the ladder gives Juice times to spingboard off the top rope, dropkicking the ladder. It, and Psy, falls over. Now it's Juvi's turn to climb. He gets off to bring another ladder in the ring. Jerry Lawler confirms that he know what one plus one is. Psy is up by this time to throw that second ladder on Juvi. A ladder in the corner and Psy tries to whip him into it, but it's reversed and Psychosis eats ladder. Juvi on the other ladder, and he flies off the top. While they are down, the ladder falls on both of them. Both men up and on the ladder under the belt now. Near the top, Juvi pulls out a powerbomb and calls for the 450. He hits it. Juice climbs the ladder. He grabs it and win the title. PLAY THAT MACARENA! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY MACARENA!

In between matchs some randow chicks comes out to dance. The King goes overboard, as usual, sdeclairing that there's a party in his mouth or some other shit.

Backstage, a white limo has pulled up. It's NATHAN JONES!!! THE RANDOM AUSSIE GUY!!! OH MY GAWD! They run into Lenny and Lodi.

Also, backstage Disco is complaining about needing some suits.

Now it's time for a Dog Collar match. First out is Konan. Yes, that's one N. YOYOYO LEMMY SPEAK ON THIS!!! BOWDY BOWDY! ROWDY ROWDY! I haven't missed him at all. Speaking of which, Road Dog is the opponent. Yes that's one G. Road Dog does the same DAMN SCHTICK he did in the WWF for years. Before he can get it all out, Konan jumps him from behind. Konan points out that the other three members of DX still have a job, so he's guess that the WWF had two words for him. Konan rules. YES, I CHANGED MY MIND. Anyway, so they are connected by a dog collar, like that match with Road Dogg and Chyna. Right away, Konan dogs his rolling clothesline. Apparently, THIS match is like a strap match. He goes for four coner, but Dog cuts him off. Dog goes for four corners but Konan goes low. He tries once again, and is hit with a chain. Konan bust out a crowbar or something and hit him with it. Quick dropkick and Konan goes to the top with his "forgein object" Dog kicks it into his face and then hogties Konan with the chain. He goes to all four corners. Even though he had ditched the collar, Dog wins anyway. He leaves to the "Outlaws ripoff" muzac.

The next match is a hardcore rules match, and we goes right into it. Devon Storm is the first half. He comes out to some satanic muzac that I don't know. Just pretend it's "Never Gonna Stop." "Screamin" Norman Smiley is the opponent. He's wearing some local basketball jersey. Y'Know, he looks like Kobe Bryant. Borash promises that we'll get to see a bracket soon. THX JEREMY, BUT THE FIRST ROUND IS NEARLY OVER-AH!! Match starts and Crowbar has a trash can lid on his head, the hard way. Norman throws a couple of trash cans into the ring. Storm hangmans Smiley on the rope and then he jumps on SMiley with his knees and then a moonsault. ALl on a chair. He grabs a kendo sticks, but Smiley backdrops him. Devon is up and sticks him a couple times. Smiley answers with a mean chair in the face. NOR-MAN! GET THE TABLE! He sets it up on the outside and gets back in the ring for TEH BIG WIGGLEY! He then is suplexed after his attempt is blocked. Now Devon is in control, with a dropkick through a can and Smiley. Smiley set up on the table. Storm planchs over the top and through the table. Crowbar is busted open now. Smiley fights back with a can. He puts it on Crowbar and whacks away with the chair. THey are fighting up the ramp now. ANOTHER BIG WIGGLEY! Crowbar with a savate kick at the top of the stage. Smiley hits him with a singapore cane a couple times. Moving backstage, Crowbar is put into the trash and dumped into Disqo, who is on the phone. Back in the arena, they battle near the barriers. Another cane shot on Norman. Smiley is screaming his head off. Poor Norman. Maybe he needs a cup-cake. Devon busts out another table. Smiley is set up on the table, which is also on another table. Devon climbs the scaffold, a la Shane McMahon. THEN HE JUMPS OFF! THROUGH A CAN AND TWO TABLES! THAT WAS AWESOME~! Smiley rolls over somehow and gets a three count. Bleech, I hate that decision, but the match was pretty fucking awesome despite my crappy retelling.

Backstage, Disqo is given the BANANAS IN PAJAMAS!! THe guy thought he said Fruits, not suits! THis is the best PPV evar!

Also backstage, Stevie Ray is an announcer sucka! He's talking to Bret Hart about the battle royal. Anybody who works for the WWA is invited to wrestle. Stevie Ray is now inspired. BOO-YA!! It's over like rover! YAK ATTACK!!

The battle royal has started now. Buff Bagwell, WCW killah is the first man out. Disqo Inferno is the next man out. He still seems upset about the fruits. He gets started on Buff right away. Stevie Ray is out next. Buff pounds Disqo in the corner, but Ray breaks it up. Double clothesline. Norman Smiley and Crowbar limp into the match. Typical Royal Rumble stuff here. The King gets inspired to enter the match, and he drags Jeremy Borash with him. No announcers now. It's bliss. Buff with the 10-count onCrowbar in the corner. Now the two refs decide to rush the ring. As does the comeraman. Storm is eliminated, so he goes over and announces. So lady runs into the ring. She attack King. Apparently Borash is out because he's announcing. King rolls around with the chick for a while. Buff attacks King. THe ref are thrown over the top. Disqo, King, Smiley, and Buff form a union against Stevie Ray. THey all get ready to go, but leave Disqo in the dust and run. The union forms again, but Smiley is tricked this time. Stevie beats up Smiley. THE BANANAS COME DOWN! Stevie Ray is out. KING DOES TEH BIG WIGGLEY!! Low blow from Smiley. King is out. Buff sneaks up and knocks out Smiley. Buff with a double arm DDT on Disqo. Disqo with the swinging neckbreaker and the VILLAGE PEOPLES ELBOW!! THE BANANAS IN PAJAMAS run in an eliminate Disqo. Then Bagwell knocks them out and Buff wins! Right after the match, King leaves to go get the story on the "Fruits."

Backstage, the Aussies (Wrestler and manager) talk about Jeff Jarrett and how he's going to lose. Apparently, the manager is on some talk show in that country.

"NOT Kid Rock" brings out Jeff Jarrett. This match is a "guitar on a pole" match. He's still wearing his "Slap-nuts" tee shirt. Can he do that? I mean it has the WCW logo and everything on it. Jarrett gets on the mic and talks about how he has the stroke in the WWA. HE SAID SLAPASS! Nathan Jones' nickname is "The Front Row." They say he's seven foot, and that he's a former WWF developmental guy. Geez, he must've really sucked if Vince "I *heart* big men" McMahon passed on him. The talk-show manager, who is smaller than Michael Cole, rags on "Jeffery" for a while. About he says Jeffery about 50 times.

The match finally starts. They circles each other for a few minutes. Jarret with some punches and a whip. It's reversed. Jones does a quasi-tilt-a-whirl-slam. Jarret goes for the eyes and chocks Jones on the second rope. Jarret witht he double axe, but it's blocked. Jones goes for a chokeslam, but it's blocked. Jones with a Cactus clothesline over the top rope. He punches him around on the outside for a while. Nathan throws Jarret into the ring. Jones to the top rope. KANE CLOTHESLINE! He points at the guitar and goes towards the corner it's in. Jarrett gets a low blow. Jeff does grab the guitar. The talk show guy gets in the ring and gets the EL KABONG. Jarrett finishes off Jones with the Stroke. WOW JONES SURE IMPRESSED ME!!! Nathan carries the talk show guy away to cheers.

King is back out now. He's still trying to figure out what's going on about the Banana in Pajamas. He calls them out. They get no muzac, sadly. I turn on an mp3 instead. The banana laugh at Lawler. In the middle of this Lenny and Lodi come out! Signs include "Lodi Rulz" and "We Hate Austraila." King calls him Lo-Die. Retard. Lawler says we now have four fruits in the ring. Lodi talks about how the fans came to see them. Bret Hart is now out. He asks the Bananas to leave. Then he says Road Dog will fight Lenny and "Loni." The match starts and there's various gay manauvers from the team. Road Dog fights back with the left left, dance, left. The Hollywood Blonds bust out a 3-D. Lodi goes for the count by Lenny breaks it up. Lodi shoves Dog into Lenny's crouch. Lenny ends up dropkicking Lodi. Dog with a right to Lenny, but Lodi stops Dog. Lenny goes for the cover, but he and Lodi end up fighting over the pin. Eventually they end up fighting. Lodi with a cradle on Lenny for two. Lenny gets a moonsault, but Dog ends up pinning both of them after that move. He will move onto the finals of the tourney. Inside the ring, they give each other a hug and "the bump."

Backstage, Stevie Ray interviews Buff. He puts his hat on so he doesn't look like a frooty booty. He then asks Buff what the stips for his match are CUZ SUCKAS GOTS TO KNOW! It turns out to be the "Not Nitro Girls" with cat-onine-tails in a lumberjack. The girls surround Buff while he enters. Buff gets on the mic and talks about how there's only one slapnut, and it's Jarrett. I guess Buff is a face, at least by default. The match starts and after a few moves, Jarret accidently rolls outside. He is instantly whipped. Clothesline by Jarrett. Jarrett being chased on the outside again. Buff just throws him out again. Jeff is getting pissed off after that last whipping. Couple of kness to the midsection and Buff is thrown to the outside. Instead of whipping Buff, they help him and give him back rubs. Buff tries to climbs back in and he throws Jarrett out again. Buff gets the whip himself this time and whips Jarrett. The girls are bored, so they go after the ref for fun. Buff nails the BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO! But no ref, so one of the chick counts. THe ref says eh-eh. While Buff stands around bitching, Jarret lands the Stroke, and gets the three.

Backstage, some interview lady talks to Luna. Luna spits a lot and I can't understand a word she says. Dear lord she is ugly though.

Oh, I see. It's a black wedding match. THe "Vampire Warrior" comes out. I'll just call him Gangrel if you don't mind. He spits the "mysterious red liquid." Luna is the opponent, naturally. So the thing here is that there's a lot of gifts at ringside. Luna slaps Gangrel one. He wants to punch her back, BUT HE'S A GENTLEMAN VAMPIRE!! Luna goes for a powerbomb, and Gangrel reverses it. Then he does an atomic drop. Luna goes for a gift. It's kitchen utensils. TONGS TO TEH GROIN!! There's cookie sheet shot on by Luna. Luna then spits. THis pisses him off and he does the Impailer DDT. At least that's what I think it's called. Give me a break, I haven't seen him win a match in years.

We are getting ready for the main-event match. The not Nirto girls are out again to kill time. They dance to a rave version of Charlie's Angels. Disqo comes out to break up the par-tee. He gets into the cage which had been set up. Disqo bitches about the Bananas screwing him over. The fans call him a wanker. He calls out the fruits. Here they come. The fruit ends up whipping Disqo into the cage. Banana One slams Disqo's head intot he cage and they are all in the ring now. They do the Buff Bagwell poses. Disqo climbs the cage. Banana One follows him up. Disqo tosses him off, through a table. Not quite Mick FOley. Still enough to get a holy shit chant from the crowd. Two stands around One looking after him. Disqo starts singing "That's the Way (I Like It.)" and finally leaves.

Beat Hart comes out to commentate for our final match. Next out is Road Dog and his ripoff muzac and illegal copyrighted sayings. Jeff Jarret finally comes out. Jarret gets to stompin. Right Right Right from Jarrett. Dog answers with a clothesline. LeftleftleftDanceLeft from the Dog. It only get two. Jarrett is whips a few times but throws Dog into the steel mesh cage. Then he does it again. JARRETT DOES THE STRUT! FEEL THE MOVESET! They climb to the top of the cage. They climb out and Road Dog uses a bell. He gets on the table and taunts for a while. Jarrett blade (0.7 Muta) here. Dog throws Jarrett into the barracade. Back in the ring, Jarrett gets a sleeper hold on. Dog falls to the ground. Arm falls once, twice, but stays up on the third. After fighting back, Dog eats a back body drop. Both men are down after that match. Jarrett puts an arm over but only gets two. After a few whips, Dog kicks Jarrett in the face. Ref takes a fall here. Jarrett leaves the ring to get his guitar. EL KABONG to Road Dog. He points to Bret and puts Road Dog into the sharpshooter. Jarrett asks him to ring the bell. BUT SINCE HE ISN'T VINCE McMAHON, THE SPAWN OF SATAN, THE DEMON OF HELL, THE NO GOOD BASTARD, he doesn't ring the bell. "I want the champion to be crowned the right way." Dog gets a sharpshooter too. Same thing happens. Bret Hart tries to leave with the belt, but Jarrett gets the stroke on Dog and by all miracles, the ref is awake to count three. JARRETT is the NEW WWA World (scoff) Champion.

Afterwards, Bret Hart gets in Jeff's face. Jarrett take umbrage with this (big word!) Hart turns around and Jarrett looks like he's going for a belt shot on him, but Hart turns around. Jarrett says he's so solly, but Hart puts him in the sharpshooter and we are OUT!

Frankly, that wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Meowth, that's right!