Jakked Attack

Jakked Attack!

JOINED IN MOVEMENT.

Kevin Nash n Token White Guy announce OLD SCHOOL!

GAY vs BILLY KIDMAN'S NOT MY LOVAH!

So Kidman does a whip and follows it up with a move. A flip. That's a headlock, son. We obviously have lots of time to kill. The announcers don't give a fuck about whats going on in the ring, but then, nieghter does teh crowd. KICKOUT! HOHOHOHO!! The new guy always sweats around Kane. Who the hell is this guy. THis is my quest, as the match sucked hardcore. Jeff punches, or kicks, or sommin. JEFF DOES HIS GAY ILLIGAL NUT SHOT MOVE! Why isn't Kidman winning. All the smarks like me support KidMan!. Jeff to teh top. BLAH-BLAH BLOCKK. Kidman goes to the top, but Jeff never sells shit and does the fucking BLAH BLAH BOMB. THE GUY BLAH BLAH BOM. I meant gay back there, run with me on this one. Jeff ALWAYS wins!

- Who the hell is this another announcer? Why wasn't he on the top 500 so I could type his name?

- On UPN, you can't pick your friends, and you can't pick your notes. Actually, you CAN pick your friends. Pick the one where they go to the moon and never come back. I think it was episode 7g01.

- LAST MONDAY! OMININININIOUS MUZAC! Shane is looking at the defecation. Oh, and there's the McMahons hogging up two perfectly good minutes of my Jakked time. EGO TO THE XTREME. Oh, wait Angle is BAD now! BAD BAD ANGLE BROWN! BADDEST WRESTLER IN THE HOLE DAMN TOWN! After this muzac replay, they show ANOTHER REPLAY. Kurt answers some questions on Smackdown. He did not answer my question "How the hell do you go from the WWF champion to the WCW US champ in under a month?" Hell, Sean O'Haire showed more fucking progress. FUCK. I saw this show? Where are my jobbers already? I'll just have to make up matches like the rest of my co-writers do (here AND at teh Smarks.)

Ummmmmm...Kanyon vs Rhyno in a neck brace on a pole match.

What's this?!? It's LOD2000 muzac! Droz is the special guest referee!!!!11 DROZ JUST KO'D TOKEN WHITE GUY WITH this boxing glove that comes out of his wheelchair a la this smart guy from The Simpsons. Anyway, Kanyon goes for a sleeper lock on Rhyno's brok-en neck. PSYCHOLOGY!@ RHyno counters with a steel quarter (Missouri style) to the adam's apple. Punch, punch. RHyno tries to grab a chair, but while he swings Kanyon bend down to collect the quarter so he can buy lunch from D-Lo in teh back. Rhyno comes about as close as a Yankee (JR: THEY SAY YOU KNOW HOW TO SWING CHAIRS!! WELL, HOW DO YOU SWING A CHAIR WHEN YOU GOTS A BROKEN NECK!) All of a sudden EDDY(IE)~| runs out and drops both of their asses on the neck, and steals the neck brace off the pole, thus rendering him the weiner. Eddy puts on the brace and goes to join THE ALLIANCE!!! HOW NOW BROWN COW!!! In the end, Droz steals UTaker motorbike and rides off into the sunset. ***** My faith in the WWF is restored.

SNOW DAY 2! DON'T MISS IT!!! There's like three fucking commercials for it.

GENERAL RECTION comes out to...apathy. ALBERT JOINED THE ALLIANCE!! Oh wait, no he didn't. He's fighting him.They pace for about two minutes some the token white guy can hype up Edge on HEaT. TWG points out that Albert and Morris are FAT. Coach calls him GAY. Score one for the coach. OH YEAH! TEH MATCH!! Albert does the Ultimate pose down. MORRIS tries the GAY WHISPER IN TEH WIND BUT he's too damn fat. More random fat moves like the stinger splash. ALBERT W0N. I WOULD HAVE MORE MOVES IN THIS SECTION, but my dumbass roommate came over-ah and bitched about where his copy of NHL 2002 was. Dumbass.

SHREK, one of the top 500 wrestlers in the world made a wrestling movie. It's on sale now. I'd go blow this report off and get it, but my stupid roomate won't get off on this hockey thing. Keep in mind, this is the guy who wondering what inning the Cardinal football game was in last week.

Creed is singing. THis is my cue to get another drink.

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I wish this show was over. It's like all recaps, except for the matches which SUCK. Luckily, while I was out I got Paul Heyman's FAX, so I will have updates DIRECT FROM DAVE MET-ZLER and news that Smarks need for the rest of the episode.

FAX: Kurt Angle spits out Austin's beer because he likes the smooth taste of O'Douls. Unfortunately, Undertaker took offense to this. Effective immediatly, Kurt Angle will be known as Seynomore Angle. Good luck on all your future quests on Xcess. Love, Dave.

STARBURST SHOWS THE SAME FUCKING REPLAY I'vE SEEN ALL NIGHT. Maybe next week they should pick one clip and show it over and over for an hour. OH WAIT, THAT'S THIS WEEK. Wha? A match?

Justinvisible & Chavo does nothing. And the opponents are Crash and Spike. They make NO reference about the failed feud with each other that ruined Teh Dudley Boyz. Coach talks about the angle where Token White Guy is going to get fired tonight. Crash and Spike together weigh 550 pounds by my count, so they should have an advantage. THE ALL1ANCE dominates and my fingers hurt, so here's who wins...

FAX: Due to the fact that the Undertaker thought that he saw Crash Holly bleeding, Spike Dudley, Justin Visible, and Chavo Guerrero have all been assigned to OVW effective immediatley. Also, in other news, VInce McMahon will natually be in the main even on Monday. Love, Davy.

FAX: Due to the fact that he forgot to bring it up earlier, Crash Holly, Hardcore Holly, and Dr. James Andrews have all been sent to HWA. I know Les THACKER will do hes best to trian these up and comers. Yours Tru-y, David.

WELL, Billy Gunn is main eventing, so I'M NOT WATCHING. The ratings will have to fall to 0.2 and Nielsen will be sent to OVW. I don't fucking care anymore.

FAX: Super Shane Spear has been sent...to JAKKED HELL. I'm nekkid, Devo.