February 24th, 2002: Las Vegas.
Rebeaker: Hooker T. Monkey
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE ARE LIVE FROM THIS REALONE PLAYER WINDOW! And we are starting off with some fat guy with a lisp that's trying to look like Eric Bishoff. He tells us how we're going to see the best thing on Earth but that Randy Savage won't be here due to no fault of his own. I suppose those two things go hand in hand, but the Savage part doesn't prove the good part.
"As part of the company policy, expect the unexpected." Yeah.
Oh, and now we're treated to a concert in the ring by some Doors wanna-be band. Tea Party or that band that does Desire for the. . .Creed, or something. Blah. They don't seem to be doing anything for the crowd either. If there is a crowd.
Well, while this is going on I can talk about other news. In case you didn't read it because Super Shane Spear's a lazy bastard, Austin brought in a gun to WWFE programming last Smackdown. The WWF had claimed on wwfparents.com that guns would never be used. Of course, this gun just shot a net, not actual bullets (as I had hoped, since it was aimed at Nash), but it was a gun none the less. Expect all your favourite smarky writers to have columns up about now it's going to degenerate the WWF in the next couple of days or so - if they haven't all ready.
Finally, the song's over. Now here's clips of Bret, then Road Dogg. Hahaha. Now we've got Disco, and then Scott Steiner. These are obviously taken right from WCW TV, too. Now Grand Mastar and Jarrett. Here's the raw set with chicks dancing all over the stage. And a cheap WWA logo. AWW SHIT! THEY'RE PLAYING THE DAMN SONG AGAIN! I JUST MOTHERFUCKING SAW IT IN CONCERT!
Mark Madden's doing commentary!? YESSSSSSSSS! This commenter is weak though. Weak like these weak, weak pyros.
"Ladies and Gentleme, the following is a six man cruiserweight survival elimination match."
Oh shit, sweet. Low Ki is one of the competitors. So's AJ Styles. All right. AND Christopher Daniel's. I might actually like this match all of a sudden.
AJ Styles and Tony Maumaluke start it off. Madden seems like he's trying to be a serious commentator. Damn. Also damn, they're doing a bunch of holds reversals. Smarks would love this shit, but not me! I'd tell you someone took the advantage, but it's just them hitting whatever moves whenever they want.
And in comes Shark Boy! Madden: "I heard he bites people in the ass." I hate Shark Boy. And now Shark Boy bites Tony in the ass, then follows up with Goldust's new neckbreaker.
AND IN COMES LOW KI! HARD KICK TO SHARK BOY'S HEAD! I LOVE LOW KI! Blind tag to Christopher Daniels who nails a hard kick over the ropes to Low Ki. Low Ki rolls into a kick to Daniels then tags in Super Nova. Weak knee to the face by Nova. Low Ki's back in for a double "gordbuster (sic, Madden)" (fall forward suplex) to Daniels. Nova leaves and Low Ki hits a springboard kick to Daniels.
Shark Boy hits a nice move to both Tony and Low Ki. Tony's bleading. Madden: "How'd that happen?" Good question. Crowd's booing for some reason. Daniels flies up with a suicide tope to Tony on the outside.
Inside the ring, Nova and AJ are groping each other. That's not very Christianlike, AJ. Now Shark Boy hits a crappy, crappy Hurricane Lita on Tony. DIAMOND DUST! That's a smark move!
Finally, Low Ki eliminates Shark Boy. Thank you Low Ki. Now he stares everyone down like a monkey. Low Ki hits a kick to the knee on AJ. THAT'S ANOTHER SMARK MOVE! Tajiri kicks across AJ's body. Madden: "they took on each other's ribcages; a double slide bodypress." Yeah. Well, I see why the smarks hate Madden.
Speaking of Madden, who the hell is the fucking goober he's with? Oh yeah, Daniels hit that STF or whatever. Another smark move. Then Tony hits a top rope back body drop. Daniels kicks out. Madden: "What a great deal, only $19.95. I payed $600 at the chicken ranch last night." AJ Styles hits the Styles clash on Tony. That was wicked insane. Madden tells us that Nova's not a cartoon character any more. That makes both him and Shark Boy. I hope La Parka's not a cartoon character any more either. Madden: "What a match what a match, four men left in this six man (hangs)."
Low Ki hits a very, very sloppy Phoenix Splash on Daniels, who kicks out. Daniels sends Low Ki outside and hits a springboard moonsault on Low Ki. Madden: "what a move, what a move, what a move." Goober: "you said that like a hundred times." Thank you. AJ follows up with a shooting star to the outside. Daniels eliminates Low Ki with a run-up top rope Rock Bottom. Madden claims that the winner of this match could get TV exposure. Hahaha.
Goober: "Eurginagi kick" from Daniels. Madden (!) corrects him. Daniels hits his double jump moonsault on AJ Styles. Then a series of three man awesome moves. I want to see the Last Rites, God Damnit.
But I guess I'm not going to. AJ Styles eliminates Daniels with a wicked second rope Styles Clash. Goober: "Incredible move. We could have a pin here." Imagine that.
Stop making up names for the moves you don't know, Madden. Nova wins with what actually IS a gordbuster off the top rope. But everyone knew Nova would win it, because HE WAS IN ECW!
Oh, God. Now we show the commentators to give us their take on the match. Because, you know, we didn't get their take throughout the entire match all ready. The goober is called Jeremy Borash. JB for short, I say. What's Joey Styles doing these days?
Heh, I think JB is a little on the faggot persuasion. Fuckin' non-sequiters all throughout these guy's speeches. But Sabu's here to take on Crowbar. Madden claims Crowbar will be dabbling in "technical ecstasy."
I hope this doesn't mean Bret Hart's coming out. Eh, I think it does. Damn. Okay, maybe not. They're just playing some gay music instead. No, wait, here he is. Blah. I hope he doesn't start whining. Ugh, he's talking about himself. Don't be such a dick, Bret. Bret alludes to new guys breaking their necks or something.
"The Space Cowboy, Randy Savage is not going to be here." Space Cowboy? Jesus Christ. And now Brian Christopher will take on Jarrett. That match will suck. Crowd chants slut. Heh.
Now he's talking about the Sept. 11th attacks. "My mother's American, I've got an American passport." THAT MAKES YOU LEGIT, BRET! Plz go away, Bret. Now he pisses everyone off by mentioning how the Canadians smoked the Americans in the Olympic Hockey game. Now he's talking about Bin Laden. Jesus Christ. Just shut up and get back to wrestling.
Now, after reciting his crappy Calgary Sun articles, he's finally leaving.
Okay, a couple midgets were gonna waste each other, but some Hogan impersonator stopped him. Some stage hand walks through the door and ignores them. Stop the pain. The midgets go back to fighting each other.
Madden: "Wait, that sign's wrong. We're in Vegas, not Reno. OH! THAT GUY'S NAME IS RENO!" START SAYING MORE INSANE SHIT, MADDEN! I'M START NOT TO LIKE YOU!
And here comes the Hogan rip off who's called "The Funkster." This is just gimmicky. Whoa, Funk hit a nice full rotation german suplex on Reno. Ouch, and a face first bodyslam. Reno hits some old school rope rope move then a weak dropkick. They start selling the Roll of the Dice. THAT'S THE LAST RITES, YOU BASTARDS! I guess that's why Daniels never hit it.
There's a gordbuster by Reno. Madden, unfortunately, calls it a gutwrench suplex, which is also right, I guess. Reno and Funk hug each other until Reno overhead suplexes Funk. And we're going back to what Reno knows best: punches.
Funk hits a nice double jump sunset flip. He's pretty fucking agile for a man his size. Too bad he's gonna be buried by this horrible, horrible Hogan ripoff gimmick. Now he's "Funking it up." Which culminates with a sloppy clothesline to Reno. But Reno comes back with a T-Bone Suplex. AND A PUNCH!
Funking up again. Reno ducks the big boot and A PUNCH TO THE FACE TO COUNTER! Then he rolls the dice. Then he goes for that top rope move where the opponent sticks his foot up to counter. You know, the one that ISN'T ACTUALLY A MOVE!
I hope this means Funk will actually win it. BIG BOOT! Piledriver on Reno. BIG LEG DROP! That gets three. All right, Funk actually wins. TIME FOR SOME PERSONALITY AND MORE TRANSITION MOVES, RENO!
Madden: "Look at the man. I hope Russo doesn't come out and call the man a piece of garbage now." Heh.
Stagehand directs a small limo up. Three, four, five, six hot chicks get out, and then Steiner. Why isn't Steiner going up against Jarrett?
Now Disco is complaining about how he should get a shot against Jarrett. Yeah, that would somehow be even worse. Disco keeps picking on the announcers. Madden: "if we keep checking around maybe we can find a job you can do." Disco takes a while to kick in about how that was an insult.
We have a tag match, and here is the tag team "Native Blood." They look like they're wearing skunks on their head. And here comes Kronic! With a C! Madden alludes to how they were kicked out of the WWF after that PPV I missed. I guess everything impressive about them in WCW was just production value, because they're looking really stupid here.
They clobber the injuns. Brian Clark hits a really stupid rolling kick off the apron. Full Nelson slam to the fat injun. Ugh, somebody screeched into the mic or something. Anyway, the Full Nelson. . .fuck, that screech again. Is that what these injuns do? Screech again. Clark hits the Death Penalty. Double dropkick to Brian Adams, who has a gut forming. The fat one is the laziest guy I've ever seen, though. Well, next to Kronic, anyway. Still, though, these aboriginals have the possibility to be the next Public Enemy3.
Clark hits the Meltdown, but fatty saves with a poke to the head. HIGH TIDE to the in shape injun, giving the win to KroniC.
Oh, man. Profile shot of Adams shows that he has a MAD gut forming.
JB: "We have no idea what Bret Hart is cooking up backstage for us." Probably whining. Lots and lots of whining. Disco takes a shot at Madden's weight. Now a midget promo. Hahaha, this is actually pretty fucking awesome. He keeps talking about weeble wobbles and czars and stupid shit like that. Then abruptly ends. Oh, fuck. And here are three chicks that were too skanky to be in the Nitro Girls. Looks like two of the three got droped on the ugly try and hit every fucking branch on the way down, and then were stupid enough to climb back up. The blonde one's not that bad though.
Madden: "one of them just slapped the other on the ass." Hahaha, you just killed it, Madden.
They pump up the next PPV. "This will be the next chance for WWA to put on a good show." Hahahaha. JB doesn't know how not to make an idiot of himself, either.
Madden: "when you have that much power, and that much agility, that much experience, and that much speed - I mean for big guys they move pretty fast - you knew Kronic would break them down sooner or later, and break them down, the Native Blood, they did."
Now the midgets are fighting up on the stage. Crowd doesn't care AT ALL. JB: "when was the last time you saw midgets wrestling!?!" Madden: "yeah, kill him! Kill the little bastard!"
Hahahaha. Midget chairshots fucking rule. And now the midget goes to the top. Splash to the outside. Hahaha, they look like muppets.
Splash Midget puts the stairs back in their place. Heh. Then hits the other one with a leg drop onto the chair. Red Midget hits a powerslam. Jackhammer to Splash Midget. Disco and Madden keep patronizing the midgets. Hahahaha, Splash Midget tries to get the crowd riled up by slamming his hands on the mat, but it looks like a baby wiggling around. And now a horrible head scissors turned into a modified boston crab.
Ten punches on the ropes turned into a powerbomb. Fuck, midget wrestling rules so much. Ugh, they pipe the commentary to the audience, though. Which means that all Madden and Disco's crappy jokes the fans weakly laugh at.
Red Midget gets thrown head first into a garbage can. Now Splash Midget goes to the top. Fuck, shut up, Madden. Splash Midget misses a Swanton. Hahaha, Red Midget whips Splash Midget, but he just goes right through the ropes 'cause he couldn't reach the second rope.
Now Red Midget sets up the thumbtacks on the outside. OHHHHHHHHH! And he puts Splash Midget FACE DOWN with a TKO. And now out comes Steiner to beat up the midgets. He's got his old music, too. One of his skanks has some extra weight in the mid section. And he goes straight for the midgets. STEINER RECLINER! PLEASE!
Overhead suplex to Red Midget. Body press to the outside on Splash Midget. Now Steiner poses for the crowd. Madusa or someone that looks as ugly gets in the ring. And we've got a Steiner promo. He talks about how he should get a shot for the world title against Jarrett. I FUCKING AGREE!
Steiner starts picking on Disco. Disco tries to run, but some fan or something throws him back. And Steiner just begins to destroy Disco. Fuck, we're not even half done yet. The Paper View, that is. Steiner just suplexing Disco all over the place.
Eh. There's really not much to talk about here. Overhead suplex off the top. There's the recliner. I WANTED THAT ON A MIDGET, STEINER!
Steiner now motions for the whores to get into the ring. Not a single one of them looks like they've been clean from heroin for too long. And they don't do anything. Steiner just leaves. That was stupid. I want another six man cruiserweight with The Fallen Angel and Low Ki.
Well, at least up next is The Juice. He'll be taking on Eddie and Psychosis. The theme music for these guys is horrible. The announcer keeps saying "Ladies and Gentlemen." Madden makes fun of him. Finally the announcer follows up. Eh, I'm starting to get really fucking hungry. I'll pause it and rebeak the rest after a snack.
And after a little hot chocolate and toast, we're back! Eddie Gurrerro is making his slow, slow way to the ring. Eddie says "It's just like old WCW, buddies." Haha, no. He's going to win though.
Erm. Start doing something, guys. Please? Kay, Juice and Eddie finally grapple up. Chops all over. Nice cruiserweight reversals. I missed those. Top rope plancha by Psychosis! Psychosis hits a top rope heel kick on Eddie back in the ring. Then a facebuster.
Hahaha. Psychosis dives through the ropes when Eddie gets out of the way and hits the microphone or something. Juice with a frankenstiener on Eddie. Eddie starts taking it to Psychosis. JB claims Eddie is the top mat wrestler in the world today. Oh, shit. Eddie hits a brutal brainbuster on Psychosis. Madden calls it a suplex. STUPID, STUPID MADDEN!
Eddie's out of the ring to leave the smaller guys that won't win to battle it out. Maybe having a drinky, drinky? Ohhh, Juice hits a pumphandle facebuster to Psychosis.
JB claims that other promotions (read: the WWF) are afraid to show cruiserweight matches. Yeah, I doubt that. I wish they would, though. They've got both Kidman and. . .erm. They're keeping Kidman! Oh, and Shane Helms.
Juice with a forward dropkick off the top to Psychosis. You know, if the WWA keeps showing matches like this all the time, I might have to start paying for the rest of these.
The Mexicans are doing some stupid shit. Eddie gets double suplexed out of the ring to the floor, then Psychosis takes over on The Juice. Reverse powerbomb to face crusher spot against Psychosis.
Juice and Psycho go for a dropkick to Eddie from both side, but Eddie ducks down and the two crotch each other in mid air. Madden slurs something about chalupas.
Ohhh, baby! Juice hits a superplex on Eddie, then Psychosis follows up with a double leg drop to the back of both of their heads. The Juice does the reverse powerbomb/face crusher spot to both Eddie and Psychosis now. The Juice then reversed a tilt-a-whirl to a flying-swinging DDT on Psychosis, but gets thrown out by Eddie, I think.
Psychosis goes for a frankensteiner, but Eddie hangs on and hits a frog splash on Psychosis face down. Eddie gets the three count. What'd I tell you?
Eddie gets on the stick and riles up the fans. They keep chanting "What?" Jesus Christ. Eddie talks about how he's been doing too much drinky drinky. Then he gets interrupted by Jerry Lynn. Hahaha, I guess he got released. Unfortunately, that means Jerry Lynn will be on the stick here.
Lynn hears a lot of pissing and moaning. That's great. Lynn talks about how Eddie's been in all the major promotions for a long time. Then he talks about how Eddie's just working on the Gurrerro name. "Quit your moaning, beotch." Shut up, Lynn. Eddie cheapshots Lynn, then walks away. Lynn comes back and we have some brawling between the two. Hahaha, there's some super fat guy in all white in the crowd. I think he's on the Cannonball Run.
Lynn smokes Eddie with the Cruiserweight Belt, then hits his trademark crotchgrab piledriver.
Lynn takes off leaving Eddie in the ring. In any event, that was a nice fucking match.
OMG! LARRY ZYBISCO IS ENTERING THE ARENA! Who cares.
And now the three Red Light Nitro Girls are dancing around. Ugh. I wonder if I can get AIDS from just watching them. In any event, I'm fast forwarding.
And up next is the no DQ match between Devon Storm (Crowbar) and Sabu. Out first is Devon. He's not wearing torn jeans. JB talks about how he's shead the jeans, but then just stops.
OH SWEET! Sabu comes out with Fonzie. That kicks mad ass. Sabu's using the American flag as his headset. Yeah, right. Isn't he the Sheik's cousin or some shit? Hey, since I'm predicting the winners of these matches now. . .
Sabu dives towards Devon, but he dodges it. Sabu does it again and catchs Devon. Pretty stupid, Sabu. Erm, my computer's beeping. It stopped.
Devon with a nice looking vertical suplex on Sabu. Almost as good as Malenko's. Devon takes the advantage on Sabu. I'm sure Sabu's none to happy about that. It doesn't look like age is treating Sabu well.
Sabu hits a springboard mule kick off the second. JB calls it a leg drop. JB's pretty stupid. Sabu's not just all about leg drops. He's about moonsaults, too.
Devon hits a really sloppy looking suplex on Sabu, so Sabu enters the ring and vaults over the top rope to hit a splash. Sabu blades while he's FACE UP, because he's just that lazy. Devon enters the ring, so Sabu hits a springboard swanton, then locks in his camel clutch.
Oh, Devon hits a nice move from the corner on Sabu. Kinda a diamond dust turned into a hurricanerana. Then they go back to mat wrestling in the middle of the ring. Where the hell are my flaming tables and barbwire laced steel chairs? Fonzie keeps blowing his whistle, which is annoying the fuck out of me.
Devon hits a vault splash then a lionsault on Sabu, but Sabu kicks out at two. Sabu gets a flying kick, or something, on Devon. Fonzie sets up the table. Devon hotshots Sabu on the guardrail.
Devon front suplexes Sabu over the stairs. Madden: "this crowd can't believe what they're seeing." That why they're dead, Madden? Devon goes for a sunset powerbomb out of the match on Sabu, but totally undershoots the table. Now Sabu is going to show him how it's done, but Devon reverses it. These guys are killing each other.
Sabu hits his leg drop with Devon hanging from the second rope. SABU CHAIRSHOT! Sabu does his poetry in motion off the chair, and Devon falls chin first on to the chair. TRIPLE JUMP MOONSAULT! Devon kicks out at two.
Sabu goes for another triple jump moonsault, but Devon catches a leg and Sabu goes face first into the chair. Devon hits a DVD into the chair. Man, Shane was right. This is a fucking awesome Paper View.
Devon picks up both Sabu and the chair at the same time and bodyslams them. Nice. Chair's set up on Sabu's face. Devon flips over the top rope and hits a leg drop on Sabu. Devon has shown some real fucking improvement here. Sabu's bleeding twice as bad.
Suicide dropkick through the rope on Sabu, then launches over the top rope with a splash to the outside. Then a running splash off the apron. Madden calls it the Leap of Faith.
Devon sets Sabu up for reverse powerbomb, but turns it into a hotshot on the guardrail. Then does it again. Devon sends a second chair into the ring. Two chairs set up facing each other. Devon goes for a powerbomb twice, but Sabu reverses, then hits a suplex across the chairs. Follows that up with an Arabian Facebuster. Sabu goes up top and Devon hits a Sabu chairshot on Sabu, knocking him to the outside. Now the table is coming back into the match.
Fonzie drapes the chair across the guardrail. Sabu hits the big time triple jump tope onto the table (and Devon). I can't tell if Devon got out of the way of it, though. Crowd starts getting in to the match now.
Devon calls for the Mindbender. And hits it, but Sabu kicks out. The crowd's back to not caring. Devon hits a splash off the top. Sabu hits a dropkick reversal off the whip. Now he's going up top. Devon follows up and goes for a back body drop, but Sabu reverses into a pin. Devon kicks out. Sabu goes up top again, and again Devon tags him off. Sabu goes for a sunset flip off the top rope, but Devon reverses. Fonzie stops the ref from a three count.
Now a straight chairshot to Devon, then follows up with a Sabu chairshot. Devon didn't even bother to get his hands up to protect it, either. Ouch. Fonzie hits Sabu by accident. Devon rolls Sabu up and gets the win. Wow. I can honestly say that I didn't expect a win for Devon. Fucking brutal match, though.
Fonzie's directing Sabu to go waste on Devon now. Sabu chairshot to the back of Devon. Sabu hits a couple chairshots to the back of Devon, then turns the chair around and hits the bad end. Fonzie sets up Devon on the table and Sabu goes back stage. Sabu is on the video screen and hits an Arabian Facebuster from the video screen all the way down to Devon on the table. Jessus Christ.
They're still going at it on stage. Madden: "It looks like he has some sort of spike in his hand or a sharpened pencil or something." We go backstage. YES! LENNY AND LODI LANE! They cut a vaguely gay promo. I love them.
Madden's in the ring. Madden's introducing Larry Zybisco. Blah blah blah. I feel like fast forwarding through this. Now Larry's cutting a promo. God, he's an idiot. He's talking about Vince McMahon Sr. and how he was the best promoter of all time and shit. Now he's cutting down on Vince Jr. He talks about how Vince always wanted to perform but couldn't cut it. He talks about how Vince doesn't respect wrestlers and shit. Larry's worse than Bret.
Now Larry's talking about how twenty years ago Vince jr. screwed him and that he's never once been back. He's calling out Vince McMahon. Eric all ready tried this, Larry. Please don't follow down the same path. He attacks Vince for not super pushing Chris Jericho. At least there's only 25 minutes left. Unfortunately, the Brian Christopher and Jarrett match still factors in there somewhere.
But, before we get to that let down, we've got Lenny and Lodi coming out. And they come out to generic drums, just like everyone else! Expect they're not coming out! Lets go here. The music cuts. And now they're finally out. And the drums are back. What the hell kept them?
OMG IT'S RICK STEINER says JB. So what? Rick's taking his time to come out, too. This is a really bad tradition. And he brought Earnist Miller with him,. And Miller's got a microphone. That pisses me off enough. The rebeak ends here. Lemmie just skip ahead to see who wins this and the main event.
Kay, Miller gets the tag and wins that match. And skipping ahead of the main event: lemmie guess, Jerrett? Yup.
Well, that's it, folks. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.