(MENTAL NOTE: INSERT WITTY INTRODUCTION HERE)
Here we go with my rundown of the first and last ever WOW PPV, "WOW Unleashed". Why? Because I'm a crappy writer, that's why.
WARNING: Utterly retarded. Continue at your own risk.
* * *
First on the tape is some guy with bad hair demanding we order the "DOUBLEYOU OH DOUBLEYOU PAY PER VIEW!".
Next comes Wow's terrible theme song, which features video clips of about 900 leg drops. Then a promo for the haircutting match coming up which I'll explain when we get to it. Black and white footage of the HEELZ, because they're BAD AND NOT BLONDE LIKE THE LOVEABLE FACES. Apparently "Everyone is taking sides!" by which I'm sure the announcer meant "All eight people who brought this PPV".
Okay, people. I own the PPV already. Stop selling it to me. STOP IT!!!
STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr. Bad Hair is back, and he's inside the STEEL CAGE, and he gives us a rundown of the haircutting thing, which I'll briefly recap:
Someone put green dye in Lana Starr's shampoo, which turned her hair green, so she wants to cut off the hair of Ice Cold, who did it. Also Poison and some cheerleader are in this match, but I forgot why. AH-HAH-HANYWAY
This recap goes on just about forever, complete with dramatic, echoing voiceovers ("You shouldn't even be in WOW! ...be in WOW!... in WOW!"). I fast forward, because I already hate Lana Starr.
Man, the tape quality here is AWFUL. STILL FASTFORWARDING
BLAH BLAH BLAH ICE COLD BLAH BLAH BLAH PATTI PIZZAZZ GETTING HER KNEE SLAMMED IN A CHAIR BLAH BLAH BLAH DAVID MCLANE IS A DIRTY OLD MAN BLAH BLAH BLAH ICE COLD'S TEENY SHINEY SHORTS BLAH BLAH BLAH
After what seems like several days, the recap is over. Mr. Bad Hair comes back out and demands we buy the PPV again. He also introduces Terri "Pine Board" Gold, WOW's stupid babyface champion who never loses, except that one time she got slammed through a table, which was sort of cool. Today she's taking on the only woman to beat her, Danger, to get her title back. If you think Danger has any chance of winning, you aren't very familiar with David McLane's booking.
FAST-FORWARD
Bad haircut man again. He gives us information about Thug and Selena Majors, who have been feuding since WOW began. He also says "Who's going to win? Well, you'll just have to tune in tonight and see." That or wait until you go bankrupt in six hours and go read the results. Hee-haw.
FAST-FORWARD
Another commercial for the hair match. BUT IS IT GORGEOUS AND GRAND?!!!
Billy Badhair comes back and goes on about the WOW Tag Team Championship, which ended up getting held for like 10 minutes before the company went under.
FAST-FORWARD
Billy Badhair taps his watch and goes "Tick-tock! Tick-tock!". I wish he would die.
He introduces the splash match. Jungle Girl says "I swoop like a hawk". I don't think they have hawks in the jungle.
FAST-FOWARD
Billy Badhair returns to demand we buy the PPV, and without warning we go into the next clip montage, which starts out with Riot going into a trailer. Apparently it's the postproduction trailer, and she tells the guy sitting in it that she's got a job for him. TASTE THE EXCITEMENT
Inexplicable cut to a bunch of clips of Riot beating the crap out of people. Huh?
FAST-FORWARD
Even in fast-forward, Riot can make some fucking scary faces.
Billy Badhair comes back out to pimp the WOW Swimsuit Compitition. AWAY WITH YE, BRIGAND!!
Billy Badhair says we're just moments away from "The most historic event in the history of Pay Per View". No, it's not Crapple H getting legit pinned. Whew, I got my slam at Triple H out of the way before the PPV even started. I AM ON FIRE (WITH COMEDY)
Billy Badhair remarks that Bobby the Brain "Heenan" is late and calls him on his stupid cellphone. Bobby Heenan? The things unemployment drive a man to.
Another commercial for the haircutting match:
Out here
Outside, my suitemate is not happy ("TWO PAGES! IT'S TWO PAGES!"). This PPV hasn't even started yet and I'm already tempted to fill it up with Steven Regal jokes. QUICK! USE TEH POWAR OF TEH PUNCH ON MY EX-GIRLFREIND
Now the picture goes black and the WOW theme music plays again. What?
David McLane, the owner, starts shouting, so I suppose the PPV's finally started. David McLane yells at the crowd ("I didn't hear you, Los Angeles! Are you ready to get UNLEASHED?!"). He points right at the camera and says "History is being maken!". McLane goes on for a while and recaps all the matches AGAIN. The picture also randomly goes out, and when it IS on, it shows the wrong thing (the swimsuit competition while McLane talks about the cage match). Man oh man. I can't believe I brought this instead of another ARSION tape.
David continues to massacre English ("Loggin' on to wowe.com, that's how you vote!"). There's a barber's chair in the ring for the haircut match, which is a nice touch. There's also a really bored-looking barber.
We meet our announcers: Lee "Who?" Marshall, who looks fat and scary, and everyone's favorite manager, Bobby Heenan, who is apparently responsible for Ric Flair and Andre the Giant's careers now. McLane pronounces his name HEEEEEE-NANNNNNN!. Heenan has a big glittery jacket on, gets a big pop, and looks more than little tipsy. Well, I can't blame him. McLane interrupts Heenan's intro to plug the haircut match MORE. Cut away to Harley's Angels arriving on motorcycles and talking so lowly I can't hear them.
And here comes the first match.
LET'S GET READY TO RHOMBUS!!!!!
First comes out Jacklyn Hyde. Her gimmick is that she's CRAAAAAZYYYYY, and out comes "Dr. Sarah Bellum" to ringside with her. Heenan is announcing and obviously has no idea who any of these women are ("This is interesting, very very interesting.")
Second comes out Randi Rah Rah, who's a one-eyed cheerleader. No, I don't get it either. I also don't get why these two are wrestling each other. Don't be fooled, kids: A one eyed cheerleader may seem like comedy gold but it's out to TRICK -YOU-! Heenan mentions my ex-girlfriend ("I knew a girl once, she used to look in the mirror so much, she broke it. Without even being hit.") Heenan mentions it's dangerous to wrestle with only one eye ("You need to see"). SNAPMARE!! THIS MATCH IS OVER!!!!!!!!1
Six legdrops, yawn. Hammerlock, yawn. ANOTHER SNAPMARE!! FIVE STARS FOR THIS MATCH!!
Heenan gives us more wisdom: "I'd take that patch off and put it over her other eye. Then she couldn't see anything!". Jacklyn Hide nails Randi Rah Rah in the crotch and Lee misidentifies it as a drop to the midsection. BODYSLAM!!
Bobby Heenan blows his nose ("Do you have a cold? Do you need a tissue?"). Some boring stuff happens. Randi Rah Rah wins after a cross body block and Bobby Heenan looks really happy about it.
MATCH TOTALS
Heenan interviews Randi, but it's so low I can't hear a goddamn thing. Someone gives Heenan a new microphone, and Heenan chides Randi for coming back too soon. FEEL THE PRODUCTION VALUES
Now we're in a limo watching Lana Starr and her flunky on the way to the arena. Lee says "That must be a stretch automobile, to fit and contain all the egos within that one automobile". Okay there. Commercial for the swimsuit competition. Huh?
Heenan says McLane is "living proof that Donny Osmond had children". Next match!
Out comes "Farah the Persian Princess", whose gimmick is that she's... Persian. Cut to the crowd looking bored.
Out comes her partner, "from the beautiful island of TONNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAA", and her name is "Paradise". I don't know what her gimmick is. I'm sorry. Apparently it's that she wears a floral-print outfit. Heenan says he likes belly dancers.
To face them comes out the Beach Patrol, Summer and Sandy, who are two blonde skanks whose gimmick is that... uh... they're wrestling life guards. Look, I don't know. Marshall says to Heenan "I can see you waxing your board as we speak". Heenan insults Marshall ("I heard you faked drowning eight times to get mouth to mouth restitution"). Restitution, Heenan? Clothesline to TEH BOOBZ. Sandy's swimsuit is going right up her ass. Sandy somehow blows bouncing off the ropes. BODYSLAM!! WHAT A MOVE!! Farah slaps on some weird submission hold. Summer comes out and dropkicks her. Marshall: "OH, WOW! THAT'S A RECEIPT!". Heenan informs us that you make the tag in your own corner. Marshall says the match is like the Hindinburg disaster.
Summer pins Farah and Paradise pins Sandy, and the ref counts both of them, so I guess both teams win. Or lose. Or something. The refs come over and start yelling at the announcers. Apparently it's a draw. The crowd is not happy. The crowd starts chanting "Bullshit".
MATCH TOTALS
Cut to Lana at Mann's Chinese Theater signing autographs for clueless Japanese tourists who probably think she's Pamela Anderson. Heenan says "My brain is going to be in cement someday." All right there, Heenan.
Cut to McLane at the offices of the Lakers owner. McLane steals some flowers from the reception desk for her. Abrupt cut back to the ring: Out comes "Jane Blonde", whose gimmick is she's a wrestling secret agent. Marshall says she's "Liscened to thrill". I wonder how long that took to think up. Heenan makes the lamest innuendo I've ever heard: "I bet she's got some secret weapons hidden away in HER car." After that comes out Tanja, "The Warrior Woman", who's a cheap Xena knockoff who lovingly strokes a harpoon in her intro. Away with ye, wench! Heenan calls her sword a "cheese-cutter".
Tanja attacks before the bell. They blow a LEAPFROG. The crowd is as amazed as I am. Heenan says "If I was James Bond -". It's BLONDE, YOU FOOL!! Tanja's ass jiggles around. She needs some real pants on. Jane Blonde yells and does not have a British accent, which is pretty sad. William Regal, where are you?
Marshall is so bored he's talking about hockey now. BODYSLAM!! THIS MATCH IS -OVER-!!
Some more shit happens. Tanja actually WINS, which is probably her only win of her entire career.
MATCH TOTALS:
More ads for the swimsuit competition. We see Summer frolicking around in a pool and showing off big fake boobs. FAST-FORWARD
Next is Paradise, who poses in... a pool. Heenan says "I think she's in the kitchen with a little hamburger helper." Marshall says "She could make you happy in ANY NUMBER of ways." Why not just come out and go "Bobby, I bet she could make you have an orgasm"? Heenan insults Tonga. FAST-FORWARD
Back at the ring, Hammerin' "I Always Lose" Heather Steele comes out. Some guy in the crowd shows us his nipples. Thanks, anonymous cameraman. Heenan slams "Dan Akroyd pants". Heather's opponent comes out, and it's "Nicky Law", accompanied by "Officer Order". Law and Order. Get it? Heenan wonders if we'll see any strip-searching. Heenan: "I wouldn't mind seeing some pepper spray." Er, all right. Law kicks Steele's ass. Marshall: "She's going to MERANDIZE Heather Steele!". Hey, I saw Heather's panties. RUSSIAN LEG SWEEP! SNAPMARE!!
Nicky Law applies the laziest stunner I have ever seen and gets the pin. The crowd boos. That match sucked. Nicky Law's partner cuffs Heather Steele in the corner and Nicky Law drops some really fake slams with the nightstick on Heather Steele, who to her credit sells like crazy.
MATCH TOTALS:
This match total thing isn't working out as well as I thought. I should break out that AJW tape with that match that has nine snapmares in it.
Cut to Terri "I'm Flat" Gold backstage. The cameraman gets kicked out, thus defeating the entire point (Marshall: "I'm not sure what's going on here.")
Cut to Bronco Billy on a payphone. Apparently, SOMEONE BROUGHT HER RANCH!! OH NO!! I'm distracted by the lameness of this angle by her huge, sparkly cowboy hat.
Cut back to the ring. Out comes Boom Boom, whose gimmick is that she's overweight. Heenan reminisces about strippers. Boom Boom throws leis to the crowd. Her partner is Caliente, who comes out to the ring doing a stupid dance. Her gimmick is not wearing a bra and letting us see her nipples. Also her entrance movie contains Zorro. Heenan tells us he's El Cerebro. SAVE US, SPIDER MAN
To face them come Lotus and Jade, who never, ever, ever, ever win a match ever. That's too bad, because Lotus is really cute. I keep hoping Ayako Hamada will run out during this match and kill Boom Boom with a moonsault. And then marry Sofa so he'll stop complaining. Marshall informs us that Lotus and Jade are the "Asian Invasion". They're a pretty ineffective invasion, since they always lose. FEEL MY COMEDY POWAR!!!
We also see Jade's grandmother, who Heenan calls Tokyo Rose. Classy.
BODYSLAM!! THIS MATCH IS -OVER-!!
Wow. Jade hit a tornado DDT, which is pretty good considering that most of these women consider a snapmare the height of highspots. Speaking of which, SNAPMARE!! THIS MATCH IS -STILL- OVER!!
Poor Lotus tags in and starts getting her adorable ass kicked. Heenan says "The bad thing about wrestling this team is that you want to wrestle them again in an hour." Marshall is outraged. Where's Ayako when we need her?
Jade hits a tornado hurricanrana off the top rope. Marshall: "Flattened her like a poo poo." Asian Invasion loses anyway. Someone must've hit Lotus in the breasts, because she keeps rubbing them. Heenan calls Lee Marshall "Mike". Marshall: "They've had a worse year than Al Gore." I hate this fed.
MATCH TOTALS
Out comes The Disciplinarian, whose gimmick is that she's mean to kids. Heenan's confused. Heenan calls her "The Librarian". The Disciplinarian yells at some poor kid. Heenan: "Hit that kid with the stick!". Marshall says he knew one of Heenan's teachers, and that Heenan was a delinquent. Christ.
Bronco Billy comes out, and Heenan says she lives in a trailer. Marshall says "She has a beautiful spread". I guess Billy's still sad about losing her ranch, because she gets her ass kicked. Heenan says Bronco Billy lives on "State Farm". I thought that was an insurance company. Bronco Billy is covered in hay ("She COMES FROM A RANCH!") that came off of Boom Boom's grass skirt during the last match. Heenan and Marshall go on about E-mail for a while. ("The only guy I know that would stamp an E-mail.") The crowd boos. BODYSLAM!!
Disciplinarian hits a bad Pedigree. Bronco Billy pins her anyway. The Disciplinarian gets a microphone and reveals that OMG SHE BROUGHT BRONCO BILLY'S RANCH!!!!!!!111111
No, I don't get it either. The crowd boos. Bronco Billy has lost her sparkly hat and my interest.
MATCH TOTALS:
Cut to backstage and we see Danger get out of an SUV and cut a really quiet promo. Apparently we're living on "Danger's planet" and "I don't like you livin' on it". Okay, lady. I'd suggest she come and throw me into space if she doesn't like it, but she looks like she could actually do it, so instead I'll say: Michelle Kwan sucks. (If you didn't find that funny, it's because this was written before the Olympics. Trust me, it was hilarious.)
Back to the ring, we get the next installment of the swimsuit competition. Jade takes off her top and shows us the sides of her breasts. WHAT WOULD YOUR GRANDMOTHER THINK, YOUNG LADY?!!
FAST FORWARD
Out comes Slam Dunk, who has two gimmicks:
In fact, she does not play basketball and she's not very tall. She comes out and tells "all you vertically-challenged haters" to shut up. She badmouths "Roxy power-less". She moves her head around while she talks and calls Roxy Powers "Per-oxie". Here comes Roxy Powers, whose gimmick is... she works out. Christ, I don't know. Roxy Powers is like an inch shorter than Slam Dunk. Heenan informs us that wrestlers trash talk. Really? Next you'll tell me they sometimes don't like each other. SAY IT ISN'T SO!!!!!
Blah blah blah. Lots of kicks. The crowd boos Slam Dunk. I double-check to make sure she's shaved her pits (yes). Slam Dunk hits her finisher, a one-handed chokeslam, but doesn't get the three count because someone accidentally nailed the ref. So Slam Dunk nails the ref with her finisher ("I hate that! What's up?!"). Another ref comes out, and they argue. Apparently it's a double DQ. Huh? The crowd chants bullshit again. Is this over yet?
Slam Dunk cuts a promo while going back up the ramp ("I'm still Slam Dunk. I'm still Slam Dunk. Wahhhhhh!"). Heenan insults George Steinbrenner. Cut back to McLane talking to the owner of the Lakers, which means it took him about an hour and a half to get to her office from her receptionist. The volume is still really low, so I have to put my face on the speakers. Blah blah blah. Hearing this crap wasn't worth putting my face on the TV screen to hear it. I need to wash my face.
Back to Lana's limo. Nothing happens.
Back to the ring. Out comes Riot with a baseball bat. Heenan likes Riot. Riot makes some terrifying faces. I'm still holding out hope that Ayako Hamada is going to show up. Marshall: "This woman has frightened more men than Lorena Bobbit." Heenan tells Riot to hit the ring announcer with her baseball bat. Riot inquires how we're doing. (Quite bored, thank you.) Riot tells us she has "hard core blood". I hope Riot found a job after this that put her face-making ability to good use. Out comes Wendi Wheels, which means I have to explain this stupid angle:
Riot goes around destroying cars, and Wendi Wheels fixes them, so they hate each other. Apparently. I hate Wendi Wheels, because she's a stupid skank. Wendy Wheels comes out with a shopping cart full of shit and puts Riot in it. Riot nails her with a cookie sheet. Marshall says she got "Waffled". Wendi Wheels' huge breasts are distracting me. Ayako, where are you? Riot nails Wendi a couple more times. Stuff happens. Wendi advises us to get a tune-up. Heenan insults Chicago. BODYSLAM!!!!
Riot hits a spinning elbow from the top rope. Wendi Wheels needs to put on a bra or something. Wendi Wheels hits Riot really lazily with a mop. Riot hits Wendi Wheels with a bottle of Pepsi. Marshall: "Stop in the name of love." Riot sprays water on Wendy Wheels. How that's supposed to hurt I don't know. Heenan insults Marshall. Marshall says he won a wet T-shirt contest once. Riot applies a crossface and makes a bunch of weird faces at the camera. Riot sells getting hit with a pizza tray like crazy, and she needs to pull her shorts down because I can see half her ass. Riot makes some suggestive faces about a garbage can and nails Wendi Wheels with it. Hey, there's still GARBAGE in that. Now it's all over the ring. Heenan tells us he's going to stuff Marshall in a garbage can. Marshall goes on about different kinds of pizza. Riot halfheartedly adjusts her shorts, drops a pizza pan on the mat, and does her finisher, a powerbomb. She's supposed to make Wendi Wheels land on the pizza pan for the big spot of the match, but she misses and lands on it herself. Someone shoot me. Wendi Wheels continues to thrash around in the garbage she deserves as Riot makes faces at the camera.
MATCH TOTALS
Cut to backstage: Caged Heat gets out of a car. TEH DRAMA
More swimsuits. Heenan insults farmers.
FAST-FORWARD
Out comes Jungle Girl, which means this is the splash match, which can only be won with... a... splash. Jungle Girl tries her best not to look Caucasian. Heenan: "I wonder, if you kiss her, if she'd have a wild taste. Like deer? And moose?". She's from THE JUNGLE, DAMMIT. NO MOOSE IN THE FUCKING JUNGLE.
Out comes Becky the Farmer's Daughter, from "Hog Holler, Nebraskee". Guess if she has a southern accent? If you said "Yes", you haven't seen enough of David McLane's handiwork. Heenan insults farmers again. Heenan calls her "Becky the farmhand". Heenan says "Is that guy her husband? If he divorces her, is he still her uncle?" Lee Marshall is outraged. Heenan: "Beat up that farmhand hick." He then takes on a really bad accent: "I work on a farm. I shovel man-ure. It's fun. We have a pig named Arnold." Marshall tells us Jungle Girl got off a "bare-foot to the midsection". Because she doesn't have any shoes on. Sigh.
BODYSLAM!!!
Heenan asks how Becky learned these moves ("Did she jump off a barn?"). Marshall asks what Heenan could possibly have against someone from an agriculture community. Jungle Girl gets knocked out of the ring and takes about 230 years to get back in. She takes so long we start seeing replays during the match while she dicks around out there. BODYSLAM!!!!
Becky gets hit in the stomach. Heenan: "Got hit in the big farm breakfast! I smell grits!". Becky gets hit with a missile dropkick in TEH BOOBZ. Heenan asks Marshall if Nebraska is "Still near Iowa". Heenan demands an end to this match, and I'm not far behind him. Someone in the crowd blows a Kazoo. Heenan: "Is that you?" Marshall: "No. Thanks for asking." Who brings a kazoo to a wrestling match?
Becky gets crotched on the ringpost. Jungle Girl throws some of the fakest punches I've ever seen (and I've seen Triple H. BURN!)
Jungle Girl gets out a ladder. Marshall: "That's a ladder!". Heenan: "You must've worked in a hardware store, Marshall!". Jungle Girl goes up the ladder, which is fucking huge. I hope she falls off and dies. Instead she nails a splash from the ladder and hits Becky's knee with her face. Pin, the match is over, Jungle Girl sticks her ugly fucking face in the camera and talks, unaware that we can't hear her without a microphone.
MATCH TOTALS
Heenan wants to interview Jungle Girl. Heenan says he's impressed. Jungle Girl tells us she's the Queen of the Ring, which reminds me the WWF needs to rename King of the Ring to King or Queen In Case We Enter Trish Stratus And Book Her Over Kurt Angle Of The Ring. For some reason we zoom in on the O in the WOW logo.
Back at McLane watching the owner of the Lakers count her world championships. McLane has clown eyebrows. Some guy I think we're supposed to know is playing basketball. Oh, it's Shaq. Heenan says it's an impostor.
Cut to a limo. Out comes Lana Starr, who I hate, and her cheerleader flunky, Patty Pizzazz. Lana complains, but the volume's too low for me to hear, and if you think I'm putting my face on the TV again just to hear Lana Starr, you're crazy. Ice Cold appears, nails Patty Pizzazz, and locks her in the trunk. Ice Cold says something about hair, but the sound is still too low. The limo takes off with Patti in the trunk. On the way back, the limo runs over Stone Cold again.
Now it's the tag team match, which is between the dyke bikers named "Harley's Angels", and "Caged Heat", which is two unattractive women in prison outfits. The stupid bikers are named "Easy Rider" and "Charley Davison". Heenan says that Lee Marshall is Bosley. The bad teeth bikers cut a shitty promo about needing the belt. We're asked what we're going to do when we're made roadkill. Be dead, I suppose. Marshall: "I don't want to be Bosley." Out comes Caged Heat, which is named "Delta Lotta Pain" and "Locha". They make frowny faces at the camera. Heenan insults the bikers. Delta grabs a microphone and says they're going to win. Locha says "The HARRRLEYS can HAAAAARLY wrestle, they can HARRRRLY talk, and after this match heah, they can HARRRRRRLEY WALK." The Hardy Boyz do me a great favor by not showing up. The match finally starts. Marshall tells us these teams fight "recreationally". Heenan wants to know how Caged Heat is out of jail. Marshall explains that wrestling is work-release. Heenan asks what they're in jail for. Marshall can't come up with an answer, so he says "Any number of felonious things." Heenan suggests assault. Marshall: "Oh, easily." Heenan suggests disorderly conduct. Marshall: "Oh, without a doubt." BODYSLAM!!! WHAT A LEATHAL DUO
Some boring shit happens. Caged Heat does the Legion of Doom's old finishing move. Lee Marshall can't keep the wrestlers straight. Caged Heat wins, due to HEEL TRICKERY. That's not really surprising, since both teams are heels. A third Caged Heat member runs out. Yawn. Heenan makes a joke about prison rape. Marshall keeps blathering. Marshall: "A double dip! And I don't mean 31 flavors."
MATCH TOTALS
Cut to Lana Starr complaining about her luggage. I think. All I can make out is "You're faking!" and what sounds like something about chubbiness.
Cut to the ring. A bunch of clips of Terri Gold doing her stupid lionsault play. The sound quality is terrrrrrrible. Hey, I already saw this promo on this tape. The gist of it is: Danger's going to take on Terri Gold, and I'm no longer surprised WOW went bankrupt.
Finally the stupid replay is over. Terri Gold comes out first, and she has smaller breasts than Sofa. Marshall: "She is the perfect Ten, but she is up against... a perfectly dangerous opponent." Shut up, Marshall. Heenan says "There is no 10". I guess he's an octal kind of guy. Danger comes out and does Triple H's stupid water bottle routine. The crowd boos. She takes off the title belt, which looks like it may have cost up to $6. Marshall says Danger is "Tough all the way through". Even her ovaries? FEAR THE OVARIES OF POWAR
Heenan remarks "Anyone could be champion at any time", which indicates that he obviously hasn't watch much WOW TV. BODYSLAM!!11
Marshall says Gold has "Cobblestones for ass". Or something. He doesn't elucidate very well. Heenan and Marshall start talking about Mary Lou Retton. Marshall: "I think the point you're trying to make is Terri Gold is a superb athlete." Heenan: "No." Heenan remarks that you have to know who you are at all times, which apparently is a problem with him. Marshall goes on about bullies incoherently. Riot runs out and tries to powerbomb Danger through a table, but she can't pick her up. That was hilarious. The crowd boos. Riot tries again and hits the worst table spot I have ever seen in my entire life. Terri Gold hits her stupid lionsault and she's TEH CHIMP LOL again. Whatever. Heenan remarks "She had a lot of help. I'm talking about Riot". Thanks, Heenan. I missed that whole half the match that was Riot powerbombing Danger. Terri Gold heads backstage to stuff her bra. Stupid replays and pointless commentary follow.
MATCH TOTALS
More stupid swimsuit crap. Before I can fastforward, Marshall and Heenan start making stupid puns about Ice Cold. Heenan: "Is she cold, Lee?" Marshall: "She's red hot now, pal." Heenan: "Cold as a mother in law's kiss. Or a pawnbroker's heart." Marshall: "For someone who's so cold, she does heat it up, doesn't she?" BUT IS SHE GORGEOUS AND GRAND?!!
...
I already used that joke. Shit.
FAST-FORWARD
Good god, Lana Starr is in a THONG. MY EYYYYYYESSSSSSS
Heenan: "I want to come back in my next life as a sponge". THAT's not the way to Nirvana, Heenan!
FAST-FORWARD
Now it's time for Caged Heat to talk, which they proceed to do while FROWNY FACE cops look on. The black one talks while the other two make stupid faces at the camera. Apparently, there's three of Caged Heat now. Caged Heat instructs us to tell us that next time they ask what time it is, we should reply "HARD TIME". I cannot think of a joke to make here without causing myself undying shame. Heenan tries to get Marshall to sing with him. Marshall declines. We see Poison sneak out of Lana Starr's dressing room. OMG!!1 TEH HEEL TRICKERY
Marshall blathers on. Heenan doesn't say anything. Marshall: "Am I sitting here by myself?". Lana Starr comes out on crutches. The crowd chants bullshit. Personally, I'm happy. The less I see of this skank the better. Starr's introduced as "The self-proclaimed executive producer of WOW". Er, all right. All the stupid glitter that came out when Terri Gold won is still on the mats, and Marshall is still blathering on about Poison coming out of the dressing room. Lana Starr tells us she can't participate in the head-shaving match. Everyone boos. Cut to some woman with horrible teeth in the crowd failing angrily at the camera. Starr says her partner's in the hospital, and that Lana hurt herself turning her own TV on via tripping over her coffee table. The crowd is really unhappy. Lana Starr says she's canceling the head-shaving match. McLane comes out. Heenan asks if he's coming to steal some more flowers. Heenan says "Here comes the missing Osmond" as McLane arrives. McLane starts arguing with Lana Starr. At this point I'm hoping Sofa jumps out of the crowd with a cookie sheet to brain Starr. He doesn't. Thanks a lot.
McLane slams "The other wrestling organizations". Poison comes out and is introduced as "From toxic parts unknown". I don't really know what Poison's gimmick is, but at least she isn't stalking the Undertaker's wife. Poison stands on the ramp and yells at Lana, even though we can't hear her. Ice Cold comes out, "All the way from the deep freeze". The bad tape quality and Ice Cold's cheap makeup make her look like my grandmother, if she had fallen through time to 2093. Cut to the barber looking doofy. Lana Starr's hat comes off, and I guess the match has started. Poison throws some fake moves. Heenan remarks any of these women bald would "not be a pretty picture". Really, Heenan? Starr pulls off some kicks, which means those crutches were HEEL TRICKERY. Marshall can't believe Heenan fell for it. Lana Starr blows a bodyslam. Two more MIGHTY BODYSLAMS in a row. Heenan remarks that Lana Starr chipped a nail. Heenan suggests McLane should've been Starr's tag team partner. Marshall remarks that "Somebody's getting their haaaaair shorrrrrn tonighttt", just in case anyone out there hadn't figured that out from all the commercials, the repeated promos, and the barber chair we were shown two separate times. Cut to the barber looking bored.
Some boring stuff happens. Ice Cold shoves Lana Starr in the barber chair, like an idiot. Someone grabs a crutch and Ice Cold gets nailed with it. Lana pins her and gets the 3 count while Poison looks bored in the corner. I hope Lana Starr dies. The barber chair is put in the ring. The ref stuffs Ice Cold in the chair. The crowd suggests that they "Shave her snatch". Heenan makes the cryptic remark "There's Floyd from Mayberry getting in the ring". Heenan makes some electric chair remarks ("You won't have to shave her! Just burn the hair off her!"). Heenan makes some weird remarks about the bus station. Ice Cold wakes up and starts screaming and thrashing around as her hair gets shaved off. Heenan insults her haircut. Ice Cold with a towel in her mouth, sopping wet, getting her hair shaved off is a terrible, terrible sight.
MATCH TOTALS
The crowd is chanting what sounds like "Ghetto cream cheese". Heenan compares Ice Cold to a goat. Heenan says he owns his own hair. Ice Cold starts crying ("Of course she is, Brain!"). Heenan insults "page-boy" haircuts and suggests Ice Cold paint her head "whatever color she wants". Heenan insults Tammy Faye Bakker. Ice Cold is a pretty good actress. I hope she finds a new job that doesn't have her jobbing to idiot blondes. Marshall says Ice Cold's haircut looks like "One of those fifty-cent ones you get at the hospital".
The ring announcer says that coming up is "The first... ever - female cage match!" which is a damn dirty lie. (As a side note, anybody who wants to buy me AJW Rage in the Cage will have $11 worth of my undying devotion.) Marshall and Heenan discuss peeing in the snow. The steel cage starts coming down reallllllly sllllllowwwwwly. Where's Mick Foley?
The ring announcer tells us that once the cage doors are locked shut, nobody can get in or out. Not even JESUS. Unless, of course, they climb the cage. Har. After some more blathering (and one more slam from Heenan at Bronco Billy's farm), we get pointless shots of the fans jumping up and down and making stupid faces at the camera. Marshall plugs WOW's second PPV, which of course never took place. We continue to scroll around the fucking crowd.
Finally Thug's movie starts and she comes out. Thug's gimmick is that she's overweight and bad. Her opponent is going to be Selena Majors, whose gimmick is that she's old. Heenan remarks that "WOW upside down is MOM". Heenan calls Thug "ZZ Top". Marshall isn't happy. Selena Majors is introduced as "The REAL DEAL... SELEENAAAAAAAAA.... ............ ........... MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAJORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSS!". For some reason, she then doesn't come out for like 30 seconds. Everyone keeps calling her "The Real Deal", which makes me think the guy who ran Wrestlecrap is going to jump out of the audience in a Doink outfit and nail someone with a chair. Selena Majors gets a microphone and starts talking in her old, old voice. Majors says she has a "Special enforcer", who turns out to be Terri Gold. The crowd reacts with apathy. Terri Gold comes out in a ref shirt and the match starts. Selena throws some really stupid fake punches. Marshall goes on about Selena's bad knee. A bunch of boring kicks follow. Thug runs Selena face-first into the cage, but my sense of violence in cage matches has been deadend by this AJW cage match I saw that lasted like four hours and had about 300,000 chairshots and hits with baseball bats in it. Now it's Thug's turn to throw fake punches. We cut away from the match to Ice Cold STILL being shaved. Yes, it is that boring. Marshall likens the steel cage to the isolation booth on Jerry Springer. Heenan suggests regular women would be scarred for life by getting in the steel cage. I am bored out of my mind. More really fake punches. Heenan calls Marshall "Bosley" again. Marshall: "I don't want to be associated with him in any way." Cut to Ice Cold getting shaved again. Cut back to even more fake punches. We're told Selena is bleeding, and I see like two drops of blood. Cut back to Ice Cold getting shaved AGAIN. Cut back to MORE fake punches. Cut to Ice Cold AGAIN. Heenan demands the barber shave her eyebrows. Cut back to the match. Cut back to backstage, where we see the barber cleaning his chair. Christ. I need to start a new paragraph.
Thug looks under the apron for a weapon, and there's nothing there. This is one of the most boring matches I've ever seen. Marshall: "Her eyes look like one of those bad deodorant roll-on applicators." Someone in the crowd has a trumpet and proceeds to blow it. Heenan continues to state the obvious: "A cage. That's what we got here at WOW." Selena's getting squashed. Ice cold, hairless, comes down to the ring for some reason. She grabs Marshall's microphone and starts threatening McLane before the refs drag her away. Back in the cage, I'm still bored. I guess someone hit the ref, because he's bleeding. Heenan says "This is probably one of the best PPVs I've ever been in". Anyone see him in the first Wrestlemania? If there's a bad angle involving scamming Andre the Giant, I haven't seen it. The ref starts climbing the cage. Heenan: "Pull his pants down." Marshall: "I think Thug obliged you." Ew.
The ref starts climbing the cage again. Man, that is a TALL cage. He falls off the top and goes through a table. I can't believe it. This whole PPV has been put to shame by that spot. Marshall asks if "anybody in the truck" can call some paramedics. Back in the ring, I still don't care what's going on. We see the ref getting escorted out. Selena goes for the pin, but nobody's there to count. Selena counts, but Terri Gold can't count because the stupid bikers are distracting her. Selena goes for it again and there's still nobody to count. Selena starts arguing with Terri Gold. I'm falling asleep just transcribing this.
Anyway, Thug gets Terri Gold to count and wins. The crowd boos. The ringposts shoot fire for some reason. Selena Majors nails Terri Gold with a chair, which is sort of satisfying. Heenan suggests Selena "Beat her little rear end right off". Selena hits the fattest ref I have ever seen. Someone in the crowd shouts "I LOVE YOUUU!". Must be one of those blind guys. Marshall shows us part of the table the ref fell through. Selena's still stumbling around the cage. Lee Marshall is a scary monster. Apparently the PPV is over, and Marshall and Heenan bid us goodbye (Heenan: "Aren't there any more matches? I'm not happy.") The crowd is booing. Marshall rolls his eyes, and we're out.
Christ.
In the ring
Ice Cold's pubes
SNAPMARES: 2
BODYSLAMS: 1
SNAPMARES: Apparently none.
BODYSLAMS: 1. 1 too many.
SNAPMARES: None, but they blew a LEAPFROG. A LEAPFROG, PEOPLE.
BODYSLAMS: 1, I guess.
SNAPMARES: 1.
MERANDIZES: 1.
SNAPMARES: 1
BODYSLAMS: 1
DISAPPOINTED ASIAN GRANDMOTHERS: 1
SPARKLY COWBOY HATS: 1
BODYSLAMS: SHUT UP
1.) She plays basketball.
2.) She is very tall.
PERCENTAGE OF RIOT'S ASS SHOWN: 50
BODYSLAMS: 1
TIME SPENT DISCUSSING PIZZA: 23 SECONDS
BODYSLAMS: 3
SLAMS AT FARMERS: Too many to count.
POINTLESS, UNFUNNY SLAMS AT TRIPLE H: 1
BODYSLAMS: 2
SNAPMARES: NONE!!!!! I WANT MY $7 BACK
BODYSLAMS: 1
SLURRED REMARKS ABOUT COBBLESTONES: 1
OVARIES OF POWAR: 2!!!! FEAR THEM
BODYSLAMS: 3
SCARY SHOTS OF ICE COLD THAT WILL HAUNT MY FUCKING NIGHTMARES: 4