WWF Unmerciful Results
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by Bryan Lazores
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WWF Unmerciful
Sunday, October 21, 2001
Live from Ol’ St. Louey, Missouri
Announcers: Paul (E) Heyman and Jim Ross (JR)
WCW Tag Team Championship
The Hardly Ever Win Boyz w/ (LoL)Lita vs. The “Gregory (Shane) Helms” Hurricane w/ Mighty Holly & Lance Tropical Depression w/ Iv “There’s a hole in me trouserz!” ory
Hurrykane upons up the match with a swift kick to jeff’s face! A double-dipsy-doodle by storm and Hurrican on Matt! Only gets to! Coccyk Crusher by MaTT on Storm and the crowd goes bananas! Ivery hits Jeff with a calf-grab but jess counters with a two count for the leg drop!!11 OMG! DOUBLE FOOT SMASH ON MATT! Hip Hop Drop from Jedf gets only 2! THEN COMES LITA DN MOLY!! OMG! GORE GORE!!!! Ovary smashes lita though so they both go away. Lance counters with The Ottawa Senators Smash on Jess. BUT LITA JUMPS AND PUTS HER LEGS ON STORM AND THEN FALLS OFF RENDERING STORM UNCONSCIOUS! HOOOOO!!!! TWIST OF FATE ON HURRICEAN! SWANTON BOMB ON HURRICAN! 1!2!3!!1111 OMG! !! ***** (5 Stars) Killer opener! Extra stars for Jeff’s purple hat. Hardeez breakup is teased becuz Matt’s blouse was both black AND white.
Winnerz: Avast Me Hardeez
BACKSTAGE VINYET!
R! V! D! exists the powder room but STEPHEN REGAL stops him! “Ahoy there!! Ye best be apologizin’ to Austin or I’ll run ye threw with me blade!” RVD spells his intials and shows off his shaved armpits and walks away. ******** (7 stars) I’m a mark for shaved armpits. J
A pumpkin coach pulls up! WHO COULD BE INSIDE?! Vince McMahon gets out and runs toward the camera like the Ultimate Warrior! This further adds speculation to the rumor that Warrior will be appearing at westlemania X-Ocho. Michelle (Old King) Cole aks Vince what he is doing there tonight. “I’m going to make an impact!” Vince yells. “Are you going to ban WCW and ECW wrestlers from your television shows and this arena because there not under contract to the WWF?” Michale asks. “OF COURSE NOT,” Vince yells, breaking KAYFABE. “THAT WOULD MAKE NO SENSE!” Then Vince takes Michael’s BULL’S JACKET and puts it on. He says “YOU’RE ALMOST FIRED!” and scurries away giggling madly while his ric flair boobs jiggle. NO STARS FOR ANOTHER MCMAHON SHAMEFULLY PROMOTING THEMSELVES!
(Citizen)Kane vs. (Pop Quiz)Test
Blaaaargh! Oof! Raaah! I was so enthRAWlled with this match that I can’t accurittely recap it. Some of the electrical tape from Kane’s boots falls off and Kane strangles Test with it. OH MY GOD HE’S BUSTED OPEN! 8 big boots by Test for the win. X-* (ten stars) Simply a ravishing match by all standards. Post-match, Kane ejaculates on referee Mike Chioda. Then he summons his demonic powers and lights the turnbuckles on fire. If only he could set his opponents on fire he would be the champion by now. TEACH KANE TO SUMMON DEMONS THAT SET OTHER THINGS ON FIRE!!!1 God the WWF writers are so lazy.
BACKSTAGE VINYET
CRAIG T. NELSON tries to have THE TALK with Austin. Debor(ing)ah tells Coach that she has signed the slip exempting Stone Cold sex-ed. Austin manhandles Hulk Hogan behind the door. A real treat to see these two classics battle it out. Deborah makes a crevice on her face. ****** (8 stars)
BACKSTAGE VINYET
STACY “I don’t make my cookies in a tree!” Kebblar shows Matt a mysterious spot on her thigh. Matt expresses concern and suggests she consult a herpetologist. NO CONTEST -** (Negative two stars) Later, Lita arrives and asks Matt just what in the FUCK he was looking at. He stars mournfully into Lita’s nostrils. “Just about the loneliest woman I’ve ever seen, Amy. Just about the loneliest woman…. That I….. Have ever…. Seen.” They cry and hold each other.
THE FIRST EVER LINGERING MATCH!
Torrie “I am not the sports equipment manufacturer” Wilson vs. Stacy Kebblar
Stacy comes to the ring wearing a black robe from the Undertaker’s Nation of The Brood days. Mad props for giving a PHAT shout out to the past.. Torrie comes out wearing a toga with KOKO B. Ware on it. Both women roll around on the mat and even on top of the referee! LOL! OMG! Paul drops his heterosexual cherade for a second and says “Oooo that’s dithguthting!” LOL! GAY! Stacy foot chokes Torrie in the corner. Torrie with a snapmare takedown for a two count. Stacy does a SPINAROONIE and shoves Torrie’s face into her thigh hickey! Torrie is disgusted and vomits. Stacy slips in the vomit and Torrie roles her up for the three count! *** (Three stars) An average lingering match. Gave me wood but not much else. WHEN WILL VINCE LEARN?
Winner: Torrie Wilson
Backstage, MAVEN interviews Kurt Angle. Vince interupts the discourse to kiss Angle’s hand and wish him good lunch. Angle blushes and tells Vince that he is a card. Angle says his favorite song is Blink 182’s “Van Dammit.” Vince promises to make that song Undertaker’s new theme. Kurt rejoices, but then mysteriously falls sullen and sighs. ** (Two stars) Not bad but not good.
Backstage, SHILLIAN GARCIA interviews Christian. Kristyon says he is the most powerful force in the Universe. Tonight in the very first U2 match, he will prove that he is better than The Edge. Lilian screams “ARIBA LA RAZA!” and dances an Irish jig. **** (4 stars)
WWF Intercontinental Championship Later Match
Kristyon vs. The Edge
(The fourth match on the card is usually caled “The Later Match” because it is later in the show then the matches from the beginning. This goes back to the days when Honkey-Tonk Man was the Intercontinental champion for many years) They start fighting. Kristyon hits Edge with a latter but the ref doesn’t see it so he does’t call for the bell. WHEN WILL VINCE LEARN THAT WE ONLY WANT CLEAN FINSHES?! Edge says he does not want to be an Uncle and throws a balling ball on Kristyon’s crotch. Kristyon’s does a blade job on his groin and menstrates all over. He climbs a ladder for the belt but succumbs to TSS (Toxic Shock Syndrome) and passes out from the TSS. Edge drops a cinder block on Kristyon’s head and kills him. LA PARKA comes out from beneath the ring and smashes Kristyon’s lifeless corpse with a chair. Then Edge grabs the belt and leaves. -*** (Negative Three stars) This match had too much “entertainment,” and not enough sports. Looks like Edge and La Parka are forming a tag team. Wrestlezone has reported that the name “EDGE AND CHRISTIAN 2001” has been recently copywrited so this will probably be there new name. Look for good things from these young hosses.
BACKSTAGE VINYETE
Spike Dudley is shown live Hulk Hogan’s PASTAMANIA eating his spaghetti all alone. He looks afraid, cold, wet, and tired.. JR aks Spike if Molly is still his hoss. Spike is about to answer when MINI BOOKER T walks over and slurps the other end of the noodle Spike is eating. They fall instantly in love. Spike says “Molly Hoo?” and slathers SCHOOONER’S RED tomato sauce all over Mini Booker T’s chest. He begins to lick it all off as MINI BOOKER T’s nipples harden. (Molly Hoo was a Japesne wrestler on the independent circuit. She later became the Model Shari Mattel.) DOES THIS MEAN A POSSIBLE RETURN FOR SHARI ON TOMRROWS RAW?! *******( 8 stars)
WWF Tag Team Championship
The Fabulous Dudely Boyz vs. The Oriental Buzzkill Tajiri & The Small Independent Theater Production
Boba slaps Tajiri across the chest. Tajiri kicks Divine in the face for a two count. Big Show butt splashes Divine in the corner. OMG! MONGOLIAN MIST ON Boba! BUT NO! NOT BOBA! FOR REAL LIFE IT WAS THE REF!The referee is permanently blinded and tries to find some braille to read on the mat. Big Show defecates in his hand and flings his excrement across the ring while yelling incoherently. RHINO descends from the rafters and SPEARS Big Show! SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR! Divine pushes Tajiri on the floor and pins him so the dudelyyz retain their tag team titles!!!! ********* (11 srtars) A solid match only spoiled by not having ALEX WRIGHT dancing.
Winners: Don’t Use Drugs
Backstage, Regal touches Rhino. They share a special moment, and march triumphantly into the sunset. Sodomy? **** (4 stars)
Backstage, Test and and Shane plead with Booker T to give the Undertaker his medicine and change his diaper. Booker T agrees, but only if he gets a shot at the WWF Women’s title on smackdown. Shane says “This thing you ask. I can do this.” Booker T sulks out of the room with his head facing the ground. Shane bites his lower lip sexily. NO CONTEST **
BooTer k vs. The Blundermaker
Undertaker drives his motorbike full throttle down the entrance ramp. His brakes fail and he careens into the ring and is catapulted from his bike into the audience. As he sails over the ring, MEAN MARK CALLOWAY shouts “OLD SCHOOL!” SEE VINCE THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FORCE YOUR WRESTLERS TO RIDE MOTORCYCLES WITHOUT HELMETS!!! Booker T takes advantage of Undertaker being in a nearly fatal accident and manages to get the upperhand for nearly eight seconds. Booker T does a Punchy McGuillicutty on the Undertaker and goes for the pin. Undertaker no-sells the pin and kicks out. Clothesline by UT. Booker T climbs the ropes and waits for Undertaker to come over and throw him on the ground. Undertaker ambles over and grabs booker. Booker yawns and is thrown to the ground. MYSTERY ENDING! VISIT WRESTLEZONE.COM FOR FULL RESULTS! The crowd erupts in cheers and holds up signs with pictures of the Undertaker beating the fuck out of Jesus Christ ‘cause the Undertaker is a FUCKING HOSS! ********* (8 stars)
Winner: TAKE A WILD GUESS. HINT: Is known to get drunk and force illiterate Vietnamese toddlers to scribble tattoos on his arms and neck. EXTRA BONUS HINT: Many wonder where his wife hides his/her adam’s apple.
Backstage, CRAIG T. NELSON interviews Chris Jericho. Jericho says he has to win or else the bank will foreclose on his father’s farm. He says that if he doesn’t win tonight, he will have to charge extra for Snazzy Fozzbourne tickets to come up with the dough.
WCW World Heavyweight Championship
The Rockers vs. Y is your name still Y2J if it’s 2001?
Shoulder block by Jericho. Arm drag takedowns by Jericho. Chops by Jericho. Rock mounts Jericho and kisses him passionately. Jericho massages Rock’s thighs. Paul Heyman squeals and yanks on his ponytail. JR says “Will you stop?” They tumble out of the ring in a lover’s embrace. Their lovemaking spills onto the spanish announce table. “MUCHO SEXO” shouts KONNAN, and the table breaks amidst all the dry-humping. Rock goes too early for second base and rougly squeezes Jericho’s nipples. Jericho squeals and slaps Rock in the face. “I’m not that kinda girl!” Jericho shouts and the Rock looks apologetic. STEPONME McMahon runs to the ring and throws a loveseat into the ring. Rock grabs her by the head and throws her into the turnbuckles to make Jericho jealous. Jericho is mortified but risilient and springboard dropkicks the Rock onto the loveseat. Rock falls off from the MY GOD THE POWER of Jericho’s kick and becomes trapped beneath the seat. Jericho daintily sits down on the couch while the ref counts to three. ************************* (Infiniti stars) Simply a breathtaking match that delivered everything from romance to comedy to japanese hentai. Awe-inspiring. Post-match The Rock gets up and hands Jericho the belt and a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Jericho holds both in the air triumphantly and sings “I will Survive.”
Winner and New WCW World Champion: Chris Jericho
Backstage, a camera gets a shot at Vince McMahon's dressing room door. ** (2 stars) Average door shot. Not bad but could have been better.
WWF World Heavyweight Championship
Triple Threat Onesie Fasion Show Match - No Disqualification
Steve Austin vs. Kurt Angle vs. Rob Van Dam
RVD comes out sporting a lovely onesie that appears to have been made by one of those puerto rican spray-art shops you see on the boardwalk. Next Kurt Angle struts his stuff, sporting a lovely red onesie with blue lightning bolt shapes on the sides. As a bonus, there are stars inside the lightning bolts. SHAME ON HIM FOR TRYING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THESE TERRIBLE PATRIOTIC TIMES!!! Austin comes out wearing no onesie. He says that Alliance Commisioner William Regal changed the match to a No Onesies Or You’re Disqualified Match so he wins because he is wearing only knee braces, black knee pads, black boots, black underwear, and a darling leather vest with glitter on it. Everyone agrees that Austin should win because Angle and RVD cheated.
Winner: Steve Austin
After the match Vince stands on top of the announce table.
END PPV