Commercials: HAHAHA! I skipped 'em, beeyotches!

Please try this at home. WAITWAITWAIT!!! I meant DON'T try this at home! Crap. There goes my Mom's favorite Spanish announcing table.

The show opens with a video package of Cena vs. Christian vs. Jericho. Hell in the Cell is the scariest shit ever. Triple H made a little wee wee in his britches. Batista wants his mommy. Ma 'Tista. Batista: "I'm gonna kick the devil's ASS!" I want to make a joke about that, but I can't narrow it down to just one, so I'll skip it.

Vengeance has an awesome set. It's half TitanTron, half Vegas strip. Giant dice and roulette wheels everywhere. On commentary tonight is He's My Jerry Pie, Taste So Good He'll Make A Grown Man Cry along with I Think Someone Used Up All The Coach Nicknames And Didn't Refill the Dispenser and Good Ol' Plastic Heiney. Introduce us to the Spanish dudes, please. YES! Cabrera: "Gracias!"

We don't waste a second before the ACTION happens. Still Searching For That One Perfect Apple is defending his IC strap against I'm As American As A Pie Made Entirely From Your Spit. Remember that time Shelton's leg caught the top rope when he was diving outside and he fell flat on his ass and the announcers sold it like it was part of the match (their job, actually) but the IWC, in their blind Shelton worship, concluded that Shelton did it completely on PURPOSE, because he is just that damn good? Well, neither do I. No actually, I do, and that makes me incredibly sad for some reason. I need to get out of this basement sometimes. Benjamin's in the ugly blue and gold trunks. JR: "Carlito's got it in his jeans." Wow. Ohwait. Genes. Sorry.

Lateral press gets two, and Carlito begs off. They do some mat stuff, back and forth. Shelton attacks with the shoulder block and hard chops. A high knee gets a two count against Carlito. Carlito eye pokes. They trade shoulder blocks. Carlito rolls out, takes his title and leaves. Shelton chases him down and fights him on the ramp. Carlito scoots back into the ring. A snap suplex from Shelton gets two barely. Carlito goes to the corner, and Shelton runs for the Stinger splash. Carlito dodges, sending Shelton jumping onto the turnbuckle with CAT LIKE REFLEXES. He performs a flying lariat from the top and gets another near fall against Carlito. Carlito chokes Shelton on the ropes and shoves him outside. The crowd is chanting something but I cant make it out. "CAR-LEE-TOE!" I think that's it. Probably not, "CUR-LY-JOE!" Now they are chanting "SHEL-TON!" for sure. I think it's the WWE version of the TNA dueling chants. Carltio knees Shelton in the head and earns a wimpy two, but Carlito argues with the ref, and that gets him rolled up for two. Carlito works Shelton's neck. Shelton powers out and gores Carlito. Both men are laid out but make it to their feet by the count of 8. Samoan drop from Benjamin, but he has trouble making the cover. He finally does and gets a 2.999998. This crowd is HOTHOTHOT. They trade punches, and Benjamin builds momentum. Shelton is on FIRE! Clotheslines, HIGH back bodydrop. Inverted backbreaker. A two count! Shelton goes up top. Carlito tries to chop him off and climbs to the second rope. Shelton jumps to the ground outside with Carlito's face in his hands, giving Carlito a nasty little hangman's drop on the top rope in the process. Carlito is out. Shelton goes back in with a springboard bulldog. Shweet. It gets another two! Carlito is up and desperately trying to undo a turnbuckle cover while Shelton clubbers him from behind over and over. The ref puts a stop to that, and Carly almost gets the cover off. Weird side slam gets Carly two. Shelton's superkick is reversed into spinning roundhouse. Shelton stinger splashes the exposed turnbuckle. Carlito grabs a handful of tights and gets the pin.

JESUSFUCKINGCCHRIST, Triple H is raiding Brother Love's wardrobe. He's got on a hideous off-white suit with a red undershirt and red and pink tie. He's looks like a Norse Valentine. Flair looks shabby with his top button undone, but his tie pulled up all the way so no one will notice. JR calls the Hell in the Cell "Satan's Spa of Suffering and Pain." It's where Anton Levay has his hooves done.

He-Mme And The Masters Of The Universe is taking on I Ain't The Restaurant Entrepeneur To Mess With. Did I ever imagine that I would miss Christy Hemme? No. Christy's music is re-dubbed here with something generic and vaguely Marvel vs. Capcom 2-esque. Gonna take you for a ride. **Crazy trumpets** Hemme comes in angry and fighting. She breaks loose the deadly mounted head slams. and slams Victoria's head into the turnbuckle. Hemme goes up for mounted SHREIKING. Wow. I loved this version of Hemme that lasted about two seconds before becoming cheery again. Victoria lifts her up off the ropes and walks her forward for a hangman's drop. Thought it was going to be a wicked powerbomb for a moment there. Victoria pulls hair. Victoria chokes her out in the corner. Christy continues to SCREAM! Victoria lifts her into the air by her throat, holds her for a bit, tnen slams her down. Two 2 counts. "WE WANT PUPPIES!" Shut up, Vegas. Headlock on Hemme. Hemme is so fucking angry. This is really great. "Christy sucks!" chant. Christy pushes Victoria towards the ropes, attempts a roll up, but Victoria grabs the rope and Christy spills backwards onto her ass. Christy counters a widows peak with another roll up attempt. I couldn't tell if that was botched on purpose or accident. Victoria walks her back to the corner, clubbers her a bit and leaves her resting. Victoria with the SEXIEST MOONSAULT EVER! It misses, dammit. Hemme goes NUTS! Hair pull slam! Shoves and kicks! DDT? HEMME NAILS A DDT? It gets a two. Christie is in the corner; Victoria charges. Hemme ducks underneath for a roll-up, but cant topple Victoria. She drops right on top of Hemme's face, scoops up her legs with one hand, grabs a rope with the other and gets the three count.

Dear Christy Hemme,

I am sorry, Ms. Hemme. I apparently didn't know a good thing when I had it. Please come back someday and save me from Ashely matches.

Your Number One Fan 4 Life,
John

Grish Stratus is backstage interviewing the chizzamp, Doctor Mindbender of Cobranomics, he of the spinning hypnotic beltbuckles. Cena: "You're talking about Smackdown. This is Raw! This is totally different! It ain't where you from, it where you at. I just got here a couple weeks ago so I'm feelin' like the new kid, know what I'm sayin?" Donnie Wahlberg. John Cena tries to relate with Todd by asking him if he was ever the new kid at school. Todd: "In tenth grade, in biology class I had an 'accident'. I peed myself. It was embarrassing and for the rest of they ear everyone called me Todd Piss-ham." Cena makes a wacky I-cant-believe-he-just-said-that face. Cena: "I come to Raw, some stuff happens." Like making JG tune out. Cena: "Christian was always that creepy little kid, in the front of the bus, picking his boogers and putting them on his shirt. And Chris Jericho? We always know he was the rock star, wore leopard skin spandex to his senior prom and stuffed the crotch...So I don't care if you're the captain of the football team, head of the AV squad, chick writin' a number on the bathroom, smokin' in the boys room, or the kid that pissed himself!" Grisham looks sad. Cena: "Tonight you get to see John Cena! The kid voted most likely to kick some ass!" I was voted Most Likely to Be Divorced at 30 and Writing Reviews of Wrestling Videos in a Basement Somewhere. I have met and exceeded their expectations.

Scary Poppins romances Tuppence A Hag before she up and betrays him for Chin Chin Chiree in this not-so exciting video package. Kane and Lita are gross. I really hate watching them make-out. The Edge and Lita wedding was pretty freaking fantastic however. Edge: "You know me as Money in the Bank? Now you'll also know me as Money in the SACK!" Lita: "If falling in love with you makes me a slut, I am proud to be the SLUT OF THE CENTURY!" So classy. I really do love this shit. Snitsly's poem isn't on here and that's a damn shame. Fake Priest upon seeing Kane: "JEEEEESUS CHRIIIIST!"

Edge and Lita are out first, all sweaty and gross. Kane means bidness. JR loves Kane way too much. WHYDONCHAMARRYHIM??? These are the finals for the Gold Rush Tournament. "YOU SCREWED MATT" starts immediately. Kane with mounted punches, an uppercut, then a back body drop. He chokes Edge out on the 2nd rope and punches Edge stiffly. "WE WANT MATT" chant starts. The announcers talk about the wedding all nervously in an attempt to pretend there is no Matt Hardy. Kane goes outside and teases violence against Lita. Edge sneaks up behind him but is taken out with a punch. "SHES A CRACK WHORE*CLAP*CLAP*CLAPCLAPCLAP*" Lawler: "These fans in Vegas are certainly not treating Lita with very much respect." And if there's one person that knows how to respect a lady, it's Jerry "The King (of Respecting Women)" Lawler. Kane punches Edge through the ropes and follows outside for some barricade violence. Lita helps turn the tide. Edge slams Kane into the ringpost and then delivers the SPEAR! Lawler: "JR, everybody knows that Hee-Haw was your favorite show, you might as well admit it. In Oklahoma, Hee Haw was a documentary!" JR: "Actually my favorite show was wrestling." I love it when JR gets all pissypants. Kane gets back in the ring, and gets baseball slid by Edge. Coach: "Now c'mon, JR, this is domination. I want to hear you say it. Edge is dominating this match over Kane right now." JR: "Will you say please?" Coach: "Please." JR: "Edge is dominating Kane." Coach: "THANK YOU!" Edge knee drops Kane's head to a lot of heel heat. Kane starts no-selling Edge's offense slowly and starts returning punches. JR: "Kane is setting Edge on fire here. Figuratively." Edge-o-matic gets a Kane sit up but no pin. Edge attempts a tope rope something-or-other, and Kane uppercuts Edge on the way down. That gets two. Kane hits the sidewalk slam and goes up top. Lita looks worried. He drops from the top into a missle dropkick from Edge. Edge spears right into big boot. What Rhymes With Uterus? does a run-in and gets also big booted by Kane. Kane goes for the chokeslam, but Lita comes in with a chair. Kane ain't having none of that, no ma'am. He chokes her to the mat and draws boos, but picks up a chair and draws cheers. He places Lita's head in the Pillman position. Snitsky back in with a boot of his own. It gets Edge two. Snitsky jumps off the top rope into Kane's chokeslam. Edge runs in with the briefcase but accidentally clobbers Snitsky with it. Kane goes for another chokeslam on Edge. Three count. He gives Lita dirty monster looks as she runs away.

Artificially Sweetened Chin Music is just a sexy boy. A sexy little boy. I Will Make You Tap (That Ass) is fittin' ta get his submission on up in hurrrrrr. They show video highlights of their Wrestlemania 21 match-up that made all the writers for Inside Pulse and 411 splooge in their blue jeans simultaneously. Grisham interviews Michaels backstage, but Michaels has to ruin it by talking like Roger Rabbit. Why is he acting so fucking retarded?

Angle is out first and the STRAPS ARE ALREADY DOWN!!! WATCH OUT, HBK!!! Shawn is wearing some kind of chainmail over one-half of his body making him resemble the 90's version of Aquaman. Talkin' to Jesus fishies on the back of cars. Lawler: "The story of his life has been 'Can you top that?'" The story of Viscera's life has been "Can you top that...with Cool Whip?" The crowd is 99% behind HBK. They lock up. They do some mat stuff, rolling around and such. There's some more back and forth, and HBK works Angle's arm. Kurt reverses the move and follows through with a knee to HBK's left arm. Shawn leaves the ring to shake it off. Angle waits patiently. Michaels dispenses some chops, and Angle leaves. He gets back in and struggles for an early ankle lock. HBK makes it to the ropes quickly. Angle reverses an Irish whip, but Michaels catches him ready with a kick to the face. Michaels then sunset-flips off the top to try and get a roll-up on Angle, but Angle slips through and tries the ankle lock again. Michaels rolls through and clotheslines Angle over the top rope to the mats below. HBK follows outside with more chopping. Angle tries an Angle slam onto the table but Shawn fights out. After a series of reversals, Angle delivers a belly-to-back suplex sending Michaels plopping hard onto the Spanish table without it breaking. Angle shoves him back in the ring and gets two. Neckbreaker on Michaels gets FOUR two counts in a row. Angle chokes HBK out on the top rope, then sets him in a corner and tries stomping him out there. Michaels is busted open right under his left eye. Angle powerbombs Michaels right into the fucking corner! YOW. HBK is dead. Two count! A suplex from Angle gets two. Angle works Michaels' neck. HBK whips Angle to the corner and runs at him full steam. When Angle ducks out, Michaels eats the turnbuckle and wanders straight into another suplex. This gets a slow two-count. Angle sets up Michaels on the top turnbuckle but Michaels punches out. HBK drops down for a double axe-handle and is snatched into another suplex right away. Angle is bleeding from his mouth after he earns another two-count. Kurt works a reverse chinlock for a long while, but eventually HBK fights to his feet and suplexes Angle. Flying burrito followed by the kip up. Michaels makes his comecback with an atomic drop, followed by a clothesline, followed by a body slam. Michaels has caught his second wind. He goes up and nails the flying elbow. He tunes the band but only gets one stomp in before Angle tackles him. That gets Angle another two. The Angle slam is reversed into swinging DDT, and that gets HBK three two-counts in rapid succession. Michaels tries for a suplex but it's countered into one from Angle. Angle slam gets 2. Kurt works the ankle lock and it's reversed into an inside cradle for two. He tries again, but Shawn flings him right into the referee. HBK charges Kurt and ends up eating the mats outside. He sells the knee upon landing, drawing out the WWE trainers/medics. Kurt shooes them all away. Back in the ring, Shawn goes for a superkick, but Angle just ducks and grabs Shawn's leg into the ankle lock. They roll through a couple attempts at reversals, but Angle will NOT release his grip. HBK finally shoves Angle into the ringpost with his leg, and it takes a moment for both men to recover. Angle turns around and HBK hits the superkick out of nowhere. HBK struggles mightily to make the cover, which almost makes it to three. Angle goes outside and climbs the top turnbuckle. Lawler: "Your head would explode if you thought like Kurt Angle!" He's a Scanner? Angle leaps off for some move and is greeted in the way down with another superkick. That finally gets HBK the pin.

What a Difference a Dave Makes is being interviewed backstage by Coach. Batista: "Let me tell you something, you ASS KISSING SUCK UP! I'm not afraid of anything." Except small muscles. Batista: "Triple H and I are going to hell, but I'm the only one walking out." Lo and behold, Levesque-esque steps into frame. Triple H: "You're walkin' out, all right..." Batista: "Right." GOOD ONE, DAVE! Triple H puts his finger in Dave's chest. Batista no-likey that, and he goes ape-shit backstage. Refs, trainers, and Flair run out to break it up. Batista: "I'LL GET YOUR ASS IN THE CELL, BITCH!" The last words Lex Luger hears when showering.

Someone extremely crappy announces the arrival of "WWE Diva" Making My Way To The Ring, ME! Lawler is freaking out. Lilian Garcia sings her own theme music. Well, not as she walks down the ramp or anything. It sounds like Christian rock. Lilian: "It has been a whirlwind couple of months for me, and it is all due to one man: Viscera!" Moonlit nights at the Golden Corral, making love on a pile of empty Hungry Man XXL boxes, trips to Hot Topic for matching goth contact lenses. ME WANT FUCK RAAAARRRR ambles down the ramp. JR and Lawler agree that Lilian is in love. Lawler: "I know you're happily married, but is your wife?" JR: "Well. I like to think so." Lilian confesses her feelings for Viscera and seats him on a big couch. Lilian: "I want to return the favor and sing a song that I wrote for you." This can't be good. Cue generic ballad keyboard:

Baby, I been thinking
That I can no longer hide
These feelings for you I have so strong
A love I can't deny

I've been cold and empty
Before this very day
Oh, I need for you to fill me up
Fill me up inside

I've waited all my life to say
These simple words
And now I know you will be mine

Because I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you

YES FUCKING BEAUTIFUL LYRICS! I WILL POST THEM ON THE MYSPACE RIGHT NOW!!! Lilian tells Viscera that he has hit the jackpot. Lilian gets down on one knee. Lilian: "Viscera, will you...will you...will you marry me?" Will you stop saying "will you"? Viscera: "I mean, you want me to marry you?" DUHHHR. Please Allow Me to Interest You in an Entire Train Filled With the Vagina interrupts. JR: "I REMEMBER THAT MUSIC! IT'S THE GODDDDDFAAATHER!!!" JR cannot fake his excitement very well. Ass parades make Lawler hard. JR: "There's not a damn thing wrong with me!" Hahahaha. Lawler: "Look at that feather, JR? You know what you can do with a feather like that?" Hold it in your trunk and fly around the circus?

Prostitutes > Marriage. Viscera dances with strippers and leaves Lilian sobbing and red-faced. Lawler: "If she needs consoling, give her my room number." Class act.

Coach pimps a Mudvayne album. Isn't that what people call the shit on the back of a shrimp?

Video package for Jericho/Cena...and, oh yeah, Christian. In retrospect, this was the last time any of them were interesting.

Traded Christian Cage for Christian Finnegan is the first one out in this Triple Threat. Traded Grisham for Borash is accompanied by Tyson Tacobell. Traded Actual Fans for Spinning Belts represents. All three men stand in the center of the ring and talk a bunch of noise. Jericho puts his finger in Cena's face, and Cena charges him. Christian runs up and stomps on Cena. Christian and Jericho get him clobbered into the corner and trade chops on Cena. Y2J elbows Christian to start working on him some, but Tomko pulls Jericho outside. Cena takes on Christian now. A nice hip lock from Cena, and he stomps Christian into the corner. Hebner throws Tyson Tomko out of the arena. The fans really love this for some reason. Chirstian leapfrogs Cena in the corner but gets himself caught in an FU position. Cena kinda FU's Christian to the outside. Jericho flies back in with an elbow off the top turnbuckle, taking Cena down. That gets two for Y2J. He suplexes on Cena and they start trading blows. A "CENA SUCKS!" chant begins. Wow. I didn't realize they had started this far back. The chant kind of morphs into "CENA! CENA!" as the supporters grow louder than the detractors. You know how to get rid of detractors? Shoot them with detractor beam. Jericho with the perfect bulldog on Cena. Y2J tries the lionsault and misses. Cena gets elbowed in the face by Jericho and baseball slid out of the ring. They do some typical brawling outside. Jericho clears the Spanish table. What the hell? An ECW chant? Puh-leeeze. Jericho tries twice to suplex Cena through the table. Cena counters with a vicious DDT onto the championship belt which is lying on the ground. Christian finally returns and works Cena back into the ring. Christian gets a two count. Christian chokes Cena out and screams the whole time he does it. Rear naked choke on Cena. Christian: "YOU CAN'T SEE ME!!!" That gets a big face pop. Cena dishes out clotheslines and shoulder blocks. He hits Christian with a power slam. Five Echidna Shuffle time! Jericho trips Cena up before he can complete the move, yanks Cena out, and tosses him into the steps. Christian baseball slides into Y2J. Christian follows him out and rolls Jericho back into the ring. Jericho goes for the walls, but they are quickly countered. Christian Irish whips Jericho into Cena who is climbing back into the ring. Lawler: "I'm gonna win! I mean, Jericho's gonna win!" An inside cradle gets Christian two. Christian goes up top, and Y2J joins him on the top turnbuckle. Jericho tries for a suplerplex, but Cena runs in and powerbombs Jericho, who in turn suplexes Christian. Very TNA of them. Cena gets a two (barely) on Y2J, so he attempts a pin on Christian instead. That earns another two count. Cena works on Jercho and Christian both. Cena drop toe holds Christian as Christian charges, and he falls down, headbutting Jericho. Cena wants the 10 Knuckle Shuffle. That looked so incredibly dumb. Cena gets another two on Jericho. Christian gets a two count on Cena. Chris Jericho pins both guys, at the same time, for two. Jericho goes up top and gets racked when Cena shoves Christian's head into Jericho's crotch. It sends Jericho falling down outside. Cena rolls up Christian for another two. Cena attempts an FU, but gets raked in the eyes by Christian. The unprettier earns Christian two, no-quite-three. Christian rolls out and grabs a chair. While Hebner stops him, Tomko runs in and clotheslines Cena. Christian goes for the cover again, but Cena kicks out and causes Christian to throw a hissy. Christian ambles over to Cena, and Cena flips him out to the floor. Jericho is back in with an immediate Walls of Jericho. Christian runs back in, but Y2J drop kicks him and scoops Cena back into the walls. Christian tries to roll up Jericho and doesn't get a three count. He even attempts another unprettier, but gets shoved by Y2J into Cena for the FU. Cena swivels, hitting Jericho in the face with Christian's feet. FU! Cena gets the pin and retains the title. That was really fast-paced. Coach: "A blind squirrel can find a nut, and, tonight, John Cena was that blind squirrel." Oh, man. Coach said "squirrel" when talking about John Cena. Hee hee.

Commercials: Road Warriors on DVD. Zzzzzzz.

The Cell of the Hell lowers over the ring. CUE VIDEO PACKAGE!!!

Triple H "acts" worried and looks around at the cage above his head. The crowd starts chanting "BAH-TEE-STA!" before he even shows up. And here he is. Lordy, that's some serious, serious pyro. The start of this match is taking for-freakin-ever. Talky, talky, talky. According to JR, this match is not for children. But Godfather's hoes are completely okay, right? Just making sure. Finally a bell rings. Triple starts with the punchin'. Sidewalk slam on Trips. Triple H goes outside, and gets his head slammed into the cage by Batista. Triple H begs off back inside the ring. He gets clotheslined back outside by Batista. Batista keeps on shoving HHH against the cage. Manly brawling outside continues. Batista eats a hangman's drop off the top from HHH. He's then elbowed by Triple H into the chainlink from the ring apron. HHH follows and starts flinging Batista around. Ref: "C'mon, Hunter, get back in the ring! C'Mon, Hunter!" Need a little cheese with that whine? Some little kid in the crowd is all "You can do it Batista! You can do it!" Triple goes under the ring for a chain so he can whip Batista with it. Batista tries to roll outside, and Triple H wraps the chain around Batista's neck. He then lies on the mat with the chain in hand and pulls Batista up partway over the top rope, almost hanging, his feet scraping around the apron. Batista grabs some chain for leverage and pulls Triple H down into a hangmans drop. He starts beating Triple H with the chain and Trips quickly rolls out. Batista keeps right on whipping. Ref: "C'mon, get back in the ring. C'mon, c'mon, get him back in the ring." PLEASE SHUT UP. Batsita picks Hunter up in a hug and rams him back and forth against the ring post and the mesh and number of times. Triple H is finally busted open. They climb back in and trade punches. Spinebuster from HHH. Triple H finds a chair covered in barbed wire under the ring. He hits Batista in the backtista. "HOLEE SHIT" chant. Ref: "Hunter! Listen to me! Put that down! You don't need that!" Batsita eats a facebuster from Triple H but comes back with a clothesline. JR: "You could hear the impact! Thesmackodat!" Batista has the Death Chair. Triple H runs headfirst right into a chair shot. Batista smooshes the chair against Trips' face. They roll back out side so Batista can rend Triple H's face up against the mesh. Dave carries him over his shoulder and lawn darts him into the cell. Dave then sets him in a corner and runs towards him but eats the post when HHH dodges. Triple H tries for a pedigree on the chair, but Batsita flips him over. They trade punches again. Batisita delivers a powerslam onto the chair. Gains a nearfall. Batista gets the chain again and wraps it around his fist. Triple H DDTs him on the prickly chair. Batista is all bloodied up. He gets his face ground against the chain link by Hunter. Triple H grab the hammer as Batista gets back inside. Batista sets up the Batista Bomb, but gets back bodydropped. He runs into the hammer shot from Trip. That gets two. Triple H goes for a strike with the hammer and gets kicked in the nads. Batista is up with the hammer in hand. JR: "Batista is inside this building of steel with an evil spirit!" Get a reading on your EKG meter, Dr. Spengler! Batista runs towards Triple H who punches him with a secret fist of chain that he rolled up when no one was looking. Ref: "Put it down! Put it down! C'mon, put that chain down! C'Mon! C'Mon, Hunter! Put it down! Put it Down! Put it down!" I hate this ref very, very much. HHH goes up top, and Batista holds the hammer up. Triple H lands on it, chin first, spewing blood into the air like his entrance water. Gross. Both men struggle to their feet. Batista punches and gets all kindsa fired up. He Irish whips Triple H to the corner with such ferocity that Trips flips completely over the ring and onto the mats below. Batista picks up the steps and rams Triple H with them. He picks up a second set of steps and brings them inside the ring, setting them up in the corner. He slams Triple H's head into them a number of times before whipping Triple H into them. Batista gives the thumbs down. He goes for another bomb, but gets racked. Pedigree! Coach: "FINISH HIM!" Batsita kicks out. Announcers go bananas. The crowd chants "BAH TEE STA!" very LOUDLY. Triple H climbs up the steel steps in the middle of the ring and goes for another pedigree, but Batista counters with a spinebuster onto the steps. Owee. JR: "THIS MATCH MAKES MORTAL MEN SUFFER!" That's awesome. Dave tries one last Batista Bomb, Trips scoops up the hammer and raises it to strike while he's in the air, but eats the bomb instead. A three count and Batista retains the championship. FEUD OVER.

Extras: Maria interviews weepy Lilian backstage. Lilian: "I mean, we couldn't do the normal things that couples can do in bed. I always had to be on t--...**sob**" Maria: "Well, you know what they say. Once you go black, you never..." Lilian: "God, I HATE the Godfather and I never want to see him as long as I live!" I agree.

Also in a touching and poignant moment, Flair consoles Trips. Flair massages Triple H's knee as he gently says, "Let it go...let it go..." Batista walks in and Hunter gets to his feet. Batista: "It's over." HHH: “Damn right it's over.” A handshake is offered, and Trips goes for the hug. Triple H: “This is Evolution, baby. That's Evolutuion." **tear**

Also a tag match from 6/27/05 Raw in which Christian, Jericho, and Tomko fight Cena, HBK, and Hulk Hogan. Here's Sofa's rebeak in its entirety:

"JR instructs us to call people up and tell them Hogan's do two moves tonight. Cena and Jericho are doing stuff. Tag to Michaels. Atomic drop to Jericho, one to Christian. Dropkick from Jericho gets 2. Tomko tagged in after some nonsense. Powerslam gets 2. Christian in now. Neckbreaker for 2. Punching in the evil corner. Jericho in, sleeper. Whip, knee to Michaels' face. Taunting. Christian in, he does NOTHING but tag Tomko. Stomping. Jericho in, chop. Bulldog, Michaels dodges the lionsault Naptime. Tags to Hogan and Tomko. Hogan is a Ronald McDonald impersonator afire. Jericho, Cena, and HBK fight to the outside while Hogan has his way with Christian and Tomko. Michaels in, Subparkick to Christian. Meanwhile, to Tomko: Boot, legdrop. Blech. Coach is speechless with anger. Hogan love-fest takes us out."

Final Thoughts: Big manly fun without all the mess. Lilian Garcia is like the Lynn Minmae of Raw.