Who better to rebeak the return of Saturday Night's Main Event than the guy that used to get really pissed off whenever it would pre-empt my precious Saturday Night Live. Whatdoyamean I gotta go without my weekly fix of Jon Lovitz and Victoria Jackson? My how times have changed. Now, I'd rather watch wrestling than Saturday Night Live without hesitation. They added Keenan from All That. It's all downhill from there.

We are LIIIIVE from the Cobo Arena in Detroit, Michigan and the show jumps right into introducing all the major players of tonight's event. Vincent Price introduces his son, Lon Shaney Junior. Nostrils flare as The King of Kings Of Other Kings Of Even More Powerful Kingsinfinity starts his usual slow promo, but he's cut off by a big hand with tape reading “You can't see me!” waving in front of his face. Why it's the champ, The Amazing Heelface! Just Belching Lager is wearing a big fake mustache. JBL: “My name is NOT EARL!” He's checking his list of dumb things he's done and tonight he's doing “#452: Challenging Stone Cold Steve Austin to a beer drinking contest.” I bet that goose-stepping incident is in the top five somewhere. Last but not least is I Ate All Your Worms And Boy Is My Face Red. He's coming to getcha, if you had any doubts.

And here's the exciting opening credits set to that -BOOM!- song that interrupts the lyrics -BOOM!- with the word “boom” -BOOM!- that was featured -BOOM!- in every movie trailer in 2003. BOOM!

The set is a little like WMXX. The floor of the entrance is a tron, and they project entrance videos onto an empty wall behind the set. Nothing special. Tonight on commentary My Gigantic Plastic Ass Is Now Free Of Debris has returned alongside The King of Gotham City, Tennessee and Smackdown's Fireplug T. McBulldog. It's a dream team of announcers if you dream small.

It's time to play the game. Uncle Wiggly, the original “reading with phonics” game! NO! Triple H! Shit, I was that close. He's followed by his partner in this match, John Cena, who gets a loud pop made 50% out of people booing. I Made Gregory Hines Tap looks a little smaller, closer to his physique back when he entered the WWE. I think the drug policy must be working. Meanwhile, San Diego Pollo looks a little chubbier around the gut. Interesting. Last one out is A Rotten Egg, preening and posing in decent heel fashion. He's smacking a piece of gum like Curt Hennig's life depended on it. The ring is very foggy. They should use flashlights. Randy and John start. We're on a first name basis. Cena hits an arm drag before Orton gets blind-tagged by Angle. Angle immediately suplexes Cena a couple of times and goes for the Angle Slam. Cena stops it with a spinebuster and gets a two-count. Triple H is tagged in and walks into a set of rolling Germans from Angle. John Cena adds a nice touch to the match by smiling at Triple H getting suplexed. Rey is tagged in by Angle and delivers a senton off the top rope. That gets two. He goes for another pin and gets another two. Triple H tags Cena in and the crowd turns nasty. He gets some deafening heat against Rey. Rey delivers a huracanrana to Triple H and starts drop-kicking both Trips and Cena. A “CENA SUCKS” chant begins. He sets Cena up for the 619, but kicks into thin air when Triple H pulls Cena away.

Commercials: Touching is good. I wouldn't know...**sob**

During the break, Triple H tried to tempt Cena to the dark side by offering Rey's crotch to him. Cena refused the cheap shot, but it probably didn't do much to restore the crowd's support of the champ. Rey and Triple H carry on outside with typical outside action that gets Trips a two-count back in the ring. Cena denies Triple H a tag. Triple H gives Rey a spinebuster that draws an Arn Anderson comparison from JR. Kurt runs in to break the pin. A sleeper is applied and the crowd chants “EDDIE!” to help wake Rey up. Lawler: “Smackdown's wearing Milkbone underwear!” Rey powers out and nails a moonsault off the top turnbuckle that lays both him and Triple H out. Triple H is to his feet first and tags in Cena, but Rey gets the tag on Orton. The crowd explodes with hatred. I can't really tell who the hate is directed towards, but they really, really hate someone in there. Cena gets the five-knuckle shuffle and Orton sells it like his nose is broken. Orton oversells in general, but he's honestly the first person who's made that move look remotely painful. F-U on Orton. Triple H pulls Randy from the pin, and pedigrees Cena to a face pop and leaves. The crowd is all over this; people are booing and cheering simultaneously and doing it loudly. Wrestlemania 22 is going to be interesting. Triple H comes back and covers Cena with Randy's arm. Rey breaks it and gains the approval of the audience. Not the approval of HHH though, and Rey's pedigreed too. Angle takes out Triple H to a good face pop, and gets RKOed by Orton. Orton and Cena are the only survivors now. I can't believe an actual “CE-NA!” chant gained steam! Orton goes for the RKO is rolled up by Cena for the three count. The crowd response was insanely schizophrenic, but the match was a decent batch of fast-paced nonsense.

Commercials: Is ATL the first “hood” movie to be rated PG13? That's smart business. Now all the mallrat wannabe gangstas can see it without sneaking in. Quaker makes something called “Breakfast Cookies”. Oatmeal bacon? Peanut butter and eggs? Gag. Even on NBC, I can't avoid Cowboy Troy. Tonight on the local news? People still drinking one day after St. Patty's, nice weather, and how to get rid of termites. Hard hitting stuff.

When we return, we get a Wrestlemania 22 shill before we join POP Star and his wife Queen Beekeeper. Booker T has hurt his leg while preparing for his Boogeyman match. Booker: “I heard itself POP! I heard itself SNAP! I heard itself POP! I heard itself POP!” Teddy Long orders an MRI from Dr. Real. Dr. Real? Hahaha. I hope Dr. Notfake gives him a second opinion. Booker's going to the hospital for tests and won't be wrestling tonight. Sharmell escorts him out of the room, and has to stifle a little laugh when Booker sells the injury by bugging his eyes out and wheezing like a cartoon character.

Before a break, Living On The Me and A Lita Of Cola arrive from a puff of smoke for the “Cutting Edge” interview segment.

Commercials: Joe Dirt, Deuce Bigalow, and Napoleon Dynamite team up to play baseball. I stay home that weekend. The Bowflex machine will give you a firmer, harder body. Yes, you, 50-year old grandma!

We return to Edge and Lita in a ring filled with tables and various hardcore crap like street signs and baseball bats. Edge: “Mick Foley has gone from being a hardcore legend...to a teddy bear! A MUPPET!” He quasi-shoots on Foley's penchant for cheap pops and books that no one reads. He calls Mick out, but Foley doesn't show. Just as he starts to run his mouth again, the car crash music hits and Doctor (Missing) Teeth arrives clad in glorious flannel. Edge lights a table on fire, and Foley attacks him as a tech runs in and extinguishes the table. Mick dumps a bag of thumbtacks on the ground so Edge can bulldog him right into them. Edge and Lita head down the ramp, but Foley sits up with a head full of tacks. He picks up a chair and Edge and Lita fall down in unison on the ramp. That's hilarious to me. Foley runs down there and gives Edge a pretty sick neckbreaker on the ramp causing someone in the audience to start screaming like someone stole her baby. He lays Edge's head on a chair and smacks him with another chair. Foley pulls tacks out of his forehead and leaves, grinning. Way to make the save, Lita.

Commercials: Suck my motherfucking cock, Larry the Cable Guy! :D

A Vince McMahon video package is shown. He fires Paul Heyman and Eric Bischoff in loving close-up. Vince: “The means justify the ends!” That makes no damn sense.

Sharmell takes her shirt off because she is getting out of the shower. That also makes no damn sense. Booker laughs hilariously at his own master plan and hops on one foot to prove he's all right. Sharmell: “WhOOOt! WhOOOt! Go, baby, it's your birfday!” The lights in the room go red, and Boogeyman descends upside down from the ceiling with a mouthful of worms. Booker and Sharmell run for their lives. Booker: “GO, BABY, GO!”

Back in the arena, JBL's limo arrives and drops off a dancing JBL.

Commercials: Snake Plissken and Mr. Holland Vs. The Entire Ocean. Only in theatres, May 12. NBC dusts off “The More You Know” with Benjamin Bratt and Miguel Ferrer. Miguel Ferrer is cool.

They play the opening credits again because they were hoping to time it where the show would be split into two parts, but it's 7:52 (Central. The only timezone that matters.) so they kinda blew that one. Tazz gets all fired up about Mark Henry calling out the Undertaker. Yay?

JBL: “Your automakers! Your mighty Detroit automakers! LOSING...to TOYOTA!” Cheap heat rules. JBL: “When I beat Chris Benoit for the US Championship at Wrestlemania 22, this country will stop losing jobs! This country will stop being hated!” OMG GLASS BREAKS! Alcoholics Unanimous arrives in a monster truck, straight off the shelves of K*B Toys' clearance section. Lawler: “I like the taste of beer and the smell of burning rubber!” The smell of Lita's vagina. Wow, Stone Cold is looking kind of old. He relates the story of how he's been drinking all day long. The audience tries to “WHAT?” him, but his cadence isn't allowing them to work their pavlovian chant in. He goes to drink a cold one, but JBL covers the beer with his hand. JBL: “You wanna be Billy Badboy?” JBL brought the beer in from Canada because he couldn't find decent domestic. This makes Austin break up a little. The challenge is 25 beers in one minute. JBL wants them to drink with their backs to each other, but Stone Cold doesn't like that idea. JBL: “I ain't Brokeback Mountain! I'm a REAL COWBOY!” JR: “Not that there's anything wrong with that.” Nothing wrong with being a real cowboy? Stone Cold: “You're the official one-minute man?” JBL goes flush. JBL: “You've been talking to my wife!” They turn their backs to each other and start drinking. JBL cheats by pouring each beer down the front of his shirt. Austin inches around and catches him in the act. JBL goes goggle-eyed like a little kid with his hand in the cookie jar. JBL dumps a beer on Austin and scrambles from the ring, only to be stopped by Moosehead. Benoit rolls JBL back into the ring, where Austin assualts him with pitchers of beer. JBL flails about comically, a student of the Vince McMahon School of Flailing About Comically. Stone Cold gives him a stunner and for some reason JBL's nose is bleeding as the segment ends.

Candice? More Like CAN'Tdice, Am I Right, Ladies? is backstage looking at herself on a gigantic Playboy cover. Corporate Pizza Is For Trish Stratus escorts Candice to their upcoming fight. Ha! Candice called Victoria “Vic”.

Commercials: The Apprentice. Not to be confused with that cartoon where Mickey Mouse wears a wizard hat.

Does Candice's music say, “Too much shoppin' never hurt nobody”? They've got cute matching lavender outfits on. Not To Be Confused With Mickie Mouse has great theme music. I don't know why I've never noticed it before. It's basically Tony Basil's “Mickey” stripped down generic enough to avoid lawsuits. They show a video package of craAAaaaAAzy Mickie James that telegraphs how this match will end. Women's Champion, I <3 Corporate Pizza is wearing great black pants, all laced up the sides over her bare legs. Lawler: “...ow..” He's been rendered speechless by the sexy pants. There's tension right away between James and Stratus. Candice starts the match off with a godaddy,com dance. JR: “Candice is the weakest link as far as wrestling is concerned.” They do the diva-style sloppy brawl with Candice in control. Victoria flips over the top rope for a leg drop on Trish, and then places her in a face lock. Mickie gets tagged by Trish while the ref is staring at Candice. Candice comes in to help deliver a double suplex with Victoria, but Trish reverses into a double DDT. Trish avoids a clothesline and hits the Stratusfaction for the win. JR: “That was quick!” Mickie takes the mic to say goodbye to Trish, but goes in for a kiss instead. Trish shoves her off, and Mickie kicks Trish upside the head. Mickie: “YOU DON'T LOVE ME??? **SHRIEK** YOU LOVE ME NOW???” Mickie picks Trish up and Stratusfies her. Lawler: “She doesn't get even; she gets odd!” Honestly, I could like Mickie a lot. It's so close, but there's something missing. Maybe if I see her wrestle someone besides Ashley or Candice.

Commercials: Teachers is a new NBC sitcom that features jokes like this: Teacher--”He's one of the country's greatest teachers!” Student--”What country is that? Baldfat-istan?” HAHAHAHAHAHSHUTUP.

Mickie James got interviewed on an EXCLUSIVE WWE.COM EXCLUSIVE!

My Lumps, My Lumps, My Lovely Manly Humps and his manager The Littlest Arab come out to the ring and a boring, typical Undertaker feud package is shown. I'm sure “You will...REST IN PEACE” was said somewhere in there.

Commercials: Crossing Jordan, the popular NBC show about an unpopular Smackdown midcarder.

Davari: “Deadman, I will beat you at your own game!” Uncle Wiggly? Dr. Bong is an obscure 1970's Marvel comics reference and my Undertaker nickname. His druids wheel a casket down to the ring which causes our announcers to compare its size to the size of Yokozuna's casket. Three casket matches in one year are two casket matches too many, WWE. 'Taker opens up the proverbial can of whup ass and big boots Henry over the ring railing. Davari gets chokeslammed and tombstoned onto the top of the casket. JR: “Davari's dead!” Mark Henry vanished, as incredible as that sounds.

Commercials: Later tonight on NBC—Commercials! A commercial for University of South Carolina has a white dude with dreadlocks drinking coffee. I find that annoying for some reason.

Lilian announces the Street Fight rules, so we must be ready to rock. I'm Not Your Boy Toy; I'm Your MAN Toy arrives first. What? I Don't Get A Second Nickname? shows up with his dad in tow. HBK rushes Shane before Shane can even get to the ramp, and keeps in control all the way to the ring. Michaels attacks with a chair, then gets a table and sets it up ringside. Crowd: “WE WANT TABLES!” Uh. You got 'em already. Shane ships HBK into the ring post while Vince cheers him on. Some Male Fan: “I LOVE YOU!” Hahaha. Shane grabs a ladder and sets it up. Vince lays Shawn out on one of the tables, but as Shane goes up, HBK fights off Vince and heads up the ladder himself. At the top, Shawn and Shane trade punches. Michaels grabs Shane up for a suplex from the top of the ladder, and he suceeds sending them plummeting through the tables below. Nice spot. We go to commercial as Vince screams for EMT's.

Commercials: Mary Ferguson wants to tell us about the Ultimate Scrubber. It eliminates grout stains with DESTRUCITY!

As we return, Shawn and Shane are back on their feet and Shawn is in control with punches. He sets up the ladder to drop an elbow, but Vince whacks him in the back with a kendo stick, and Shawn falls off. Shane takes the ladder and starts working HBK's back with it. This gets two 2-counts. Shane places HBK in a surfboard stretch, but HBK gets all fired up and breaks free. Shane gives him a DDT. That only earns two. HBK gets nailed with a chair and Shane sets Michaels and a trashcan in a corner for the Van Terminator. Vince holds the can in place to make sure Shawn gets it right in the face. This can't end well. Shawn moves and Shane plants the trachcan into Vince's face. Shane and Shawn brawl some more until Shawn hits the flying elbow and follows it up with the superkick. The pin is broken up by Vince, and Shawn gets crotched by Shane-O-Mac. Shane locks in the sharpshooter and Vince calls for the bell, Montreal style, yo.

Final Thoughts: It was like a decent episode of Raw. I'm surprised I still remember what those are.