When offered the opportunity to rebeak Smackdown for this mah-vah-luss website I leaped at the opportunity despite the fact that...

A. I don't have reliable access to a computer with internet.

B. My personal VCR hasn't been hooked up in over 6 years, and even then has never recorded anything.

I knew this would be quite the adventure. I'm moving to Savannah, Georgia this weekend from my temporary home at my grandfather's house in Crockett, Texas, in the hopes of attending Savannah College of Art & Design in the fall. My computer is a total piece of crap. For the past six months I've been using the computers at work to post on the WV boards and I've been sneaking my mother's portable DVD player up to the job in the middle of the night to do the DVD recaps on their work stations. When I get to Savannah, I have a nice new fully-loaded Dell waiting on me to arrive and digital cable for recording, but for now I'm typing this on WordPad on a ten-year old Packard Bell, saving it to a 3.5 floppy, then driving an hour and a half to a friend's house to send it. Plus, my VCR's remote control is MIA so no pausing and rewinding for delicious Tazz quotes. It's all a bit of a pain in the ass.

But there was NO WAY I was going to let WV down, and I thank them all for this chance to rebeak more Randy Orton matches. One last personal note, I don't hate Smackdown. I think it's more consistently mediocre than Raw, which fluctuates wildly between good and gawd-awful. I also forgot to mention that due to a lightning storm, my cable cut out for about five minutes during the main event. Next week I'll have an easier go of the whole deal, but there's my bit of grousing before this rebeak begins.

Commercials: choosetosave.org for those that may not know saving money can provide money for you that you have saved up.

A dramatic opening for this week's Smackdown features Darth Vaderrero regaling Sicks Won Nien with bedtime stories about sharing the same senorita. Junior Junior is so shocked he runs away through the crowd. He'd be so much cuter with a little Mysterio mask of his own. Eddie's voice goes all crazy demonic sounding.

The Smackdown theme song is not very good and seques clumsily into Rey's theme. In a ring covered in zebra print and the finest in inflatable furniture Captain Kirkrisma welcomes Rey Mysterio to the first edition of The Peep Show. Christian recaps last week, but Rey interrupts and demands Eddie Guerrero come out to the ring and finish his story. Guerrero appears on the tron in a smashin new "I'm Your Papi!" T-Shirt and promises Chapter Two of Eddie's Bedtime Stories later tonight. Christian clocks Rey with the soft end of the mic afterwards and Rey sells it like he just took a superkick to the back of the head. Christian props him up for the Unprettier and leaves to much chest-slapping and booing.

Later tonight a CONTRACT SIGNING!!! My favorite!

Commercials: I missed the whole Road Warriors phenomenon. Is their DVD cover photo the same one as the NES WCW game? That'll do, Steve O. That'll do. Denise Richards makes with the crazy eyes.

"My name is Jillian Hall and I want to give you an idea of what it's like to be me." A rather harsh looking blonde has a ridiculously phony hairy growth on the side of her face. "Look closer. CLOSER! Is it OOZING? Does it make you UNCOMFORTABLE?" I remember reading on Inside Pulse several months back that the WWE writing team was going to give a wrestler a "giant mole" gimmick and here it is. Dreams can come true. "My name is Jillian Hall and I am a FIXER!" After her speech, Booker T and Sharmell are visibly repulsed by the prosthetic blob on her face.

Roll out the red carpet, Glitterati Sandwich (w/ OOZING FIXER!) is here! Tazz: "They're warm blooded animals. The cold weather they get warm, the hot weather they get cool. They're like the opposite but different. Cole: "What the hell are you talking about?" Tazz: "I don't know." My Dreads Continue to Brush the Glass Ceiling Clean (w/ Please, Don't Squeeze the Sharmell) and The Rabid Jobberine are here for the hot tag team action. Tazz: "I just got an idea, Cole." Cole: "What's the idea?" "Y'know all those flames from Booker? Maybe they could burn--" Cole: "ENOUGH!" Tazz:"Maybe they could burn that thing off her face?" Cole: "ENOUGH! ENOUGH!" Tazz: "No, like they do like the dermatologist--" Cole: "ENOUGH!" Tazz: "They lance it off the face! Y'get like a scapple, ya heat it up, ya slice it off!" Cole: "Scapple?" Tazz: "Ya get like a blowtorch, ya go to work!" Cole: "Scalpel." Tazz: "Scapple? Like a big piece of, uh, proscuitto, like pastrami, like a pepperoni. Look at that thing! It's like a super-side! Y'know what a super-side is? Look like a sausage. Y'know about sausage, Cole?" Jeezus.

Booker and Nitro to start. Lots of locks and reversals are exchanged. One clothesline and Booker gets two. Benoit is tagged in and a light bit of chanting is started. Mercury is in and gets on the receiving end of Benoit's chest chops. A backbreaker earns Benoit a two-count. Nitro and Melina pull Mercury out when Benoit tries to lock in the Sharpshooter and we cut to...

Commercials: Red Eye. The first movie based on a flavor of instant grits. KFC postulates that black people, when given a choice between fried chicken and a trip to the dollar store, will choose chicken every time.

When we return, it's Booker and Nitro, but Benoit is quickly tagged and starts dishing out suplexes to Nitro and Mercury. Benoit takes Nitro to the tippy-top for a suplex but his foot is scooped up by Mercury and gets dumped to the mat. Tazz: "If Jillian took a piece of her face off and throwed it at Benoit..Y'know? I mean, that coulda helped. It's like a piece, uh, like a stale crumb cake! A big chunk of crumb, fling it at Benoit if you're Jillian. Catch Benoit in the eye or sumpin'" Melina: "THAT'S MY BOY!!!" Back to the action inside, Nitro is still the legal man now and tries to pin Benoit a couple of times, using the ropes as leverage. Mercury is tagged back in when that proves fruitless, gets a little offense and tags Nitro back in. Booker T chant begins. Benoit hits the enzuguri on Mercury and makes the tag to Booker T. Shoulder blocks and clotheslines ensue in rapid succession. Benoit locks Nitro in the crossface outside the ring to let Book do his thing. Booker T goes for his finisher but Melina grabs his leg as he bounces off the ropes. Sharmell is pissed and attacks Melina, leading Jillian to tackle Sharmell. Sharmell escapes and rolls out of the ring, where Booker T, ever the concerned husband, goes to her to make sure she is okay. Mercury gets the roll-up on the momentarily distracted Booker and uses the ropes for the pin.

Raw Mawgawzine Prawsents the Raw Rawbawnd: Carlito versus Cena II. Ross: "DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU, JERICHO!"

Later tonight Eddie Guerrero's Bedtime Stories Chapter Two. That's actually what the graphic says, no joke. "Bedtime Stories" is in this blue and white font with tiny sparkling stars bordering the letters. Absolutely darling. Next up a CONTRACT SIGNING!!! My favorite!

Commercials: Dukes of Hazzard. "I think something bounced up in my undercarraige" is one of the most nonsensical double entendres I've ever heard. Smunchy. People go orgasmic over fried chicken at Church's Chicken. Houston's Suit Mart owners love giving daps to all their pre-teen suit buyers.

The Summerslam promo is one of the only truly sexy things WWE have ever done with their Divas. Aaahhhh, soap and ass.

Theodore (sans Alvin and Simon) pits Christian aganist Rey Mysterio in tonight's main event. Christian has no Tonko to look to in frustration.

Here's a replay of Undertaker/JBL setting up tonight's CONTRACT SIGNING!!! A table, some microphones and clipboards await us after this word from our sponsors.

Commercials: Does my love for John Hurt outweigh my dislike of Kate Hudson? Find out August 12th. I'm beginning to fetishize the 50-year old Bowlfex Xtreme grandma. Yah Mo B There. Michael McDonald music is takin' me to the streets. When I was four. Denise Richards makes with the crazy eyes again.

Irma LaDouche is interviewed backstage by Josh Matthews. He promises to make his intentions with the Undertaker crystal clear because I forgot Wrestlemania 21. I'm dumb like that.

A long-horned limo carts NEW YORK CITY?! Get a Rope (w/ Orlando Calrissian) to the contract signing. Tazz: "He's an implanted New Yorker but a very successful, wealthy--" Cole: "Wait..." Tazz: "--intelligent--" Cole: "Wait..." Tazz: "--New Yorker." Cole: "Wait. You just called him an implant. I believe he's a transplanted New Yorker." Tazz: "Transplant. Implant. Any kinda plant you want. Don't matter. The fact of the matter...Eggplant!" Cole: "So you're saying JBL has implants?" Tazz: "No! I didn't--the hell?!--I don't know that...He doesn't have implants." Cabbage Patch Kid is so named due to his excessive intro cabbage-patching. Batista breaks the horn off JBL's limo "accidentally" and offers it back to him when he gets in the ring. JBL: "You just damaged my car! YOU GOOF!" JBL does his usual promo and Batista does his laid-back "I'm-not-afraid-of-you" thing. BAH-TEE-STA chant begins. Batista: "What are you on? What are you taking? I want to know what you're taking that makes you look in the mirror and say you're a wrestling gawwwwwwwd." Multi-vitamins. JBL's a Flinstone Kid. 10 million strong. And grooowing. Some people are doing a PUPPIES chant for whatever reason. Show 'em your implants, JBL. Batista leaves the match stipluations in JBL's hands. JBL: "Hahahaha! MILLION DOLLAR BODY! NICKEL BRAIN! HELLUVANELEVATOR APPARENTLY GOES NOWHERE! I AM JBL!" Batista gives him this GREAT look like he's both amused and thinks JBL is legitimately bonkers. JBL chooses to make the match at Summerslam a No Holds Barred match. Is that the new name for Hardcore?

WHATTTARRRRUSHMIXTAPEIMADE! shares his make-up bag with Bayou Billy . Next week, spiked football pads.

Commercials: Four Brothers doesn't look anything like last year's Two Brothers. Poor widdle tigers. On the next Fear Factor, children are locked in a box and covered with insects. That also takes me back to when I was four. I have to go into a little detail on this Hilton Furniture commercial out of Houston. There's some WNBA "star" of the Houston Comets and the Krofft-esque Comets' mascot sitting on the back of Mr. Hilton who's wearing a Houston Comets jersey and headband. Hilton: "OHHHHHH!" Comets' Chick: "Sit on Hilton Furniture! NOT on Hilton!" Hilton: "PUHH-LEEEZE!" This is best commercial I have ever seen. There's more but it's too hard to describe and still be funny. I've got to find a way to show this to everyone. Hilton: "SWOOOOPES! (Huge red digital lettering spelling out "SWOOOOPES!" appear) There it is!" Comets' Chick: "And that's a fact, Jack!" This is the furniture outlet ad to end all furniture outlet ads.

Cole and Tazz shill an album from Seether. The song sounds like a public domain version of "Come as You Are". They run down the Summerslam card. Tazz: "This one will be a rocket buster to the max!"

Animal and Heidenreich defend their titles against nicknameless jobbers, Josh Daniels and Damien Somethingorother. Tazz: "It's not make-up! It's face paint!" Chicks wear make-up!" Cole: "I've got make-up on." Sidewalk slam. Clothesline. Doomsday device. The end.

Subway Fresh Toasted Rewind with New Zesty Pesto Sauce is Christian punking out Rey to crazy happy Subway synthesized flute music. The foam end of the mic is the DANGEROUS end. KLONK!

Commercials: Use a condom everytime. For everything. Including watching Bowflex Xtreme commercials.

Randy Orton is here! In a T-shirt and blazer! That means no wrestling, hallelujah. In short: He's the Legend Killer and he still wants to kill the Undertaker. Undertaker uses his supernatural control of audio-video devices to possess the tron and changes the letters of RKO to RIP. Randy makes a cartoon *gulp* face and runs around in little frightened circles.

Commercials: Again? This show is, like, 50% ads. Kentucky Fried Chicken commercials play "Sweet Home Alabama" in the background, showing no loyalty to their home state. C-I-A-B-A-T-T-A. Peace out.

The Boogeyman is coming. Heh. Synchronize your turd watches.

Outside Eddie greets mystery guest Anna in her limo. She has something to do with Chapter Two of Eddie's bedtime story. This story needs more princesses and porridge to be considered a classic.

Rey Mysterio doesn't waste anytime jumping out of the ramp because he means bidness. Aaaand...Cable goes out. My first regular TV rebeak and I can't even watch the main event. It comes back on just long enough for me to see Christian is in control.

My blue screen of death has pleasant green letters at the bottom reading "Video". Better than watching Orlando Jordan, but not good when I'm missing Mysterio/Christian. The "Use a condom everytime" ad appears briefly then back to blue.

The show is back with a replay of Christian ducking the 619. Eddie and Anna wait on the ramp with copies of Eddie's new book. Tazz tells me that Rey was in control until Eddie set up camp under the SD fist. Christian tries a series of headbutts to Rey's stomach but only gains a two-count. Modified Ego Trip from Rey slows down Christian's momentum. Christian dishes out a knee lift that flips Rey onto the floor. Mysterio tries a senton into the ring but gets two feet in the gut as he comes down. That gets Christian two and he goes back to work Rey's ribs. Mysterio nails a good-looking springboard crossbody and Christian returns with a good-looking clothesline. Back to the ribs for Captain Charisma. Rey powers out, and gains some steam with a Tajiri-like series of kicks. Going for another crossbody, Christian ducks and Rey eats the mat. That won't put him out for three however.

Commercials: I'm not Lectric Smooth. Stop wrapping your foods in your other foods, Taco Bell. You aren't fooling anybody. Church's Chicken wants that funk. Let 'em have that funk.

Christian goes for the Unprettier, gets kicked in the back, and is set up for the 619. I don't want to sound overly critical but Christian's selling of the 619 is not that great. 1-2-3, Rey wins! He grabs the mic and yells at Eddie. Eddie...is...talking...very...slowly. There's 15 minutes left so I guess he's going to keep talking like that. Anna passes a copy of Eddie's Bedtime Stories to Rey. A blue slip of paper falls out of the middle of the book and Rey looks thunderstruck. Eddie is serving Rey official custody papers for Dominic beacuse the courts have proven that Eddie is Dominic's biological father. He demands Rey turn over Dominic to him unless Rey can convince Eddie that he really loves Eddie's son. Think Twizzlers, Rey-Rey. Mysterio runs down a list of the many father-son moments that he and Dominic have shared. Rey also confirms that he planned on telling Dominic about Eddie someday but the time wasn't right. He gets on his knees and begs Eddie to leave Dominic alone. Anna is finally revealed as Eddie's lawyer. Big whoop. Eddie: "God knows that I never lie!" Rey makes with the giant red pouty lips. Eddie: "Stay tuned for Chapter Three: Dominic comes home TO HIS PAPI!"

And they lived happily ever after, essa.

Final Thoughts: Fuck this town, my VCR, and my POS computer. See you next week in Georgia!