Commercials: "He came back to avenge the loss of his baby!" New Year's Revolution features Kane in a polo shirt. They should really make an action figure out of that. Maternity Ward Sorrow Kane. Also, in case you live in a cave, Rob Van Dam has a DVD spotlighting his recent career as the wacky mis-matched tag team partner everybody loves. Three hours worth of butt crack sweatstains.

Please don't try this at home. Try it at other people's houses. They'll like it.

The countdown BEGINS!!!

:05! Hogan is bald.

:04! Mid-90's Shawn Michaels is what the boys like to call "a bear".

:03! Stone Cold. Also bald.

:02! Triple H is the game with the dirtiest player inside him.

:01! Benoit never thought he'd win last year. Even though WWE told him ahead of time.

:00! "Tonight the legacy continues!"

Raw and Smackdown and probably a Snickers bar of some sort present Royal Rumble, live on DVD from Fresno, California. Some awful song by someone stubbornly attempting to fill Layne Staley's shoes is playing over EXPLOSIONS!!! Cole Slaw and Tazzberry Cheesecake are the order of the day. They introduce the Spanish announers who, in turn, introduce De-gROSSi Junior High and Junior High? WHERE?!?! Lawler: "This is not the West Side Story." Oh, good, because those promos had me really confused.

EdGein wants to be a heel but is acting quite babyfacetastic. Hanni Ballec Kter is a forced way to create matching cannibal nicknames. Shawn has so many shiny things dangling off his body he looks like he was wearing a Rio De Janeiro parade float but got attacked by wild dogs on the way to the arena. Michaels starts things hot, not even bothering to lose his pretty vest. Ross: "Shawn Michaels, the first Grand Slam champion..." That means he comes with two bacon, two toast, and a side of grits. Lawler: "He's a championship hog!" Blue ribbon at the county fair! After dominating the match for a while, Shawn dumps Edge to the outside. HBK follows but Edge is pissed enough now to start fighting back. Obligatory "HBK" chant starts early. The miracle of chanting brings Michaels back to life a little. Edge locks Michaels in the bodyscissors and Michaels desperately grasps at the sky but he can't reach it. After a prolonged resthold session, HBK's leg starts to quiver excitedly so you know he's going to break out. And he does. Edge steals HBK's pose, the cad. Lawler: "Edge taking advantage of Shawn Michael's hair!" Edge dives from the top rope and misses, so HBK rolls him up for two. Edge hits Michaels with a really shitty looking Sweet Chin Music. He goes for another submission but Michaels powers out and takes control. Again. This match is just not finding its rhythym tonight. Some hair pulling, some chops, some crappy "right hands", and Michaels gets a two-count on Edge. Oh, Edge is leaving. Good. HBK comes up behind him and raises his hands really slowly, like in some old vampire movie, before slapping them down on Edge's shoulders and turning his ass right back around to the ring. As they approach the ring, Edge turns and spears Michaels. Edge goes to the ring and lays down for a nap. When Michaels makes it into the ring, Edge does his I'm-so-cay-razy dance and hits another spear, but since Michaels hasn't done his finisher yet, you know it's only getting two. HBK is irish whipped into the corner, Edge follows but get head-butted down. Shawn nails the flying elbow and dry-humps the mat to sell his pain. Ross: "Michaels and his history of back issues..." Back issues of Beckett's Guide to Pokemon. Michaels goes for Sweet Chin Music but Edge reverses into the electric chair drop. That was cool. Both men are dazed. After a series of roll-up reversals, Edge locks in the Sharpshooter but Michaels makes it to the ropes. Another series of sloppy roll-ups finds Edge sitting on Michaels chest and using the ropes for leverage and that finally gets the three count. Blah. Michaels' hair looks like Bill Murray's in Kingpin.

Bisch Markie and Theodory Funk compare brands. Long: "You see, player, the Royal Rumble is a shizzle fizzle." Well said. Christy and Torrie stand by for your California State Lottery Super Power Midway Cyberball. Suncheros and Tato Skins are outdated snack foods. They are also Eddie and Ric, excited to be picking their balls. And who wouldn't be? Ric Flair dances around when he draws his low number. Eddie gives him a hug and leaves but pulls a switch and replaces Flair's low number with his high one. Flair: "Guerrerro! Guerrerro!" Kind of like Fred and Barney when Barney gets his hands on Fred's Cocoa Pebbles.

Cajunstein deserves his promo with Zit's All About the Game to be transcribed in its entirety.

Heidenreich: "Caskets...caskets...I HATE caskets...unnhh...casssssketssss..." (breathing heavily)

Snitsky: (also breathing heavily) "I hear you don't like caskets..."

Heidenreich: "Like? I don't like caskets. I hate THEM!"

Snitsky: (grinning) "I know. I know you hate caskets. I don't like 'em either. But I do like you, John."

Heidenreich: (touches Snitsky's chest) "Well, I like you too, Gene...But I stll hate caskets..."

Snitsky: "I know...I know, John...But I have an idea."

Heidenreich: "You do?"

Snitsky: "Yeeeah..."

Heindenreich: "...okay...an idea...that sounds good..."

This is a bizarre/great backstage segment that everybody should see. Cole and Tazz try to figure out what Snitsky's plan is. I don't even work for WWE and I would guess a run-in. They show a video package where Heidenreich makes small children cry and tries to ether the Undertaker in the back of a car. Much poetry is read. He hates caskets, by the way. No, I mean, like, really hates them. Really. No lie.

Druid Barrymore has fat dudes in cloaks carry his pine box to the ring. There's some weird nonsensical exchange between Cole and Tazz over whether or not the Raw announce team has seen or will soon see the inside of a casket. Cole: "This is going to be a violent match-up with no rules involved." Except for the whole gotta-put-a-guy-in-a-cakset-to-win thing. Heidenreich looks scared. Cole: "Thousands exploding in unison here at the Sav-Mart Center!" Bring an umbrella. Cole: "Again this is a casket match. There are no rules." Yes, there are. Stop saying that. Undertaker gets Heidenreich in a headlock and drags him over to the casket to look at it. Tazz: "The arm drag, which you don't see often!" Bullshit. Heidenreich is not so much fighting Undertaker as he is trying to avoid a particular side of the ring. 'Reich calls it quits and goes to leave. Taker tries to drag him back but Heidenreich trades devastating fake punches. Taker does the stupid "slap-my-hands-against-the-casket-as-if-I've-been-hit" spot. A bit early for that, I think, so maybe this will be short? 'Reich's punches and kicks whiff by a couple inches. Heodenreich: "MY WORLD!!! MY WORLD!!!" Undertaker gets the triangle choke on Heidenreich. Tazz: "It's the triangle choke. Not triangle troke or whatever you said." Cole: "You want me to call a match or you want to keep going?" Meeeow. Snitsky does his run-in and Cole and Tazz snitz their britches. Cole: "He's from Raw! This is a Smackdown issue! What's he doing out here?! Is this the plan he was talking about today?!" Vintage Cole. Snitsky and Heidenreich take turns abusing the Undertaker. Tazz: "Heidenreich and Snitsky putting their brain together here." They ask the refs to open the casket and prepare to roll Undertaker in. SURPRISE!

It's a paragraph break! Oh yeah, and Kanefford, the Big Red Dog Machine pops out of the box. Kane cleans house, allowing the Undertaker to recover. Kane and Snitsky disappear into the crowd. Heidenreich tried to push the casket up the ramp but he's too scared to really touch it. Tazz: "Maybe there's someone else in there! Maybe it's like a double-sided...like a double stuffed...right, guess not." Taker stops him and 'Reich does the slap hands bit on the box. Cole: "The same man who drove a truck into a hearse into the Undertaker!" That seems a tad excessive. Heidenreich gets Taker in a submission long enough to get him to pass out and rolls him into the casket. He can't shut the lid because Taker's arm sticks out, allowing Taker to shift the momentum. Undertaker rolls Heidenriech halfway in and mashes the lid against Heidenriech's upper body with a leg drop from the apron. A dozen people chant "Holy Shit!" They are half right. Some kind of a half-ass sloppy sidewalk slam confuses Tazz, Cole, and the crowd as to who just countered what. Heidenreich goes for the pin. That doesn't win a casket match so he rolls Undertaker all the way across the ring. Taker's hand shoots up and grabs 'Reich by the throat but a headbutt leads the two into more fake punches. Tazz: "I'm loving this, baby!" Chokeslam. Tombstone. Casket. The end. Two paragraphs worth of slop. I'd take Heidenreich/Undertaker over Reigns/Undertaker any day of the week, though.

In just 63 days, Wrestlemania goes Hollywood.

Ric Flair shows up with the remaining members of Nintendo rEvolution. Teddy Long has to hold him back, and demands Eddie return Ric's number. Eddie steals Long's wallet but Long knows Eddie well and demands it back. After Eddie leaves, Ric notices his wallet is gone too. He was just one tan away from a freebie! Triple H: "You better run! It's Evolution's night! We're gonna show everybody! It's our night!" It's our time down here! Goonies never say die!

Captain Charisma Carpenter is backstage arguing with Bischoff as Tattoo McBeardypoints stands by. Christian draws a number but is interuppted by Johnny Van Owen in an obscure reference to Cool as Ice. Christian: "John Cena in the house! Everbody take notice!" Cena/Christian might have been a great feud. Too bad it never happened the way it should have. Christian: "Tomko, gimme a beat." Tomko: "No."

Christian: "My name is Christian/the king of crunk/I'll take you to school, Cena/and you're gonna flunk/I'm Captain Charisma/I'm...Captain Charisma/read 'em and weeps/I'm gonna throw you out/for all of my peeps/just like Dracula comes from Transylvania/I'm winning the Rumble and going on to Wrestlemania!"

Cena makes a dozen rhyming gay jokes in less than 30 seconds. Haha! Silly gay men! Haven't they heard about vagina?

It's time for Obsession versus Brut versus Stetson in a Triple Threat for the WWE Championship. Cole: "The Big Show loves it when a good plan comes together." Especially if said plan involves Kraft Mayonesia. Angle hangs back while Show beats the shit out of JBL's chest. Show gets his amazing 6-inch high leg drop and Angle runs in to stop the pin. Big Show has a big square slice of American cheese on his forehead. He clotheslines both Angle and JBL over the top and follows the outside. Big Show sets the stairs next to the announcer's table so he can suplex JBL through it but Angle hits him with a low blow and a monitor and Show collapses through the table. He does that at Shoney's too, without the low blow. This leaves Angle and JBL to duke it out in the ring for a while. Cole: "Big Show is stirring!" He's making some pudding. Yummy. Show dominates once more and bodyslams Angle onto JBL. Angle gets the Angle Slam on Show but pops up directly into JBL's big boot. The champion goes for the pin but Show delivers the chokeslam. Show spears JBL through the ring barricade and into the crowd. Bashams and EMT's arrive to check on JBL. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Show staggers about and avoids getting smacked in the head with a chair by giving Kurt Angle a flapjack. Angle's proteges, Count Jindracula and Visit www.arizonarealestate.com Today!, cause mass ringside confusion and bump the ref. As Angle is excited to see his buddies, JBL clobbers him from behind with a chair. 1-2-3, JBL retains the title. And water. Cole: "There's the Big Show! The man who should be WWE champion!"

Curly Toe invites Supertista to sign his petition for Teddy Long to be removed as general manager of Smackdown and for George Lucas to stop being such a money-grubbing, childhood-raping asshole and release the original, NON-special editiion, uncut versions of Howard the Duck and Radioland Murders on DVD. Carlito wants to spit apple but is too scared and chooses to just swallow for a change. Batista's shoulder veins look like someone threw a handful of vermicelli at him. Batista wanders backstage a little more and is told by Bischoff that Evolution is banned from ringside during Triple H's match.

Forrest Gump parodies EXPLODE!

Ross: "There is only one Wrestlemania! Wrestlemania 21!" Heh. Lawler: "Fortunately, there's only one Eugene causing trouble back at the home!" Lawler's in a group home? They pimp an album by a shitty metal band called Altarbridge. RKO Pictures Presents It's a Wonderful Life is showered with golden sparks. A golden shower. (Jeanne) Trippleh(orn) wishes he could actually make a little bit of flame come out of his nostrils. This is for the World Heavyweight Championship. Somehow, Orton thinks a shoulder block against HHH is all he needs to get an immediate pin-fall as the match begins. No. Orton telegraphs the RKO and Triple H just shoves him and rolls out of the ring. Fucking fake-ass punches from Orton. Stop it. Orton reaches for the RKO, but super-genius gets himself tossed onto the table debris by telegraphing it again. Triple H mocks Orton's posing and gets a decent face pop. That's because Randy Orton fucking sucks. Lawler: "We may have already witnessed the best of Randy Orton here tonight." So true. The crowd starts a "Randy Sucks!" chant. Triple H's offense is getting cheered by the fans. Lawler: "He looked good for a few minutes. He should be happy today." Triple H is really working the knee with Flair's Figure Four. Triple H with the Triple F. Somehow they get in a position where both men are in the Figure Four so they do a set of matching sells, with head shaking grunts and fists in the air, like a goofy set of bookends at WWE Shopzone. Triple H is kicked onto the Spanish announcers' table. Punches, punches, punches, although, to Randy's credit, about 1/4 of them connect. Swinging neckbreaker gets Randy two. Powerslam gets him close to a three-count. Orton with an armdrag on Triple H from the top rope and gets a great-looking crossbody, but still can't get the pin-fall. Orton counters the Pedigree into Triple H's favorite crappy move, the slingshot into the turnbuckle. Randy poses like a moron and when he goes for the RKO he's shoved facefirst into a turnbuckle by HHH. You think he'd learn after the first two times. In a bad-looking exchange, Orton reverses the Pedigree with a clothesline. Hebner counts to two. Guess who punches some more? Ranfuckingdy Orton. Lawler: "He's got Krispy Kreme eyes!" People start lining up at 4 o'clock in the morning for a taste of his fresh, hot eyeballs. Triple H finds his DAMNSLEDGEHAMMER! Leave it to Orton to blow a spot as simple as a low blow. HHH sells it anyways. Some girl in the crowd screams "FUCK YOU!" to Orton. The fans are getting vocal with Orton's stupidity and cheer like fiends when it looks like Triple H is going to cave in Orton's skull with his hammer. He decides for a Pedigree instead and pushes Orton down the card a little, where he probably belongs, with a decisive three-count. Lawler: "Don't try and blame it on the sledgehammer." Oh, I didn't. I blamed Randy Orton.

The Flying Nun-zio has his Rumble number snatched away by that big Olympic bully, Kurt Angle.

JBL and company, including the girl that quit because Edge and Randy Orton treated her like garbage, celebrate like asshole heels. JBL to Long: "I'm gonna buy you a forty ounce of MALT! HOLLAHOLLAHOLLAHOLLAHOLLA!!!" Long announces that JBL will have to headline No Way Out with The Big Show. Barbedecue Cage Match with a side of potato salad.

I'm forgoing nicknames for the Royal Rumble because I'm afraid of expending whatever capacity I have for creating nicknames, plus some guys are only in it for a litttle bit and I don't want things to become too confusing.

Tazz and JR do the commentary and Finkel explains the Royal Rumble rules. Guerrero #1 and Benoit #2 are the first ones in. Usual decent mat stuff from these guys. Puder #3 is next and grabs the mic to talk some trash. Guerrero and Benoit take turns chopping the holy hell out of the kid. The crowd pops big for Holly #4 because they know if there's some humiliating initiation to do, Bob Holly will be there. JR: "He hates rookies!" Tazz: "He likes beating on a rookie!" He joins the circle of chest chops. Puder beigns to beg for mercy. Tazz: "JR, I think that knocked his areola off." JR: "Damn areolas." An Alabama Slam and Daniel Puder is the first one dumped to the floor.

Hurricane #5 is destined to lose and lose early. Guerrero and Benoit toss Holly out as he watches Hurricane's entrance. Hurricane gets a nice looking blockbuster on Eddie before he's tossed outside by Benoit. Suzuki #6 gets no crowd reaction at all. Guerrero and Benoit work him over. JR: "Battered, fried, and maybe tossed to the side." Edge #7 runs full speed into the ring and starts giving Eddie and Benoit a real fight. Mysterio #8 brings the energy tonight. He's nailing his spots and bails Kenzo to the floor with a headscissor.

The countdown starts and Benjamin #9 comes in to do some damage. Eddie, Benoit, and Rey all get tangled in arms, legs, and ropes, as they all try to eliminate each other at the same time. After they untangle, Rey delivers a fantastic huracanrana to Shelton. Booker T #10 is all "ARHHH!" and "UNNNHHH!" and is followed in short order by non-participant Eric Bischoff. Jericho #11 makes the ring get a little crowded now. "Y2J" chants begins. The presence of Bischoff draws out Theodore Long to cheer for his Smackdown crew. JR: "Represent, as they say." The workrate begins to sink a little when Reigns #12 metrosexuals his way into the ring. JR: "A guy like Luther Reigns could shock the world here." By quitting to sell real estate in Arizona. The Smackdown guys and Raw guys split up into two teams and the crowd loves their staredown. Everybody picks a partner and starts brawling. Rey and Jericho are the most interesting pair-up as I don't remember ever seeing them fight before now.

The Royal Rumble just got Hassan'd. Daivari didn't get a number but Hassan #13 is hated by both Raw and Smackdown superstars. They stand in a circle around him and start stomping away. Tazz is absolutely giddy with delight as WWE reinacts standard hate crime in the ring. Rey joins in with a 619 and they all bodysurf him over the ropes. JR: "Thanks for coming!" Jordan #14 gets the second non-reaction from the audience. 2 Hottie #15 gets punked on the entrance ramp by Hassan before he even makes it into the ring. Scotty is dead now and thus, eliminated. The crowd doesn't pop for pumpkin panties, Haas #16. Tazz does, though. Booker T becomes my hero by eliminating Luther Reigns and Orlando Jordan. Book does the Spinaroonie and Eddie takes advantage of Booker's mild breakdancing showcase by shoving him over the ropes and onto the floor.

Dupree #17 with Fifi who is not a Rumble entry. Haas and Benjamin dust off their World's Greatest Tag Team moves with their double-team leapfrog onto Dupree. Shelton goes up for another move on Dupree, but Edge pushes him to the ground and he is OUTTA THERE, mister. Dean #18 needs to prep a little before he enters with stretches and fruity looking push-ups. Edge elimates Guerrero while the camera lingers on Simon Dean's powder blue ass. Not wasting time with his full theme song, Michaels #19 goes right for Dean and takes him out. JR: "Edge is trying to corner Rey Mysterio in a corner. That makes a lot of sense." Tazz: "QUICKER THAN A HICCUP! QUICKER THAN A HICCUP! C'mon, say 'slobberknocker'!" Michaels elinates Charlie Haas. Tazz: "Catch you lata, meat and potata." Wrestlemania seeds are sown when Angle #20 arrives to suplex everyone in the ring and gets mixed up with HBK. A quick dose of Sweet Chin Music and Angle is out and on the floor in less than ten seconds.

With great temerity, Coachman #21 enters the fray. JR: "If you ever wonder who he is, just look at his ass!" Coach hits Benoit and runs away. JR: "I would not cross Benoit with a chainsaw." I would: Chrainsaw Boinwas. Jindrak #22 points to his eyes to show everyone that he can see you just fine, thank you. Kurt Angle sneaks in and elimates Michaels and starts really working him over on the ramp. Refs and trainers run out to separate them. Viscera #23 is large and in charge and still listens to DeBarge. Tazz: "The only thing he'll catch is ...a...biscuit." London #24 has the weirdest ring entrance. He looks up at the Tron like he has no idea where he is, then we he realizes he's at the Royal Rumble, he runs as fast as he can into the ring. Dupree does his tres moronique dance and is forced over the ropes by Edge. Tazz: (singing) "I'm a Frenchman! I'm a French tickle guy!"

Yo, yo, yo. Thuganomics is in the house. Cena #25 is stupid fly. He eliminates Vis right away. I don't think 30 seconds passed at all but here comes Snitsky #26. London jumps on Snitsky's back and tries to do something, anything, to get Snitsky over the ropes, but Snitsky shakes him off to the apron and FUCKING WAYLAYS him with a vicious clothesline. London's head came off, I think, and rolled under the ring somewhere. Awesomely sick spot by London. When there are this many folks in the ring you just knew Kane #27 would be the designated house cleaner. Everyone takes turns getting chokeslammed. It all looks really dumb because everyone just walks up to Kane, one after another, and takes their chokeslam like good boys. First one to the floor by Kane is Mark Jindrak. Biggest crowd reaction for the Rumble goes to Batista #28.

Batista attacks Gene Snitsky and succeeds in eliminating him. Kane and Batista face off and the crowd REALLY gets into their "BAH-TEE-STA!" chant. He throws Jericho over the top rope. Christian #29 arrives with Tomko. Cena carries Kane over his shoulders and bails him outside. Flair #30 is the last entry of the match. Tazz keeps calling Batista "Batister". Batista spinebusters Coach and gives Flair the okay to dump Coach ringside. Batista military presses Christian over the ropes and right onto Tomko's head. Flair eliminates Benoit after Batista kills Benoit with a spinebuster. Ric tries to force Batista out but Dave's having none of that. While Flair apologizes, Edge gets the spear and dumps Flair to the mats. The last four participants are Edge, Mysterio, Cena, and Batista. Edge spears Batista and Cena but can't catch Mysterio. He gets Mysterio onto the apron and lightly spears him through the middle rope to send him packing. JR: "Edge is hot! Edge is on a roll!" Edge is covered in mustard! Edge is topped with bacon! Cena and Batista flip Edge over the ropes. With just two men in the ring, dueling chants begin. Their punches are connecting with a nice smacking sound. Cena tries to get Batista out over his shoulders like he did Kane, but Batista puts him in position for the Batista Bomb. When he places Cena over his head, Cena causes him to lose balance and both men flip over the top and tumble ringside.

The Raw refs say Batista wins, the Smackdown refs declare Cena the winner. Vince McMahon comes out and slams his knee into the ring apron, so he has to sit in the ring to announce that the Rumble will continue. The FU is reversed into the spinebuster and Batista wastes no time eliminating Cena decisively. They could've and should've gone a little longer than that at the end.

Just when you think it's all over, there's a long commercial for Alterbridge after the fade-to-black. Gag.

DVD Extras: There's the usual collection of video packages that set up the various matches, a tiny scene after the Rumble where Cena shakes Batista's hand, and a DVD-exclusive backstage skit setting up Long's invite for Batista to join Smackdown. The back of the packaging indicates a bonus match but there's nothing else here.

This was a well-orchestrated Royal Rumble match, as there was always some interesting central action to watch instead of just the usual clusterfuck. Edge/HBK should've been good but wasn't and you could smell Orton's main event status wafting away in the breeze. Do I need to single out Undertaker/Heidenreich? Ashamed of their own advertising, WWE has chosen NOT to include the hilarious West Side Story Royal Rumble ads. Too bad.

This was a disasterpiece by Filmcans.