Commercials: Armageddon is now on DVD. "Those Paul Wights that hit this morning---those were nothing---the size of basketballs and Volkswagens. This new one were tracking is the size of Texas, Mr. President. It's what we call a Global Killer....the end of mankind. Half the world will be incinerated by the heat blast.....the rest will freeze to death in a nuclear winter. Basically, the worst part of the Bible." Also, Rob Van Dam has his own DVD now, apparently featuring over three hours of him walking around the streets of America giving himself R-V-D thumbs.
Please don’t let Kurt Angle suplex you into a glass structure at home.
Bisch Off, You Motherbischer stares at the Elimination Chamber. "Without a doubt one of the most flesh tearing, bone-breaking, punishing environments any professional athlete could find themselves in." He’s talking about Viscera’s rectum. Fake Crimson Tide music plays. Wrong Gene Hackman movie. Shouldn’t they play music from The Chamber? "Now, some people say that Eric Bischoff is sadistic." Still others might say he talks about himself in the first-person.
Now we get the gibberish Attitude intro and we’re live on DVD from San Juan, Puerto Rico on Sunday, January 9th. Ahhh...Pwerrrrrrto Rrrrrrico. There’s a lovely scenic video package of the island with quick-cut images of the Elimination Chamber thrown in for good measure. "Tonight, six men will battle in HELL!" Puerto Rico’s not THAT bad is it? The set is the usual "easy-to-ship" variety that looks a lot like the old Raw is War set, but with the flag of whatever nation they happen to e visiting at the time hanging up beside it. Fireworks come out of it. All those CG dragons give Dennis Quaid a stiffy.
Jim is Truly Outrageous! Truly, Truly, Truly Outrageous is ringside with Say, Where All the White Women At? Ross: "Indeed it is Satan’s structure." Located right between Satan’s Corn Dog 7 and Satan’s Aeropostale.
Peep, Peep, Peep, Eepples and Baneenees and Tyson’s Feeding You Like Family arrive to challenge the Tag Team champs, Joe Cocker and Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong, Where the Regals Fly on the Mountainside. Is that nickname too long? It fit the Joe Cocker thing. Lawler hates retards while JR just tolerates them. Lawler: "Next, he’ll be wearing a crown to the ring." Yes, because only fucking retards would do THAT. Lawler: "He forgot to pay his brain bill." Good one, dude. Five on the side. Regal and Christian start things off. After some back and forth, Eugene is tagged in. Eugene grabs Christian’s tights until Christian falls down and then gives him shitty Junk Yard Dog headbutts on all fours. Tomko is tagged in and Eugene acts afraid. Lawler: "Tattoos used to be a poor man’s way of investing in art but now Tyson Tomko has taken it to a new level." He*d be a millionaire if he could only find some way to sell his shoulders. Christian is back in and Eugene runs around and under the ring. While Christian and Tomko argue with Regal, Eugene runs in behind them getting a two-count on Christian. Eugene gets an airplane spin then rides Christian around the ring like a horsey. Tomko ends the tomfoolery with a sidewalk slam and he’s tagged back in. Powerslam gets Tomko two. With Christian in, Eugene starts his Hulk-Up and tags Regal. Christian bails and Tomko gets all the offense in for a while. Lots of luscious shots of William Regal’s creamy, shaved crotch. Christian busts Regal’s nose.when he returns to the ring and it’s standard Scott Keith "face-in-peril" BS until Eugene is finally hot-tagged in. Eugene blows his knee with a dropkick which doesn’t look particularly painful but his reaction is genuine as he cradles his knee and rocks on his back, barely able to move. Eugene can’t get anymore offense in the shape he’s in, so it’s a weeeeak looking roll-up on Tomko for the win. Nick Dinsmore has a little trouble staying in character as Eugene because his leg is useless. Maybe he didn’t pay his knee bill?
Welcome to Phloston Paradise is enjoying a poolside stroll. Lawler: "I love it when she takes the twins out for a walk like that." I didn’t see DeVito or Schwarzenegger anywhere. Just Christy.
Tomko and Christian run into Brothers Don’t Shake Hands, Brothers Gotta Hug. Edge has an idea they should take to Bischoff. I hope it involves kazoos.
A video package of Lita/Trish makes me miss Trish. You just have to know with Victoria*s heel turn, they*re probably bringing Trish back as a face and that sucks.
Stratos flies down to save Eternia. Evil-Lyn has been up Snake Mountin’. ROFLMAO!!! Goddamm He-Man jokes. They wrestle for a bit, then Lita, Queen of the Blown Spots, fucks her knee up by jumping off the apron. Now that looked painful. Trish wins the Championship with a superkick.
Then All the People Shall Shout With a Great Shout; And the Wall Of the City Will Fall Down Flat, And the People Shall Go Up Every Man Straight Before Him is the longest nickname ever. That’s from the Bible, you heathens, and the first one to snicker at the part about people going up every man before him is going to burn in Hell. Jericho’s psyching himself up for the main event.
Maria, You Gotta See Her is the least tan diva. She sips a cool tropical drink from Miss Elizabeth’s skull. I’M JUST KIDDING! It’s Crash Holly’s skull.
Edge and Christian approach Bischoff to sell him on the idea of letting Christian take over Edge’s spot in the main event because Shawn Michaels won’t be fair to Edge anyway. Eric isn’t convinced. Edges begs him to replace Shawn with another ref. Eric still won’t budge. As Edge leaves the office who should be there but Psalty the Singing Songbook, the most obscure Sunday School reference I promise to make today. Shawn promises to be fair to Edge but will not hesitate to fight back if anything should happen.
Suddenly, there’s a promo for WWE 24/7.
Did Somebody Say Dragons? finds everything is right in the world when CG dragons hover beside your name graphic. Mavin R. Johnson challenges Benjamin for the IC title. Maven looks like a pre-show drag queen. Lawler: "You know me, I love anything royal!" Queer. Maven fears Benjamin. He stalls and stalls and stalls some more. The crowd is loving his heeliness. That’s a new word I made up. He grabs a mic from Lilian and stands on a folding chair. Maven to the crowd: "I DON*T KNOW WHATCHU SAYIN’!!! I DON*T KNOW WHATCHU SAYIN’!!!" This is really funny, actually. Maven: "I’m not sure how many of you speak English so I’m going to talk...real...slow...I don’ know wha--I DON"T KNOW WHATCHI SAYIN’!!!" He’s never been more over than he is right this second. Maven: " I can’t concentarte while each and every one of you are talkin’ all this gibberish." Shelton’s sick of his talking. Maven runs. Maven: "I’m outta here. I am outta here. Shelton, I’ll take on you in the United States of America!" And off he goes. Awesome.
The ref starts a count-out (why now???) And Maven changes his mind and runs back in. Shelton rolls him up the minute Maven enters the ring and gets the win. Maven: "That did not count. That didn’t count, Sheldon. Sheldon, I wanna rematch. Not tomorrow, not next week, right now. Oh yeah, you can beat me when it doesn’t count. And then you take off. I know we got one Woman’s Champion. It appears, now we got two. We got two. You know what? You and Trish?" Crowd sings the Todd Rundgren song. Maven: "You both got a title and neither of you have a set of huevos." Shelton runs in, T-Bone Suplexes him immediately and gets another three-count! That was the coolest squash match ever.
I Mean, I Wanna Squeeze ‘Em is rubbing oil on Christy Hemme’s round little ass. Ugggghhhh, yeeeah. That’s Candace with a dated Liar, Liar reference. And just as it gets too hetero, we cut to Benoit Balls doing sweaty, grunting push-ups in preparation for the Elimination Chamber match. More ass, please.
JR introduces a video package of Hassan and Davari punking out Jerry Lawler. Good for them. Go Arabs. Todd Grisham’s The Chamber interviews Jamie Farr from Cannonball Run II while Does That Make Me Dom DeLouise stands by to nod approvingly. Davari: "Nervous? Nervous? Does this man look nervous?" WTF, English??? And not a trace of an accent either. Hassan: "Puerto Rico isn’t even good enough to be considered a state." Oh, SNAP! Hassan: "Khosrow had his wallet stolen in a restaurant." And he had his SubClub card in there, completely filled up! Bastards. You know Subway won’t even honor those soon...
Muslims go to the ring to take on Everything I Needed to Learn About Ay-Rabs I Learned from Ray Stevens’ Albums. This is an excellent time to go to the concession stand for some fried plantains or agua fresca. Lawler starts with a body and preens around like he just did a 450 Splash from the top of the TitanTron. The weirdest thing about this match is that JR is in King’s corner which means NO ONE is on commentary. I mean, there’s noise, but it’s more like seeing a WWE live show. Hassan and JR argue because JR lost his hat and that distracts Hassan long enough for King to contiune his amazing offense. They show a replay of JR getting his hat knocked off his head. OOOH! SHOW IT AGAIN!!! As a matter of fact, put it in the Raw opening credits montage along with all that footage of Batista standing around the tables backstage drinking bottled water that they show every week! And change Raw’s name to The Dave/Chapeau Show! People will get confused and tune in! This match is awful. As awful as that Dave Chappell joke. Muhammed Hassan wins. JR consoles his King.
Bat-Tista Begins is a stupid nickname. He’s at home among the backstage potted palms. My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys is here to get in Batista’s face over his devotion to Triple H. Orton: "That’s why he recruited you and me. To protect his ass." TIIIIME TO PLAY THE GAAAPE. The seeds of Batista’s face turn are planted here. Soon they will grow into a beautiful plantain tree.
Your Wrestlemania Recall is Shawn Michaels descending from Heaven with Moses and Elijah three days after he "lost his smile" at Calvary.
JR pimps Wrestlemania 21 and says "Loss Sangeles" which is amusing. If I Die Am I Replaced By Woody Harrelson? is another dated nickname. He’s here to assist with commentary. JR to Coach: "How ‘bout you suck on this a little while?" Oh, that’s so fucking sexy.
Uh-oh. It’s the blowoff to the long-running Kane/Snitsky fued. JR: "This will not be wonderful. This will be ugly." The whole miscarriage angle is shown. Snitsky: “The only thing dead around here is your baby.” There’s a weird moment from Raw where Kane is wearing a polo shirt.
First out is I Don’t Just Get Rid of Babies, I OXYCUTE Them. Fire means I Would’ve Made a Better Dad Than Rhodes or Lawler is ready for some revenge. JR: “They’re going downstairs!” God, yes, let me type the words “daisy chain” before the night is through. Snitsky starts things off. Kane sounds like he’s stiffing the crap out if Snitsky. Gene does his weird nose-bridge-rubbing, head-shaking way of selling a move. Kane goes for the cover after some pretty decent looking offense but comes up short. JR: “Kane measuring Snitsky with a straight right hand.” I hope he starts from the back of the balls like I do. It gets you a couple extra inches. The match hasn’t been bad so far but they’re only a couple minutes in and both guys are totally winded. JR: “Smashmouth style!” Hey, now, Gene’s an all-star. Get his game on. Go play. Snitsky pulls back the floor mat outside the ring. He goes for a power bomb but Kane reverses into a backdrop. Both men shamble back to the ring and Kane goes to the top rope and jumps down directly into a kick from Snitsky. Snitsky starts getting all of the offense and the crowd starts to really get into the match. Coach: “You see all the red all over Kane’s body? You know what that is, right? It’s rust. That means he’s rust-EEE!” I don’t get it. This crowd goes crazy as Snitsky puts Kane in a long bear-hug. Kane eventually powers out and starts to chopping. You know how we say “WOOOO!” when someone chops? Well, in Puerto Rico apparently the appropriate response is “oooooh-WAAAH!” Weird. Kane goes for the chokeslam. JR: “This is not a limo ride!” Snitsky escapes the slam and kicks Kane in the head. Kane does the sit-up and Snitsky kicks him again. Another sit-up. This goes on for a bit and Puerto Ricans prove themselves to be the biggest Kane marks in the world. Coach: “I am having a BALL watching this. How ‘bout you?” JR: “I can’t say I’m enjoying this as much as you.” I’m in JR’s camp on this one. Snitsky grabs a chair and starts a 20 yard run towards Kane and gets the big boot for being such a moron. Kane tosses Snitsky back in the ring and starts his attacks. A clothesline from the top rope hits. JR: “Kane looking to score, but this may not be Kane’s night.” Coach: “Lita’s already gonzo!” Does that make Edge Camilla? JR: “Damn man’s a cannibal!” Snitsky tries to eat Kane’s head, Amazon style. Kane is up with the tombstone piledriver and wins the match. If you like power moves, this wasn’t half-bad.
Here’s an ad for The Rise and Fall of ECW. “They turned the wrestling world upside down!” And proved it was upside-downright thick.
King is back on commentary just in time to go poolside. Stacey gets up and leaves as if she’s annoyed about being drooled over by Jerry Lawler. Here’s Maria again, same shot as earlier. Durrr, boobies. Here’s the footage of the Christie/Candace rub down again. Butt cheeks rule. Simon Dean sips a girly drink from a hollowed out pineapple. The music in the background is that shitty Girls Gone Wild synthesized calypso crap. He shoves a tubby guy in the pool. Val Venis puts Stacey on his shoulders. Val: “CHICKENFIGHT!!!” JR: “The last time JR touched a breast was in a Kentucky Fried Chicken box.” Everybody gets all excited like they just noticed they were sitting next to a pool. Christy and Candace give a GIRL POWER high-five! Woooo! Hurricane’s arms twitch uncontrollably when Candace climbs onto his shoulders. Wimp. Lawler: “Do you think a bikini top might COME OFF???” Hurricane drops Candace. Wimp. Keibler drops from Val’s shoulders next. Maria loses her balance on some jobber’s shoulders leaving Christy and Rosie as winners of the CHICKEN FIGHT!!! Five-star classic. JR: “We’re all winners.” At least that’s what my mommy tells me.
Batista stretches backstage and Triple H shows up, all pissed because Batista was talking to Orton like he was going for the gold himself. Ric Flair nods and grins. Flair: “I love you.”
With the Heavyweight Championship belt in hand, Bischoff comes out to introduce the Elimination Chamber concept to the crowd. That was quick. I hope everyone reading knows how these matches work because I don’t feel like explaining it.
I’m Just A Sexy Foot Locker Employee, I’m Not Your Boy Toy shimmies on down. On This Day I See Clearly (Despite All the Smoke and the Fact I’m Wearing Dark Sunglasses) hasn’t reached his full potential as a heel but he will soon. Edge gives Michaels the staredown. Shawn laughs it off. You Think Spitting Water is Cool? You Should See Me at Parties spits some damn water. Orton Hears a Hoo is so sassy. Lawler: “He does look like a hungry dog.” BACONBACONBACONBACONBACON! A Crappy Peter Weller Movie is Leviathan, the Animalbatista. JR: “Batista is a F-O-N! Freak-Of-Nature!” Batista gives Orton the evil eye. JR: “Four men have entered their crystal chambers.” There’s a Final Fantasy joke in there somewhere, I just know it. Baby, I’m Your Judas and I’m Your Priest. I’m Rob Halford Then, I Guess beats his chest like Tarzan. Patches is Wolverine’s alter-ego. Yeah, it sounds like a Pound Puppy but Chris Claremont’s to blame. Benoit and Jericho are the first ones in tonight. They lock-up for an eternity and then trade ferocious chops. JR calls the sharpshooter a crossface. JR: “I’ll get it right here.” They take turns reversing finishers. Neckbreaker gets Jericho two. The crowd chants for Shawn Michaels because they’re just plain weird. Benoit gives Jericho a superplex from the top rope. The countdown starts and Triple H ends up the first man released from his chamber. Trip dominates both his opponents, but Jericho recovers first. Lawler: “He’s gonna wind up like Ichabod Crane!” Benoit is tossed to the steel platform outside by HHH and Trip follows to rub Benoit’s face into the cage. He’s busted open now, but Triple H can’t get a pin. Jericho is back on HHH and reverses a pedigree onto the steel platform outside the ring. Jericho: “Shut up, Michaels!” Benoit gives Jericho a wake-up call with a shot across the throat. The count-down starts again and the next one in is Edge. Edge goes after all three men. Lawler: “He wants to spear everyone inside!” Jericho is the first to fight back with a dropkick but goes for the cover on Triple H. It doesn’t get three. Edge catapults Jericho into the wall of chain. Triple H tries the pedigree on Edge but Edge reverses into another catapult. Benoit gets pinned by Edge but it’s too early for an ending. Jericho is bleeding all over the place. Jericho covers Edge for a two-count. JR: “Jericho rocking the game!” If you see The Game a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’. Everyone is in pretty bad shape right now. Triple H nails a pedigree on Jericho. The countdown starts anew and Randy Orton is released to compete. He immediately goes after Triple H with his ridiculous fake punches. Jericho gets an RKO when he tries to get in the mix. Benoit counters an RKO with the Crossface. Triple H comes over to make fun of Orton and Benoit can’t resist releasing Orton and putting Trip in the sharpshooter. This gives Orton the RKO he wanted earlier. Edge sets up for a spear on Orton but Orton ducks and Edge spears Michaels instead. With Michaels down, Edge tries again and gets the spear but now there’s no ref to count Orton out. Edge manhandles Shawn to get him to recover but that pisses Shawn off and he gives Edge a superkick for groping him. This allows Jericho the pin and Edge is the first man out.
Triple H wants to give Jericho the pedigree but Benoit grabs him from behind and gets the rolling Germans. Chris Benoit climbs a crystal chamber and gets a killer suicide headbutt. While Benoit rolls around in pain, Jericho grabs Triple H up into the Walls of Jericho. The last countdown hits and Batista is finally released. He tosses everyone outside except for Orton and Triple H and gives Orton a spinebuster. Trip and Batista give each other a staredown which allows everyone to climb back in and start working on Batista. In a cool looking spot, Batista press slams Jericho into the cameraman. Orton starts with the fake punches again. I hate Randy Orton. JR: “The Game measuring Jericho.” If he’s too small you’ll have to throw him back. Jericho gives HHH a bulldog on the platform and it gets HHH bleeding. Benoit goes after Batista and gets a powerbomb in return. Jericho runs after Dave and he gets powerbombed too, on top of Benoit. Batista rolls Jericho off Benoit’s body and is able to get three, eliminating the Rabid Wolverine.
Batista continues his attack on Jericho while Orton and Triple H trade offense. Jericho gets the shit powerbombed out of him and he’s the next one to be pinned. Guess what Orton does? If you said he starts throwing fake looking punches, you’d be right. The members of Evolution start working Orton over, trading beat-downs. They take turns trying to pin him but they can’t keep him down. Orton gets his second wind and starts with the fake punches on both attackers. Batista sets up a powerbomb but Orton gives Dave’s nuts a wake-up call and flies up for an RKO. Triple H waits in the corner for Randy to pin Batista, leaving Triple H and Randy Orton as the last two in the ring.
Orton starts slamming Trip into the cage over and over. He poses for an RKO and gets his finisher. Flair sneaks in as the cage is open to let Batista out, distracting Michaels away from counting to three for Triple H’s pin and allowing Batista to run back in for a quick clothesline on Orton. Once everyone recovers from those shenanigans, Triple H gets a pedigree on Orton and retains his title. Batista carries around HHH on his shoulders as Ric Flair prances about.
DVD EXTRAS: There are video packages for the chamber itself plus the Kane/Snitsky feud lead-up. You can also watch brief interviews with the main event participants but there’s nothing worth noting here other than they all look absolutely beat-up.
The main event was good and Kane vs. Snitsky was passable but the rest of the card was weak. I’d recommend the Elimination Chamber match but not the whole DVD.