I like DVD’s. They’re cheaper than ordering the pay-per-views and you get great commercials that are on every single release and you can’t chapter skip past them which is really outstanding. “Yes, it is sports entertainment, but the action is real…” Action? Did they even watch Raw last week?

Commercials: If you like WWE, you’ll love WWE on video. Buy Royal Rumble on DVD because it has Undertaker vs. Heidenreich in a casker match. Okay. Buy Rob Van Dam: One of a Kind because you can never get enough split-legged moon salt in your diet. Rob says “The place went nuts. That for me was a very special moment,” with the stern conviction of someone asking for no mayo. Buy Fozzy’s new album so stores can make room on their shelves for better albums.

This DVD is rated TV-14. That means you could probably masturbate to it but it doesn’t contain any nudity.

“Tonight for the first time ever, two men will step inside a barb wire steel cage (crazy evil announcer voice: “A demonic creation!”) fighting not only for their survival (crazy evil announcer voice: “Built for torment!”) but for the WWE Championship. How can a society so advanced create a structure so barbaric?” Because if they didn’t put barb wire around it Big Show could just throw his leg over the top of the cage and leave? “At the root of our nature (“ANIMALS!”), we possess primal instincts. To survive. To destroy.” And also to seek shelter and procreate but I see they’re skipping those here tonight.

And so it begins. The set looks a little like a roller coaster. Fireworks come out of it. Cole: “Hanging high above the ring—the EVIL steel cage!” There are some truly shitty fan signs tonight including one that reads “PMS”, another “Stupid JBL”, and a weird “619” sign where the “1” runs from the very top edge of the sign to the bottom making it look like he’s holding up two separate signs that together read “69”.

Color Me Smackdown alongside My Boyfriend Got Me This Tie on commentary, live on DVD from the Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Tazz: “We’ll be in the ‘Steel City’ which tonight should be called, tonight I think it should be called ‘Barb Wire City’! “ Cole: “Or the “Steel Cage City’!”

Super Barrio Mothers vs. Are You Sure Those Are Your Pants? and Yeah, I Wrote My Name In Mine for the Smackdown Tag Team titles. Tazz and Cole get so excited they name every Latino wrestler they can think of. Tazz: “These two are like brothers. They’re super-tight, super-close” Cole: (stupid over the top accent) “They’re COMPADRES!” The previous Thurday before No Way Out, Smackdown audiences were treated to the very match they are now paying $50 for. Tazz: “They’re super-close!” Yeah, I got it. Super-close. Tazz: “I love Austria, you know that. Germany. Austria. I love Austrian pancakes.” Guerrero and Danny to start. Danny points to his bathing suit area and says “S-O-D!” which is about as intimidating as a tuna can. A lock-up and series of weak reversals lead Eddie to begin working Danny’s leg. Mysterio’s tagged in and almost immediately covers for two after some weak-looking offense. Doug is tagged in. Double team heel trickery ensues. Eddie’s back in with a little more hustle than Rey. A huracanrana tosses Doug outside who returns to the ring pissed and starts serving back what Eddie’s been dishing. Tazz: “Doug didn’t want any of Eddie Guerrero’s hot dog.” Well, he prefers Hebrew National, really. Tag back to Danny which seems a little dopey since Doug was getting in some decent offense. Danny gets Eddie in, according to Tazz, the “Kris Kross” choke. The Mac Daddy make you, jump, jump. Cole: “It’s easy to apply this hold when a man’s on his knees.” You would know, Mike. “EDDIE!” chants lead to a backdrop from Guerrero. Doug is tagged in and does about a dozen elbow drops onto Eddie’s cabeza. Doug shouts and points to his crotch again but even that can’t get a three-count. Decent scoop slam from Doug gets two, but Mysterio makes the save. Doug tries a headbutt from the top rope, but, mister, even Benoit misses that and you are NO Benoit. Rey is tagged in and goes to town, back and forth between the two brothers. Mysterio with a cross body gets two. Cole calls Rey’s face-buster a DDT. Rey with another two-count against Doug, this time with Danny breaking the count. Danny and Doug switch places because it’s their gimmick, not because it fits this particular moment in the match. Eddie protests, which means the ref’s back is turned, which means Rey is the receiver of a good, old-fashioned beat-down. Tazz: “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” I rewound this a couple times to try and figure out what the fuck he was referring to here. Danny gets Rey in a full nelson but lowers him onto the floor for a gut wrench. Doug points at his nuts some more as Rey elbows out of the hold. Guerrero clips Danny with an elbow as he passes by the ropes, leading the ref into his corner again so the heels can work Mysterio over. Tazz: “What’s good for the goose is good for the…wha?…The pot’s not black now with the kettle?…How’d that go?” Cole: “The pot calling the kettle black.” Tazz: “Yeah.” Tazz knows what he means. I sure as hell don’t. Rey tries for the tag as Danny successfully attempts a submission hold on Rey’s leg. Doug is tagged in. Everytime one of the Bashams start to get in some offense they tag out. Smart. Rey gets a nice-looking moonsault of the top putting Doug out for two. Danny tagged back in. That was quick. Danny applies a head vice to Mysterio as Mysterio keeps struggling for the tag. Guerrero uses two tag ropes to give himself more tagging distance but Brian Hebner calls Shenanigans. Danny lets Rey go for no apparent reason and tags in Doug. Idiots. The Bashams do their kind-of two man version of the X-Factor, but SUPER-CLOSE friend, Eddie, makes sure it only gets a two-count. This somehow gives Rey an incredible burst of energy as we runs around kicking and flipping both Bashams all over the ring. And the caliente tag to Guerrero, finally. “EDDIE!” chants soar as Guerrero makes good with the high-intesity dropkicks and shoulder blocks and clotheslines. Eddie goes OLD SCHOOL and gets himself an arm drag and a leg scissor in unison on both Bashams from the top rope. Two on Danny, but Doug breaks it up. Danny gets two. A double vertical is stopped by Mysterio but Eddie holds on to Danny and turns it into a roll-up getting another two-count. Eddie wants to use the tag belts as a weapon and Mysterio tries to talk him out of it. Eddie concedes and attempts a frog splash but it just ain’t happening. Eddie decides to lay out on the mat and tricks Doug into thinking he’s winded due to the missed splash, getting ANOTHER two-count roll-up in the process. Tazz: “That was so close!” Yeah, but was it…SUPER-CLOSE??? Danny tries a hot potato belt toss hoping for a DQ win but Eddie hands it off to Doug. The ref argues with Danny while Rey passes the other belt to Eddie who clocks Doug while Hebner’s back is turned. Rey gives the 619 to Danny and Eddie wins it with a belt-shot making them your NEW WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPEENS! Eddie’s probably not as emotional winning the belt here as he was, say, this time last year…Cole makes sure to remind us that our new champs are not white people.

Backstage Teddy Blaxpin tells a nodding guy with a headset “I’m gonna have a good night tonight, player.” The guy must be an X-Box Live player. He orders the headset player to provides only the best meal the vending machines at Mellon Arena can buy. Tonight, Batista shall feast on Cool Ranch Doritos and blueberry fried pies!!! Carlito’s Carribean Way enters with the fictional wife of a fictional member of the WWE board of directors. Because everybody knows women can’t be on the board of directors. Mrs. Rodriguez: “I thought Rey Mysterio and Eddie Gurrero was winning the tag titles was very exciting.” Speak much? Long: “Enjoy the rest of the show. It’s shizzle-fizzle.” Carlito: “Yeah, shizzle and all that stuff…” Long is supposed to be fired if he doesn’t sign Batista but, based on the shows following this, they apparently forgot to do it.

It’s the first round of the Smackdown Rookie Diva of the Year Contest! The Botoxic Avenger and The Greatest Torrie Ever Sold wave hello to the people who paid to watch wrestling. They join Tazz and Cole on commentary. Dawn’s looking better than Torrie these days, her breasts look almost natural. Torrie has maybe the worst theme song in the company. Plumber’s Smile is out first in the evening gown portion of what threatens to be a three-part competition throughout the night. Giovanni according to the bio graphic is a “special friend of the Big Show”. You might even say they’re super-close. Dawn: “Honey, I’d like to say I’ve lead a very adventurous life.” Torrie: “Riiiiiight.” The New Betty Boop spazzes her way down the aisle. Dawn: “ I thought she’s just jumping around. Like, what is this, the new Betty Boop?” Barbie’s Smarter forces a smile and preens on down. McHot Side Hot, McCool Side Cool acts all shocked to be here. Dawn: “What is this? Like, school teachers are entering now?” Obligatory “WE WANT PUPPIES” sign. Try the pound, asshole. Joy shows her butt crack and makes kissy-faces. Rochelle blows kisses and attempts to be sexy. Lauren sticks her fragile, bony skeleton arms in the air and does her best blonde-headed toothpick impression. Michelle gives hip wiggles and waves at fans like she’s spotting people she recognizes out in the crowd. Torrie: “I think Dawn’s safe. Nobody’s slutty enough for her.” Ah, the irony of the Mellon arena sinks in. Cole: “We still have two more competitions tonight!” Dawn: “Yay.”

The Wrestlemania 21 Pulp Fiction ad is shown in its entirety. It’s all right. What’s with the lack of a muzzle flash at the end though?

Shots of the Mellon Arena. Tazz: “Believe me, it’s freezing out here!” Cole: “That’s why they call this place ‘The Igloo’!” Tazz: “They should call it ‘The Freezing Pittsburg….uh..sumpin’…”

Heidensiek versus Bastion Booker. Poetry to start. It’s too dull to repeat here. Booker apparently searches for the meaning of this match in the palm of his gloved hand as he enters. Heidenreich with fake punches aplenty. Fake punches won’t get three. Booker starts with the loud chops across the chest of Heidenreich. Heidenreich slaps around at imaginary gnats. He shouts at the entrance ramp. “HUH? I’M NOT CRAZY!” Booket T slams Heidenreich against the steel steps and sells it by looking at the ceiling and sticking his tongue out like a cartoon character who’s seeing stars. A couple chops and a kick and Booker still can’t get three. Tazz: “The road to Wrestlemania starts now!” No. Heidenreich licks both of his forearms. Heidenreich locks Booker’s arm behind his head but Booker fights out. A big boot and another two-count from Heidenreich. Tazz: “It takes a lot to take out a man like Booker T.” He always orders the lobster. Heidenreich: “I DON’T LIKE HIM! I DON’T LIKE HIM!” Oh, yeeeeeah, that’s the reason for this match. Well, there ya go then. Heidenreich: “SHUT UP! I TOOK MY PILLS!” Some guy in a jersey keeps standing up and dancing like a moron everytime he sees himself on the TitanTron. Heidenreich: “C’MON! MEDICINE!” Spinebuster from Booker T takes everything out of both of them as they struggle to their feet. Booker gets all the offense for a second, which naturally leads to a spinarooni. Booker misses his finisher but gets ‘Reich right into the bookend. Heidenreich delivers wimpy elbows to Booker’s head, breaking up the move but leading right back into more offense from Booker. Heidenreich goes outside and jabs Booker in the throat with a chair, losing the match by DQ because he’s carr-ay-zay. The fans boo. I guess they wanted to see more. Not me. But the fans prevail as ‘Reich won’t take DQ for an answer and rolls Booker into the ring for the pin. Heidenreich: “I WON! I BEAT HIM! I BEAT HIM! YOU CHEAT! I WIN!” This goes on forever as ‘Reich makes his way out of the arena. He points at the fans telling them he beat them, attempts to climb the No Way Out set, thinks better of it, and gets startled by a different part of the set. Quite an exit.

Headset Player has made good on his job by providing Batista with a shitload of bottled water and non-dairy creamer. Yum.

Charlie and the Jobber Factory are backstage congratulating Rey and Eddie. Bob Holly smacks the shit out of everyone’s chest in the way that only a congratulatory asshole jock can. I Thought I Was Untouchable Until You Smacked The Crap Out Of My Chest, Bob comes in to to celebrate. Eddie asks for a moment alone with Cena and Haas and company (Holly, Rey, and Dr. 2 Hottie) oblige. Eddie gives Cena the heartfelt “I-was-champ-once-and-I-know-how-hard-you’ve-worked-to-get-here” speech but it doesn’t work like it’s supposed to and leaves the viewer sad for Eddie and not really pumped up for Cena.

It’s now time for the six-man elimination for the Cruiserweight Champion of the world. A fat guy in a bad suit just announced it. The rules are a little funky for this as it’s like a mini-Royal Rumble with each man drawing a number to determine order of entry. First out is A Friend With Fringe Benefits. He RUNS to the ring because he’s afraid that with all that fur someone might mistake him for a tiny bear and shoot him. Do My Pink and Purple Leotards Make Me Look Gay? enters, attempting to counter-act the grape greatness of his tights by wearing a muy macho black bandana. Golf claps for all the fans. The Fresh Prince Of Bel Punk looks gorgeous. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Dick’s Van Dyke enters with a cheap heat Patriots’ jersey. Ah-key-i-e-i-ooooh! is called a “dark horse” by Cole. Girls Just Wanna Have Funaki is your WWE Cruiserweight Champion. London and Funaki to start. Well, I guess that means Funaki ain’t winning this. Mule kicks and bulldogs aplenty. It’s like an afternoon at the world’s crappiest zoo. Funaki out, Spike in. Spike looks like he’s been lifting weight. OH HO HO HO! * cough * Spike unleashes on London with his petite fists! While the ref’s back is turned in heated conversation with Shannon Moore about how CBGB’s has lost a lot of indy cred by booking pop acts, Funaki kicks Spike giving London the win. Shannon Moore’s next and immediately goes for two, three times in a row. London wins with his cool-looking somersault finisher which I don’t know the name of. I’ll call it The London Broil. Akio prances into the mix and thinks a clotheline will finish this off. Nope. Two. Ah, Cole just said the name of the finisher was the 450 splash. I liked mine better. Akio gets London in a variation of the tarantula but isn’t able to hold it long enough to make it worthwhile. Jersey dude in the crowd needs to sit his ass down. Akio’s getting almost all the offense here. Tazz: “He’s trying to get a suplex off the tippie-top.” Cute. Let’s make cutesy names for the parts of the ring because all the cruisers are just so tiny and child-like. London climbs the top turnsy-wurnsy buckle and gives a wicked neck breaker to Akio. It’s good enough to make at least four people chant “Ho-lee-shit! Ho-lee-shit!”. Chavo gets happy because he thinks both competitors will get counted out as they roll around on the mat in pain. Akio is eliminated after the 10-count as London struggles to his feet. Guerrero takes advantage of London’s daze and gets some good licks in to start. Tazz: “You zert a loddanergy when you kick out free times.” I swear to God that’s what he said. Lots of back and forth two-counts between London and Ooh Chavo. Someone has a sign that only says “Chain”. London does his hulk-up and gets a fresh burst of unstoppable energy. Well, at least for a second. A series of roll-ups and Chavo “stole the match”, according to Cole, making him the new-but-not-virginal Cruiserweight champ. London looks like he needs his mommy to pick him up from the arena right now.

A replay of the Batista/JBL mini-feud is shown. You know, in retropsect, maybe the Batista/JBL feud wasn’t the best way to promote John Cena’s Wrestlemania 21 match…

Backstage, Hamfists of Fury awaits death at the hands of Satan’s evil, horrible, demonic, evil, sinister, really bad playground. Cole: “The steel cage has no friends, only enemies, here at No Way Out tonight.”

Your Wrestlemania Recall is the Gimmick Battle Royale. The Royale with cheese.

Oh, Jesus. I almost forgot about rookie Divas. Yes, It’s time for PART TWO!!! THE TALENT COMPETITION!!! A vacuum is created in the arena as fans run for nachos. First up, Screech. Dawn: “This is going to be interesting.” Torrie: “Yeah?” Dawn nods: “Interesting.” Improv gods. Joy’s talent is “massage” but the way she speaks threatens to call down horny pterodactyls from the rafters. I’d say her talent is “not talking”. She gives Torrie the most dick-shrinking massage that two barely dressed hotties can give each other. Tazz and Cole are eerily silent. Dawn: “I can give a better rub than that! That was pathetic!” She’s so right. Torrie: “And if you don’t believe Dawn, just ask any one of the guys in the back.” OOOH, BUUURRRN! Brown-Haired Tits goes for the Foley cheap pop. Rochelle: “Okay, so I’m gonna tell a couple jokes. Ha ha ha. How do you make a Kleenex dance? YOU PUT A LITTLE BOOGEY IN IT!!!” Christ, I think Bazooka Joe better start looking for a new job. Thank you, Dawn, for taking her fucking microphone away. Blonde-Haired Tits knows how to dance. Lauren: “All right…DJ, HIT THE MUSIC!!!” And the music sounds suspiciously like “Highway to the Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins. I think that DJ is the same one that did my prom. Her “dancing” includes taking her shirt off and chewing gum. She’s looks like a cheerleader for the Muppet Show. Dawn: “Honey? Don’t quit your day job.” Yeah, people need their chicken wings, Lauren. DING! ORDER UP! Arch Deluxe steps up and basically admits she has no talent but would like to shut Dawn Marie up. The crowd cheers McCool. Are you kidding me? Dawn is so much the face here to me. McCool bodyslams Dawn Marie and the face Divas all stand around Dawn in a circle and laugh. “Voting is now open!!!” Oh, go to hell. I think Michelle McCool will win because she looks like a McMahon. Get it? GET IT??? Aw, nevermind.

Another ad for the RVDVD. He sure can flip. Yes, sir.

Jushin Hawk Bradshaw Ligerfield is in the back with Okay, So I Wasn’t Necessarily Tough Enough. JBL always looks like he’s had too much sodium the night before. He gives his standard decent promo. JBL: “This body is temporary. This championship is eternal.” Eternal Champions. Only on Sega Genesis.

I Was In “The Girl Next Door”! (w/ I Know, Dude) make their way to the ring to await the arrival of I’m The One That Made DDP Famous, And For That, I Am Deeply Sorry. Jindrak seems a lot angrier than Reigns for some reason. Chill, man, it’s not even your match. The ref throws Jindrak out. We get a replay of the Undertaker getting bopped upside the head with a TV camera by Luther Reigns last week. I guess that’s reason enough for a pay-per-view extravaganza. Luther, you should really stop plucking your eyebrows. Tazz: “Luther Reigns has been in the joint.” Insert Rob Van Dam joke here. They start with a lot of the same kicky, fake-punchy, shoulder-blocky offense that has been the standard tonight. Taker goes for two after the amazing, high risk big boot. A little early for the Old School but the quicker this is over with the better, I guess. Reigns takes the cover off the turnbuckle but whatever he was planning to do quickly becomes another “right hand” festival as the punches and knee lifts drive the crowd into a nacho-grabbing frenzy. Clothesline gets two for Reigns. How many times has that happened tonight? Plus, I have JBL to look forward to, so I know I’ll be typing that again soon. Cole: “The Undertaker is not one to go to medical facilities.” Finally, the turnbuckle spot as Reigns is irish-whipped into it. Reigns asks for mercy after a leg drop off the ring apron from ‘Taker leaves him dazed. Luther goes for the low blow and smacks ‘Takers head into the exposed corner. “Un-Der-Tay-Ker” chants begin. Cole: “This crowd has been alive all night.” Yeah, but awake? Reigns gets ‘Taker in a pretty mean-looking single-legged Boston crab variation. Undertaker fights off with the right hands. More right hands. ENOUGH WITH THE AIR-WHIFFING PUNCHES ALREADY! Clothesline gets two. Kickout by Reigns. See. I told you I’d type it again. A shoulder tackle from Reigns gets two. Pretend punches continue. Tazz: “Nice heiney.” Actually, I think he said “high knee” but it’s funnier that way. Cole’s like “What a clothesline!” and I’m like “What? A clothesline?” This is the worst match of the night and that’s almost profound in its meaning. Leg drop gets two for ‘Taker. I can’t remember being so happy to see the chokeslam. Reigns reverses the tombstone into a neckbreaker so I guess they keep going because that gets two. Taker reverses a second neckbreaker with a DDT and goes for his finisher a second time. And they lived happily ever after. Boo. Tazz: “Extremely physical confrontation by both these boheemoffs.” It’s behemoths, Tazz.

Peanut M & M Head is anxiously awaiting the arrival of Theanimalbatista.

They show the Basic Instinct promo. It’s still my favorite.

Cole: “Thank God, Torrie’s back!” After that match, I think he’s 100% correct. It’s 2005 Rookie Smackdown Diva Competition Showdown of the Century Part III!!! There’s a crisp, new one-dollar bill on the line here, ladies! Dawn Marie refuses to come out. Damn. Big Show’s Special Friend is wearing an over-sized jersey. Oh. It’s bikini time. I know I’m wearing mine! Burn in (Roc)hell(e) slaps hands down the ramp. Fantastic Plastic Machine creates a hollow whistling sound as she smiles blankly. Max Rebo’s Oboe Player looks like Mary Lou Retton on the rack. Torrie: “And don’t forget, you’re trying to make the audience vote for you.” Joy makes her tan booty stripper-wiggle. Papa Giovanni weeps. Rochelle forgot to bring her hips to the competition. Better run home and grab ‘em, sweetie. Lauren Jones shows us that she has long legs and the ass of a 1980’s fitness model. Michelle McCool goes for the crowd-pleasing “Hogan Ears” and gets a pop before she ever disrobes. She removes her shawl and, knowing she has no sexiness, does a backflip instead to wow us with an incredible display of elementary gymnastic skills. Torrie: “I have a feeling this is going to be a tough decision.” Yes, because they all suck. Joy gets wolf-whistles and cat-calls. Rochelle gets booed. Lauren gets a mixed reaction. McCool gets the biggest pop. Uh. All right. The internet fans vote for Joy Giovanni. That’s fine as long as she stays the hell away from a PA system.

It’s a replay of the tournament that leads up to our next match, Pork Medallions vs. Blackened Whitefish. Wow, it’s really great that John Cena is a fan of every single sports team EVER. This is the number one contender’s match for Wrestlemania. They lock-up and Cena seems pissed right away, making this match already a thousand times better than Cena/JBL’s WM21 blow-off. Taz: “You wanna dance with the girl what brought ya to the dance.” I’ve never heard anything more gay in descrbing Kurt Angle. Cole: “Kurt Angle once again measuring his man.” I take that back. Angle does a lot of mat work here and seems to be playing off like he doesn’t perceive Cena as a threat. In fact, he’s barely sweaty. “ANGLE SUCKS!” Confident headlocks from Angle leave Cena struggling to work in some offense. Cena gets a little in and is able to do some outside brawling to take Angle out of his element. Cena goes for an early FU but drops Kurt who runs out of the ring to recoup. He’s starting to sweat now. I’d love to have the glandular control of Kurt Angle. Angle suplexes Cena into the corner turnbuckles. That should have looked sicker than it did. Snap suplex gets three one counts. Sloppy backbreaker gets two. A mild “ANGLE” chant starts. Feeling like he’s sufficiently worked Cena down, he starts with the submissions again. Cena gets in the first realistic punches of the night. His jabs earn him a set of rolling Germans from Angle setting up the pin but Cena gets the leg up. Tazz: “He almost wasn’t gonna go to Wrestlemania.” Because ‘Scorpion King’ was coming on Sci-Fi and Cena somehow always misses it. It’s a little more of the same as Angle works the submission, Cena fights out, and gains more punches. Cole: “That’s vintage Kurt Angle.” Cole then spits the Angle into a little cup and cleanses his palate with a whole-grain cracker and brie. A spinebuster gains Cena a two-and-three-quarters-count. Cena tries to come up with a plan but this isn’t the best place to think, especially when Kurt takes advantage of an opportunity to deliver more rolling Germans. It’s like watching the same match twice in one match! A well-executed tilt-a-whirl from Cena gets another almost-three. Tazz: “We’ve all seen Cena out here, uh, uh, uh, uh, hot dog, and, uh, donut time...” WHAT? Cena reverses the Angle Slam into a DDT. A funky looking, too tentative FU flows into an ankle lock from Kurt. The lock only lasts a moment as the sheer, unbridled power of Cena’s leg flings Angle through the ropes and outside the ring. I hate that spot. Cole: “What a counter!” Thanks, we’re redecorating. Cena does a leg drop from the top rope but, alas, only gets two. Cena no-sells a kick to the face so he can get off his finisher. The (stupid) crowd goes wild but it’s another near-fall and Angle’s back up again. Kurt starts REALLY going to town on Cena’s left knee now. Off go the shoulder straps and on goes the ankle lock. Kurt won’t let go despite Cena’s struggle to the ropes and when Cena pushes Kurt off of him, Kurt bumps the ref who apparently passes out because he’s never fallen down before. “HBK! HBK!” Angle gets Cena’s necklace and prepares to use it but it’s another FU and the match is over quickly. Angle lets out his anger on perfectly innocent steel steps.

Here’s a shot of the empty couches that Theanimalbatista is currently not sitting on. Pleather.

The cage begins to lower as Cole and Tazz wax nostalgic over the Royal Rumble three-way. That means it’s time for After WM21 I Will Lose My Belt to come out and gaze at the cage like he’s never seen chain-link before. After WM21 I Will Loosen My Belt enters with slow intensity. The rules are stupid, as they don’t have to escape to win, thus negating any reason to top it in razor wire. Cole can’t wait a full 10 seconds into the match without describing Big Show’s hands. After some give and take, JBL searches for a hole in the barb wire that’ll do the least damage if he needs to escape. Show grabs him off the ropes and gets two. Show chops the shit out of Bradshaw. Big Show bleeeeeds after he gets a facefull of cage. JBL grabs the tag rope to use as a weapon. Big Show slows down due to lack of blood. You can imagine how slow that is. “RVD! RVD!” Guys, Rob’s at home tonight smoking grass and reading Nightwing trade-paperbacks. The Bashams and Orlando Jones run out and the Bashams try to create a hole in the mesh with bolt cutters. Teddy Long moseys on out and tells them to “get to stepping”. JBL gets to goose-stepping. The Bashams leave their bolt cutters in the ring so JBL uses them as a weapon instead of trying to continue cutting a hole. CLOTHESLINE GETS TWO! The Prophecy is Fulfilled! JBL is bleeding all over the place but I’m not really sure why. Show gets the chokeslam and two. A low blow and a big boot get JBL another two-count. JBL takes the cutters to the barb wire and starts to create a hole for himself but Show’s back up for more. Big Show bounces Bradswhaw’s head over and over into the top of the cage. A chokeslam from the top sends JBL through the mat, ruining a perfectly good canvas. Another half-hearted “HOL-EE-SHIT!” chant begins. They’ve used Cena’s necklace to lock them in and Show tries his damndest to break the chain. It’s a MASTER LOCK! HAW HAW! He breaks the chain like any unstoppable monster would. Big Show leaves the cage and WINS?!?! Nope. JBL has rolled out from under the entire ring before Show made it out, marking this as the stupidest possible ending for this particular match. JBL retains the title. Even the announcers sound genuinely confused. Show rolls JBL back into the ring after the cage lifts for a little more abuse as we anticipate the hot arrival of ORLANDO JORDAN! Just kidding. I meant to say THE BASHAM BROTHERS!!!

Over-booked and ready for action, Go Bye-Bye! Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya! Hightails it down the ramp looking to DESTROY CABINET! And just in case you wanted more people to run around and fake punch and yell, John Cena comes a-cussin’ his way ringside. Cena delivers a spinebuster to JBL through some production equipment. Man, his discipline is unforgiven. Sometimes it leaves me in the defensive position. Batista and Cena compare how imaginary cumberbunds might look around their mid-sections at this year’s spring ball. Cole: “Will it be Batista, John Cena, JBL in a triple threat match for the WWE title at Wrestlemania?” Sorry, no.

The End.

The Extras on this disc are the promotional spots they showed on Smackdown leading up to the event. There’s also a Dupree/Suzuki vs. Haas/Holly match but TNM already covered it recently in a Heat re-beak. Fozzy has included a music video for “Enemy” along with a quick but lame making-of. The video is about a guy in a wheelchair that falls out of his chair and climbs to the top of a building to hear Chris Jericho sing, passing ex-girlfriends and spooky father figures along the way. “Moving/You’re living off my sweat/Moving/The Devil’s on my back” It’s not good. Fozzy band dude: “It’s all hardcore Fozzy.” Fucka-fucka-fucka! Jericho lip synchs VERY BADLY! He has no idea what to do with his arms when he’s fake-singing.

Please don’t buy this DVD like I did.