I was there, baby. I know the score. Wall-to-wall Rey Mysterio fans and plenty of warm beer.

It could only be...WWE NO MERCY!

And it was kind of awful.

I arrived at the Toyota Center "early" with my good buddy Julian. I decided to show my support for JBL by wearing the only WWE shirt that I owned, the Judgment Day Cena/JBL little black number. All the boys thought I was the belle of the ball. Julian committed an atrocious FASHION FAUS PAX by wearing a "Legend of Zelda" shirt, hoping that would earn him the same amount of geek cred as a beat-up old Wolfpac T-Shirt. OH HO NO, MY FRIEND! While I blended perfectly in with the 75 kabillion 9-year olds in Rey Mysterio masks and the handful of fat rednecks in old camo rattlesnake Austin shirts, Julian seemed ALMOST NORMAL.

Being a fashion Maven (Huffman), I accessorized my outift brilliantly with my Dad's big-ass, expensive digital camera around my neck. I could only imagine the joy that the tens of tens of Weekly Visitor readers would get from my high-res photos of Simon Dean and "Cowboy" Bob "Orton". Now, if you glance down the page, you will notice there are no photos accompanying this LIVE FROM THE STREETS BREAKING NEWS REPORT WV.COM EXCLUSIVE. That's because the big fat, fat fatty security fat told me that my camera was (and I quote, hence the quotes) "professional grade" and I had to take it back to the car. Luckily, Julian parked about four miles away, which put us returning to the arena about a millisecond before the show actually began. Next time, Mr. Security Guard, if that is your REAL name, I will make sure I bring a really shitty camera. Maybe one of those great Fisher Price jobs from K*B Toys that plays "London Bridge is Falling Down" when I push that giant pastel button, y'know, the one with a flower embossed on it?

Our seats are in section C108. There are two signs when we enter, one for sections 101-109 and one for 107-111. Now anyone that has a basic grasp of math can see that our section is apparently in two different places. I go with my gut instinct, since it is my largest organ, and head towards the 107 set. I AM SO WRONG. Our seats are a little further over than that in "The Clubhouse".

"The Clubhouse" is swank. So swank that Julian and I think there has to have been some mistake. There's concession stands carved from dark walnut and sumptuous red carpet under foot. The snacks are not the typical hot dog and giant pretzel variety but grilled turkey paninis and chocolate layer cake. Not only is the food on the uppity-up, the waitstaff are WHITE. I'll let that sink in. A Houston stadium concession stand with nary a minority to be found. Kerwin would approve.

Our seats were grrrreat. The best seats I've ever had for a WWE show. I immediately regretted not making a sign because it absolutely would have made it on television. I had this really funny acronym planned out. Get this: JBL's initials running down the left side, then I write "UST A", "IG", and "OSER" beside the initals! Funny, right? It's okay to LOL! The No Mercy set looked like criss-crossing boomerangs made from glowsticks.

After we found our seats, we dodged out to grab merchandise. I got the Peep Show T, while Julian picked up the shirt for the event. While we were waiting to buy our clothes, I heard Regal's music, and, by the time we were through, that particular match was over.

BRIT KNEE SPEARS & ONE BIRCH HILL vs. LONDON CALLING & KENDRANGER KENDRICK

Regal and Burchill won. I heard London botched something and Regal got hurt, but we missed it.

RITZ vs. ANIMAL CRACKERS (W/SPICY TUNA SPREAD)

WWE Heat was really missed. The crowd didn't get a chance to "warm up" so no one seemed to actually pop or boo until halfway through the card. Heidenreich got in NO OFFENSE. No joke. Hemme nailed the Doomsday Device, which was surprising, and pinned Melina for the win. I want to play skin bongos on Animal's gut.

51M0N3 5Y5T3M FA1LUR3 vs. SHELTON LESNAR

Simon Dean came out with a big platter of cheeseburgers and called everyone in Houston fat. I think he meant that guard. Bobby Lashley doesn't like cheeseburger platters or something and came out and beat him senseless. Lashley botched his finisher and had to try it again, but Dean had a broken hand so I wasn't expecting Benoit/Regal at the Pillman Memorial or anything. Lashley's PPV debut was impressive enough and he was pretty damn over with the crowd after only a couple weeks on TV. Lashley forced Dean to eat all the burgers in backstage segments throughout the night. It was like that one part in Se7en, only with wrestlers and a vomit gag.

FORMER WENDY'S ROBBER MAKES GOOD (W/TELL ME YOU DIDN'T JUST LIVE HERE?) vs. STILL WATERS RUN PEEP vs. ORLANDO WHAT NINTENDON'T vs. UNCLE BEN'S 30-SECOND ENRICHED INSTANT CHAMPION

Everybody wanted this match to be good and it wasn't, really. The crowd was kinda fired up for Booker for a second or two, then Benoit, but there was really nothing remarkable here. Christian spent a good portion of the match out on the floor, until he came back in to submit to Benoit at the end. No one joined my "LET'S-GO-CHRIS-TIAN" chant. NO ONE.

IS KENNEDY'S WIFE "JACKIE OH FACE"? vs. HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW (THAT I AM ALMOST BALD)?

We sat right next to some fucking Holly mark who kept prattling on about how that old Mr. Kennedy shore wuz gonna have his ass whupped, hyuck, hyuck. Kennedy won and Holly sold the Lambeau Leap like he received a legit injury. Sylvan Grenier came out and inspired everyone to go get some more nachos as he punked Holly out on the ramp. No one joined my "KEN-NED-DEE" chant. NO ONE.

There was a middle-aged mentally retarded man sitting a row ahead of us that would chant "B-B-B!!!" during every match from this point on. Take that as you will.

THE ADULT IS THE ONE WITH THE BACK TATS vs. A WRESTLING GOD (W/A MELANOMA GODDESS)

Match of the night. I don't know how it played on television, but this match was the best paced of the event. Some guys further down our row started a fight with an eight-year old in a cheapie Rey mask by cheering for JBL. Everyone was going apeshit for Rey, but JBL won, pretty much outta nowhere, with the clothesline.

AUGIE DOGGIE (W/DOGGIE DADDY) vs. THE HUCKLEBERRY HELL-HOUND

Cowboy Bob took some decent bumps, while Randy did his awesome "oh-my-god-I've-been-beaten-up-so-much-I-have-just-now-lost-total-control-of-all-my-motor-skills" selling. All three of them traded turns flopping about inside the over-sized "casket", but the Orton's gained the upper hand when Bob sprayed Undertaker in the face with the poisonous fire extinguisher. Randy was getting his ass beat for most of the match, but everyone knows the deadly legend-killing power of the RKO can NOT be denied. Just ask Bigfoot. He rolled 'Taker into the casket, pushed the casket up the ramp, chopped a hole in the top of the box with an Axe (you sexy, sexy thing. you sexy thing), doused the box in gasoline, and lit the damn thing on fire. He douche-posed in the warm glow while the PA played canned fire sound effects. All the refs made sure Undertaker was fried to a golden brown before they came out to put out the dwindling fire. No one joined my "I-SMELL-BRIS-KET" chant. NO ONE.

Right before this match someone at the end of our row thought it would be funny to buy the retarded guy an Undertaker hat to wear. They were right. He even did the tongue thing.

CHURRO vs. CANNOLI

As the smoldering smell of burnt Ben-Gay and hair dye still filled the arena, the Mexicools arrived on their tiny lawnmowers. 80% of the crowd decided that they MUST PEE PEE RIGHT NOW. The ones that remained were absolutely nuts for Juve and the gang. There were a half-dozen Mexican flags waving in the stands and grown men, EVERY FUCKING LAST ONE OF THEM with a MUSTACHE, were hollering in Espanol. Guerrera won the Cruiser title and cut a lengthy interview in Spanish with either Carlos or Hugo. I'm not going to try and find out. Psycosis got his ugly mug on the camera to chortle out the "chour ass ees grass, and we are de lawnmowerrrrrrs" line. Super Crazy hollered out something else that I couldn't understand.

I didn't know quite what to make of this match. First of all, its placement on the card is just awful. Secondly, the match was equal parts sloppy and entertaining. Juventud botched a spot for every one that he hit, which made it exciting, I guess, in that you actually feared for Nunzio's spine a couple of times.

I LIED ABOUT LYING vs. I WILL KILL YOU WITH HUGE AMOUNTS OF MUTUAL RESPECT

Batista made the crowd roar like madmen. The guy is fucking gigantic. Television does not prepare you for the fact that Dave is one scary motherfucker. This match was not-so-great, but the crowd was really into it. Julian and I both spotted confetti bits falling from the rafters so we thought for sure that Eddie would win. He didn't but he seemed to be edged even closer back to being a full-blown face again. The crowd was split down the middle when it came to name-chanting, but they popped much louder for Batista's offense that Eddie's.

I thought for a second that they were turning Batista heel tonight. Eddie would grab a chair to use and then change his mind after some brief soul-searching and toss it outside. At one point it looked like Batista was going to nail Eddie with a chair for just thinking about it, but it didn't happen.

After the PPV's official end, Batista was putting Eddie over in a show of mutual respect when some fan on the front row pissed him off. We couldn't hear what the bald guy in a red cap was saying but they said something strong enough for Batista to reply, "You keep that up, you won't like where I stick that hat!" Batista got Eddie and one of the younger refs back in the ring for an impromptu birthday party for Batista's teenage daughter (who wasn't there), Eddie Guerrero, and the ref. WWE officials wheeled a birthday cake down the entrance ramp, complete with the canned fire sound from earlier in the show (to match the candles, I guess), and Eddie shoved the ref's face in it. HILARIOUS. Not since the halcyon days of the Hal Roach one-reelers had I seen comedy so fine! Batista and Eddie took turns hurling fistfuls of chocolate cake at each other. Somehow, I don't think that gets replayed on this week's Smackdown. Batista took a big handful and smashed it all over the front-row guy's head and then gave him a big sweaty ape hug. If the guy had a problem with Batista before, he certainly didn't then. They hugged liked old lovers.

THE END.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I hope you liked the nicknames because I'm recycling them for the DVD rebeak. Julian came up with the one for Kennedy.