Commercials: WWE 24/7 is where the Big Boys Play. I had no idea WWE had launched their own video line, DID YOU??? The Road Warriors are on the front of my WCW NES game. I can only win a match in that game with my NES Advantage set with the "Turbo" turned all the way up. According to this ad, they stiffed the shit out of people, refused to job, and made their own music video. Yeah, but did their music video woo the girls at the pool table like my Sega CD INXS video did? Heaven sent. That's what I'll call ya. The greatest wrestling stars of the 80's need to lose a little weight. Greg Valentine makes me giggle like a schoolgirl. Tee hee.

Please, for the love of GAWD, don't try this at home.

Creepy horror movie intro begins. Gravestones and haybales. I could use some candy corn right about now. WWE Trailer Voice Guy: "Here stands the sinful man to face his judgment day..." It's a "theme" PPV! Everyone has sinned and fallen short of the glory of GAWD.

The set looks pretty cool. There's a giant geodesic sphere in the middle that's being rear-projected with Tron intros and fiery bits of churning, like the sun. The logo hangs in the front. Hey, I got the T-Shirt!

Models Need Mothers know the importance of wearing a T-Shirt that matches the event you are watching because they are fashion plates. They accesorize tonight with big, fat gold tag titles. Hey, remember when Melina used to get mic time? Too damn foxy. Orange Ya Glad I Didn't Say Banana and Micole finally get around to welcoming us to the Target Center. See Spot save.

This is a Tag Team Championship match against Haas Your Vacation Treatin' Ya? and I Can Holly Remember a Time When I Wasn't Crushing Rookies. Haas and Nitro start with a bit of sizing each other up. Haas reverses a keylock with a flip and flings Nitro out of the ring. Haas's armdrag only gets him the one-count. Holly and Mercury are tagged in. They run back and forth against the ropes all crazy-like, until Holly gets a dropkick on Mercury. Holly kicks Mercury in the gut and Melina screams like someone just stabbed her. Tazz: "If it's moving, Holly will hit it." So will Lita. Bob chops the living shit out of Mercury. Holly goes for the Alabama Slam but Nitro kicks him in the face sending the legal men down. Nitro is tagged for just one knee lift when Mercury wants to come back. Mercury gives Holly a very twist-of-fate-looking neckbreaker followed by a hard clothesline that gets a two. Nitro wants back in, and Mercury obliges. Nitro uses the ropes to stand on Holly's throat and goes for a chinlock. Holly reverses with a snapmare and then delivers the Rock Bottom or Book End or whatever they used to call that move before it became a finisher. The crowd is going nuts for Holly. Charlies Haas gets the tag and after some fast-paced bit of offense (dropkicks, armdrags, clothselines, the usual) ditches both Nitro and Mercury to the floor. Haas runs back against the ropes with Melina barely missing hs foot, and nails a suicide plancha onto both men outside. Nobody sells it. Mercury and Haas are in now and Haas goes back to the ropes. This time Melina does grab his foot so Charlies grabs a fistful of hair. Mercury charges Haas, who steps out of the way, and Mercury stops right before he would've hit Melina. Haas gives him a shove against the ropes the ropes that sends Melina crashing (gently) to the floor. Haas rolls up Mercury twice and gets two two-counts. Haas hits him with the Exploder Suplex. Nitro and Holly rush the ring to help their partners. Holly does a mad dash towards the turnbuckle and Nitro dodges it, sending Holly crashing (not-so-gently) to the mats below. Haas has the pin but the ref is too busy getting Nitro out of the ring. I've never seen a ref do this, but this ref helps Mercury up while Nitro and Haas argue. How sweet of him. Nitro runs back in and they give Haas the Snapshot. 1-2-3. Over. A Smackdown quality match, but MNM looked better here than they did every week against LOD.

On the replay I notice Mercury gives Haas a congratulatory back pat after the plancha. KAYFABE, PEOPLE!

Tazz: "You gotta watch more if you can't wait to see this!" That quote hurts my brain. Two weeks ago Colon Blow and his stuttering friend F-ff-fff-ffff-ff-unemployed feed a poison apple to Snow Wight. Big Show passes out like Frankenstein's monster. Rotten apples don't make people pass out, Tazz. It will take a handsome prince to awaken Big Show from his slumber. Prince Albert.

Carlito seems to draw better heat with the Smackdown crowd than the Raw crowd. Carlito (in reference to Matt Morgan): "You people laugh at him..." Some little kid: "C'MON! I LAUGH AT YOU ALL THE TIME!" The Big Show arrives to get revenge on the unpeakable crime Carlito committed against the innocent apples on the craft service table. Carlito does a bit of cowardly running and hiding, avoiding TBS. He tries to run by the Big Show but is grabbed by one hand and hurled into the turnbuckle. Cole: "...frying pan..." YES. WE KNOW. Carlito gets a weak punch in and gets arm dragged about five feet off the ground. Carlito is selling like a madman. Tazz: "I've been in the ring with Big Show and he smothers you with size!" And then onion gravy. Big Show runs to whip himself off the ropes, but Morgan grabs the top rope and Big Show tumbles out. Morgan punches TBS a couple times and then rolls him in for Carlito to get the pin. He gets two before he's thrown off by The Big Show. Big Show no-sells all of Carlito's tiny punches. He proceeds to hurl Carlito into the ringposts a couple times until he smacks into referee Brian Hebner who flails about madly and throws himself out of the ring like a fish. Because fish are known to throw themselves out of wrestling rings. Show goes for the goozle and gets a swift kick in the nads from Carlito. He sells it for two seconds, one for each nut, and grabs Carlito a second time. Matt Morgan runs in and kicks Show in the head and gives him a F5 just for good measure. Carlito is left slackjawed by Matt's display of strength and Matt has to goad him into making the cover. He gets the three count and Michael Cole screams, "NOT THIS WAY!" I just realized Carilto didn't do anything the entire match except bump.

Tazz and Cole recap the bestiality sex feud. Angle: "I don't hurt women...I make them feel (CRAZY DR. KLAW VOICE) good." I'm glad I have a pristine DVD-quailty recording of Kurt Angle saying "She fondled my privates!" Booker T hates flat screens! STAY AWAY FROM THE FLAT SCREENS!

Sharmell gets an anonymous bag of panties backstage and Booker goes berserk. At the bottom of the bag are a pair of handcuffs. Booker T: "I'MONNA KILL 'IM!!!"

Kerwin, Lose, or Draw faces Namco Underwear Museum, who is defending the Cruiserweight Championship. Tazz: "Y'know, Cole, some guys have fetishes, ya know what I mean? Y'know, some guys like to eat sandwiches and that's their fetish. Some guys like guttahsluts." A quick google search reveals no websites dedicated to sandwich fetishes, although I did find a place where I can wear a diaper with complete acceptance...at last. They exchange whiffing kicks, but Chavo gains an upper hand when London goes to the mat to work Chavo's knee. Chavo continues kicking, but this time they connect. London powers out of a submission, and Chavo keeps on kicking. Paul tries to put Guerrero away with a hurracanrana and fails, only getting two. London sets him up for the 450 and eats Chavo's knees on the way down. Yowch. "LET'S-GO-LONDON!" A suplex earns Chavo two before he goes back to kicking London in the ribs. Chavo hangs London up on the top rock and gives him a missle dropkick to the face. Guerrero locks in the abdominal stretch on London. Chavo tries for another suplex but London kind-of turns it into a crossbody and gets a one-count. Chavo tries the suplex again after whipping London around a bit. Paul London flips out of the suplex and lands on his feet, following up with a belly-to-belly on Chavo. A bit of back and forth and a heelkick earns a two-count for London. They take turns whipping each other into the corners before London nails a standing enzuguiri to the back of Chavo's head. He tries for three, but Guerrero has the bottom rope. Headscissors are reversed by Chavo into a pin, using the ropes for leverage but only getting two. Chavo goes for the Gorry Bomb and drops London in the process. London recovers and kicks Chavo in the head. Again. London goes to the top rope while Chavo rolls out of the ring. Paul spots him and attempts the 450 Splash all the way to the edge of the entrance ramp. He misses Chavo by a country mile and lands flat on his back on the ground. OW. Chavo sticks his arm out as London is falling so he can get hit and fall down like he was supposed to. Chavo makes it back into the ring just in time to elbow London in the face and send him back to the outside. Chavo charges throigh the ropes for a suicide dive and tosses Paul back into the ring. He goes up top but is stopped by London with a kick to the leg. London goes up to meet him, fighting out at the top turnbuckle. Chavo attempts to piledrive London from the top turnbuckle, but London flips him to the ring with a back bodydrop. Paul finishes things up with the 450 Splash and retains the Cruiserweight belt.

"WANNA GIVE MY WIFE GIFS?!?!" A crazed Booker T searches for Angle backstage. He hassles Funaki and a Bill Nye look-alike. Billy Kidman makes his triumphant WWE pay-per-view farewell by telling Booker T he doesn't know where Kurt Angle is.

Sharmell sits waiting. Sharmell: "Did you find hi---YOWWWWWWWWWW!" Zoolympic Gold Medalist wants LOVE! NOW! But his music hits, so any rape will have to wait until after the match. Y'know. Priorities, people.

Cole: "Kurt Angle should be locked up!" Or sent to Raw as punishment. He's followed to the ring by WANNA GIVE MY WIFE JPEGS? Booker T starts hot, chopping Angle down and stomping away. Early axe kick. Angle tries to get Booker to the mat, but it doesn't work. Booker works Angle into the corner and continues his aggressive attack. Angle uppercuts the shit out of Booker T. Angle delivers a snapmare into a headlock, but Booker breaks it with some elbows to the gut. Angle eats a nice hiptoss and tries to beg off. Having none of that, Booker stomps him into the corner. He dropkicks a sitting Angle right in the fucking face. Angle's got a mouth full of blood. He tries an ankle lock but gets kicked off. Booker folds Angle over the top rope, climbs to the top turnbuckle, and scissorkicks him in the back on the way down, sending Angle to the outside. Bitchin'. An "UGLY WIFE!" chant starts but ends quickly. Angle gets a little momentum back by slamming Booker's head into the ringpost. He rolls Booker inside for a series of knee lifts. A suplex gets Angle a two-count. Angle tries a rear naked choke. Booker T breaks free with the power of the arm shaky-shakys. Booker goes for a running scissors kick and racks himself on the top rope when Angle ducks out of the way. A second suplex isn't enough to keep Booker T down for three. Angle takes Booker to a corner and punches the holy hell out of him, each one making a nice THWACK sound. A backbreaker gets another two-count for Angle. Angle gives him a bear hug on the mat. Booker uses the awesome power of shaking your arms up and down to break the hold. A couple back elbows let Booker get the upper hand. Angle gets whipped into the ropes and kicked in the head, bringing both men down. Booker T attempts a pin after a suplex with no results. Book superkicks Angle right in the puss. Booker runs back for the scissor kick, gets snatched up by Angle in the Angle Slam, but breaks free and counters with the Book End. It gets two, and the crowd boos loudly. Booker has Spinarooni fever. Another scissorkick is countered. Angle goes for rolling Germans, loses it, and tries for three with the belly-to-belly. Booker rolls under an Angle Slam, reversing it into a small package and gets a slightly confusing three-count for the win.

Sharmell runs down to celebrate. Kurt gives Booker an Angle Slam and dishes him to the floormats for good measure. He shoves Sharmell in the ring for some quality make-out time. He taunts her and tries to cuff her to the top rope with his gif. Some guy in the crowd: "KISS HER! KISS HER!" A true romantic. Booker makes the save and cuffs Angle to the ropes instead. Kurt starts flipping out a little and Booker goes to town on Angle's face. Booker lets Sharmell in, and she goes psycho with girly slapping. Kurt gets kicked in the nards. Kurt: "Ahhhhhhh!...Ahhhhhhhh!" Cole: "That's what you get for being a pervert!" Take it from Cole. He knows. Tazz: "That Sharmell is an emotional wildcat...TO THE MAX!"

Commercial. Hey, remember that one time Wrestlemania went Hollywood? Yeah...Those were the days. We were all standing in line. Buh-buh-buh-big time.

The refs free Kurt from the cuffs. Fan sign: "KURT FROM ANY ANGLE YOU SUCK!" Tazz: "I don't think there's anything left to kick down there, know what I'm sayin'?" Ha! Steriod humor! The fan sign gets a second close-up.

Tazz and Michael Cole mock boxer Roberto Duran, who is sitting in attendance, for pleading for mercy during a boxing match several years ago. Fuckers. They shill the "I Quit" match coming later and Tazz breaks down his "Keys to Victory". Straight from the graphic:

TAZZ'S KEYS TO VICTORY

1. RIGHT OUTTA THE BOX (Tazz: "Get him to quit. That's gonna be the key to victory.")

2. PURE PERSISTENCE (Tazz gets tongue-tied and says "purr persistence". Meow. Tazz: "Get him to say 'I Quit', or, on the reverse end, the double meaning, to be persistant and not to quit.")

3. DON'T QUIT! (Tazz: "You don't wanna quit.")

Quit.

Hair Jordan gives us the big ol' JBL longhorn gesture. The US title is so big around his waist he looks naked. Stopping by Wal-Mart on a Snowy Evening challenges OJ in this US Championship match. Heidenreich: "Before we get started, I got one thing I gotta do...I need to find me...A NEW FRRRRIEND!!! WHO WANTS TO BE MY FRIEND?!?!? WHO? WHERE"S MY FRRRRRRIEND?!?!?! WHERE"S MY FRIEND?!?!?!?!" He starts chanting "where's my friend" to the rhythm of the Heidenreich march. He picks an skinny little girl named Alex.

Heidenreich: "I've traveled the world in search of a friend/never ever knowing where the road might end/well, the road runs right through Minneapolis tonight/cuz I'm facing Orlando Jordan in a fight/Orlando Jordan is tough/and he is the US champ/but ths odds are in my favor/when I hear the 'Heidenreich' chant/OJ looks like a rascal/from his head down to his feet/just from looking at his hair/I like to call him 'Whole Wheat'/OOOOH-TAAAAY!"

Your disasterpiece, ladies and gents. Alex looked simultaneously terrified, confused, and happy. She gave little rock and roll satan hand gestures when it came time to chant Heidenreich's name, but she appeared to be chanting, "OH-OH-OH! OH-OH-OH!" Why Heidenreich pussied out when it came time to say "Buckwheat", the world will never know...

Orlando kicks Heidenreich through the ropes and shoves him into the ring. Cole: "Whole Wheat? Who is Whole Wheat?" Tazz: "Whole Wheat. Buckwheat. Oatmeal. I dunno." Finally, some typical Tazz and Cole action. Cole: "Perhaps Alex can help Heidenreich win the United States Championship tonight!" Cut to Alex. Alex: "GAAAAH!" Hahahaha. Orlando goes up to the top rope and gets sidetracked talking shit to Alex. 'Reich eats a kick to the face and Jordan climbs down. Jordan whips himself off the ropes and is scooped into Heidenreich's arms for a (sorta-kinda) sidewalk slam. Heidenreich with a one-two punch. 'Reich: "Pow-pow!" He actually says that when he punches OJ. The closer Heidenriech got to being a living, breathing Popeye character, the more I liked him. OJ clocks him with a sloppy clothesline. Jordan pulls off a suplex for the two. Crowd: "BUCKWHEAT SUCKS!" Heidenreich is selling all of OJ's headstomps by screaming "OWWWW!" Heidenreich does his march and no-sells OJ's strikes. Heidenreich with the Pow-Pow Punches. This is amusing me WAY more than it should. I lose count of the number of times he shouts, "Pow-pow!" He even shouts "POW" when delivering a clothesline. Jordan kicks out at two after a sky-high back body drop and a big boot from 'Reich. Heidenreich Papa Shangoes twice in a row--once for a kick to the mid-section and once for a swinging neckbreaker. Orlando makes letters in the sky with his finger and gets rolled-up for the two count before he can dot the J. Orlando with a drop toe hold and a DDT on Heidenreich. That's the three-count. Alex's dreams are shattered. Her dream of being friends with a cajun ex-football player turned poet/wrestler. Every little girl's dream.

Alex marches around Heidenreich, doing the arm thing, hoping to revive him.

...and...

OMG! IT WORKS! HE'S ALIVE!

Tazz: "She's got a lot of spunk!" But it's all Kurt Angle's. Ewwwww.

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE STEVIE AND VICTORIA!!! interviews From Budokan, To This Place Right Here Where We Are Standing Right Now. JBL: "Never been in a fight have you, son?" Josh shakes his head. JBL: "Welcome to my home!" He lives at the Target Center? That's so cool. All the blue raspberry Icees you can drink.

A video package sets up the match between former super-tight, super-close brothers, Did You Read My Esse in "Better Holmes and Gardens"? against Yes, and I Reyted It a 6.19 on a Juan to Ten Scale. My worst nicknames ever. Shades of Araby's.

This is pre-Dominick and bedtime stories, back when Eddie was ditching Rey in the middle of tag matches all the time. Eddie stalls to start, walking around the outisde of the ring. Eddie chants begin. Rey punches all girly-like, kinda slap-fighting. Tazz: "They're talkin spanish! I dont know what they're saying!" They trade punches and go outside. Rey is tossed into the steel steps. Eddie delivers a spinebuster to Rey onto the announce table followed by another. Cole: "Eddie, it's a wrestling match; not a massacre!" An "Eddie Sucks!" chant starts but no one visible in the crowd is actually doing the chant. I wonder where it's coming from. Eddie still in control. Eddie gets two after some bit of clubbering. Guerrero works a side headlock into an abdominal stretch. Rey powers out with an arm drag but gets caught in an inverted power bomb. Cole: "Roberto Duran-like dancing in the ring by Latino Heat." Duran Duran-like hungering like a wolf. Half crab applied to Rey. Rey gets out with kicks to the head of Eddie. He nails an ezuiguri to turn the tide. Mysterio leapfrogs and kind of monkey flips Eddie way up in the air. Rey charges and misses Eddie, landing on the apron. Top rope headbutt gets a two count for Rey. Eddie dropkicks the knee, locks in a Boston crab, and shifts it into an STF. Rey makes it to the ropes. Eddie shoves Rey across the mat like a canoe on dry land, and he slides out onto the floor. Guerrero goes outside and readies the steel steps. Eddie kicks the shit out of Rey against the barricade and gets him ready for a DDT onto the steps, but Rey saves himeself by pushing Eddie into the ring post. He backs up and gets a rare 619 on the outside of the rinq corner as Eddie tries to head back in. Rey pushes Eddie back in as both men are hurt now. Eddie starts trying to build back the momentum. Rey gets his second wind and a cross body gets two. A Sitting Senton gets another two. Rey gets Eddie in the corner for mounted punches. He backs up to charge Eddie and Eddie dodges. Rey gets all caught up in the middle turnbuckle. Eddie puts Rey on the ring post and superplexes him from the top rope. Gets two barely. Eddie keeps covering and it's pissing the both of them off. Guerrero starts the Three Amigos, but Mysterio kind of falls out of the third amigo and does the flying body scissors to Eddie, readying him for the 619.

Sofa homage: BUTWAIT!

Bandanarama wruns out to distract the ref, allowing Eddie to grab a chair. Rey dropkicks Eddie's knee before Eddie can do anything and Chavo keeps arguing away. A drop toehold from Rey gets Eddie ready for the 619. A quick baseball slide dispatches Chavo. 619 connects, but Rey's all winded. He goes up for the springboard and Eddie swings the chair like a bat as Rey comes sailing down, catching the shot right in the ribs. The ref calls for the DQ. Eddie chant begins again. He goes to leave then changes his mind and hits Rey six times in the back with the chair for good measure.

Commericals: Divas Go Mexican. Or as I like to say, SEX-ican. Are you with me, fellas?

I WILL NOT QUIT...being a racist! arrives in his limousine. Fan Sign: "RAW IS CRAP" JBL carries the old non-spinny title belt. Cole: "Nick Patrick, nothing but a traffic cop in this match". You're under arrest, JBL! For stealing my heart. Awwwwww. Not to be outdone, I WILL NOT QUIT...selling unwearable merchandise! arrives on the flatbed trailer of an 18-wheeler, complete with a live DJ and turntables on the back of the truck. Fireworks shoot out of the trailer all pyrotastically. Cena walks all over the limo and kicks the horns off the front. Cena and JBL lock up right away. They trade headlocks before Cena leapfrogs JBL (!) and gets an arm drag into an armbar. JBL makes it to the ropes but it doesn't matter. He rolls out of the ring. JBL climbs up the apron and is greeted with a suplex back inside by Cena. Cena attempts a choke-out but JBL escapes withe some choppering and after a DDT and he tries for a cover. Not gonna work. Jbl gets back body dropped and clotheslined by Cena. JBL rolls out to escape, and Cena rolls out after him. An Irish whip gets reversed and Cena goes out into the crowd. JBL follows and gives Cena a neckbreaker on the cement that the camera doesnt catch very well. JBL comes back and clears the Spanish table. He grabs a mike. JBL: "SAY I QUIT! OR YOUR ASS IS MINE!" Cena replies with a punch to his face. Cena's Irish whip is reversed again into the steel steps. JBL grabs the timekeeper and yanks his belt off to whip Cena with it. After a couple strikes he uses the belt to choke Cena at the corner post. JBL gets distratced yelling at the ref to ask Cena if Cena wants to quit and loosens his grip enough for Cena to pull the belt and bonk JBL's head against the post. JBL clears the English-speaking announce table and gets up on top of it with Cena in a piledriver position. JBL: "YOUR RAP CAREER! YOUR MOVIE CAREER! YOUR WHOLE CAREER! YOU STUPID SONOFABITCH! GIVE UP RIGHT NOW OR YOU! GO! THROUGH! IT!" Cena responds with "Kiss my ass" and back bodydrops JBL thorugh the Spanish table. Ouch, his back catchs the edge of the table on his way down. Cena bashes JBL's head in with a monitor. He slides him over the announce table where JBl snatches a chair and pops Cena on the noggin. Cena is busted open badly, spewing ECW levels of blood down the front of his chest. JBL picks up the steps and hits Cena in the shoulder. He grabs the maike and gets back in the ring. Cena's whole upper body is bright red at this point, just painted with blood. JBL pulls him up and gives him a three Clotheslines from Hell in a row. He takes Cena's spinner chain from a corner post and chokes him out with it. JBL screams for Cena to quit. The crowd chants and Cena gets to his feet. JBL promptly stops him with a low blow. JBL commands Cena to quit and starts knocking him in the head with the mike, which makes a nice dramatic sound.

JBL: "I told you to QUIT! YOU PUNK ASS BITCH!" Cena gets angry and starts to fight back. He nails a few clotheslines of his own before laying JBL out with a spinning side slam. Five knuckle shuffle. F-U! Cena's whole head is looks painted red. JBL rolls out and leaves, giving the finger on his way up the ramp. Cena follows him and bangs JBL's face against the limo hood. Cena slams JBL onto the limo. JBL gives Cena a neckbreaker on the limo in return. The white hood is dented and bloodsmeared. JBL takes Cena over to a stack of PA equipment and pulls a cord to choke Cena out again. The ref asks Cena if he wants to quit. CENA: "HELLLLL NOOOOOO!!!" the mike is broken so it comes ot all cool and warbley. Cena powers out of the cord and gives it a sharp tug sending JBL's face crashing through a nearby television set. JBL is busted open now. Cena takes JBL back over to the limo and smashes JBL's head right through the fucking windsheild. JBL tries to escape and crawls on top of the limo where Cena follows and gets thumbed in the eye. Cena suplexes JBL onto the top of the car. and JBL rolls to the floor. JBL opens a back door and tries to escape by crawling inside the limo. Cena pulls him out and Irish whips him into the car door twice. Cena kicks the car door off its hinges until it falls off and he tosses it aside. JBL scampers up the ramp of the flat bed trailer. Cena shoves JBL's head into some sort of giant CO2 cannister. Cena wants a suplex but JBL DDTs him right on the trailer. JBL: "QUIT!!!" JBL dumps the turntable equipment to the floor to clear the table they are sitting on. He then takes an electrical cord and climbs up a large speaker to hang Cena off the ground. JBL forgets Cena has the mike in hand and Cena starts busting JBL upside the head with the hard end of the mike until JBL falls off and crashes through the empty DJ's table on the flatbed. JBL rolls slowly down the ramp. Cena pulls the smokestack off the truck and follows JBL down. He goes to swing it and JBL scrambles over to the Judgment Day glass backdrops below the Titantron. JBL: "John! OK! I Quit! I Quit!" The bell rings and Cena pummels JBL through the glass by rushing him head-on with the smokestack. Now, Cena's happy.

This is probably the best match that the either of them has ever had.

Final Thoughts: Best Smackdown-only PPV of 2005. Still not as good as bestiality sex.