Welcome to WWE Sunday Night Heat. This is kind-of practice for a stack of PPV DVD's that have been collecting dust while my passion for WWE continues to wane. I'm shaking off the ring rust for a comeback of Grandmaster Sexay proportions. The “didn't-he-die?” sympathy pop, if you will.

Heat is sponsored by SOCOM: Fire Team Bravo on PSP. Fake Hans Zimmer music is no better or worse than real Hans Zimmer music.

WWE promises “THE POWER IS BACK.” Good, because I know I paid that bill.

Pedicabra vs. Riddle Me This, LAAAAADIESSS!!!

Todd Grisham and Coach welcome us to Heat. Coach: “You know there is only one, baby boy!” Or maybe he said there's only one baby boy. I doubt it. Todd Grisham loves elimination chambers. We call them “toilets” here, Todd. Val Venis, in Riddler-esque lavender boots and light green trunks, gives his towel to an old lady. Grisham: ”Happy New Year, Grandma!” Awwww. Grisham's granny is here to make sure Todd has plenty of ribbon candy and boiled ham to eat. Val with mounted punches. And some chops. Gene Snitsky shoves off, but Venis returns with knee lifts. Grisham and Coach pimp the Lawler and Helms match later tonight. Coach: ”Val Venis, all jokes aside, now he could be a guy who reinvents himself!” What about tweener Raw Commissioner Sean Morely? Where'd that young rising star go? Venis runs into a powerslam that barely looked like powerslam to me, but I don't call the matches. Val Venis is crying. He's sobbing, “OW-HO-HO! OW-HO-HO!” in the ring. Snitsky: “SHUT UP!” Snitsky drops his elbow on Venis's head. Venis is selling in true Crash Holly fashion. And crying. Stop, Val. Coach: “Shawn Michaels is a guy with so many things on his plate.” He's got Sunday school early in the day, another Marty Jannety intervention at noon, and then he has to head to this cute little place downtown with the best deals on biker caps and white patent-leather chaps with mirrored fringe. Snitsky with a bear hug. Hit him in the zits, Val! Venis elbows out. Coach: “I SAID WHAT I SAID!” What did he say? They trade punches and shoulder blocks. Grisham: “Snitsky going dowstairs!” Coach: “Dont pull down your pants!” I'm sure there's a line between those two comments, but it's better my way. Snitsky goes up top and gets dished to the mat. Venis attempts the Money Shot, but Snitsky dodges. Snitsky goes for the big boot, and Venis ducks it. A ducked big boot gets Snitsky a two-count. Amazing. He nails it and gets three.

Betty BOOP BOOP BOOP & Cock Push-Ups vs. Classy Freddy Sampsonny & Christian 2 Hotty

Antonio: “You know, Romeo, I've heard some of the most beautiful girls in the world reside right here in New Jersey!” Romeo: “I've heard that TOO!” I haven't seen these guys in forever. I'm guessing they made a SHOCKING FACE TURN on some exciting episode of Heat that I didn't waste time watching. Romeo: “We want to find two hot Jersey girls that can dance, and we can make them say 'OH-OH-OH'!” Antonio: “TAKE OUT THE THROBOMETER!!!” Romeo thrusts his crotch in a little circle while Antonio yells “BOOP! BOOP! BOOP!” into the mike, all submarine-radar style. Romeo spots TNA's Trinity and some dishwater blonde in the front row. Romeo: “WHATTA COWINKY DINK!” They invite the gals up to dance, but come up with a better plan. What if the ladies dance TOGETHER??? Romeo: “Since we're in Jersey, let's do it Jersey style and make it durrdaay!” Fred Sampson and Scotty Charisma ATTACK! They are quickly tossed outside and the Heart Throbs do synchronized flips over the top rope and onto the jobbers. Antonio and Romeo double team those destined to lose tonight. Coach: “Hey, Which one of these guys is Scotty Charisma? Who would name themselves Scotty Charisma? That's like me naming myself Coach Charisma.” TG: “I'm assuming the guy that says 'Scotty' on his tights.” Double elbow drop from the Heart Throbs gets Romeo two. Sampson tagged in. Romeo hits a hip toss. Antonio is tagged in, ever so briefly before tagging Romeo back in. Double arm drag. They dish Scotty to the floor. Scotty is tagged in after Romeo eats a turnbuckle. Romeo with the back body drop on Scotty. Antonio nails a snap suplex and follows it with a clothesline and a bulldog. Sampson runs in to attack, but Romeo tosses him to the outside. A double Russian leg sweep gets Romeo the three-count. Someone yells, “BOOP-BOOP-BOOP!” I couldn't tell if the phantom booper was Coach or one of the Heart Throbs. I have to say the Heart Throbs have improved since I last saw them, probably August or so.

Raw Recap of the Kurt Angle/John Cena First Blood match. A Colonel Trautman on a Pole match.

The Only One Who Could Ever Reach Me, Was the Son of a Teacher Man has a chalkboard and a desk set up on the entrance ramp. Matt Striker: “I encourage all of you to take notes because there will be a quiz.” Coach: “I'm not taking it.” Crowd: “YOU-GOT-FIE-URD!” Striker: “Are you aware I scored a 1600 on my SAT? That's the highest score possible!...I achieved a graduate degree in educational psychology! Did you know that I enjoy classical music? Are you enlightened to the fact that I speak over seventeen languages...including, including ebonics?” Coach: “That's not a language. That's a way of LIFE!” Striker: “I do not, I do NOT smoke the pot! Oh, no!” Setting up a Rob Van Dam feud? A fan sign reads, “TURN OFF THE TV!” Coach: “I think the fans are all stupid! I think they all deserve an education!” Grisham: “Yeah? Shut up. You do.” You can do better than that, Todd.

Libido What Nintendon't vs. The Tysontom Co.: Making Punches Safe Since 2004.

Viscera's theme music asks us to “Praise God. It's time to get down.” Coach: “I wonder how many women he gave 'Christmas presents' to? You know what I'm talking about?” Grisham: “I'm ignoring you.” Coach continues with some inane non-entendres about giving the ladies a “Happy New Year”. Grisham: “What a main event! Tyson Tomko versus Viscera!” HAHAHAHA! Oh, Todd, you're incorrigible! Vis bodyslams Tomko and shoves him outside. Tomko comes back and throws a series of bad punches, with varying degrees of bodily proximity. A fucking shoulderblock gets two for Tyson Tomko. Tomko continues bad punching. He covers for two. The crowd goes mild! Tomko tries for a neck wrench, but Vis powers out. Viscera hits the Samoan drop. That's what Polynesians take for a sore throat. (Insert Boos Here:_____) Vis dances all sexy-like and tries to flop on top of Tomko, but Tomko rolls out of the way. Big fatty fat spinning fat heel kick fat from Vis. Tyson Tomko returns with punches. Big sweeping fake punches. Vis is against the ropes, and Tomko runs for big boot. He misses the top rope and kind of has to jump on top of it to crotch himself, the fucking idiot. Vis hip wiggles and eats a big boot while dancing. Not literally. Sex Drive wins it. All he wants to do is, all he wants to do is dance. And make romance. Never mind the heat. Comin' off the street. He wants to party. (WHOOO!) He wants to get down. (WHOOO!) All he wants to do is dance, dance.

Final Thoughts: I stand in the cold, dark shadows of the mighty Heat rebeakers who have gone before me.