January 20, 2002: Hotlanta, GA
Rebeaker: Eviljonhunt81
Anyway, we aren't here to discuss tacos. No, we have much more important matters to discuss. Namely, the WWF Royal Rumble. This event starts the Road to Wrestlemania, assuming your name is HHH. The Royal Rumble has always been one of my favorite events, despite having only seen 2 that I like. I used to rent Royal Rumble '92 all the time for some reason. I dunno. And 1998's kicked ass, even thought the Rumble itself was fucking stupid that year. Rock bashing Mankind's head in saved that show. I hate how every guy rolls out of the ring now. I remember the first time I saw that was when the King did it, ages ago. It was awesome then. It's gotten old, though.
Anyway, we have a boring promo about the Rumble to start. JR has a heart attack about HHH. Kid Rock + fireworks = anything but my idea of a good time.
Some dude in WWFNY is having a seizure it looks like, but there's no time for that as the Dudleyz are coming out. Some shitty new music brings Tazz & Spike out. Oh, it's by Cypress Hill, or so the King says. I used to really like them. My, how things have changed. Reverse 3-D thingy on Tazz on the outside almost right away. That was pretty sick. One on Spike in the ring. Buh Buh hits a neckbreaker on Spike. They're using psychology. I hope Scott Keith appreciates that. Another neckbreaker. Tag to D'von. More stuff. Spike reverses a suplex by Buh Buh and hits the Dudley Dog. Dogg. Dawg. Yeah, that's how I'm gonna spell it. Both guys are down. D'von uses HEEL tricks to keep Tazz from getting the tag. Nothing special until Tazz puts the Tazmission on Stacey, and the on D'von for the win. That wasn't bad.
Last Monday: Read the Rebeak, fuxors.
3 days ago: Yup, read that one too.
Lilian interviews Edge backstage. He says "tonight, the devil gets burnt." I thought he was good at promos.
Regal comes out. I think those cookies are done. I'm outtie.
I come back & Edge is just coming out. Evil Nick Patrick puts his hands down Regal's shorts and finds the knuckle dusters. Match starts.
This is a cool enough match, but nothing worth describing. I bet Scott Keith or somebody does that. I don'tknow how they do it. Do they not look at the match, or something? Of course, it doesn't help that I'm using the 2-handed Face Stuffing method. JR hasn't called Regal "unorthodox" yet. Oh shit! Regal hit some crazy Urange/suplex thing on Edge. That was crazy. Regal puts Edge in the Impossible Hold. Awesome. Chicken-wing powerbomb, and Regal pins by laying down right on top of Edge. JR calls it strange, and tries to make excuses for it. Lawler:"Go ahead. Call it the Sigfreid & Roy cover." Edge is thrown outside. JR says "unpredictable." Close enough for me. Edge DDTs Regal on the apron. Edge throws Regal to the corner, Regal reverses by jumping off, and they run into each other. more stuff. Crazy ass move again. JR calls it a suplex. JR, you wouldn't know a tope from a plancha. burn! (if you knwo the difference between a tope and a plancha, please email me and let me know. Thanks.) Edge is in the Regal Stretch. Will he tap? Will he? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? No. He reaches the ropes. Now he puts Regal in the move, or so JR tells me. It don't look quite right. Regal remembers how to extend his arm, and reaches the ropes much quicker. More stuff, then REGAL HAS THE KNUCKLE DUSTERS! Edge goes for the Spear, but nails the ref. Regal with the Knuckle-dusters. All 3 men down. Regal finally wins. Blah.
A gaggle of refs comes and looks at Edge. Cole meets Regal right outside of the ring. Cole:"How can you justify this?" Regal:"I've been blessed with . . . the Power of the Punch." JR says that the man who invented brass knucks can take credit for the match. I believe he is referring to George Washington Knuckleduster. *crickets* Let's move on.
COME SEE WWF LIVE! I would if they ever came to St. Louis again. They were just in Greensboro not that long ago, and they're going back there already. Asses.
Shitty music plays, but I'm not sure which woman this shitty music belongs to. Jacqueline. On HEAT, they announced that she was special referee. Don't expect JR or Lawler to mention this, though. Jazzz is from New Orleans. I get it.
3 days ago: the Handcrush of Doom. That is pretty vicious looking. JR said it was Flair that made Jackie special ref.
Jazzz attacks before the bell. I'm not gonna call this nonsense. Predictably, Jazzz and Jackie go at it. Eventually, Trish wins, but I missed the finish. I had a phone call. I swear I did. Oh, here it is. PHHST. That was stupid. I could so book a better women's title match. It would have zombies.
EARLIER: I should have been using bold for awhile now. Oh well. Flair shows up with his daughter and son Reid(?). Next Mideon seemed to recognize him. Wait, I think I remember him fighting Bischoff once. I'm not sure. Anyway, they brush off Coach, which you would have known had you watched HEAT or read the rebeak. Fuxors.
Recap of events leading up to McMahon/Flair. Did I mention how all this shit appears on HEAT? This is all HEAT was.
I wandered off for a moment, but when I came back Flair was in the ring and McMahon was on his way out. JR and Lawler are fawning over his physique. Gross.
Match starts and it's your average McMahon streetfight. McMahon keeps knocking Flair down and posing creepily. This is so gross. McMahon uses an eye rake. I wonder if smarks marked out for that. JR says McMahon is "owning" the Nature Boy. Vince picks on Flair's kids. Blah blah blah. Fuck this, I'm getting some food.
I come back and Flair si in the figure 4. Flair reverses. This streetfight is so lacking in Shane McMahon going through glass. And a street. They go out of the ring. The Spanish Announce Table and JR and Lawler's table have switched places. They probably hoped their table wouldn't get destroyed this way. McMahon eventually taps out to the figure 4.
Stone Cold talks to Michael Cole backstage. Man, I have the best idea. Next time I go to a live WWF show, I'm gonna yell "what" all the time. It'll be hilarious. I'm a fucking genius. They show that guy with his little electronic "what" billboardy thing. I hated him on HEAT, and I hate him now.
Let's go back to Vengeance. I'd rather not, as I watched HEAT, as well as any WWF programming in the past month.
Rock comes out. Sign: "Jericho loves the Strudel." I bet it took days to come up with something that funny. You know what I miss most about WCW? The fans threw trash all the damn time. I remember one time The Giant was walking to the ring and some dude threw a whole cup of water and it nailed him in the head. That was hilarious. I haven't seen any trash thrown in the WWF in like 2 or 3 years. Fuck that. But I digress.
OK, this match was fucking awesome, and, as a result, I watched it rather than wrote it all down. Therefore, I can only stress that it kicked ass. Jericho nailed a senton at one point. At another Christian and Lance Storm came down to help Jericho, but it backfired. Jericho and Rock go out by the tables. Rock apparently wasn't informed of the table switcheroo, as he's trying to put Jericho on JR's table. Jericho will not have anybody fucking with JR's table, so he comes back and is gonna Rock Bottom Rock through the SAT. Rock reverses and does this sort of flying Rock Bottom through JR's table. That was awesome. Eventually, Jericho uses HEEL tricks to win. Nice.
Shawn Michaels is at WWFNY. He says "don't mess with Texas," which somehow translated to him guessing either Austin or Undertaker will win. What about Bradshaw?
In case you bought this PPV on accident, let's show what led up to it.
And now, the main event. Before we start I feel I should mention that I am only going to point out important stuff. I'm not gonna mention every punch and every time some dude is laying on the ropes and someone keeps acting like he's about to go over. Imagine that there is a lot of generic rumble nonsense (GRN) in between each sentence.
#1: Rikishi. Haha. Lawler:"We may see 29 stinkfaces tonight! Woo-hoo!" Woo-hoo?
#2: Goldust. Yes. Goldust keeps from going over twice. They both roll out through the bottom rope. Are they gonna do this tired spot to death before the third guy even gets out?
#3: Bossman. Haha again. Apparently, it's Boss Man now. I wonder if Dustin Runnels still had the Goldust costume, or if the WWF had it. HEEL double team and we get the "fat guy can't go over" spot. Goldust turns on Boss Man. Boss Man. That's so gay.
#4: Brad Shaw. Boss Man gets a stinkface. Brad Shaw tries to knock Goldust over. I think JR described it best:"Goldust is holding on like an oranutan." If Russo was still alive, there'd be an orangutan in here. Boss Man is knocked out by Rikishi. Lawler points out Shawn Michael's texan gaffe.
#5: Lance Storm. Rikishi is humping Brad Shaw in one corner while Lance and Goldust fight.
#6: Al Snow. JR and Lawler act suprised. They obviously didn't watch HEAT. Clothesline from Hell on Storm. JR says "slobberknocker city."
#7: Billy. Jr:"The One Billy Gunn." No. He tries to act like he didn't say that. Shit, Storm and Al Snow are fighting each other on the apron. I had my money on Storm. And now he's gone. Shit. Now I don't know who will win. Billy eliminates Brad Shaw.
#8: Under Taker. I forgot to use that with Billy. It should have been Bil Ly. Ah well. Now that we're supposed to boo the Undertaker, do smarks cheer him? Undertaker chokeslams Billy. Chokeslams Goldust over the top rope. Eliminates Al Snow. Eliminates Rikishi. Eliminates Billy. He's all alone now. So sad.
#9: Matt Hardy. He's with Lita. Okay. Undertaker is about to chokeslam him, but Lita jumps in. Lita with the low blow and Matt with the Twist of Fate. HEEL doubleteam by the faces. Lita leaves, and it gets back to GRN.
#10: Jeffy Hardy. He saves Matt from being eliminated. HEEL doubleteam. Turns into a HEEL tripleteam, and Lita comes back in. Is she in the Rumble? Matt & Jeffy hug. Jeff has a giant purple handkerchief hanging from his back pocket. Like a magician. Twist of Fate and Swanton. Matt's shirt = off. Poetry in Motion, but Undertaker throws Jeffy outside. Last Ride on Matt. Matt's thrown out. Damn. I has a hilarious "glass ceiling" joke.
#11: Maven. Maybe I can still use that joke. What the hell is his music? Jesus, it's awful. Lita's still out there, and the Hardyz run back in to mess with the Undertaker. He throws them right back out. HOLY SHIT! Maven dropkicks Undertaker from behind and knocks him over the rope. haha. He runs back in and utilizes his Super Beatdown powers. Maven's thrown through the ropes. He takes a Tommy Dreamer-esque chairshot.
#12: Scotty 2 Hotty. Maven back in the ring. Undertaker goes after Scotty. Good. He comes back to the ring to continues the beatdown on Maven. Maven's eliminated by the Undertaker. Undertaker is beating him through the crowd. JR said that he's not eliminated. I swear I've seen Rumbles before where some guy gets eliminated by some guy that was already eliminated. Whatever. They change the rules every year anyway.
#13: Christian. Maven and Undertaker are out by some drunks, one of whom spills his beer all over Maven. Undertaker eats popcorn. That'd be a good sign to make. Is the Rumble over? Okay, now we're back to the ring, and Christian is sitting there. Where's Scotty 2 Hotty? So many questions. Now Scotty comes in.
#14: DDP. Maven's dead by the popcorn. DDP is kicking ass, but Maven comes back. Scotty does the worm on someone, but I don't remember who. Probably Christian, as DDP throws Scotty out right afterwards. Afterwords. Shit, right after the other thing happened.
#15: Chucky. He and DDP go at it. JR keeps talking about Maven not being able to come back. I hope this isn't forshadowing.
#16: The Godfather. He comes out with 4 hos, goes back to get 4 more, and makes one last trip to get 4 more. He's dressed a lot different. Not so stereotypical. JR informs us that DDP has been eliminated, but we have to take his word for it as the camera has been on The Godfather for the past 2 minutes. They finally go back to the ring, and we see a replay of it.
#17: Albert. GRN. Albert's thrown out by the other 3 guys, I think. I couldn't see that well. Godfather does the ho train on Chucky and Christian, but they both move and then eliminate him.
#18: Saturn. Wow. He's greasy looking. And he's wearing cowpatch trunks. The audience starts making noise and looking at the entrance, but I don't know what was going on.
#19: AUSTIN! MA GAWD! MA GAWD! STONE COLD! MA GAWD! MA GAWD! RATTLESNAKE! MA GAWD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! WHAT! WHAT! MA GAWD! Ausitn eliminates Christian. Stunner on Saturn. Eliminates Chucky. JR:"Goodnight sweet prince." I did not want to hear that. Ausitn eliminates Saturn. Ausitn listens to his watch, and then rolls out to get Christian and eliminate him again. He does the same with Chucky. Hey! He's not even wearing a watch!
#20: Val Venis. Hell yeah. Towel and everything. He takes forever dancing and everything. Austin listens to his "watch" and takes it to Venis. Oh Shit. Venis is coming back. Cool.
#21: Test. He has new, shittier music. He goes after Austin. HEEL doubleteam. Austin ducks and Test hits a sick boot on Venis. Austin eliminates Venis. Stunner on Test. Test is out. Austin listens to "watch."
#22: HHH. This'll take about an hour to get started. Hey, Mr. Perfect has a good chance of winning. When HHH finally meanders to the ring, he and Austin trade punches.
#23: Hurricane. Kick some ass, Hurricane. Austin & HHH HEEL doubleteam Hurricane. They eliminate him and get back to each other. Both men go down.
#24: Farooq. He's kicking some ass at first, but then gets stunnard, and elinated by HHH.
#25: Hey where's RVD? Holy Shit! Mr. Perfect! He's accompanied by the towel. This kicks gobs of ass. Perfect takes his fine time getting down there, and throws the towel at Austin. Shit, he's owning them. This rocks. Now Austin and HHH come back and try to eliminate him.
#26: Angle. He goes after HHH. Crowd keeps going "You suck! What!" *sigh* Austin and Perfect in one corner and HHH and Angle in the other. Angle almost has HHH out, but Austin saves him. Why? That makes absolutely no sense. Lawler:"Mr. Perfect hasn't been on a PPV in forever." WWA, Lawler? You were there too. Don't try to act like it didn't happen.
#27: Kane. Who's left? RVD. Crash? Funaki? Big Show and Kane go at it. Hey, when did Big Show come in? Jesus, my numbers are all fucked up, I think. Anyway, Kane bodyslams the Big Show over the top rope. Austin hits Kane with a Stunner, and Angle Olympic Slams him out.
#29, I think, but who knows: RVD. He immediately Frog Splashes Angle. Kicks HHH. Kicks Austin. Kicks Perfect. Bodyslam and Roooooooolling Thunder on Austin. Shit. HHH Pedigreed him. Angle tackles HHH, and everyone is taking a nap.
#30, according to JR: Booker T. He immediately eliminates RVD and does the Spinaroonie. Austin Stunners him out of the ring. Angle slam on HHH. Angle with one suplex on Austin. Two. Three. Low blow by Austin ends all that. Austin goes after Perfect. Angle comes up behind, and they almost get Austin out. Angle eliminates Austin. Mr. Perfect might win. Awesome. Perfect is pulled out by Austin, and Angle goes out there too. Now both come back in. Austin comes in with a chair, and goes to town on all three. He then leaves. Perfect holds HHH for Angle to clothesline him. Miscommunication and Perfect is eliminated. HHH is over, but he holds on! Angle didn't notice! HHH comes back in and wins it! This was an amazing finish the first 5 times I've seen it! Where's Maven? I can already here Scott Keith mentioning the glass ceiling.