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Pre Show: A car is advertised as having both an engine and a motor.

Saturn, with lots of tatoos, has been main eventing (?!?!?!) in New Japan for a few weeks now. However, last week the entire show was an interview between Inoki and that guy from the Makai Club. At the end of the show, Ken Shamrock (!) showed up and I think he joined the Makia Club. None of this means anything, as we'll probably see some shitty fat Mongolians fighting each other.

Do I have the right channel? News Japan, not to be confused with New Japan, just came on. I guess wrestling might not be on for awhile. Maybe it's on 6, not 8. No, it appears that "Supersoccer: The World" is on 6. Maybe 10? Nope. More news on 10. Well Hell's Bells. It's nothing but news or soccer. Ch. 3 is showing that show that teaches us dumb foreigners how to speak Japanese with that really annoying guy that constantly tries to get with the little Japanese girl. The little twerpy guy just said that he didn't know they had kitchens in Japan. This is awful. News Japan appears to have ended in 10 minutes, but another news show came on after it. Wait, it's still News Japan.

Ok, it's 12:15 and I'm pretty sure News Japan ended. Japanese tv kind of just happens. Shows are usually on the same day each week, but rarely at the same time. That is, if it's on at all after the first time you see it. Now some show simply called "Sport" is on. Fuck. Today is Saturday, wqell, Sunday technically, and NJPW comes on Saturday night anytime from 11:30 to 12:30 on Ch. 6, 8, or 10, but I'm pretty sure it's 8. 6 and 10 are showing soccer, and 8 is about to interview Shinjo, that shitty Japanese guy that plays for the Giants. Ok, the soccer on 10 might be over. It's 12:20 now. I'll give it 15 more minutes. More soccer on 10.

Ok, I have reason to believe that wrestling might be on soon. I just realized that last week I watched Bob Sapp on "Sport" right before wrestling came on, so it should be on soon, right? If not, the past two days have been nothing but dissapointment for eviljonhunt81. Yesterday, I went to this little store that sells old toys and various other shit, and I bought what i thought was a picture frame with Ultraman fighting some monster over it, and you'd slide the picture down behind the fighting, turning whatever picture you chose into the best damn picture ever, as I could look on it and remember both the time I played that bus driver video game but lost because I ran a red light then ran over an old lady because I was too busy trying to keep the bus at 40 kph that I forgot to pay attention to where I was driving AND see Ultraman fighting a monster at the same time, but instead, it turned out to be a fucking mirror. I don't have any use for a 2nd mirror, especially one that's about 2" by 4 1/2" and is all blurry and has Ultraman fighting some monster over it so you can't even see your damn reflection. I think it's fairly clear that I NEED wrestling to be on.

12:55: Will & Grace is on Ch. 1. Some boring anime (more than likely dirty) is on 12, and 8 is still "Sport." WAIT! I think it's ending. "Gimmie that Dunkie Butt and them big ole legs, I ain't too hard to beg. Ain't no shame in this game, I'm gonna' break it down and beg like James! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!"

Argh! It's not on yet. There's usually this show on Saturday nights that's nothing but weird clips of stuff. Or clips of weird stuff, if you prefer. It usually shows lots of footage of North Korea.

I planned on finishing one beer when wrestling started and then opening a second during it. Instead, I'm about to finish my 2nd and - WHAT THE FUCK?!?! The "Sport" people were sitting behind their desk, talking (presumably about sports), and then the camera zoomed out to reveal a giant pink furry thing dancing next to them. Jesus. And just like that, they went to commercial.

"Sport" finally ended. We can get this show on the road now. Or not. Some show called "Lovex2keibaG" came on. It's 5 or 6 Japanese girls out at some horse ranch in the snow. Fuck this.

Final Thoughts: I need to start buying the paper to check the tv guide.

BUT WAIT! I (disgustedly) flip to ch. 10 to find Takayama and somebody else coming to the ring. You've got to be kidding me.

Anyway, 2 Japanese shooters vs. Takayama & ?

This is gonna be shit. ?'s name is Hiroshi, I think. Fuck. Hiroshi and Shooter #1 to start. Stuff. Takayama tags in. Shooter kicks the shit out of Takayama in the corner, and the starts jumping on him. haha. boingy boingy. Ref breaks it up. Takayama comes back with a headlock. Shooter forces him to the corner and tags. Stuff. This really isn't that bad, especially when that guy jumped on Takayama. Takayama with a nice German suplex. Other shooter comes in and breaks the pin. Takayama tags. Stuff. Takayama gets tossed outside, where the masked Makai Club guys beat him down. I guess these shooters are in the Makai Club. While that's happening, Hiroshi(?) gets pinned. That was fast.

Backstage: Japanese speaking Japanese. Takayama's case of melty face isn't that bad today.

Inoki's coming to the ring for something. Maybe he's gonna talk about how shitty New Japan is and all the other stuff he's been saying lately. Of course, I wont understand a word he says. He calls some girl into the ring and is gonna slap her. Nice. Wait.

Commercials?

We're back and they start with Inoki getting in the ring. That girl comes in. He slaps her. haha. She bows and leaves. "Ikizo! Ichi! Ni! San! DAAAAAAA!" Ok. Before that can register, we cut to

2 Makai Club guys vs. 1 Japanese Guy

Makai Club guy gets the pin. Cut to

Liger & ? vs. El Samurai & Tiger Mask IV

Why is this all going so fast? TM IV tapped to ?. Cut to

2 White guys vs. some fat Japanese guy

Mike Barton's one of the white guys. Barton Bomb. 3 count. Did fatty have a partner? Cut to

Tag Tournament Brackets

cut to

Clips of Barnett vs. Nagate from a month ago. Cut to

Barnett walking in the snow, acting like he knows Japanese. He sees a snowman and kicks its head off. The he says the only Japanese he knows, which he got from that commercial for the Fist of the North Star virus protector software. Cut to

Chono & Tenzan vs. Barnett & ?

Chono and Barnett are in. Stuff. I have to pee.

Back. Sweet. Barnett's partner is Saturn (w/ lots of tatoos). Saturn's in with Chono. Saturn gets a DVD. Tenzan breaks the pin. They both tag. Tenzan with stuff. Mongolian chops. Body Slam attempted, but Barnett slips over and gets a sleeper. Tenzan breaks out. Lots of stuff going on, which is rare for an NJPW match. Tenzan with a diving headbutt. 2 count. More Mongolian Chops. Barnett thrown to the ropes. Reverses and gets an anklelock. Tenzan kicks his way out of it. Barnett with a flying knee. More knees. Suplex! Reverse Figure-4! Tenzan taps! That was nice.

Backstage: Chono & Tenzan talk. Hey! I'll be able to understand what Saturn and Barnett say.
Saturn: Where'd you learn to fight like that?
Barnett: 7-11.

haha. not really. They actually just stood there and awkwardly looked at each other for a second and stammered out "congratulations" or something like that. I guess Saturn got over his brain damage.

more clips of Barnett vs. Nagata.

Now, Nagata's being interviewed on some street somewhere. now he's in the gym, giving the two interviewers a workout.

Clips of Hashimoto vs. Some White Guy. Back to Nagate talking in the gym. Lots of old clips. Now some other guy in the gym is talking. Now something about the G-1 Climax. I have no idea what is going on.

Nagata vs. Some Guy

I couldn't catch his name. It's not important as we go to

More Commercials: If it's cold out, sit inside drinking hot plum wine with you snowman. Or, go to a ski resort and drink Kirin (beer) while some newscaster gets run over by a giant snowball. Or, if you're me, drink Kirin in your shitty little 1 room apartment all night while waiting for wrestling to come on.

Back to da wrasslin: I think some guy's name is Mosahi, or something like that. Wait, maybe it's Yushima. Feeling each other out to start. Nagata kicks. Standing. Stuff on ropes. Ref breaks it up. Nagata with headlock. Take down. Stuff. Nagata with kicks and knees. Stuff. Nagata puts guy up top. Top Rope Flipping Urange Thingy! 2 count. Stuff. Nagata with kicks, but Guy catches one and gets a Dragon Screw. Guy up top. Top Rope Knee to the Leg Thing. Spinning toehold. Nagata kicks his way out of it and runs to the ropes. Guy reverses with a back stretch, then eventually lets go. Guy goes up top. Missle Dropkick! German Suplex for a 2 count. I already know that Nagata wins this. Whatever. Another backstretch. Wait, it's called an abdominal stretch, I think. Anyway, more stuff happened until Nagat wins with the Nagata Lock. Wait, is the Nagata Lock the Figure 4 thing or the crossface? He won with the crossface, whatever he calls it.

Backstage: They both speak Japanese. Maybe if I stayed here for like 5 more years I'd come to understand them.

Commercials: Try on wedding dresses while drinking plum wine.

Clips of old matches.

Something #3: Some Japanese Guy vs. Dynamite Kid

Clipped. Kid with diving headbutt. 2 count. Clip. Guy with a funky looking pin. 3 count. Kid with beatdown. That was fairly anticlimatic.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Later, when we did the Apollo Theater in New York, I saw something that really blew me away because I didn't know things like that existed. I had seen quite a few strippers, but that night this one girl with gorgeous eyelashes and long hair came out and did her routine. She put on a great performance. All of a sudden, at the end, she took off her wig, pulled a pair of big oranges out of her bra, and revealed that she was a hard-faced guy under all that makeup. That blew me away. . .

As I said, I received quite an educatino as a child. More than most. Perhaps this freed me to concentrate on other aspects of my life as an adult.

-Michael Jackson, Moonwalk p. 30-31.