back to beaking news

This may be the last Lucha rebeak . . . forever. I was informed that my parents have decided to switch from the satellitte to digital cable. I pleaded with them, explaining that Dan Akroyd was a filthy liar, but it was no use. While I'm not sure, I don't believe Galavision is on digital cable in St. Louis. I do know that public access shows those Women's Extreme Wrestling shows. Here's to you Lucha! It was fun while it lasted.

Pre-Show: Mulder threw less pitches in 10 innings than Roger Clemens threw in 6. That's fucking awesome.

Should I just give up and call this a AAA rebeak? "Reyna de Reynas." I probably butchered that spelling.

Commercials: "Silnce al Camino." Does that mean "silent like a horse?"

Hello Ladies!

All the AAA women's division comes to the ring, accompanied by "Pretty Woman." This is not gonna' go well, as I only know about 3 of the 15 or so ladies out there. Is this a Battle Royale? I figured the "Reyna de Reynas" would be a tournament. Guess that shows me for trying to understand AAA. Lots of standing around and clubbering, like any other Battle Royale. Chola's being choked on the rope, yet still has enough energy to wave to the camera. Always the proffessional. Who are all these people? If AAA has this many woman wrestlers on their roster, how many males do they have? And what's with all these questions? AAA makes my brain work overtime. Fuck. Chola just got elminated. She's one of the 3 I know, so of course she gets elminated first. Golden Girl is elminated now. I thought she was Princess Sujei, or whoever, from last week. Oh, there's Princess Sujei getting STOMPED!!! Jesus! Commentators keep busting into English for no discernible reason. Example: "Veronica! What is your problem!?!" Perhaps one of the women is named Veronica. Only Lady Apache, that really fat lady and that scary lady are left. Is her name Esther something?

Commercials: Pelicula is a movie channel? I always thought it was a show about a vampire pelican. I guess that explains that everytime I turned it on, there were no vampires or pelicans.

Turns out that's not that scary lady. Lord, fat lady's too fat to even do a turnbuckle whip reversal. Now that's fat. She eventually is eliminated, then some refs hop in the ring.

Commercials: I don't think that was over.

Oh Sweet Jesus: Sexy Libra vs. Rosa Blanca vs. Sexy Francis vs. May Flower's vs. Polvo Estrella vs. Pimpinela in a Loser Loses Hair Cage Match

Sexy Libra looks like El Chavo put through a blender. Have you ever seen Freaks? He looks a lot like one of the pinheads. Gabba Gabba, indeed. Rosa Blanca is an overweight Brutus Beefcake crossed with Liberace. Sexy Francis comes out doing a little fan dance. He looks kind of like a Mexican Eddie Izzard, if Eddie Izzard was about a million times queerer. The last three I've seen before. The world is truly a frightening place when May Flower's seems tame compared to what's already in the ring. Pimpinela's entrance music rules, and the ref looks very uncomfortable standing so close to him as he dances. He tries to kiss the ref! That's a shoot~~~~~!!!!!~~!~ THE REF HAS THE BATMAN LOGO ON THE BACK OF HIS SUSPENDERS!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?! NOW PIMPINELA'S KISSING AN 80 YEAR OLD MAN IN THE AUDIENCE!!!! I NEED BIGGER LETTERS TO ADEQUATELY EXPRESS HOW FUCKED UP THIS ALL IS!!!!

Commercials: "La Papa sin Catsup." Whoever sings a song like that must be the Mexican equivalent of Anal Cunt.

Sexy Francis is an awesome name. Adding "sexy" to your regular name is an ingenius thing to do, and I love the name Francis. I always say it in this sort of screechy, old lady voice. That and "Clarence." Ok, the match is gonna' start now. Pimpinela . . . Oh man, this is wrong on so many fucking levels. I really really really really really should not be watching this. Nothing but slapping and molesting. This will probably haunt my dreams for some time. How does one decide to become an exotico? Is there some Mexican kid sitting at home right now, seeing this for the first time and finally realizing his life's calling is to dress like Prince's bad acid trip and molest other men in public? Or is it more . . . sinister? The result of a terrible experience in prison, or something? I shudder even thinking about it. *shudder* Sexy Libra climbs out of the cage. Run, Libra! Get help! You don't have to live like this! Now Polvo's posing on top of the cage. I don't think anybody was paying attention to him, so he decided to climb down. Wow. I did not think Rosa Blanca would be able to climb the cage, but there he is. He's having a little bit of trouble getting over the top, though. Uh, should somebody get a ladder or call the fire department, or something? He seriously seems to be having trouble. Oh, ok, he's down now. May Flower's escapes next, leaving just Pimpi and Francis. Francis pretends to be an actual wrestler for a minute. Not a good one, mind you. And he's up and over. Pimpi's BLEEDING! You don't know hardcore until you've seen 6 transvestites in a cage.

Commercials: I don't think I will ever feel clean again.

Oh no. Some kid in the front row is dancing to Sexy Francis' music. So, they do recruit young children! Promos and hair are both cut.

Commercials: I can still see it, even when I close my eyes.

Tiffany vs. Lady Apache

Tiffany being the other lady from before. While this is starting, we get a split screen following some guy to his seat. Tiffany seems pleased when he gets there. Apparently, in Mexico it is perfectly alright to jump the barrier and cut a promo with paid admission. His name's Artor, or something similar. Lady Apache is definitely not happy about all this. He brought a cake for Tiffany. Man, how wacky and out of the blue unpredictably exciting would it be for that to get thrown in somebody's face? Aw man, that would be the most awesome thing ever! I'm sure it wont happen, though. I mean, that's just too crazy, even for wrestling. And now they're singing a song. So, the finals of the Reyna de Reynas has turned into Tiffany's birthday party? Shades of Vince Russo. Vicente Russo, I guess. Ok, the match looks to finally be starting, except the ref's have left the ring.

Commercials: Of course.

Some guy named Raoul comes out. I guess he's a RUDO ref? Oh yeah, he's slow counting all over the place to help Tiffany. You know, if I ever had to deal with a RUDO ref, I'd just try for a submission. I said that to sound super smarky, so of course, Lady Apache goes for the surfboard. The ref eventually starts blatantly fighting Apache. Outside the ring, he's holding her from behind. OH MY GOD IS TIFFANY GOING TO GET THAT CAKE!!! SHE IS!!! THIS IS THE WACKIEST, MOST UNPREDICTABLE THING EVER!!!! WHO WOULD HAVE EVEN THOUGHT OF THIS!!!!! LADY APACHE DUCKS THE CAKE! LADY APACHE DUCKS THE CAKE! LADY APACHE DUCKS THE CAKE!! The ref sells it like a fucking chair shot. Artor runs in and punched Lady Apache! Tiffany hits something and gets the pin. All the other luchadoras come out. Why does Tiffany have Lady Apache's belt, now? Here's a conviniently pre-taped segment interviewing Tiffany in the park. And she was conviniently borrowing Lady Apache's belt that day.

Commercials: This is really starting to get to me.

Noti AAA: Antonio Pena is involved in everything. La Parka won some award in 2001. He's in a suit! He won again in 2002.This is awesome. La Parka in a suit, and when they show the nominees, I get to see clips of the CMLL guys who were nominated. This segment goes on for fucking ever, though. In 2003, he sounds very ill. I wish American Award Shows had masked wrestlers in them. Now he's pimping at some after-party. Hey, how does he have all 4 of the awards? I mean, wasn't that LA Park who won the previous 3 years? Now Heavy Metal's being talked about. The recapper at WO claims they said he left to pursue his dreams, or something. I guess I'll take his word for it. The link to his recap said something about bad news, but he never seemed to mention any bad news in his actual recap.

Commercials: This week on "Hasta el Limite:" SNAILS!

This Black Family video looks exactly like some Death Metal band's video you'd see on public access.

Black Family vs. Barrio Boys

Inexplicably, this is from Japan. The Barrio Boys get the crowd to chant "Mexico." I guess the Black Family is FROM HELL!!! Why the sudden Marilyn Manson song? Ok, it went away. I love watching these guys, as it reminds me of your average American Indy match. Crowd is fucking silent. As silent as a horse. These guys definitely aren't lazy, but just not terribly compelling. Woah! That corkscrew tope was cool, though. Uh, why does the side of that Barrio Boy's pants say "Penis?" Climax is named dropped. Is this match really the last one I'm gonna' rebeak? What a kick in the ass. Skateboard assisted plancha is pretty cool. Barrio Boys eventually win by submission. Not bad, but not really good. Just there.

Commercials: And that's that.

Barrio Boys and Black Family are friends after all. How touching.

Oh fuck! AZTEC ACTION IS BACK!!!! What the fuck?!?! The Japanese probably have enough fucked up ideas about Mexico without you adding to them, AAA. Demon Voice: ". . .FIGHT! Fight, and DANCE WITH THE DEVIL!" *cue shitty techno* This is fucking insane. AAA makes sure that we leave just the way we started. A little bit scared, a little bit confused, but deep down, I know it's all good. It's all good.

Final Thoughts: Mesa no mas aplauda.