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Pre-Show:I forgot to mention that, according to Matt Hardy, Edge = Feces.

Only 1 hour this week. The replay at 2 AM is gonna' be 2 hours, so I'll see what's on it.

Hey, it's AAA! Sailor Konnan?!?!? Oh yeah, we have to start with Jesus Zuniga in the town square, giving us the history of the town. If he wore period costumes, this might be . . . no, this would still be boring. Woah, back in the arena we have an Aztec playing a conch. AAA bringing the history lessons. Holy Shit! Ritual Sacrifice in the middle of the ring!!! It made Satan play shitty techno!!! Aztecs had raves?!?!? Man, this has to be offensive to somebody. I think this is fucking awesome, but about 50% of the time that means somebody is terribly offended. The crowd is incredibly not interested. Now we have pyro. Is something going to happen? Commercials: I guess not.

Uh . . . is this a match? Octagaon is in the ring with somebody. A fan, perhaps? Hard to tell. Now two of the "exoticos" come to the ring. The third guy to come to the ring is no exotico, but is somehow 20 times as gay. Is that an exotico in the front row? I don't know what Octagon was doing in the ring, as we now have

Polvo de Estrellas vs. May Flower's vs. Poncho de Nigris

Poncho? Nigris is the completely faggy one, which is saying something when you're in the ring with dudes who make Goldust look like Stan Hansen. Octagon is in the front row, sitting next to the possible exotico, who appears to be on oxygen. Uh . . . Estrella's not in the ring. God, Nigris looks just like some kid from Nebraska that hated his parents and dreamed of running of to the big city, all the while harboring secret homosexual curiosities, and finally gets the nerve to do it after his dad catches him putting on lipstick and beats the shit out of him, only to end up broke and homeless in the city, eventually acquiring an expensive smack habit and sucking off insecure 50 year old men in order to support his need. What the fuck is this fat dude in a pink jersey doing? Apparently he came to watch this fag get his ass beat by two transvestites. Maybe he's the jock from back in the small town, who always used to beat Nigris up for being a fag, all the while being equally as curious as to what the beauty of man-love really feels like, when one day, when he's in the big city for the state championship game, he stumbles down the wrong alley at night and discovers Nigris hunched over a dumpster, taking all the pent up aggression and frustation the head of the local Kiwanis Club has been keeping inside for these 40 long years. Upon being spotted, the Kiwanis president freaks out, and, with a head full of pain pills and expensive whiskey, charges at the man far younger and stronger than himself. Easily tossed aside, the pink jersey wearing jock, suddenly filled with both fear and rage, lashes out, beating the poor man so badly nobody'll ever believe he simply "fell down the stairs," thus costing him many important business deals in the near future, as word spreads that his young wife is often seen out on the town at trendy nightclubs, dissapearing into private VIP rooms accompanied by enough men to fill a full squad on a football team. Back in the present, though, Nigris honestly believed that the business man's gifts expressed more than his want to fulfill his carnal needs, and he fears for his life. "STOP," he calls out. The unadulterated fear in his voice is instantly recognizable by the pink jersey guy. He remembers when the football team tied him up and left him out in the middle of the cornfield, stripped naked, and how he so wanted to rush back and rescue Nigris, but he was afraid. But here, now, he could help him! He stops his brutal assualt, and the business man is quick to make his escape to the nearest cab. Hesitantly, he calls out. "Nigris? Is that really you?" The past two years have not been kind to Nigris, and his past is mainly a blur of one broken heart followed by another, and the constant yearning for his next hit. However, the tenderness and hint of excitement in pink jersey guy's voice strikes a nerve. "Pink jersey guy," Nigris asks back. Standing, they both gaze into each other's eyes for what seems to be an eternity. Instantly they both understand that they've both been waiting for the same thing. No amount of drugs or trips to trendy nightclubs can compare to the warmth that Nigris feels right now, just as no amount of state championships can come close to making pink jersey guy feel as wonderful as he feels right now. They both know they want it, but they're afraid. "Why am I afraid," Nigris asks himself. "I've had more lovers than I've had showers in my life, but why am I afraid to kiss him?" Pink jersey guy, however, has found himself standing on the edge of a cliff. Leap over, and the possibility of boundless joy is there. Step back, and always wonder what you're missing. Never being one to back down from a dare, he leaps. The sheer passion in this one tender kiss overwhelming the two of them, there is no way to fight back these urges. They are instantly on top of one another, not even caring that the alleyway behind a sleazy Chinese restaurant is probably not the cleanest place to make your bed. Eternities come and go, and they finally stop to "make small talk." Pink jersey guy realizes that he can never go back to the life that he once led, and Nigris realizes the same. Obviously, their only possible escape is to the world of Mexican Proffessinoal Wrestling.

Hmm. That needs a bit of work. Consider it a work in progress. The possible exotico in the front row is now pulling Flower's's hair. Octagon looks bored as hell. Flower's has run backstage now. Good, maybe this'll be over soon. No, he's back. He went to get a chair. Argh! This is awful. Eventually, fat guy pulls his shirt off, and his ass-crack makes a brief and unschedules appearance. Yeah, this better be over, as I'm gonna' fast forward the tape. Commercials: Nothing.

Replays of the "highlights" from the previous match. Wait, Konnan AND Rikishi?!?!?

More Commercials?: I'd rather drink warm Tecate than Miller Lite.

Possible exotico is now in the ring receiving some award. Or, awarding some receiver. She places a tiara upon some girl's head. Your guess is as good as mine. Uh-oh. Looks like (fake) La Parka has an awesome entrance coming up later. I will probably completely lose my shit again.

Fucking more Commercials: The show's half over, and we've only had that one "match." God, I hate AAA.

FUCK: Cibernetico/La Parka vs. Rikishi/Konnan

So . . . we're not gonna' see La Parka's entrance? Everybody's already in the ring. Fuck AAA. What the fuck is Konnan wearing?!? Some weird tassle shit. Why was he dressed like a glittery M. Bison earlier? And why is this match even happening in the first place? Rikishi stares La Parka down, but Konnan sticks up for him. "Odele! He's good people!" He didn't really say that. Commentator: "RIKISHI!!! A-KISHI-KISHI-KISHI-KISHI-KISHI!!!!" Good God, this is gonna' be terrible. Why even bother, AAA? La Parka's terrified over Rikishi's ass. It haunts his dreams. He and Konnan to start, and MY GOD THIS SUCKS! Shittiness left and right. La Parka stops to dance, and Konnan fucking applauds him?!?!? Tag to Rikishi. Was Super Astros just mentioned? La Parka is, again, terrified of Rikishi's ass. Sunset Flip is attempted BECAUSE THAT ALWAYS FUCKING WORKS, RIGHT LA PARKA!! FUCK!!!!!!!! He avoids being sat on, and goes to tag Cibernetico, who immediately turns on him. SHOCKING~! Konnan's just standing around watching. No, he eventually joins in the RUDO beatdown. Bla bla bla. Is this even a match anymore? Oh, poor La Parka's all bloody and mask-rippy. Oh, this is so fucking terrible. Stink face. You know, I never once missed seeing that move. Not once. Huh. Even Octagon is fucking tired of this, so he jumps the rail to make the save. Rikishi kicks about 2 feet in front of La Parka's face, who sells it like death. He then headbutts his crotch. Banzai Drop. PLZ END! La Parka's inexplicably declared the winner, although Octagon ran in and interfered on his behalf. Fucking AAA. Antion Pena comes out now, with his Technico army. GRONDA IN PANTS! GRONDA IN PANTS! GRONDA IN PANTS! GRONDA IN PANTS! Pena gets the mic and says something. Presumably "stop." La Parka's still selling as he's dead, despite that being the worst beatdown ever. Oh, I guess Rikishi did sit on him.

Commercials: This is fucking terrible. Oh sweet. El Chavo marathon. That looks hilarious. Woah, animated Vicente Fernandez is fucking weird.

Pena's still talking. Gronda's painted abs are missing. Weird music starts playing. Ugh, please don't remind us what we just had to sit through. Backstage, fatty interviews La Parka and Octagon. Some dude motions for all the guys standing in the back of the shot to move out of the way. Hahaha, they moved like 2 steps. Abismo Negro shows up. Gronda's there too. Brawling all around. Negro tries to light Parka on fire, but he moves and SOME RANDOM GUY IS ON FIRE!!! AWESOME!!! The guys trying to put him out FUCKING CATCH THEIR HANDS ON FIRE!!!!!!!! AWESOMER!!!!!!!!!! I wish this fucking tape would catch on fire. Oh man, AAA, that was cool, but I still fucking hate you.

Back to the arena, where the commentators are inexplicably standing on the entrance ramp. And . . . that's it. Huh.

Final Thoughts: Well, that sucked. I wonder what's on the replay. Guess I'll rebeak that, as well.

Upon rewinding through it, the 2 AM show appears to be some old ass hour of CMLL followed by an equally old hour of AAA. I really don't know if I can sit through another hour of AAA. Ah, let's just do it.

Mistico's backstage praying? Mistirioso and Volador Jr. walk up and talk about . . . something. Fuck if I know what's going on. Oh, looks like they have a match.

Mistico/Mistirioso/Volador Jr. vs. Olimpico/Mephisto/Averno

1st Caida: Guess who's going over? Mistico's probably gonna' pin Olimpico in two straight rounds, to boot. Well, maybe this is from long enough ago that Mistico didn't make everybody look like his bitch. Mephisto and Volador to start. Man, they haven't even done anything yet, and this is already better than that AAA. Seriously, Konnan & Rikishi vs. La Parka & Cibernetico? Fuck, that was awful. WOAH! Averno tosses Mistico up, and he lands STANDING ON HIS SHOULDERS!!!! Hurricanrana from his shoulders sends Averno outside. Mistico botches what looked to be that Space Flying Tiger Drop thing who's name I still can't remember. Corkscrew plancha is done instead. Shortly thereafter, Technicos take the fall. Suprisingly, Mistico was not involved.

2nd Caida: Nice paper crown, guy in front row. Olimpico vs. Mistirioso now. Oh sweet Jesus, this kicks AAA's ass. I swear I will never ask for any AAA again as long as I live. Why is Mistico praying? Hopefully he's praying for this to magically turn into 2 hours of CMLL. SHIT! There's a fucking Polar Bear up in the caged section of the crowd! I don't think I ever explained that, not that I'm sure how. There's part of the audience that's caged off, and all the guys in there wear matching shirts and bang on drums and shit. Your guess is as good as mine.

Brief glimpse of the dancing girls, but now we're back to the 3rd Caida. There's been no RUDO beatdown yet, so why not start now. Where's Mistico? Oh, that's him getting beatdown. Now Volador. Now Mistirioso. OH! Sick sunset-flip powerbomb thing on Mistirioso onto the floor! Uh, Mistico just rolled Averno up for the win. That was abrupt. Wait, it might not be over yet. Oh, nevermind. It is.

Commercials: Galavision shows bullfighting? Awesome.

Spectacular Moments: Uh . . . an unimpressive armbar? Top-rope moonsault to the outside. Who was that? Vampiro hits a top-rope belly-to-belly suplex. Kind of. Hey, I think I saw this clip of Perro Aguayo getting kicked in the face before. Corkscrew Plancha by LA Park. None of that was terribly spectacular.

Wagner's in the ring, talking about his father passing away. Dude in shirt and tie with a Wagner mask on! Awesome!

Commercials

What the fuck? Two guys in robes walk out while Atlantis's music is playing, then drop the robes to reveal TWO ATLANTIS'S!! Then they mirror each other's poses for a moment before walking backstage. What the fuck was that? Atlantis has apparently been in the ring this entire time. Atlantis/Blue Panther/Mascara Sagrada vs. Vampiro/Tarzan Boy/Pierroth

1st Caida: Vampiro came out in a "1000% Guapo" shirt. That's cool. Pierroth's entrance contains a dance routine!! He RUDOed those valets!! And his sons are wearing suits!! SUITS AND MASKS!!!!! All the Pierroth's are out there, talking about Puerto Rico, or something. Pierroth starts to sing the Puerto Rican national anthem, but is attacked by Technicos. Racists. This match probably isn't going to be very good, but it certainly wont be fucking Konnan & Rikishi vs. La Parka & Cibernetico! Why the fuck were Cibernetico and La Parka even teaming together in the first place?!?! RUDOs take the first fall. Woah, lots of RUDOs in the audience. Don't bring your baby to a wrestling match! Actually, assuming the government doesn't step in and remove any future children of mine immediately, I'll probably be doing the same thing.

2nd Caida: Is it just me, or are the girls hotter this week? Perhaps it's do to the damage down to my eyes by the horror that was yesterday's AAA. Mascara Sagrada doesn't look as old, either. Odd. Technicos win.

3rd Caida: No commercials? Atlantis goes for a plancha on Pierroth, but he moves so he nails Pierroth's wife! Top-rope crossbody to the outside by Mascara on Tarzan Boy. Panther with powerbomb on Vampiro! 2 count! They go outside. Atlantis and Pierroth are in the ring. Low blow gives the fall to the Technicos. Pierroth, you fucking dumbass. Tarzan Boy and Vampiro are pissed. Doctors are checking on Atlantis's groin. Hands down pants!

Commercials:

LADIES! Next week: I don't even know what week they mean by "next week."

Back to the ring, where . . . nothing's really happening. Oh, I think Pierroth was pissed that Atlantis planchaed his wife, so he kicked him in the nuts. Perfectly reasonable. Stop overreacting, Vampiro. Commercials: Ugh. This means AAA is gonna' start in a minute. Heaven help us.

We start with clips of . . . I don't know. Random shit. All it does is remind me of why I shouldn't be watching this. Well, hello ladies.

Commercials: Is porkiness an STD?

Hello again, ladies.

Grand Apache will rock you. Jesus, that "woo-woo-woo-woo" stereotypical Indian noise eminating from nowhere rules. Is the announcer doidng it? Awesome, this is gonna' be

Apache/Faby Apache vs. Oriental/Cinthia Moreno

Actually, this probably won't be awesome at all. Still, it's not FUCKING RIKISHI AND KONNAN!!! Faby vs. Oriental to start. Here's a secret: I have a crush on Faby Apache. Please don't tell her. Guapa indeed. Apache and Cinthia now. Another secret: I think Apache looks like Mel Brooks. Actually, I guess that's not a secret at all, as he fucking looks just like him. Not much is happening, but at least it DOESN'T HAVE ANYBODY MAKING REQUESTS TO SPEAK ON THIS!!!! This is probably the best AAA match I've seen in ages, which is even more impressive considering Apache is involved. Oriental hits a top-rope moonsault to the outside on Apache. Faby with a Michinoku Driver! Oriental breaks up the pin. 2nd rope Side Russian Legsweep by Cinthia. Surfboard stretch! Apache breaks it up. He then punches Cinthia IN THE FACE!! Jesus! She gets the roll-up! Faby makes the save. Another punch by Apache! Now he's going for the surfboard! Oriental hits a frog splash! Faby with a missle dropkick! Apache hits Cinthia with an airplane spin and gets the 3 count! Uh . . . maybe not, as Oriental's in now. STF! Rolls Apache up. Apache reverses! Only 2! DDT to a majistrol! 3 count! I guess this is elimination, as now he's fighting Faby. STIFF kick to her back. Flippy legdrop! Only 2! Slams her down and hits a standing moonsault! 2 again! Faby with a rollup! Only 2! Sit-out powerbomb! 2! FUCK!!! Tiger Driver!!!! Finally, she gets the 3 count!! That was pretty fun.

Commercials: See, AAA? You didn't have to use Rikishi and Konnan.

Um . . . tons of clips from the match we JUST FUCKING SAW!!! You know, if they didn't stop to show us practically the entire match again we could probably have more than one match per show!! Woah! La Parka's zombie entrance looks to be making an appearance later. Hopefully AAA isn't lying to me again.

Commercials

Who the fuck are the Kumbia Kings? Wait, I think I've seen this part on AAA before. Pena probably has a crush on one of the members. Woah, this match is gonna' rock! Wait, they're not actually showing it. It looks to be teams of regular dudes with their mini version. Wait, there's Chucky!!! What's he doing?!?! Alright, don't explain.

Mascara Sagrada enjoys a walk through the woods. You know, while the CMLL Mascara Sagrada appears to be about 80 years old, he's still better than this dude. Inexplicably, he stops talking and just starts posing for the camera. Now Abismo Negro's somewhere in the forest. I hate this.

Commercials: Fuck AAA. This show is bullshit. You know what? I hope there's not another match.

Now we have an interview with Latin Lover. ARGH!!! This fucking sucks. Ah, shit. there is another match.

Sangre Chicano vs. Latin Lover

The Mexican Rip Taylor in the front row seems to be a fan on Latin Lover's. Oh man, this is gonna' suck. Who's that guy with the shoulderpads? Oh, it's Heavy Metal. IS THAT THE BATMAN LOGO ON THE BACK OF THE REF'S SUSPENDERS!!!! IT IS!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

Headlocks galore!! The match just started, and it's nothing but restholds. I know you guys ain't going an hour or anything, as there's only like 10 minutes left on the show. Batref tells Fierra to stop interfering in the match. Some more stuff. You know who shouldn't be trying to pull off some mat-wrestling classic? These two. Heavy Metal and Mexican Rip Taylor exchanging words outside the ring. Fuck, cameraman, don't go back to the ring! Please! EW!!!! Somebody in the audience has a picture (framed?!?!?!) of Latin Lover IN THE NUDE!!!! Don't fucking bring that to a wrestling show, there's babies here!!! Oh no! Ref Bump! BAM! hahaha. Oh, this sucks. Fierra's toped into the crowd. Latin Lover with a superkick. Sharpshooter. Chessman (?) runs in and spits in his face. Chican gets 3. That's not Chessman, but Charly Manson. They look alike. Sorry. Charly Manson is just Chessman in Gangrel's shirt. Oh, wait, it is Chessman. Fuck it. It all comes down to suck in the end.

Final Thoughts: AND Lucha de Vuelta's all AAA?!?!?! FUCK!