RAW IS LIVE ARENA REPORT THING!!!

April 22, 2002
Rebeaker: Eviljonhunt81

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Yes, your truly, eviljonhunt81, attended RAW live last night. I have been very busy as of late, so haven't gotten to read how shitty everyone on the internet thinks it is, so expect untainted, open minded enjoyment to shine through in this report.

Doors were supposed to open at 5:30, but they didn't. Osama has already won. Just standing outside, there were more Hardy Boyz jerseys than I could shake a stick at, and I can shake sticks at large amounts of inanimate objects. Anyway, they eventually let us in, and I found my seats. 2ND ROW BABY! Hell yeah. These seats rocked. It was the edge of the second row, near JR and Lawler. Sort of facing the cameras and looking straight at the side of JR and Lawler. Anyway, the show seemed to take forever to start.

No dark matches, but they played some video to hype us up. I think it was that one to Kid Rock's cocky. I don't know. Shows how hyped it got me. Coach and Raven came down, so HEAT was about to start. Wait, before this, some guy took a sign from the people down the row from me that said "Jazz is my Baby Daddy." I hate that guy now. He didn't even ask to see my sign ("Playa Why You Hatin'") or my friends ("Something About Brock Lesnar Whoopin' Ass"), which made us feel like complete losers. Anyway, HEAT is weird, as the commentary is taped afterwards, so Raven and Coachman just sit there the whole time, not talking to each other or anything. Raven was strecthing, so I figured he had a match on RAW tonight.

So I'm hyped as hell, and then Crash Holly comes out. Fuck. Just when I figure it can't get any worse, Boss Man comes out. I think Boss Man finally won, but I don't remember. I was so hungry, and had so little cash. I eventually borrowed some money from my friend for popcorn.

I think the next match was Justin Credible vs. Tommy Dreamer, but I don't remember. It doesn't matter, as Eddie Guerreroroa came out next. Hell Yeah. It only gets better, though. His opponent: wicka wicka D'Lo Brown. I went fucking crazy. D'Lo has new, shitty music, which seems to be a requirement for WWF wrestlers now. Eddie finally won. I think it was here that they played HHH's beautiful day, as THE MAN'S QUAD WAS TORN IN HALF!!! He's on Smackdown, and has been back in action for about 3 months, but I guess somebody still cares. Steven Richards then came out, badmouthed Raven, and had his as beat by Raven. Time for RAW!

RAW starts with Brock Lesnar vs. Matt Hardy. The security guy tells me and my friend to sit down when the match starts. Fuck him. Brock kills Matt. That ruled.

Ric Flair and Undertaker do stuff backstage. I can never understand what they're saying. Oh well, it's time for commercials anyway.

Undertaker comes out, and the crowd starts to "what" him. I think the crowd was pretty good at not being too annoying with that, compared to some towns. It was bad at first, but got better throughout the night. Anyway, HHH shows up on the crookedtron, walking past Justin Credible and Stevie Richards. He then bum rushes the show. It kicked ass when he kept dropping that monitor on Undertaker's head. That was hilarious. Eventually, he learned not to mess with the STLPD.

After the commercials was the Booker T. and Goldust at the movies thing. This was probably the best part of the show. When Booker T. though "Scorpion Queen" was the funniest thing ever. Hell yeah. We then saw Regal say something to Flair. I still can't understand them.

Eddie comes back out, dressed to a T, to watch RVD and Mr. Perfect. My friend swears Eddie looked him right in the eyes after he beat up RVD. I say he's a dirty liar. Oh yeah, they kept showing these "WWF Flashback" things all night, all of which involved Hogan beating somebody. I didn't understand.

Eating a whole box of popcorn made me so thirsty, so I had to go find some water. I came back to see the ladies fighting. Decent enough.

After the commercials, Ric Flair comes out to apologize. Whatever. Ausitn came out to say the same thing he always does. Whatever. He and Bradshaw are gonna face the NWO tonight. You get the idea.

Buh Buh and Spike vs. Goldust and Booker T. Booker T.'s entrance kicks so much ass live. At the end, when Buh Buh put Stevie Richards throught that table, I swear he looked at me right in the eyes. He knows.

Stasiak backstage saying stuff. I dunno. I know he fought Regal, but I don't remember it at all. Maybe I went to the bathroom. Oh wait, it was over real quick. Yeah, that was funny. I remember now.

blah blah blah. To cut to the chase, after the cameras went off, Hogan came out, and he and Austin beat up the NWO. The Austin stunnared Hogan. A minute later, Hogan got up and the two began drinking beers. It was pretty funny, as Austin kept tossing them to Hogan, who didn't seem to want anymore. Hebner had a few. They all kept flicking the crowd off. It was hilarious. Hogan stumbled off like he was drunk. I wish this made it to tv, as we were all hyped. Then I went home and cried.

FINAL THOUGHTS: D'Lo.