March 30, 2002
Rebeaker: Eviljonhunt81
CAW CAW CAW: Hey, in the last "Jakked" rebeak I did, the first match was Raven vs. Funaki. Weird. This sin't Raven vs. Funaki, though. Tommy Dreamer comes out next. Raven won the hardcore title on SMackdown, but this is a non-title match. Coach and possibly Michael Cole (remember on that last one where I kept callign him Michael Cole and it turned out to be Kevin Kelley? Those were the days. I have nothing to work with on this rebeak. That sure isn't Kelley, though) keep talking about the Draft. Coach says something about football drafts, but this is different because every superstar is already established. Is Tiger Ali Singh really that established? Dreamer hits a backdrop. Cole: "OH! Suplex!" More talk about the Draft. Thank God Jazz can show up on both shows. Do Coach and Cole even have monitors to watch this match? Dreamer hits some move for the win. I didn't see it. I looked outside to see who was honking.
Creepy Chris Leary tells us St. Louisans to buy tickets to RAW. Way ahead of ya. Why do you think I got up at 9 AM today, after only 3 hours of sleep? I did get 2nd row tickets, though. I need serious help. Hey, up next I'll get to see Kane acting like a goof. Hell yeah.
Before They Were Stars: You didn't care about them.
More blah blah commercials. I'm starving.
Metal is brought to you by (among other things) Wolverine boots and shoes. THEY DON'T QUIT! Never heard of 'em. Also, Van Wilder reminds Coach of his college days. When he was white. Or something. I should stop now.
The Big Valbowski comes out. He's not Val Venis anymore. So sad. I don't think that other guy is Cole. Coach: "Now, Marky Mark, I know this is your first week on Metal," so get used to wrestlers nobody cares about except for losers on the internet, who then don't watch Metal. A vicious circle. Lance Storm comes out. This match should kick ass. That stupid ticker from Monday is going across the bottom of the screen. I wish Storm and Tajiri were on RAW. St. Louis is gonna get Smackdown in the Fall, but I'll be smarking it up in Japan by then anyway. Oh well. C'est la vie. Coach and Mark (?) are talking about free agents, or something. How did the WWF draft guys that it fired? Storm with a backdrop. Mark (?): "OH! Big slam by Storm!" Getting closer. Eventually Storm holds the tights for the win.
Get ready Kanenites, we got recaps next? Are those like Menonites?
Scorpion King is gonna suck, but I'll probably see it anyway. I hate myself sometimes.
I predict the Cardinal will win 100+ games this season. I am a moron, though.
WWF Rewind (of the week) brought to you by Castrol GTX: NWO is beating Hogan and the Rock! BUWAIT! It's kane! It's Kane! By GAWD! Why?
Last Thursday: Rock and Hogan get out of the shower, or something. Rock: :Yeah this cat is scary. Yeah he's big . . . he's scary." Ugh. STOP FUCKING SAYING CAT! Kane comes in and acts the fool. That's hilarious. JR laughing outloud is a bit unerving. Wait, I guess that's Cole laughing. Even weirder. Kane has a seizure, which rules too. TO THE MATCH! Hall is bloody. Other guys doing stuff. Go read Super Shane Spears' recap if you care that match. Oh . . . that's right.
WWF Forceable Entry. I do not like that name. I'm gonna get food.
I'm back in time to see a WWF Draft Moment. McMahon chooses the Rock first, in case we forgot to mention it a million times by now.
Test come sout accompanied by shitty new music. Spike Dudley is next. You know every other time Test and Spike fight? Then you know this match. Test wins after the Big Boot.
yup
Boot of the Week: Flair picks Undertaker. Undertaker complains to Vince. No booting involved. ONE!
Recap of the main even from Smackdown. Use the same joke from above.
I swear I've been seeing this same ad for Tough Enough 2 for like 3 weeks. If it's been on 3 weeks.
Tajiri & Funaki on a team? Fuck yeah. Tajiri's on Smackdown, but I think Funaki dodged the draft, like Godfather and Rhyno. Now Kidman's coming out. He gets a pretty good pop, too. This rules. Coach: "All 4 of these superstars will be on Smackdown." He's lying. I think. Anyway, Hurricane is the 4th guy. This is a damn good match. See, smarks always complain about the lack of decent wrestling on RAW, but don't watch Metal. Hypocrites. Coach: "You could almost [call them] (he says "you could almost say," which made no sense in context, and even less out of it) 4 cruiserweights." Almost, Coach. Almost. Tajiri: He kicks a lot. He eventually pins Kidman after kicking him. Mark(?): "Vince McMahon's got to be happy he has these 4 superstars on Smackdown." Now he doesn't have to think too hard about who to job out each week.
Don't dig holes without calling 1-800-DIG-RITE.
WWF: don't drozzle yourself at home.
Castrol GTX presents: Backlash. We haven't announced any matches yet!
WATCH RAW< FUXORS!!!
Edge vs. Goldust on HEAT tomorrow. Regal vs. Tajiri, too.
Mark(?): "Coach, thanks for holding me up on my very first METAL." Coach: "Yeah, I know. I hurt my back." Gross.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Maybe I should have taken a nap before work. Or gone ot get a haircut. Or done something. Ah well.