June 17, 2002
Rebeaker: SOFA Eviljonhunt81
Here's the deal, though. SOFA seems to have walked like Steve Austin, which means that he's out right now raisin' hell and postin' bail, so I turned my FIRST COLUMN IN AGES!!!! into the RAW rebeak. Yes, I am inebriated.
I watch RAW at my friend's place, so I need to look at a recap to freshen the old memory. CRZ's isn't up yet, so let's see what 411 has. Hmm. Scott Keith or some guy named PK. PK it is.
Star Trek has Data wearing Grand Naniwa's mask, and Picard was wearing a shiny Aldo Montoya mask. Sounds gay enough. RAW starts.
LAST WEEK: Shawn Michaels does what I would have done better. But aren't we Smarks always better?
Opening mumbles. No Austin. RVD vs. Eddie ladder match has been added.
We're in Oakland! Tonight: Booker T. vs. Goldust! King of the Ring. Winner gets a title shot this year. Also: did you watch Confidential? We didn't think so. See what you missed later on.
BUT FIRST: RVD vs. X-Pac. I was heavy into a second game of Spades at this point (I went nil 5 or so times!), but what I saw kicked ass. Booker T. eventually came in and hit the Book End? OK. I haven't seen that in awhile. Since we all know what happened later, I started blabbering here about how it would be cool to see him use that again, and I figured he could with the Rock gone.
Jr sez: Austin is out. Out like gout.
Fast forward through the commercials. X-Pac is back stage whining. JUST LIKE IN REAL LIFE! YUK YUK YUK! He's a cancer! He's holding down Regal!
Vince comes out and talks about Austin forever. Now, here's the thing. I haven't read any message boards or anything yet, but if Smarks complain about how this was handled, they have gone beyond any semblance of reason or even enjoyment of wrestling. If they had tried to ignore it, then you would complain about that. They had to work it into the story somehow, as everybody knows about it. I think it was handled amazingly well, and commend Stephanie McMahon on her job, even if it was done on the fly and all designed to hold back Jericho and Benoit.
More commmercials means more fast forwarding. Yin and Yang.
Match 2:Jeff Hardy vs. Raven? On RAW? Austin fucked some shit up, apparently. Anyway, I really enjoy Raven's style. It's so generic, and I love it for some reason. I like Jeff Hardy, too, BECUZ WE R BOTH THE HOMO FAGZ!!! Yeah. I like anybody that falls through shit. Anyway, Undertaker comes out to watch. I guess he was working last night and missed HEAT. Jeff Hardy eventually wins. Ho hum.
Should I even bother to keep mentioning commercial breaks? I have nothing to say during them, but I think it would be odd to ignore them, and just putting "commercials" or something, (like PK does, oddly enough)would look weird.
Goldust is the Duke of Gold. Booker T. doesn't cut as good a promo as I'm used to SUCKAAAAA! haha. That was a good promo right there.
Coach is walking down the hall. That's really funny to me for some reason. He sees Molly using a thight master, despite the angle being about her fat ass. How white is Coach? I mean, I can see Lawler and JR not appreciating a big ole juicy ass, but Coach? Damn you white, boy. Anyway, after that Borck Lesnar confronts the NWO via Paul Heyman. Gayman, as those of us in the know, call him. Brock stares down just about everybody in the NWO. So, is he a face? I don't understand. One of them better start dissing America soon so I know who to boo.
Commercials.
See, that looks weird, doesn't it? Dammit. I guess that's I stick to rebeaking PPVs. Anyway, we see something about Chris what's his face, and then he comes out accompanied by Regal. Why didn't they show Jeff Hardy's lament for a whole pound of food (-obligatory "pound of food" joke in a rebeak. I think it refers to a commercial, but I've yet to see it.)? He's fighting Spike Dudley, because chumps like that wouldn't survive a day in Harvard, Biznatch! I wish the Mean Street Posse was still around. Chris eventually wins. I play Spades, but think it's Shawn Stasiak every time I look up. He and Regal stomp Spike after Chris gets the win with some stupid-spinny-slam-urangey type of move that every mid carder seems to use as a finisher. Bradshaw then comes out, as we need a tag match for HEAT this Sunday, boys!
Flair is walking backstage. BO-RING! BO-RING!
The unspeakable
Flair comes out and begin talking about Austin. I being to speculate that somebody else might come back tonight. Maybe Goldberg or Bret Hart. My friend says the Rock. My pot head friend. Fuck that. Austin's music plays, we all wet are pants in anticipation, then it changes Latino Heat. Fucking hilarious. Goddamm you, Eddie Guerrero. My friend Nick, who's just getting into wrestling, really hates Eddie Guerrero. I do, too. He's so fucking evil, and I am such a mark. Anyway, he goes off on Flair, then Benoit comes out. He acts like he's sticking up for Flair, but ends up helping Gurrero kick Flair's ass. Speaking of Mexicans, Rey Mysterio is gonna be on Smackdown soon. In a mask. While lucha smarks may bitch and moan, I really wish I could see that. Fucking St. Louis. Oh, somewhere in there they announced Eddie vs. Flair at King of the Ring, in case you didn't know.
Vince is talking on the phone to some look out at the airport and hints that Austin is on the way. Chris keeps talking to him about Harvard the whole time. As RVD would say: Whatever. I bet there was a Truth commercial in here, so I would make a joke about it. Some new study claims that smoking has gone up since they started these commercials. I prefer the ones about smoking pot. I guess they're saying "shit, they ain't afraid of funding terrorists, what if we told them that they won't be allowed to shoot other kids in the face with water guns?"
Vince tells Slaughter to watch for Austin. After that, we get HEAT MATCH NUMBER 2: D'Lo and Trish vs. Crash and Molly. Why doesn't Crash hand Lawler or JR a note? The whiteness seems to have spread to D'Lo as well. I'm too bust playing Spades, but the whole time Lawler degrades big booty. BREATHE IN! BREATHE OUT! AT THE MONASTERY GO AND LET IT OUT! That's how me and Molly be rollin'. I wonder if Trish is down with the swirl? I doubt it. I wonder who she's sleeping with? I won't believe nobody. The match eventually ends with D'Lo hitting his twisty-urange-slam thing that every midcarder has. I'm glad WWE decided to air Heat again since I missed it last night. After the match, Molly does something mean to Trish and D'Lo runs over to help her. Get the fuck on, Urkel. I fast forward through Lita at the World and Undertaker riding somewhere.
I am not near done. How the fuck did SOFA get these up so fast?
Vince is still preparing for Austin, and one of the girls from Tuff Enuff comes in. The white girl that one. My friend says her name is Jackie, because he remembers how Jake started to stand up when they called her name. Fucking Jake. Dumbass. Anyway, she's all slutted up, and says something. Who knows.
This is what is meant by mid-card elevation? Undertaker vs. Matt Hardy. As is par this week, I don't pay that much attention. I think Jeff ran in first, then Raven. Are Raven and Undetaker together? Weird. I don't know who won, but PK says Undertaker. He is the authority here, you know.
More commercials already? I hope this is over soon.
Undertaker says something about the match this Sunday. The Vince still apprently doesn't let the guy on the other end tell him what's what. Then Brock Lesnar and Earl Hebner talk via Paul Heyman. Booker T. eventually comes in, and then makes up for his otherwise lackluster performance earlier in the night. If I may digress for a minute, Brock Lesnar kicks serious ass. The internet is always complaining about how old so many people in the main event scene are, and then they complain about how Braock Lesnar is gonna' win King of the Ring and get a shot at the title at Sumemrslam? Am I the only one that thinks that makes sense? He is over, people. He is ready to be a main evetn player. If they don't do it now, it may be too late. His ring work is not as sloppy as you all seem to think, and he has Paul Heyman to do his talking for him. All he has to do is look bad ass, which he seems to be doing quite well. Jesus. Just because someone is getting a good reaction from the crowd doesn't mean you have to hate him.
Commercials. Commercials like a summmbitch.
We're back with the match, and everybody and their momma is out at ringside. I think that's Shawn Michaels and Kevin Nash on commentary, and X-Pac and Big Show outside. Another nice match, with Brock winning. Afterwards, the NWO beat up Booker T. and Goldust.
Slaughter says that McMahon's look out guy arrived, so Austin must be here, or something.
Was that the last match? That sucks. This has been a let down RAW. I really liked it the past few weeks.
McMahon comes in the ring, and does some stuff until BUTWAIT: IT'S THE ROCK! Rock comes back, kicks Vince's RUDY-POO CANDY ASS RIGHT OUT OF THE RING AND DOWN TO THE CORNER OF JABRONI DRIVE AND KNOW YOUR ROLE AVENUE RIGHT INTO THE SMACKDOWN HOTEL WHERE YOU CAN TELL ROOM SERVICE TO BRING YOU UP SOME STRUDEL SINCE ALL THE PIE IS GONE BECAUSE THE ROCK ENJOYS PIE, AS IT IS TOUGH BEING THE ROCK YOU COMPLETE GOOF! He then goes off on Austin in a roundabout way, and says Get the F! OUT. Is he on RAW now?
FINAL THOUGHTS: Where is SOFA?