You should go read the predictions first. This wont make any more sense, but it will kill more time out of your day.

On HEAT: What looked to be the best match on the PPV card. Thanks WWE!

Do I have what it takes to survive this PPV? Can Stone Cold trust anybody, much less two coloreds? The answer to these questions and more (acutally, probably not even answers to those two, much less anything extra) coming up!

We are live from Dallas, I hate TX, where simpl playing the new Limp Bizkit album causes things to explode.

Is this really the opening match?: Team Fat Man (Mashed Potatos and Gravy really are a "lower fat side!", a locomotive, I think this is like my 4th WWE match, Hey! Mine too!, Good God. 5 guys and I'm the only one with any talent?) vs. Team Little Boy (I'm just lucky my name doesn't rhyme with genatalia, I am so gonna' kick Cat's ass when he shows up, Didn't you break my arm?, My neck was broke and you never heard me complain about it, AND THIS IS MY UNITED STATES OF WHATEVA!)

Cena comes out first, as he has to rap. I'll list his rhymes, as it seems like a good enough idea(l): First/Afterbirth, Chance/Ambulance (or am-byu-lance), Gravedigga'/Bigga', Stable (as in "I don't need no stable." Take that JG!)/Sable, Homey/Blow Me. Yeah, he sucked. The U.S. title is comically small on Big Show.

Holly goes after Lesnar right away. Pounding and Grounding him outside the ring now. Benoit and Angle come around to pull him off, but he's already been disqualified. Welcome back Bob! Have fun on Velocity! Now we have A-Train vs. Bradshaw. Clothesline from Survivro Series. A-Train's already out. Now Big Show comes in. It would be awesome if they just got down to Benoit and Lesnar and gave them 20 minutes to go at it. As I was writing that, Big Show chokeslammed Bradshaw and then pinned him.

Cena's in now. Tag to Lesnar. Lesnar and Cena ain't too shabby. Matt Morgan is tagged in after that. Yeah, he sucks. I think he realized it, so he tagged in Jones, which made him look good in retrospect. Jones continues with his Generic Clubbing. I'm ready to stop paying attention to this now. Now he tags in Brock. The Throwback. I've never seen that before. Cena tags in Benoit now. That was making this match a bit too good, so Lesnar has to tag in Big Show. Huge Gorilla Press Drop on Benoit. That was nice. Big Show ain't bad sometimes. Chokeslam reversed into Crossface, but Lesnar breaks it up. Big Show trying to do an abdominal strecth is amusing. Now he hits that weird Final Cut (legdrop remix) that he used on Smackdown. 2. Big Show stood there and taunted the face corner for like a minute before Morgan remembered to drag Benoit out of the ring. Blah blah. Tag to Morgan. Tag to Angle. Angle hits 3 German suplexes, then Jones comes in. He's dropkicked down. Lesnar's in. F-5! No! It was reversed to a suplex! Jones accidentally kicks Morgan. Angle slam on Morgan gets a 3 count! Jones holds Angle from behind, but Angle ducks when Big Show tries to hit him. Now Jones taps to the Anklelock. F-5 out of nowhere! 3 count! Benoit comes in. Some stuff happens and he gets the crossface! Lesnar turns it into a pin on Benoit! Only 2. Benoit gets it back on. Lesnar reaches the ropes. Another Crossface! Oh shit, he tapped! I missed some stuff here. Big Show throws Benoit into Cena, which counts as a tag. Chokeslam to Benoit. Cena with a shot with his chain, followed by the F-U! 3 count. Cena and Benoit stand there looking at each other. "Remember when I F-Ued you?" "no." "Yeah, me neither." They shake and go home together.

Backstage: Vince talks to Shane. Shane: "I'm still a face." Vince walks off, but runs into Stone Cold in the hallway. Silence. Laughter. Tears (mine). Silence again. Stone Cold walks off. That segment would have been really deep if I was stoned. And 14. And retarded.

So Solly you got bumped to HEAT Tajiri: Wouldn't it be awkward if I ran into my ex-cousin backstage? What do you say to an ex-cousin? (champion) vs. Wouldn't it be awkward if I ran into . . . oh wait, he wasn't invited.

Fuck this match, I'm gonna' have a sandwhich for dinner.

My sandwhich is still cooking. Molly just did a cartwheel elbow type of thing to the corner, which caused JR to mention the Great Muta. That was certainly unexpected. Why isn't this the 2nd to last match? The women's title matches always "calm down the crowd" so they can get pumped back up for the main event (which I think is HHH vs. Goldberg, but it hasn't yet been said.) The Molly Go-Round! Only 2! What the fuck?!?! Fuck that shit. If she has to job, don't make her finisher look weak at the same time. She totally flipped out, too. She tears the padding off the middle turnbuckle and tosses Lita into it. Oh shit! She got a 3 count off that. I did not expect that to happen at all.

I just realized that both the Undisputed Champ and the U.S. Champ were in the first match. Hmm.

Did you know that Kane and Shane McMahon hated each other? *monster laugh*

Am-byu-lance match: ARGH! MY BALLS! vs. YOU'RE SOAKING IN IT!!!!

Kane's Pyro almost blows the ambulance up. Awesome. Lots of punches by Kane to start. Shane tossed into the stairs. Shane come back with a chair. Poor Spanish announce team. Shane takes one of their monitors and beans Kane with it. Now Kane's prone on the table. Kane goes off the tope rope. Nice elbow. Very weak "Holy Shit" chant. it died before it even got to breath. Shane goes into the crowd, and Kane follows. My sandwhich is done.

I'm back. They're in a garage or something now. Shane backs a car into Kane, knocking him through some stuff, but part of me doesn't believe he ran into him with a car. Shane gets on some walkie-talkie and says "come on," for like 5 minutes, as JR and King sit there and can't fucking figure out he's calling the ambulance. Kane fights off the stretcher thing. They're out by the dirt now, I think. Yeah, there's the first ambulance. Was that a "We want blood" chant? God, I hate Texans. Some back and forth brawling. Shane fought out of the Ambulance once. Then kind of messed up a spot, but then hit a tornado DDT. Now he gets a trashcan. Now a box. He sets this box on Kane's leg. I guess it's pinning him down, or something. Van Shaninator off the ambulance. Eventually is able to drag Kane into the ambulance, but then Kane pulls him in there with him! Haha! Now Kane with some offense. Basically just different variations of throwing Kane into the Ambulance. Theres a Tombstone. That's it. Now like half an hour of the ambulance driving off.

Backstage: Josh Matthews interviews Lesnar. He tapped out, see? Bunch of nothing. Goldberg walks up and introduces himself, then . . . nothing. ok.

Now Coach is coming out to the ring. Why? The owner of the Mavericks is in the ring. Mark Cuban, in case you didn't know. Coach talks to him about nothing really. Cuban: "All referees suck!" I hope you get fined tomorrow for saying that. Now Bischoff comes out. Bischoff is calling Cuban in the ring like he had said something about him. Is Bischoff a referee or something? I don't get this at all. Cuban grabbed the mic, then didn't say anything. This is fucking stupid. I don't believe I paid $40 for this shit. Now Bischoff is threatening to have security escort him. This doesn't make any sense!!!! What the hell are they talking about? Cuban shoves Bischoff out of the ring, then Orton runs in and hits his Diamond Cutter on Cuban. Cuban is not a legend. This is fucking stupid.

HHH and Flair and Batista are backstage, with various hos. Cheers to HHH! Orton comes in to tell the good news! "GUYS! I just helped waste like 20 minutes of PPV time! Yeah!" HHH: "You think that's good? We just wasted 5 more right here!" Assorted whoops take us out.

WWE Smackdown Tag Titles match: I too like a Basham, but I can never remember which one vs. I also like one of the Gurreros, but I think it's fairly obvious which one

Ew. The Bashams bought some new leather chest strap things for the PPV. They have handcuffs in the back?! That's not very practical. Match starts. Fuck it, though. I'm pissed. Seriously, Tajiri got pushed to HEAT, and Lance Storm (might be injured), Matt Hardy , Rhyno, Ultimo Dragon, Stevie Richards, Rico and (I like) Val Venis all had to sit at home, but they had time for that completely pointless 20 minute segment? Fuck that. Anyway, Tazz says the Bashams are like the Midnight Express. Next thing you know they're gonna be talking about Jeff Hardy. Here's the finish: Chavo tornado DDTd a Basham, but accidentally kicked Eddie. While checking on Eddie, he got rolled up from behind, for 3. After that, they stare at each other. eh.

Armageddon is brought to you by Final Fantasy X-2, and Shane is getting a CAT scan.

Fuck. I sat through this video package on HEAT. I do like how Jericho talked like Roger Rabbit, but don't like how Batista is on my tv.

Team Fock Pushes (I still kind of like the Dudleys sometimes, I asked and Undertaker was in fact able to dig that hole over there, I simply cannot think of anything to call RVD, and Move over Jericho, I'm the new slum lord!) vs. Team . . . one of us is getting a push (Ironically enough, I am not emotionally strong, I like HEEL Scott Steiner, too, At least I'm on the PPV, Mr. Jessica Rabbit and Randy Orton: Ratings Killer)

I am getting tired now. Does it show? Unlike before, the teams come out all together, with Bischoff and Austin accompanying their respective teams. I kind of like it that way more. JR mentioned Jericho's date with Trish. D'Von and Christian to start. Arm twistery by D'Von. Shoulderblock. Christian comes back with some slaps. D'Von just starts choking him, then hits his flying clothesline thing. Tag to RVD. Nice jumping! haha. ooooh. nevermind. References to obscure lines in semi-obscure Kung Fu movies probably don't go over well. Tag to Jericho. Some stuff into a Northern Lights suplex, for 2. RVD's sweep misses and Jericho hits an enziguri. 2 count. Tag to Steiner. Some stuff but mainly just standing around and posing. RVD with a cross body block. 2 count. Sick overhead belly to belly on RVD. Now a spinning one. 2 count. RVD goes up top, but Steiner gets him, and hits a 2nd rope overhead belly-to-belly suplex! Jesus. Only 2. Tag to Booker T. Gets some slaps on, but Steiner hits a Clothesline. 2 count. Slaps on Booker T. now. Booker with some forearms. Haha! JR mentioned Lawler's midgets from back in the day. Lawler seemed embarrased by it. Suppin Rooni was broken up. All hell then busts loose. Steiner and Booker T. are still in the ring. Lowblow by Steiner! Steiner Recliner! Stacy gets up on the ropes, causing Steiner to wanna beat some women. The Dudleys then get their reverse Backdrop/neckbreaker thing. The Bookend! 3 count! Mark Henry comes in. Cross body is caught into powerslam. 3 count. What?! RVD in now. Clothesline on RVD. Is this gonna' come down to Orton and HBK? I hope not. Tag to Bubba. Some stuff, then a tag to D'Von. Henry makes them both look like jobbers. Nice. 3-D now, followed by a 5 Star Frog Splash, and all three men cover for the pin, which cannot be legal at all. Jericho comes in now. I guess RVD got tagged or something, as he's in too. Split-legged moonsault gets 2. Eye rake by Jericho, and a tag to Orton. There was actually more there, but I didn't write it down. Randy pounds and grounds RVD with . . . pounding and grounding. A huge clothesline (RVD is now of the ground) gets Orton a 2 count. RVD is tossed to the corner and hits his jump kick thingy. Rolling Thunder! Goes up for the 5 Star, but Jericho breaks it up. Orton hits his Diamond Cutter. That's called the RKO? That somehow sounds familiar. What does it stand for? Anyway, 3 count on RVD. D'Von's in. I guess HBK took the night off, or something. Body slam on Orton, followed by a legdrop for 2. I'm gonna make a new paragraph now.

D'Von hits his diving headbutt for another 2 count. My notes are illegible here, but I think Jericho was tagged in. Yeah, he then hits a missle dropkick, and Bubba makes the save at 2. Flying clothesline by D'Von, who's entire offense consists of flying clotheslines, shoulderblocks, or headbutts, and then jericho hits . . . something for the 3 count. What was that? Some weird spinny thing. Bubba Ray is in for a moment, but he eventually tags HBK, who gets a fairly large pop. Jericho tags Orton, who enters the ring to absolute silence. That's akward. Both men end up down, and then they tag Christian and Bubba. Backbody drop on Christian is broken up by Orton. Samoan Drop on Orton. Bubba bomb! Christian hits a low blow, then the Unprettier(!) for 3. HBL's gonna take out both Christian and Jericho? Fuck that. Jericho pulls down the rope, causing HBK to fall out of the ring. A beatdown ensues, and he is rolled back in. Tag to Orton. Some stuff, probably involving pounding and/or grounding. Tag to Christian, who eventually slingshots HBK into the ringpost outside the ring. HBK's bleeding all over now. Jesus. That really is a lot of blood. Christian suplexes him inside for 2. Ha! Now he's doing Michaels's gay little pose. Michaels fights out of the Unprettier. Sweet Chin Music! 3 count. Jericho comes in. Orton: "Kick his ass, Chris! Kick his ass, Chris! Kick his ass, Chris! etc." Michaels with some hard chops. Am I messing up HBK's name? Is it Michaels, or Micheals. No, I was getting it right. Clothesline by Jericho. 2 count. Tag to Orton. "Kick his ass, me!" Actually, he just yells "Bleed!" a million times. You suck Orton. Michaels with a sleeper, but Orton counters with a backbody drop. Tag to Jericho. cover. 2! That was close. Michaels with a DDT. Both men are asleep for a minute, and I guess Michaels was dreaming that Vince wanted to treat Vader like the threat he should be, and asked Michaels to drop the title to him, as he rolled over onto Jericho. That didn't work at all. Oh well. Orton makes the save. Lionsault is blocked. Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho, but Michaels rolls through for 3. Fuck that. Jericho gets a chair and nails Michaels. Now he's flicking Austin off. Where the hell is Orton? Here he is. Only a 2 count. Orton goes up top for a crossbody, but Michaels ducks and he nails the ref. Where's Batista and Flair? Michaels warms up the Thompson Twins (see, they're gay. It's late.) Bischoff runs in and hits a level 3 black belt karate kick. Austin attacks Bischoff. Stunner for Orton. Now he's dragging Bischoff up the ramp. There's Batista. Bacon bomber. Orton gets the 3.

Austin is stunnard. He comes in the ring, and eventually shakes hands with HBK and they walk off together.

Ok, now Austin's music is playing. He comes out to the ring and gives some sort of speech, but Coach interrupts by saying "nah nah nah nah. nah nah nah nah. Hey hey. Goodbye" about a billion times. He has security with him. Yeah, if you didn't see Austin kicking their asses coming from a million miles away, please die.

Michael Cole just said "tough" about 20 times in one sentence.

That picture of Undertaker in "Tazz's Keys to Victory" rules.

Buried Alive: Zombie Jesus vs. it's way too late for stupid nicknames.

Sign: "You will be barried alive." I think that has something to do with the Bee Gees. What was that weird drawing of Vince on his Titantron? It looked like a cross between him and Casper. Punches by Undertaker to start. I imagine there's gonna' be a lot of that. Vince starts bleeding pretty fast, though. A lot, too. Undertaker just accidentally unplugged Tazz and Cole's headsets. Dumbass. UT: "We're just getting started!" argh. He's waddling off somewhere now. Oh, he went and got a shovel. Sick shot on McMahon, which prompts another weak "Holy Shit" chant. I really hate that chant. I was watching this Best of Low-ki tape, and about every 20 seconds some morons were chanting that. It got annoying fast. Now Undertaker smashes McMahon's ankle with the stairs, just like he and Kane did a few years back. Now he hoists him up and carries him to the grave. Vince somehow gets control and knocks UT into the grave. Now UT stands up and pulls Vince into the grave. He's going to the bulldozer. Awesome! It blew up in his face! Well, it didn't completely blow up, but it shot a firework into his face. Kane comes out and helps Vince out of the grave. Vince goes to the bulldozer. Kane takes UT's hat, or something, and Vince eventually figrues out how to work the bulldozer. That was pretty cool. Now Kane's humping the grave. That's not as cool.

Michael Cole recaps everything that just happened. If you read what I wrote outloud, screaming the whole thing and waving your arms around you'll get a pretty good idea of what this is like.

The only good thing about the whole bounty angle was La Resistance's fort, and they don't even show that. Does that Limp Bizkit song really stop and start over about halfway through, or did the WWE make it do that?

WWE Heavyweight Title Match: This ain't no Stratego vs. some Jewish joke

Punches to start. Flair's still standing in the ring. Spear on HHH already. Now he punches Flair. Backbody drop followed by a clothesline, knocking Flair outside. There's the bell. HHH is tossed outside now. Goldberg follows him. Tazz and Cole are gone. Guess they had better things to do. Back in, and some more stuff. Gorilla Press Slam, but the ankle gave out. HHH takes him down again then tosses him outside. Hebner's paying more attention to Flair than HHH. HHH uses a chair on Goldberg's ankle. Now Flair attacks the ankle. Some more stuff. This isn't too bad of a match, really. Nothing amazing, but definitely not bad. Flair runs lots of interference for HHH. HHH was gonna' go for a spinning toehold, but Goldberg kicks him off, right into the ref. Now Flair gives HHH the knuckle-dusters. 2 count. The crowd either didn't notice those or didn't care. HHH takes the ref back out. HHH gets the sledgehammer, but Goldberg fights him off, followed by Flair, Batista and Orton. Eventually he hits the spear and Jackhammer for the 3. JR: "Good Lord Almighty, who's your daddy tonight?" I don't wanna discuss theology with you.

Final Thoughts: That was pretty damn good, except for that stupid fucking Mark Cuban shit. Seriously.