Survivor Series. Texas. I don't have anything, especially as I'm writing this after watching the event. Let's just do these damn predictions.

WWE Not even fucking important enough for the PPV title: I hope I don't end up like former champion Matt Hardy (champion) vs. I wish I got as much of a push as even Shannon Moore

Next Mideon: My pick - Tajiri. Jamie already held that belt for 47 years. He'll have to go win a duel monsters tournament or something if he wants to pay for Nidia's eyeball operation. Plus, you don't give somebody a posse of gooks in suits just to job him out immediately. Yang should be wearing Glacier's armor.

Ubermonkeys: I'll take Tajiri over Noble because the chase has been absolutely horrible and non-existant, and Jamie doesn't even seem that upset about Nidia being blinded. I'd probably enjoy it a lot if Nidia turned on Noble for no good reason and got with Taji, just to keep their non-existant feud going- so look for that not to happen.

JG: Noble is fighting for his woman, his pride, and for God, boy. But Tajiri was smart enough to follow fighting with "with" instead of "for," since he has a whole google of backup. Gookle of backup. Hahaha. Japan's #1 search engine. Like ours, but smaller and more efficient. Tajiri retains by the skin of his teeth because Japs have all of their huge teeth and hicks do not. If Noble wins, he'll melt the belt into gold teeth. But he won't win. So there.

SOFA: I had no idea they were pushing either of these guys so hard, but I guess when you're jerking the curtain, you're still not being pushed very well. Tajiri, as the Puroresu magazines are writing weekly articles about him lately, it seems. Along with articles about the awesome Sasuke/Delphin feud being revived.

Jon: Tajiri. Noble'll win it in like a month or two, maybe. Nah, probably not.

WWE Diva's Championship: Nobody seems to care that my cousin just died and my ex-boyfriend has completely disapeared (champion) vs. Yeah, and where's my current boyfriend?

Jon: I figured I'd just reverse the order of the entries. No reason, really. Anyway, Lita has the awesome power of "returing, somewhat over face" which will surely propel her to victory. Just like it did with Benoit!

SOFA: Lita, because everyone at Weekly Visitor hates her.

JG: I like Molly, so Lita wins. Breakin' necks and cashing checks. Medicaid checks. Watch for a run-in by the ghost of La Parka. You know what I'm talking about, right?

Ubermonkeys: Lita wins over Molly because stuff sucks. Maybe some gay DQ with Gail Kim, which wouldn't be that gay if Molly keeps the title.

Next Mideon: My pick - Lita. Nigga, plz. The only variable in this match is the number of people Lita will cripple. My prediction: 19.

WWE Smackdown(!) Tag Team Title Match: Which witch is which? (champions) vs. Being minorities, I can't tell you apart from one another either

Next Mideon: My pick - Bashams. I almost went with Los Guerreros because the Bashams are so fucking stupid, but I guess Chavo has to continue his metamorphosis into a white man from Nebraska. One who sells quality products at low, low prices! (Secret: TNM likes the Bashams, but only the thin one)

Ubermonkeys: (he either did not get my second email [most likely], or chose to pretend this match does not exist - jon.)

JG: The Bashams win and the Guerreros feud. ALL INTERESTING TAG TEAMS MUST BE DESTROYED. The Bashams can look forward to decades of unified boringness like the LOD and their Dudleyville Descendents.

SOFA: Los Gurreros. Though there's some backstory involving this one involving Chavo which I forgot, which may possibly be relevant to this, I'm going to ignore it.

I wish I had thought of a better name than "jon": The Bashams. Either Chavo will turn or will "lay the seeds," as those of us in the now call it.

Smackdown's Survivor Series Match: Team Ruthless (fuck typing up all these names individually twice in one night) vs. Team Neckless

Back to "jon": uuuuummmmmmmmmmmmm. . . . . . . . . . uh uh uh. I really don't know. Wait, it's gonna' be Cena, and possibly Benoit and possibly Holly and possibly Angle and probably Bradshaw, even though it would make no fucking since for him to win but it is Dallas.

SOFA: I never learned the stipulations for this one. I'm assuming Heyman is removed from TV as quickly as he arrived, should the faces win. The faces win.

JG: Who fucking cares? Is ANYTHING on the line here? Part of me digs this TRULY old-school Survivor Series match...back in the day, they didn't book storylines where Hulk would be eaten by rabid aardvarks if Andre's team won...they just wrestled. Too bad they're only doing this to build the new monster fags so Taker can pick his teeth with them later. My money is on the team made of beef tallow. Look for John Cena to make a strong showing in defeat, since he is the shittiest wrestler on his team. I don't consider Hagfrog a wrestler.

Ubermonkeys: I'll take Team Fat and say... Brock and Morgan surviving. Seems like Cena is a shoe-in to be the last guy trying to Beat The Numbers or something, but Morgan is big and Brock is the smallest guy on his team. Yeah.

Next Mideon: My pick - Team Angle, I guess. Somebody's got to get a face victory for the Smackdown side. I can only hope we get some of that Bradshaw/Nathan Jones solo action that all the smarks have been clamoring for. Secondary predictions: Bob Holly says "FUCK", and Nathan Jones falls on his bottom.

RAW's Survivor Series Match: Same deal as before vs. Fock typing names

Next Mideon: My pick - Team Bischoff. I would have gone the other way previously, but the heels were made to look like complete bitches on RAW. They'll probably get their heat back. Because Mark Henry absolutely exudes heat. Look for Austin to disappear for like a week, then make his triumphant return by driving the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile into the arena and beating all the women within a five-mile radius.

Ubermonkeys: I actually was really into this whole thing starting as Jericho's crusade to get Austin fired, which is about 5 billion more times that slapping the two GMs names on each team and calling it good. This is also the sign of the apocalypse, as Mark Henry, Matt Morgan, and Nathan Jones are all on the same ppv, in important matches no less. Anyway, I'll take Booker surviving alone to win for Austin's team.

JG: Team Austin wins because Austin will NEVER GO AWAY. I have some small hope he'll turn heel and abuse his newfound power though, because otherwise they will completely run out of things for him to do. On some level, even JR must realize Austin stunnering Coach can only win them so many Cable Ace Awards.

SOFA: I actually forgot what the stipulation for this is. Probably if the faces win, Jim Ross and Lawler announce all WWE shows or something. The faces will win.

jon: As I watched RAW, I know that Austin's team is gonna' lose. Haven't any of you guys watched the WWE before? It'll probably be Orton, and maybe Jericho, but definitely Orton as the winner, as there simply aren't enough shitty, bland, dumbass looking wrestlers who are getting pushed for no reason getting pushed. And I hate Batista. Oh yeah, he and Flair will probably get involved. Hell, maybe even HHH. Let's go all out!

Ambulance Match: Remember when I hated my mom? vs. Remember when I killed mine?

Jon: I don't know if Kane ever supposedly killed his mom or not. Anyway, I'm gonna' pick Kane, as they seem to want us to believe that this feud will be over now (and I am impressed that they had a feud last this long), and it would make so little sense for the WWE to put Shane over Kane; so little sense even they would realize it's stupid. I just wanted to use a semicolon, possibly incorrectly.

SOFA: I'm honestly in awe that this feud is still going on. Seriously, it's been what, 4 months? Kane wins via death or destruction or whatever Jim Ross will be screaming all throughout this one.

JG: They will both win when everyone else in the world dies of boredom and is sent to the hospital in some kind of robo-ambulance. Hahaha. Bah. Um...I guess Kane wins by projecting his thoughts at Shane to confuse him into thinking he's already in an ambulance. He's been known to do that.

Ubermonkeys: Kane wins because he has to.

Next Mideon: My pick - Kane. Shane has to go have a baby or something. The world needs more McMahons. Kane will go on to feud with Goldberg, while RAW viewers will go on to kill themselves.

andthematch . . . is . . buriedALIVE!: *serious voice* vs. Is he still Booger Red?

Next Mideon: My pick - Vince. Another seemingly obvious one, as Taker wants time off to get older and slower. And then he'll return with his big purple necktie.

Ubermonkeys: Undertaker wins. This is one awful match. Meltzer will say "a lot better than it looked on paper" even though it won't be.

JG: Rumor has it Steph will return as a heel and rejoin with Vince. That would be absolutely horrible so clearly it will happen.

SOFA: Despite the fact that Vince McMahon vs. Hulk Hogan was one of the better matches on the Wrestlemania 19 card, (which really says a lot about the quality of THAT show), I doubt this will do anything but put me in a coma, should I watch it, which I won't. Undertaker.

Jon: McMahon. I've heard a rumour that Kane is gonna help McMahon win the match, thus setting up a zombie Undertaker vs. inexplicably not a zombie anymore but somehow his brother turned back into one Kane at Wrestlemania. Sounds dumb enough for me.

WWE World Heavyweight Title or something like that match: I'm pretending to be hurt (champion) vs. I'm pretending not to be hurt. We're both pretending people care about this match!

Jon: Goldberg, I guess. I really don't know, or care for that matter. HHH's little vacation was enjoyable, but it led to more Orton and Batista and those other two white boys. I wouldn't mind seeing him squash any of those four, so maybe he'll lose to go feud with all of them. Or not.

SOFA: HHH. Heh.

JG: Remember how HHHHHHHH humped that guy in the Y2Stinger commercial? Yeah. Anyway, I didn't even fucking know they were doing a title match at SS. Triple H wins because Goldberg as champ just didn't draw the crazy high numbers eight million years of HHHHHHH promos did.

Ubermonkeys: Goldberg wins even though there's no reason for him to. They still have to do Goldberg/Batista again, and there's nobody to fight HHH now anyway.

Next Mideon: My pick - Goldberg. I hope. And I fucking hate Goldberg.

Final Thoughts: Rather than list the winners, here's who we'll think will lose: Noble, Molly, Los Gurreros, Lesnar's Team, Biscoff's team, Shane, Vince, HHH, and the viewers. Good night.