First things first: this video does not contain Steven Richards in a pith helmet and carrying a magical jewel. The people at RF Video don't seem to think that's as important as "MATTY In The House!" Just didn't want to get everyone's hopes up.

Hello. This is the Mysterious JG. It's been awhile. Haven't really been following wrestling since I last wrote something for Weekly Visitor. Despite this, Lil' Bro visited RF Video online for Christmas shopping purposes, and ended up getting me "Best of TazManiac." Don't mean to sound pissy, as I enjoyed this and the other item he got a lot, but it was definitely a nostalgia thing. So I thought I might share the nostalgia with you. Whoever you are.

The DVD has 14 matches (well, one of them is actually a "confrontation" but the DVD treats it like a match.) I'm writing up the first 7 here. I was going to do the whole thing, but this went longer than I expected (ah...that takes me back.) I'll write up the second half later because I've now finished the first half, and be warned, it featured much shittier wrestlers than the second half will (though Public Enemy is in both.)

It was always my custom to blog (though I don't think many people were using the term "blog" at the time, truly I am the Innovator of Time Wasting) about random bullshit before each rebeak. Like what video games I'd been playing, or what TV shows had got me thinking that week. I'm going to avoid that here as there's a two-year backlog to cover. It suffices to say that I've been watching A LOT of Rifftrax. I'd watch A LOT of Cinematic Titanic but they just don't crank out new ones fast enough, so instead I just watch a lot of it without all-caps. If you're not already familiar with Rifftrax and Cinematic Titanic, get familiar. Unless you never thought MST3K was funny. If you never though MST3K was funny, you're wrong about that (said in a Donald Trump voice.)

I honestly can't remember if that was a WV joke, or just the type of thing that would have been a WV joke but occurred after WV went away. This might also be a good place to note that the Mysterious JG picture above is still, years later, a link to my looooong defunct EIW EandC site.

Ok, let's get on with it. This is...Best of TazManiac! Sadly, we will never once hear the man speak. Not for nuthin'.

I'm not going to do nicknames because, for one thing, TazManiac is in every match, and I swear to God Sabu is somehow in this DVD more than TazManiac is. For another thing, I imagine it will be even harder for you (gentle reader) to figure out what I'm talking about than it used to be since there's been a lengthy gap since we last had shared goofy bullshit to use as nickname fodder.

The text introducing each match, such as "1. TAZ VS. SABU (NO DQ)" is taken directly from the DVD's case. I won't be underlining "VS" every time because it looks stupid, and I must admit that I'm responsible for the all-caps. For a more authentic experience of hanging around my apartment looking at this case, try to imagine this text appearing in really edgy, extreme fonts. It's fun!

We open with the RF Video logo, accompanied by heavy male breathing. OK, if you're one of those fans who gets uneasy when someone points out the obvious homosexual subtext in pro wrestling, do not view anything that features this RF Video bumper. I'm not saying wrestling fans are automatically fagz, but that was some seriously gay breathing right there.

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1. TAZ VS. SABU (NO DQ)

We jump straight (or should I say gay?) into the first match. Charmingly, the word "PLAY" is briefly seen in the top-left corner of the screen in text that just screams "90's VCR technology." SABU is still doing the Hannibal Lector thing of getting wheeled out to the ring on a table with chains and wearing an anti-cannibalism mask. I think the guy wheeling him out is a pre-911 911. TAZMANIAC himself is in the ring, jumping up and down in place and having a ridiculous caveman-singlet. Complete with fake fur fringe. And he has really long, stringy hair. Weird. So far removed from the dapper gentleman with the shades and the spiffy suits. At least the animal fur is orange. He killed and ate Chester Cheetah. SOME GUY is in the ring with a mic, telling Tazmaniac not to touch him. I don't know if this guy is an announcer or a manager or what. He's definitely a heel, as this distracts Tazmaniac and allows Sabu to do a flying kick thingy from behind. Unless Tazmaniac is a heel, I have no goddamned idea. Sabu goes to the apron for a springboard legdrop. Dropping the Dime for Allah. HASHSHASHIN! He proceeds to point to the sky to indicate that Allah is, indeed, great. Sabu with some stomps, then a punch to send Tazmaniac outside. Sabu does this really overinvolved flip just to get on the ring apron, then does an Asai Moonsault onto Taz. And I can (and will) piss on him for this whole rebeak, but that shit was really mind-blowing compared to what WWF and WCW were doing at the time. Tazmaniac is wearing facepaint of some sort. He and Cole could have been brothers in paint, except Cole's would be make-up hahahaha GIRL PANTS. And...possibly 911 is pulling Sabu off as that guy I don't recognize is screaming into the mic for Sabu to be calm. And...we cut away?

SOME DOUCHE NAMED MATTY is in a parking lot screaming "HOLY SHIT" at the camera, and a graphic beneath him says "MATTY In The House!" Hahaha, it should clearly be "Da," not "The." My spellchecker wants "Hahaha" to be "Hamada." Hamada is a hotel like Ramada, but for fat people. Matty tells us things were "wild, crazy and bonkers" at the ECW arena. "Matty in the house, and Matty was in the house on Friday night when the Tazmaniac and Sabu went wild and TORE THE HOUSE, DOOOOWN!" I find myself wishing Matty had died in this apparent building collapse. In my efforts to transcribe, I have paused over a shot with Matty's face filling the entire frame as his mouth hangs open screaming about the craziness. Which consisted of a moonsault, basically. I also enjoy that this segment is clearly meant to end with the guy still staring at the camera, but he's a complete jackass and turns away really quickly before they can cut. I probably should have tried to get a screencapture of this, but poor Sofa has to upload this thing for me and it would involve figuring out the right directory to upload the jpgs to and rargh. Besides, if I tried to get a screencapture for every match, this would just be a collection of blurry ECW arena shots.

We're back, and I think this is still match one of the DVD. We now have commentators (we didn't before.) It's JOEY STYLES and SOMEBODY ELSE. Styles informs us that Sabu has been restrained again, "but not before he tore the entire ECW arena apart." The arena appears pretty intact to me. The other guy can't believe they're going to let them go at it again (uh...Tazmaniac didn't actually DO ANYTHING). Probably 911 Guy releases Sabu, and the commentators lose their collective shit as he...picks up a chair and throws it at some other chairs. Sabu throws more chairs, then starts...sorta pulling on...some thing on the wall. Taz attacks him from behind with a chair. I know this from the commentators, as the camera is just showing one of the buildings' support beams. Now we see them heading back into the ring. Taz clubbers and Tasmania Whips Sabu into the ropes, but he Papa Shangos (apropos in that goofy facepaint and costume) and Sabu ends up flipping over him and giving him a leapy kick. Taz ends up on the floor. Sabu fakes a suicide dive, then does a really pretty dangerous slingshot forward-flip splash to the floor. One of those Sabu moves where the extra danger inherent in the direction he's flipping really doesn't make it more effective against his opponent. Taz reverses an Arabian Whip and sends Sabu into the ring apron, then hits him with a chair as the commentators debate whether Sabu has feelings (sort of.) Taz is throwing chairs in Sabu's general direction. Sabu reverses a whip and sends Taz into the apron. Now Sabu starts climbing onto the apron, and the non-Styles commentator says "Sabu has to be heading back into the ring!" I suspect he may actually have known that Sabu is not doing that, as he does another springboard flippy attack. Sabu does a flippy attack, not the commentator. Haha, the commentators have been talking about how Sabu injured his ankle since a few spots ago, and now Sabu starts selling his ankle in a really obvious way. And...um...what I'm saying is that the commentators knew he was going to sell injuring himself at some point, and started calling it before it happened. Sabu heads back into the ring. Taz in, ducking a Sabu clothesline and giving him a really fucking vicious-looking back suplex. Dropped him right on his head, and got a louder pop than the flippityness has been getting. Taz with some stomps, and then he lifts him up for a belly2belly suplex that gets some impressive elevation. Considering Taz is so tiny and wee. Sabu punches back and...does some (Part 2 of) kinda leg hold. Taz threatening to turn it into a rear-naked choke, but he just punches out. Taz clubbers, then whips Sabu into the ropes and clotheslines him. Taz...choking. Sabu rolls out of the ring. There's the legendary Hawaiian Shirt Guy. I think I will start a new paragraph in his honor.

Taz brings in a table as Sabu lies around. Now Sabu comes in and kicks Taz. Styles calls the other guy "Paul E!" Holy shit, I completely blanked on this guy being Paul Heyman! Sabu is now setting up the table, and he puts Taz on it, and AHAHAHA THE TABLE COLLAPSES UNDER TAZ'S WEIGHT! Sabu was heading towards the corner to set something up, and the table just gave out. Sabu turns around and Taz belly2bellies him onto the remains of the table. Taz is messing around with the table when Sabu dropkicks him. Now Sabu goes outside, and tries a springboard legdrop again, but this time Taz evades. Paulie: "WOW!" Styles: "HE MAY HAVE BROKEN HIS LEG!" From missing a legdrop? This was always a problem with ECW for me, Styles and Heyman both acting ludicrously excited about everything, regardless of whether it was somebody throwing chairs around like a maniac or somebody missing a legdrop. Taz with...a beal. EXTREME! Now Taz is pretending to bite the back of Sabu's head. Sabu maneuvers Taz into the corner and...sorta clubbers him. Pointless backflip, then a little mini-Ho Train Attack. Now he does another pointless backflip, but hahaha this time he blows it and lands on all fours. He pops up and tries to do a mini-Ho Train Attack (or mini-Eat Attack, if you prefer, perhaps a Nibble Attack) but Taz sidesteps and...clubbers. Sabu reverses a corner whip, and then elbows Taz. Taz ignores this and...haha, he just climbs up to the middle turnbuckle and patiently waits for Sabu to climb up and Frankensteiner him off the top. He's not even going for a move. What da Hell? Sabu indeed Frankensteiners him, but...he just sorta flips and falls and Taz is still up there, so after Sabu is already down Taz jumps and flips forward and Frankensteiners himself. This was before the era of "You Fucked Up" chants, apparently. Taz now goes up top, and goes for a forward-flip splash that misses. He was a pretty chunky sort to be going for that kind of move...you could pretty much tell it wasn't going to connect for that reason. Sort of Bubba Rayesque. Bubba Ray, Esquire. Must not make Sailor Mars joke (haven't seen her show since well before WV went under, actually.) Sabu gets up, goes up top and...gets a moonsault. For 3?

TAZMANIAC – 0 SABU – 1 EVERYONE ELSE – 0

The end of the match was just everybody missing everything, then a moonsault.

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2. TAZ VS. SABU (Raw Footage, Baltimore, MD)

No commentary on this one, as it appears to have been shot from the crowd with a camcorder. Oh, and unless I say otherwise, assume all matches begin with just cutting from the last match with no segue whatsoever. TAZMANIAC does his little jump-in-place dance to show us he's a savage darky from darkest Brooklyn. A fat man in a tuxedo announces as Taz keeps making like he's going to attack the ref. SABU is accompanied by PAUL E. DANGEROUSLY. They skip the whole Hannibal Lector bit this time. Sabu and Taz have to pace around for awhile because Sabu got into the ring before the announcer was done, which somewhat squelches the whole "both of these men are insane murders who will start ripping each other's throats out the second they see each other" vibe. Sabu says a quick prayer to Mecca, or possibly the concession area. Sabu runs and dives across the ring a few times and in theory it's supposed to be him trying for single-leg takedowns. Eventually he gets one, and Taz kicks him off. There's another, and another kick-off. Sabu gets a hurricanrana, but Taz pops back up and gives him a back suplex that drops Sabu right on his face. Taz clubbers. He whips Sabu into the ropes and Papa Shangoes again, but this time Sabu gets overly flippy in his leapfrog attempt and lands on his face. He gets up like nothing happened and...tries for a headlock (?) but Taz punches him off. Sabu goes to the apron and tries to do some sort of slingshot/springboard...something, but Taz catches him and just slams him to the mat. Taz with a beal, a clubber, and...a chinlock. I mean, ninja chokeout. Someone in the crowd yelled "BORING!" before Taz even put him in the hold. The fans chant "Paul E sucks." Sabu fights out of the hold and we get a runny-aroundy-into-the-ropeseys session that Sabu wins with some jumping kick. Now Sabu is going for a resthold, but Taz suplexes his way out. Taz going for an elbow. Someone, I think it's actually Paul Heyman, yells "IT'S GETTING' GOOD!" Sabu is up for some punch trading. Dropkick by Sabu, for 2. Sabu goes up top, and does a forward flip splash on Taz as he's getting up. It gets 2. Sabu to the apron, dropping the dime for 2.9999. Now Taz sort of chokes Sabu a bit, then Sabu reverses a corner whip and gives Taz a Stingar Splash. Some fans woo. That was really a Flair woo more than a Sting woo, fans. I am a woo connoisseur. A connoiwweur. Taz wanders into another corner and Sabu tries another Stingar Splash, but this time Taz catches him and gives him a big ol' belly2belly. Taz with a scoop slam, then signaling that he's going up. The forward flip splash that missed in the last match...misses. Tazmaniac really needs to consider getting a finisher other than THE STUPID. Sabu covers, and shit that was close to 3. Man, what an awful ending that would have been. Sabu with a scoop slam, a stomp, and then he goes for a split-legged moonsault. For 3. Ah, see? Much better.

TAZMANIAC – 0 SABU – 2 EVERYONE ELSE – 0

Call me a whiny smark bitch, but that was waaaay shorter and had a lot fewer spots than their televised match. I was still amused by the half-assed "Paul E sucks" chants that started whenever things got dull.

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3. TAZ & SULLIVAN VS. PUBLIC ENEMY (NO DQ)

Everyone in this match except Taz himself is doomed to go to WCW and suck. Public Enemy's WCW run in particular will make a lot of ECW fans get really excited and then feel really underwhelmed, as legions of fans who kind of know about ECW but don't get to see it will ask "So what's the big fucking deal?" For me, however, Public Enemy will always be that team whose theme music you would sing if you really wanted to piss off Super Asia.

Wow, PUBLIC ENEMY have a graphic, sort of! This is a TV match, so it might be good. Oh, and it's still Eastern Championship Wrestling for what that's worth. At this point, Sabu is the Undefeated of the Eastern Championship Wrestling, ahchacha. Our commentators are JOEY STYLES and SHANE DOUGLAS. Shane, "I like Public Enemy. I like ‘em a lot." You don't SOUND like you like them. Not even a single ooooohohohohohohooo! Their opponents, and apparently the tag champs, are TAZMANIAC and KEVIN SULLIVAN (w/WOMAN.) Don't go getting weirded out by Woman's presence, there'll be plenty of time to be weirded out in part 2 when Taz wrestles Benoit himself (who is doing a full-fledged angry psycho gimmick.)

We kick things off with a cameraman being knocked out of position. Kevin Sullivan kicks Flyboy Rocco Rock in the nuts, giving me just one more reason to love Kevin Sullivan. Taz puts Johnny Grunge in the Tree of Woe, because he's easily influenced by Kevin Sullivan's charismatic presence. Sullivan and Rocco go outside, where Sullivan throws a chair at Rocco, and then...finds a hammer somewhere. A normal hammer, not Triple H's trademarked sledge. Sullivan hits Rocco with the hammer. Styles: "It's Hammer Time!" Plz. Now Sullivan appears to hit Rocco in the crotch with the hammer. Shane: "Come on now." Hahaha, nothing breaks up assault with a deadly weapon faster than a stern scolding from the Franchise. We get a brief glimpse at the in-ring action, then go back to Sullivan, who hits Rocco with a chair, and then does that bit where you atomic-drop a guy's crotch onto the guard rail. Sullivan clotheslines him down. Now Taz is clearly sick of being ignored by the camera, as he brings Grunge outside and slams him through an incredibly flimsy-looking table. Now the champs switch dance partners as Taz slams Rocco into the apron while Sully throws a chair at Grunge. Taz hits Rocco with a chair. And again. Sullivan gets the hammer back and hits Grunge in the nuts. Shane says the emergency room will be packed tonight. Because...Flyboy Rocco Rock and Johnny Grunge expand to inhuman size during medical treatment, I guess. Everyone goes back into the ring, where Sullivan throws Grunge over the top rope and back to the floor. Styles: "That is legal here in ECW!" Hahaha, we've had numerous hammer-shots to people's nuts, and Styles is marking out over the extremeness of throwing someone over the top rope. Back in the ring, and the match is suddenly completely out of steam as Sully and Taz give Rocco a double clothesline. And then everyone sort of hangs around. Sully with a headbutt. Taz with a punch. Is Sullivan looking away for a run-in...ah, yes, as THE BRUISE BROTHERS run in. I have no idea who they are/were. Styles: "Here come the Bruise Brothers!" Shane: "Look out!" Styles: "Here come the Bruise Brothers!" Shane: "Look out!" What insight. And Shane says "look out" in a way I can't really describe but find hilarious. The Bruise Brothers are just two big dudes with long hair. They start big-booting people and I don't even see it but somehow Public Enemy wins? I rewind and see that Sullivan was holding some Public Enemy Guy or Other around for a second or two waiting for a Bruise Brother to kick him down so the Public Enemy guy lands on him and the ref can count 3. The Bruise Brothers chase the new champions to the back. In the ring, Sullivan is yelling at Tazmaniac. Tazmaniac gets on the mat, clutching his head and writhing around and...it's weird. Not sure what the storyline is here, but he's definitely playing the savage darkie card. Woman comes into the ring and starts slapping Taz. He's getting up. Is he gonna...

BAM, we cut to Taz hitting Sabu with a bat as part of the next match. For whatever reason, I was sort of interested to know how the post-match showdown was going to go. I checked for the Bruise Brothers on Wikipedia and, shock beyond all shocks, they were Don and Ron Harris. Them big twins on them V-Twins. With hair.

And you know something else? I hear-tell the Bruise Brothers, didn't play by society's rules.

TAZMANIAC – 0 SABU – 2 EVERYONE ELSE – 1

You know what I could use right now? Taz jobbing to Sabu.

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4. TAZ VS. SABU

Thank God! A whole match of something other than Tazmaniac versus Sabu was really disorienting. I'm feeling grounded again. Previously on this rebeak, TAZMANIAC hit SABU with a bat. Except now that I look again I'm not sure it was a bat, but it was definitely bat-shaped. Sabu is still in his gurney, poor guy. JOEY STYLES is screaming so I guess this was a televised match. Taz rams Sabu into the guard rail, foolishly knocking him clear of whatever restraints the gurney was supposed to have, and then sends him into the crowd. Oh look, a shot of lots of eight-year-olds in the crowd. Bless. I hope they get to hear a "You fucked up" chant before this is over. I can practically guarantee that Sabu will do something that deserves one. Taz sends Sabu back inside and stomps. Sabu reverses a whip and Papa Shangoes. Have they become confused as to which of them is which? Is Sabu going to miss a pointless forward-flip splash and get pinned later? Taz kicks Sabu, then charges, but Sabu ducks and Tazz ends up on the outside. And...climbs over the railing for no apparent reason. Now he's pushing the railing towards the ring (?) and...ah, he's creating enough room so Sabu can do an Asai moonsault on him into the crowd. Which Sabu does. That was the EXTREME version of every time five different luchadores gather tightly together outside of the ring and pantomime that they will soon begin fighting so that the sixth guy can do a suicide dive into them from the ring. Both guys sell being dead for a minute (other than that Asai moonsault, pretty much NOTHING has happened) and we get another glimpse of Hawaiian Shirt Guy before both wrestlers return to the ring. Sabu puts Taz in a corner and goes for the Stingar Splash, but Taz evades. He grabs Sabu for a belly2belly, and dumps him over the top rope to the floor. Joey Styles' voice cracks calling that one. Taz follows him out, whips him into the railing, headbutts him, and sends him back in. Cover for 2. Oh, this is for the TV Title, by the way. Back in the ring, Taz applies what Styles calls "a Japanese style submission manuever." PAUL E. DANGEROUSLY is at ringside bashing his enormous 80's cell phone into the mat to inspire Sabu. Wait, what the fuck is WOMAN (oh woman won't ya marry me now) doing at ringside? I always thought she looked way hotter in those goofy elbow-length gloves than Miss Elizabeth did. Thought you'd want my opinion on the relative hotness of dead wrestling valets. Sabu eventually gets out of whatever, but gets belly2back suplexed to death. He does evade a Taz headbutt, then gets a legdrop. If he were Hulk Hogan, this would be over. Sabu instead pulls Taz a little closer to the ropes and does his springboard legdrop, this time for 2. Sabu goes for a front facelock, but loses patience about three seconds in and releases it to stomp. Joey Styles explains that Kevin Sullivan sent Woman out here to keep an eye on Paul E, so presumably the Brothers in Midgetness Alliance did not implode after that match with Public Enemy. I'm not sure what Sullivan expects Woman to do to Paul E, though. He no-sold Dawn Marie's sexayness, so surely he can no-sell Woman's.

Sabu has Taz in the Camel Clutch. Styles: "His parents must be so proud, wherever they're locked up." You can barely hear Styles over an un-mic'd Paul just SCREAMING at Taz that he will never have the TV Title. Taz powers out of the Camel Clutch and gives Sabu an Electric Chair Drop. Headbutt by Taz. Taz tries a suplex, but Sabu shifts his weight in mid-air and covers for 2. Sabu sends Taz into the corner, then charges in with a flying kick. He...jumped off a chair that was set-up in the ring to hit that move, but I never saw the chair being set-up. Did the ref do it? It was just sort of there suddenly. Taz gets the chair and hits Sabu with it...probably. It clearly didn't hit him flush, and I'm not sure from the way they're acting if they're pretending it missed completely or what. Paul gets the chair out of the ring as Taz sweeps the leg and goes for some leg hold. Sabu counters...somehow. At least, he's now gripping Taz' back and acting like he's got a hold applied. Styles: "Can you believe mat wrestling by these two animals?" I'm actually finding it pretty hard to believe, actually, and now Sabu wisely breaks it off and goes for a body slam. Way-too-flippy slingshot splash attempt by Sabu, but Taz evades. Collar-and-T-Bone-Tazmaniacplex. Taz stays down longer than Sabu does for some reason. Eventually Sabu does a sort of jumping stomp, then throws Taz out of the ring. Taz ends up on a table. Sabu goes for a slingshot splash, but Taz escapes and Sabu puts himself through a table. (Aside to Super Asia: if only Optimus Prime were there to take pity on Sabu and lie on the table.) But now Paul E just CLOCKS Taz with his cell phone, hahaha. Remember years later when Paul made an impassioned speech on Smackdown about how Vince McMahon killed ECW and thus killed Paul's dream, and the whole thing culminated in Tazz choking Heyman out? Now we know the real reason he did it. Whaddya know, it's on YouTube.

Oh man, that started me on one of those YouTube journeys where you watch about ten videos more than you meant to watch before you pull yourself away. This is already taking so much longer than I thought it would. Anyway, Heyman clocks Taz with his phone, and then Woman starts doing classic "girl punches" where she just flails away ridiculously at Heyman's back. And Heyman turns around and takes off his coat and makes a face that just screams "sick bastard who would totally whack a woman with an 80's cell phone," but KEVIN SULLIVAN is out to save. And...what the fuck, the picture goes black and we hear this odd squeaking noise. It's like the guy whose TV this was recorded off of had a problem with their antennae. When we come back, Taz is covering Sabu for 3. Holy shit, Tazmaniac finally beats Sabu, but the ending is missing? RF Video, you've done it again! Styles: "The Tazmaniac has captured the coveted ECW Television champion!" He keeps him in a little cage.

TAZMANIAC – 1 SABU – 2 EVERYONE ELSE – 1

I refuse to remove my earlier comment about seeing Taz job to Sabu again since I didn't actually see how Taz won this time.

Oh wait, they splice in footage (with "LAST WEEK ON ECW" in the corner, so presumably the broadcast was Drozzled for everyone) and I can now see that Sabu went up top to point threateningly at Kevin Sullivan, and then Taz belly2back superplexed him to win. But I'm still not changing anything.

In one final bit of stalling before the next match, I love how the DVD box labels certain matches "NO DQ." This match, which featured Paulie just MURDERING Taz with the cell phone and featured outside interference from 3 different people, was apparently not "NO DQ." It's kind of like how when ECW on SciFi was brand new and they'd sometimes announce a no-DQ match as being contested "under ECW rules," implying that all the other ECW matches were...not.

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5. TAZ VS. SANDMAN

We start with everyone already in the ring, so no Sandman entrance. I didn't get to see a lot of ECW back in the day, but I'm under the impression that Sandman's entrance was way cooler than Sandman wrestling. WOMAN stands around being undead and sexy as SANDMAN stands around just looking undead. UNKNOWN COMMENTATOR (I'm almost positive this isn't Paul Heyman) says, "I know a lot of people advocate smoker's rights, but this guy just takes it too far!" in a really silly way. He's a heel because HE SMOKES. Hence the later success of the smoking Giant in WCW. I guess the C in ECW stands for CALIFORNIA HAHAHAHA two years later and I'm as unfunny as ever. The referee cautions TAZMANIAC to stand back until the dangerous secondhand smoke clears. If anyone is wondering, I'm not a smoker and I'm not militant about smoker's rights, I was just really tickled at the way this commentator tried to sell us on Sandman's evil. The commentator continues to say insane stuff, talking about how Woman could not communicate with Taz and that had she been able to her evil mind and his raw savage power would be...something. Commentator: "Tazz is READY FOR BAT-UHHHHHHHHHL!" I have to stop reporting on everything this nutberger says. They punch back and forth, and each blow is called. Sandman goes outside, and...what the fuck? Taz just sort of...comes crashing down behind Sandman on the floor. From where the camera was, you couldn't see Taz until he just sort of falls into shot and comes nowhere near hitting Sandman. They punch each other. Sandman gets thrown into the railing as the guy yells "TAZ ON THE OFFENSE!" several times. Was this commentary post-dubbed by a fan or something? He's not even called Taz yet, I'm just sick of typing Tazmaniac. Taz hits Sandman with a chair, and the commentator unsurprisingly loses his shit. "Forget about, forget about a description!" Maybe I should just move on, then. Sandman fights back, rams Taz into the apron, and then throws a punch that just COMPLETELY misses. I swear, I was absolutely certain Taz was going to take over here because Sandman missed by enough that it looked like it was meant to be Taz "dodging," but Sandman stays on offense anyway. Sandman hits Taz with a chair as the announcer's voice squeaks anytime he has to say "ECW." Sandman tries to suplex Taz through a table, but in a pretty cool spot Taz blocks and gourdbusters Sandman through it instead. SHADES OF EXTREME ARN ANDERSON. CW Anderson, maybe. Taz puts a folded-up table on top of Sandman, then jumps up and down on the table, haha. Now he's got like...a piece of the table frame or something, but whatever it is he can bend it around and he's trying to strangle Sandman with it. It's pretty neat, a safe spot for the performers that looks really violent and sick. Quick cut to Woman watching with that marvelous "callous bitch" look, as though she could give a shit if her man is about to die. Sigh.

The guys go back in the ring. Sandman takes over with punches. Leaning knee-first on Taz. He whips him into the ropes and gives him an elbow. Vertical suplex. Commentator Dude: "A suplex by the smoker from California! Cover him! *super squeakily* COVER HIM! What's wrong with this guy?" Not only does he smoke, he also doesn't cover on command! Just by doing that vertical suplex, Sandman is already better either of the Nasty Boyz. Now Sandman sets up for something but gets small packaged for 2, leading the commentator to say "GOING FOR...*incredibly awkward pause*...SMALL PACKAGE!" Later: "Clothesline by the Taz!" Holy shit, it's Starfire's brother! On the commentary. Sandman kicks. I guess it was low, because Taz is acting dead. Our commentator calls Sandman "vulgar." Later he will commit a shocking and vulgar act of smoking. Taz gets tossed outside. Taz kicks and clubbers, then grabs a chair. The commentator says he's "mauling" Sandman when he's actually just setting up the chair on the floor. Taz slams Sandman's face into the set-up chair. The commentator says more stuff which is only funny because of his delivery. Taz sends Sandman back in the ring. Taz going up top, presumably for his forward-flip variant on THE STUPID, but Sandman is up too early and he's forced to connect with a flying clothesline instead. It gets two. "And a kickout, believe it or not, by the Sandman!" I don't find it that difficult to believe. Sandman punches, then just slams Taz' head into the mat. "Woman sees her man displaying the violence...she ADVOCATES!" Hahaha, what? Sandman does some ironic sexy posing, then stomps. Choking. Sandman goes up top, and holy shit, I take back what I said about him being better than the Nasty Boys. That was the fucking worst top-rope elbowdrop ever. He practically fucking landed on one foot and then just did a regular standing elbow. "Well Taz put up a good fight, but Sandman..." Hahaha, he's selling that horrible elbow as possibly being the finish. Though for all I know that was Sandman's finisher. Sandman goes up for another, but Taz cuts him off with punches. Superplex, and...that gets 3. "Tazmaniac, with a victory!" THE PITBULL attacks Tazmaniac with a chain. "The Pitbull! The Pitbull attacks the Tazmaniac with a chain! The Pitbull has Pearl Harbored the Tazmaniac! The Pitbull! The Pitbull is beating the Tazmaniac!" Somebody get this guy a contract, he's ANNOUNCING GOLD! "Pitbull is trying to take out the Taz now!" "Now the Sandman will join in...FOR A DOUBLE TEAM! *pause* DOUBLE TEAM BY THE SANDMAN AND THE PITBULL! *pause* The Sandman has joined in with the Pitbull for the elimination, of the Tazmaniac!"

TAZMANIAC – 2 SABU – 2 EVERYONE ELSE – 1

Taz is making a comeback here on his own DVD, though one of his two wins still sees him ending up on the receiving end of...A DOUBLE TEAM!!!

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6. TAZ VS. PITBULL 1 (DOG COLLAR CHAIN MATCH)

I'm pretty sure the first ECW match I ever saw was Public Enemy vs. The Pitbulls in a double dog collar chain match. It blew my mind at the time, of course, but I have a feeling that seeing a single dog collar chain match after something like a decade of hacks trying to recreate the magic of classic "1 AM on Saturday on the local independent channel ECW" will leave me a little cold.

JOEY STYLES is back on commentary. PITBULL 1 is the same guy as the Pitbull, but the DVD box feels the need to be clear on which Pitbull is which. The Pitbull is accompanied by SOME GUY IN A SUIT COAT BUT NO SHIRT whose name I forget but will hopefully be supplied by Styles at some point. That dude is all over the second half of this DVD. Oh, and he's wearing pants, in case you were worried. TAZMANIAC runs right into a double-chain clothesline by Pitbull 1 and his manager because Tazmaniac is a dumbass. The pre-collared Pitbull puts the collar on Taz, then...punches. With the chain wrapped around his fist, at least. He stops to pose like a lunatic. He throws Taz to the floor and gets dragged behind him. Joey Styles makes fun of him for doing that before I can. Pitbull with chain-assisted choking, ON THE OUTSIDE! Tazmaniac fights back by ramming the guard-fence into Pitbull. Taz hits Pitbull with a chair and starts chain-choking as Styles goes into his regular "ECW>EVERYONE ELSE" spiel, complete with the required "I'm not being a shill, but..." disclaimer. He's right about how much more fun this was than what anyone else was doing at the time, of course. Pitbull bashes Taz into the apron, but Taz no-sells and heabutts. They go into the crowd. Another chairshot by Taz. Back to ringside, where Pitbull takes over and...grabs some fans' pro-Pitbull sign to wave around (Styles makes the requisite joke about not knowing the Pitbull could read.) And now the Pitbull attacks Taz with the sign. The sign was, you know, made of paper. Back in the ring, and Pitbull is kicking and stuff. Styles says the Pitbull has "martial arts training." Pitbull with chain-choking, and Styles says "now he's trying to choke the Taz out!" "Shit-bull" chant. Pitbull starts touching corners, and of course stops to point at each corner before he goes to it. Taz jerks the chain and brings him down before he can touch the fourth, so I guess this is one of those "touch four corners in a row" chain matches. Those are stupid, STUPID I SAY. I mean it SOUNDS all violent and cool because the match has "chain" in the name, but they always end with someone finding a way to touch all four corners without really beating his opponent to the point where he could be pinned.

Anyway, now Taz is trying to touch various corners, and Joey Styles is surprised that this savage Tasmanian savage even understands the rules. Pitbull clubbers him to break it up. Choking in the ropes, and the fans are really, REALLY into chanting "Shit-bull." Seriously, they're just so happy that they can curse in public. Belly2belly by the Pitbull for 2. Wait, what? Why is he going for pinfalls, and why is the ref counting them? Pitbull argues the count with the ref, or maybe he's just asking the ref if pinfalls count anyway, and then he turns into a T-bone-Tazmaniacplex. The Pitbull does, not the ref. Styles finally reveals that the shirtless sexay heel manager of the Pitbull is named "Jason." Some dicking around on Wikipedia reveals that it really is just "Jason," though at other times he wrestled as "Jason Knight" for what that's worth. Anyway, the suplex gets 2, so I guess this is a match where pinfalls count. Both men slow to rise, then Pitbull gets a neat-looking quasi-karate kick. Pitbull with a powerbomb. Joey Styles criticizes the Pitbull for not covering, then remembers he has to hit four corners to win anyway. Wait, what? What in the Hell are the rules? This sort of reminds me of Hulk Hogan asking the referee the rules of the Sumo Monster Truck Match when he and the Giant were already in their trucks. Oh shit, back to this match, and they're doing that bit where the heel drags the face behind them, hitting each corner in turn, but the face hits the corners without the heel knowing it. It's fucking stupid, it's how every one of these matches ends (so why am I acting surprised?) and it's completely out-of-character for the merciless savage Tazmaniac to try and win like this. Wait, what the...as Pitbull is going to hit the last corner, Taz belly2backs him and...covers for 3? Nobody ever touched all four corners. And why the fuck did they do the whole "sneaking around touching 3 corners behind your back" bit if it was gonna end on a pinfall anyway!?

Suddenly, PITBULL 2 runs in and makes me look like a dick for not thinking this match should have been written up as Tazmaniac vs Pitbull 1. In my defense, Joey Styles is freaking out about how he hasn't seen Pitbull 2 in years and this is apparently a pretty shocking return. Styles: "I thought he fell off the face of the Earth! I thought they put him to sleep!" Hahaha. Anyway, Pitbull 2 whips the victorious Taz with a chain for a while. Did every match in ECW end with a run in? The Pitbulls do some decent but unspectacular double team stuff. Now they decide to hang him. Styles calls it a lynching, and it's always fun when a Black wrestler is pretend-lynched. Lyncheries aren't enough for the Pitbulls, so they decide to hit Tazz with a chair as he is choked to death. Group pose.

TAZMANIAC – 3 SABU – 2 EVERYONE ELSE – 1

Who the fuck wins with a back suplex anyway? Pitbull 1 eats like a half a dozen chairshots and then goes down to a back suplex? And while it's always dangerous to try and apply logic to wrestling storylines, I may as well ask. Where was Pitbull 2 BEFORE Pitbull 1 lost the match? I guess the smiling face of Jason on the apron (I paused to type all this) should make it pretty obvious: they never gave a shit who won, they just wanted to beat up Taz.

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7. TAZ & GIOVANNI VS. PITBULLS

It's not really Giovanni of course. That's just me digging up an ancient WV joke (a Sofaism, if memory serves) for any "mystery partner." The DVD box just flat out tells us who it is, but I'm hoping to create some drama and tension. For you, my beloved reader. Someone is reading this, right?

We open with PITBULLS already in the ring. I guess the "the" that belongs in front of Pitbulls was one of the ones that goofball commentator kept putting in front of "Taz." JASON is there. No sign of Josh. TAZMANIAC comes out and attacks a camera man who was in his way, just to look badassed. I assume the cameraman was a "plant" and in on it. Haha, the cameraman falls in such a way that he bounces off the barricade and sort of falls into Taz. He ends up on the floor, and Taz tries to sort of badassedly stomp at him without looking down, and comes really, really close to falling the fuck over. Not all moments of "Attempts to look badass just come off goofy" have to be as in-your-face as the Shockmaster. Now TOD GORDON (I think) is in the ring announcing that Taz' partner has had transportation problems, and that the match will be rescheduled (smarkity smark that I am, methinks this just may be a work.) Pitbull 1 chases him out of the ring as Taz slides in under the bottom rope and Pitbull 2 starts whipping him with a chain. Again, this match is not listed as "No DQ." Pitbull 2 holds Taz while Pitbull 1 attax. Now they do more chain-whipping. Combined choking and stomping. The Pitbulls double team some as the camera keeps checking to see if anything more interesting is happening in the aisle. Apparently some heels are back there preventing any faces from coming out and helping Taz (look, the idiot didn't have to slide into the ring, its his own damned fault.) I can't really see who it is...I recognize MR. HUGHES, whose whole career was basically based on being a scary-looking Black dude. Joey Styles mentions "Fat Cat Austin and the Rockin' Rebel," I think. I'm pretty sure I'm right about Rockin' Rebel, almost sure I'm wrong about Fat Cat Austin. HACK MEYERS is namedropped as being a face who got crushed. Wasn't he sort of famous amongst smarks as being someone who maintained a smark-friendly website? I looked him up on Wikipedia (and looking up every name I don't remember is making the writing of this take FOREVER) and learned he trained Tyson Tomko in wrestling. But he never taught him how to provide Christian a beat. Anyway, in the ring, Pitbull 2 is now just whipping the mat with a chain to make cool noises as Pitbull 1 just stomps Taz. Oh, it turns out its Chad Austin, ok. Although I like the idea of Steve Austin in a rich, refined socialite gimmick. Sort of a non-British Earl of Eaton. Now a guy who is definitely 911 comes out. He and Hughes have a presumably intense stare down we can't see that well, and to judge by Joey Style's commentary them facing off is a big deal (though as I've pointed out, everything is the most exciting thing ever when Styles calls it.) Hughes fires two punches, both shrugged off, and then 911 punches him down. He goes to double chokeslam CHAD AUSTIN (as Chad briefly reimaged himself when he thought acting like Stone Cold would impress Raye) and THE ROCKIN' REBEL (who is Grandpa, I guess.) Well, he goes to, and then waits around for like a minute because Mr. Hughes is supposed to break it up with a chairshot and is all kindsa late. Like I said a few matches ago, I haven't seen an episode of Sailor Moon in years, but somehow rebeaking just draws it out of me. Mr. Hughes proceeds to give the downed 911 at least a dozen chairshots, and while you can't see well enough to know if these are solid shots or he's just hitting the ground near 911, it does make you wonder why heels ever get a chair, deliver one chairshot, and then stop. The Pitbulls just looked bored with beating up Taz now. They've resorted to running into the ropes to get momentum, then doing a running stomp. PAUL E. DANGEROUSLY comes out, and gets kicked by "Jason, the sexiest man on Earth." I know this only from Styles' commentary, as you can't see any of it. If not even Paul E. can help, this might truly be it! Is this the end of little Tazmaniac?

BUTWAIT (I had to do at least one,) SABU is Taz' mystery partner! If you deduced that this match would somehow involve Sabu, give yourself a big pat on the back for not being as stupid as some theoretical person who could not guess as much. Sabu throws a chair that he may or may not have gotten from Mr. Hughes, who seems to have gone to the Farplane at some point. Sabu apparently takes out Jason off-camera, and runs into the ring for an All-Store Brawl. Now a series of whip reversals sees Tazmaniac and Sabu run into each other, and Tazmaniac is seeing for the first time that Sabu is here. They act like they're going to go at it, but only for like a fraction of a second and poor Styles has to wonder aloud if they're going to go at it when they're already clearly working together. It's sort of like Style's commentary track is out of synch with the DVD. A problem that occasionally pops up at Rifftrax. Rifftrax, we don't make movies, we make them funny! *pointless guitar riff* Anyway, Sabu indicates his desire to help Tazmaniac by pointing at the ceiling, and Tazmaniac accepts his offer by doing his gay little jump-in-place thing he did in the first two matches. It's adorably retarded.

Our heroes go back to clubbering on the Pitbulls (who just stood back and watched their odd non-verbal communication earlier.) Taz belly2bellies Pitbull 2 out of the ring, then goes after Pitbull 1 while Sabu does a slingshot to the outside into a hurricanrana on Pitbull 2. That was pretty cool. Hey, if I mistype and go with Pitbull1 instead of Pitbull 1, my spellchecker doesn't give me grief over the fact that pitbull is really two words. And...oops, Taz gives Pitbull 1 (or Pitbull1 if you prefer) a "Tazplex" for 3.

TAZMANIAC – 3 ½ SABU – 2 ½ EVERYONE ELSE – 1

If you think of that match as starting when Tazmaniac and Sabu agreed to work together, it was 3 moves long. I also noticed about here that pretty much every match on this collection seems to end out of nowhere (lots of "huh"s, "oops"es and such in my write-ups, and I didn't even see how Taz and Sully versus PE ended at first.) You can spin it into a positive by pointing at that almost all WWE match endings can be seen from a mile away, but I'm thinking it's more about early ECW matches just ending randomly.

Final Thoughts: Hmm...returning to rebeaking after about a year and a half of not keeping the old "wacky wrestling joke-making" sharp, and choosing a "Best of" collection with no backstage sketches or promos to mock and lots of play-by-play to bore people with. Maybe this wasn't a great idea. It's tempting to slap the blame on poor little Tazz, and to say that WV only loved him because of the wacky shit he said during his long-lived bromance with Cole (and for me, their break-up really was one of the first blows to rebeaking being enjoyable.) But the fact is that Tazz was pretty much a better wrestler than anyone else here. Though I'd still have preferred to hear him screeching at Fifi that he want interview.

I didn't mean to end this on a downer, but I just learned (literally while browsing Wikipedia during the writing of this) that ECW on Sci-Fi (or ScyFy, I guess) is cancelled. I mean, I'm writing this on a Monday and as I write tomorrow's episode of ECW is the last one ever. WWE retains the timeslot, and is apparently going to do a sort of quasi Tuff Enuff reality show about their farm territory in Florida, which I couldn't possibly care about (no offense meant if ChainClaw is reading this.) And while I can understand if you don't want to acknowledge any connection between ECW as a McMahon brand on ScyFy and ECW when it was booked and/or owned by Paul Heyman, to me it still feels like the bad guys are killing ECW AGAIN.

I just spent almost the entirety of my President's Day off poking fun at, or at least trying to poke fun at, a bunch of ECW matches. I reread it for typos and such and while I'm (Part 2 of) kinda kicking myself for not making it funnier, I definitely enjoyed watching all of that again. The plain and simple fact is that ECW was fun. Even Sandman being a completely shitty wrestler managed to be sort of fun (in this case, thanks to that commentator.) Looking back, Hardcore TV would have been so much more fun to rebeak than RAW and Smackdown ever were.

Well, now I've got a real bittersweet feeling about WV and ECW. It's probably a good thing I've got to go back to work tomorrow and won't have time to get all moody about past memories. Anyway, the plan right now is to rebeak the last seven matches on this DVD one or two at a time over the next week or so, and to post the exciting conclusion later. Then I'll probably disappear for another year or so, though nothing is certain. You never know, someone else may make a shocking, Pitbull 2 style return. I'd love to have another Pitbull around, though I insist on being Pitbull 1 (seeing as Pitbull 2 is dead.)