Allright, I fucked up taping RAW, so here’s Summerslam 1992. I could have done No Way Out 2004, but other than Brok yelling “JUST DIE” at Eddie, it wasn’t that great. Actually it was, but I did this anyway.

Oh, and it’s a ppv, so the match-writeups may be really long. Sorry. Hey, Sofa’s “excuse me if I don’t write 3 pages on this one” wasn’t aimed at me, was it?

Up first, an ad for the “Rampage 92” video. No voice-over, just rocking’ music and a shot of Warrior shaking around. There’s the cover-art, featuring Warrior. Here’s Undertaker chokeslamming Berzerker as Warrior stands on the apron. The cover again. And here’s Undertaker giving Papa Shango a flying clothesline as Berzerker crawls around and Ultimate Warrior stands on the apron. So…we know for sure this video has that one tag match. Sure, Warrior, you faced the Ultimate Challenge at Skydome, but do you dare to watch the Undertaker beat up mid-carders?

Now TOOTY FRUITY talks about six hot new videos being held up by a Hulk Hogan standee. THE HEENAN FAMILY SHOULD BE MORE LIKE THE NEBRASKA FAMILY tries to steal some, so Okerlund yells at him for being an idiot and stuff. Well, he is desperate for an Ultimate Warrior video. Heenan says Coliseum Video has his credit card number and will charge him later. Okerlund: “They wouldn’t charge their own mothers!” Um, why are you loudly broadcasting that this is some kinda cash-only operation? Heenan eventually pulls the old “look behind you” trick that worked way too often for him. Okerlund reminds us repeatedly to tell our local video store to get these videos, since they obviously aren’t going to get them unasked. Sadly, while I never watched it, my local video store did have that one Warrior video. I recognize the incredibly un-macho lime-green facepaint.

Macho Man, Sergeant Slaughter and Mr. Perfect have dueling voice-overs from various psychedelic wonderlands as they try to make us buy action figures of guys like “The Texas Tornado” Kerry Von Erich, Koko B. Ware and Greg “The Hammer” Valentine. I always liked how Sarge and Macho stole Perfect’s catchphrase for comic effect. Then a whole separate ad features the voices of Davey Boy and a young, energetic Undertaker. Taker: “The Undertaker will bury those stiffs.” Heehee, stiffs. Taker: “New WWF figures got duh power.” How dark and scary. Oh great, now tag team figures. Macho, Hawk and Animal pimp the LOD and the Nasty Boys. We see the Bushwhackers figures, and yet they get no dap. I imagine mint-condition Bushwhacker dolls are probably worth real money these days. Like, thirteen years later.

Hahaha, I forgot all about ICO-PRO. “For everybody who cares about their body.” You’d better find some Ico-Pro soon, or you could die.

British fans gibber unintelligibly. So very different from today. British kid: “British Bulldog’s gonna win, whether he wants to or not!” Whoa, was that a threat? There’s a guy imitating a Bushwhacker. Or perhaps he’s just a mentally disabled homeless gentleman. Now some fags play a fanfare over random shots of England. This is, um, a really long fanfare.

And now we’re in Wembley Stadium, and if EVIL MILLIONAIRE LEX LUTHOR is to be believed, there are over 80,000 fans in attendance. Christ. I typed Wesley Stadium the first time. It can hold an infinite number of fans due to The Traveler’s time and space fag-magic (or fagic,) and yet it attracts no fans. Vince McMahon gives us a hokey “surprised” face when his co-host and color-man BRANIAC puts on a crown. McMahon: “What are you doing with the ridiculous-looking crown on!?” Heh. Oh, the irony. Heenan declares himself “Sir Bobby, the King of England.” Vince thinks Henry VIII is rolling over in his grave. What kind of king would Bobby make? He hasn’t murdered a single wife! McMahon calls Bobby a “royal pain” (oh Vince you are a caution) and asks him what corner Mr. Perfect will be in tonight. Yep, you guessed it, it’s that one. Bobby pauses, then thoughtfully answers, “Wooooo!”

PA system: “*EVIL LAUGH* Money money money money money!” Man, I really miss some of those old-school theme songs. MR. MONEYBAGS and TIE-FIGHTER (w/GO GET EM BABY, AHAHAHAHA!) are out to start things off right. Jimmy Hart has a relatively demure air-brushed coat with images of both his cash-conscious charges. Irwin is always ready for business in his suspenders and tie, and Dibiase has favored us with the alternate white version of his famous dollar sign coat and pants ensemble. Truly a dapper gentlemen, that Theodore. Perhaps he’s puttin’ on the Ritz. If only someone were to catalogue the best-dressed men in this great sport so that this Million Dollar Trooper might be properly honored. Super duper. Oh man, you know what would have been the coolest thing ever? If Dibiase wore a coat, panties and boots with pound signs instead of dollar signs on them for this one match. Wait a second, Irwin’s GOT THE STICK! Shyster: “It’s a well-known fact, this if you British tax-cheats would pay your fair share, you wouldn’t put the burden, on the royal family!” OMG HEEL! Sadly, Money Inc is not going to face Brutus Beefcake in a chicken mask or win an ultra-rare ppv match over a team involving Hogan. Instead, they are about to be killed by OOOOOH I’M DYIN’ IN A RUSH and ANIMAL, ANIMAL, E-YA-AH-AH (w/THE PRECIOUS and HAWK IS NO LONGER ENJOYING MY MODERN LIFE.) Vince: “Rocko on his way to the ring!” Um, Paul Ellering is actually driving the motorbike, Vince. Vince: “Hawk bringing up the rear, and Animal’s right behind!” Man, even Shane was better on commentary than Vince. Nice, healthy LOD chant. Vince tells us the LOD are known for their power, as well as their psychology. Uh-huh. Hawk and Dibiase start. Here’s a nice close-up of Rocko shouting “LOD, LOD!” Ok, I know it’s been said a million times before, but it bears repeating: Vince McMahon is such a complete doofus that he hired the most wildly popular bad-ass tag-team in American wrestling away from the NWA and, in order to give them more kiddie-appeal (nevermind they were already an even more cartoonish version of the villains from the film that gave them their real name, Road Warrior) he paired them with a ventriloquist’s dummy. It made bad jokes and had nothing to do with anything, though it made an awesome prop in EIW when people roleplaying as the Road Warriors needed to be taken down a few pegs. Rocko makes a great foreign object. Anyway, yeah, Hawk yells “LOD” so as to get the crowd to chant some more. Teddy throws a knee and some chops. Hawk actually sells it, but reverses a whip. Teddy retreats to the floor. Christ Dibiase, he hasn’t even hit you yet! Vince claims Ted is breaking Hawk’s momentum. Though Hawk hadn’t hit him yet. Animal attacks Teddy from behind and chucks him in. Teddy yells at Animal, so Hawk clotheslines him back to the floor. Now Animal nails Dibiase on the outside, then tosses him back in. Poor Ted scrambles for the tag. Hawk tags out as well, and it’s Animal vs Irwin. Heenan says Hawk is afraid of IRS, which is sort of cute. IRS throws a knee, sends Animal into the buckles, and…gets his whip reversed. IRS bounces off the corner, and Animal works in “stand on Irwin’s tie” early. Gorilla press slam by Animal. Animal lets Irwin up at 1 because Dibiase was looking to break it up. Arm-wringer for IRS, and Hawk is tagged in for a double-axehandle to the arm. IRS goes to the eyes, then snags a sleeper. Another close-up of Rocko, who appears to be having a coughing fit. Oh, he’s going, “HAWK! HAWK! HAWK!” It honestly took me a second to figure that out. Hawk finally fights out of the sleeper (after the old “arm drops twice” bit) and backs Irwin into the corner. Hawk sends Irwin into the corner, and clotheslines him down. Heenan points out that a sleeper, which cuts off the blood flow to the brain, is a bad choice against Hawk. Hawk goes up top, but IRS ducks the flying clothesline, and Hawk ends up all the way out on the floor. On Dibiase’s side too, as Ted is quick to slam him on the floor. Heh, Paul Ellering gently sets down Rocko to chase Hart around. Dibiase slams Hawk against the ring apron before sending him back in. The heels are about to take over completely, so let’s make a paragraph break.

Dibiase now tags in and, according to Vince, “blocks the tag” that Hawk was attempting from like ten feet away from Animal. IRS puts his boot out, so wrestling law dictates Dibiase slam Hawk into it and tag out (no matter how much fresher he is than Irwin.) IRS snap-mares Hawk, then drops a few elbows and covers for 2. Tag to Dibiase, who slams Hawk against the buckles. Tag out to IRS, who goes for a Ninja chokeout. Man…I like Money Inc’s gimmick way more than their wrestling right now. Jimmy Hart does his fay laughing as…Dibiase stretches his foot out to press against Irwin’s foot and provide more leverage, somehow. That’s some really stupid-looking cheating right there. Animal protests, drawing away the ref and leading to one of my favorite spots: the heels switching illegally when there was nothing stopping them from tagging. Dibiase slaps the Ninja chokeout right back on. Heenan: “If you’re close enough, you don’t have to tag.” They do it again as Animal draws out the ref again. Dibiase tagged in legally. He stomps and covers for 2. Paul Ellering slaps the apron to keep the easily engaged crowd going. Hawk blocks something and rams Dibiase into the top turnbuckle, but Dibiase manages to tag out and IRS prevents the tag. Criss-cross spot, and Hawk ducks an IRS clothesline (but not the dreaded Write-Off, see below) and gets a clothesline of his own. Hawk tries to crawl for the tag, but IRS puts a little Anderson on it by tagging out, and then grabbing his opponent’s leg and holding him back from tagging. Dibiase comes in, and cuts the tag off right. Dibiase: *EVIL LAUGH.* Heenan: “Money money money money money.” Dibiase taunts Animal, who comes in and thus can’t tag again. Then IRS chokes Hawk with the tag rope while Animal and ref argue. Jesus Christ Animal, how stupid are you? At least this is in-character stupidity for a face, and not like the time Test was on the apron while Christian signaled desperately for him to cheat and Test just kinda stared blankly at him. Hawk begins to power Dibiase towards the LOD corner, but IRS distracts the ref so he can’t see the otherwise legal tag LOD makes. Save some tag-thwarting tactics for the Beverly Brothers, guys, they get a title shot later in the show. IRS tags in for no reason. Now Irwin and Hawk do a double-clothesline spot sans any real set-up. Heenan: “Why don’t you send Rocko in to make the tag, Ellering?” Um, and how would that work, exactly? A double-tag finally occurs, and Animal kills everyone. Flying shoulderblock (it’s like a SUPER POUNCE!) for Dibiase, dropkick for Irwin, and some kicks for Dibiase. IRS attacks from behind, but Animal ducks a double-clothesline and gets…a double clothesline. Hawk atomic drops Irwin, who goes flying to the floor. Dibiase sent into the corner and clotheslined by Animal. They set-up the Doomsday Device on Teddy, but IRS is back in to dropkick Animal. Hawk hops down and punches IRS down. The heels accidentally collide, and Animal powerslams Dibiase for 3. Well, that ending was kind of a gyp. Like all LOD matches that aren’t really cool eight-second squashes or that one hardcore match Sting and Booker carried, this sucked. We didn’t even see Hawk no-sell a piledriver or do a neckbreaker.

Yeah, so, IRS’ finisher at some point was “the Write-Off,” which was a flying clothesline. Lame, huh? The thing is, when the WWF came out with a new Nintendo game shortly after this (Steel Cage Challenge, the game after the one with power-ups like Honkey Tonk Man’s guitar and the other one where you can be “You,” a skinny white boy in undies) and used footage from the game when pimping it on the air. The game was ass, as everyone had the same moveset and nobody had finishers. With one exception…everyone had a flying clothesline, so they used to show OMG HEEL IRS giving the flying clothesline to babyface Razor Ramon. Vince used to say, “Look out Razor Ramon! IRS is going for the Write-Off!” It was funny if you were there. He couldn’t be bothered to sound interested, just loud. And it was funny as Hell that the big star this game ad pushed was frickin’ IRS. And that if the game played for a few seconds after that devastating finisher, Razor would have kicked out at 1.

MEAN WOO GENE gives us a quick summation of how AN ANGRY YOUTH is pissed off about tonight’s world title match because he feels he is the true top contender. Flair: “Rest assured little man, it was not I alone that was disgruntled over the fact, that the great Ric Flair was denied his opportunity to regain the World Wrestling Federation championship, right here at Summerslam! After all, when you’re talkin’ about the bright lights and the big cities, you gotta be talkin’ London England! And when you’re talkin’ Summerslam, and when you’re talkin’ the World Wrestling Federation, you gotta be talkin’ Ric Flair! Woo!” Okerlund asks why he’s wearing the glittery robe. Flair: “That’s because anyone that knows anything about Ric Flair knows that he stays ready for any kind of action!” Glittery robe action. A fashion show against Chavo Classic. Okerlund asks Flair whose corner Mr. Perfect will be in tonight. Flair gives us a “I’m about to say something” face, then smiles. Okerlund rewords the question a few ways so Flair can make a few more fake starts. Finally, Okerlund demands to know Perfect’s current location. Flair: “Why he’s in the dressing room!” Care to be more specific? “The dressing room of the winner, who else!? Woo! Woo!”

And we P-L-U-N-G-E down the card as HEY, LOOK AT MY ASS (Sean “Mooney,” get it?) gives us an interview with NOW HEAD OF SECURITY. Virgil gives us an almost word-for-word redelivery of his Superstars promo that week, but since that was almost fifteen years ago I’ll transcribe his current insanity. “Nailz, I seen what did to my friend the Big Bossman, you handcuffed him behind his back, and then you beat him like a dog man. Well, I survived ALL the toughest streets around the world man, and the biggest street I’m gonna survive is right out here at Wembley Stadium, because YOU GOT TO WANT IT MAN!” You gotta want it was the Ico-Pro slogan, or maybe that was something else years later. “And Nailz, my saying is, do onto you, before you ever do onto me, because like all the good people here in London, and ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE around the world man, I am definitely, TOO, LEGIT, TO QUIT! Let the games begin.” That was awful. Man.

JG’S 13TH GREATEST WRESTLER OF ALL TIME is already in the ring. And here I was hoping to hear his non-existent theme music. Nailz has a nightstick when the match starts, which seems like a foolish thing for the ref to allow. ARISTOTLEAN AVENGER’S FAVORITE POET comes out to his generic babyface music to die his generic babyface death. Virgil circles, and gets grabbed by the throat. Vince says Virgil is “an excellent Street Fighter!” Nailz chokes Virgil in the corner. I guess Virgil screwed up the Shoryuken motion. Virgil does a clothesline and a dropkick, but can’t take the…somewhat big man down. Nailz chokes him a little, and shoves him down. Nailz with an Irish whip that somehow manages to look shitty. Virgil ducks a clothesline and goes for a sunset flip. Nailz doesn’t go over, and punches down, but Virgil escaped the punch. Nailz kinda stands there, and gets rolled up…for less than 1, as he starts turning over in confusion immediately. He chokes Virgil on the mat. He breaks at four, then chokes for four more. Nailz pitches Virgil out over the top. In NWA, that’s a blatant DQ. Nailz follows him out and slams Virgil’s head on the apron. He rolls back in. He rolls back out. He slams Virigl’s head on the apron. He rolls back in. He rolls back out. He throws Virgil back in. Heenan claims Nailz got a parking ticket when he went to the florist to buy his mother some flowers, and that’s why he was sent to a maximum security prison to be savaged by Cobb County fatties. Virgil tries to battle back with jobber punches. Nailz runs into Virgil’s boots, but takes over with a clothesline. Nailz whips Virgil to the ropes and applies the choke/sleeper. The ref calls for the bell without even checking Virgil. That’s how awesome Nailz’ sleeper is. When he’s not saying psychotic shit with the voice-amp mic, he can put anyone to sleep OH-HOHOHO. Oh, uh, he won, it wasn’t like a DQ or anything. Nailz hits Virgil with the nightstick and chokes him a bit for good measure. Vince: “Even some of the officials in the World Wrestling Federation are intimidated by Nailz!” Normally those dudes are totally badass. Heenan: “Hit him again! You can hit him all you want, the match is over!” Good point. Why did I like Nailz again?

LORD ALFRED “RUTHERFORD B” HAYES knocks on a door marked “Macho Man.” Hayes claims to be investigating the whereabouts of Mr. Perfect. Hayes, angry: “I can confirm however, that this door has been locked for some time and nobody is answering!” He promises to stand outside the empty room knocking on the door for as long as it takes.

SPEAK ENGLISH YOU IDIOT! talks to OH GOD SHE’S UGLY. Okerlund narrates footage of why Shawn Michaels and Rick “The Model” Martel are feuding. Gorilla Monsoon explodes with excitement when Martel and the other Martel exchange a wink. Rick’s cartoonish facial expressions make it work. Back to the present, as Sensational Sherri tells us she doesn’t want the pretty boys to hit each other in the face. Well, ok.

LIGHTENING BOLT ASS is out dressed as a tennis pro. Heenan: “Eat your heart out, Andre Agassi!” Two seconds later, Martel to the camera: “Eat your heart out, Andre Agassi!” And, accompanied by the dulcet tones of Sherri singing “Sexy Boy” is THE CANADIANS ARE BOOING MY COCKY HEEL PERSONA, BUT SOMEDAY I’M SURE TO WIN THEM OVER (w/SENSATIONALLY WEIRD-LOOKING SHERRI and ABACUS.) Yeah, they have a mirror. An ugly fat British woman thinks HBK is the sexiest man in the world. Vince: “Who is more conceited, Michaels or Martel?” Heenan: “Well, we know it’s not Howard Finkel.” Vince: “Good point.” Vince bitches about the “no hitting in the face” stipulation Sherri created. Vince, on Sherri’s assless chaps (she’s wearing a thing underneath, and you don’t want to think about it, believe me:) “Oh my goodness, what happened to…there’s a part of…Sherri’s outfit that’s missing I believe!” Pause. “Yes there is!” Pause, waiting for Heenan: “That’s too bad!” Finally Heenan makes some moon jokes. On behalf of Sherri’s exposed ass, he will punish you. Oh, and moth jokes. Sherri disrobes Shawn very, very slowly. Switch to the easy fling-off chaps, Hicken-exposed-bottom. Vince: “This may be the highlight of the night!” Lockup, headlock by Martel, Michaels tries to whip out but Martel holds on. This whip works, and some fancy leapfrogging by Michaels ends when Martel cartwheels to the side and does jumping jacks. Yeah, fay heel vs fay heel can go in some weird directions. Shawn with a headlock, Martell whips his way out, and some criss-crossery ends with a dropkick by HBK. He gloats, and gets forearmed from behind. Martell gloats, but stays on Shawn with some knees. HBK reverses a whip. Martell tries a springboard crossbody out of the corner (not a common sight in 92) but HBK ducks it. Martell sells the face. HBK wrings the arm a few times, and puts on a wristlock. He pulls Martell down by the hair. An enrages Martell kips up and goes to punch him in that face, but barely remembers himself in time. HBK rewards him by yanking him down by the hair. Martell kips back up and pulls Michaels down by the hair. Hahaha. Michaels kips up and also considers the face-punch option. Instead, he wrings the arm. More criss-crossery sees Martell sending HBK out over the top in a nice bump. Sherri checks on HBK as Martell goes outside. Martell, invites Sherri to go away with him, to another world. They hug. Vince: “She likes it!” Now Rick attacks Shawn, and sends him back in. Vince accuses Heenan of bestiality as Martell gets a backdrop and does some jumping jacks. Martell tries something, but HBK reverses and gets a sunset-flip. He pulls Martell’s tights hard enough to show some serious crack, but the ref sees him. Martell rolls through and pulls Michaels’ tights, but again the ref is on to them. HBK reverses by practically pulling Martell’s panties off. In it’s own way dickish-cheating way, this is the greatest match ever. Martell reverses with more cheek-showing, but they end up in the ropes. The crowd is whistling. Both men back up, and Shawn punches away at Martell’s midsection. SUPERKICK! IT’S OVER!

But that isn’t his finisher and is aimed at the chest anyway. HBK throws more body blows. Martell reverses a whip, but runs face-first into HBK’s boots! No DQ (I mean, the stipulation was purely voluntary anyway.) HBK covers with his feet on the ropes, but the ref sees him. HBK argues with the ref, so Martell school boys him with a handful of trunks for 2. Face-off. Shove by HBK. Martell returns the favor. HBK smacks him in the face. Sherri is on the apron. Martell hits Michaels in the face. Sherri: “NO!!! NO!!!” Hahaha. They both cock their fists to really go at it, so SHERRI FAINTS ON THE APRON. This delights me for some reason. Michaels goes out to check on her, and accidentally knocks her to the floor. Martell goes out, shoves Shawn away, and checks on Sherri. He tries pushing on her boobies. Shawn comes back, and they slug it out while the ref counts them both out. Now Sherri is up, watching both men, checking her hair, and then she “passes out” again before anyone can see her. Haha. A horde of official separate the two…WHAT THE FUCK!? It’s JJ Dillon! It really is! HBK comes back to get Sherri. He pulls her up, and instead of carrying her all romantic-like, he draped her over his shoulder and carries her out that way. Martell breaks free of the officials and attacks Shawn, sending Sherri flying. Haha. Then he wipes his hands of it and scoops Sherri up. He gives her the old “bride over the threshold” carry, but HBK attacks from behind so Sherri gets crushed again. Heenan: “Why don’t they just roll her back?” Hahaha. Now Shawn does groom carry, with the “unconscious” Sherri clearly clinging to him. Even Vince comments. Now Martell is back out, and for some reason he has a bucket. He douses…Sherri! The crowd loves it. Easily pleased. Michaels chases Martell off, leaving Sherri. Sherri: “NO!!!! NO!!!!”

SAILOR MOONEY AHAHAHAHA talks to PAULA ABDUL OR WHOEVER’S FAVORITE TAG TEAM (w/NOT ALLOWED WITHIN 1500 FEET OF MARCHO MAN.) The black-haired one says Sherri’s mascara was like “an oil-slick on the Thames.” Which he pronounces with a long a. Nasty. The blonde one laughs even more annoyingly. The Nasty Boys yell the word “nasty” a lot. They yell at Jimmy that they want a title shot. Jimmy is worried (there’s a while shitty storyline which ends with him betraying the Nasties for Money Inc) but promises them a title shot. They are ecstatic. Thanks for showing up, Nasties.

Already in the ring are THE WORLD’S GAYEST TAG TEAM (w/WATCH OUT WORLD, I’VE GOT A GAZELLE! ) The Beverlies have really gay music. And these glittery purple robes with built-in ridiculous false shoulders. Whatever you call those. Fan sign: “The Natural Disasters will SQUASH the Beverlies!” Dirty smark. Finkel: “And now, a poem, from the Genius!” The Genius: “From the home of the Olympic games of 1948, and the World Cup of 1966 I know the date, now at Summerslam at Wembley, and the Genius holds the key, behold the future champions, the Brothers Beverly!” Now ET TOOT, SHARK ATTACK? (billed at a total combined weight of 862 pounds) waddle to the ring. The Beverlies attack from behind to start, but that doesn’t last long. They do some full-nelson/running fatass attacks. Typhoon starts with Blake. Elbow, slam, walk across the chest, etc. Blake dodges an elbow and rakes the eyes, but then he stupidly tries a slam. He gets him up, but Typhoon falls on him and Beau has to save. Earthquake clotheslines Beau out. Typhoon squashes Blake in the corner with the Ho-Train Attack. Full-nelson, Earthquake going for the Ho-Train, but Blake slips out and Beau holds Typhoon’s foot to make Earthquake accidentally rub pasty tummies with Typhoon. The ref sends Earthquake out as the Beverlies do some double-teaming. They switch illegally, and Blake press-slams Beau onto Typhoon for 2. Typhoon’s kickout sends Beau to the floor, but he’s right back in for stomping. Heenan: “Wait a minute, wait a minute McMahon, shut up! I’ve got a message here! Ladies and gentlemen, Shawn Michaels has left Wembley Stadium!” Genius, to camera: “Those guys are so fat.” Blake tagged in to do a second-rope splash on Typhoon as Beau holds him. To prevent a quick escape by the cat-like Typhoon. Tag to Beau…BEVERLYIZER! Shades of the Beverly Brothers. Beau kicks at the fleshy, fleshy ribs of Typhoon. Blake drapes his leg over Typhoon’s head from the apron and chokes him against the ropes by having sex with Typhoon’s hair. Blake in now, going for Jericho’s post-shuffleyfeet body attack. Heenan: “You know, you can take Typhoon to a park and charge kids to ride him!” You certainly can. Especially now, if you promise him a fair cut. Or some Doritos. Tag to Beau. Blake front-facelocks Typhoon so Beau can go up top and double-axehandle him. Typhoon worked over in the corner. Blake chokes Typhoon in the corner as Beau discusses the various spellings of Victoria’s pet name for Steven with the referee. Now Blake is tagged in, and he gets a double-axehandle as Beau holds Typhoon. Blake into the ropes, diving headbutt and a cover. Vince: “That should do it!” Oh please. Typhoon kicks out at 2. Out of moves, Blake slaps on a front facelock. Typhoon easily powers into his corner for the tag, but the ref was distracted by Beau. This is like watching Money Inc vs LOD all over again, only the LOD are a lot bigger and a little shittier. Blake sets up another Beverlyizer, but Beau goes with a top-rope double axehandle instead. Beau is now in illegally with some kicks. Typhoon is on his back with his throat in the plane of the ropes, so Blake gets on the ropes and does some really faggoty gyrations to…in theory, drive the bottom rope into Typhoon’s throat. Beau tags Blake in, and they double-whip Typhoon into the buckle a few times. Heenan: “They’ve got a count of five to get out. Five for each man, I think.” Typhoon gets a double clothesline. “Race” for the tag is ironic when Typhoon is a racer. Blake blocks the tag, but for some idiotic reason he tries a crossbody and is caught. Beau missile dropkicks Blake’s back to put Typhoon in a pinning predicament, but Typhoon kicks out. Typhoon gets sick of it all and start no-selling Blake’s punches. Blake tries a leaping something, but gets pitched down. Earthquake gets distracted by Beau (idiot) and leaves the apron. The ref checks on them as Genius slips Blake the “metal scroll” (the Genius’s rather weak answer to Fuji’s cane and Jimmy Hart’s megaphone.) Scroll-shot connects, but by the time the ref is in position to count the fall, Earthquake has been in (the ref takes longer to get there than Earthquake, unfuckingbelievable) and given Blake a potentially fatal legdrop to the back of the head. Both legal men are dead, but Typhoon is practically in his own corner now. Vince: “All Typhoon has to do is sit up and tag his partner!” Heenan: “You’re asking a lot of him to do a sit-up.” If Mideo’s conjecture about his own fatness is true, the Natural Disasters must have been his favorite tag team. Blake tags in Beau, and…uh-oh, Typhoon tags in Quake. He punches Beau a few times, then beals him halfway across the ring. BELLY TO BELLY! Earthquake brought his working boots. Thumb-across-the-throat. Heenan: “Usually that means ‘extra pickles’ when he does that.” Earthquake does some shoulderblocks, then his goofy hopping chest kick. Blake comes in to try a double-team, but Earthquake gets a double clothesline. Blake gets tossed, and Typhoon is in for a double-team. Heenan: “It’s eight against one!” Earthquake Irish-whipped into Beau. Powerslam. Earthquake Vertical Splash. Blake elbowed off the apron, and Beau is squished flat for 3. Genius yaks on the apron, so her gets tossed in. And the Naturals (yeah they call them the Naturals, Naturals…) simply…toss him out again. Huh.

GENE GAARDERLUND talks to THE MANHASSET SHEEPFUCKERS. Wacky jokes about how the Bushwhackers are disgusting toothless freaks ensue. Oh hohoho, what would happen if they were invited to eat with the royals, we wonder? Butch: “And you know Cousin Luke, after we’ve had our royal meal, rumor has it, rumor has it Luke rumor has it, rumor has it that we may get to sit on the ROYAL THRONE!” Luke: “Hey Cousin Butch, did you bring something to read!?” These guys were an inspiration to John Cena, you know.

LIKE BATMAN’S BUTLER, ONLY A LORD now stands at a door on which a third-grader has taped a paper cut-out of his own rendition of the Warrior logo. Hayes opens the door, but it gets slammed on him. Hayes: “Well, I must say!” Hayes declares that a shocking and vulgar act of rudeness. There’s really no point in transcribing Hayes, I just love his delivery. “That was a shocking and vulgar act of rudeness” comes out exactly the same as “Mr Freeze freezer bars are as much fun to squeeze as they are to eat.”

Though he’s already in the ring, we hear a shocking amount of HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE, REPO MAN’s theme before DA CRUSHAAAAAAAAAA! is introduced. Repo sneak attacks, but Crush no-sells. Press-slam from Crush, after a few military presses. Crush poses. Heenan claims Repo weighs “280.” Crush clotheslines Repo on the outside. He tosses Repo back in, and does fake-fu kicks. Repo whipped to the ropes, goes for a crossbody and is laid across the top turnbuckles for punching and punt-kicking. Crush with a side-backbreaker. It breaks your side-back. Repo with a thumb to the eye, but he follows up by just sneaking around. There’s a back-suplex, at least, but Crush no-sells. Belly2belly by Crush, and this belongs on Prime Time Wrestling, not Summerslam. Crush with a rib-breaker. Crush goes up top (?) and misses a kneedrop. Great, Repo gets to have more punches no-sold. Crush has literally sold nothing but the eye-gouge. So…Repo eye-gouges him! Haha. Crush Papa-Shangoes, so Repo slams his face to the mat. It gets 2, but Repo does the “flying to the floor” sell of the kick-out. Repo goes up for THE STUPID, as Crush powerslams him. Crush with his retarded head-vice for the win. Vince: “Crush, a proponent of Ico-Pro! Ico-Pro, not just for Crush, for everybody who cares about their body! Even Mean Gene!” The original sensei of segue, though I question the wisdom of associating your fitness product with Mean Gene.

“WEIRD MEAN” GENE OKERLUND talks us into an excellent little video synopsis of the whole “Whose Corner Will Mr. Perfect Be In?” angle, managing not to write a billion paragraphs of text in the WV 15. We see Perfect calling Savage “the Macho Chicken,” we see Flair planting ideas in Warrior’s head, Perfect planting ideas in Macho’s head, and that Macho/Warrior tag match against the Nasty Boyz. Warrior is wearing a deeply disturbing outfit…a onesie that is airbrushed to look like his naked body, with Warrior logos covering up the naughty bits. In the actual match, the ref got bumped, so the Nasties tear Macho apart with the bike helmet while Perfect and Flair use a chair to destroy Warrior.

A little early for the World Title match, ain’t it? This is back in the days where you could tell if a heel was going to win the main because they’d rearrange the card so it wouldn’t be the last match. Tradition doesn’t blow yet, so challenger OH WARRIOR, COME OUT AND PLAAAAAAAY is out first. He has a Union Jack on his jacket. The Ultimate Suck-up. He is wearing a slightly less disturbing onsie that still basically consists of a fake naked body (it’s more like anatomical muscle this time) and strategically-placed Warrior logos. And here’s BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCHO in a jacket with an impossibly high tassel count. Paul London’s bringing tassels back, bitches. Savage also has apparently opaque sunglasses too. Vince is thrilled, because neither man has Perfect with them. Both men go for a face-off and plenty of goofy gestures without removing their coats. Macho wants a handshake. Warrior makes money signs, accusing Macho of selling out. Macho still wants the handshake. Warrior finally accepts, and there’s a big pop, but now Warrior pulls him into a staredown. Vince: “We’re not gonna see any scientific match-up here!” Amen. The crowd is rabid, by the way. Both men check the ropes. The fans chant for Warrior, whose trunks have an illegible message about “warrior” and “heart” on them. Lock-up, Macho forces him into the ropes, clean break. Lock-up, Warrior shoves Savage down and beats his chest. Randy throws a knee and gets a clothesline. Forearm from behind, and a cover gets less than 1. Macho goes up for a double-axehandle (!?) and gets nailed with a punch on the way down. Warrior with a delayed atomic drop. Warrior picks Savage up for a strolling spinebuster, but goes for an inverted atomic drop again. Vince: “Reverse piledriver!” So…that’s where Cole is getting it from! Warrior covers for 2. Warrior with a shoulderblock, another, and he misses an elbowdrop. Bunches o’ punches by Savage, and a kneedrop. The crowd seems to be favoring Warrior. He covers for 2. Macho chokeout, but Warrior counters quickly with a jawbreaker. Warrior pulls Savage up, and slams his face to the mat for 2. Warrior whips him to the corner, and pounds away with rights. Savage whipped to the other corner, and Warrior kicks away. Warrior pulls Savage into a short clothesline for 2. Savage pulls Warrior face-first into the buckles. Savage clotheslines Warrior to the floor, to boos. Savage slingshots himself to the floor, pitches Warrior back in, and covers. Psh. It gets 2, more than I thought it would. Savage goes up (Vince: “Climbing the Tower of London!”) for a double-axehandle. It connects, but fucking Warrior no-sells and starts shaking around. Savage goes back up, gets another double-axehandle, and this time Warrior goes down for 2. Savage up a third time, but Warrior catches him! He strolls around a bit, and finally goes for a ribbreaker. It gets 2. Warrior punches. Savage whipped to the buckle. Whipped to the other corner. Warrior wanders in and punches. Warrior sends Randy back to the first corner, and…back to the second corner. Christ Warrior, do a slam or something. Warrior whips Savage back to the first corner, then goes for a bearhug…but quickly slams him down and covers for 2. Warrior with a sideslam for 2. Warrior going for the press-slam, but Savage small packages him for 2. Warrior selling like he’s devastated (!?) before whipping Savage to the ropes. Papa Shango by Warrior, and Savage gets a very Shake, Rattle and Rollesque neckbreaker. The stupid Brits boo. Randy covers for 2. Randy signaling for a bulldog…no, he kinda bulldogs Warrior into the ropes while launching himself to the outside. He doesn’t hurt himself or anything, but it still looks silly. I guess Warrior was supposed to get hot-shotted, but he kind of didn’t. Savage covers for 2. Vince: “1, 2, 3! No!” Savage is selling the back, which Heenan screams about. Savage tries a suplex, but he can’t do it because of his back. Warrior sells the neck, oddly. Warrior clubbers Randy in the back, in a rare display of psychology. Warrior with a front facelock, now a suplex. Warrior covers for 2. Both men crawling around acting dead. Savage in the ropes, but he’s playing possum as Warrior charges in and gets sent to the floor. Savage goes up…double axehandle to the outside! Warrior rolls off of the little raised platform the ring is on. Savage pulls Warrior up and sends him into the stairs as Heenan complains that he should have gone back in and won a count-out. Savage instead breaks the count, then goes out and sends Warrior into the ringpost. Savage back in, and back out for some stomping. He tosses Warrior in and covers for 2. McMahon with more of his “it’s over no it’s not” schtick. Uh-oh, here come I RODE TO THE RING IN A BLACK OBELISK and THE WORLD’S GREATEST CHESS PLAYER, LIVING OR DEAD. If this was on free TV, they’d take an ad break, so let’s pretend.

Wow, I sure do want to buy BOD and not smoke now! Anyway, Savage tries a piledriver, Warrior tries to backdrop, but Savage turns it into a sunset flip for 2. Warrior clothesline Savage down for 2 as the OMG HEELS continue the long walk to the ring. Warrior with a scoop slam (it’s over!) on Savage. Warrior looking for the Warrior Splash, but Savage lifts the knees! Warrior sells the pain by rocking back and forth like a nut. Savage covers for 2. Perfect and Flair watching from ringside. Both men downed by a double-clothesline. Savage and Flair calmly discuss the match. Warrior slowly makes his way over to cover for 2. Now Savage covers Warrior for 2. Warrior stays down, so Savage hits the ropes, and…gets tripped by Perfect, who immediately turns around and acts like nothing happened. Hahaha. He’s got his hands in his tuxedo-jacket pockets, and if you could hear him he’d probably be whistling. Savage points at Perfect, makes title belt motions, and…gets attacked from behind by Warrior. The crowd is still cheering Warrior. Flair and Perfect discuss strategy some more. Warrior with a lifting-choke, into a slam. Savage pulled up, Warrior whips him into…the ref! Oops. Warrior with a scoop slam (it’s over!) and some wandering around. He goes up top, double-axehandle by Warrior! Shades of Randy Savage. The ref is slow to count, and Savage kicks out at 2. Warrior argues with the ref, Savage hits him from behind, and Warrior is knocked into the ref again. Piledriver by Savage! Vince does not call it a reverse inverted atomic drop. Savage goes outside to check on the ref, so Mr. Perfect goes into the ring and revives the Warrior. Pulling him up…into a full-nelson! Flair with some brass knuckles…and he nails Warrior! Savage missed it all, as he was helping the ref back in. Savage slams the Warrior down, and goes up top. Macho Elbow…connects! The ref is slow to count, and gets 2. Vince: “One! Two! Throoooooow!” Perfect and Flair have another pow-wow. Flair and Perfect on opposite sides of the ring now. Macho pounds on Warrior, but Warrior is shaking around. Flair has a chair. Warrior continues to no-sell Savage, drawing power from the ropes…he blocks Macho’s punch and starts clotheslining him a whole lot. Warrior with the flying shoulderblock! That’s the set-up for the gorilla press, you know. He signals for it. He’s going for it…he gets it! Running to the ropes for the Warrior Splash…Perfect tries and fails to trip him…the ref admonishes Perfect as the Warrior hits the ropes on the other side, and eats a big-ol’ chairshot by Flair! The fans boo LOUD for that. Randy is up, looking around blearily. He drags Warrior to the middle of the ring. He looks back and forth from Flair to Perfect. Vince explains it for us: Macho knows he was in trouble, and he knows he didn’t do anything to lay Warrior out, so it had to be Perfect or Flair. He kicks at Perfect between the ropes and gets a big face pop. But now he looks at Warrior, thinks it over, and decides to go up top anyway. The ref yells at Perfect as Macho stands up top, deep in thought. Well, deep in thought by Randy Savage standards, at least. He looks to the crowd…he looks at the camera and gives it a little “I’m just a sucker for these fans” look, and jumps down at Flair! Who…was waiting with a steel chair and whacks him on the way down. Right on the knee, apparently. Savage sells the knee as the ref (who missed everything) counts Savage out. And as the bell rings, Perfect literally dives in from screen left as Flair swoops in from screen right to attack. They waited for the ref to render a decision, then didn’t waste a fraction of a second’s worth of kicking Savage’s ass. Perfect does the no-chair version of the Pillmanizer. Flair slaps on the Figure-4, and Perfect wastes no time in circling over to start punching the helpless Savage in the face. Earl Hebner comes over and tells Perfect to stop, so Perfect fucking CLOCKS him. None of that “shove the ref aside until he waves to the back for help,” he just drops Hebner the first time Earl gets near him. The crowd, by the way, is PISSED. Perfect Pillmanizes Savage’s leg again. Flair has the chair, but Warrior grabs it from behind. Perfect and Flair run for the hills, and Warrior follows them halfway down the aisle before stopping to pound his chest psychotically. Savage back in the ring, clutching his knee. Warrior back in the ring, looking down on Warrior. Heenan speculates that Warrior is going to finish off Savage. The idiot crowd pops when Finkel announces Warrior the winner by count-out. Warrior goes outside and grabs the belt. Back in, and Heenan thinks Warrior’s gonna waffle him with it. Heenan: “Give it to me, I’ll whack him!” Warrior pulls Savage up and gives him his belt. As Warrior’s theme plays. Yuck. Savage falls down as soon as Warrior lets up, so Warrior lifts him and helps him to the back. Wow, this shot reveals that Warrior is really excited. His Warrior logo is about to poke out.

MEAN BY GAWD BREEN stands by with BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF TUPAC AND BIGGIE and SPUNKY YOUNGSTER RICKY FLAIR. Perfect reveals that getting either guy to sell out was Plan A, but they always had Plan B. Okerlund is called “divot-head.” Flair screams like a maniac about how he should have had the title, but now he will because Savage is dying to wrestle Flair. A lot of wooing occurs.

HOWARD THE DUCK sez, with some disdain, “At this time, allow me to introduce, Dr. Harvey Whippleman.” MR. WHOOPIE grabs the mic. “You take that sarcastic tone out of your voice when you introduce me, little man! Next time I’ll knock you out! About to be led down the ailse by Kim Chee, from the dark continent of Africa, to the bright lights of the World Wrestling Federation, the bright lights of Wembley Stadium, and the bright spotlight of Summerslam, I want everybody to show proper respect for the Lord of the Jungle, the Ugandan Giant, the Mighty Kamala!” RAW DIVA SEX GOD (w/HAK FU) waddles out in his wonderful mask, with his delightfully racist shield and spear. Bong. Vince: “Wait a minute, what’s this!?” BOY OH BOY IS MY LARYNX EVER HEALTHY walks out, but A YEAR OR SO OF DESTRUCTION is too damn lazy and rides standing on the back of a hearse. Heenan: “Look at that idiot! The steering wheel is on the wrong side!” Fan sign: “U R DOOMED.” Heenan: “Kamala’s hungry!” Hungry for DEATH. Vince says Kamala likes humans for dinner. Next, he will accuse Akio of eating dogs. Akio was so jealous of Al Snow. Kamala tries to attack, but Taker cuts him off with throat-thrusts. Vince: “Ooh-hoo! Yes!” Taker knocks Kamala back, then stalks around. As awful as Taker is now, his gimmick used to involve walking around like a zombie even more. Kamala tries a charge, but misses. Taker wrings the arm…HOT INNOVATIVE NEW SCHOOL MANUEVER! Kim Chee distracts Undertaker long enough for Kamala to…have Taker ignore his attack and throat-thrust him. Taker goes for NEW SCHOOL again, and this time Whippleman shakes the ropes and Kamala falls back and Taker gets sent down. Kamala clotheslines Taker to the floor, where Taker gets a goozle on both of Kamala’s Secretaries of Defense. I can’t exactly call them “Kamala’s Heavies.” That already refers to his man-boobs. Also known as “Star Star,” two-thirds of “Star Star Moon.” Kamala saves his boyz by attacking Taker from behind. He slams Taker’s face into the stairs, then chops and stuff. Headbutt. Kamala sends Taker back in and chops him a few times. Ugandan whip, but Taker ducks whatever and gets the chokeslam. It wasn’t his finisher though, so he simply stands up and adjusts his gloves. Death Valley whip, flying clothesline. Taker scoops Kamala up, and…Kim Chee delivers a pith-helmet shot! That’s a dairy queen. What a horrible, horrible payperview semi-main. I thought I remembered this as a casket match, so I guess Taker completely dominating and then only winning by DQ set up the casket match. Not that I’m angered that Kamala’s credibility was tarnished. Kamala gives Taker what I guess could one could think of as a savate kick to the back.And a chop. The bell rings some more. Heenan: “Kamala’s gonna think that’s the dinner bell!” Kamala does some short-range Ho Train Attacks. Scoop slam! It’s over! I don’t get that, by the way. Though I feel like I should. Kamala with a splash. Now a second rope splash. Whippleman sends him up top. Full-fledged Air Africa! Heenan: “We have seen the end of the Undertaker!” Oh, if only. The heels start to leave, but Taker does the zombie sit-up. Rose up like he…did. Kamala falls down in fear. Oh, hey, Paul Bearer is still here. Heenan, on Taker: “He moves at one speed!” He doesn’t slow down for nuthin’. Doesn’t speed up for nuthin’ either.

SEAN O’MOONEY, COME ON interviews BULLY BULLY, HO BABY. Basically, Bret and Davey are half-brothers, and the storyline is that in going after the Intercontinental title held by Bret, Davey is causing a rift between the Harts and the Smiths. Sean: “First of all, your thoughts on the family pressures you are facing now.” Davey: “Well I’m facing a lot of pressures, in the family Sean.” Benoit emulated Dynamite Kid’s moves and Davey Boy Smith’s micwork. “The British Bulldog has fought herd for two long years to be the number one contender.” John Herd? Oh, “hard.” Bulldog promises to win the title and bring the family back together.

MR. GENE BACKERLUND talks to BILLY BITCHCAKES about the upcoming match. Bret whines about what Bulldog said in his last interview, about how he introduced Bulldog to Diana, about how Bulldog owes his whole career to Bret Hart helping him get his foot in the door, etc. I had no intention of talking about Bret the Whiner, but here he is years before his first post-Hart Foundation heel run whining away like a greasy-haired bitch.

The Balborough Highlanders come out and play “Scotland the Brave” on the bagpipes. And shock beyond shock, here’s J.J. QUARK to “play” along with them. He may or may not really be playing, but I kind of doubt it because he’s moving his head a lot for someone trying to play an instrument with a reed.

PROTO-COLE talks to DIRTY DIANA, OW. She’s…barely coherent, which makes sense if you’ve read her book. Well, I read a review of it once. She rambles on about being on “the front line” before Mooney cuts her off.

Out first, because tradition doesn’t blow yet, is the challenger. THERE’S THE FRESNO STATE BULLDOG RIGHT THERE WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF (w/…HOLY SHIT, IS THAT LENNOX LEWIS? ) come out. Lennox Lewis is carrying the Union Jack. Finkel: “Led by a gentleman hoisting the Union Jack high, showing his support!” Yeah, we get it, Howard. And it is indeed Lennox Lewis, who was “Commonwealth Champion” at this point. Watch out, Canadian boxers! Heenan, on Bulldog: “You think he’s got butterflies in his stomach right now?” Vince: “Yeah, maybe more than that!” Heenan: “Maybe bats!” But here comes BRET “THE SHITMAN” FART to a mixed reaction. I love that nickname. It was a running EIW joke. Along with “Dick Flair YOU SUCK.” Close your mouth, Diana. Heenan accuses Diana of gold-bricking. IC gold-bricking. Vince claims Bret is just as popular as Davey Boy, because he has this issue with recognizing when the guy he has selected as the babyface is not universally loved. Hence Shawn Michaels being shoved down Canada’s throat on every tour up north. The bell rings, and Bret makes out with the title. Kissing it goodbye, Heenan says. Bret gives his greasy shades to some kid in a Hitman shirt. It takes the kid a minute to realize Bret wants a high-five, because the shades have blinded him. Circling to start, then a staredown. Little shove from Bret, big shove from Bulldog. More circling, lockup. Bulldog shoves Bret into the corner. Heenan, God bless him: “I’m sick and tired of hearing about families being torn apart!” Vince: “Really?” “Yeah, that’s what it’s all about, winning the belt and getting all that money! Who cares about your family! They don’t do nothing for you except come to your house at Thanksgiving and try to mooch a meal!” Bret shoves Bulldog into the ropes to escape a headlock, and a runnedy-around and leapfrog session ends with Bulldog shoulderblocking Bret to the floor. Bulldog moves a beaded dreadlock out of the way. Heenan: “I don’t know why he let’s Whoopee Goldberg do his hair.” Bret back in. Vince: “A lesser man would have been counted out after that!” It was a fucking shoulderblock, McMahon. Some asshole with an airhorn starts blowing a fight song he will continue to blow during the entire fucking match. Go get him, EvilJon. Headlock takedown by Bret, Bulldog turns it into a headscissors, and Bret escapes. Bret with a headlock takedown again, and this time he maneuvers his head to avoid Bulldog’s attempted headscissors. Bulldog fights out and tries a press-slam, but Bret slips out and rolls him up for 2. Small package by Bret for 2, and another headlock takeover. Bulldog slips out and applies a hammerlock. He throws in a few knees for good measure. Bret elbows out, to loud boos. Armbar by Bret. He yanks on it some. Bulldog does the flippity Owen counter, and gets his own armbar. Bret sends Bulldog into the ropes, but his leapfrog is caught! Bulldog drops him and monkey-flips him instead of spinebustering the fuck out of him like he should have. Davey Boy puts on an armbar, then pitches Bret up and slams him while the armbar is still applied. Bret gets up, sends Bulldog to the ropes, and gets crucifixed for a long 2. Bulldog right back to the armbar. The crowd is insanely into this. Bret with a scoop slam (it’s over) but Bulldog rolls through and maintains his armbar. Or is it a wristlock? Whatever it is, I remember the finish, and it doesn’t involve Bret’s wrist especially. Bret sends Bulldog to the ropes again, and finally wins one of those exchanges with a hard knee to the gut. Stomp to the midsection. Vince and Heenan make “pound” jokes. Heenan: “This is a foreign country, nobody here speaks English!” Well, they weren’t all gems. Most of them weren’t, actually. Ninja chokeout by Bret, but Bulldog gets to his feet. Bulldog elbows out, but hits the ropes and runs right into a back-elbow. Bret drops an elbow. Inverted atomic drop (Vince: “Reverse piledriver!” No.) by Bret. He sends Davey to the ropes, Davey tries a crucifix, but Bret is ready after last time and falls backwards to slam Davey into the mat. Bret with a Ninja chokeout. Heenan reminds us that Bret doesn’t need to win, and can maintain this hold for an hour and retain. Don’t encourage him, Bobby. Davey gets back to his feet, sends Bret to the ropes, and…gets shoulderblocked. Bulldog leapfrogs something, and catches Bret with a monkeyflip. Bulldog with a headbutt. He tosses Bret into the corner, then tosses him into the other corner, but charges into his boot. Bret with a bulldog. Heenan: “The Bulldog just got bulldogged!” IRONY. FIVE MOVES OF DOO…no, Bret was climbing up for the elbow, but he gets slammed off the top, Flair style. Bulldog goes up, but Bret rolls clear of a kneedrop. Not the stupid as it actually would have hit. Bret slams Davey’s face into the mat, then scoops him up for…no, Bulldog escapes, and…he drives Bret towards the ropes, but Bret bails and Davey is sent flying out between the middle and top ropes. The crowd boos Bret pretty loudly. Vince faces the fact that the London crowd will root for the guy who has the British flag all over his costume. That was a big step for Vince. It deserves a paragraph break.

Welcome back! Bret…with a plancha! Hahaha. Los Hitman. It actually came out as kind of a flying snap-mare to the floor. Bret slams Bulldog’s back against the post, being the family-centered technical wrestler he is. Bret sends Bulldog back in. Bulldog whipped into the corner. Bret clubbers him down on the rebound. Side-Russian Legsweep (Vince: “Neckbreaker!”) by Bret for 2. European uppercuts by Bret. Standing dropkick. Bulldog sent to the ropes, and backdropped. Vince pimps a Lennox Lewis “Razor” Rudduck fight. Heenan: “Razor Ramon is fighting Lennox Lewis!” Huh, I thought Ramon debuted like, a week after this show. Bret covers for 2 off the backdrop. Ninja chokeout. Bret breaks it and goes for a snap suplex for 2. Back to the Ninja chokeout. Bret throws a punch, but Bulldog ducks and backslides him for 2. There’s Diana again. Bret with a backdrop for Davey. Check out the whistle. I guess Bill Alphonso was in attendance. Bret goes for the second rope elbow. Vince is convinced that will end it (bear in mind that has never won a match.) Bret with a flagrant and unnecessary hairpull slam. Heenan: “He won’t do that to Bret Hart. There’s too much grease to hold on!” Snapmare by Bret, followed by a brief Ninja chokeout. Bulldog misses a punch, and Bret snags a sleeper. Bulldog down to both knees, but he reaches the ropes. Bret doesn’t release at 5, so the ref starts the count over. Bret stomps. Bret sends Bulldog to the ropes and snags another sleeper. A split-screen shows Diana smiling for some reason. Bulldog fights up to his feet, and rams Bret into the corner. But…Bret goes right back to the hold. Bulldog powers up and rams him into the corner again! Slugfest. Bulldog reverses a whip, and goes for a presslam…Bret tries to fight it and gets dumped into the ropes. Partially crotched, though pretty much everything got banged as he worked his way through all three ropes. Heenan: “Looks like Diana Hart’s gonna have a new sister.” Those ropes surgically implant female reproductive organs. And Bret will be PMS all the time. Bulldog clotheslines Bret. And again. A third time, and the crowd is pumped. Bulldog covers for 2. Press-slam for 2. Suplex…delayed suplex. Almost ten seconds. A cover gets 2. Bret whipped HARD to the buckle. Again. Vince: “That’ll do it for sure! No one survives two!” Somehow, Bret kicks out. Bulldog scoops Bret up…strolling powerslam! That’s his move, Tony! It only gets 2! Davey Boy can’t believe it. Bret is out of it on the apron, so Bulldog paintbrushes him. Bulldog tries to suplex him back in, but Bret gets behind him…German with bridge! It gets a loooong 2. The German suplex with bridge was not exactly a commonly used move back then. They fight over a suplex, and Bulldog eventually dumps Bret up top. Superplex? Fuck yeah. And not some wussy one where Bulldog was on the second rope, this was both guys up top. Bulldog covers. Vince: “One! Two! Yeoooooooooh!” Bret reverses a whip, ducks something…double clothesline! Naptime. They’re lying next to each other…BRET APPLIES THE SHARPSHOOTER WHILE LYING DOWN. He turns it over and sits down on it. Bulldog fights for the ropes…realistically, instead of just not moving for a minute, then suddenly realizing he can reach the ropes. Bret punches away, Bulldog reverses a whip, sunset flip by Bret…Bulldog leans forward into a pinning position…and gets 3! I always thought that outta nowhere ending that soon after the Sharpshooter was too abrupt. But I’m being a smark. Bret just lies there, not out, just shocked and pissed. Bulldog’s music isn’t playing yet. I sense the families coming back together! Bulldog tries to help Bret up, but Bret gets up on his own. Offering the handshake is Davey, but Bret goes to leave, and gets booed. He teases leaving again, to more boos. Finally Bret accepts the handshake, and there’s a manly hug. HIT THE MUSIC! The crowd is dead tired from cheering like mad, but manage to bring it up a bit louder. That somehow felt bigger than Eugene and Regal beating La Resistance. Diana in the ring too. In her Pocohotness jacket I failed to comment on earlier. There’s some pyro. Fireworks. Man, that felt like, a big event or something.

Shockingly, no Coliseum Video exclusives to close this out.

Final Thoughts: Yeah, so, my memory of the Warrior/Savage match was tinted a bit by nostalgia. So what? It was still an awesome match by Warrior’s standards, and the crowd was insanely hot for everything. As hot as Batista is right now, this year’s Wrestlemania won’t please the fans like that year’s Summerslam. Of course this Summerslam built up to Wrestlemania 9, the most reviled of all, but hey. Hey, I said.

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