I currently work for the federal government. I'm not telling you because I think it makes me cool or whatever (there are, of course, plenty of "powerless cog in the machine" jobs in the federal government.) I'm telling you this because...I'd never looked up weeklyvisitor.com on my work computer at this job before, but I did it this week to see if Sofa had had a chance to upload Part 1 of this rebeak yet. The Onion is accessible (I read it every day during lunch) but Weekly Visitor was blocked. Why? Officially, WV is classified as a "malicious website" by the federal government's screening software. That's right, this website is an enemy of America. After this rebeak is done, I'm going to make a poster of the WV logo with a Hitler moustache added.

I'll have to check and see if tcrcomix.com is an enemy of America. A foreign combatant, at least. I remember Al Creed being rightfully excited when he learned that Chinese citizens are blocked from his website.

*

8. TAZ AND DEAN MALENKO CONFRONTATION

Alright readers, are you ready for an extreme, hardcore...NON-MATCH CONFRONTATION!?!? DEAN MALENKO is in the ring, where he apparently just pinned some mildly tubby dude in red tights. Some guy, probably JASON, is on the apron. Malenko is kind of...lounging sexfully over his fallen foe. Joey Styles now marking out for some music I can barely hear, and unsurprisingly it turns out to be the theme of the TAZMANIAC. Tazmaniac has switched from a black caveman singlet with orange fur to an orange caveman singlet with black fur. He's also lost the facepaint, though that probably happened several matches ago and I just never noticed. Tazmaniac is also visibly signaling for the fans to make some noise, rather than jumping in place once. I'm thinking he probably just gradually stopped being a savage rather than there being a storyline explanation. The guy who played Eugene the Retard could have had a career if the WWE wasn't obsessed with carefully crafted explanations of things like, say, a Quebec-sympathizer suddenly becoming a gay gigolo.

Malenko with a go-behind on Taz, but Taz goes behind Malenko, and Malenko just mule kicks him right in the nuts. That is so awesome. I've always liked Malenko, but after years of hearing everyone going on about how he was this great technical wrestler (well, everyone who ever talks about Malenko at all,) I'm glad the first move he pulled here was a low-blow. Malenko goes off the ropes and tries for a clothesline, but runs into a collar-and-T-bone-or-whatever-its-really-called-Tazmaniacplex. Now Taz sends Malenko into the ropes and Papa Shangos, as is his wont. And rather than trying to somersault over him but fucking up and landing on his face (like Sabu) or just sort of vaguely clubbing at him (like Sandman would have had a Papa Shango popped up in that match,) Deano puts on the breaks and gives Tazmaniac a setup kick before a MOTHERFUCKING TIGERBOMB BITCHES~!! Then he rolls onto his shoulders and kicks his feet into the air and does a sort of inverted version of the kip-up. It's sort of a, for lack of a better term, heterosexual kip-up. Taz is up but dazed. Malenko chooses to look back and forth at the crowd in smug awesomeness (what the fuck, did Malenko have some sort of accident after this in which he lost his personality?) and fails to capitalize. By the time he charges, Taz is ready and catches him with a Fall-Away Slam. It's sort of underwhelming after a Tigerbomb, though. Styles calls the Fall-Away Slam a "Fall-Away Suplex," which is ok I suppose, though by this point in Taz' career anything that is even vaguely like throwing will get "suplex" tagged on. A body slam becomes a "over the shoulder to the mat suplex." I think he could punch somebody and Style's would call it a "clenched-fist suplex" because he is throwing a clenched-fist. Am I being funny or smarky? Why not neither?

Next we get some clothesline-ducking, go-behinding, countering-action that ends with Deano giving Taz a release Northern Lights suplex. Styles: "Belly to back, belly to belly!" And he don't give a damn cause he's stone dead already. Next its Taz' turn to snag Dean with...I think that's called a Trap Suplex. Where you belly2belly a guy, but you're squeezing his arms within your grip rather than letting them flail free? Anyway, RANDOM JOBBERS now appear to break it up, and something about the slow, disinterested way they do it really takes me out of this. For an "impromptu brawl," it had a remarkably methodical pace. What I mean is they seemed to pace around feeling each other out a bit, and it felt more like a proper "match" than any of the matches so far (which all felt like random, impromptu fights, which was exactly what this was supposed to be.) Eh, maybe it's just me. No...wait, I wound it back and watched it again without all the pausing to transcrible (I mean shit, it was about 90 seconds long.) The REAL issue is that it wasn't an impromptu brawl. They actually, you know, wrestled. Every punch or clothesline attempt was countered into a suplex. The only kicks to connect were that one mule-kick and a setup kick for the Tigerbomb (muthafucka.) The all-punches-being-countered thing reminded me of whichever WCW/nWo game Super Asia and I played where all moves were counterable, but Benoit's punch-counter ended up with his opponent in a pinning predicament. I mean they always kicked out, but it was still pretty hilarious to have a punch countered into a pin like twenty times a match.

Ok, so now Joey Styles is just going on and on and on about how this confrontation proves ECW is a million times better than the Big Two. "I haven't seen this much action on a payperview in two years, and we did it in ninety seconds!" This was back when ECW was first pushing people who could do more than brawl, and they weren't subtle with their "its hip to dig ECW" message. Styles: "The Shooter wants the Taz, the Taz wants the Shooter! We want the Taz versus the Shooter!" Styles too has a lil' bit of the Tamaran in him. At this point, the jobbers have long since gotten Deano out of there, and Taz has been stomping around in the ring acting intense for longer than the sort-of-quasi-match went on. And now Taz is chasing some photographer from Pro-Wrestling Illustrated around. They do a bit where Taz throws a chair at the guy, and he catches it and throws it down in panic. Two laps around the ring in case you didn't know this is an OMG WORK. At this point you know that if they haven't cut away yet in an RF Video (where they cut away from the post-Taz/Sully versus Public Enemy thing so abruptly that I thought we missed a break-up angle) then something must be coming. And sure enough...

Dean sneak attacks Tazmaniac (who was still chasing the Pro-Wrestling Illustrated guy) and...gets two clubbering forearms before it's broken up again. Well, not exactly the barn-burner the first half of that was, but what can you do? I score it...

TAZMANIAC – 4 SABU – 2½ EVERYONE ELSE – 1½

A confrontation means as much as a match per RF Video, and who am I to argue? A draw means half a point each for Tazmaniac and Everyone Else.

I found a version of the "Dean Malenko as 007" Titantron on Youtube, though for some reason it had the R4dicals music. For your edification, this is the actual wording from the supremely awesome Deano entrance movie:

Magnificent
Marousing
Maloveable
Malexciting
Malenotorious
Malenkinky
Malenkoutstanding

Styles is basically having an orgasm as he describes how intense it will be when these two finally go one on one in a sanctioned match, so of course we cut to...

*

9. TAZ VS. CHRIS BENOIT

TAZMANIAC is halfway to fully evolving into Taz now (if this were Pokemon Red/Blue you could hit a button to cancel) as he has a black singlet with "TAZ" written in orange on his butt, but it still has caveman fringe. CHRIS BENOIT is wearing white trunks with airbrushed paintings of Pegasuses (Pegasi?) on them and it's as gay as all get-out (of the closet.) I'm guessing if he went all-out and wore the Pegasus Kid mask he couldn't possibly look gayer than he does here. This would have been a meeting of two of the biggest smark darlings of the day (unless Benoit doesn't become a smark darling until after tapes of this match and a few others got around.) Being such a historic confrontation, it's only natural that Joey Styles is talking about Tommy Cairo attacking Mikey Whipwreck earlier in the show.

Benoit tries for a side-headlock, but Taz pitches him off into the air and onto the mat. Benoit stays down on one knee for a second, selling surprise, rethinking his strategy, using psychology. Some Fan: "Come on, git up!" Now Benoit tries the same hold. Little Kid: "SUPLEX HIS ASS!" Taz pitches him off again, and the timing totally made it look like it was that little kid's idea. Like he's playing as Taz in a really realistic video game. No, duh, what am I thinking? The kid obviously has Tazmaniac's jewel and can control him. Benoit now backs Taz into the corner and gives him some chops (that elicit no woos,) but Taz reverses a corner whip and kills Benoit with a trap/belly2belly suplex. Taz stomps Benoit, then pulls him up and sends him into the ropes. Benoit slides between his legs on the rebound, then...just stands there and gets kicked by Taz. Taz setting him up for an electric chair drop, but Benoit squirms free and turns it into pinning predicament. It gets 2. Benoit with a nice dropkick to send Taz outside, and then he gets a baseball slide dropkick on Taz. Nice to see him getting some offense. Taz is back up instantly. Benoit tries another baseball slide dropkick, but Taz ducks, and Benoit...turns his back and starts posing for the crowd. Wow. Not like, muscle poses or anything, he's just sort of pointing in the air and making a point of stupidly not noticing Taz. Whom he hasn't really hurt at all yet. Taz comes in and German suplexes him to death. Benoit rolls outside, and Taz follows.

EXTREME outside action means a new paragraph. Taz slams Benoit against the steel steps...and wow, those are some really tiny steel steps. They're actually a little stainless steel two-step ladder. Adorable. Taz throws Benoit into the barricade a few times, then hits him with a folding chair as Joey Styles tells us even great technical matches "get ugly" in ECW. Oh, and at some point between Part 1 and Part 2 of this rebeak, the E started meaning "Extreme" as Styles just said the actual proper name of the promotion. Benoit fights back in the crowd with some chairshots of his own. Benoit tries punches; Taz tries a headbutt. Back at ringside without actually getting in the ring, Taz gives Benoit a belly2belly. It's not the first time this has happened in this collection, but with two guys who are normally as convincing as Taz and Benoit, it's really weird the way two guys in an EXTREME brawl will occasionally stop trading punches and carefully cross the barricade together, only to resume punching once they are safely across. Taz telegraphs ramming Benoit into the ringpost for forever, and Benoit pretty much has to reverse it so they don't just look silly. Taz into the ringpost again. Both men back in the ring, where Benoit stomps. He sets Taz up top, then goes for a nice superplex. Styles: "That should be all!" Squirrel plz. Sigh...that joke was still pretty current two years ago. Styles starts speculating as to how Taz might cope with a loss to Benoit before his big match with the Shooter...man, Benoit was still below Dean on the marquee at this point! I still tend to think of poor Dean as the R4dical the WWE took because they wanted Chris and Eddie. I think Saturn snuck in when no one was paying attention. Anyways, of course Taz kicks out of the superplex and the match continues. Benoit gets a scoop and a slam, then applies a Boston Crab. Styles says we're going to commercial break.

Commercials. The Hollywood Stuntmen have all the frickin'...

BUTWAIT, Styles says we're not going to commercials. It's actually pretty funny, he does this incredibly lame bit where he acts like he's arguing with an unheard producer about how they can't just wave a break, but wait, they will because ECW is committed to showing you this match in it's entirety (not like the other promotions who blah blah blah.) It's extra funny because this is all during a REST HOLD. Benoit releases the Boston Crab because he has to know nobody came to an ECW show to see that. Benoit sends Taz into...someplace the camera can't see. It's just a rope whip, and he catches him with a clothesline on the rebound. And covers for 2. Benoit tries the same thing again, but this time he gets collarandTboneTazmaniacplexed. Whaddya mean that isn't a word, spellcheck? Huh, spellcheck isn't a word either. Taz covers, but Benoit gets a foot on the ropes. Now Taz going for...the Code Red armbar? Make that a Code Orange. And it's arm-BAR, in honor of Dean. The ref breaks it up for some reason. Taz punches his way back into control for a moment. Snap vertical suplex by Benoit, but Taz gets a foot on the rope. Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that in Golden Age ECW you could hit guys with chairs and wander around outside the ring all you wanted, but rope breaks were strictly enforced? Benoit sends Tazmaniac into the ropes and back elbows him. Reaching down to...oops, he collapses holding his crotch, and the camera seems to have missed a Taz low-blow. One male fan in particular reacts to this with an enthusiastic "Ye-AAAH!" Benoit is still suffering, but trying to make the ref aware by doing a sort of one-handed DX crotch chop while yelling "low blow!" Benoit: "Low blow! Low blow! C'mon, low blow!" Now it sort of sounds like he wants Taz to do another one. Maybe he was the guy who went, "Ye-AAAH!"

Taz pulls Benoit up for a headbutt. Now they get down on the mat, and I think Taz is biting Benoit but Benoit rakes his eyes. Some fan: "BO-RING! BO-RING!" Yes ladies and gentlemen, those great ECW fans with their respect for the wrestlers. Pardon me if I sound smarky; I'm just trying to make jokes since play-by-play is a bit dull. And Styles' habit of going into hyperbolic ECW-shill mode anytime there's a break in the action has gotten old. Benoit and Taz up, and Benoit punches. And...again. I'm sort of leaning towards agreeing with that fan who tried to start a "boring" chant. And suddenly, as though he knew that some bored guy rebeaking for a long defunct website would start bitching about this match years after his death, Benoit pulls out a really fucking crisp powerbomb, then leans forward into a cover for 2. Benoit seems shocked that Taz kicked out, and as a result eats another collarandTboneTazmaniacplex. Some little kid, probably the same one from before, yells, "COVER HIM! COVER HIM TAZ!" Stevie Richards should never have taken his eye off of that magical control jewel, because Taz does cover. Benoit gets a shoulder out at 2. Taz pulls him up, but Benoit punches him, slams him down hard, then quickly goes to the second turnbuckle and drops a leg for 2.

Ring announcer dude: "One minute remains in this match, one minute!" One minute and dey outta heah. Please tell me this is going to be ECW teasing us with a shitty "WWE/WCW main event non-ending" before proving they would never do that by providing a clean and conclusive ending. Benoit tries for a German, but his own French-sounding name prevents it and Taz goes-behind for a German with bridge of his own. Ein Deutsch mit Bruecke. It gets zwei. Benoit up first, with a scoop and a slam as the announcer tells us thirty seconds are left. Wait, it was one minute left about...ten seconds ago! Benoit goes up top for the Harley Race Memorial Headbutt (though Harley is alive and Benoit isn't...go figure.) It connects, and Styles' voice cracks spectacularly when Taz kicks out at 2. Benoit goes up again, but Taz pops up and punches him while he's still on the top turnbuckle. I could swear he was trying to set up the Muscle Buster here. That one kid: "FINISH HIM TAZ!" A young Shao Khan. Taz going for a Northern Lights Superplex, and...oh JESUS. The ref counts with both men's shoulders down (which Styles insists on pointing out even as the ref counts) and then the "time's up" bell rings as the ref's counts 2...just blah. Styles: "Until next week, keep it...TAZ AND SABU!" Because RF Video cut to the start of the next match.

As crazy as this sounds, now I do sort of want to know who won. I'm going to assume that it was Dusty Rhodes, but by DQ when the first ref was knocked out so Flair retains the title.

That was my old, old smark "shitty rip-off ending" joke.

TAZMANIAC – 4½ SABU – 2½ EVERYONE ELSE – 2

I'm assuming that was a draw and awarding half a point each to Taz and Everyone Else.

That match was sort of disappointing, but only because you expect so much from those two. Taz had better matches on this very DVD, and we all know what Benoit was capable of.

I can't believe I went for that joke.

*

10. TAZ & SABU VS. MALENKO BROTHERS

There's this, three more Taz vs. Somebody matches, and one more Taz & Sabu as a tag team match left to go. Taz & Sabu must go 1 for 2 in the tag matches if we want everyone to have a final score that is also an integer.

Previously on this rebeak, Joey Styles yelled: "TAZ AND SABU!" He's talking about the way TAZMANIAC AND SABU are attacking THE MALENKO BROTHERS before the Malenko Brothers have even had a chance to remove the Ronnie Garvinesque towels they wear around their necks. I mean their towels are like Ronnie Garvin's towel; they aren't like Ronnie Garvin himself. The famous towel-chasing Malenko Brothers. Sabu is wearing his Hulkamaniac colors (red Hammer pants with adorable yellow booties and a yellow Middle Eastern...cummerbund...thing.) Taz doesn't have any orange on, oddly enough, though his skin looks sort of orangish in this footage. Sabu attacks Joe Malenko while Taz goes after his archrival Dean (and before anyone gets too excited, this is as close to that one-on-one Taz vs. Deano match as we get on this DVD.) Broadway Joe gets tossed as Taz biels Deano using his own towel. Now Sabu gets the towel, and Taz Tasmania-whips Dean at Sabu who...chokes him with the towel. I thought he was gonna twist it and then swat him on the rumpus with it, that woulda ruled. Styles: "He who lives by the towel, dies by the towel!" Taz T-bone suplexes Dean, who rolls to the outside. Joe Piscamalenko back in, but he quickly eats a double-team flapjack (sucka) and is also forced to flee to the floor.

Joey Styles points out that Sabu is wearing a neck brace (which I had somehow missed) as the faces (a homicidal maniac from the mysterious East and some savage caveman savage) chase the heels (two brothers who each have a towel) on the floor. Styles (who made me happy with that "die by the towel" line) immediately gets back on my bad side by talking about how Sabu is an ECW star and too tough to go down to injury unlike those wimps in...and then he just starts naming every sport he can think of. Because yes, ECW is now not just infinitely superior to WWE and WCW, it is better than, for example, "auto racing." The Malenkos take over with the "let them chase you into the ring but stomp the shit out of them as they slide in behind you" trick. Dean chokes Taz as Joe clubbers Sabu. Nice, goofy throat-thrust by Joe to Sabu's EXTREME-ly injured neck. Now Joe does a Papa Shango that Papa Shango himself would be proud of (he's ducking down ready to get countered before Sabu even gets to the ropes) even though Papa Boris would probably not approve. Sabu counters like he always does (though he doesn't land on his face this time) and then jumpy-kicks Joe out of the ring. Now he follows up with a really dangerous-looking plancha to the floor. The fans pop for that, and here I am wondering why he didn't try to help Taz (whom Deano has been choking and stomping this whole time.)

Dean gives Taz not one but TWO snap-mares before dropkicking him in the back of the head like a complete dick. Styles: "I have never seen that before! Leave it to the Shooter to create offense like nobody else!" Is that true? If Malenko really did invent that, then he invented one of the truly great "I am such a dick" moves in all of pro-wrestling. Dean carefully adjusting his tights and kneepads now...it would be years before he mastered the art of constantly adjusting his wrist-tape. Dean has the Tazmaniac in a Fireman's Carry...BANANASLAM! Wow, that was pretty sweet. That's a roll-through slam for anyone who wasn't here when Batista was good. Check the glossary if you want to know what a Papa Shango is.

Meanwhile outside of the ring, somebody (and I doubt it's Joe) is carrying around a table. Sabu lies the folded-up table against the security railing, lays Joe on it, then gets a chair and heads into the ring. Just when it looks like Dean might object to his brother's murder and turn this into a tag match instead of two independent singles matches, Taz starts punching him. Sabu is setting the chair up in the ring. Styles: "911 holding Joe Malenko in place, PAUL E cheerleading." He doesn't actually say either name bold-faced. Sabu uses the chair to do a triple-jump diving attack, and HAHAHAHA Joe Malenko runs as soon as 911 lets go to get clear, and Sabu puts himself through the table. It looked fucking awesome, but also completely pointless and ridiculous. Taz is wailing on Deano with a chair, and with Joe nowhere to be found I'm thinking I wasn't supposed to see him escape that table-spot and he was probably supposed to get hit! Dean kicks his way back. Dean and Taz trade shots until Dean misses something that opens him up to a gutwrench suplex. And...I guess Joe was meant to escape, because he's tossing Sabu back in. Dean responds to being devastated by the gutwrench suplex by casually going after Sabu. Taz responds to this by casually going after Joe Malenko.

New dance partners, new paragraph. Dean does his apparently brand-new "snap-mare a guy and then dropkick him in the back of the head" spot as Joe flails goofily at Taz. I'm starting to see why Dean had reasonably successful runs in both WCW and WWE while Joe pretty much went to the Farplane after ECW. Joe eventually tries to ram Taz' head into the top turnbuckle, but Taz no-sells and belly2bellies him. Now Sabu counters a Deano piledriver attempt with a back body drop. Dean shrugs this off and tries to set up a superplex, but Taz (who just tossed Joe) sneaks up behind Dean and gets under him so Dean ends up sitting on his shoulders. Sabu resists the urge to get extra flippity and weird and does a regular Doomsday Device. Styles: "Dean Malenko, appears to be doomed!" You shoulda yelled that during his date with Lita hahaha HEYO! I thought that was gonna be it, but Dean pops back up instantly and sends Taz to the ropes. And now Taz evades Dean's big "evade this and suplex me" forearm shot and suplexes him. To be fair, it's a fucking monstrous release dragon suplex that drops Dean right on his head and looks like it could have killed him. Styles: "TAZPLEX!" Wait, is there an official Tazplex? Anyway, that gets 3. Rightfully so, Dean has to be dead. Any memories you may have of Dean doing things after this, be it dressing like Ciclope or double-dating with Lita, they're all lies. False memories. Shades of Dark City.

TAZMANIAC – 5 SABU – 3 EVERYONE ELSE – 2

Paul E now comes into the ring for no reason, but Jason attacks him and stomps, which seems stupid because 911 is RIGHT THERE. Nevertheless, Joey Styles freaks the fuck out when 911 grabs Jason by the neck like, one tenth of a second into the stompfest. THE PITBULLS are instantly there (how do all these guys waiting to run in not trip over each other outside of the ring?) but 911 calmly releases Jason and double-goozles them. And neither fight back one little bit because the chokeslam was fucking death back then. Ludicrously over. 911 pulls off the double chokeslam, proving conclusively that he was supposed to get chaired by Mr. Hughes before for the sake of the match, and not because he couldn't have double chokeslammed Chad "Fat Cat" Austin and the Rockin' Rebel. 911 chases the Pitbulls to the back as Taz, Sabu and the Malenkos starts fighting in the ring again because nobody gives a shit that the official match ended. PUBLIC ENEMY run in and sweet Jesus, did every match on Hardcore TV end with the entire roster running in? Sorry to be so smarky, I haven't had many chances over the past two years. Soon the Malenkos are double-teaming Taz and the Public Enemy are double-teaming Sabu. One double-team consists of the double-teamors giving the double-teamee simultaneous submission holds stretching the victim to their limit, while the other doubleteam consists of two guys doing clubbing forearms. Guess which is which? Sabu is whipped into the ropes, ducks a super-lame double clothesline attempt by Public Enemy, and gets them with an Asai moonsault. Sabu scoops and slams a Public Enemy of some sort, then gives him a flippity splash move as the Malenkos continue to stretch Taz. Sabu tries to do the exact same thing to the other Public Enemy (never stopping to help Tazmaniac, mind you) but this time his intended victim gets the knees up. Uh-oh...

Now Public Enemy give Sabu a doubleteam...per Joey Styles, "stuff piledriver" that is apparently guaranteed to kill Sabu because of his broken freakin' neck. Paul E tries to save with the cell phone and nails Grunge, but Flyboy Rocco Rock punches Paul E out. And then, hilariously, starts doing a "churnin' the butter" dance. Grunge brings in a table, Paul E is put on it (!?!?) and then Rocco goes up top and does a moonsault, putting Paul E through the table. Grunge scoops Sabu up and drops him throat-first across the top rope. Styles, on commentary, basically predicts that every babyface involved in this match is now dead. The Malenkos pull Tazmaniac up "to make him watch," and while they're basically just (part 2 of) kinda holding him up now, Styles acts like they're holding him up and devastating him at the same time. Public Enemy now put Sabu on a table. Rocco goes up and does his little dance again, then does a forward-flip splash and puts Sabu through the table. Really fucking dangerous, and really fucking cool. Grunge celebrates by pumping his fist in glory. Just what did he bring to the team again? Now Taz, with (per Styles) "almost superhuman strength," manages to push off the Malenkos, who just fall out of the ring hilariously. Tazmaniac fights off Public Enemy by punching each of them ONCE, thus clearing the ring a little too late.

Joey Styles tells us the Public Enemy "have committed a capital crime!" We get the "ECW Distributed by Stonecutter Media Ltd, Copyright 1994 Extreme Championship Wrestling" graphic. It makes me feel very, very old. But it also makes me know this is only the beginning, and the epic feud between the team of Tazmaniac and Sabu and the Public Enemy must needs be resolved! So without further adieu, we cut to...

*

11. TAZ VS. AL SNOW

AL SNOW, looking very young and very greasy, is wearing the plainest, boringest grey panties you can imagine. A picture of a gun would help so very, very much. From the quality of the camera work, I'm guessing this is from some fan's camcorder, though the DVD packing doesn't say "raw footage" on this one. Al dickishly patting the ref on the cheek as some fan screams, "Who is that punk!?" CM Punk must be in the crowd selling Pepsi. HA. Did you know he's doing some half-assed cult leader gimmick now? Crazy. The camera eventually finds TAZMANIAC making his way to the ring, and this is definitely a high school gym. According to the ring announcer, this is Al Snow's first appearance in ECW. If this camera shot of the front of his panties is any indication, he seems excited. Taz is announced and does his jumpy thing, and we're off. Circling. Lockup, and here's a fan with our first "C'MON TAZZ!" More locking up, pushing off, and a side headlock from Al. Taz picks him up and pitches him to the mat. Al goes for a side headlock again, and gets the same result. Taz kicks Al and tries something, but Al escapes and goes behind Taz, who goes behind Al, who goes behind Taz, who goes behind Al, and they repeat it about a dozen times before Taz ends up running into the ropes and shoulderblocking Al. Now Taz runs around some more, but this time he gets hip-tossed. Taz gets up to his knees and Al does a "hunkered down ready to counter" pose, which should follow a series of Al countering Taz' moves, not Al countering one move in the only successful offense he's gotten so far. The fans boo. Taz and Al hold the "boy are we evenly matched" moment for what seems like forever.

Back to the action with arm-wringery stuff from Al. Taz counters with a suplex and gets some applause. Circling. Al tries a headlock, because that's worked so well so far, but Taz shoves him off into the ropes. Both guys duck and evade each other's attacks for a bit until Taz headbutts Al out of the ring. Al mouths off at some fan, Macho Man style, and here comes JASON, who apparently managed every heel in ECW at this point. He makes amusing hand-gestures that indicate that Al should...win, I guess. Oh, he's helpfully pointing out where Taz is. And...they keep talking. Taz attacks Al as he comes in, but Al low-blows him and...the fans cheer? Now Al stomps. Here's another "C'MON TAZZ!" as Taz gets whipped to the ropes and tripped by Jason. Al drops a leg. Now he goes to the ropes and gets a...strolling stomp. PAUL HEYMAN comes out, apparently to even the odds after Jason tripped Taz ONCE. Doesn't the heel manager usually have to cheat several times to establish that this face needs help? This match is on fast-forward, plot-development wise. It's on slow-motion action-wise, though. Still, pretty star-studded cast for a high school gym. As if to prove my point about the lack of action, we briefly see Al giving Taz a modified ninja chokeout as the camera focuses on Jason being afraid of the cell phone. Al releases his hold to drop (and miss) an elbow. Taz punches. Al gets sent to the ropes, and Paul trips him, and the fans pop for it because it's the big payoff to an in-match story that's been brewing now for well over a minute. Tazz gets a big overhead belly2belly for a long 2, and I seriously thought that was gonna be it.

Holy shit, now THE PITBULLS are on the apron? They distract Taz, who gets rolled-up for 2. Al goes for a vertical suplex as the Pitbulls just hop down for no reason. Oh wait, 911 is here. Paul points out the Pitbulls for 911's benefit. Al with a scoop and a slam. IT'S OVER! He considers going up top, but decides to biel Taz and give him a ninja chokeout instead. Paul gets the crowd to chant by slamming the mat, and this allows Taz to suplex his way out of the hold. That gets 2. Now Al goes for another low-blow. He's done two of those and Jason only got tripped by Jason once, so can we expect Paul Heyman to start nailing everyone in the crotch with his cell phone? Al now redeems himself a bit with a cool spot where he drapes Taz across the top rope, then goes up top and gets some really good height with a jumping legdrop across the back of Taz' tiny Tazmanihead. That gets a good reaction, but Al stops to play to the crowd instead of covering right away. When he does cover, Taz gets a foot on the ropes. Next we get some runny-around stuff that...spontaneously results in a collarandTboneTazplex for 3. Well, that was random. 911 comes in and...leans on Taz. What? Jason comes in and acts disgusted with Al, as though Jason and his minions haven't gone like 0-1000000 against Taz in actual matches. I think Jason may be about to...and we cut away.

TAZMANIAC – 6 SABU – 3 EVERYONE ELSE – 2

Aw man, it seemed like that match was about to get good right when it ended. I like how a million people ran in but none of them did anything this time. Hey, remember all those jokes Mick Foley used to make about how the shortest DVD ever was a "Best of Al Snow" compilation..?

*

12. TAZ & SABU VS. PUBLIC ENEMY (DOUBLE TABLES MATCH)

After the post-match plot-beating the Public Enemy gave these two in the last televised match on this DVD, I'm thinking my vague hope that everyone would have integers for final scores ain't happening. Oh well, at least we get to see Public Enemy get their comeuppance, with that Al Snow match just acting as a crappy, strange interlude. Pardon me while I have a strange interlude. Was it weird interlude or strange interlude? Eh, you probably don't even know the hot, with-it Marx Brothers movie I'm referencing. PUBLIC ENEMY are already in the ring, waiting for TAZMANIAC and SABU. The shitty guy starts with the shitty guy and the guy I like starts with the guy I (part 2 of) kinda like. Grunge sends Sabu to the floor and follows him. Rocco tries a big, clumsly clothesline and of course it gets ducked and countered into a suplex by Taz. Grunge does extreme choking on the outside while Taz...powerbombs Rocco? Styles refers to the powerbomb as "awesome," but I'm tempted to make jokes about how effective it can be to get dropped from 3 feet in the air like that. Taz and Rocco try to do a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker countered into an armdrag spot. It falls apart, but that doesn't stop Rocco Rock from celebrating afterwards. He turns and gets armdragged by Taz. Meanwhile, Sabu took over somehow on the outside, and is now working Grunge over with a chair. He sets it up and sits Grunge in it (hilarious, I shit you not, that is fucking beautiful) before going into the ring and performing a suicide dive on his seated foe. If Sabu were a silent film villain, he would tie a woman to some train tracks, hijack a train and run it right up to the woman, then stop the train so he could climb up on the engine and perform a forward-flip dive off of it onto the woman. Meanwhile, Taz and Rocco are on the outside, and Taz is hitting Rocco with a cane or something.

Oh look, PAUL HEYMAN and 911 are there, wotta surprise. Sabu and Grunge continue to brawl in the crowd, and apparently Grunge is busted open. Sabu apparently throws Grunge down the bleacher steps, but you can't really see anything. This is making me nostalgic for those WCW brawls where the Nasty Boyz and the Sullivan Brothers would fight in fake concession areas that were clearly isolated from the actual fans in attendance. They head back to the ring so we can see what the fuck is going on, and Grunge takes over by hitting Sabu with a frying plan that is still wrapped in plastic! Did he get that from a fan who bought it on their way to the show? Awesome. He hits Sabu some more. Hey, Sabu has a little white armband that says "Sabu" on it in black letters. I guess that means Sabu is remembering his friend Sabu who is alive. Now Taz and Rocco are back in. Styles assures us they have been brawling all over the arena though we, of course, saw pretty much none of it. Taz belly2belly suplexes Rocco as Sabu...spontaneously has a chair. Where the fuck did that come from? He hits Grunge with it once, then can't resist setting it up, running at it, and jumping off it to perform "Air Sabu." You know, the way chairs spontaneously generate in his hands, you'd think if Sabu just hit people with them instead of using them as props in his Cirque du Soleil act, he'd never lose a fight. Now Sabu does the Arabian Facebuster. Rocco somehow manages to stop getting his ass kicked for a second and throw Taz to the floor. Sabu had already gone out there to GET THA TABLES~!!! The faces push a folded-up table into the ring, but the heels stomp on them and take over when they try to follow. And...somebody at ringside pushes in another table, how nice. I wonder if that was Paul or 911, or just a random ring crew guy. Grunge sets up a table and sets Sabu on it, as Taz and Rocco fight by a table that is upside down (with its legs sticking up in the air). Taz slams Rocco throat-first into a table leg, which is pretty sick. I think I'll start a new paragraph in honor of how yucky that was.

Meanwhile, Sabu was apparently not put through a table as he and Grunge are both up and trading punches. Grunge gets set on a table, Taz wanders by to say hello, and the fans pop as Sabu looks to be going up. But he goes to the floor instead to get a chair. Now he goes up, sets the chair up on the top turnbuckle (adding a few inches of elevation and a million percent higher chance of slipping-up and killing himself). He goes off the top and...sort of legdrops the side of the table Grunge had been on as he falls. The camera angle made it hard to tell what happened there. The table did break, so does that count as Sabu putting himself through a table? Again? (Because oh yeah, the first team to put both members of the other team through a table wins). Styles says he did not go through the table. Meanwhile, Grunge is using a broken-off table leg as a weapon to smack Sabu with. Good choice, as Sabu can't really take that away from you and leap off of it. Styles: "And if the iron supports on the table went out, just imagine what happened to those tiny bones in Sabu's knee!" Haha, tiny bones. I wonder if Grunge will start removing Sabu's bones and hitting him with them. Taz eventually clubbers Grunge, who low-blows him (SHADES OF AL SNOW) but Taz doesn't seem to notice as he no-sells and pitches Grunge outside. Sabu is propping a table up in a corner despite his tiny broken knee bones. Meanwhile, Taz slams Rocco down, then suplexes Sabu onto him! Wow, using Sabu as a weapon...I wonder if Sabu can somehow set himself up in the ring and springboard off of himself to attack someone.

Now Johnny Grunge belly2bellies (!!) Taz. Styles: "I'll be damned, he can wrestle!" Hahaha, nice that Styles isn't pretending everyone in ECW wrestles like a Malenko Brother. Well, like Dean. Now Public Enemy each whip one of our intrepid heroes into that table that was propped up in a corner. Good thing it didn't break unexpectedly or we'd have a premature match ending. Sort of a predecessor to the X Division Title Belt falling off of the Ultimate/Elevation X...thing. HOW DO YA TEACH A BELT TO FALL OFF OF A 50 FOOT LADDER, KING? Grunge raises his fist in glory while Rocco dances like a goof. I think I'll miss the dancing most of all, since there's two matches after this, there's only about twenty minutes left on the DVD counter and Public Enemy have GOT to be about to get killed soon. Anyway, everybody brawls some more, with Sabu whipping Rocco into that corner-table hard enough that it breaks. I...think that counts? 1 down, 1 to go (maybe?) I hope I don't sound like I'm anxious for this to end, as this match has been pretty fun. Grunge takes over with generic brawling while Rocco, who recovered instantly, begins hittin' dudes with pieces of the table he just go put through. Grunge puts Taz on a table and climbs up top, stopping to taunt (us with the idea he'd actually do an aerial move). Taz pops up, climbs after him, and back suplexes him off. Both men end up going through the table, and the announcer tells us it's tied at 1 all. Because I guess Rocco getting whipped into a table that broke didn't count. But then again Sabu put himself through a table earlier, so now everyone has gone through a table and we can just start over, I guess.

All joking aside, the match will now end when either Sabu or Rocco are put through a table. Rocco puts Sabu on a table, gets on the middle turnbuckle, but then hops back down, gives the crowd a little "ah-ah-ah" gesture, and then dances. I'm loving Rocco Rock right now. I assume this would get old quick, but this is his last hurrah on this DVD which means it's likely the last time I'll ever have to deal with him. Let us part as friends, noble Flyboy. When he's done dancing, Rocco just (part 2 of) kinda punches Sabu a few times to keep him on the table and starts climbing again. Styles says Grunge hit Taz in the eyes with some sort of powder (who does he think he is, Great freakin' Khan?) Now Rocco goes for his forward-flip splash and...holy shit, he put Sabu through the table!? I was convinced the good guys would win this one. Wait, now Joey Styles is explaining that the ref never saw it? Seriously? Fuck. I wouldn't be so upset by this Memphis-style booking cheese if Styles didn't bash WWE and WCW for pulling the exact same shit. Now Grunge is choking Paul Heyman at ringside (er...why?) and hahaha there's this great moment where a ringside cameraman who ended up in shot looks really bored as he tries to snap a picture of it. Its like, "Oh, that hip-hop fellow is choking the guy with the cellular phone. I suppose while I'm here I should photograph it." Oh, now I see why Grunge is attacking Paul, its so Taz and Sabu can double-team Rocco. Taz puts him on a table on the outside and Sabu does a legdrop off the top. Apparently the ref was paying attention this time as it ends the match.

TAZMANIAC – 6½ SABU – 3½ EVERYONE ELSE – 2

That ending was frankly bullshit, but even I'm not gonna get indignant about it like fifteen years later. And seeing as that was the last tag match on this DVD, I assume they held the title forever and are still technically the ECW tag team champions.

And...they haven't cut yet. Taz and Grunge are apparently brawling back towards the entryway. Man, ECW matches never really end, do they? Now Sabu and 911 are setting up more tables in the ring. One is set up sort of on the turnbuckle (drapped across the ropes). 911 holds Rocco down while Sabu climbs up on his top rope table setup (which makes him no higher up than he would be if he just climbed the turnbuckle). He has a chair, but suddenly CHRIS BENOIT runs out? Styles: "What's Benoit doing out here?" Excellent question. Now, because the table is sort of precariously balanced up there Benoit and Sabu have to work together and can't make a lot of sudden moves (like, for example, pretend punches and kicks). As a result, we end up with Sabu sort of turning to notice Benoit is there, and responding to this realization by carefully bending down and putting his head between Benoit's legs so Benoit can powerbomb him onto the table that Rocco is still on, killing everyone involved. Benoit pops up to do the thumb-across-the-throat gesture, pull of his shirt, and then get in 911's face (as 911 had just sort of stood there watching the whole thing from a distance). Styles: "The Crippler is a madman!" Oh come on, it's not like he killed three people. ZING!

*

13. TAZ VS. BENOIT (Raw Footage, Jim Thorpe, PA)

Careful readers may note that this is labeled differently from the last match between these two, and I don't just mean the "Raw Footage" part. Again, I am quoting the DVD packaging directly. I leave it to you to decide who is more extreme, "Chris Benoit" or "Benoit." Oops, my alt-tag should read "Blockhead from Internet," not "Blockhead from the Internet," as you will soon see. BENOIT, rockin' the house show mic: "What I'd really like to know, is how all you blockheads from Internet, enjoyed that bus ride up the hill! You BUNCHA LOSERS!" Holy shit, epic burn! Apparently this "arena" is on top of a hill. Is he implying Internet nerds are the only people who watched ECW? And also that Internet nerds would need to ride a bus up a hill because they are too fat to walk? Or don't have cars? Or am I (a blockhead from Internet) over thinking this? Perhaps we are a buncha losers. Benoit, it should be noted, is wearing black tights (he never really wore panties, did he?) with a big pink star on the ass. And Super Asia contends he called us fuckheads from Internet instead of blockheads. Combined with the tights that would make him a sort of foul-mouthed member of the Midnight Express. Supes and I already had an in-joke for that: Bodacious Benoit. Now Taz' music plays on the impressive PA system for...wherever this is. I can see a sort of ceiling with wooden beams...I swear to God, it looks like they're holding this event at a campground. TAZMANIAC is here, so let's start a new paragraph.

Benoit attacks Taz as Taz enters the ring. Clubberies. Snap suplex, followed by some quality Benoit stomping. The fans chant "Canada sucks" because what else did anyone know about Benoit to chant at him? Perhaps "Your name's French! You're name's French!" Benoit pulls Taz up for a back suplex, then stops to look pissed. Scoop slam. Are the fans chanting "we want chips?" Benoit with chops, then sending Taz to the ropes and catching him with an elbow on the rebound. Benoit slams Taz into the corner, whips him into the other corner, and then gives him a short clothesline. More standing around looking pissed, and Taz finally punches back a little. Benoit out-punches him though and gets a clothesline. The fans like that. He's slow to cover, but he does count along with the ref in a rare pre-WWE flash of in-ring personality other than "blind rage." It gets 2. The powerbomb, not his personality. The fans seem to be chanting "We want Taz," which is kind of dumb. Benoit gourdbusters Taz across the top rope in a vicious sort of way. The guy taping this turns away from the match to get...crowd shots? Wow, now it looks like they're wrestling outside at a gazebo or something. It sort of looks like an Olive Garden. There are definitely, on the other side of some doors we can see, neon lights for like a bar or something.

Ok, um, don't know what that was about, but we're back to the match and Benoit is giving Taz a backbreaker. Shades of King Slender. That gets 2. Benoit puts Taz up top...looking for a superplex...gets it. For 2. Taz has done, like, nothing but get his ass kicked here. They trade punches, but Taz takes over with a headbutt. Now Taz sets up for a suplex, but Benoit counters, and they do about a dozen go-behinds before Taz gets a belly2back suplex that drops Benoit RIGHT on his head. He landed on his noggin', Cole. Both guys get up and run around some more. Benoit just sort of slowly got to his feet, there was no zombie sit-up (HAHAHAHA HE'S DEAD). Benoit looking to get belly2belly suplexed, but he sort of counters by hooking his feet on the corner ropes. Which leads to Taz setting him on the top turnbuckle and superplexing him. That doesn't end the match because, c'mon, he's no Barry Whindam. Though he was a Stalker hahaha wait, that doesn't make any sense at all. Taz stalking Benoit (wait, ok, now it does) for a belly2back to end this, but FOR FUCK'S SAKE NOT JASON AGAIN is out to distract him. Haha, Jason was going to run in and attack, but when he sees that Taz sees him he does a "What are you looking at me for?" shrug. Taz scoop slams Benoit, then runs to the ropes and...is tripped by Jason, hahaha. And he sort of fell extra slowly too, as though he knew it was gonna happen (more than wrestlers normally know, even) and is just sort of annoyed to have to go through with it. Gee, I wonder if someone will come out to help Taz. PAUL HEYMAN OMG struts out in exactly the same way he did before, and once again Jason is suddenly terrified of him even though he kicked his ass during earlier match-within-a-match bullshit. Now someone is hitting Taz with a chair. They just wandered in and started hitting him with a chair. I think it's AL SNOW. Hahaha, SABU makes one last appearance (proving he didn't die from being powerbombed onto "Flyboy" Rocco Rock) to try and make the save, but Al just starts chairing him too. The referee is just sort of casually watching this, by the way. In ECW, he's just there to count. Wait, now PUBLIC ENEMY invade, and NOW the bell rings? Haha, Benoit and Al Snow just leave, they don't even give a shit. EVERY ECW MATCH ENDS WITH EVERYONE ON THE ROSTER RUNNIN IN!!! And now, AFTER I make that comment, 911 comes out to chokeslam Public Enemy.

TAZMANIAC – 7½ SABU – 3½ EVERYONE ELSE – 2

I'm guessing Taz won by DQ, though clearly it was caused by members of Public Enemy clubbering him because the ref could have cared less about all the Al Snow chairshots.

We haven't cut yet. Someone has a mic. I don't know who. We can't see them; they're on the outside on the far end of the ring. They keep yelling that they want Sabu. Taz poses. Whoever: "Not you, you goof!" Hahaha. I think he said that, it's hard to tell. This "mystery man calls out Sabu" stuff goes on for several minutes before we spontaneously cut away.

*

14. TAZ VS. STEVIE RICHARDS

Hey, whatta way to finish! This wouldn't have been much of a nostalgic return to Weekly Visitor rebeaking if it didn't involve Stevie Richards losing. As it happens, I'm even writing this up on a Sunday! This DVD is almost out of time, so I'm assuming this match was from before that period where Stevie was being pushed as an underdog contender for the ECW title and that he's going to get murdered in short order.

STEVIE RICHARDS is already in the ring. And...wait, this is also in some weird, outdoors arena being shot with some fan's camcorder. What the Hell, RF Video!? Why are you warning me with the "Raw Footage" caption sometimes, and not others? I assumed I'd get to take some parting shots at Joey Styles here, but he hasn't called a match since two matches back! Actually, I rolled it back to the last match and, yeah, this is clearly the exact same place, being shot by the same fan in the same seat. Taz musta pulled double duty. Does this mean there's a chance he won't get jumped by all the same people at the end? Anyway, TAZMANIAC comes out and throws a chair into the ring, which causes Stevie to flee in panic. We...cut? Suddenly everyone is in the ring, and the camera is filming the ring from a different place. Maybe this is a dark match (none of this was televised, so...extra dark?) to give the fans a chance to start filtering out. To the bus that will take them back down the hill. Stevie attacks from behind while the ring announcer is still talking because that's his only fucking prayer, but then he comically tries to headbutt Taz and knocks himself down. Taz starts clubbering. He sends Stevie into the ropes and actually clotheslines him, because Stevie lacks the skill to evade and try a go-behind which leads to a sequence of thirty-million go-behinds before Taz inevitably wins anyway. Taz tosses Stevie outside. Taz follows him out and...throws...something, but the fans are all standing up and you can't see. I think Taz just dropped Stevie across the barricade, but again, you can't see. Stevie gets smashed into more things. Back in the ring, and Stevie gets sent into the ropes and back body dropped. Stevie gouges the eyes, then tries to corner whip Taz, but Taz reverses it and catches Stevie with a belly2backTazmaniacplex when Stevie comes rebounding out of the corner. That'll do it for Stevie, and this DVD.

TAZMANIAC – 8½ SABU – 3½ EVERYONE ELSE – 2

Well, not exactly an epic match to end this DVD, but...HAHAHAHAHA THE PITBULLS ARE RUNNING IN! Now the Pitbulls will join in...FOR A DOUBLE-TEAM! *pause* DOUBLE-TEAM BY THE PITBULL AND THE PITBULL! *pause* The Pitbull has joined in with the Pitbull for the elimination, of the Tazmaniac! I wonder if Stevie will join in or just get the fuck out of there. Taz actually kicks both of the Pitbulls asses with suplexes, and now the dreaded double noggin knocker. Was that a Heavily Modified Coconut Cyclone? Even I forget. GOD DAMN IT DEAN THIS DVD IS SUPPOSED TO BE OVER now attacks Taz. Hahaha, now that it's 3-on-1, Stevie is confident enough to join in and start stomping Taz. 911 comes out to save. How did he know to do that without Paul E. pointing at guys? Everyone runs away from him because he is the best wrestler in the world, as he proved in subsequent years (damn I'm Smarky right now). This DVD, a heartfelt tribute to the Tazmaniac, ends with the fans chanting for 911.

Final Thoughts: That was fun. I got to make fun of all the stupid, pointless run-ins, but the matches themselves were really entertaining. Even Johnny Grunge busted out a suplex.

Final, Final Thoughts: Well, that's all for me. I had the matches all written up and sat on this thing for like two weeks before getting around to doing the html, adding an epilogue and emailing it to Sofa. In the interim, ironically, Super Asia was offered a bunch of old tapes of WWF Superstars episodes by somebody who no longer has a working VCR. I don't know yet for sure that I'll end up with them, but it looks likely. This isn't me threatening to rebeak. I just want anyone reading this, who may spare a second to wonder what JG is up to these days, to know I've got them. Don't get me wrong, wrestling-related stupidity is not the whole of my life, but it's how you knew me and it's how I want you to remember me. So when you think of me, think of me watching the Repo Man acting excited about his upcoming match with Crush, that he totally thinks he's gonna win. Think of me watching Macho Man craftily driving a wedge between Perfect and Heenan that ends with shrieks of "wet weasel." Think of me watching The Bushwhackers getting ready to face tag team champions Money Incorporated, and knowingly telling Super Asia that Money Inc will likely win via cheating. Think of me watching shitty, shitty wrestling...and pretending I hate it...but secretly loving every minute.