OK...this was written on the messageboard when for some reason I thought other people would be there. I ended up rebeaking the whole thing because I'm an idiot. Both the show and the rebeak suck, since I did it by the seat of the pants and made no real effort to add entertainment to a show that was lacking any inherent entertainment. Let the suckage begin:

It's starting. Now. And it can't be any worse than those "bloopers" they showed on UPN.

Our opening montage featured Bastion Booger, Mr. Backlund, Papa Shango, Kamala, Pillman, and the NOD. And the Higher Power. And the Booker T midget. No Edge and Christian dressed as Elvises (Elvi?) though.

Oh, and it's being hosted by JR and King. Yuck.

Ok, our first speaker is the Jesus Kid. He makes fun of Bertha Faye and Bull Nakano (Faye is dead, asshole.) He's presenting the Diva of the Decade award, which is so very, very fitting. Our nominees are Sable, Sunny, Stratus, let me guess...Stacey? No, Lita is next. But...she's not blonde and her name doesn't start with S! WHAT THE HELL!? Haha, she hits on Deano. And now Stace...no...Chyna. Huh. I'm half expecting Miss Elizabeth to be nominated...but she was never on RAW.

Anyway, it's Sable, Sunny, Stratus, Lita, and Chyna. Shockingly, the one who is currently part of the show, Trish, wins. She talks about what an honor this is and how women have come a long way (hahaha) and stuff. Hey, there's Moolah and Mae!

Now Stacey and the Coach discuss the best moment in RAW history. They're going to talk them down over the course of the show. These segments are gonna sell the show, just like Dawn/Al honeymoon footage!

The tenth best moment in RAW history was apparently "Rocky, this is your half-hour promo/life"

Up next, Shane will jump off the top of a cage in the third or fourth stupidest crazy stunt he ever pulled.

Our commercials included more "sexually-charged" Sims.

Now Stacey reads lines meant to make her look stupid, and looks stupider by struggling to get them right. Then Shane comes out to say stuff.

This sucks. If nobody shows up soon, I'll flee weeping. Then I'll hit TNM's TV. Some heckler was audible to the audience in attendence, but not to me. Crap.

Our "Goofiest Looking Move" award nominees are:

-Big Show chokeslamming Taker through a pit-trap predug by Team Rocket.

-Jeff jumping off of something onto something else

-Bubba Ray Dudley powerbombing Mae Young off the stage

-Angle Anglesaulting the matt off the top of the cage

Big Show gets up to accept before he's announced, and then Kurt is announced. Kurt is not sing crutches. The crowd was chanting for "RVD."

Team Angle does a group hug (aw.) They hold up the flag so he can speechify in front of it. He thanks the Academy of Wrestling Arts and Sciences.

Bring back the Slammies.

Angle got played off. Hahaha.

Now they do a montage of bad gimmicks. IRS WAS NOT A BAD GIMMICK DAMN IT!

Man's Man William Regal!!

EARTHQUAKE MAIN EVENTED!! HOW DARE YOU INCLUDE HIM WITH EL GIGANTE...and there's Hakushi. Hakushi is being lumped in with Isaac Yankem? Man...they have some fucked up ideas about what was bad and what wasn't.

Here's Booker T for no reason.

Here's Steve Austin destroying the Rock's car with his personalized Monster Truck. No, not live.

Booker T is out now. He says something about a giant, dizzy spinaroonie. To Jericho: "You go girl." He says "five time," five times.

Our nominees for "Tell Me I Did Not Just See That" are:

- Mick Foley having more than one ring name - Vince hugging Eric Bischoff - Brawl 4 All (should be nominated for "I wish I did not just see that BWAHAHA and there's Dr. Death's dumb ass getting knocked out BWAHAHA) - Kane's Satard powers (he killed a crew guy with flaming lightning) - Austin's zambonie

Golddust is out to help announce the winner. The pre-award montage included Dibiase making some kid bounce a ball 10 times for $100 and kicking it away at 9. That should have won. Foley did instead. Mick couldn't be here (crowd boos, I mean come on, it's in NY!)

Coach talks to Eric, who fucks up while plugging RAW.

Hey, a commercial for Vice City. I own that. I should be playing that right now.

Now Ric Flair comes out. I wonder how he'll degrade himself this time. Aw, I bet they let him do something classy this week. Man...they've got him introducing the dead guy montage. Andre, a ref, Pillman, Rude, Owen, Gorilla, Yoko, Bulldog, Andre again, Andre, Andre, Andre, Andre, Andre, Joey Marella, that's the guy I called "a ref." He gets like three shots. Here's Pillman a few times, looking completely nuts as always. Ok, everyone's getting a bunch of shots, but it was still fun to list Andre like twenty times. Oh...poor Yoko only got two shots. BOO! RACISM.

JERICHO is here to try and save us all. He claims he wore his current outfit on a tip from Freddie Blassie, then goes on to discuss the best mic worker in the history of RAW IS JERICHO. He doesn't bother to read the nominees, because it's obvious the winner is...THE ROCK!? Rock is, of course, not here, so Jericho accepts the award for himself. The Rock appears on a big TV to belittle him with live cross-country taunts. The Rock says "Finally the Rock has come back to New York City!" The fans boo him, since it's such a big fucking lie. NEW YORK CITY!?!? Get a rope. The Rock suggests that Jericho stick the mic up his ass, and the fans boo him again.

Poor Jericho has to stand around looking flustered, because Rock can't really hear him that well. Then Rock talks to Kurt. This sucks. Rock wants to call Team Angle "Team SuckSquad." Idiot. Now he talks to Stephanie. He calls he a whore, at great length. "Blow the candles, not the pool boy." That's the kind of thing that won him this award.

Now he calls out Booker T and Golddust for making fun of the Scorpion King. I missed that. He sucks up to them, even if Golddust is a sick freak. Some fan put it best when he said, "Shut up!" Then Rock says "New York City" again. I hate this so much. "Boring" chant. Damn right.

Now it's half over...no one is here...do I have to finish now? When I do a rebeak, I get to go back and actually try to add humor...

Cole and Tazz are out to introduce an award as only they can: with a vague gay chemistry. The catagory: Shut up and kiss me. The nominees are:

- Mark Henry and Mae, I think, I wasn't really paying attention

- Eddie and Chyna

- Lita and Freddie. I mean Matt.

- Mr. McMahon's Ass and William Regal

- Steph and HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Haha, they show the wedding where she's passed out

Our winners are Steph and HHHHHH. JR: "This is gonna be most interesting." WRONG AGAIN, WHALE BOY. Triple H invites Steph to kiss his ass, then shows his ass, which she slaps. Wow, great.

#7 Mr. Socko! I seem to have missed 9 and 8. Actually, I probably saw them and ignored them. 7 wraps up with Steve Austin hitting Vince with a bed pan and giving him an enema. Who was it that wanted the old wrestling back?

Now Patterson and Okerlund are out to disturb us all. Gene: "We play some games here at WWE."

Our nominees for things that pissed off network executives (ie disgusting wierdness) are:

- Mae Young gives birth to a hand (Hooker's favorite!)

- Stone Cole stuns Santa (this upset no one)

- HLA and 3 Minute Warning (nothing happened)

- "Pillman's Got A Gun"

The fans chant HLA. Because they're idiots. Mae wins, to boos.

Greatest moment EVAR #whatever is D-X getting in blackface for a hilarious NOD minstrel show. Road Dogg is D-Lo, X-Pac is a pathetic Mark Henry, HHHHHHH is Rock, and I guess Chyna is the Interlocutor or Bones or someone.

HERE COMES THE PRAWN! Brok is out. Someone yells "jackass." They need to think a little harder about holding these things at the World from now on. Brok respects everyone, "except Paul Heyman." ECW chant follows. Ha.

Our Superstar of the Decade nominees are:

- Mick Foley

- The Rock (boos abound)

- Bret Hart (cheers. Doesn't anyone remember how boring he was?)

- HHHHHHHHHHHHHH ("Let me tell you the who in the Hell I am!")

- 3:16

- John Cena's motorcycle chauffeur (sp?) (OMG)

A WINNER IS COLD STONE! Vince comes out to accept. "We want Austin!" Lawler thinks the fans want Austin.

"I know Austin would be proud to stand on this stage and accept this ruckus award...and you can bet there's a very good reason Stone Cold is not here tonight. And that very good reason is he was not invited. And that's the bottom line, because Mr. McMahon said so."

OMG.

Triple H whines and leaves. Ric leaves too. I guess H was his ride.

ULTIMATE SUPER MOMENT #??? is Austin earning the name Cold Stone by messing with Tyson.

The Best Match EVAR is next. The nominees are:

- That TLC where Kane killed everyone ever while Hurricane sat around in the back

- Triple H vs Cactus Jack (from prerecorded history, 1996)

- Jeff Hardy vs Taker, the one where Jeff said, "Undertaker, you whooped my ayassuh!"

- Austin vs Kane, in 1998, the match that ended Kane's 1-day title reign. But he's officially a former champion, damn it

The winner, announced by King, is TLC 2002. Which was, I think, TLC 4? The Chris Brothers (Jericho and Tian) are first to jump around. They argue about who is cooler before Kane grabs the trophy, says "Assclowns," and is generally a jerk. Kane says it's for all of them (EXCEPT HURRICANE HAHAHA) and then Bubba talks. He says he's from NYC (Dudleyville LIAR) and gives props to Benoit, D-Von, Matt and Edge (who weren't in the match.) I'm just happy JR didn't spontaneously declare any given bra and panties match the best ever. Oh wait, now RVD gets to talk. He wants to congratulate, R-V-D.

The 4th biggest thing that ever happened was when D-X harassed some $4.25 an hour CNN Tower security guys. My favorite part was the computer graphics of someone spraypainting "DX" on the tower, but they don't show that. Aw.

All right, this fucking sucked. I can't even believe I recapped the whole thing, and with no "clever" nicknames either. That might have helped, but I doubt it.

I haven't called Rob Van Dam Robert VanDam in a while...

Now we enter the Holy Trinity of important RAW things with "I'm gonna lay the Smackdown on his crippled ass, nWo style brother!" Actually we don't go that far, just up to the announcement of the match. But that was the good part.

Freddie Blassie exists.

Coach and Stacey are back. I'm starting to understand the deep hatred my rebeak palz feel for Coach. They introduce a recap of the Owen Tribute show, which I am not going to make fun of. No way. HOLY SHIT JEFF JARRET ON WWE TV!! (sorry, sorry.)

The Owen tribute is immediately followed by that TNN promo where dumb guy asks nerdy guy if he'd do a Klingon chick.

And now it's time for the #1 moment ever as voted by the fans (Abe "MVP Knuckleball" Schwarz is standing by to blame the fans.) It will be introduced by Edge, who, predictably, sucks up. Our People's Choice Award Winner is...

The Beer Truck

As well it should be. I liked the milk truck, but that wouldn't have made sense without the beer truck, so...

The best part was that Rock was in the middle of a catchphrase when he caught the first blast of beer.

Now Edge sucks up some more. He invites everyone up, including Y2J in his "silly little suit," "Angle and the Suck Squad," etc. WILL WE SEE THE LONG AWAITED E&C reunion!? No. Wait, he is like right behind Edge. Like, RIGHT behind him. Edge pretty much blocks our view of Christian.

That's it.

Final thoughts: No one promised to be here or anything, but damn. I said I was gonna bail, and I so should have bailed. But then I ended up actually chatting on AIM for a change, and I thought I would type it while I was online, and...I BLAME THE FANS. I am so half-assing Smackdown. Well, JG will. Anyway, this sucked.