I did the one tag match full of guys I like and the oddity that is JL vs Sabu in detail, but the rest glosses over the matches themselves as much as possible, I swear. Hogan vs Giant goes on forever because…Hogan vs Giant went on forever.

So, there’s this one video store in town that used to have these really awesome old NWA and WCW wrestling videos you’d normally have to pay some geeky collector ungodly amounts of money to copy for you. They had the one where Sting unmasked Black Scorpion, who emerged with several other Black Scorpions from a spaceship. They had Capitol Combat 90whatever: The Return of Robocop, where Arn, Ric and Ole acted terrified (Sid just kinda stood there looking insane) as Sting and Robocop posed before a young EvilJonHunt. They even had Starcade 86, where Cornette drozzled his knee in a Scaffold Match that gave the ppv the ludicrous name, “The Night of the Sky Walkers.” That’s what Tony kept saying every three seconds, I shit you not. But then I came back from college one year to discover they’d sold everything pre-nWo except that WarGames I just rebeaked. Crap. At least the place that stupidly started carrying WCW when Hogan signed up never sold their crap, so I can bring you…

Halloween Havok 95! The year is…well, 1995. I graduated from High School with the shittiest class slogan ever: "The Class of 95 is more than just alive." Hogan spent the beginning of the year trying to finish off Ric Flair’s credibility. He spent the middle of the year turning Vader from the lovable insane monster fatty who seemed destined to conquer the wrestling world (not to mention Boy Meets World) and into the unlovable monster fatty who seemed destined to suck and job to Sid in the WWF. Bear in mind Hulk only wrestled at every other ppv, so this is probably his fourth or fifth big show all year. Ah, but the term "big show" was quite the portent. Left without a new challenger, Hulk’s own creative genius was put to the test as he tried to create a truly hateful wrestler to challenge for his title. And oh boy did he ever succeed. Ladies and gentlemen, this ppv features the Big Show when he was still “green.” Ugh.

We open with a generic Fall Brawl promo. Order Hulk and Friends vs the Dungeon of Doom’s B-Squad…now!

Now here’s a Bash at the Beach promo. It shows nothing but Hogan riding around on a motorcycle as an announcer talks about bashing and beaches. I could not tell you who wrestled who.

Now here’s a World War 3 promo. 3 rings…3 giants. Whichever giant was supposed to be third didn’t show, so they ended up having to claim Hogan was “a giant of the wrestling world” or something. That was funny.

Here’s a Johnny Quest on home video ad. Hulk Hogan is not mentioned. Turner Media was really pushing Classic Johnny Quest hard, because they wanted people to care about “The Real Adventures of Johnny Quest.” Hahahahahaha.

Christ Almighty, the show is finally starting. Our narrator: “The Giant has a Jones for destruction…shudder to think about their monster trucks…inside the fortress called the ring…” Oh yeah, this is the Monster Truck one! To quote Crow T. Robot from Monster-a-Go-Go: “This is gonna suck.”

Your hosts, unfortunately, are THE WORST ANNOUNCER IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORT and BOBBY “THE THROAT” HEENAN. I’m sorry.

Here’s some obviously pre-recorded footage of the monster trucks on the roof. For whatever reason, there is always one guy in reverse and one guy in drive. For whatever other reason, they show us shots of Giant and Hogan in the trucks and claim they're in there "warming up," but don't explain why they aren't trying to kill each other now.

A narrator explains the complicated backstory between DDP and Johnny B. Badd. DDP and his evil crony Maxx Muscle sabotaged Johnny's US Title shot at some Saturday Night by shredding all four of his tires. Maxx lets this slip by saying, “pretty tough, giving him four flat tires.” Supposedly the “four” is the giveaway since Badd had never said all four went flat, but I think the “giving him” was a strong indication as well.

RABBIT KILLER (w/DDP WILL ALWAYS BE CHAMPION IN MY BOOK and MAXX MUSSELS THE SEAFOOD KING) vs JOHNNY B. SCUM. According to the Styrofoam tombstones in their fake graveyard, “Farewell” is dead. DDP and his gang are out first. Johnny uses a fake Johnny to distract DDP, and comes in from the crowd. Tony, upon seeing a close-up of a guy who is clearly the real Badd: “Who is that!?!?” DDP is, as you may already know, famous for having worked really hard to become a good worker late in his in-ring career. This is early in his in-ring career, and this match is eighty hours long and brutally boring. “The Diamond Dream” is a floatover DDT. DDP did not do it well enough to justify a nickname for it. DDP calls for the Diamond Doll to give him a 10 with her little scorecards after every frickin’ punch. She is hesitant, because the storyline that he is a massive asshole and she hates his guts has been simmering for about fifty years now. At one point, the Diamond Doll gives Badd a 10 and Tony acts like aliens just landed with a cure for fatassness. Badd puts a bucket on DDP’s head, because that worked so well with Arn. DDP is supposed to be “wealthy.” I’d forgotten about that. After the eighty hours I mentioned are up, Maxx accidentally clotheslines DDP to give Badd the win. I think this was for the TV Title, which I pontificated on last time. That would make Johnny B. Badd winning the TV Title in incredibly boring matches on every WCW ppv I’ve rebeaked. I guess I was imagining things when I remembered him being good.

Here’s an example of why I hate Tony Schiavone. I mean, we all hate Tony Schiavone, but this is why I hate him: Tony, “As the anticipation grows for the battle of the sumo monster trucks…you know, let’s talk about that battle of the sumo monster trucks!” He had, of course, been mentioning them constantly throughout the last match. Bobby speculates that both Hulk and Giant could die. Man, if only.

I KNOW WHAT I’LL DO, I’LL WRITE A MID-LENGTH NOVELLA ABOUT THE ZODIAC is announced as coming from the Land of Ying and Yang, not Ying Yang, not Yin Yang, not Yin and Yang, etc. He will be facing MARCHO MAN. The box billed this as Macho vs Kamala…not that the change makes the card any more or less appealing. A fan rushes the ring, so the ref and security take him down in ring while Macho sends Zodiac outside. Heenan makes fun of the fan having had too much free beer (tell me where this sporting arena with free beer is right now Heenan,) then remembers to downplay and ignore such antics by saying, “but that’s not important a punk like that, THIS is important, watching Macho Man take it to the Zodiac!” Then Heenan pretends the fans cheering the drunk are cheering Savage. Whatta pro. Tony admits that this match was scheduled to have Kamala, and Heenan starts talking about how Kamala ran scared from Savage, so Sullivan beat him up and fired him. Why bother to fire Kamala? Why bother to hire Kamala? I find myself wondering what backstage political shenanigans would cause such a random dismissal. Did Kamala start demanding mic-time? Now we go back in the ring, where Zodiac slams Savage and goes to the middle rope for the wussiest, least-risky missed splash I have ever seen. Savage goes to pick him up, then says screw it and heads to the top-rope. Zodiac starts to get up, notices Savage has gone up top, and lies down flat again so Savage can score with the top-rope elbow in what has to be one of the shittiest endings ever. Heenan says Macho went off the top rope like a gazelle. Macho may wrestle again tonight, facing Luger if Luger can beat Meng (hahaha.) Tony says it’s therefore good for Macho that this match didn’t go 20, 25 minutes. It’s good for all of us, Tony.

THE REAL HAMBURGLAR interviews I’M A BAAAAAAAAAADD CHAMPION, who tries to cut an excited “face who just won a title” promo, but Gene keeps improvising dumb shit about Greek food and “tooty fruity” and making the interview about him. Asshole.

Here’s a recap of the epic THX 4 TEH DRUGZ DROZ vs KUUUUUUUUUURASAWA (w/COLONEL KLINK) feud. (Tony used to say Kurasawa’s name like that, and there’s nothing else even vaguely funny to be said about the guy.) Basically, Meng and Kurasawa lost to Sting and Hawk (BROTHERS IN PAINT) in a tag match, so Kurasawa got mad broke Hawk’s arm with an extra-powerful Fujiwara armbar. This was back when Japanese guys did Japanese moves and Canadian guys were still using shock sticks. This match consists of Hawk beating Kurasawa up for a few minutes before Kurasawa gets a Samoan Japanese Slam, then puts his feet on the ropes. The Colonel grabs Kurasawa’s foot for extra leverage when the count has already reached about 2 and a half, but that extra leverage makes the half-second difference and gives Kurasawa a win that I totally forgot about. I’m vaguely happy, but only because Kurasawa went around in EIW (the e-fed) yelling “YAAH” all the time and never getting booked in any matches. Kurasawa yells “bansai,” cause he loves that kind of tree.

Okerlund now talks to Macho Man. Macho, to Gene, “YOUR MOUSTACHE IS CROOKED!” Gene takes full advantage of this opportunity to take over the interview, and asks about monster trucks. Macho: “My curiosity is killing me, just like a cat would be killed by the curiosity yeah because of the fact: machine vs machine and man vs man, doubled and tripled by the exposure of the WCW championship belt, don’t you think I have a little bit of interest right there? Friendship is friendship, business is business, Hulk Hogan already drew the line through the sand, I’m just followin’ it up yeah. I’m gonna be a participant, and I’m gonna be watchin’ too, through the videoscope yeah!” Okerlund kept trying to interrupt, but Savage wisely kept ranting.

MY NAMESAKE (SORTA) vs THE SUICIDAL, GENOCIDAL, OMNICIDAL, REGICIDAL SABU (w/THE ORIGINAL (NOT IRON) SHEIK) Heenan suggests JL stands for “Jerk and Lunch” or “Just a Loser,” making me appreciate just how odd it is that Tazz does color commentary and attempts to make Jamie Noble and Matt Hardy seem credible. Sabu has La Parka’s music. I believe this was his only WCW match. He…wouldn’t have been a good fit. JL sends Sabu out with an ENZOOGWEEREE to start. Sabu kicks him and gets an Asai moonsault into both JL and Sheik. JL reverses a whip and sends Sabu into the fence. Sabu with a running THE STUPID on the floor. JL climbs to the top turnbuckle for a top-rope forearm to the outside. Heenan and Schiavone are talking about the Original Sheik and ignoring the match. OS can’t literally be Sabu’s father, because Sabu is probably patricidal. Back in the ring, Sabu charges at JL and jumps, JL ducks, and Sabu lands on the top turnbuckle. He goes for a moonsault (or “reverse moonsault” if you’re Tony) but JL ducks it too. JL goes for his own moonsault (or “a manuever” if you’re Tony) for 2. JL with a powerbomb for 2. JL misses a charge, setting himself up for a slingshot legdrop. Sabu tries to go up top, but JL grabs him and gives him a German suplex with bridge off the turnbuckles for 2. Ouch. JL goes up top, but Sabu catches him. He gets a sunset-flip powerbomb off the top..for 2! Sabu goes up top…but JL hops off the rope and dropkicks Sabu to the outside! Sabu…hotshots JL, then gets some flippity aroundy splash for…3. That was easily the least impactful-looking move of the entire match. The Sheik…throws a fireball at JL for no reason. Tony starts babbling about something or other, so Heenan screams, “TONY, HE JUST THREW A BALL OF FIRE!” This match, which had lots of cool-looking moves, no transitions, and ended spontaneously with a move less impressive than 90% of the moves that proceeded it basically captures everything good and everything bad about Sabu as concisely as possible. Well, except that “constantly injuring himself and others” part.

GIANT EVIL PAPA SMURF and NANCY, MEET MY FRIEND CHRIS are out! YES! I rented this hoping it was the one and only ppv where the Master showed up live! How they got him out of the Dungeon of Doom I do not know. I’m gonna transcribe this and I suggest you read it if you want to understand just how goofy wrestling can get.

The Master: “Sullivan, my son! The moon is full over Detroit Michigan, the stars, Sullivan, are lined up, and the great Milky Way is ready for you, my son! In Tokyo Japan, in Peking China, it’s the start of another day. They say, Sullivan, my son, that there will be a total eclipse of the sun today around the world, because Sullivan, we are here, right here now, and tonight, you will walk upon the galaxies because your Giant and the insurance of the Yetay, you will destroy Hulkamania around the globe.”

Sullivan: “Hogan, in Detroit, we brought the insurance policy, it is written from the (something indecipherable) of Anaris, a Giant shall lead us through the next century, Hogan, when you put on the black, the evil that lies inside of you is now out of control, the monster truck, there’s nothing you can do about that, when it’s turned on, the Dungeon of Doom’s truck’s the strongest of them all, and Hogan, you don’t have a friend in the universe, Sting, Luger and Savage, are all vultures clicking at your heels, tonight, Hulk Hogan, Detroit, lightening does not strike twice in this universe.”

Tony says “Yetay” a lot. I was personally most impressed by the way Sully stumbled around the monster truck part. Even he had a hard time saying that seriously, and he thought “The Dog” was a good idea.

THE MONSTER MENG (w/THE MONSTER TRUCK…THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THAT) vs LEX LUGAR is next. When…if Luger wins, he and Macho face off later tonight in a “Loser Is Implicated In Elizabeth’s Death” match. The “Crockett” tombstone is shown, because Bischoff is all class. Hey, at least the money he lost didn’t get into seven figures, Mr. Co-Manager of Raw. I can’t believe I just called Bischoff classless right after making that Elizabeth joke. Hell, I had to say something, it’s just weird to have that match coming up later. I mean…if Luger wins. A split-screen shows us Heenan eating sushi with HEY BOBBY WALKER, LET’S SUE WCW to set up that really cool Starcade that did NJPW vs WCW with almost no Hogan presence. Anyway…I only like Meng as a character and I’ve hated every aspect of Luger for years (even the comical way he yells “OW” whenever he gets hit and “OW” whenever he hits a move,) so I’m gonna just cut to the chase. The match is twenty years long and sucks all sorts of ass and Meng eventually cheats and uses the Golden Spike, but then Sully intentionally gets Meng DQed as part of a mysterious “Master” plan.

Gene Okerlund is set for a heart to heart with THAT GREAT BIG WARTY FILTHY STINKY HCH-PTOOEY GIANT. Giant tries to be menacing, and Okerlund undercuts it by hamming it up like a big asshole who sucks.

ARN “SPLENDED TORSO” ANDERSON and DYIN’ BRIAN PILLMAN vs HOGAN’S NIGHTMARE. Arn is somehow “representing the Horsemen,” apparently the Two Horsemen. Woo. As they mentioned (and I skipped) earlier, Sting is on his own because Arn and Pillman attacked his scheduled partner Flair earlier tonight in unseen action. The story here is that Ric drove Arn to turn on him by being a massive dick, but with Flair being so famous and the old WCW fans who actually knew and cared about their old team adoring Ric for standing up against Hogan, nobody would cheer Arn and boo Flair. I refuse to acknowledge that Arn had anything to do with his own not getting over. And you can’t make me. *sticks out tongue* So anyway, Arn goes full-fledged heel and brings in Pillman to be his lackey and help him get screwy wins over a suddenly babyface Flair. Flair spends three weeks of WCW TV shows begging Sting to be his partner and help him fight back, with Sting understandably reluctant to trust him, before finally agreeing to put their differences aside, and here we go.

Arn is in his black “Enforcer” panties, Pillman has some fagtastic red trunks with black tassles, and Sting has opted for the neon-orange look. Arn tries to outwrestle Sting, to no avail. Arn gets a full-nelson and tries to get Pillman to cheat, but Sting dropkicks Pillman and uses the momentum to break free and get his own full-nelson on Arn. Arn seems to try and put his feet on the ropes to do the same thing to Sting, but Sting just casually lets go so Arn falls on his head. Arn and Pillman stall. Sting encourages a loud “we want Flair” chant. Arn and Sting do another sequence that ends with Sting clearing the ring of both heels. Brian and Arn whisper. Pillman decides to try his luck, luring Sting outside of the ring. He tries to lure Sting around the corner into a clothesline, but Sting ducks it, plus another clothesline from a hiding Arn, and nails them both. The forces of evil act frustrated. A “Flair” chant makes Pillman go nutty. He offers Sting the hand of friendship with a pricelessly fake smile on his face, so Sting returns the smile, shakes his hand, and kicks him in the stomach. Sting goes for a press-slam, holding Pillman up for a good long time, then tells Arn to bring it. Pillman tags Arn, who is in no hurry to get in the ring. Arn steps into the ring, asks Sting to give him a minute, and has a chat with Brian. He went to the Larry Z School of Stalling. Arn…actually does get a few punches in…but as Pillman goes up top to cheat, Sting monkey-flips Arn in so Brian can crotch-himself. Sting…tosses Pillman off the turnbuckles and onto the security railing outside the ring! Yikes. Pillman pretends he’s dead, and the crowd believes him. Sting is pounding away on Arn in the ring so Double A can do his punch-drunk dance. Pillman back on the apron, so Arn slams Sting’s head into Pillman’s, prompting Tony to go into his spiel about “Anderson family tactics” with Gene and Ole and Louie and the rest.

With the heels finally on offense, RIC “THIRD FIDDLE” FLAIR runs in from backstage, dressed in his civies, flailing madly at Arn as the ref tries to keep him at bay. Ric, with a big bandage on his forehead from the earlier attack, is led to the apron and will apparently be Sting’s partner now. Arn and Ric argue, keeping the ref tied up as Pillman sends Sting into the railing outside the ring. Arn now tags Pillman in legal. Brian gives Sting a reverse knife-edge chop, turns to Ric, and yells “WOO!” Sting fights back, but Pillman tags Arn. Arn with a traditional Anderson Ninja Chokeout. Ric takes off one of his loafers, runs into the ring, and starts whipping Arn with it. Hilarious. WCW was obsessed with the idea of shoes as a weapon. Arn tags in Brian for a Rocket Launcher, but Sting gets the knees up. Flair struts on the apron as the crowd goes nuts for him. Pillman tags Arn, who cuts Sting off from tagging when he was about an inch away. Belly2back by Arn. Arn goes to the knucklelock, and as all good WCW fans know, this leads to him getting crotched. Arn grabs Sting’s foot to hold him back from the tag as Pillman attacks Flair. Flair chases Pillman around as I speculate what an Arn/Pillman vs Tully/Austin match would have been like. Arn gets an abdominal stretch, so of course Pillman grabs his hand for leverage. Pillman comes in, taking a second to talk smack to Flair, who tries to punch him from the apron. Pillman with choppery. Flair grabs at Pillman’s trunks. Pillman gets a half-crab, and Arn grabs his arm to assist…pulling away from the direction that would hurt Sting. But damn it, they’re breaking the rules, and that’s what counts. Heenan, as Sting: “Help me, they’re kicking the paint off me!” Flair gets Brian’s hair for a second. Pillman tags Arn, and Ric runs in again. The ref backs him off, but now Sting is fighting back. He goes into the ropes…whoops, there’s the Spinebuster. Shades of Arn Anderson. Tony says, “forget about it,” though that was never Arn’s finisher. Ric breaks up the count anyway. Arn tags Brian in for an elbowdrop, and some leghold. Here’s another tag, and evil makes a wish. Arn with some other leghold. Sting, “Naitch!” Ric, “Stand tall!” Sting, “Nature Boy!” Ric, “I’m here!” Canada, “Akira!” Akira, “Canada!” Arn goes to a bearhug (shame on you Arn,) though at least Sting fights out quickly instead of stretching it for forever like we’ll see later. Sting breaks out, but Arn gets a tag as he executes a drop toe-hold so Pillman can come in and drop elbow right into Sting’s back. Pillman with more chops. He…does some hold whose name I’ve forgotten. More corner double-teaming, but Sting fights his way back…double noggin-knocker, but Sting falls over on his way for the tag. Everyone but Flair is down, so Flair struts. Sting is up…looking for the tag…he makes the tag and the crowd explodes!

Flair is in, he bounces off the ropes, he struts, Arn looks terrified…and Flair…attacks Sting! One out of every five people in the crowd visibly lose it waving and cheering when they realize Flair just went heel. Ric, Arn, and Brian all stomp away on Sting. Sting gets up and throws himself madly at Flair, but Arn and Brian take him down. Brian holds both his arms, Arn holds both his legs, and Flair stomps away like there’s no tomorrow. Flair takes off the bandage, just in case anyone is still confused. Flair gets in a few more stomps as a handful of fans throw garbage. They may be plants though, people were throwing stuff at Zodiac too. 3 sets of 4 fingers get waved. And…they leave the ring without a Figure-4!? BOO!

Okerlund is out to talk to the Horsemen. Flair grabs the mic out of his hand and steps right in front of him, which really, really improves things. An empty Coca-Cola cups thrown by a fan gets lodged between Arn and Ric, so Arn has to kinda try to brush it aside without losing his “intense” look. Ric says the Horsemen are back, so all you Commies step aside (more or less.) Pillman says, “Woo!” Arn tells us to be careful what we wish for, which he said every time he turned heel. Ric starts to sing that “reunited and it feels so good” song, but forgets the words and has to go with “Woo.”

How I love that angle, the chief of many similar stories that got Sting his “massive idiot” reputation. If you think about it it makes no sense whatsoever, because in order for it to work you have to view it as a long-term plan by Ric and Arn. Apparently, Arn pretended to betray Ric and beat the crap out of him with Pillman’s help multiple times over the course of two months just to set Sting up for one short, half-assed beatdown. Nope, it made no sense at all. I still enjoyed it though. Ric would later hand-pick Benoit to join as the fourth Horsemen, much to the confusion of a bunch of online fans who thought he was just some ECW scrub. Benoit, not Ric.

I KNOW AND CARE ABOUT VILLANOS interviews THE TOTAL CRACKHEAD. For some crazy reason Tenay asks Luger a question, then shuts up and lets him answer it instead of constantly talking about himself. No wonder he never got to be on a cartoon. Luger said nothing of note, but Tenay did say “Asiatic Spike” which was funny.

And now for incredibly long recap of the epically shitty DoD/Hogan feud. We get to see the Yeti break out of the fake ice cube.

I LOVE MATURE WOMEN (BTW LITA YOU’RE FIRED) and THE GUY WHO BUILT BIGFOOT come out to do commentary with Heenan on the monster truck match. Tony…hits the snack bar, I guess.

E. HONDA’S SUMO MONSTER TRUCK CHALLENGE: I’ve got to warn you, this is really, really, quite wholly stupid. We go to the roof of Cobo Hall, and hear Hulk Hogan say, “Wait a minute, what are the rules ref, tell us brother!” Ok…so, Hulk and the DoD are supposed to have spent millions of dollars out of their own pockets, not to mention months of time to build these invincible monster trucks so they can win the all-important monster truck challenge, but Hulk doesn’t know the fucking rules. The rules are, essentially, that some dude is gonna weld the front bumpers of these trucks together, and they’re both gonna drive, and whoever puts both their opponents axels all the way out of the circle (which takes up most of the roof but leaves plenty of stopping distance before you reach the edge…which has an elevated rim around it) wins. We also learn that two explosive charges have been placed randomly on the roof, you know, to make things really dumb and to make sure anyone who thought they might improv this feels really stupid when they watch the obviously pre-recorded nonsense. Heenan speculates that if one of those charges goes off near the gas tank of either truck, both men will die. Good. And now both men get in their trucks and the match begins. For approximately the next ten minutes, we get intercut shots of two trucks clearly being driven cooperatively back and forth, the same cab shots of Hogan as from the warm-up, and the same cab shots of Giant as from the warm-up. Our audio consists of engine noises, Bischoff trying to get the Bigfoot hick to cough up some “impressive” statistics, and Heenan coming up with various retarded exclamations of how dangerous this is and how someone will surely die. One of the charges goes off, firing less pyro than Goldberg stands in during his into. After an eternity, Hogan wins. The Giant gets out and angrily saunters up to him. Hogan gets backed to the roof, the Giant charges, and Hogan side-steps him. The Giant waves his arms around dramatically as he…tips over and falls off the roof. Hulk makes a half-assed effort to save him, reaching in the general direction of where the Giant was three seconds ago before he fell. And then…we cut to the announcers. The monster truck guy is trying not to laugh as Eric and Bobby act concerned. Heenan asks if he fell on the water side or the street side, so Bischoff says, “he falls six stories and hits a river or a parking lot, what’s the difference?” Dude…he’s pointing out himself how idiotic this is by eliminating any reasonable explanation for how Giant survives. No biggie, as they never gave us one. Bischoff leaves, acting more annoyed at the apparent live death of a superstar than anything else. He takes monster truck dude with him, and Tony returns to commentary. The show must go on, sez Tony.

With Luger’s hard-fought win over Meng and Macho’s thrilling victory over Zodiac, we now get to see A MATCH MADE IN HELL vs ALSO A MATCH MADE IN HELL. I’ve got to get this back to the store and don’t feel like rebeaking this anyway. Savage wins when Luger bumps into JIMMINY GLICK, who was on the apron for some reason. Macho high-fives fans on the way out…grabbing some kid’s pro-Macho Man sign and inexplicably ripping it in half.

Here’s replays of the Giant dying. I almost pity Heenan, who is doing everything in his power to put this crap over as Tony just stares at him blankly. Heenan gets up to go to the back for info at one point, and then comes back three seconds later claiming he can’t get to the production truck because there’s a crowd of wrestlers and crew members trying to get info on the Giant. Then Heenan goes into this story about how he was close with Andre and therefore knew this particular Giant (Andre’s son) as a child. Christ. I don’t feel sorry for Bobby anymore.

MICHAEL “COULDN’T CARE LESS” BUFFER claims that this match is being overseen by the Michigan State Athletic Commission. Buffer starts to intro the Giant, then switches to MR. MURDERER. Heenan, “He’s not dressed to wrestle!” But…he is. He is clearly wearing his ring gear, and Heenan yells that anyway. Buffer says Hogan is “the King of Hulkmania.” Not Hulkamania, Hulkmania. Hulk apologizes for killing the Giant, but the evil scary DoD laugh summons WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE DIED (w/EVEN SULLIVAN SEEMS EMBARASSED BY THIS) to come out. Heenan, “I do not understand anymore.” Tony, “my goodness, is this…borderline-incredible?” Heenan suggests the roof may have been layered, or maybe Giant landed on a truck or something. Heenan, “Oh Hogan! I hope he throws you…oh.” Hulk…has the Kevin Sullivan bug antennae painted on his forehead. I wonder if even Hogan understood this angle fully. Giant no-sells a bunch of punches. Heenan, “Giant! Eat him up! Eat him up like you would villagers! Tear his head off! Unscrew his head! Rip his arms off!” Giant now proceeds to put on an offensive spectacle that makes his recent efforts look like the ECW Malenko/Guerrero blow-off match. After about two years of Giant forearms, Hulk hulks up. Giant tries to flee, but Hulk brings him back in. Now Giant goes on offense again. Giant gets a bearhug that will go on for a minute, then Hogan breaks out. Giant puts it back on, this time for 2 minutes. If you love bearhugs, this is the match for you. Hulk hulks up, but Giant gets the chokeslam, for 2. So…they spent three months of run-ins and non-match beatdowns building him as unstoppable, then make Hogan kick out of his finisher in the guy’s debut, and then Giant spent the next year squashing everyone except Hogan with the chokeslam. God I hate Hogan. Giant takes the Big Boot, but he won’t go down. Hogan rakes his eyes and slams him. Heenan tries to pretend this is as big as when Hulk slammed Andre. Hogan gets the legdrop, but WHY DID HOGAN TRUST JIMMY HART ANYWAY attacks the referee with the belt. Jimmy pleads innocent, then attacks Hogan with the belt when he turns around. Hogan no-sells and corners him, but the Giant…gets a bearhug. Now Sullivan comes in, and starts throwing some pathetic chops at Hogan. LUGAR and MARCHO come down…but Savage is felled by Jimmy Hart and his mighty belt. Luger…attacks Savage, on orders from Jimmy Hart!!! OMG HEEL SWURVE! And now THE YETAY comes in, and he and Giant do what is supposed to be a double-team bearhug, but this Yetay guy sucks more than should be possible and puts his hands on Giant’s shoulders while shaking around so it looks like he’s doin’ Hogan in da butt. This has to be seen to be believed. But not by TNM…his hatred of bearhugs would overload and kill him. Jimmy Hart pulls Yetay off so Luger can give Hogan the Torture Rack. Yetay looks confused, but remembers to stick his arms out in front of him when walking. Giant and Yetay briefly give Savage the Hulk-Sandwich treatment, then Savage gets racked. Then the referee gets up, having been out cold this whole time from that one attack by Hart, and sees a ring literally full of evil Dungeon of Doom members, and he RAISES THE GIANT’S HAND IN VICTORY!?!? Giant takes the belt…Buffer says the Giant wins by DQ, and is not the champion. Heenan talks about how every eye is on the ring over a shot of people leaving the arena in droves. And…g’night.

Final thoughts: My rebeak probably makes it look like the Horsemen stuff went two hours and everything else was squeezed into one hour. In actuality, the third hour begins with the Monster Truck stuff, and Savage/Luger was pretty short. Overall, Giant vs Hulk was longer than the WarGames match I rebeaked last week. Shittier too. Practically every WCW ppv from the arrival of the nWo on was called “Worst PPV Ever” by somebody, but for fuck’s sake, read this rebeak. The only payperview I’ve ever seen that even comes close to being this stinky is the Uncensored where Hogan and Savage beat like twelve guys in the “Doomsday Cage” match. I may rebeak that one later. That one, much like this one, is great fun if you rent it for $2 and fastforward past the boring crap to dig on the comically bad crap. I can’t imagine anyone paid $30 to see this live. If you by some chance did, you have my condolences.