Warning: being a big idiot, I rebeaked this 3 hour payperview with the thoroughness of a 2 hour SD, and two of the matches (Vader/Sting and WarGames) were just really lengthy regardless, so this is really frickin’ long. Feel free to skip around, read it in chunks, whatever floats your boat (toot toot.) I’ll try to skip all detail on all but one or two matches when I rebeak the next year’s Halloween Havok later.

Halloween Havok ’94 is coming to home video soon! They pimp the Flair/Hogan steel cage retirement vs title match in which Hogan ended Flair’s career. Forever. That’s why you never see Flair anymore. All this was despite the best efforts of Sensational Sherri, I might add. I rented Halloween Havok ’95, thank God.

An incredibly retarded computer animation sequence with constant bleeping in the background tells us, among other things, that Ricky “the Dragon” Steamboat breathes fire. It does not tell us he destroyed his back and won’t be wrestling tonight. Also, this guy doesn’t know how to pronounce “Roanoke.”

Some country singer I’ve never heard of sings the national anthem. Of America. Some kid honors his nation by holding up a picture of Hogan. Hogan isn’t mentioned on the video box. I thought this was pre-Hogan. Damn it.

Your hosts are Tony, Bobby (w/neckbrace) and Okerlund. Tony says “the match is on” instead of “the match beyond” when talking about WarGames, so Bischoff probably beat him up later. Okerlund says he’ll be talking to Hulk Hogan via satellite tonight (LOUD boos) as well as Flair. Jeez, even Flair couldn’t be bothered with this show. It is also announced that Steamboat is hurt. His lengthy career is blown off in like two seconds. It’s like Josh wrote the copy.

MARVERLOUS JOHNNY B. MARC BADD MERO is announced as being “the prettiest man in WCW.” He doesn’t own Sable yet…well, in a way, Johnny B. Badd has always owned Sable. Johnny shoots off the Badd Blaster, before Chyna stole it. LORD WILLIAM STEVEN REGAL (w/SIR WILLIAM, NO, WAIT, IT REALLY IS WILLIAM) tries to outfag Badd by wearing a powdered wig. Points for effort, anyway. He weighs 18 stone, 2 pounds, by the way, which is English for “husky.” Heenan says some stuff about Zsa Zsa Gabor so as to be topical. Okerlund…seems to be gone. Good. Schiavone has been harping on Regal’s wig since he came out, so Heenan correctly points out the hypocrisy of criticizing the dress of anyone who is wrestling against Johnny B. Badd. Regal swaggers a lot. Schiavone tells us that the two rings are called “ring one and ring two” (there are two rings for WarGames, ya see.) Johnny touches Regal, who immediately starts complaining about hair-pulling. Badd harms his cause by informing the ref and the crowd that he is, in fact, a bad man. Regal and Badd mess around with headlocks and armbars. Regal comes up with three or four neat new ways to escape an armbar, but always gets put right back in. Regal tries a monkey-flip, but it leads to a really stagey series of reversals which leads into nothing. Heenan cracks jokes about Michael Jackson, who has been a freak forever. Sunset-flippery and pin reversals occur. Sir William waves around a tiny Union Jack, inspiring a USA chant. GRR WE HATE ENGLAND GRR! Johnny B. Badd dusts off the airplane spin, sending Regal outside, then gets a plancha. You didn’t see those much back then. Regal gets hot-shotted. He’s had like zero offense. Johnny B Badd goes for a mat-level variant of THE STUPID, so Regal starts rubbing his forearms in Johnny’s face. Sir William uses the bumbershoot, to little effect. Regal…with more forearm rubbing. Regal dominates with pastiness. WV TOP-15 LEGEND BARRY DARSOW (as the Blacktop Bully) stands around in the crowd, being a stupid gimmick. Regal with more mat-wrestling, boring the crowd. Schiavone starts talking about Virginia geography. Badd gets a kneelift, so Schiavone screams “KNEELIFT!!” Things had been that boring. European uppercuts from the European. More matt-wrestling. It’s a good thing Regal’s cocky Brit character is so hateful, because otherwise he’d be the most boring wrestler ever. Badd with some butt-based offense, then he goes to the atomic drop. Regal sells it by prancing in pain. Badd with a flying headscissors. Badd ends up sunset flipping Regal, and Regal grabs Sir William’s evil bumbershoot to counter. Haha, he really did. Grabbed his bumbershoot. It might just be a cane, but that’s not as much fun. Then the ref kicks Regal’s hands so he gets flipped, but only for 2. I’ve never understood the point of that. Sir William holds Badd for a clothesline, but William gets nailed instead. Heenan says the ref is letting a lot of rule-bending go because “so much is on the line with the Television Title.” Didn’t Duggan find it in a trash can later? Anyway, Regal goes to the European uppercuts one time too many, as Badd counters one into a backslide for a completely random 3. That is the only Regal match ever not to go to a time limit draw. I remembered their feud as having been good, but man alive…not that night. If memory serves, Regal never got the title back so he probably just didn’t give a shit about making this match any good. Heenan is worried that this match will upset the Queen.

Pardon me while I have a strange interlude: if anything proves the old bromide that a title is only as good as the titleholder, it’s the TV Title. Lots of really good guys had lots of really good matches for that belt over the years. The name refers to the fact that back in the day, it was pretty much the only belt to be defended regularly on free TV. Way back when Kolaff and Rotundo used to treat it like it meant something, then years later Double A, Badd, Regal, and DDP all used to sport it like holding that belt was the highest honor in the promotion. Benoit struggled to wrench it away from Booker T in an odd foreshadowing of both of them struggling to get anywhere in WWE. But then WCW started having US Title matches on Nitro, and Scott Hall dumped the TV Title in the trash, and Duggan found it, and blarg. It’s death was even less dignified than the European Title’s, and that’s really saying something. My point? Um…

Bobby and Tony discuss some inane crap from the Hogan/Flair feud, specifically, Arn Anderson’s on-going impression of that guy who dated that one skater and hit that other skater on the knee. A sign reads, Humanity Understanding Loving Kindness. Worst sign ever. Anyway, just to make me hate him that little bit more, they did an angle at the previous Starcade where Hogan got injured and beat up Flair anyway. Flair was in his gay purple robe, not the gay gold one. Technically, Hulk only wins by DQ, since Arn (who is theoretically disguised but, I mean, come on!) comes in and blows Hulk’s knee up with missiles and stuff.

CACTUAR JACK and FUTURE TASKMASTER (w/EVAD IS TOO STUPID TO NICKNAME) now face off in a Loser Leaves WCW match. Bobby calls it “The Battle of Bellevue.” Foley and Kev brawl on the outside. They brawl on the inside. Bobby decides evaD is Kevin’s aunt. evaD, if anyone is confused, is Kevin’s “brother” who is so stupid he used a mirror to write his name on his shirt, ahchacha. They brawl outside some more. Cactus sends Kev into the post, then moves the padding and exposes the concrete. evaD stops Cactus from attacking, so Kevin biels Cactus from the top-turnbuckle to the concrete. That’s sick. Kevin then slams Cactus on the concrete. Why the Hell is he taking bumps like this in his “screw you job to the booker on your way out” match? I suppose, at the time, he may have thought this was it as far as wrestling in America went, and wanted to go out with a bang. A bang-bang, even. Haha, heh, bah. Kevin goes after the ear. Foley says what sounds like “aw fuck.” Cactus fights back, gets a decent pop for “bang-bang,” and starts in with the biting. He…drops an elbow for a long 2. Yeah, Cactus Jack really could have used a decent finisher. He sets up a piledriver on the outside, but Sullivan back-body drops him onto the concrete. Foley chucks a chair in the ring, but the ref takes it from Sully. Jack charges into a boot, then gets tossed again. Why are they bothering to go in the ring at all? evaD stops Cactus from using the chair again. The storyline, as if anyone cares, is that evaD likes Jack but can’t bear seeing his brother Kev hurt. evaD now stops Kev from using the chair, Jack charges, but Kev moves. Jack hits evaD, and Kev rolls Jack up for 3 in the most anti-climactic farewell job imaginable. Meh…for all his recent complaining about Vince and the WWE, I’m sure Foley’s biggest regret about WCW was that he didn’t get out sooner. FYI: The Kev/evaD saga would continue until evaD became a full-fledged Hulkamaniac, and Kev (who was already a heel) sort of re-heeled himself by turning on evaD. evaD went on to feud with DDP, but Hogan couldn’t be bothered to meddle with such low-level stories and thus evaD jobbed his way to oblivion. At least DDP got to have kill his rabbit or whatever it was.

STUD STABLE INTERVIEW! For once I’m thrilled to see a payperview waste time with talk. Buck rants like the insane hick he is. Colonel Parker rants like the insane hick he is. Terry Funk rants like the insane hick he is. Funk wins the prize by naming the Rhodes team “FBI – Fat Boys Incorporated.” Meng stands there looking tough while Arn just looks embarrassed…no, he gets to talk too. Arn says “it’s time to reach into a man’s very manhood and pull something out that makes him say ‘I quit.’” Now I’m embarrassed. That is so much worse than catching someone with their pants down. I hope Amy didn’t see that. Well, considering she’s a fictional character, I’m not too worried. Arn sneaks in the thumb-across-the-throat bit, so he must be getting ready for a swandive headbutt.

“STUNNING” WHAT STEVE WHAT AUSTIN WHAT is called “S.S. Austin” on the chyron. TOOT-TOOT! I loved his music. RICKY “ALSO TOOT TOOT” STEAMBOAT comes out in plain-clothes. He only wrestled Savage at one Mania, you doorknobs. No offense. Nick Bockwinkle announces that Ricky may be gone forever, so Austin pantomimes crying. Heh. Austin continues his wacky pretty-boy antics as Steamboat forfeits the US Title, then promises to rehab and come back. Big liar. Steve Austin then says “mealy-mouthed” and discusses ass-kicking before declaring that that’s all he’s got to say about that. Yeah, he was pretty much always Steve Austin, wasn’t he? Bockwinkle’s mic starts dying but HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER! “SLACKJAW” JIM DUGGAN is introduced as Austin’s new opponent. Hacksaw waves a flag around, hugs Ricky, tackles Austin, and wins the title within a minute or so. You know that “it’s not a work it’s a shoot” storyline with Austin hating Bischoff’s guts and wanting him dead? Here you go. Oh, and Hacksaw got the crowd to chant “USA” at that evil foreigner Austin, don’t you worry. Duggan then goes on to deliver a US Title acceptance speech to “Mean” Gene in which he talks at length about how wonderful Hulk Hogan is. And I’ll bet that you, gentle reader, if you really put your mind to it, you could probably puzzle-out which WCW backstage power decided to move the belt from Austin to Hacksaw at the last instant. People with lots of names starting with “H” are evil. Ultimately, Austin went to WWF and became one of the biggest stars ever before becoming exactly the kind of backstage dick Hogan is. Duggan ended up having a stroke or something, and his last storyline of note involved having to say nice things about Canada (truly, a fate worse than death.) Steamboat slipped through a subspace rift and lives in that dimension where the Borg have taken over and really freaked poor Riker out, though Ricky occasionally slips back into our dimension to attend charity dinners where he makes wrestling nerds cream their drawers (to coin a disgusting phrase.)

My pizza showed up just as STARS IN ADDITION TO STRIPES were about to challenge NOT WHOLLY FANTASTIC, BUT STILL PRETTY WONDERFUL for the tag titles, so I’ll have to pontificate from memory. Stars and Stripes were Buff “Before He Was Buff” Bagwell and the same Patriot who was later nonsensically pushed to top-contender status in the WWF as a foil to Bret’s evil Canadian heel character. PW were tag team champs essentially because they were two guys, both named Paul. Orndorf and Roma. Orndorf ruled, Roma not so much. I mean, he wasn’t bad, but he lacked the Boogie-Drive Elbow. Pretty Wonderful spend about twelve years preening and stalling, with Orndorf finally able to goad the crowd into chanting “Paula” at him so he could go ape-shit crazy. Orndorf’s goofily enraged response to the “Paula” chant always gets me. It’s like wrestling’s answer to that moment in Hamlet where the Prince of the Danes gets so angry, he tells Laertes he’d “eat a crocodile.” Anyway, the crowd had been chanting “USA” at Duggan for several minutes and are understandably tired, so they’re pretty dead. Orndorf and Roma pull out all the cheating stops. It’s fun to listen to Tony’s howls of protest when Roma distracts the ref so Orndorff can throw Bagwell OVER THE TOP ROPE! THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A DQ BRAIN! That dastardly Mr. Wonderful even resorted to POURING ICE ON MARCUS BAGWELL OMG! Paul also gets to hit the Boogie-Drive Elbow, which makes the Rock’s awesome People’s Elbow look credible and makes Muta’s retarded Power-Drive Elbow look devastating. That’s right, I dissed Muta. HEEL. Anyway, it takes even longer than it will take to read this match rebeak, but evil pulls off a mild upset by piledriving Buff on the outside and rolling him in for a pin. Bobby Heenan proceeds to make fun of Bagwell’s parents. And he hadn’t even seen Judy yet!

Another, hopefully shorter interlude. Patriotic but elderly dork who buddied up to Hogan? Give him the US Title. Patriotic and talented youths whom Hogan has never met? Job them to Hogan’s old acquaintance Orndorf. But it’s more interesting to note that Bischoff clearly never quite got how much scratch Canadian fans spend on wrestling merchandise, as he keeps shilling red, white AND blue. Canadian money is green too, you know. Wait, is it? Now that I think of it, I’m not sure…

The Rhodes team of Dusty, Dustin and their apparent relatives the Nasty Boys now get to offer a rebuttal to the insane screeching of their hickish foes. Knobbs and Saggs cut the same promo they cut before every match either of them was ever in, face or heel, throughout their entire career. Ever. Various things become “Nasty” things. Then Dustin tries but fails to cut a promo so emotional and serious that I don’t keep thinking about ElectroDust and Tourette’s…Teuretts’…that stuttering disorder. Finally, Dusty reminds us how incredibly disturbing every aspect of his existence is by talking really femmy while wearing a shirt that says “Nasty Dream.”

Gene Okerlund urinates on the concept of anyone falsely thinking he formerly knew what being credible even means by trying to convince us The Guardian Angel (aka Big Bossman aka Big Bubba aka Useless Fatty) is a legitimate contender for the WCW Title who deserves to wrestle Vader and Sting at a major payperview. Even if this can’t be a major payperview since even Flair can’t be bothered to show up and lie down for some friend of Hulk’s. And even if the first sentence in this paragraph couldn’t have been any longer.

Now the epic 3-Way match for the number 1 contender’s spot between STEAM SHOOTING HELMET (w/HARVEY FIRESTIEN,) NOT YET THE CROW and HEY AL, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME PEPPER can begin. That would be Vader with Harley Race, Sting, and Guardian Angel for anyone I’ve confused. We learn that instead of being one of those complicated and therefore fun 3-Way-Dances, this 3-Way will consist of the odd-man out in a 3-way coin toss getting a bye, and wrestling the winner of a match between the other two. Ok…honestly can’t recall if that was announced on TV before the payperview or not. Conventional wisdom would have Vader getting a bye, Sting beating Angel after a “hard-fought match” and then jobbing to Vader, since Hogan would have been nuts to wrestle a face vs face match with Sting in any WCW town. No one was scared of Angel winning, since he wasn’t one of Hulk’s WWF buddies (you can tell because he didn’t magically appear a week after Hogan did.) Tony gives us a detailed explanation of a special “sudden death overtime” stipulation in which the first man knocked off his feet after the regular fifteen minute time limit has expired loses the match, giving away how Vader is gonna get past Sting. Then…surprisingly, Sting is the odd man out, so we open with Vader and Angel! Well, I wasn’t surprised just now, but I was back when it happened. Heenan accidentally says “Bossman,” then has to improvise this ludicrous spiel about how should be the “Bossman” of WCW so he doesn’t get the company sued. Speaking of names for Bubba, “Guardian Angel” was the saddest point in his career, and when you consider that the guy would go on to serve Al Snow a dog, that’s saying something.

Anyway…Vader is in his glory, sticking his arms out to his sides and bellowing like only a young man with bright dreams of his future can. The dewy patina of youth would later be washed from his eyes by the urine of Hogan and Michaels, but you can tell he still believes in Vader Time here. Angel pats his (Angel’s) rump, but skips the bunny-ears portion of the Yuri Sakazaki taunt. Then…my tape starts screwing up. Then it rights itself in time for a test of strength. Vader wins, then Angel feeds on the crowd’s energy (what little he can find) and Vader has to go low. Angel tries to knock Vader down with clotheslines, nothin’ doin’. Vader whips Angel into the corner and avalanches him. Bossma…Angel pops the crowd by getting a slam, then shows us the power of law and order by dropping an elbow into Vader’s crotch. Angel tries another slam, but has to give up and go to punches. Vader…is in position for the 619, but that’s not one of Angel’s spots. Instead, Angel goes up as Vader gets to his feet, and Vader casually steps away as Angel goes for THE STUPID. Vader drops a big, buttery elbow. Ninja Chokeout. He releases…drops an elbow, and goes back to the Ninja Chokeout. Vader releases again, and Harley Race throws a few punches in just because he can. Now Angel side-steps an avalanche attempt and gets a shitty roll-up for 2. Cross-body block by Angel!?!? Vader responds with a Cactus Clothesline! On the outside, Race holds Angel, but Angel escapes and Race eats Vader’s fist. Now Vader tries for a leisurely walking splash into the corner post, but Angel moves again. Most of his offense involves letting Vader smash himself into things. Angel…with an ENZOOGWEEREE!?!? He gets another slam to try and get the crowd into it. Vader is in the ropes, so Angel gets the Bossman Attack. Then he does that bit where he slides under the ropes and uppercuts Vader. Back in the ring, Angel whips Vader into the ropes, Vader hits the ref on the way, and Angel gives Vader the Bossman Slam. Heenan: “He got him with his finishing maneuver!” Poor Bobby. He didn’t ask Bischoff to sign a bunch of guys whose matches he’d been calling using one set of names for decades, give them new names, and then not bother to name their finishers. Anyway, with the ref down, Angel can cover for like five seconds before Handsome Harley comes in with a devastating headbutt. That’s enough to put Angel down long enough for a Vaderbomb, if that’s what they call the move where Vader splashes from the second rope. Anyway, this epic is mercifully over, so let’s see “still good” Vader wrestling someone who doesn’t make him look like Rey Junior.

Now Sting comes out for the real match. Schiavone has the good sense to not go over the “sudden death” rules again, but unfortunately, he does this by talking about Hogan instead. As shitty as Nash and the taser was, Hogan was mercifully gone for that. Not for long, of course. Vader has the good sense to stall, and Sting is too stupid to stop him from resting. Vader shoves Sting down, but Sting keeps getting up and smiling at him. Vader does his regular forearms and uppercuts routine in the corner, but Sting keeps no-selling. Vader pushes him back in the corner so more forearms can be no-sold. Sting gets some stomps and a dropkick to send Vader down. The crowd is AT LEAST twice as loud for Sting as they were for Bossman. There’s some running back and forth, but Sting eventually runs headlong into Vader as Vader is doing that weird “hop up in the air and stick my arms out to the side” thing. Maybe that’s the Vaderbomb. I think I saw him beat “Hacksaw” that way in the God-awful feud he was eventually demoted to. And now he does the 2nd-rope pump splash. So…whichever move is the Vaderbomb, Sting got Vaderbombed. Heenan makes fun of Cactus Jack, which must have seemed like a safe move at the time. Vader goes up again, but Sting gets up and kicks him in the nuts while he’s pumping. Well…maybe it was just his ass, because Vader is already fighting back. Big clothesline by Vader. He…goes back to second-rope, and this time Sting rolls away. Sting with a sunset-flip, Vader hops up and tries to sit on him, but Sting escapes. Sting clotheslines Vader out, but Vader lands on his feet. They brawl on the outside, with Race sneaking in a few shots. Harley tries to suplex Sting onto the announcers, but Sting reverses. Back in the ring, Sting yells. The ring announcer says “five minutes gone by,” just so we know this will be a draw. Sting…gives Vader a stalling verticle suplex. Damn. That was nice. Sting goes up top…Vader tries to cover up…and…that was weird. Sting tries a splash off the ropes, and eats knees. Now Vader slams him, goes up to the top rope, and misses the Vadersault. Sting…puts Vader on the top turnbuckle and superplexes him. Sting stops to pose, deservedly, before dropping an elbow. There’s another jumping elbow with some serious height on it. Raspy-voiced Race yells something. Sting…puts Vader in a fireman’s carry, and Samoan slams him! Jesus. Heenan says that’s like doing squats with a Buick. Sting fires away, and Vader slumps over in the corner. Stinger Splash, and Vader is on Dream Street (but not Nasty Dream Street thank God.) Sting takes him down with a clothesline and covers for 2. Another cover gets 2. Sting with a release German suplex, aided rather obviously by Vader. It was still cool, and gets 2. Vader finally gets it together and throws some hooks at Sting, who is instantly as dead as Vader just was. I hate that. Vader tries to toss Sting, who kinda rolls out. Harley gets some licks in. The announcer calls it ten minutes gone by, five to go. I…doubt it, but I’m too lazy to check. Sting is back in, and is back to no-selling those forearms in the corner. Vader has that awesome “no way” look on his face as Sting becomes a Church Afire. Vader goes to the wrong ring (again, there’s 2 for War Games,) and eats a top-rope clothesline. Sting goes for another one…and gets it. He goes up top one more time for a top rope splash…plenty of height, but Vader still kicks out at 2! According to the announcer, 2 minutes and we outta heah. Vader gets a backdrop suplex for a long 2. I hate to admit it, but the melodramatic incredulity of our announcers is really helping here. Vader lifts Sting to his feet, then just smacks him across the face. Vader goes to the second-rope for a shoulderblock, but Sting gets under him and powerslams him! He’s too tired to cover. We go into the opposite of DBZ time here, with fifteen seconds passing every five. Sting gets a clothesline, but Harley pulls the ref out. Sting goes for the Scorpion Deathlock as the announcer says “fifteen seconds.” Vader gets the ropes anyway, and we get a draw.

Tony re-explains the five minute first-man-off-his-feet overtime rules. Sting goes to a headlock, but the ref makes him back off until Vader is ready. Vader knees Sting, who goes down to one knee…so…I guess the first man off his feet thing was a big lie. Vader with a verticle suplex. “Four minutes.” Geez…that first minute was about twenty seconds long. Vader puts Sting on the turnbuckles and punches him. Vader goes up with him, and Sting fights the superplex…punching and even biting to send Vader down to the canvas! Sting…basically falls off the top, too tired to jump. Sting covers for 2. He tries a double-leg takedown, nothin’ doin’. Vader goes up top again…but Sting catches him and backdrops him off the top! Vader…hops at Sting. Schiavone explains that the next overtime period will be “first man off his feet loses.” So he flubbed the explanation before…yeah, I’m as shocked as you. THE NATURAL BORN THRILLERS WON’T STOP UNTIL SOMEBODY DIES! Vader gets a powerslam for 2. A strolling splash gets a long 2. With fifteen seconds left, Vader gets the powerbomb. He covers…and time expires with Vader on top of a motionless Sting, and Nick Patrick’s count at 2.9999999. Ugh. Harley Race: “You are insane!”

Now sudden death starts. Vader takes off the straps, so you know it’s on now. Actually, the head straps have been gone. He starts throwing forearms. Sting keeps coming really close to going down, then grabbing the ropes. Now Sting starts punching away while Vader melodramatically whirls around. Race gets on the apron, and Guardian “Massive Idiot” Angel attacks him, distracting the ref as Sting knocks Vader down. Then A MASKED MAN I SWEAR WAS NOT ME hits Sting, sending him down as Vader gets up, then ref turns around, and declares Vader the winner. Some idiot fans actually try to attack Arn…um, the Masked Man, as he slips away to go reach into someone’s manhood. Heenan tells us Vader slipped on a wet-spot. Vader reminds us that he is, in fact, the man.

If I might be allowed to Smark out for yet another moment (you can skip ahead, I’ll never know,) the brilliance/stupidity of this match impresses me. Having Vader go over both guys was the only way to restore the credibility he lost when they moved him out of the spotlight while doing Hogan/Flair, and the only way to build him some credibility in the eyes of those mysterious new fans Hogan was supposed to have brought in. Having Vader/Sting go to overtime and having Sting escape a loss to the powerbomb by the skin of his teeth and all that other jazz was fine. But making Flair’s lackey intervene when a clean finish was perfectly plausible, thus continuing Hogan/Flair in the background throughout the upcoming 2 ppv Hogan/Vader feud was stupid. But then, they had been pretending Guardian Angel vs Hogan on payperview might have been an outcome, so calling anything else stupid just feels…stupid. Also, as bad as all the favors he did for Leslie were, maybe Hogan really is a genius. Sting jobbing after Vader already wrestled once + Hogan burying Vader at 2 straight payperviews = Hogan burying Sting without having to wrestle him. I’m telling you, “Hollywood” Hulk Hogan…the coincidence is unbearable.

Heenan says Cactus Jack is on a street corner with a “Will wrestle for food” sign. Schiavone, who had been criticizing everything Heenan has said all night: “That was pretty funny.” Pair of wankers.

Okerlund…threatens Heenan. Huh. Now Okerlund is ready to interview the actual stars who didn’t bother to show. Okerlund mentions Flair, which leads to lots of “WOO”s. Then Okerlund introduces pre-recorded comments from HUMANITY UNDERSTANDING LOVING KINDNESS. The crowd is totally, unabashedly, completely against Hulk. Now folks…we aren’t in Toronto. These people were Virginia hicks openly eating up Duggan and Stars & Stripes and every other goofy babyface, but they still hate on Hogan. Gene stupidly keeps talking like Hulk can hear him, covering up half of Hulk’s “dialogue.” Now JIMINY CRICKET (Jimmy Hart) calls WOO! on a cell phone. Flair answers. There happened to be a camera on him. When he realizes who it is, he gives the phone to one of the four hottsie tottsies he’s with, and turns his attention to the other three. Hogan actually has an argument with one of Flair’s bimbos about who the real world’s champion is. One of the girls says she loves Flair’s muscles (ugh,) so Hogan responds: “His muscles feel like mashed potato muscles when I get ahold of him!” Flair finally takes the phone, and…aw…I thought he was gonna pretend to not know who Hulk is. Hulk: “The real WCW champion brother, is hangin’ and bangin’ right now, you brother are partying, that’s the difference between you and me!” True, true. Flair apologizes to the girls, then asks Hulk to start making sense. Hogan calls Flair “Ratfink.” I’m…really tired of this already. Hogan goads Flair into coming out of retirement by offering to retire if Flair can beat him. Because Flair’s two or three past big high-profile jobs to Hogan weren’t enough. This has been going on forever. Flair agrees, because as much as I love him, Ric Flair can be immensely stupid. Hogan gives us a really croaky “WOO!” Hulk promises to do Hindu Squats all night long, which is a little like “wrestling for quarters” if ya know what I mean.

Now COMISSIONER KNICKERBOCKER makes it official. Don’t ask me why Nick Bockwinkle gets a nickname now, he just does. He makes it a steel cage match, which causes Okerlund to flip out and act like this is the biggest thing ever. Then he departs to make long-term conspiracies against a not-yet-in-WCW Chris Jericho.

HART, CLARKE, WHATEVER introduces the WarGames by saying that the US Army stands ready to defend freedom and justice, but tonight, “eight of the most dangerous men in professional wrestling stand ready to protect their honor and manhood.” You never know when Arn might reach in there. Good God Arn, why did you say that?

Now we get a replay to explain why Meng was pulled out of WarGames and Colonel Parker was put in…but…no, not really. It is apparently happening for no reason. Anyway, we revisit Parker having a coronary at the initial announcement. Then, for some reason, we backtrack to Arn betraying Dustin (one of my favorite things ever,) then go to Dusty asking Dustin to make him his parnter, with “a hug and a kiss to seal the deal.” Then we get another of my favorite moments ever, as Dusty breaks a balsa-wood chair over Meng’s head, and Meng responds by putting him in a sort of pre-Tongan Death Grip Tongan Death Grip WITHOUT BOTHERING TO REMOVE THE FRAME OF THE CHAIR FROM HIS NECK. So you end up with Meng, with designer sunglasses knocked slightly crooked, wearing a chair as a necklace, and giving a morbidly obese Texan the Vulcan Neck Pinch. Then Dusty magically appears in Nastyville and uses reverse psychology to recruit some Nastyaid from Nastyjobbers. The Nasties beat up some extras from a Paula Abdul video. Not the one with the cat. You know, the Nasties are kind of a shittier version of the Dudleys.

“Mean” Gene explains the rules of WarGames. I always liked WarGames, but any match with three pages worth of rules is probably a bit much to ask a wrestling crowd to comprehend.

And there’s that Bunkhouse Buck music I love! ALREADY OLD TERRY FUNK, ARM NOT ARN BUT ARM ANDERSON, BUCKMINSTER VON BUNKHOUSE and COLONEL MUSTARD (w/HAK FU) are out. Meng is, apparently, only with Colonel Parker. The rest he could take or leave. Now, just so we know this is still bush league, we get shitty camera/chyron synch and learn that the guy I thought was Dustin Rhodes is actually NASTY BOYS. This steel cage is named DUSTIN RHODES, as is a crowd shot, but then the crowd’s name changes to DUSTY RHODES as the announcer continues talking about Dustin. Dusty, it should be noted, is still wearing a Nasty Boys-style top that says “Nasty Dream.” At least the chyron wackiness means I didn’t have to do nicknames for the faces. We start with Dustin and Arn, of course. When a guy who put on some of his best matches a decade ago has the best endurance on his team, you have a problem. Dustin no-sells Arn’s early offense, then climbs around so we can get an unusually tight close-up of his crotch from below. Arn tries to stall, making him either retarded or a genius. He’s retarded for stalling when his team will eventually include a manager who is practically guaranteed to submit, but he’s a genius if he realizes the heels always win the coin toss. Anyway, Dustin dominates with generic stuff before doing one of the strangest spots I’ve ever seen: Arn ends up lying between the rings, so Dustin puts Arn’s head in the crack between the rings, then holds Arn around the waist and starts shaking him around to try and grind his head off. Unspeakably gay-looking. Dustin lets him up for less terrifying attacks, but Arn gets the DDT out of nowhere to take over. NO PINFALLS IN WARGAMES ARN! Not that he tried…anyway, Dustin stays down awhile and starts fighting back just in time to be on offense for the coin flip. Dustin…tries to do a spinning toe-hold but screws up, then tries to do a Sharpshooter or something and eventually ends up doing the saddest half-crab ever.

Meanwhile, the heels win the coin toss (OMG) and Bunkhouse Buck comes in. Buck brawls as Arn recovers for some generic double-teaming. I like the way Buck bounces off the ropes to make his stomps more devastating. The evil hicks throw the good hick into the cage, as Heenan betrays his complete ignorance of the rules. First he wonders what will happen if Parker wins the next coin flip, then he wonders if Arn has to leave now. Arn tries to set up some kinda hold, but Buck keeps getting in his way, and eventually they settle on a double half-crab. THAT’S HOW IT’S DONE, DUSTIN! Say that in an Auron voice. It’s sorta funny. Sorta.

I learn for the first time ever which Nasty Boy is which, as the dark-haired one comes in and Tony yells about Jerry Sags. Sags sends both heels into the cage. If this ppv was a year older, everyone but Sags would have bladed by now. Sags with a piledriver on Buck as Dustin gets a second wind. He gives Arn 9 countalong punches in the corner, then indicates his crotch before getting an elbow for 10. Shades of Golddust, even then. Dustin goes for a sleeper as Sags and Buck kinda stand around.

Now Terry Funk comes in, wielding a loaded boot. He knocks himself down trying to get at Dustin from the opposite ring. He works over Sags with the deadly boot until Arn and Buck are up. Terry loses the boot, finds Dusty outside, and keeps slamming Dustin’s face into the cage in front of Dusty while taunting him. Nice touch, too bad they can’t rake this year. Crazy ol’ Terry climbs up on the ropes to drop across Dustin, but stupid Dustin won’t stay still, and Terry has to do these ridiculous stomps while clinging to the top of the cage. Dustin fights back, so Arn finds the loaded boot of ultimate destruction and nails him. We break for a quick shot of the Colonel being terrified. Sags, being the huge star that he is, completely no-sells Buck’s punches while setting Funk up for a piledriver between the rings. Terry lands on the left mat, but smoothly rolls through the crack and disappears under the rings. Heenan: “He disappeared! It’s like the Earth swallowed him up!” Funk crawls up, bravely enduring a brief moment with his face right in a Nasty Boys’ crotch.

Knobbs (not Nob) is in now, but all three heels meet him at the door in a great moment. In a less great moment, he reverses their whip into the cage and sends all of them into it instead. Terry and Arn go twice. And you know, for “Nasty” Boys, neither of these guys have even taken a minor bump involving the cage. Must…not…speculate…about…Hogan…friendship. Arn…gets raked in the cage by Knobbs. I thought they weren’t doing that. Knobbs flattens Funk with the boot. Funk is stumbling around as only he can. Now Sags uses the boot twice, and Funk does a little shufflyfeet dance before falling backwards. As much as I love Ric and Arn, no one does “out on his feet” like Terry Funk. Arn has finally made Knobbs sell something, but Sags goes over for some double-teaming. Now Dustin gives Buck and Funk a double noggin-knocker (terrifying a young Brock Lesnar,) and Funk is so out of it, he’s attacking Buck as Dustin just watches. Some off-camera Nasty tosses Dustin the boot, and he nails Funk once. Funk staggers. Another boot shot. Funk staggers some more. Dustin does a little dance before the third, so Funk does a 360 degree spin before finally going down. Colonel Parker looks like he’s gonna have a heart attack. God bless Buck, he sends Knobbs into the cage.

The countdown is over, and it takes most of a minute for the refs to get Parker in the cage. He finally goes when Buck has Dustin in a full-nelson. Parker winds up for a big punch, delivers, but he hurt his hand. I love this so much. Parker shakes it and does that thing I’ve never understood where you squeeze a hurt hand between your legs, then gets some kicks on Dustin. Buck takes off his belt, and takes it to Saggs. Arn gets the spinebuster on Knobbs. Shades of Arn Anderson there. Funk is using his belt to whip Dustin. Parker whips Saggs with Buck’s belt while Buck holds him, and this will be the heels’ last gasp. Dustin gets Funk’s belt, and goes after Buck. Buck looks shocked and surprised to be hit. Dustin crosses the ring to whip Parker. The fans liked that. Now he’s after Arn. Tony says, “Look at Meng on the outside!” as…the camera fails to show him. Loud “Dusty” chant. Terry is doing this weird dance, flailing his arms about randomly.

Our three fightin’ heels have gathered to greet Dusty, who comes in, and takes a clubberin’ for about two seconds before Atomic Elbowing the Stud Stable into oblivion. Heenan: “The Texas Brahma Bull is loose, and I don’t know who the Hell can ride him!” Now he’s spotted the Colonel, much to the crowd’s delight. Dusty…fondles himself. No, really. Parker tries to retreat, and runs right into the Nasty Boys. Meng tries to rip the cage open with his bare hands. Now he’s trying to climb the cage as Parker eats an avalanche from Knobbs. Dusty…goes for the Figure-4!? Dustin holds the Stud Stable at bay. Knobbs knocks Meng off the side of the cage, then he and Saggs take turns dropping elbows on the Colonel, who is still in the Figure-4. And sure enough, he submits (or surrenders.) Dustin’s music plays as Meng finally gets in the ring. He screams a lot, then headbutts the camera in a supremely awesome moment. A follow-up kick just can’t beat a headbutt. Funk can’t stand up. Arn and Buck commiserate. The Anderson and Funk family heads share a manly hug. Some fan yells “HEY ARN!!” really loud like four times. Heenan: “Look at Colonel’s pants! He’s had an accident!” And…that ends the show. Not, “Tune in to Nitro!” or “Good night folks!” but speculation about Parker’s bodily functions.

Final thoughts: That was considered the worst WarGames ever at the time, but ended up being better than pretty much every WarGames that followed, what with Warrior appearances and Mr. Perfect joining the nWo for a week and blargh. Fall Brawl and specifically WarGames is the perfect payperview for sending the fans home happy, because it demands a big match pitting a mass of faces against a mass of heels with absolutely no titles or plot devices on the line. There is no reason whatsoever not to book the faces winning and sending all the drunken hicks and little foam-finger wearing kids home happy, which is just what happened here. That said, the nWo would form next year and win 99.9% of their matches whether the story called for it or not for the next three years, including big meaningless “fan-pleasers” like WarGames. Phooey on them. And while my opinion is clearly tinted by nostalgia, this Fall Brawl always struck me as being one of the last really corny, hokey, fun, specifically WCW payperviews. I mean a really WCW payperview, when they weren’t quite primetime but they still put on a show. Pass me a Bud, bud, cause Dusty’s gonna elbow somebody. I meant Budweiser, not hemp. You tattooed, body-pierced slackers you.