This was supposed to be really late because I was supposed to be doing something. So you get a rebeak that’s only slightly and has an angry undertone. I hate it when nerd outings are postponed. I’m gonna wear San Andreas out at this rate.
I was saddened to hear that Doug Basham choked in the Final Four. I have a feeling he had Chad Collyer beaten in the condolence match, but was distracted by an unexpected burst of flame from the crowd. Post match, Doug was heard to say: “Everybody in here knows that if an explosion goes off in the building, the match automatically ends, it ceases, it stops! It’s over! This is North Carolina!”
I’d also like to announce that I finally saw Trytan wrestle. He’s way cooler just standing in the entryway.
Green. An X. I saw a picture of a Church Youth Group of some sort today, and one of the smiling churchy teens was wearing a D-X shirt. Satan, you and your false promises can SUCK IT!
TOO LATE FOR THE WV-15 is crazy caveman London. Is he from Texas? Neo-Texas Tornado. Watch out for tragic death, Paul. Am I finally going to rebeak a London/Akio match? Nope, it’s NEXT YEAR, DO THE TOP 15 RETARDED GOATEES. You could talk about wrestling goatees for a long time, actually. Thank you, Jim Neidhart. Steve says Spike is willing to test your patience, and test you in the ring. Was that a joke? Steve says London is pumped for Wrestlemania. He’s getting pumped about watching on a monitor in the back. Circling, Spike leaves the ring for some reason. Canned crowd heat. Steve and Josh discuss Spike’s goatee. Spike goes behind London, rabbit punches him, and gets a back-suplex. Spike with a chokehold, but London gets to the ropes. Spike steps on his face. Spike: “You can’t spell suck!” Steve: “Ha! Can you spell it, Josh?” Josh: “He’s talkin’ ta you Steve, yeah I can spell it, it’s S-T-E-V-E HAHAHAHAHA!” Spike tries a punch, but London is PAULING UP! Stompydance. Spike runs away, and Paul stomps after him. Spike: “What are you doing!?” Good question. Spike tries another punch, but London blocks, throws a few of his own, sends Spike into the ropes, and armdrags him. Spike runs into a few more before eating what Josh and Steve call the “Coconut Crunch.” I’m going to call it the Coconut Cyclone. It’s Sailor Jupiter’s ultimate attack. I don’t get the name either. London covers for 2. Spike reverses a whip, but gets shoulderblocked. London yells. He hits the ropes, Spike tosses him out…no, London gets the ropes. London skinning the cat, but Spike knees him in the ropes and sends him to the floor! Yikes. A replay reveals he didn’t whack his head on the apron like I initially thought he did. Josh: “Wrestling 101, never take your eye off your opponent, Spike Dudley did exactly that!” Whatever, Josh, Spike is in the ring celebrating and Paul is dead on the floor. Josh then apologizes for miscalling Spike’s running knee a “dropkick.” Steve: “I think that’s the first time that you’ve ever made a mistake when we’ve worked together Josh, but you’re quick to point out mine.” He can’t catch them all, Steverino. London back in, neckbreakered by Spike for 2. Spike slaps on some weird-ass submission. London tries to rally the crowd, then gives up and gets the ropes. Spike attacks, Paul blocks and punches back. Chops traded. London totally needs to do a whirlwind punch. He instead ducks a clothesline and kicks Spike in the face. Spike sent to the ropes, he slips between London’s legs, but gets dropsaulted anyway. London’s corner whip reversed, but Spike charges into an elbow. Spike charges again, into a Mushroom Stomp. Oddly, Josh says nothing and Steve has to call it (with little enthusiasm.) Belly to belly by London off the rebound (or, if you’re Steve, “superb move”) for 2. If London was Shane Douglas, this match would be OVER! Spike blocks whatever, tries for the Dudley Dog, but gets whipped into the turnbuckle instead. Starfox Splash, and it looks like London’s shin hit Spike’s face. Ouch. Akio wins. London: “The futuristic caveman with a cosmic cyclone for the victory!” Cosmic Coconut Cyclone. Triple C. Lita/Makoto would think Paul London was cute, if she was a real person.
How the Hell did I get “Starfox” out of “Fire Bird?” I could have gone with some Phoenix Down joke, a Starfire joke, almost anything would have made more sense. Maybe I was thinking of London’s furry jacket.
Oh sweet, Funaki and Nunzio vs Akio and Kidman later!
Commercials. PSP! Oh man, I want one! Too bad I have it from a reliable source that they’re stones.
Here’s a replay of various Smackdown Mexicans. Yeah, the mood did get pretty creepy there. When Rey told Eddie he loved him, Chad lost his shit.
Commercials. Crap, didn’t beat the Heatbeak. I still feel basically the same about Hurricane, though I was never real fiery in my Hurripassions. I love it when old jokes come up in new forms months apart. “Ahhh, yahhhhh” in Farsi was my first ever Hassan joke! Lord knows how many Mideon lines I’ve inadvertently re-used.
Our spinning monkey of the week is Big Show knocking over Jeep Swanson. That was Ultimate Solution’s name, wasn’t it? Swenson, maybe? Even I don’t actually care.
DAMN YOU SAILOR MARS! (w/WHAT?) are here. Doug is Mideon and Danny is Boobers, right? I’d think Boobermonkeys would hate Sailor Mars more for whatever reason. Boost Mobile wants to know where I at, while Starburst are extremely juicylicious. IT’S A SHAME HE WAS LEFT OFF THE LAST LIST OF FIRED PEOPLE is totally not jobbing to Doug Basham, is he? Sigh. Josh: “This guy walks around like he’s got an S on his chest!” For SUCK HAHAHA. Josh incorporates the horrible “Where you at?” tagline for Boost Mobile into a discussion of Show/Akebono. If they’re within a hundred miles of you, you can smell either one, I’d bet. Go-behinds and shit to start. Doug gets to the ropes as Josh and Steve discuss ninjas and sushi. Doug gets a nice belly-to-belly, then starts working Jindrak’s left elbow. Jindrak elbows his way out of something, but hits the ropes and gets clotheslined. Doug sent to the corner, and Jindrak does a “I jump high” hot-shot where he sends himself outside of the ring and…uh…hot-shots Doug. Jindrak, being an idiot, lands bad on his knee. He sells it bad, too. Get him, Danny. YES, Danny smashes his leg on the apron. Fuck, the ref caught him. Danny gets tossed. The post-production fans are thrilled. Doug slams Jindrak so his legs get dropped across the ropes. And again. Doug with…is that the Cabinet pose? Doug covers for 2. Stompery on the knee. Jindrak tries to fight Doug off, but his knee gives out. Doug with an awful leglock that doesn’t look even a little bit painful. Jindrak kicks Doug in the head, so Doug applies it differently. Jindrak counters now with a headscissors. Doug charges into a clothesline, and then he charges into an elbow. Inverted atomic drop, but Jindrak hurt his knee on Doug’s deadly crotch. Hands off the merchandise. Doug charges into a back body drop. Christ on a cracker Dougie, back off for a second. Watch a Ric Flair match and learn how to take advantage of an opponent with a bum knee. Danny would never agree to that. Doug picks Jindrak’s leg, but gets kicked into the turnbuckle. “Big knee” by Jindrak for 2. Doug with a double-leg, into a cover (with feet on the ropes.) Steve calls it “a tremendous tactic!” The ref sees his feet and calls for the break. Kick to the leg by Doug, and there’s a knee to the leg. Jindrak floats-over, lands on his leg bad again, and goes “OW!” Now the left hand comes out of nowhere to kill Doug dead. Fuck you, Mark Jindrak. Next week, I hope Tyson Dux returns and fucking crushes your knee. With his deadly “Psycho Dance.”
Our Wrestlemania Recall was JR coming to the WWE for the Worst Wrestlemania Ever. COINCIDENCE?
Commercials. So, it went down like this. In the second half of 92, you had this big feud with Savage and Flair, with Warrior and Perfect lurking around in the background. By Wrestlemania 9, Flair was gone, Macho was on commentary (rocking the house but not being able to salvage things as much as a main event competitor could,) Warrior was gone (not that I cared) and Perfect was jobbing to Lex Luger. The massive main-event void was filled by…Hulk Hogan and Yokozuna. Good God that sucked.
Next Saturday: I’m gonna have to rebeak this Hall of Fame bullshit, aren’t I?
NEXT LOCATION IS: KINDERDYKE faces SOME JOBBER. I don’t care. Yuck, loogies are hanging off of Heidenreich’s Nazi superchin. He punches. He kicks. Josh says Heidenreich is gonna dress up like Ivan Drago next week. Haha. Steve does a shitty Drago impression (it’s “I must break you,” dude,) but at least he knows who he is. Ticker: “Tomorrow is Charlie Haas’ birthday!” Only two days removed from my own. Haappy Birthdaay! Heidenreich yells about how the jobber is his friend. He punches some more. Heidenreich does his sideslam. I guess that’s his finisher. Remember the shoulderbreaker? What happened there? Oh yeah, the sideslam won him the match.
Up next: Cena: “You got a flat tire!”
Commercials. I’m not sure if having gotten to attend the planned nerd get-together and having to rebeak this on like Monday or Tuesday would really have improved things.
Are you talking to me? Christ, Batista, read your fucking script.
I’m not touching you! I think the best part of all of this is from the rebeak, and it’s JBL quoted out of context saying “I hate you.”
Commercials. Well, the main oughta be damn good, at least.
Our Lugz Beet of the Wook is Taker killing Dupree. I’m guestbeaking SD next week so I can get out of RAW, but frankly, I don’t miss rebeaking it otherwise.
Steve: “Attention Randy Orton! Attention Randy Orton! A tombstone may be coming your way!” OMG TOMBSTONES HAVE COME TO LIFE AND ARE WALKING AROUND ON THEIR OWN POWER! JAPANESE BITCHES INCLUDED are set to take on THE NEW ORIENT STRIKE FORCE EXPRESS. If Kidman ever hurts someone, gets despondent, and stops holding up his end of the tag team while Akio is his partner, Akio will just kick him in the fucking face. Steve: “Well, the fans get treated to Nunzio and Funaki.” Josh: *silence*. Steve, later: “I never thought we’d see Snickers with crunch. Wow. We’ve come a long way.” I already introed them, but this is where Kidman and Akio really come out, to the English translation of Hassan’s “Ohaaaaaaaaaaaaaashalamalamadodaaaa” theme. At least I know when I’m being racist and I’m silly about it. Some guy at work last week: “Oil is expensive because the ragheads are mad at us!” Could it be because we call them ragheads? Anyway, Kidman and Akio. I hear that if the Japanese/Koreans had Christmas and Jewish Kidman felt like honoring it, he’d get Akio a 1 inch dick jacket. Hahaha. We know why Sofa gets the fly Asian honeys. They drop the “Sofa” and just call him “King Amazing.” Ah yeah. Ok, I’m grossing myself out now. Shit, Akio really does do the Rock corner pose, and Kidman does a modified Christian ropes pose. Sho and Nunzio clap. Sho and Kidman start. Kidman throws a knee, an elbow-strike, then yells “Come on, Funaki!” Then he dances like a fag and claps to mock Funaki. I’ve missed you, Kidman. Sho slips out of a slam, throws some punches, and gets sent to the ropes. Sho blocks a hiptoss and ranas Kidman. Sho ends up on top, and gets a top-rope crossbody on Kidman for 2. Tag to Nunzio. Kidman sent to the ropes, and eats a double-elbow. Akio charges in, but gets double hip-tossed onto Kidman! Nunzio with his goofy-looking dropkick to a downed-guy’s face on Kidman. It gets 2. Kidman rakes the eyes and tags Akio. Akio stomps away with his shiny, shiny pants. Chop. Steve works in that Boost Mobile slogan. Check it out, he loves that phone! Akio sends Nunzio into the ropes, and something or other gets countered into a small package. Looks like Nunzio may have wanted a tornado DDT which would have been way cooler. It gets 2. Nunzio charges into a kick. Steve: “Gotta watch Akio! Sneaky-fast!” Akio kicks some more, sends Nunzio to the ropes, and something else is countered into a tilt-a-whirl headscissors by Nunzio. Tag to Sho, but akio takes over almost immediately with a kick, then…charges into a bunch of armdrags. Sho with an armbar, but Akio backs him into the corner of evil. Sho fights everyone off, but Nunzio spazzes out and distracts the ref, allowing Kidman to come in and take Sho down. Tag to Kidman for kneedrops. Kick to the face, cover for 2. Tag to Akio for stompery. SHO CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU’RE SAYING AKIO!!! Akio with that backbreaker hold thing whose name I was never clear on. Tag to Kidman for a ninja chokeout. I wonder how many times I’ve accidentally called him London? I’ve caught myself twice now. Sho fights out and tries to charge into a tag, but Kidman blocks. Kidman catches a kick, enzoogweeree by Sho. Mixed-race for the tag, and Nunzio is in! He knocks Akio off the apron, then clotheslines Kidman a lot. Neckbreaker for Kidman. Akio charges in, but gets back body dropped! Big ol’ DDT by Nunzio on Kidman, but Akio saves. Sho finally takes down Akio, but that distracts the ref. Kidman set up for the Sicilian Slice (if Steve is to be trusted, TCF hasn’t posted yet so I have no idea) and Josh says it’s breakin’ down on Velocity. Akio attacks, Nunzio fights him off, but he’s distracted just long enough for the Double S to miss. Kidman shoves Nunzio into a fancy apron-assisted kick by Akio, schoolboy by Akio, handful of trunks, and evil triumphs! Sweet ending to a surprisingly blah match.
Final Thoughts: I’ll be back for the Smackbeak. The Smackdown Return of Chad and Grandpa, for one night only. The advertised main event? A weigh-in. In my next rebeak, I’ll either be gushing or bitching about birthday presents. Supes is my only hope of getting the Tomo DVDs, but I kinda hope he gets something different. Because then I can be all, “Fine, I’ll buy myself the present I wanted!” but I still get to keep whatver Supes got.
Super Asia, what did you get? I...
Dude, Sofa's not even gonna see that.
